Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.
[ open on exterior, Civil War-era plantation home, as members of a Southern family sit on the porch and reflect. A banner above the eaves reads: “Welcome Home, Colonel Angus!” ]
Melinda: [ sitting on the steps ] When’s he gonna get here, Mama?
Miss Anabelle: [ setting on her rocker ] Anytime now, child.. be patient.
Melinda: Is he very handsome?
Miss Anabelle: [ chuckles ] He’s been away at war so long, I don’t rightly remember.
Melinda: Mama! Look! There’s a carriage on the horizon!
Miss Anabelle: Oh? [ looking about ] Well, where, dear child?
Melinda: There! [ points ] Traveling down the road! Darting in and out of the cotton!
Miss Anabelle: Oh.. oh! Well, that must be the Colonel! Colonel Angus!
Melinda: [ excited ] Could it really be, Mama? Could it really be Colonel Angus?
Miss Anabelle: ..I don’t know, uh.. We haven’t seen Colonel Angus around these parts for years..
[ Daddy steps onto the porch, from inside the plantation ]
Daddy: Are you ladies out here talking about Colonel Angus?
Melinda: Yes, Daddy! I can’t wait to meet him!
Daddy: Oh, watch out, Melinda! Once a woman is introduced to Colonel Angus, she’ll settle for nothing less.
Melinda: Daddy, they say all the womenfolk just love Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Hmm.. I don’t know why people make such a big fuss over Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: I myself never much cared for Colonel Angus! He rubs me the wrong way. I’m not sure why.. can’t put my finger on it..
Daddy: Colonel Angus is an acquired taste! Bedelia!
[ Bedelia, the maid, comes running onto the porch ]
Bedelia: Yes, Sir?
Miss Anabelle: Break out some fresh linens, Bedilia! We’re gonna have Colonel Angus here tonight!
Bedelia: Colonel Angus? I don’t know nothin’ about no Colonel Angus!
Daddy: Well, get ready, Bedelia. If I remember correctly, Colonel Angus can be very messy!
[ at last, Colonel Angus steps onto the porch ]
Daddy: As I live and breath! Colonel Angus!
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Colonel Angus! You old Carpetbagger!
Colonel Angus: Anabelle! I fear my visit.. is an inconvenience.
Miss Anabelle: [ laughing ] Nonsense, Colonel Angus! We’re always happy to see your shiny face!
Daddy: Colonel Angus! What brings you to these parts?
Colonel Angus: I’m headed.. down South!
Daddy: Hmm. Of course!
Miss Anabelle: Uh.. how far south are you headed, Colonel Angus?
Colonel Angus: T’ain’t really sure. I prefer the Deep South.. I like the heat.. the humidity..
Daddy: Hmmm.. sir, I do not!
Colonel Angus: [ ] And who is this.. little rosebud?
Daddy: This is our daughter, Melinda.
Melinda: Colonel Angus. The pleasure is all mine. I’ve heard so much about you.
Colonel Angus: Well, my dear.. don’t believe everything you hear.. about ol’ Colonel Angus. Colonel Angus might be rough.. Colonel Angus might not smell like a bed of roses.. but, deep down.. Colonel Angus is very sweet.
Miss Anabelle: Well, we hope you’ll spend the night with us.
Colonel Angus: Well, thank you, Miss Anabelle. And if I overstay my welcome.. just tap me on the head.
Melinda: I always dreamnt of the day.. Colonel Angus would rest his head at Shady Thicket. I always begged my Daddy: “Tell me stories about you and Colonel Angus!” But he never will.
Daddy: [ chuckling ] Well, that’s because all of my experiences with Colonel Angus end in embarrassment!
[ they all share a hearty laugh ]
Daddy: Colonel Angus.. I hear rumors.
Colonel Angus: [ sighs ] The incident.. at Big Beaver..
Daddy: Yes?
Colonel Angus: It’s true, I’m afraid.. ten men were lost.. and I suffered a great injury.. to my jaw.
Daddy: Is it true you’ve been stripped of your rank?
Colonel Angus: Yes! It is. There’ll be no more “Colonel Angus”, ladies. Call me by my given name.
Miss Anabelle: Oh, Anal..
Melinda: I so love the sound of “Colonel Angus”.. but I guess I could give Anal Angus a try.
Colonel Angus: [ to a passing farm boy ] You there, Boy! ride into town and tell the Postmaster.. that if anyone is looking for Anal Angus.. to come knockin’ at the rear entrance.. of Shady Thicket.
Farm Boy: Euuuggghhh..
Colonel Angus: If you’ll excuse me.. I’d like to freshen up.
[ Colonel Angus turns, and enters the plantation home ]
Miss Anabelle: Of course! We’ll call you when it’s time to eat, Anal! Bedelia lays out quite a spread.
Melinda: Well, I think Colonel Angus is delightful!
Daddy & Miss Anabelle: Hmmm….
Miss Anabelle: You won’t.. after forty-five minutes.
Daddy: No-o-o.. you can only take so much of Colonel Angus.
Don Cheadle…..Dean Edwards Lucious Claymont…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: For the History Channel, this is “African-American Archives”.
[ dissolve to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]
Don Cheadle: The year was 1935. Hollywood was in its first Golden Age, and a man named Lucious Claymont would go down in motion picture history, with a film called “Bride of Frankenstein.”
[ dissolve to movie poster for “The Bride of Frankenstein” ]
Lucious didn’t direct the film, nor act in it, nor did he have any part in its production; but he did buy a ticket.
[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle standing before image of Lucious Claymont ]
While the non-classic film unspooled, and everyone in the audience watched in rapt silence, Lucious, in a then unheard-of display of emotion, rose to his feet and simply said, “Oh, no you ain’t! Oh, no you ain’t going in that monster’s castle!”
[ dissolve to various still photos of Lucious Claymont communicating with the moving picture from his seat in the theater ]
On that faithful day, Lucious Claymont became the first African-American man to yell at the movie screen, attempting, through sheer volume and determination, to communicate with the characters on the screen, and warn them of impending danger.
[ dissolve back to Don Cheadle ]
It would take some time, but soon, thanks to this one brave pioneer, black people everywhere would have the courage to yell at the movie screen. From the loudest, “I know you ain’t even gonna be openin’ that closet!” to the most plaintive, “Oh, no you didn’t! He nasty!”
It all began with the great Lucious Claymont. For the History Channel, I’m Don Cheadle.
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[ a glove breezes past the Continental’s door, ringing the doorbell ]
The Continental: [ opens the door ] Ouch! You must be the fashion model.. who answered my ad in the Penny Saver. Welcome to my abode.. come in.. please. [ the camera enters the apartment, as the Continnetal stares ] Wow! You would.. you would make a beautiful spokesperson.. for my new line.. of cosmetic. Please, sit.. Sit, please. Please.. sit. [ sits next to the Continental, looking at him cautiously ] Normally, I would offer you.. vintage Champagna.. and cavier. But.. I have grown impatient with the French. Ever since the Froggy stabbed Colin Powell in the back.. I eschew all things French.. no more! Camembert.. fois gras.. eau de cologne.. Frenchie, from “American Idol”.. and, big surprise to me.. champagna! Who knew! That’s the only place champagna come from! But.. my word is my bond.. it is done. Instead.. I offer you. effervescent.. Andre’s Cold Duck. [ camera shakes head no ] No? Ah. Then.. let me offer you.. a nosh. I must confess.. without the frogs, my cuisine – excuse me, “food” – has suffered.. but.. what have we here? [ holds out tray of vending machine snacks ] Bugles.. with cream cheese. We got.. ants-on-a-log – hello! Combos.. they cheese your hunger away! Enjoy! While I freshen up..
[ The Continental exits the front room, as the camera looks about the room. Camera focuses on a row of books on a shelf, pulls one out and opens it, as if to read, discovering instead a copy of Snoop Dogg’s “Doggy-Style” edition of “Girls Gone Wild”. Camera pans right to find the Contnental has returned, pleased with the video discovery ]
I cannot help but notice.. you admire my video collection! Snoop! You gotta love the guy.. he knows how to spend his money, huh! Do you enjoy some spice.. in your video life? What you see here.. is the tip.. of the iceberg. The rest is concealed away. Would you like to take a peek? Maybe.. we could make a movie together. [ camera shakes head no ] I toy with you. Hey! I got toys, too! I gotta camera.. I got the whole schmear! No? [ camera flees for the door, intercepted as usual by the overzealous Continental ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! You.. are fast! Sit, please. You are too.. [ kisses woman’s outstretched hand ] ..exquisite.. to leave so soon, you.. wof.. my arctic hush puppy! Let me show you my line.. of homemade products.. you will model. No animals used.. lip gloss.. hmm? Try some. [ dips finger in gooey lip gloss, holds it in front of camera’s “mouth”, then quickly retrieves it after being “bitten” ] Owww!!! If that was love bite.. then, you must love me a lot! Look at this.. you broke the skin! Bad vixen! You naughty cougar! I forgive you.. but.. you must kiss it! Come on, tiger! Kiss it! You must kiss it.. [ holds his hurt finger in front of camera ] Come on, come on, come on.. make it better! [ points his finger seductively down to his crotch; the camera agains flees for the door, but The Continental once again blocks the path ]
Forgive me, please.. my passions overtook me. I forgot myself, and let the little head think for the big one. What can I say? I’m a guy! [ laughs ] Okay! Forget lip gloss.. it stinks.. it’s junk.. ptooie! [ spits ] Focus on hand cream.. its the shiznit. [ kisses woman’s hand, then leads the way to his wondrous hand cream ] Come! Let me show you the engine that powers my light. Come! I beseech you! Behold! [ holds up what looks to have been a food jar of some kind ] Behold.. Continental hand cream. Good.. huh? I package it myself.. also, guess what? Once upon a time, this was Vlasic pickle jar.. the lable comes off.. in the dishwasher. Wowee! [ laughs ] You know.. beauty.. it’s so important.. especially in these dark times.. because.. without beauty, the terrorists.. will have truly won. Can.. can you step closer, please? Little closer. [ camera moves closer, as The Continental looks down at the floor; camera looks down as well, only to discover a her reflection on a floor mirror ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow-wow! “I see London.. I see France.. I see something..” No, wait! Wait, no! no, don’t leave! Please! My intention.. my intention, you misunderstood! Please, forgive me! Wait! If you change your mind, you can call me!
[ camera flees for the door, makes her exit, then slams the door behind her and runs ]
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.
Christopher Walken: Thanks.. to the Foo Fighters.. Will Ferrell.. [ audience explodes with applause ] Steve Martin.. Steve Martin! Britney Spears.. and Jim Carrey!
[ Walken looks around for Jim Carrey, who’s lingering near Steve Martin in the sea of talent behind him ]
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Douglas Feith…..Chris Parnell Dominique de Villepen…..Christopher Walken
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! In the last week, millions of Americans have gathered together to protest the impending war with Iraq! Listen, protestors, I got news for ya: Bush is ignoring France, Germany, China and Russia; he’s definitely not gonna listen to some white kid with dreadlocks banging on his frat buddy’s bongo drum! Can anything stop this red, white and blue freight train, or is Baghdad about to have more craters than Edward Jame Olmos’ face? With us today, one of the honkiest honks around, a guy who puts the “Grr!” in “warmonger”; Undersecretary of Defense, Douglas Feith.
Douglas Feith: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Shut it! Also joining us, the man whose anti-war stance has given Bush more trouble than the People Magazine crossword puzzle, French Foreign Minister, Dominique de Villepen.
Dominique de Villepen: Allo.. Messieur Matthew.
Chris Matthews: That was fine! You people in the State Department are hell-bent on attacking Saddam! I haven’t seen a group of people this crazy for blood, since the Cobra Kai chased Daniel-san out of the Halloween dance in “The Karate Kid”!
Douglas Feith: [ confused ] What?
Chris Matthews: Answer the question!
Douglas Feith: [ needlessly arguing with Chris ] You didn’t ask me a question!
Chris Matthews: Answer it!
Douglas Feith: [ sighs ] Chris, we find it apalling how Saddam Hussein is ignoring the United Nations! He has ignored the United Nations for almost fifteen years! America only wants to ignore the United Nations for seven to ten days. Then, we’ll go right back to pretending we care what they say.
Chris Matthews: [ shaking his head ] I’m gonna assume you know that that’s stupid, and I’m gonna move on. Inspector Clouseau! Your thoughts!
Dominique de Villepen: Chris.. France does not oppose this war because we are pro-Iraq.. we oppose it because we are anti-America! I mean.. let’s face it.. you guys are ridiculous. You are loud..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Dominique de Villepen: ..greedy..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Dominique de Villepen: ..bloodthirsty..
Chris Matthews: Check!
Dominique de Villepen: ..boorish..
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh!
Dominique de Villepen: You’re a bunch of fat.. oil-guzzling, ham-faces!
Chris Matthews: Thats big talk from a country whose only contributions to world culture in the last 50 years are Gerard Depardieu and that horny skunk!
Dominique de Villepen: [ insulted ] Pepe le Pew! Eh? What about him?
Douglas Feith: Uh.. uh.. Chris! Can I say something? Uh.. many people are, uh.. accusing this administration of warmongering! The fact is, military conflict was not our first option; it was simply the only one we considered. Uh.. I mean.. we would have loved to have solved this peacefully, but you know as well as I do, that simply would not have been any fun.
Chris Matthews: Man, oh man! Theres more testosterone in the Pentagon right now than in Mike Tysons urine! Jacques Cousteau! Will France ever support military action?
Dominique de Villepen: Certanly. The truth.. of the matter.. we don’t wish to prevent war. We hate Saddam. But.. we know how much Bush wants war.. so we.. want to make it as hard as possible.. just to be, how you say.. “douchebag”.
Chris Matthews: [ chuckling ] Wow! I gotta say, Tin-Tin, I like your style! Douglas Feith! North Korea, by all accounts, poses a larger threat! Why go after Iraq first?!
Douglas Feith: Well, I think it’s pretty logical, Chris. We’re doing it alphabetically.
Chris Matthews: Uh-huh..
Douglas Feith: Afghanistan.. Iraq.. North Korea.. next will be Puerto Rico.. then, Sweden. We’re hoping to finish up with Zimbabwe by 2006.
Chris Matthews: I want to try something. Hey, Feith! How would you fix the American economy?
Douglas Feith: I’d bomb it.
Chris Matthews: How about education?
Douglas Feith: Blow it up.
Chris Matthews: What would you do if a deli screwed up your lunch order!
Douglas Feith: Assassinate him.
Chris Matthews: [ laughing ] That’s what I thought! Ha ha! Francie! Anything left to add!
Dominique de Villepen: I hate you. I’m bored.
Chris Matthews: [ singing ] “Frere Jacques, Frere Jacques, shut your hole!” When we come back, Douglas Feith’s gonna explain why we should invade Wisconsin! and then, you’re gonna hear French Ambassador Dominique de Villepen say..
Dominique de Villepen: “Live.. from New York.. it’s.. Saturday Night!”
Christopher Walken: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
[ audience applauds wildly ]
You know.. this is..
[ audience seems unable to stop applauding; it’s Christopher Walken, after all ]
You know.. this is the part of the show.. where you can be.. yourself.. and do whatever you want. Hit it!
[ the SNL Band strikes up a tune behind Walken, as he sings and dances for the audience’s delight ]
[singing, and dancing ] “I know why I waited Know why I’ve been blue. Prayed each night for someone Exactly like you!
Why should we spend money on a show or two? No one does those love scenes exactly like you!
Now, I know my mother taught me to be true She meant me for someone exactly like you!”
[ stops singing, returns to his speech ]
You see.. we tried.. all week..
[ audience explodes with applause ]
All week, we tried to think of something to do at the top of the show, and couldn’t. Then, I thought.. I’ve done the show six times, just.. get it over with! I can do crazy mix-em-ups. Whatever I want! I can tap dance.
[ moves his feet rapidly, in an effort to keep up with the tap-dancing sound effects ]
And then I remembered.. what always works: Girls!!
[ Las Vegas-style showgirls surround Walken and dance, as he continues his song ]
“I know my mother taught me to be true She meant me for someone exactly like you!”
[ to the showgirls ] Thank you, and you.. [ faces the audience ] We got a great show for you. Foo Fighters are here. So.. stick around.. we’ll be right back.
[ cut to show jingle, which features a montage of Zack Ricky playing pranks: putting whoopie cushion under chair, setting up bucket of water over door jamb, etc. ]
Jingle: When your back is turned Here comes a prank! You’re gonna get burned Here comes a prank!
When the worm is turned Your lesson will be learned! You’re watching “Pranksters”!”
[ dissolve to zany show set ]
Zack Ricky: Welcome to “Pranksters!”
[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Yeah! We have another totally awseome episode for you today! Totally awesome if you’re cool, that is! If your some Stiffly Stifferson, who has a prank coming your way, you might not be as psyched! But enough chit-chat! Let’s bring out our first Prankster – Danny Einhorn!
[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]
[ Danny, in bleached blonde hair and baggy clothes, enters set ]
Danny Einhorn: Hey hey, what’s up!
Zack Ricky: Hey!
Danny Einhorn: It’s so great to be here! I love the show!
Zack Ricky: Well, it’s always great to meet another prankster! Tell us a little bit about your target!
Zack Ricky: Great sound effects! Ted the Sound Effects guy!
Danny Einhorn: [ excited to tell his story ] Well! Some have called her a queen-sized Stiffly Stifferson, but I call her.. “my sister”!
[ cue foghorn sound effect ]
Danny Einhorn: [ giggles ]
Zack Ricky: Well, thanks to our patented Prankster Hidden Camera, we can see exactly what went down!
[ dissolve to Danny’s sister’s room, where he has entered and invaded during her absence; Danny holds a rubber rat up before the hidden camera ]
Danny Einhorn V/O: The thing about my sister is – she hates.. rats!
Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look like Sis might be in some trouble!
Danny Einhorn V/O: Hah hah ha! You bet! It was Prom night.. so I was pretty sure Sis would be making a move for some jewelry.. ha ha! And, sure enough..
[ on video, Danny hides the rubber rat in Sister’s jewelry box, then hides in the closet; soon, Sister enters room ]
Zack Ricky V/O: Uh-oh! Look out, Sis!
Danny Einhorn: Ha ha! I know!
[ on video, Sister opens her jewelry box, discovering the rubber rat and reacting thusly ]
Sister (on video): Aaaggghhhhh!!!! Danny!!
[ on video, Danny come running out of the closet, as Sister comes after him; Danny gives the thumbs-up to the hidden camera, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]
[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]
Zack Ricky V/O: Whammy, blammy, yowee-zowee! You’ve just been pranked!
[ cue bricks falling sound effect ]
Danny Einhorn: Got ‘er!! [ laughs ]
Zack Ricky: Thanks for stopping by, Danny! And, to all you sisters out there: Never yank a prankster!
[ cue “Bo-i-i-i-inggg” sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Well, let’s bring out our next Prankster – Larry Hobson!
[ cue fun-whistle siren sound effect ]
[ Larry, a grown man, enters set ]
Larry Hobson: Thanks, Zack! I’m a huge fan! I’m such a huge fan! Huge!
Zack Ricky: Thank you, Larry. You know, I’m gonna come right out and say it: you’re a lot older than most of our Pranksters.
Larry Hobson: Well.. I like to think all Pranksters are young at heart.
Zack Ricky: All right! Sounds good! Now, tell us about your target!
[ cue bow-and-arrow sound effect ]
Larry Hobson: This guy.. I’ll tell ya.. he was a Stiffy Stifferson like you wouldn’t believe, his name is Phil.. and he always takes my parking space at work.
Zack Ricky: [ speaking to the camera ] I’m getting the feeling you probably shouldn’t have done that, Phil!
Larry Hobson: [ trying to stifle his laughter ] I think.. he probably.. agrees with you, now! [ laughs ]
[ cue foghorn sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Well, let’s not waste any time! Prankster Hidden Camera, go!
[ dissolve to video of employee prking lot, as Larry enters frame by Phil’s car, smiles at the hidden camera, then hides behind Phil’s car ]
Larry Hobson V/O: Okay! This.. is from.. last Friday. I sneaked down early, and hid behind Phil’s car.
Zack Ricky V/O: Looks like you’d better brace yourself, Phil!
[ on video, Phil enters frame, grinning smugly as he fishes his keys from his pocket and opens the driver’s-side door ]
Larry Hobson V/O: Look.. how proud he looks with his parking spot!
Zack Ricky V/O: [ anticipating a great prank ] I can’t wait for him to get it!
[ on video, Larry jumps out from behind Phil’s car, and proceeds to smash Phil’s backside with a rusty tire iron, until Phil’s lifeless body slumps onto the pavement; still clutching the tire iron with his right hand, Larry jumps in front of the hidden camera and displays a victory thumbs-up with his left hand, as the “Prank!” logo graphic covers the screen ]
[ dissolve back to “Pranksters” studio ]
Larry Hobson: [ laughing uproariously ]
Zack Ricky: [ stunned by the freakish turn of events ] Wha-wha-what happened?
Larry Hobson: I jumped out and pranked him! To death with a tire iron!
[ cue buggy horn sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: What?!
Larry Hobson: [ fighting the tears from laughing so hard ] Yeah! You shoulda seen the look.. on his face! Classic!
[ cue splatting sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ appalled ] Hold on.. I-I-I-I don’t understand..
Larry Hobson: What’s not to understand?! He was a Stiffly Stifferson.. so I stuck it to ‘im! Whammy!! Whammy, wowee, zowee! You just been.. pranked!
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Can we, uh.. can we cut the sound effects, Ted? Please?
Larry Hobson: He.. he had it coming, Zack! He yanked the Prankster! Right, Ted?
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: Ted, I’m serious! Cut off the sound effects! Larry, is this some sort of prank you’re playing on me?
Larry Hobson: [ flabbergasted ] Prank you?! Why, I-I-I-I’d never prank you.. you’re my hero!
[ cue sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ annoyed ] Ted! Come on! now, a man has died here!
[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]
Larry Hobson: You’re being a Stiffly Stifferson, Zack..
Zack Ricky: No! No, no, no, no, no! I’m not being one..
Larry Hobson: Good. Because I hate Stiffly Stiffersons. I wanna prank them for hours.. in my basement.
Zack Ricky: Well, then.. obviously.. this has been a particularly sad episode of “Pranksters”..
[ cue descending trombone sound effect ]
Zack Ricky: [ more annoyed ] Ted, you and I are gonna have to have a conversation, alright?! [ glumly, to the camera ] So.. we’ll see you next week.. on “Pranskters”.
Raft Voter…..Will Forte Mr. Tyus…..Christopher Walken Liam Cook…..Fred Armisen Gary the Passenger…..Seth Meyers
[Open on a videotaped shot of the ocean with the super: Somewhere In The Atlantic at the bottom. Fade in on four men sitting miserably in an orange life raft. One of the men, The Raft Voter, stands up]
Raft Voter: Well, gentlemen, dawn is upon us, and it looks like we’re all here. Last night, we decided we needed to elect a raft captain, and all three of you threw your hats into the ring. As the sole voter, I asked you to prepare some speeches. Mr. Tyus, you’re first.
Mr. Tyus: [ stands up ] Good morning, it’s good to be here. I suppose I should start by addressing what’s.. surely on all your minds: my record as a captain. I realize you probably know me best as the captain who sunk our ship.. and brought about this regrettable situation. I can see now that it was foolish.. to take a shortcut.. through.. Iceberg Alley when it was only going to shave 10.. 15 minutes off our three-week trip. I can also admit that it was a mistake to use all the flares from this lifeboat.. to light my farts. I was trying to improve.. raft morale, but only succeeded in causing some.. [flubs saying pretty serious] prettious serious.. burn scars. Also, in regards to the past two nights, I’d like to apologize for the gay stuff.
Raft Voter: Alright. A lot of very compelling points. Thank you for that honesty. Our next candidate for Raft Captain is our cook, Leo.
Cook: Hello. Thank you. You all know that I’ve been saying for days that we should fashion some sort of sail out of our clothes.
Mr. Tyus: Oh, come on! Get this joker outta here!
Raft Voter: I’m sorry, Mr. Tias, your-
Mr. Tyus: The cook doesn’t know what he’s talking about – he’s a cook!
Raft Voter: I-I’m sorry.. Mr. Tias, please..
Mr. Tyus: [ nastily ] Fine!
Raft Voter: Okay. Continue, Leo.
Cook: Well.. you don’t need to be a cook to know that our food situation is dire. We need to ration our food! There has been no reason to throw our food in the water as bait, when we have no means to catch the fish.
Mr. Tyus: We all know that now! It’s easy to say that now!
Cook: [ sighs ] Vote for me, and I promise to make a concerted effort to-
Mr. Tyus: [sarcastically] L-likely story! That’s crap! Boo!
Cook: I didn’t even say anything!
Mr. Tyus: Look! If I could jump in here.. I know everyone’s still upset that, on my lookout shift, I didn’t try to flag down that Carnival cruise line. But.. I swear, from a distance, I could have sworn it was a pirate ship! They were playing music.. having a good time.. you know, “pirate” stuff!
Passenger: We’re all pretty familiar with pirate stu —
Mr. Tyus: Hey! It’s not your turn! Who’s running this.. thing?
Raft Voter: I am. And, actually, it is his turn.
Passenger: Great. Look, I’ll be brief. I think we can all agree that we have a problem on this raft. A problem that slathers on sunblock as if it’s in limitless supply! A problem that sings songs [Mr. Tyus rubs an oar past the Passengers chest as he talks. The Passenger shoves it away from him] without knowing any of the lyrics. A problem that urinates and defecates in the boat, as opposed to into the water! [ swats away at the oar Mr. Tyus is purposely rubbing past his chest again ] STOP IT!!
Mr. Tyus: [ innocently ] What?!! I’m paddling!
Cook: It’s not even touching the water!
Mr. Tyus: Oh! I know what this is all about. Fine! I’m sorry I threw the.. the oar at that bird! It seemed so close! [stands up and swings the oar around] These.. birds.. are like.. flying optical illusions! Oh, cripes! There’s a bird! [ throws the oar into the water ] Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: [to Cook] There goes our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: Look at that.. not even close.
Passenger: Yeah, that was our last oar.
Mr. Tyus: [ a beat, alarmed ] There’s no stopping the BIRD ATTACKS now!!
Passenger: [ stands up, says quickly ] In closing, I would just like to say that I don’t think this guy should be Captain any more!
Mr. Tyus: You know.. this is hardly fair! Gary’s biased! He’s had it in for me since the minute I tried to eat ‘im! You’ve got a long memory, my friend!
Cook: That was two days ago.
Mr. Tyus: No hard feelings on this end, pal! That’s what happens on a cocaine high! But.. I’m outta cocaine, people. That’s not gonna be a problem any more!
Raft Voter: Duly noted.
Mr. Tyus: And, again.. if this is about the recent gay stuff.. I’m working on that!
Raft Voter: Okay. If you’re done, Mr. Tias, it’s time to vote.
Mr. Tyus: You know.. I got one last thing I’d like to say: I’m worried.. that you don’t know how much I.. want this. Sure, I made mistakes.. but I go for it! I really go for it! And, if I don’t get this.. I’m gonna go crazy!!Really berserk!!
Passenger: So, just to clarify, you haven’t gone crazy yet.
Mr. Tyus: [ outraged ] What’d you say.. lunch?!
[ Passenger tries to escape by going overboard, but Mr. Tyus lunges for him and bites his back ]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Christina Aguilera…..Maya Rudolph …..Steve Martin …..Will Ferrell …..Britney Spears
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.
Well, this week the mind-blowing conclusion of “Joe Millionaire” that Fox promised turned out to be nothing more than a monetary prize. This was not nearly as exciting as the rumoured surprised twist that Evan Marriott is really a shaved ape.
NBC will launch a new reality series this Spring called “Who Wants To Marry My Mom?” Not to be outdone, Fox has announced plans for a new show called “Vagina Auction.”
Tina Fey: Well, the awesome, super effective office of Homeland Security unveiled a major, new advertising campaign this week designed to help the public prepare for possible terror attacks. Now we have a couple of the print ads here, so let’s take a look at them in advance.
Now this first one is just a general statement to be placed on billboards. (Holds up a picture of the devil with the warning: DON’T RELAX) That’s just to help everybody out on what you should do. This next one I think is for New York City subways. (A sign saying DO YOU SMELL SOMETHING WEIRD?) Do you smell something weird? You better hope its pee!! This next one is to tell people of places they might want to avoid. For example (A sign of Osama Bin Laden walking around the city), avoid the outdoors, there’s bad guys everywhere. Also, avoid the indoors (a picture of a family with Osama Bin Laden looking in though the window), see a nice family with Osama Bin Laden looking through the window. This one is going up in elementary school (a picture of a skull that says, WE’RE GONNA GET YOU) to help the kids to deal with what’s going on. And finally this last one tells you exactly what to do at each level of terror alert (picture of a man screaming that says, AAAGH, AAAGH!!) So thank you office of homeland security. They’re working over time to help you crap your pants. Back to you Jimmy!!
A group of wealthy democratic donors are trying to start a liberal radio network which would feature 14 hours of daily commentary. The only question that remains is, can Phil Donahue talk for 14 consecutive hours? Yes, yes he can.
Tina Fey: This Sunday, CBS will air the 45th Annual Grammy Awards held right here in New York City. Here with her thoughts is former Grammy winner, Christina Aguilera.
Christina Aguilera: Hey Jimmy, hi Tina. Wassup, how you feeling?
Tina Fey: We feel great. Now what about you? Your album didn’t come out in time to be nominated so how does that make you feel?
Christina Aguilera: Oh, you know its just, (laughs) I don’t know I feel like [ sining ] “Noooooooooo, oh oh oh no..”
Tina Fey: So is that good or bad?
Christina Aguilera: Come on Tina boo. You know how we do. Its just like my momma used to say to me, she’d be all like: “Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, oh, oh, oh, oh ”
Tina Fey: I don’t know what that means.
Christina Aguilera: Tina girl, I’m an artist. You know? It’s like whatever you know, I’m like nobody’s puppet or muppet, and you know as far as the Grammy’s go I just feel like: “Maoooooooooooohhhhhh.. ahhhhh, ah , ah ah ”
Jimmy Fallon: Hang on Tina I think I understood that. She’s saying she is going to watch the awards this year
( Christina begins singing as Jimmy translates)
Jimmy Fallon: From her house
(Christina continues singing)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Under a pile of Orlando Magic basketball players
(Christina continues to sing, reaching higher notes than before)
Jimmy Fallon: She also says that she heard all the jokes you’ve been telling about her
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: You’d better watch your back
(Singing continues)
Jimmy Fallon: Biotch!!
Tina Fey: Christina Aguilera everybody!!
Well according to friends of Billy Joel, the piano man’s new 25 year old girlfriend bears a striking resemblance to his daughter Alexis. If Freud were alive today and was asked to comment on this, I’m sure he’d say, I’m the father of modern psycho-analysis miraculously brought back to life in the 21st Century, and your asking me about Billy Joel’s girlfriend?
According to new agricultural guidelines, farmers in Colorado will now be allowed to grow genetically modified corn. Genetically modified corn is the same as regular corn except that when you bite into it, it screams.
(Steve Martin walks into the screen)
Tina Fey: Hi Steve. What are you doing here?
Steve Martin: I’m doing a cameo.
Tina Fey: Oh, ok. Just doing a cameo huh?
Steve Martin: Yeah, I was just at home in bed, and I thought, “I’d like to do a cameo.”
Jimmy Fallon (quietly) So, what’s he doing?
Tina Fey: (quietly) He say’s he’s doing a cameo.
Jimmy Fallon: Steve, do you wanna tell a joke or something?
Steve Martin: Oh, no. Just doing a cameo. And I think its going well.
Tina Fey: Uh, how long is your cameo?
Steve Martin: Just regular cameo length. Just a few more seconds and there we go.
Tina Fey: Oh, alright. Well, great work, that was a really great cameo.
Steve Martin: You think? (Gives thumbs up, and then leaves)
Tina Fey: Steve Martin everybody.
Mike Tyson surprised sports fans this week, with a new tattoo on his face. But before you judge Mike Tyson’s new tattoo, wait until its finished so you can see the entire rape scene.
Next week is the eating disorders awareness week – fatsos!
The Dallas Cowboys’ Cheerleaders announced this week that they will be holding tryouts across the country to find new stars for their squad. Hmm lets see (pulls out a notepad, begins writing) I’ll need dancing lessons, yes, yes $4000 for a boob job, and some duct tape to hide my penis yes, yes Tina Fey, this plan might work
Tina Fey: In other news, rumours are circulating in England of a possible Spice Girls reunion (gets cut off by Jimmy)
Jimmy Fallon: Oh wow!! Thank god, I can finally end my hunger strike. (Jimmy pulls out a huge burger and begins to eat it)
Tina Fey: Eat it!! All of it (Jimmy continues to eat, then stops to laugh) Eat it all!! (Jimmy begins eating again) That’s like 8 hours old, by the way. Alright now a good friend of ours here at SNL (to Jimmy) are you alright?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah
Tina Fey: (back on track) A good friend of ours here at SNL left the show last year and none of us has seen him since. There has been an air of mystery of what he’s been up to, here to talk about it, is our own, beloved Will Ferrell!!
Will Ferrell: Hi Tina, hi Jimmy!! Ah, sorry I haven’t kept in touch the truth of the matter is, I quit the biz.
Tina Fey: You quit show business??
Will Ferrell: That’s right Tina, I quit. Got myself a little place up in little Sonoma . Not too big. I do some farming, raise some organic chickens, make my payments, and hang out with my special lady.
Tina Fey: well, that sounds pretty nice actually.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, it was my girlfriend’s idea. I guess she was tired of show business too, and suggested you know what? What am I doing? I should let her tell the story. Ah, Britney, you wanna My new lady Britney Spears everybody!! (Britney comes and sits next to Will) Oops oops oops, I did it again. I fell in love with Miss Britney Spears!
Britney Spears: Will, your embarrassing me.
Will Ferrell: I’m sorry, I’m sorry I guess love makes me do crazy things.
Jimmy Fallon: So its not Colin Farrell, its Will Ferrell?
Britney Spears: I think we’re a little past the dating, Jimmy.
Will Ferrell: Yes, I little past dating. (laughs)
Britney Spears: Yes, yes.
Tina Fey: Now Britney, there’s been a lot of crazy rumours about you in the tabloids lately. I read yesterday that your running a Columbian drug car tail, or what are you doing
Britney Spears: I mean, these tabloids are ridiculous really. They follow you around, they take your picture, they rat on every move you make. You know what its like, Tina
Tina Fey: No, no I don’t know
Will Ferrell: Listen to me paparazzi! You stay away from my Britney!!
Britney Spears: Now, come on you guys, you can’t believe these tabloids. The truth is, I’m living on a farm in Northern California with Will, Will Ferrell here, and I love him so much, he’s so funny yes, so funny. Oh, yesterday we were in the barn, and
Will Ferrell: Oh yes, you’ve gotta listen. This is great, tell it, tell it!!
Britney Spears: Okay, and our cows walking right? Now this poor cow, he’s so sick, I mean, me and Will, we know nothing about farming.
Will Ferrell: Yeah, we’re horrible farmers. All our animals are sick. All of them
Britney Spears: Yeah, all of them. So I say, ‘ maybe we should try and milk her’ right? So Will says, ‘maybe I should try and milk you.’
(Britney and Will both start giggling)
Will Ferrell: Yeah, I did!! I said that!! I can be pretty crazy
Jimmy Fallon: Will, Will!! I thought you were married
Will Ferrell: Jimmy, look who it is!! It’s Britney Spears!!
Britney Spears: Jimmy, if only you could know how much I love this man, like
Will Ferrell: I’m gonna cry!!
Britney Spears: Don’t cry!!
Will Ferrell: I am gonna cry!! (Britney continually tells him not to cry, and he keeps telling her he’s going to cry)
Tina Fey: Gross!! I mean, great!! Will Ferrell and Britney Spears everyone!!
Will Ferrell: Buy our dairy foods!!
Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.
(Jimmy is about the throw the pencil, but a karate man comes breaks it in half with his hand)
106 & Park Top 10 Live Baby K (Jeff Richards) and manager/nanny (Latifah) demonstrate new rap. Recurring Characters: Baby K.
Live! with Regis & Kelly Frenchie Davis (Latifah) joshes with Regis (Darrell Hammond) & Kelly (Amy Poehler). Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman.
Who Farted? Contestants confined to cramped room seek the answer.
Where Are They Now? The Cherylettes (Latifah, Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler) are remembered.
I’m A Celebrity: Who Farted? Celebrities confined in cramped room seek the answer. Recurring Characters: Gary Busey, Gilbert Gottfried, Paula Poundstone.
Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey Khalid Shaikh Mohammed (Horatio Sanz) doesn’t like his news photo. Dustin Hoffman (Jeff Richards) says New York hosts Weekend Update. Trevor the Broadway Guy (Chris Parnell) is sad about show closures.
Ms. Dynamite performs “Dy-na-mi-tee”
Give Up The Ham Drunken writer’s sketch may or may not have intended world peace analogy.
TV Funhouse The X-Presidents cast new pro-war propaganda film.
Profiles In Jazz Alberta Jones (Latifah) sang outwardly-obvious suggestive lyrics. Recurring Characters: Jack Perkins, Louis Armstrong.
Walgreens Friendly service of family-owned store is not the blessing intended.
Mr. Rogers Tribute Horatio Sanz sings “You Are My Friend” in remembrance.
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