Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 14


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

March 12th, 2005

David Spade

Jack Johnson

None

G. Love

Liz Cackowski

John Lutz

JB Smoove

Paula Pell

CNN News Report
Summary: Martha Stewart (David Spade) is out of jail and back at work, and her staff is frightened for their lives.

Recurring Characters: Martha Stewart.

Transcript


David Spade's Monologue
Summary: Audience members question David Spade about his Capitol One commercials.

Recurring Characters: Terrell, Terrell's Wife.


Artsy House
Summary: Nuni (Fred Armisen) and Nuni (Maya Rudolph) show off the weird decor in their ski home.

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.


Deaf Judge
Summary: The new ABC drama features a judge (Seth Meyers) who has no sense of hearing. Also coming to ABC next Fall: "Idiot Doctor" (David Spade).

Transcript


Stunt Double
Summary: While filming a new action-comedy with Vin Diesel (Horatio Sanz), David Spade learns that his stunt double is a woman (Amy Poehler) who portrays him in an effeminate manner.

Transcript


Woomba
Summary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 04h.


Holding Cell
Summary: After being wrongfully jailed, Andrew (Rob Riggle) shares a cell with Spider (David Spade), an obnoxious inmate who talks the talk but never quite walks the walk.

Transcript


Jack Johnson performs "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing"
Bio: Jack Johnson (1975-). Singer-songwriter; former champion surfer who began writing songs while a film student at the University of California.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler
Summary: Amy gives the hip-hop report, while Tina tries to shoot her. Jorge Rodriguez (Horatio Sanz) rambles on about income taxes without ever getting to the point.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript


Sean Penn's Celebrity Roast
Summary: Sean Penn (Seth Meyers) hosts a roast for Clint Eastwood (Darrell Hammond), but is too much of a sourpuss to see the humor in comedians' remarks about the legendary actor.

Recurring Characters: Sean Penn, Clint Eastwood, Bea Arthur.

Transcript


UPS Guy
Summary: A UPS delivery guy (David Spade) makes awkward banter with an office receptionist (Rachel Dratch) until he works up the nerve to ask her out. Things become more and more awkward after she turns him down.

Transcript


Jingle Singers
Summary: A crowd has gathered for a reception performed by C.C. (Maya Rudolph) and Roger Barry (David Spade), a show-biz couple who specialize in commercial jingles.


Bear City
Summary: In a pinch, a bear uses the handicapped toilet, only to be confronted by a bear in a wheelchair.

Note: This short film was cut from the dress rehearsals of the episodes hosted by Colin Farrell, Topher Grace, and Paul Giamatti.


Jack Johnson, featuring G. Love perform "Mudfootball"
Bio: G. Love (1972-). Musician; real name: Garrett Dutton III; fronts the band G. Love & Special Sauce.

Lyrics


Dirtball and Burnout Convention
Summary: Dirtballs and burnouts will get together this weekend for rowdy fun and hijinks.

Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Record Deal
Summary: Wanna-be musicians (Maya Rdolph, Kenan Thompson, Finnesse Mitchell) try to secure a record deal.


Bridal Shower
Summary: A bridal shower gets out of hand when a pair of male strippers (Horatio Sanz, David Spade) show up dressed like Spiderman.


The Upskirt Report
Summary: Field reporters (Seth Meyers, Chris Parnell) look up ladies' skirts.


Mysterious Phenomena
Summary: A would-be psychic's (Fred Armisen) predictions for the future consistently turn out to be wrong.


Bear City
Summary: A bear joins a garage rock band.



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