Spokesman: Are you like most people? Do you long for a German Shephard taht can tell time? Well, help is here!
[ trumpet fanfare ]
Introducting Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! The only watch that nurses its young, and the only dog you can wear underwater! It’s simple: [ demonstrates by pulling each individual ear ] ..pull the dog’s left ear, it tells you the date. Pull the watch’s right ear, it tells you the time. And.. pull the watch’s tail, and it figures out your age in dog years.
It’s durable, too. We took one of these digital watchdogs, and strapped it to the rotor of a speedboat, traveling from New York Harbor to Chesapeake Bay at the speed of 45 knots. And, after 17 hours.. it’s still ticking! Stay!
Fido-Flex! The Digital Watchdog! For the man of the house.. or..
Model: Lady Fido-Flex, for the woman.
Spokesman: The Fido-Flex! The watch that guards itself.
[At home base, Steve Martin faces the camera — butthe cast members standing with him face the oppositeway, their backs to the audience.]
Steve Martin: Hey, we had a good time tonight! [leadsaudience into applause, which drowns out some of hisparting comments – the cast waves and bows in thewrong direction as the SNL Band plays the closingtheme – pull back to reveal the cast waving to homebase with the audience behind them] Thanks a lot! Nextweek, it’s Buck Henry and a band. Oh! THE Band.Take a bow, everybody! I’d like to thank everyone.We had a wonderful time.
[Cut to another view of the cast (plus writer MichaelO’Donoghue) waving in the wrong direction – eventuallythey turn to face the audience – As the credits roll,announcer Don Pardo has a few final words:]
Don Pardo V/O: Next Saturday night, our host will beBuck Henry with his musical guest, The Band. While wehave time, try saying my name ten times real fast,okay? Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, Don Pardo, DonPardo! Very good! This is Ron Darpo saying good night.
[Just before the goodnights end, fellow writer AlanZweibel walks over to O’Donoghue, grabs his arm andclimbs up onto home base to join the cast.]
Art F-114…..Steve Martin Danny M-125…..Dan Aykroyd Laraine A-270…..Laraine Newman Lee P-413…..Chevy Chase
Announcer: Don’t walk away from your telescreen, because it’s time for the new “Jeopardy 1999”! Now, here’s your host: Art F-114.
Art F-114: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you, Don Pardo! Well, there’s exciting and valuable prizes to be won. Don, will you tell the folks at home who the contestants are?
Announcer: Art, our returning champion is a shredding machine operator from the Ministry of Information, in Sector 427. Welcome back Danny M-125.
Art F-114: Danny, you’ve won over $3 million – what are you going to do with that money?
Danny M-125: Well, they discovered the, uh.. the cure for the disease my mother was dying from.. and I’m going to use the moeny to have her defrosted.
Art F-114: Great, how old will she be?
Danny M-125: 37.
Art F-114: Well, good luck to you! Who’s our next contestant, Don Pardo?
Announcer: She’s a security monitor for the Osaki Kelp Works, a cheerleader for the Rocket Tennis Team, and she enjoys sex. Welcome Laraine A-270.
Art F-114: A-270, huh?
Laraine A-270: That’s right.
Art F-114: That’s funny – you don’t look like an Alpha! [ laughs ] You know.. we always enjoy having test tube babies on our show. Tell us, are you having those headaches we hear so much about?
Laraine A-270: No.. but sometimes my words say in reverse.
Art F-114: Hmm.. Well, good luck to you. Don Pardo, our last contestant?
Announcer: Art, it’s a lobotomist for the Ministry of Love, in Sector 753. Let’s welcome Lee P-413.
Art F-114: Do you have any hobbies, Lee?
Lee P-413: I collect antique sexual devices, Art.
Art F-114: Well, maybe you and Laraine can get together after the show for some sex.
Laraine A-270: Yes.. sounds great.. I’d enjoy it.
Lee P-413: We can do that. That would be great.
Art F-114: Okay! And now, it’s time to play “Jeopardy 1999”! The categories are: “Medicine”.. “Movies”.. “TV”.. “U.S. History”.. “Mutant Viruses”.. and “Nuclear Accidents”. Danny, you’re the champion, so you begin!
Danny M-125: Uh.. U.S. History for $10,000.
Art F-114: Okay! “First President to accidentally kill himself in office.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Yes. Laraine?
Laraine A-270: “Who was Gerald Ford?”
Art F-114: I’m sorry, that’s wrong. Remember, it says here: “In office”. [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who was Walter Mondale?”
Art F-114: That’s right! Go ahead, Lee!
Lee P-413: Uh.. Movies for $10,000.
Art F-114: Movies for $10,000: “Major film studio that will change name next year.” [ Laraine A-270 buzzes in ] Laraine?
Laraine A-270: “What is 20th Century Fox?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Go ahead.
Laraine A-270: Okay, Movies for $20,000.
Art F-114: Movies for 20,000: “Original Tidy Bowl man in TV ads, won 8 Oscars.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “Who was Fred Miltonburg?”
Art F-114: That’s right, that’s right.. Keep on going!
Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $10,000.
Art F-114: Medicine for $10,000: “Legalized in 1983, it eased overpopulation.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “What is.. baby-killing?”
Art F-114: That’s right, Danny! Okay, go, Danny.
Danny M-125: Uh.. Medicine for $20,000.
Art F-114: Medicine for $20: “First man cloned.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “Who is Fran Tarkenton?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Back to you, Lee.
Lee P-413: I’ll go to Nuclear Accidents, uh.. for $10,000, please.
Art F-114: Nuclear Accidents for $10,000: “In 1981, became first terrorist group to ransom city with plutonium.” [ Danny M-125 buzzes in ] Danny?
Danny M-125: “Who are the Young Republicans?”
Art F-114: That’s right. Go, Danny.
Danny M-125: Uh.. TV for $10,000.
Art F-114: TV for $10,000: “Longest running show on TV.” [ Lee P-413 buzzes in ] Lee?
Lee P-413: Uh.. “What is ‘Baa Baa Black Sheep’?”
Art F-114: That’s right! Alrigh,t Lee, we’re running out of time..
Lee P-413: Okay, uh.. TV for $50,000, please.
Art F-114: TV for $50,000: “Comedian whose career fizzled after leaving ‘NBC’s Saturday Night’.” [ no one buzzes in ] I’m sorry, you took too long. The correct answer is: “Who was Chevy Chase?” Chevy Chase. [ bell rings ] Ah.. there’s the bell telling us it’s time for Final Jeopardy. Now, the Final Jeopardy category is.. “Assassinations”. Now, remember, contestants.. you can wager all or part of your earnings. Lee, you have $10,000; Laraine, $30,000; and, Danny, you have $30,000. Okay, contestants, place your wager. And, while they do, Don Pardo, tell them what they’ll win!
Announcer: Art, all our contestants will receive the Benjamin Pocket-Sized Isolation Tube; privacy is only seconds away with Benjamin. And, for our male contestants, a case of Big Brother Aftershave; women love a man who smells like Big Brother. And, for the lady, the Embryo Accelerator; electromagentic treatments so your child will develop from embryo to adult in 18 weeks: avoid childhood traumas, save time and money; another fine product from the people at ChromoCom. And, what home would be complete without the amazing Laser-Matic; slices, dices and chops, everything from tomatoes to diamonds. And our ocntestants will ease their troubled minds with the new Dial-A-Blank electro-shock kit; forget anything you want with the twist of a dial – so effective, you won’t remember you own own; Dial-A-Blank, from Leisure-tronics. And, our contestants will be taking home.. Mr. Whacky! Rhesus Monkey Pleasure Kit, for the young scientist in the family – monkeys not included, Art.
Art F-114: Thank you, Don Pardo! And, here now, is our Final Jeopardy answer: “He assassinated President Kennedy.” Go!
[ Final Jeopardy music plays, as contestants write down their answers ]
Art F-114: Kennedy. He was President about thirty years ago, wasn’t he? Perhaps you’ve seen something about him on your home entertainment system.. maybe one of you will just get lucky. Well, let’s hope so..
[ Final Jeopardy theme completes ]
Art F-114: Okay, put those pens down! Lee, what’s your answer? “J. Edgar Hoover”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong on that – you wagered.. “$10,000”.. that leaves you with nada! Ha ha! Okay, Laraine, your answer is: “Fidel Castro”. No, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. You wagered $15,000 – that leaves you with $15,000. Danny? “Who was Frank Sinatra, Jr.?” That’s a good guess, but, no, I’m sorry, you’re wrong. Let’s see, you wagered.. $10,000 – that leaves you with $20,000! You’re still champion! That’s it for us! The person who killed Kennedy was.. “Lee Harvey Oswald”! That’s “Lee Harvey Oswald”! We’ll see you next week on “Jeopardy 1999”! so long!
Mary Richards…..Laraine Newman Murray Slaughter…..Dan Aykroyd Ted Baxter…..Steve Martin Rhoda Morgenstern…..Gilda Radner Sue Ellen Niven…..Jane Curtin Lou Grant…..John Belushi
[ open on interior, WJM Newsroom, Mary Richards sitting in front of her typewriter with her head hanging down and a smile on her face. Slow pan right until Murray Slaughter and Ted Baxter enter the room. ]
Murray Slaughter: I know, I know, I know —
Ted Baxter: You know, Murr – it’s really tough out there! [ removes his jacket, hangs it up ] I’ll tell you, Murr – you know, the hardest part of doing the news is, I can’t bend own during it. And sometimes, it’s the only thing on my mind. I’ll be out there doing the show, and I’ll be thinking: “I can’t bend down!” [ a beat ] Hi, Mar! [ glances at the page in her typewriter ] Hey, Mare, you don’t spell “Minnesota” with three 5’s and four 7’s. [ chuckles ] That’s how you spell “Peter.”
Murray Slaughter: Mary? Are you alright? Mary, Mary, what’s wrong?
Ted Baxter: Oh, she’s probably just depressed because she had to wear the same outfit twice in one year!
Murray Slaughter: [ touches Mary’s shoulder ] I don’t think Mary’s depressed, Ted. I think she’s dead!
Ted Baxter: Come on, Murray, she can’t be dead – she’s busy. Dead people are never busy.
Murray Slaughter: Oh, God, Ted! How could this have happened?
Ted Baxter: [ nervous laughter ] I don’t know, Murray. I mean, she was fine this morning when I put that Drano in her coffee for a joke!
Murray Slaughter: Drano?! You put Drano in her coffee?!
Ted Baxter: Well, she was hoarse, and I thought it’d help clean out her pipes! [ chuckles ] Get it?
Murray Slaughter: That stuff’s poison! Don’t you read the label!
Ted Baxter: Yeah, but it got boring.
Murray Slaughter: Mary’s dead, you killed her! Why couldn’t it have been the other way around?
Ted Baxter: Murr, buck up! We’ll all laugh about this later.
Murray Slaughter: Maybe you’ll laugh. But wait’ll Mr. Grant hears about this!
Ted Baxter: Mr. Grant? Well, how’s he gonna hear?
Murray Slaughter: By you telling him!
Ted Baxter: [ nervous, hyperventilating ] But, Murr! I can’t tell him! I could lose my job!
Ted Baxter: Well.. for God’s sake, Murray! [ grabs Murray by the collar ] Let’s look up her skirt!
[ Rhoda enters, but doesn’t notice Mary right away ]
Rhoda: Hi, guys! I just flew in from New York!
Ted Baxter: [ panicky ] Rhoda, I can explain everything, uh.. I was trying to commit suicide, and I forgot who I was!
Rhoda: Ted, did anyone ever tell you, with a few minor changes, you could be a lamp? [ now notices that Mary is slumped over ] What’s with Mar?
Murray Slaughter: He killed her!
Rhoda: Oh, no.. Hey, Mar, don’t let it get to you. Think of it this way – death is just God’s way of asking you out!
[ Sue Ellen enters, holding a trayful of tarts ]
Rhoda: Hi, hi! Anybody want to munch on one of my tarts?
Murray Slaughter: I don’t think any of us in a munching mood, Sue Ann! Ted killed Mary!
Sue Ann: Is she dead? Are you sure?
Murray Slaughter: She has no pulse!
Sue Ann: Mary Richards has no pulse. I thought she was the girl who had everything.
Rhoda: Well, how did it happen, anyway?
Murray Slaughter: Ted put Drano in her coffee!
Sue Ann: Drano! Ted, didn’t you know that a little ammonia and water would have done the same job in half the time?
Rhoda: Well, look, I’m leaving. I have better things to do than to sit here and watch my dead friend decompose.
Sue Ann: Ohh, stay and help me plan the funeral. Come on, it’ll be fun!
Ted Baxter: [ enthusiastic ] Yeah!
Murray Slaughter: That’s none of your concern now, Ted! Your concern is telling Mr. Grant!
[ Lou Grant enters from his office ]
Murray Slaughter: And here’s your chance! [ he pushes the nervous Ted forward to Mr. Grant ] Here’s your chance, Ted. Come on, Ted. Come on.
[ Mr. Grant looks at Ted suspiciously ]
Ted Baxter: Hey, Lou! Look how long Mary can hold her breath without stopping!
Murray Slaughter: Ted!
Lou Grant: Alright, what’s going on? What’s this about Mary?
Ted Baxter: I’ll give you a hint. [ pulls his tie up, miming hanging himself ]
Murray Slaughter: Ted – Ted killed her! There was this Drano and this coffee. [ Mr. Grant steps up to Mary’s lifeless body ] Sue Ann and Rhoda are planning the funeral right now!
Sue Ann: Oh, it’ll be a lovely funeral. The theme is: Mary Richards – Heaven Or Hell?
Lou Grant: I don’t want to hear about it now, Sue Ann. [ tugs Mary’s head up, then drops it back onto the typewriter ] Let’s have a moment of silence for Mary.
[ everyone is silent for a few beats, until Ted begins to crack up ]
Ted Baxter: I can’t help it! “Clean out her pipes!” What a great joke!
Lou Grant: Ted!
[ Ted attempts to stifle his laughter ]
Lou Grant: Okay. Now, we have to keep our heads. Mary is dead, but we got a news show to put on, alright? Murray, you write the story. Uh, Ted, you confeess on the air.
Ted Baxter: But everyone will hear me.
Lou Grant: That’s the idea. This is the biggest news story to hit this town in a decade, and we’re gonna break it! We got a killer, we got a motive – by the way, what was the motive?
Ted Baxter: Humor. [ a beat ] Oh, Lou! Don’t make me confess on the air! They’ll send me to jail! I don’t want to go to jail! I look terrible in stripes and big numbers!
Lou Grant: Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you killed somebody.
Ted Baxter: Lou! I won’t say it! I won’t say it! I’ll lose half my following!
Lou Grant: Ted! You’ll say it, and you’ll like it!
Ted Baxter: [ begins to whimper like a baby ] Please don’t make me do it! Please don’t make me confess in my own time slot!
Lou Grant: Ted. You will confess here. Or would you rather confess in some dingy little courtroom in a municipal hall, where you won’t have any chance to win the award for Best Reporter, huh? And they won’t let you wear your blazer.
Ted Baxter: My blazer? [ intrigued ] Well, okay.
[ finished writing the story, Murray hands the sheet to Ted ]
Murray Slaughter: Here it is, Ted. Just remember to smile.
[ Ted takes the news copy, and slowly retreats into the On-Air room. Everyone crowds around the TV on the writing desk to watch Ted’s performance ]
Announcer: And now, the WJM Six O’Clock news, with Ted Baxter.
Ted Baxter: The top story tonight – in a case of involuntary man’s laughter.. Man’s laughter. [ clears throat ] Our associate producer, Mary Richards, was killed by.. [ stops, looks at his copy ] Can anyone make out this name? Hmm. [ shaking ] Killed by.. [ smiles, adjusts his tie ] The basically wonderful.. person named.. [ finally realizing an out ] Lou Grant!
Lou Grant: [ watching from the news room, Mr. Grant and the others are disgusted ]
Ted Baxter V/O: Yes! Lou Grant killed Mary Richards, in a ruthless, brutal assault —
[ Mr. Grants turns the TV off ]
Lou Grant: Murray. Get the Drano.
[ Lou and Murray retreat to the On-Air room, as we zoom out ]
[ SUPER: “Coming up Next… Something For Everyone – Except You.” ]
Narrator … Dan Aykroyd Violet Elmweather … Jane Curtin Dr. Cone … Steve Martin Hector … Michael O’Donoghue Ernie … Alan Zweibel Blog … John Belushi Midge … Laraine Newman
[Doctor’s office. Dr. Cone sits at his desk talkingwith patient Violet Elmweather. Behind Dr. Cone is asmall television set with a blue screen.]
Narrator V/O: This is the office of Dr. Paul Cone. Dr.Cone’s research in the field of nutrition anddigestive studies have led him to the perfection of aremarkable weight reduction program. Our subjecttonight on … [dramatic music] Mysteries in Medicine![SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE] Professional dietclinics: Right or Rip-Off?
Violet Elmweather: I – I’ve almost given up hope. I -I– If only I could lose five pounds, I’d be happy.I’ve tried every diet program there is. The Nine DayPaper and Water Diet, the Lovecrest Nylon Diet. I evengained ten pounds last week eating nothing but driedcamel hearts.
Dr. Cone: Okay, Mrs. Elmweather, it’s simple. Um, noneof these conventional diets work for you. You want tolose weight, you have to find the right diet. I’mgoing to put you on an extreme weight reductionprogram. The Unizoid Wonder Diet with Blog treatments.
Violet Elmweather: What are Blog treatments?
Dr. Cone: Blog treatments are part of the most rigiddiet schedule in medical history. It’s a three yearprogram.
Violet Elmweather: When can I start?
Dr. Cone: Are you ready to travel?
Violet Elmweather: Travel? I didn’t–
Dr. Cone: [into an intercom] Hector! Ernie! [Hectorand Ernie, wearing airline pilot uniforms, enter] BlogDiet, Phase One.
Hector: Right.
[Hector grabs Violet, covers her mouth and hauls herout of her chair. Ernie moves the chair out of the wayand opens a door at stage right.]
Dr. Cone: [to the camera] Commitment, trust anddiscipline. These are the keynotes to dropping thosepounds.
[Hector and Ernie exit with Violet. Dissolve to stockfootage of airplanes in wintry settings. Eerie musicin. SUPER: SIMULATED AIRPLANE VOYAGE – Cut to footageof three figures on a dog sled crossing a frozentundra. SUPER: SIMULATED DOG SLED TREK – Cut to a mapof Canada and the Arctic with animated arrows headingnorthward. Dissolve to the interior of an ice fishinghut — it’s a wooden hut built right on the ice –there’s a small hole in the ice floor through whichone may fish. SUPER: AN ICE-FISHING HUT. The dooropens, snow blows in, and Hector carries Violet intothe hut and sets her on a barrel.]
Hector: The Blog treatments will commence shortly.
[Hector exits immediately and we see that the snow isbeing blown into the hut by a fan just outside thedoor.]
Violet Elmweather: Thank you. This is not really whatI asked for–
[An Eskimo, wearing goggles and hooded parka, enters,grunting loudly.]
Blog: Hey! Me Blog! You fish! [hands Violet a spear]You catch! You eat! Me Blog! Catch! Haaaaaa! [exits]
Violet Elmweather: This isn’t really what I – Iexpected. I didn’t think–
[Midge — a thin, friendly American woman carrying abag — enters and sits on a stool.]
Midge: Hi! Are you dieting?
Violet Elmweather: Yes. My name is Violet.
Midge: [shakes hands] Oh, I’m Midge. I’ve been herefor two years now. I used to weigh one-eighty. I wasrotund. Now I weigh fifty. I wanna weigh ten. [takesmeat from bag and offers some to Violet] Here, havesome raw seal meat, Violet.
Violet Elmweather: Oh, no thanks–
[Abruptly, Blog enters and sees the meat.]
Blog: Ooohhhh! Food! Blog eat now! Blog eat! [takesmeat away from Midge and, eating it, quickly exits]
Violet Elmweather: What do we eat on this diet?
Midge: Oh, whatever we manage to catch and hide fromBlog.
Violet Elmweather: So what do you do on weekends?
Midge: Oh, well, uh, I diet. And I repack signalflares. [points to the hole in the ice] Look! A char!
Violet Elmweather: A what?
Midge: [rises, excited] An Arctic char! It’s a fishand it tastes great!
Violet Elmweather: Well, I’ll just catch that char andeat it now–
Midge: Oh, no, no, no! I saw that char first. That’smy char.
Violet Elmweather: Uh, that’s my char. Sorry, Ihaven’t eaten in two days.
Midge: No, dear, I haven’t eaten in two years!
Violet Elmweather: Well, I’m sorry, that’s my char!
[The two women fight, kicking and screaming on the icefloor. Dissolve to the TV set in Dr. Cone’s office.The two women are visible on the blue screen,fighting. We pull back to reveal Dr. Cone watching theTV. He turns to address the camera.]
Dr. Cone: This is Phase Two of the diet. The charfight. The subjects release tension and try to figureout new ways of hiding the food they catch from Blog.
[Pull back more to reveal Blog, carrying a pen andclipboard.]
Blog: Of course, Blog knows immediately when thedieters have procured food because he’s alwayswatching them, uh, via closed-circuit cameras. [liftshis hood and goggles, puts a pipe in his mouth andlights it]
Dr. Cone: [to the camera] This is Dr. Mike Blog, ourtop researcher — Blog Diet, Chief of Diet Research, abrilliant digestive scientist.
Blog: [to Dr. Cone] Thank you very much. [looks at TV]Oh, excuse me. I think they’re fighting over the char.I’ll have to take it away from ’em. [sets down pen andclipboard]
Dr. Cone: Okay, Mike.
Blog: Take care.
[Blog exits. Dr. Cone smiles into the camera. Dissolveto the hut where the women hear Blog approaching. Theystop, rise and move to a wall where they try to hidethe food. Blog, wearing goggles and hood, entersbrusquely.]
Blog: Aaaaah! Ooooh! Char?
Midge: No char, Blog! No char!
[But Blog takes the char away from them, drops to hisknees and starts to eat it. The women jump on him andtry to take the char back. As they fight, we pull backto a wider view of the set, revealing that the hut isright next to Dr. Cone’s office. Studio lights hangoverhead.]
Narrator V/O: Yes, a diet where food is hunted andhidden from a nutritionist posing as an Eskimo in thesimulated environment of a secluded ice fishing hut.Only one of the many … [dramatic music] Mysteries inMedicine!
[SUPER: MYSTERIES IN MEDICINE – Dissolve to an evenwider view of the set, cameras, lights and microphonesas seen over the heads of the applauding audience inthe balcony.]
[full dissolve to overhead audience shot, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… An Apology For What Came Up Last”]
[Handsome actor Chevy Chase, dressed casually, holds aglass of milk and smiles into the camera. SUPER: CHEVYCHASE Actor]
Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.
Chevy Chase: You know, milk’s got just abouteverything your body needs to start the day off right.Why, one glass contains more Vitamin A and calciumthan a thick sirloin steak. Delicious with almostanything. And milk leaves you with that awful sourbreath and white stuff in the corners of your mouth.
Director: [off screen] Cut! Uh, just tone it down,please, Chevy. Uh, could we try it again?
Chevy Chase: I’m sorry.
[SNL stage manager Joe Dicso enters, holding aclapboard up to the camera.]
Joe Dicso: Take thirty-two. [claps, exits]
Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.
Chevy Chase: You know, my body’s, uh, just about themost important thing to me. And I care about what Iput into it. That’s why I drink fresh, whole milk atleast three times a day. Gives me quick energy, helpsme to look and feel younger and increases the serumcholesterol in men who drink too much of it.
Director: [off screen] Cut!
Joe Dicso: Take thirty-three. [claps, exits]
Don Pardo V/O: Actor Chevy Chase speaks out for milk.
Chevy Chase: You know, a lot of times, I’m out fordinner, uh, my date will order a beer or a liquordrink or something like that or her date or herfriend’s date or something like that, you know, andthey’re all ordering. And then the waiter comes to me,he says, So, uh, what’ll be? You know? And I just sortof smile and pop right up and say, “Milk, please!” Youknow why? Because I know that a single glass ofdelicious, ice cold milk in the summer can give you aquick heart attack if you drink it too fast. That’sright–
Director: [off screen] Cut!
Joe Dicso: Thirty-four. [claps, exits]
Chevy Chase: [sips milk] Mm mm. De-lish! I know afriend who gets these fatty deposits right under here.[pulls at his lower eyelids]
Director: [off screen] Cut it!
Joe Dicso: Thirty-five. [claps, exits]
Chevy Chase: Lot of health food experts think thatmilk is mucus-forming. I don’t know what that meansbut I suppose it’s true. I love milk myself.[gestures, spilling some milk] I’ve always been–
[Dissolve to a graphic that reads: SPEAK OUT FOR MILK]
Don Pardo V/O: Speak out for milk — it’s thedelicious natural drink that’s not filling and ISfattening.
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen, Steve Martin!
[Martin enters, runs down stairs to home base where hestands between his banjo and a stool upon which aresome props. He basks in applause, wearing histrademark white suit with black shoes and rednecktie.]
Steve Martin: [arms in the air] Thank you very much.Thank you, this is too much, thank you, thank you![bows] Okay! Well, I didn’t expect this.[bows] Thank you very much. Okay. We’re havin’ somefun now, eh, folks? Okay, it’s, uh, great to be herein New York. Um, I know that sounds phony ’cause everyentertainer in the world comes out no matter wherethey are and they always go “HEY! IT’S REALLY GREAT TOBE HERE!” And it really sounds fake. But, believe me,I am sincere when I say, “HEY! IT’S REALLYGREAT TO BE HERE!” Okay, no, seriously, it is great tobe here. And, um, well, actually, it’s great to be …here. [steps one pace to his right] Okay, so– No!It’s great to be here! [a few steps to his left] Thisis where it’s great to be. [walks upstage] No! It’sgreat to be here, too! [turns, heads back downstage]Well, I’ll never forget how great it was to be overthere. [back where he started] Okay, we’re movin’ now.[takes a glass of water from stool] ‘Scuse me. [sipswater through straw, puts glass back on stool, spitsout a mouthful of water to his left] All right.
We on? [waves hands in mock protest] Okay, okay, okay,okay. To, uh, open the show, I always like to do onething that IS impossible. [holds up straw from waterglass] So right now I’m going to suck this stool intomy lungs. [bends over stool and tries to suck stoolthrough straw – nothing happens, of course -straightens up, with mock disappointment] Oh, darn.[throws straw away] Okay! Well, here’s something youdon’t often see. [jumps up and down twice, grunting,wild-eyed, while stretching corners of mouth withfingers] Okay, um. You know, a lot of people come tome – they say, Steve, how can you be so damnfunny? Well, uh, I’m kinda gettin’ out of the comedything now, uh, gettin’ more into the music so I’d liketo do a banjo tune for ya right now. Here we go.[picks up banjo, applause] Thank you very much. Thankyou. [straps on banjo, pauses] I don’t deserve it. Allright. Was it free to get in? [audience says “yes”]It’s free? Okay. Get your money’s worth on this. Okay,doesn’t matter if it’s free to get in, whatever, uh,we’re on network, uh, big show. You’re expecting tosee a professional show so let’s not waste any moretime! Here we go with … PROFESSIONAL SHOW BUSINESS!Let’s go, hey! [picks a note or two on banjo, thenimmediately backs away and starts tuning it]
Here we go. [plays a steady rhythmic riff] Hey, thisguy’s good. [sings] “Well, I’m ramblin’, ramblin”round, I’m a ramblin’ guy, I’m ramblin’, oh, yes, oh,yes!” [whistles poorly, shrugs, speaks] Free to getin. [sings] “I’m a ramblin’ guy – R-A-M-B-L-I-Napostrophe, oh yes, I’m ramblin’ — Ramblin’ to NewYork City, N-Y-C! Rent a car, get a hotel, for onlytwo hundred dollars a day. Oh, yes.” [speaks] Okay,everybody! “I’m a ram–” Come on! Sing with me!Come on, have some fun, come on! “Ramblin’ …” Areyou people uptight or somethin’? You can’t singalong–? Oh, I forgot… New York. [applause, keepsplaying] Okay! All right, ladies only! “Oh, look! Aramblin’ guy!” Come on! Okay, this half of the room!Beautiful! Now this half! Good, good! All right, twofifths! Now, three-fifths! Good. Seven-ninths!Two-ninths. All right, in Chinese now! [sings Chinesegibberish, then sings in English:] “Well, I’mramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’,ramblin’, ramblin’, ramblin’! Ram! Mah! BLINNNN!”[suddenly launches into a long, snappy, complex banjoinstrumental, smiles and raises eyebrows at audience,stops, takes a fake arrow-through-the-head prop fromthe stool and puts it on] I like to keep the laughsrolling even while I’m playing. [finishes banjo tunetriumphantly] Heyyyy! [applause]
[sings without banjo] “Oh, I’m a neat guy!” [speaks]Excuse me, excuse me. All right, um, you know, uh, thebanjo’s such a happy instrument, it really is. It’s agood thing for a comedian, like me, and, uh, it’s justa happy thing, you know. [plays a happy melody] Isn’tthat happy? You just can’t sing a depressing song whenyou’re playing the banjo. You can’t go– [grins, playsand sings] “Oh, murder and death and grief andsorrow!” [pauses, holds up his hand] Really, whenyou’re with me, it’s like being at Shakey’s Pizza, youknow? It’s just… [plays “Ain’t She Sweet?”] Hey![keeps playing “Ain’t She Sweet?” but sings “SwaneeRiver”] “Way down upon the Swanee River…” [getsconfused, peers at banjo, stops playing, wavesdismissively]
Okay, I wanna do this, uh, last banjo tune and, uh,we’ll move on with the show. Could I get, like, atight shot, maybe, on the fingers, on this, okay?Dave? Dave Wilson, the director. I’d like to start offwith a tight shot, okay? [no tight shot appears, getsannoyed] I did this thing in dress. I thought we hadit worked out. I’m sorry. [clears throat, getsincreasingly upset] Okay, I’ll do something else then.I can go with it, all right? You know what I’m saying?It’s just, uh, um, you know, you ask for something,you think you’re gonna get it, throws you off, whenyou’re a performer, a professional like I am, and uh,I’m sorry if I look a little angry but, uh, I guess Iam, because, uh, you know, it hurts you. Youknow what I’m saying? It hurts the people who arewatching the show when me, the artist, comes out hereand I can’t get, what, a little cooperation, you knowwhat I mean? I mean, I can’t get a little help fromthe backstage crew? EXCUUUUUUSE MEEEEEEE![applause, still upset] I’m sorry! I’m angry! [playsbanjo tune, suddenly breaks out into a happy grin,apologetic] I’m sorry! We’ll be back after thiscommercial! [tight shot on the fingers playing thebanjo as we fade out]
Don Pardo V/O: Ladies and gentlemen – Kinky Friedman.
Kinky Friedman: “From a fan of yours in Texas Who’s had a little trouble finding love I’m considered quite attractive And I’ve always been quite active, at the club.
But the life I lead’s so lonesome That I wonder, Abbie, if you’ve ever known What it’s like to live in others dreams And never have a dream to call your own.
There’s a divorcee in DallasTheres a girl who’s much too young in Idaho. London Bridge is falling down And the clergyman is out of town And there’s a daughter no one wants in Buffalo.
And I’m wondering ’bout America,Wondering if we lost more than the war. I’m just wondering if there’s any silver lining left Behind the golden door.
And Dear Abbie Abbie I just had to write. Dear Abbie Abbie, is there any love in sight?
Well, the last time that I saw you You were living at the old Chelsea Hotel. Even though it’s been a whileHell, even now it makes me smile To think of how you tennis-shoed the bill.
And it seems like only yesterday You fell off of the see-saw, and you cried And your daddy lit the fireworks In the backyard on the fourth day of July.
And Dear Abbie Abbie, I just had to write Dear Abbie Abbie.. where are you.. tonight?
Narrator … Don Pardo Gregory … Michael O’Donoghue Francesca … Jane Curtin Suki … Gilda Radner Herbie … Dan Aykroyd Guitarist Juan … Chevy Chase Poet Rodney … Steve Martin Blind Negro Jackson … Garrett Morris Comedian Shelley … John Belushi Dancer Isadora … Laraine Newman
[Beat music: piano, bongos, flute, bass. Close-up of aceiling lamp. We pull back and down to reveal atypically dark and smoky beatnik bar of the late 1950sas a superimposed text scrolls by.]
Narrator V/O: [reads the text] In the 1950s, acommon need to rebel against the Establishment drewtogether certain writers, artists, poets and thinkers,distinguished by their unconventional attitudes,behavior and clothing. They were known as … theBeatniks.
[A couple of signs (one in glowing blue neon) indicatethat we are in PLATO’S CAVE. Cigarette smoke rises tothe ceiling. Movie posters adorn the brick walls.Waitress Suki Bird stands beside a huge coffee urnreading a book. Bongo player Herbie Gleason wearsberet and sunglasses as he sits with other oddlydressed jazz musicians (bass, flute, piano) who playon a tiny upraised stage. We catch a glimpse of ablind black guitarist who sits at a table with afinger-snapping Jewish woman, as we pan down to ablack-clad couple seated at a nearby candlelit table.They smoke. Francesca, the more inexperienced one,listens raptly as Gregory, an urbane worldly gentlemanwith dark glasses and beard, finishes telling aonce-famous sick joke about a multiple amputeeboy:]
Gregory: Lord knows the kid can’t playbaseball, right? So, dig it, so, finally, she says tothe kid, “You know he can’t play baseball. Why do youwant him to come out?” The kid says “That’s okay, wejust want to use him for third base!”
[The two laugh.]
Francesca: I love sick humor. It really wigs meout. Like, I dig it when Lenny Bruce says we’re allpuntzes and we don’t know our shvukuses from ourshmups. Or when he says, “Go shtunk mud.”
[Suki the waitress leans in, book in hand, to correcther.]
Suki: That’s “shtup mud” — shtup. What do youtwo want to drink?
[We dissolve over to Herbie, the jazz musician withthe bongos, who acts as Master of Ceremonies,introducing the various artists in a gravelly,dope-inflected voice.]
Herbie: All right, yeah! And now, you chicksand you cats are really gonna dig this dude fromSpain! He’s a flamenco guitarist — and guitar is hissecond ax, man! He bummed around with Jack Kerouac’scousin. Juan Kutner! Yeah, let’s really dig him, he’sa real wigged out guy.
[Applause from the crowd and a musical flourish fromthe band as Juan enters, is handed an acoustic guitar,and sits on a stool. A long pause as the mustachioedJuan, in sunglasses, red neckerchief and open-chestedshirt, puts his ear to the ax and silently tunes it.Sitting in the background, Herbie fills the pause witha string of mellow interjections:]
Herbie: Yeah. Right. Groovy. Awright.
[Juan finally strums a few notes, hits a chord, thenhowls a long, loud, wordless Latin-inflected melisma.Toward the end, he gags a little, then finishes up andstrums another chord. He resumes his howl briefly,ends with a decisive nod of the head, thenfinger-picks the guitar tunelessly as Gregory andFrancesca watch impassively from their table. Gregorylights a cigarillo. Juan struggles to free his fingerswhich get jammed in the strings, mumbles and curses inSpanish, indicates to Herbie that he’s stuck. The jazzband begins to play him off.
Herbie: Yeah, right, hey!
[Applause. Juan shrugs, rises, crosses to Herbie whohelps to pull his fingers free of the strings, thenexits, taking his stool with him. Herbie is alreadyintroducing the next artist:]
Herbie: All right, you know that when Ginsbergwailed with the “Howl,” you dig, “I have seen the bestminds of my generation screaming, hysterical, naked,roaming through the Negro streets at dawn lookin’ foran angry fix.” — you knew he was talkin’ about onecat, man. And that cat was poet Rodney Chernin. Go,Rod, go!
[Applause as gray-goateed, black-clad Rodney Chernin,wearing scarf and beret, rises from a ringside tableinto the spotlight, swaggers to center stage, book inhand, surveys the crowd briefly, consults his book,then begins to read melodramatically:]
Rodney: Oh, Mr. Commuter! Wash me not in your Mad Ave. paint-by-numberssoap, In your Cheez Whiz TV dinner bathtub graveyard. Not for me your drip-dry tuna casserole! [bongo rimshot] Not for me your gray-and-pink poodle FASCISM![bongo] I’d rather roll in my own PUKE! [bongo] Free and proud to smell. This is poetry! It does not NEED to rhyme! Ga ga! Da da! God! Dog! Dog! God!
Herbie: Genius! Ah, genius!
Rodney: Period! Comma, comma! New line: colon! Question mark? Hear the sound! Hear the sound! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo] Zoom! [bongo]
[Rodney pauses, unsure of the next word, mumbles tohimself, consults book.]
Rodney: Oh!
[Rodney resumes his rant, gesturing broadly:]
Rodney: Zoom! Zoom! Zoom! Fallout shelter! Sputnik! H-bomb! Explosion! Explosion!!! EXPLOSION!!! [slaps himself hard in the face] Bang!
[Applause, music. Gregory and Francesca, too cool toclap, merely snap their fingers. Suki the waitress,still reading her book, brings them theirdrinks.]
Gregory: [casually, to Francesca, off the poet]I prefer his haiku.
Francesca: [not understanding the word “haiku”]I love Japanese movies. I mean, films. Butthey’re so nihilistic, I–
Suki: [interrupts] Anything’s better, uh, thanHollywood, man. I mean, James Dean went to Hollywood.Look what it did to him. I’m studying the Method withUta Hagen. I’d never go to Hollywood, it’snowheresville.
[Suki moves off as we cut to Herbie, introducing thenext act:]
Herbie: And now, the most from the South. Allthe way from Shreveport, Louisiana, he’s Blind NegroJock Jackson. Maybe some of you cats and chicks aren’thip to this but, like, Negroes have really suffered inwhite society! So dig this mannnnnnn.
[Blind Negro Jackson — eyes shut, head upraised, hugeopenmouthed grin — takes center stage. Carrying anacoustic guitar and wearing a harmonica rack ’roundhis neck, he nods at the applause.]
Jackson: Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Yeah,now, I’m go’n’ pick a little tune heah. Uh, thisheah’s called the Trouble and Mis’ry Blues.[clears throat, strikes a chord, sings:] Well, I woke up this mornin’! And the coffee was cold! And the baby was cryin’! So I went to the city! And a car ran over my foo-oot!
[harmonica]
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I asked the White Man for a jooo-ooob! And he wouldn’t give me no jooo-ooob! And I got holes in my shoooes! And I got holes in my feet, toooooo!
[harmonica]
Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I got five dollars for the winter! And the rats is gnawin’ on mama’s old church hat! Waaaaaahhhhhh! Waaaaaahhhhhh!
[harmonica]
And I was blind yesterday … I’m blind today … Go’n’ be blind tomorrow!
[Last two words sung with a spectacular falsetto whichdraws genuine applause as the song windsdown.]
Herbie: All right!
Jackson: Thank you, thank you.
[More applause. Suki, tray in hand, pats Jackson onthe shoulder and leads the grinning, nodding musicianoff.]
Suki: Great stuff, man. You know, I lovedSidney Poitier in “The Defiant Ones.” He was great.Sit down, baby.
[During a short musical interlude from the band, wecenter briefly on Gregory and Francesca snapping theirfingers and discussing Jackson’s performanceintensely.]
Gregory: … like, they are SO real.
Francesca: Me, too. I think we all have so muchto learn from Negroes.
Herbie: And now! The mohel of the boils ofsociety! A cat who cuts through the maladies of truth!This cat is too wigged out for the idiot box. You’llnever catch him on Steve Allen, man! Here he is, theworld’s most paranoid hip comic, ShelleyBayless.
[Accompanied by music and applause, Shelley — acigarette-wielding Lenny Bruce imitator wearingsunglasses, dark suit and skinny necktie — rises andtakes center stage, shaking like an addict, oozingparanoia and passive-aggression. The jazz musiciansdig him with much enthusiasm but the crowd nevercracks a smile.]
Shelley: Hi. Hey, man. Ha! Like, I wore theshades ‘cuz candles are too bright, ya dig?
Herbie: Yeah!
Shelley: What’s the matter, man? Didn’t sellenough life insurance today? Is that it? Huh? Whaddyalookin’ at? What? [defiantly holds up his cigarette toGregory, shaking] Cigarette, man! Huh? What are you, acop? Huh? What you–? [to the crowd] You all cops,right? You’re ALL cops and you don’t know it, man! Yasee? That’s all right. Ooh. Cool, dog. Right. I – Ithought I was diminishing but I guess I wasaugmenting.
[Shelley turns to the musicians who crack up at thisuse of music lingo and growl appreciatively.]
Shelley: That’s right. Hey! Dig the duuude. Thecat over there. Dig the scales on him, huh? That’s amajor? [consults the band who growl agreement] Thatis. That’s a major. Hey, hey-hey, ya see, all you catswho dig like Eisenhower, ya know, like, uh, ya know,who don’t share the doogie with the skeezo, you know,with the band, ya dig?
[Musicians growl appreciatively.]
Shelley: What do you want, man, huh? What? Youwant jokes? You want imitations? What do you want?Marlon Brando? [removes sunglasses, lapses into aflawless Brando impersonation] You wuz mah brother,Charlie, you shoulda looked out for me–
[Partially drowned out by laughter and applause, hemumbles dialogue from the 1954 film “On theWaterfront” with Brandoesque incoherence:]
Shelley: Don’t you remember that night in theGarden? You came down and said, “Kid, it ain’t yournight, we’re goin’ for the price on Wilson.” My night![ends imitation, to the crowd] That what you want,man? That what you want? [puts sunglasses back on]Huh? Well, dig, man — if Hugh Stoll knew what wascopacetic about reiterating the coda, you could bangit up from across the street, man. Ya dig? Ya dig?Because I know the truth of the– By the time you findout, you know, it – it’ll be in my vein andunderground, you know, ‘cuz you can’t stop it.
Herbie: Wow, Cecille! Shelley Bayless.
[Music, applause. Shelley nods and bows jerkily as hepats himself down, then exits.]
Herbie: Now, here’s a crazy chick. This chickswings with a different drummer — like, wow, Zenpoetry in motion, man. Let’s all groove on the dancemoves of Isadora Schwartz. Wild baby, wild.
[Music. Bone thin, black-clad dancer Isadora Schwartzbreezes into view and strikes an improbabledouble-jointed pose with her arms around her head andboth hands on her breasts.]
Isadora: [thick Noo Yawk accent] I am a leaf!Tawssed in the wind! [her hands waft like birds’ wingsfrom her breasts and she uncoils herself] Oh, thouwind! Blow! Blow! Blow me away! [spins and strikesanother pose, pointing into the crowd] The firstdemand of ontological empiricism is to find yawself![mimes digging, manages an unkempt leap and acts outthe following interjections with dance moves]Depression! Down! Down! Down! [sinks to the floor]Knife! [mimes slitting her wrists and bleeding] Blood!Bleed! Black! Black! Black! Blow! Death. [rises] Life.I dance like the wind. The wind!
[Isadora dances like the wind – after a moment, Herbieis so inspired, he leaps from his stool and duets withher – they kneel on the floor whipping their armsabout as if blown by the wind. Much fluttering by theflute during all this. The dance ends with Isadora onher knees, arms outstretched and palms up, her faceentirely covered by her long hair. Herbie returns tohis stool and picks up his bongos. Much applause.Isadora exits.]
Herbie: Crazy! All right, crazy! And now let’spause for the cause with a little musical interlude,cats and chicksssss!
[During the music, we isolate each of the players inan oval as superimposed texts and the narrator’sbooming voice describe their fates. First up iscustomer Gregory, in snobbish profile, cigarilloclenched in his teeth.]
Narrator V/O: Gregory Collyer – Went on tobecome the Love Dentist.
[Customer Francesca looks down pensively.]
Narrator V/O: Francesca Robinson [text says”Richardson”] – Now owns and operates a dog groomingparlor in Tampa, Florida.
[Bongo playing Herbie grins broadly.]
Narrator V/O: Herbie Gleason – Now runs aparking lot art gallery in Laguna Beach.
[ open on dejected ballplayers hanging around the locker room, looking up at Coach, whose face is unseen to the audience since he’s standing high atop a stool ]
Coach: Ahhhhh.. what else can I say, boys..? As your manager, I wanted to win the World Series as much as anybody – New York deserved to win! Losing four straight games was rough! Being ejected from the last game made things even worse for me. Look – th-there’s nothing shameful about.. your not showing, you know.. your showing in the Series.. I mean, don’t blame yourselves. I mean, they blame me.. I-I made the same mistakes, maybe I should have used Catfish in the fourth game. I’m sorry you were embarrassed on national television in front of millions of people! And I’m.. sorry that each one of you lost the, uh.. bonuses and the World Series money, not to mention the untold other monies you could have gotten in commercial endorsements.. [ weeping ] I’m sorry..! I let you down! It won’t happen again!
[ members of the team exit the locker room mumbling to themselves about their Coach’s ineptitude. One Ballplayer lingers behind ]
Ballplayer: You bet it won’t, Coach! [ kicks the Coach’s stool out from under him, leaving him to hang in the air ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
