Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
Hilary Swank: Ladies and gentlemen – Fiddy Cent, featuring Olivia!
50 Cent: “Yeah… Uh huh So seductive.
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
50 Cent: You can have it your way, how do you want it You gon’ back that thing up or should I push up on it Temperature rising, okay let’s go to the next level Dance floor jam packed, hot as a teakettle I’ll break it down for you now, baby it’s simple If you be a nympho, I’ll be a nympho In the hotel or in the back of the rental On the beach or in the park, it’s whatever you into Got the magic stick, I’m the love doctor Have your friends teasin you ’bout how sprung I gotcha Wanna show me how you work it baby, no problem Get on top then get to bouncing round like a low rider I’m a season vet when it come to this — After you broke up a sweat you can play with the stick I’m tryin to explain baby the best way I can I melt in your mouth girl, not in your hands (ha ha)
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Girl what we do (what we do) And where we do (and where we do) The things we do (the things we do) Are just between me and you (oh yeah)
Give it to me baby, nice and slow Climb on top, ride like you in the rodeo You ain’t never heard a sound like this before Cause I ain’t never put it down like this Soon as I come through the door she get to pullin’ on my zipper It’s like it’s a race who can get undressed quicker (whoo!) Isn’t it ironic how erotic it is to watch ’em in thongs Had me thinking ’bout that ass after I’m gone I touch the right spot at the right time Lights on or lights off, she like it from behind So seductive, you should see the way she wind Her hips in slow-mo on the floor when we grind No, she ain’t stoppin, homie I ain’t stoppin’ Drippin’ wet with sweat man its on and popping All my champagne campaign, bottle after bottle its on And we gon’ sip til every bubble in every bottle is gone.
I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
50 Cent: I take you to the candy shop I’ll let you lick the lollypop Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)
Olivia: I’ll take you to the candy shop (uh huh) Boy one taste of what I got (come on) I’ll have you spending all you got (say what?) Keep going ’til you hit the spot (whoa)”
50 Cent: “Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh..shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh..shake that — girl.
Go go, 50 in the house, bounce, y’all already know what I’m about The flow sounds sick over Dre’ drums — I ain’t stupid I see Doc and my dough come quicker. Whoa! Shorty’ hips is hypnotic, she moves so erotic, but watch I’m a watch her bounce that ass girl I get it crunk in here, I make it jump in here, front in here, we’ll thump in here, ooohh I’m so gutter, so ghetto, so hood So gully, so grimey, what’s good? Outside, the Benz on dubs I’m in the club with the snub, don’t start nothin’, it won’t be nothin’, uuhhh.
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.
Let’s party, everybody stand up Everybody put ya hands up Let’s party, everybody bounce with me Some champagne and burn a lil’ green with me This hot, Disco Inferno, let’s go You are now rockin’ wit’ a pro I get told to flip dough to get more, fa sho’ Get my drink on, then get on the dance flo’ Look homie I don’t dance all I do is this It’s the same two step wit’ a lil’ twist Listen pimpin’ I ain’t new to this, I’m true to this Pay attention boy, I teach ya how to do this thing So you mix a lil’ Cris with a lil’ Dom Perignon And a lil’ Hennessy, you know we finna carry on Hollerin’ at these snakes in da club tryin’ to get right We gonna be up in this — ’til we break daylight.
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.
You see me shinin’ and lit up with diamonds cause I stay grindin’ Homie you can catch me swoopin Bentley coupin’, switchin lanes You see me rollin’, you know I’m holdin’, I’m about my paper, yeah Now I’m serious, I ain’t playin’ I’ll embed it in ya brain, I’m off the chain G-Unit! Next level now, turn it up a notch Em and Dre sent me to tear up the spot Front on me, oh no, you know I’m loco Hands up on the dance floor, ok let’s go!
Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl Lil’ mama show me how you move it Go ahead put yo back into it Do ya thang like there aint nothin to it Shake.. sh..sh.. shake that thang girl.”
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Tom Jankeloff…..Fred Armisen Morgan Freeman…..Finesse Mitchell
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Amy: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories. On Tuesday, jury selection for the Michael Jackson trial was postponed when the popstar was taken to a hospital to be treated for flu. Which is weird, because I would have treated the pedophila. Hmm.
Amy: Earlier in the week, Michael Jackson’s attorney told prospective jurors that defense witnesses in his child molestation trial could include celebrities such as: (shows pictures) Elizabeth Taylor, Nick and Aaron Carter, Diana Ross, Cory Feldman, Peter Pan, Mighty Mouse, Captain Crunch, Dancing Spoon in a Top Hat, and Larry King.
It has been estimated that by Wednesday more than one million people will have been to Central Park to see the art installation “The Gates.” Though I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who gets it.
Tina: Disgusting, ew! We sent one of our Weekend Update roving reporters to check out the gates firsthand. Please welcome Native New Yorker Tom Jankeloff.
Tom Jankeloff: Thanks. So, uh, since they were revealed last week, the whole world’s been talking nonstop about these gates. But I as a New Yorker wanted to see what all the regular New Yorkers had to say about it, so I went to Central Park to find out. Here’s what happened.
(We go to him standing in the Park with a microphone, wearing a Mets windbreaker.)
Tom Jankeloff: Hi, I’m Tom Jankeloff. What is art? Where does art end and reality begin? Who looks at art? We’re gonna answer this and many other questions as we discover: The Gates!
(cut to him interviewing a middle aged woman)
Hi, how are you?
Woman: Hi, how are you?
Tom Jankeloff: Good. Whaddya think of these gates?
Woman: Unbelievable. Awesome.
Tom Jankeloff: (interrupting her) Right, right. Yeah.
Woman: They’re spectacular.
Tom Jankeloff: How did you come across knowing about them?
Woman: Well, um, I’m from Arizona, but I saw it on the Today Show-
Tom Jankeloff: Right, right, yeah, yeah.
Woman: And, uh-
Tom Jankeloff: Yeah.
Woman: I just got here last night-
Tom Jankeloff: Right, right.
Woman: So this is our first day.
(Cut to Jankeloff interviewing a middle-aged couple.)
Tom Jankeloff: How did the color make you feel?
Woman: Happy, it made my whole-
Tom Jankeloff: (Promptly walks away)
Woman: Heart (gives up and they watch him walk away.)
(Cut to an interview with a jogger.)
Tom Jankeloff: Was it different jogging through these things? Or does jogging still suck?
Jogger: Jogging’s great. I think the gates suck.
Tom Jankeloff: Wow, really. (Jogger walks away)
(interview with a young woman)
Young Woman: I think that they bring a splash of color, to the, to the, park, and-
Tom Jankeloff: Really? Well, that’s not what I think. I think it’s time for a debate. You go first.
Young Woman: (pause) I think that the artist put it here just as an aesthetic for-
Tom Jankeloff: (shakes his head) Nah, nah
Young Woman: -what they wanted to do-
Tom Jankeloff: Nah, nah. That’s where you’re wrong. Do yer research, do yer research.
(cut to him walking under the gates, he walks up to one)
Tom Jankeloff: Uh, this one (knocks on it) My favorite.
(cut to him running through the gates)
I love the gates! Thank you, Cristo!
(slow motion footage of Jankeloff in the park is shown as Sarah McLachlan’s “I Will Remember You” plays in the background. The subtext “In Loving Memory, Tom Jankelhoff, 1970-2005. We’ll Miss You.” appears, as some members of the audience make distressed noises. Back to Update desk.)
Tom Jankeloff: Huh, not bad, right?
Tina: Tom, Tom that kind of makes it seem like you died, at the end.
Tom Jankeloff: Yeah, it’s a nice touch. You know, I’m a filmmaker, you know, and I thought it would be kind of an emotional ending kind of thing.
Tina: All right. Idiot Tom Jankeloff, everybody.
Amy: Mary Kay LeTourneau, the teacher who went to prison for having an affair with her twelve year old student, is going to marry the young man, who is now 22 years old. The couple is registered at Bed, Bath, and Way, Way, Way Beyond.
Tina: It’s been reported that in the event of an emergency situation with North Korea, the U.S. is prepared to send 70% of the Marine Corps to the region. According to President Bush, this will still allow us to send another 70% to Iran, and to keep our other 70% in Iraq.
Amy: New York Governor George Pataki, and Mayor Mike Bloomberg, broke ground on Thursday for a new hotel in Harlem. Then they walked as quickly as they could back to their limos and got the hell out of there.
A Michigan woman who pleaded guilty to driving drunk on three glasses of Listerine was sentenced Tuesday to two years probation. This is the first conviction under this law since the Scopes Monkey Trial.
Tina: No, uh, I don’t think that’s right, actually.
Amy: Oh no, I left school after fourth grade, so uh (Strikes an innocent pose as Tina looks down at her.)
Tina: (laughing) A leading Republican said Sunday that President Bush is so worried about Social Security that he’s only able to sleep ten hours a night.
According to a new study, it is unlikely that lobsters feel pain when they are cooked. Although they do experience some shame if they end up at a Red Lobster.
Amy: In a recent Valentine’s Day posting on her fan website, Britney Spears says that oh, who cares.
Tina: Yeah websites! With the Oscars just one week away, Million Dollar Baby is generating quite a buzz with its seven nominations. Here to talk about his nomination as Best Supporting Actor, Morgan Freeman.
(A chair rolls onstage, but nobody is in it.) Uh Mr. Freeman, are you there?
Morgan Freeman: (We hear Freeman’s voice) I couldn’t believe it was happenin’. Me, Morgan Freeman, about to do Weekend Update.
Tina: Mr. Freeman, where are you?
Morgan Freeman: Gimme a second, I’m narratin’. Here I am. (Comes onstage and sits) Thank you kindly for havin’ me, ladies.
Tina: Oh, our pleasure, Mr. Freeman. Congratulations on your nomination, you must be very excited.
Morgan Freeman: Well, as always, I’m honored. It’s not the first time for an Oscar playin’ the role of a poor white person’s friend who narrates the film. Same old, same old. Kind of old hat for me. I’ve made a career out of helping white folks solve their problems in movies. Savin’ their lives, givin’ them advice but no more! No, sir. I think it’s time Morgan Freeman helped himself. And I’m not talkin’ about saving the world. I’m not talkin’ about making people laugh. I’m talkin’ about a grade A, flat out, no holes barred love scene. I wanna get freaky with some young hottie like every other leading man over fifty. Hell, I’m runnin’ outa time. No more advice like, “Get busy livin,’ or ‘Get busy dyin.’ I just wanna get busy. Period. I don’t wanna be drivin’ Miss Daisy. I wanna be ridin’ Miss Daisy. And you know, come to think of it, I’ve made fifteen films with Ashley Judd. What’s a brother gotta do to get some of that? So please, if anybody’s listenin’, write me a script where there’s a love scene. And when you see me in the bed, I’ll show you a true Oscar-winnin’ performance.
Amy: Investigators said Monday that blood found on the floor of a Detroit home was not that of Jimmy Hoffa, but rather a standard feature of homes in Detroit.
Tina: It was reported that for Valentine’s Day, actor David Arquette gave his wife Courtney Cox a $200,000 ruby and emerald necklace. So I guess it’s a joint checking account in that house. (laughs and some strong boos) Yeah, I’ll take it. Ooh, back at you.
Um last week, doctors reported the discovery of a more virulent and drug-resistant strain of the HIV virus called SuperAids. Or as it’s known in Spanish, Sida Fantastico! Now, you should’ve saved that “ooh” for there. (Audience boos obligingly) There is is!
Amy: An environmentally friendly paper manufacturer in Australia has begun creating paper from marsupial manure. It’s called the New York Post. (some boos) Boo! For Weekend Update, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 14 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players: March 12th, 2005 David Spade Jack Johnson None G. Love Liz Cackowski John Lutz JB Smoove Paula Pell CNN News ReportSummary: Martha Stewart (David Spade) is out of jail and back at work, and her staff is frightened for their lives. Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart. Transcript
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: Audience members question David Spade about his Capitol One commercials. Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.
Artsy HouseSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) show off the weird decor in their ski home. Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Deaf JudgeSummary: The new ABC drama features a judge (Seth Meyers) who has no sense of hearing. Also coming to ABC next Fall: “Idiot Doctor” (David Spade). Transcript
Stunt DoubleSummary: While filming a new action-comedy with Vin Diesel (Horatio Sanz), David Spade learns that his stunt double is a woman (Amy Poehler) who portrays him in an effeminate manner. Transcript
WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it. Note: Repeat from 04h.
Holding CellSummary: After being wrongfully jailed, Andrew (Rob Riggle) shares a cell with Spider (David Spade), an obnoxious inmate who talks the talk but never quite walks the walk. Transcript
Jack Johnson performs “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”Bio: Jack Johnson (1975-). Singer-songwriter; former champion surfer who began writing songs while a film student at the University of California.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Amy gives the hip-hop report, while Tina tries to shoot her. Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) rambles on about income taxes without ever getting to the point. Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez. Transcript
Sean Penn’s Celebrity RoastSummary: Sean Penn (Seth Meyers) hosts a roast for Clint Eastwood (Darrell Hammond), but is too much of a sourpuss to see the humor in comedians’ remarks about the legendary actor. Recurring Characters: Sean Penn, Clint Eastwood, Bea Arthur. Transcript
UPS GuySummary: A UPS delivery guy (David Spade) makes awkward banter with an office receptionist (Rachel Dratch) until he works up the nerve to ask her out. Things become more and more awkward after she turns him down. Transcript
Jingle SingersSummary: A crowd has gathered for a reception performed by C.C. (Maya Rudolph) and Roger Barry (David Spade), a show-biz couple who specialize in commercial jingles.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair. Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Farrell, Topher Grace, and Paul Giamatti.
Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”Bio: G. Love (1972-). Musician; real name: Garrett Dutton III; fronts the band G. Love & Special Sauce. Lyrics
Dirtball and Burnout ConventionSummary: Dirtballs and burnouts will get together this weekend for rowdy fun and hijinks. Recurring Characters: Skeeter. Transcript
Andrew…..Rob Riggle Female Cop…..Amy Poehler Male Cop…..Kenan Thompson Spider…..David Spade
[ open on a close-up on the interior bars of a holding cell, as Male and Female Cop drag Andrew into the cell ]
Andrew: You don’t understand. It’s my car! I’m the one who reported it stolen, but then it was recovered!
Female Cop: Well, I’m sure your story will check out, but, unfortunately, our computer still lists it as stolen.
Male Cop: Look, just sit tight, alright, for an hour, okay? We’ll clear this up.
[ the Cops close the cell door and exit scene ]
[ exasperated, Andrew sits on a bench across from an inmate reading a magazine ]
Andrew: This is just great!
Spider: What happened?
Andrew: Well, last year, my car – it got stolen, right? But then, uh, they recovered it a week later. And, tonight, they pulled me over, saying it was listed as stolen, but it’s not! It’s my car!
Spider: This time? They say I was scalpin’ tickets outside of a Chick Corea. But, like you, I’m “innocent.”
Andrew: I am innocent!
Spider: So, what’s your name, kid?
Andrew: Andrew.
Spider: [ reflective ] Andrew.. You know, the other.. the other guys call me “Spider.”
Andrew: [ looks around the cell, confused ] What other guys?
Spider: The other cons. After a while — [ purses his lips ] maybe you’ll get a little nickname. how about that?
Andrew: I don’t want a nickname, alright? I just want to get out of here.
Spider: [ sighs ] First time in the joint?
Andrew: The joint? This is a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Welome to Hell, kid! A bew fish like you, you’d get eaten up in a second! But, don’t you worry – Daddy gonna take care of you. [ stands, casually saunters toward Andrew ] Here come the Spider. Spider comin’ over..
Andrew: What are you doin’?
Spider: I’m turning’ you out, boy?
Andrew: You’re doing what?!
Spider: I’m turnin’ you out, makin’ you my little girlfriend. [ singing ] “We goin’ to the chapel, and we gonna get married..” [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Spider: [ grabs Andrew some more ] Spider’s gonna put you in a sleeper hold, and, when you wake up, we gonna be man and wife! Start likin’ it!
Andrew: Get your hands off me!
[ Andrew shoves Spider back to the bench on the opposite side of the cell ]
Spider: Oh, you’re a big boy, aren’tcha? [ chuckles ] Strong, tougher than I thought. Spider gonna regroup a little bit, take a breather. By the way, I used to be involved in a little bone-smuggling ring. [ chuckles ] You might get dem smuggler’s blues!
Andrew: I don’t think so, pal.
Spider: [ slowly rises ] Uh-oh. What’s goin’ on? [ starts creeping toward Andrew again ] Spider comin’ back. Here come Spider. What’s he doin’? Comin’ to getcha! We can do this the hard way, or we can do this the easy way — [ grabs a hold of Andrew ]
Andrew: [ resisting ] Hey, we’re not doing this at all!
Spider: I like when the little punk bitch fights back! It makes it all the better!
Andrew: Alright, okay, alright, that’s it!
[ Andrew picks spider up and throws him back onto his side of the cell, briefly shaking part of the sketch set ]
Andrew: Now, just sit there, alright?!
Spider: Yeah —
Andrew: Don’t make me hurt you!
Spider: I give. Uncle! I get it, you’re no stranger to the system. Hey, man – a guy wins, he wins. [ rises, walks toward Andrew while unbuckling his pants ] I guess you’re the man in the relationship – let’s have at it! [ drops his pants and turns his hind toward Andrew ]
Andrew: [ flabbergasted ] What?! Hey! Put your pants on!
Spider: I’m your bitch! Let’s do it!
Andrew: Hey, no! I’m not into men, alright?
Spider: This ain’t about sex, it’s about power. Go on, get in there.
Andrew: Alright, alright.. [ calls out ] Guard! Guard!
Spider: [ quickly puts his pants back on and sits on his bench ] What?! Come on, kid, be cool! Don’t call the guard! You’re asking for trouble, man.
Andrew: Why?
Spider: ‘Cause you get labeled a snitch, man, and you never make it out the big house.
Andrew: Again – we’re in a holding cell in Sherman Oaks!
Spider: Whether it’s Sing Sing, or Sherman Oaks.. out in the yard, nobody likes a snitch!
Andrew: Would you just go over there, and shut up, please?
Spider: Fine. It’s time to do my curls, anyway.
[ Spider picks up a single-pound weight and proceeds to do his curls. After a couple of curls, he breaks into tears. ]
Andrew: What’s wrong?
Spider: [ crying ] Nothing.
Andrew: You okay?
Spider: [ crying ] It’s just.. when we first hooked up —
Andrew: We did not hook up!
Spider: — it was all physical for me. I mean, at the beginning, it was just two men satisfying our natural urges —
Andrew: Nothing happened!!
Spider: — But, somewhere along the line, I fell in love! I knew I shouldn’t. Stu-pid! I can’t help it now. I love you, Andrew.. I love you. [ rises ]
Andrew: Don’t even get up. No! Hey! If you come over here, I’m gonna kick your ass!
Spider: Ooh, speaking of ass – are you reconsidering? [ reaches for his zipper as he turns around ]
Andrew: NO!!
Spider: Ain’t no win.
[ Male Cop opens the cell door ]
Male Cop:
Spider: Nobody here by that name!
Male Cop: I’m sorry. I meant “Spider.”
Spider: Here!
Male Cop: You’re free to go.
Spider: [ purses his lips ] Ohhh. That’s right, Boss-Man.. ain’t no big house can keep me in there.
Male Cop: Actually, your mom put up the $30 bail.
Spider: [ a beat ] That was sweet of her.
Andrew: Well.. thank God that’s over with.
[ Andrew grabs Spider’s magazine to read, as the scene fades ]
Announcer: From the makers of “Blind Justice”, comes a new drama. About overcoming the odds, and living your dream.
Deaf Judge: I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard Law. I was the youngest circuit judge in the history of New York State. Are you telling me that I can’t be a judge anymore, just because I lost my hearing?
Doctor: [ solemnly ] I’m afraid so.
Deaf Judge: What?
Doctor: [ louder ] I’m afraid so!
Deaf Judge: Yeah, I can’t hear you!
[ freeze-frame with title ]
Announcer: “Deaf Judge.” Just because he’s deaf, doesn’t mean he’s not listening.
[ dissolve to courtroom scene, Prosecution and Defense standing before the Judge’s bench ]
Defense: Objection, Your Honor. He is badgering the witness.
Deaf Judge: What?
Defense: Objection.
Deaf Judge: Hey! I’m deaf. I can’t hear you.
Prosecution: Shouldn’t you learn to read lips?
Deaf Judge: [ looks at Prosecution curiously ] Read “mips”? That doesn’t make any sense.
[ show still shots from “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge” ]
Announcer: Also coming this Fall, from the makers of “Blind Justice” and “Deaf Judge”, comes television’s most gripping new drama.
[ dissolve to Idiot Doctor, dressed in scrubs with his tongue hanging out ]
Announcer: A massive head injury left him with the faculties of a four-year old child. The “Idiot Doctor.”
[ freeze frame, with title ]
[ dissolve to a scene: Idiot Doctor wearing a Goofy hat while performing surgery ]
Idiot Doctor: Scalpel.
[ a scalpel is handed to him; he glances at it ]
Idiot Doctor: Ice cream.
[ an ice cream cone is held before him; he takes a bite from it ]
Idiot Doctor: Motorboat.
[ life alert beeps; the patient has died ]
Idiot Doctor: [ distraught ] Mo-tor-boat!!
Announcer: They used to call him Stupid. Now, they call him Doctor Stupid. This Fall, on ABC!
Spokesman…..David Spade Tan or Grime Guys…..Will Forte, Rob Riggle, Seth Meyers Spook Peterson…..Fred Armisen Yvonne Shirley…..Tina Fey Bong Girl…..Rachel Dratch Randy Doneen…..Horatio Sanz Skeeter…..Darrell Hammond
[ open on Spokesman standing in front of the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center ]
Spokesman: what’s crappenin’? It’s time, once again, for the annual Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday and Saturday and Sunday night at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center. If you are a dirtball, a burnout, or just someone interested in the burnout lifestyle, then this show is for you.
[ Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo zooms across the screen ]
It’s all here, man: “Back Off” mud flaps featuring Yosemite Sam hisself. [ holds one up ] We gots ’em. And Levi jackets with the fake sheepskin inside? [ holds one up ] Check mark. Beer cozies from around the country and/or world? [ holds one up ] You came to the right place. How about a little of that Lowenbrau keg? Top me off. That’s right. And you won’t want to miss the “Is That a Tan or Just Grime?” contest.
[ cut to three burnout dudes standing in line with their tan/grime lines exposed ]
Sometimes you can’t tell – at least, the chicks I date. That’s the fun. Pick up your free M-80’s for the kids. [ holds up a bowlful of fireworks ] And see a special appearance by Spook Peterson, the first beer league softball player ever to wear his cut-off jean shorts so short that his inner front pocket hangs out the front, just barely concealing his nuggets.
[ cut to Spook Peterson, wearing his short cut-off jean shorts ]
Spook Peterson: I’ll be there! [ lifts up his leg, revealing pixellated nuggets ]
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Yikes! Visit the “Shoot Shotgun Pellets to a Road Sign” booth. [ holds up a Stop sign covered with holes ] That one’s fun for the entire family. And try your luck at out-ashing the world’s long-ash champion, Yvonne Shirley.
[ cut to Yvonne, holding a cigarette made almost entirely out of the ash ]
Yvonne Shirley: Bring it on, suckers.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: I won’t take that bet. She’s good. And If you’re tweaking out on meth, that’s no prob – just visit the tweak hut. So you can go like this.. [ bounces around sporadically ] ..just like those guys who look like Bugs Bunny hanging out in front of El Pollo Loco on Crescent Heights. And you won’t want to miss the homemade bong gallery.
[ cut to the Bong Girl, surrounded by an assortment of bongs ]
Bong Girl: I made this one myself, out of an STP oil treatment can, a squirrel’s elbow bone, and a pack of Trident Ice I chewed myself.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Right arm! [ flexes his right arm ] Plus, you won’t want to miss a special performance by Kid Rock.. ‘s former roadie applicant-turned-tambourine player, Randy Doneen.
[ cut to Randy, wailing away on his tambourine ]
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: Get down on it, Randy. Pet untrained, dangerous dogs on various subpar leashes. And say Hi to four-time arrestee from TV’s “COPS,” Skeeter.
[ cut to Skeeter ]
Skeeter: What’s up, sons of bitches? I’m gonna teach your kids how to open a beer with a Bic lighter. [ makes two unsuccessful attempts to do so, before ad-libbing: ] Some other time.
[ cut back to Spokesman ]
Spokesman: That’s a good one to have on a resume, for sure. It’s all crappenin’ at the Dirtball/Burnout Convention. Be there!
[ all of the dirtballs and burnouts seen in the previews surround the spokesman ]
All: We will!!
Spokesman: Seriously, who farted?
[ cut to Dirtball and Burnout Convention logo ]
Announcer: Dirtball and Burnout Convention, this Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at the Bakken-Camacho Convention Center, just off Route 9, right next to that place where they put the dogs to sleep.
…..Tina Fey …..Amy Poehler Ghost of Babe Ruth…..Horatio Sanz Ghost of Lulu…..Rachel Dratch
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update,” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[applause]
Amy Poehler: Hello, I’m Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:
This week, in an attempt to appeal to pro-gun voters in the battleground state of Ohio, John Kerry and some friends walked into the woods to retrieve four geese that had been strangled and left for them by Democratic operatives.
Kerry appeared close with his fellow hunters, but as soon as they left, he accused them of raping the geese and setting fire to geese villages.
Amy?
Amy Poehler: Kerry then tried to win over Cuban voters in Florida by shooting Fidel Castro.
Dick Cheney says that because of his history with heart disease, he has received a flu shot, even though they are in short supply. Cheney added, “But even if I was healthy I woulda gotten one, so suck it.”
Tina Fey: Election offices across Florida opened last Monday to give black voters the option of being turned away early. [applause]
This y-[continued applause] This year’s winner of Family Circlemagazine’s Presidential Cookie Bake-off was Laura Bush’s Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk cookies, which beat Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Portuguese Ketchup Rhinocerous bars.
That lady’s weird.
Amy Poehler: Looks gross!
Martha Stewart reportedly spent her first week in prison playing Scrabble and charming her fellow prisoners. And tunneling. Furiously tunneling!
Tina Fey: Well, the Red Sox beat the Yankees this week, and adv- [cheers] Yes, advanced to the World Series for the first time since 1986, they’re already up one game in the World Series- [more cheers] which raises the question: is the curse of the Bambino over?
[moaning heard in the distance]
What is that?
Amy Poehler: What is that?
Tina Fey: It sounds like scary ghost, or someth-
Amy Poehler: Yes! I’m scared, Tina, it’s a terrifying sound!
Tina Fey: I don’t like it!
[more moaning. Pan to the ghost of Babe Ruth, applause]
Ghost of Babe Ruth: What are you talkin’ about, lady? I cursed the hell outa them good-for-nothin’ Red Sox! What about that game, that 18- that 19-8 game? Yeah, I tried to mess up Schilling’s ankle, blood come out of his socket an’ everything. Hey, you know what? I also gave Johnny Damon that ladies haircut!
Tina Fey: Alright, but that was the first two games. What about Game Four? Where were you in Game Four?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Well, you know what, Game Four looked like the game was in the bag, so you know, I left. Uh, me, Mickey Mantle and Rodney Dangerfield, we went and got a few beers. And then I entered a ghost hotdog-eating contest. And I, uh, passed out.
Amy Poehler: You passed out for Game Four?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Game Four…Five, Six, and Seven.
Amy Poehler: So you only had a few beers, is that what you’re saying?
Ghost of Babe Ruth: And some gasoline.
Tina Fey: Aw, you drank gasoline??
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Yeah, and some horse tranquilizers. Listen–
Tina Fey: Aw, Babe!
Ghost of Babe Ruth: That’s nothing new. One time I passed out for the whole season. And I still hit forty homers! [holds bat in front of him, but realizes he’s holding it the wrong way] Like this, I was left-handed.
[more moaning; the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker enters]
Amy Poehler: Oh, another ghost!
Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is, uh, Lulu. She’s, uh, my ghost hooker.
Amy Poehler: Oh my gosh.
Ghost of Lulu: Bambino! Whooo! I’m waiting out for you in the ghost car!
Tina Fey: This is your ghost hooker? So you’re telling me you were at a ghost hotdog-eating contest–
Ghost of Babe Ruth: Right.
Tina Fey: With Rodney Dangerfield’s ghost, and a ghost hooker, when you should’ve been cursing the Red Sox!
Ghost of Lulu: Did you know Babe can eat over a thousand of those hotdogs in one sitting? [holds her mouth open in astonishment]
Ghost of Babe Ruth: This is- this little sweet gal here, she’s the sweetest hooker in heaven! And you know what, in heaven, all theladies–[cracks up] in my heaven, are hookers, so I mean, that’s really sayin’ something.
Ghost of Lulu: That’s my guy!
Tina Fey: The ghost of Babe Ruth and the ghost of Babe Ruth’s hooker, everyone! [applause] Oooooh!
Amy Poehler: First Lady Laura Bush said Tuesday that if her husband is elected to a second term, she would like to help juvenile delinquents with substance abuse problems. When asked how she would do that, Mrs. Bush replied, “Just as I always have. By marrying them and bearing their children.”
Tina Fey: A German man is patenting a device which he claims canstraighten bananas, making them easier to eat, ship, and store. Because, how many times has this happened to you? [points to Amy]
Amy Poehler: [fumbling with two bananas] Oh, these bananas are so hard to eat!
[frustrated, Amy drops the bananas. She and Tina shrug their shoulders. Cheers and applause. Both try handling the bananas again]
Tina Fey: Whoa!
Amy Poehler: [placing one banana near her ear, like a telephone] Hello?
Because of the controversy surrounding accusations that he harrassed a former colleague, Bill O’Reilly has cancelled a number of TV interviews intended to promote his new children’s book, Curious Engorged.
Tina Fey: Andrea Mackris, the woman suing O’Reilly for sexual harassment in the form of unwanted phone sex, is alledgedly seeking sixty million dollars in damages, which sounds like a lot until you realize it breaks down to about $2.99 a minute.
Several major American Muslim groups gave their endorsement to John Kerry this week. In response, Kerry was like, “Aw, no, really, thanks, I’m good. Thanks, though. Thank you.”
Amy Poehler: John Kerry said in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine that he would end the color-coded Terror Alert system, and find a more thoughtful way of alerting the American people. [picture of ketchup bottles of various colors, with labels from “Low” to “High”]
Tina Fey: I feel bad, ’cause my favorite flavor is “high.”
Helmut Simon, who thirteen years ago found the 5000-year-old remains of a prehistoric man frozen in the ice of an Alpine glacier, has himself disappeared in the snow-covered Alps. Helmut, if you can hear me, don’t give up. Help is on the way, in 5000 years.
Amy Poehler: F/X announced Thursday that actress Glenn Close will join the cast of “The Sheild.”
Tina Fey: Oh god, that’s so great! “The Shield” is so good!
Amy Poehler: I know!
Tina Fey: Do you ever watch it?
Amy Poehler: No.
Tina Fey: Me neither. [both pause for a moment]
Amy Poehler: Last week, a pet turtle in China, where turtles are a symbol of longevity, climbed through an apartment window, fell ten stories onto the roof of a taxi, and survived. The turtle claims it was an accident, but then why did he leave a note? [picture of an unintelligible scribbled note] Turtle writing!
Tina Fey: According to a new study, almost half of all New York City high school students have lost their virginity.
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler: You’re welcome.
Tina Fey: Hi Jimmy!
Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler!
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 30: Episode 4 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
October 30th, 2004 Kate Winslet Eminem None Johnny Damon Proof NBC Special ReportSummary: Osama bin Laden (Seth Meyers) delivers a videotaped message about the U.S. Election and Ashlee Simpson’s appearance on last week’s episode of “Saturday Night Live.” Recurring Characters: Tom Brokaw, Osama bin Laden. Transcript
Montage
Kate Winslet’s MonologueSummary: Following last week’s Ashlee Simpson debacle, Kate Winslet sings and dances in order to prove that the show really is live. Bio: Kate Winslet (1975-). Actress; often prefers to play “devilish damsels” on film rather than traditional starlet roles; films include “Titanic” (1997) and “Finding Neverland” (2004).
Mrs. Dr. FrankensteinSummary: Mrs. Dr. Frankenstein (Kate Winslet) builds her perfect man (Fred Armisen), who turns out to be a gay monster. Recurring Characters: Frankenstein.
TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel cartoon pokes fun of John McCain, who can’t bring himself to deliver a Bush campaign support speech.
Clinton’s EndorsementSummary: While helping out on his campaign, Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) receives greater praise than John Kerry (Seth Meyers). Recurring Characters: John Kerry, Bruce Springsteen, Clarence Clemons, Teresa Heinz Kerry, Bill Clinton.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Seth Meyers and Johnny Damon are thrilled by the Red Sox’s World Series win. Will Forte belches out his favorite Halloween songs. After becoming a naturalized citizen of the United States, Diego (Fred Armisen) explores Democracy Plaza. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) comments on Ashlee Simpson’s lip-synching debacle. Recurring Characters: Elton John. Bio: Johnny Damon (1973-). Athlete; outfielder for the Boston Red Sox, 2002-05.
Kaitlin At The MallSummary: Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) begs her older cousin (Kate Winslet) to pierce her ears. Recurring Characters: Kaitlin, Rick.
Eminem with Proof performs “Just Lose It”Bio: Proof (1973-2006). Rapper; appeared with Eminem in the film “8 Mile” (2002); shot to death outside a Detroit club after killing a military veteran.
Election Map ColorsSummary: Prior to reporting election coverage, Tim Russert (Darrell Hammond) and Tom Brokaw (Chris Parnell) try to pick a neutral color to represent the uncounted states. Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, Tom Brokaw.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts Halloween InterventionSummary: Friends gather round at a Halloween party to helptheir heavy-drinking friend (Chris Parnell).
Fight Back with Victor RamosSummary: Victor Ramos (Horatio Sanz) shows a Chicago Transit Authority employee (Kate Winslet) the proper way to fight terrorism. Note: This sketch will eventually air in next season’s episode hosted by Dane Cook.
DivorceSummary: Parents (Chris Parnell, Kate Winslet) struggle to find a way to break the news of their impending divorce to their children (Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Will Forte).
Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.
Its HappeningsSummary: Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) hosts his cable access show from a low-rent buffet. Recurring Characters: Terry Funcke.
John Kerry AdSummary: Women are eager to vote for John Kerry (Seth Meyers). Recurring Characters: John Kerry.
Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film, a man (Scott Wainio) has a restraining order placed on him.
Bear CitySummary: Frustration culminates when a bear tries to get cigarettes from a gas station. Note: This short film will air in the episode hosted by Paris Hilton.
Bear CitySummary: In high school, a boy bear’s friends embarrass him in front of a group of girl bears.
Song appears
Song appears
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