Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 14
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
March 12th, 2005
David Spade
Jack Johnson
None
G. Love
Liz Cackowski
John Lutz
JB Smoove
Paula Pell
CNN News ReportSummary: Martha Stewart (David Spade) is out of jail and back at work, and her staff is frightened for their lives.
Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.
Transcript
David Spade’s MonologueSummary: Audience members question David Spade about his Capitol One commercials.
Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell’s Wife.
Artsy HouseSummary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) show off the weird decor in their ski home.
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Deaf JudgeSummary: The new ABC drama features a judge (Seth Meyers) who has no sense of hearing. Also coming to ABC next Fall: “Idiot Doctor” (David Spade).
Transcript
Stunt DoubleSummary: While filming a new action-comedy with Vin Diesel (Horatio Sanz), David Spade learns that his stunt double is a woman (Amy Poehler) who portrays him in an effeminate manner.
Transcript
WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.
Note: Repeat from 04h.
Holding CellSummary: After being wrongfully jailed, Andrew (Rob Riggle) shares a cell with Spider (David Spade), an obnoxious inmate who talks the talk but never quite walks the walk.
Transcript
Jack Johnson performs “Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”Bio: Jack Johnson (1975-). Singer-songwriter; former champion surfer who began writing songs while a film student at the University of California.
Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Amy gives the hip-hop report, while Tina tries to shoot her. Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) rambles on about income taxes without ever getting to the point.
Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.
Transcript
Sean Penn’s Celebrity RoastSummary: Sean Penn (Seth Meyers) hosts a roast for Clint Eastwood (Darrell Hammond), but is too much of a sourpuss to see the humor in comedians’ remarks about the legendary actor.
Recurring Characters: Sean Penn, Clint Eastwood, Bea Arthur.
Transcript
UPS GuySummary: A UPS delivery guy (David Spade) makes awkward banter with an office receptionist (Rachel Dratch) until he works up the nerve to ask her out. Things become more and more awkward after she turns him down.
Transcript
Jingle SingersSummary: A crowd has gathered for a reception performed by C.C. (Maya Rudolph) and Roger Barry (David Spade), a show-biz couple who specialize in commercial jingles.
Bear CitySummary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.
Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Farrell, Topher Grace, and Paul Giamatti.
Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love perform “Mudfootball”Bio: G. Love (1972-). Musician; real name: Garrett Dutton III; fronts the band G. Love & Special Sauce.
Lyrics
Dirtball and Burnout ConventionSummary: Dirtballs and burnouts will get together this weekend for rowdy fun and hijinks.
Recurring Characters: Skeeter.
Transcript
GoodnightsTranscript
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Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Record DealSummary: Wanna-be musicians (Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.
Bridal ShowerSummary: A bridal shower gets out of hand when a pair of male strippers (Horatio Sanz, David Spade) show up dressed like Spiderman.
The Upskirt ReportSummary: Field reporters (Seth Meyers, Chris Parnell) look up ladies’ skirts.
Mysterious PhenomenaSummary: A would-be psychic’s (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.
Bear CitySummary: A bear joins a garage rock band.
