Category: 1976

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


October 16th, 1976

Karen Black

John Prine

None

George Schultz

Vance Degeneres

Tom Davis

Al Franken

Paul Shaffer
Wheelchair Bound ChevySummary: Jane Curtin introduces an ailing Chevy Chase back to the show, then John Belushi shoves him out of his wheelchair.

Transcript

Montage

Karen Black’s MonologueSummary: Karen Black shows off her son, Hunter, a hungry tyke in his own right, and discusses the innovations that have improved motherhood over the years.

Bio: Karen Black (1939-). Actress/screenwriter/singer/songwriter; films include: “Easy Rider” (1969), “Five Easy Pieces” (1971), “The Day of the Locust” (1975), “Nashville” (1975), “Family Plot” (1976), “Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean” (1982).

Also Hosted: 80g.

Transcript

Baba Wawa At LargeSummary: Barbara Walters (Gilda Radner) interviews Indira Gandhi (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Barbara Walters, Indira Gandhi.

Debate ’76Summary: Presidnt Gerald R. Ford (Chevy Chase) and Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) debate numerous topics.

Recurring Characters: President Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter.

John Prine performs “Hello In There”Bio: John Prine (1946-). Country/folk singer-songwriter; discovered by Kris Kristofferson.

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

Triple-TracSummary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who’ll believe anything they see.

Note: Repeat from 75a.

Green Cross CupcakesSummary: Per the rules of truth-in-advertising laws, these cupcakes really are cancer-free.

Transcript

A*M*I*S*HSummary: Slow-moving Amish crimefighters (Chevy Chase, John Belushi, Jane Curtin) are too late to have made a difference in a bank robbery they read about days earlier.

Transcript

Love, Russian StyleSummary: Catherine the Great (Karen Black) takes a horse for her lover.

Nightclub OwnerSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, Pips Comedy Club owner George Schultz tells jokes and talks about his the club he founded in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn in 1962.

John Prine performs “The Bottomless Lake”

Lunch Counter ReunionSummary: High school nerd Ralph Bort (Dan Aykroyd) runs into head cheerleader Patti Rivers (Jane Curtin) at the lunch counter at Woolworth’s.

Transcript

The Mr. Bill ShowSummary: In a home movie by Walter Williams, Clayman Mr. Bill suffers while en route to a party held by Vance Degeneres.

Karen Black performs “Ten Cents A Dance”

A Musical Tribute to American CoinageSummary: Garrett Morris sings “Pennies From Heaven”; Chevy Chase sings “Music! Music! Music!”; Dan Aykroyd sings “Brother, Can You Spare A Dime?”; John Belushi sings “One More For the Road”, as an on-screen crawl lists his petty thefts of small change around the office.

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

A*M*I*S*H

Eleazer…..Chevy Chase
Elizabeth…..Jane Curtin
Churn…..John Belushi
Teller…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on interior, Amish kitchen after lunch ]

Eleazer: A boundrous repast, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: I shall clear now.

[ as Elizabeth clears the table, Eleazer sits in a rocking chair by the window, puts on his reading glasses and opens the newspaper ]

Churn: The wheat has been cut and shucked. Threshing has started. It is the Lord’s way. Yesterday we planted; today we reap that which was planted. To everything there is a season.

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn!

Churn: A time for every purpose under Heaven.

Eleazer: A time to be born, a time to die.

Churn: A time to plant… a time to reap.

[ Elizabeth joins them, and sits ]

Elizabeth: A time to kill, a time to heal.

Eleazer: A time to laugh, a time to weep.

Churn: To everything…

Eleazer: Turn, turn, turn.

Elizabeth: [ as she knits ] There is a season.

Eleazer: Turn… turn, turn. [ he opens his newspaper ]

Churn: [ glancing at the reverse page ] Behold! A bank has been heldeth up.

[ music sting ]

Elizabeth: Where at?

Eleazer: [ he turns the newspaper over to read the story ] Lancaster. About thirty miles east of here.

Churn: We are needed.

Eleazer: [ he puts the newspaper down ] Let us roll. [ he removes his glasses ]

[ the three of them grab their hats and head outdoors ]

[ dissolve to the three of them walking down the road ]

Announcer: Jacob people, linking the way we were with the way we used to be. Temperance, but with a purpose. They’re young. They’re cops. They’re Pennsylvania Dutch.

[ reveal a close-up of each, over SUPER: ]

Announcer: Chevy Chase stars as Eleazer Clinton.

…Jane Curtin as Elizabeth Yoders.

…and John Belushi as Churn.

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

Announcer: A team of… Active… Mormonites… In… Search of… Harmony.

[ the initials read: A*M*I*S*H ]

Announcer: They’re… A*M*I*S*H!

[ dissolve to the threesome stopping by a campfire for the night and eating berries ]

Churn: Mmm… tasty berries.

Elizabeth: I picked them along the way.

Eleazer: Bring us some more of that fine cornbread, Elizabeth.

Elizabeth: Yes, Eleazer. [ she exits ]

Eleazer: [ looking in her wake ] She’s a good woman.

Churn: She’s 14. I wonder why she never married?

[ return to the threesome walking down the road ]

[ dissolve to the threesome walking along a city street ]

[ Eleazer pushes the “Walk Light” button on a post ]

[ they wait until traffic stops, and finally they are able to cross the street to the bank ]

[ they enter the bank, then casually stand in line to wait their turn with a teller ]

[ at last, their wait is through. They approach the teller ]

Teller: Yes? May I help you?

Eleazer: Yes. We read there had been some trouble. We were concerned, so we have journeyed here to offer our help. We are the A*MI*S*H.

Elizabeth: The Lord guideth us to your window.

Teller: Uhh — what kind of trouble, uh — ?

Churn: The… bank robbery. We read about it in the paper.

Teller: [ thinking ] Well, uh… the bank robbery was last Tuesday.

Eleazer: The EVIL DOER shall be stricken and FALL, like unto the overripe fig! So sayeth the Lord! [ a beat ] May we be of some help?

Teller: Uhhhh — no, I… I think everything’s under control. The, uh… the robbers were caught… uhhh, they were arraigned yesterday, I think, and, uh… they’re gonna be up for trial on Friday.

Eleazer: Well, then. Our work is done.

[ title card appears, as they prepare their exit ]

Announcer: Next week on “A*M*I*S*H”: “The Other Cheek”. Watch for it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Wheelchair Bound Chevy

…..Jane Curtin
…..John Belushi
…..Chevy Chase

Jane Curtin: As some of you may know, on the first show of the season, Chevy Chase injured himself taking a fall. Now, he’s been sick for quite a while, but he’s here with us tonight! [ morosely ] Of course… that means I probably won’t be doing “Update” any more — I did start getting letters. But… Chevy insisted on coming back, even though his doctor said, “No, Chevy. We think you’re crazy because you’re not well enough.” But he HAS to come back, because he has something very important that he wants to say to each and every one of you. Ladies and gentlemen — Chevy Chase!

[ the audience cheers, as John Belushi wheels a despondent Chevy onto the stage ]

John Belushi: You’re on, Chevy.

[ Chevy moans inaudibly ]

John Belushi: Come on, come on…

[ Chevy moans inaudibly ]

John Belushi: Get UP! Come on!

[ John flips the wheelchair forward, shoving Chevy to the floor beneath the apron of the stage ]

[ Chevy picks himself up and faces the camera ]

Chevy Chase: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Debate ’76

Ann Wrabel…..Karen Black
Liz Montgomery…..Jane Curtin
Earl Rowland…..Garrett Morris
Marilyn Kraus…..John Belushi
President Gerald R. Ford…..Chevy Chase
Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

Announcer: And now, the three television networks join with the League of Women Voters to bring you “Debate ’76”.

Ann Wrabel: Good evening. I’m Ann Wrabel, your moderator for this third televised debate between President Gerald R. Ford… [ show Ford standing on the side of his podium, before taking his correct position and revealing a syringe poking his left arm ] and the Democratic nominee for president, Georgia governor Jimmy Carter. Now I will introduce the three journalists who will be asking the questions tonight: Earl Rowland of the Chicago Tribune, author of “Minorities in Politics”… [ reveal Earl ] Liz Montgomery of the New York Post, author of “Women in Politics”… [ reveal Liz ] and Marilyn Kraus of the Rolling Stone Magazine, author of “Transexuals in Politics”. [ reveal Marilyn snorting a bag of cocaine ] Because this is the last of these historic debates, we will begin with our National Anthem.[ the National Anthem plays. The journalists stand in respect, as Ford hits his buzzer ]

President Gerald R. Ford: I can name that tune in… four notes!

Ann Wrabel: No… no…

President Gerald R. Ford: “Star Spangled Banner”!

Ann Wrabel: No, Mr. President…

President Gerald R. Ford: Nope? “Battle Hymn of the Republic”? How about “I Gotta Be Me”?

Jimmy Carter: No. “I Gotta Be Me” goes, uh: “I gotta be… when I’m right… uh… when I’m wrong…”

Ann Wrabel: Let’s just forget the National Anthem, and move right into the body of our debate. Mr. Rowland, a question for Governor Carter.

Earl Rowland: Yeah, uh — Governor Carter, since after the last debate you have been criticized for not answering the questions directly, uh, keeping this in mind, why do you oppose the B-1 Bomber?

Jimmy Carter: Well, Mr. Rowland, that’s a very complicated issue, and I’d like to break the question down into two parts, if I might. Uh: the first part, of course, is the, um, the eternal question “Why?” which has plagued philosophers from Socrates to Thomas Aquinas to Bob Dylan. Now, I could not begin to answer that question in the alloted time here. Of course, the second part of the question is “Do I oppose the B-1 Bomber?” Yes.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: Ms. Montgomery, a question for Governor Ford — uh, I’m sorry, President Ford.

Liz Montgomery: Yes. Uh, Mr. President, this week you admitted making a mistake in the last debate, when you asserted that Eastern Europeans are autonomous and independent, and that they don’t consider themselves dominated by the Soviet Union. Certainly, anyone can crack under the pressure of the debates and say something incredibly dumb. To set the record straight, would you describe what you saw in your last visit to Poland?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, Ms. Ma-ma-mon… Montgomery… gomery. Last year I visited the capital of Poland… and let me just say from the outset that Milwaukee is a beautiful city. And I sense they’re… very independent and autonomous in spirit, much, uh, much like the voters of our northwestern and northeastern urban centers. Because of Soviet domination, the Poles don’t seem to have the equipment, uh, take for granted — that WE take for granted here in the, uh… great United States. [ he fumbles with his papers ] Excuse me! I’ll never forget — I was in my hotel room there in, uh, Milwaukee… my light bulb failed me. Well, I climbed on the desk, and, of course, I had to call on a few Secret Service men to come in and… spin that desk around, while I… put the bulb in.

[ buzzer sounds ]

President Gerald R. Ford: Excuse me!

Ann Wrabel: Madam Kraus, a question for Governor Carter?

Marilyn Kraus: Uhh… yes, uh… [ sniffs ] Excuse me. Uhhh… Mr. Carter, you’ve been criticized by President Ford for making, uh, unfairly bitter personal attacks on him. Now, how do you answer this charge, Sir?

Jimmy Carter: Bitter? Um… Mr. Kraus, in the 1930’s in New York, a man criticized his opponents for their bitter personal attacks on him, and that man was Adolph Hitler. Now, Adolph hiter was responsible for the deaths of over fifty million people during World War 2. Now, I don’t believe that Mr. Ford would purposely KILL fifty million people… but his lack of leadership may lead to a total fiery, demonic HOLOCAUST!

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: President Ford? Rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, once again, Mr. Carter’s playing fast and loose with his figures. During Word War 2, of course, only forty million people were killed.

[ buzzer sounds, causing Frod to poke himself in the face with a pencil ]

Ann Wrabel: A question for the President?

Earl Rowland: [ taking the ball ] Yeah, uh… how about Chile, you know, where, in 1973, the State Department, under the direction of Dr. Kissinger, helped overthrow the Democratic Allende government and replaced it with a brutal military dictatorship, which you now support, and which tortures THOUSANDS of political prisoners.

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, now, Mr. Rooo-owland… Chiles are an independent and autonomous people, and they don’t consider being beaten with rubber crunches to BE a torture! Why, just the other day I talked on the phone to the dictator of Chile, and he assured me that Chiles certainly do not believe that having electrodes placed between your genitals means you’re under donimation. [ turns to Carter ] Care for some water, Governor?

Jimmy Carter: Thank you.

President Gerald R. Ford: Certainly. [ he pours the glass in front of him, but the water appears to go through the bottom of the glass ]

Jimmy Carter: Uh —

Liz Montgomery: Uh, excuse me, Mr. President, uh — uh — Mr. President? I would like to ask Governor Carter a question, if I may.

[ Ford drops the pitcher and glasses to the floor ]

Liz Montgomery: Governor Carter, you have said that the Playboy interview may have been a mistake. Do you think you were being too honest with the American people, and do you still lust after women?

Jimmy Carter: Well, I — I don’t think there’s such a thing as being too honest, Ms. Montgomery… and, just to prove it, I’m gonna answer honestly how I feel right now. I want to say that you’re a very attractive woman… and your hair looks kind of silky and kind of soft, and, uh — at this moment in my heart… I’m wearing a leather mask and breathing in your ear.

[ buzzer sounds, as Carter continues to stare lustily at Liz Montgomery ]

Ann Wrabel: President Ford, uh… rebuttal?

President Gerald R. Ford: Well, of course, as you know, I have only lusted after two women in my life. They are, of course, my lovely wife, Betty, and my lovely mother. Mom.

[ buzzer sounds ]

Ann Wrabel: Marilyn Kraus, a question for the President?

Marilyn Kraus: Uh — [ coughs ] Yes. [ he sniffs ] Uh, Mr. President… uh, just last week you were absolved of any guilt connected with your Congressional campaign funds. However, you do admit receiving paid vacations from United States steel lobbyists. What is your “relationship” with these “captains of industry”, sir?

President Gerald R. Ford: [ snoring, then looks up ] Yes. Well. On that point, Mr. Kake… Kate… Kathans… Kraus. Mr. Kraus. People in U.S. Steel are clearly an independent and autonomous people, and I don’t think they consider themselves a political payoff people. [ he stares without blinking ]

Ann Wrabel: [ stumbling on her lines ] Uh — uh, gentlemen — I — I’m very sorry, but we’ve reached the… end… of our question-and-answer period. We just have time for your concluding statements, if you would, please?

[ both candidates give their concluding statements simultaneously ]

Jimmy Carter: The purpose of these debates —

President Gerald R. Ford: America’s future is brighter than ever —

[ their words indistinguishable, the debate theme music pops up, along with the following SUPERS:

Ford-Carter Debates Sponsored by THE LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS
MAMIE EISENHOWER,
Honorary Chairperson ]

[ credits scroll, including:

President Ford Assisted to the Stage by Tony Orlando

President Ford’s Wardrobe by MISTAKE

Governor Carter’s Makeup by MICK JAGGER

Coffee Provided by JOE DIMAGGIO ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Green Cross Cupcakes

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Wife … Karen Black
Husband … John Belushi
Scientist … Chevy Chase
Technicians … Al Franken, Tom Davis
Announcer … Dan Aykroyd

[Kitchen. Wife pours coffee for husband who sits attable, reading a newspaper and eating a cupcake. Thecupcake has white frosting with two lines of greenicing forming a cross on top.]

Husband: Mmmm! Honey! These cupcakes are delicious.

Wife: Oh, yes, they are, dear. And, you know, theydon’t cause cancer.

Husband: What?

Wife: I said, they don’t cause cancer … [addressesthe audience] … because these are Green CrossCupcakes. You see, the folks down at Gamma RayLaboratories fed these cupcakes to rats for fiveyears. And here are the results … [as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTSING flash onscreen, she walks off andinstantly returns, wheeling in a large cage containingsquealing jumbo white rats — and a handful of GreenCross Cupcakes] Dozens of cancer-free rats. Yes, allof them lived, except one that got his little headcaught between the bars.

Husband: [rises, peers into cage] You mean, all of ’emate only cupcakes?

Wife: Yes — [the words TRUTH IN ADVERTSING flashonscreen again] — that and a little bit of the woodchips found in their cages. But why take my word forit? See for yourself.

[Dissolve to a graphic reading: Documented Footagefrom the Gamma Ray Bakery-Laboratories. Dissolve tothe lab. We see about forty wire cages filled withscreaming white rats. A red light flashes off and on,plunging the lab into near-darkness with an eerie redglow. A nasty, ear-splitting buzzer sounds with everyflash. Two zombie-like technicians, wearing lab coatswith a green cross on the sleeve, plus masks andgloves and caps that cover every inch of their bodies,walk sloooooowly and haltingly past the cages carryinga stretcher loaded with a pile of exposed Green CrossCupcakes. Dissolve back to the kitchen where thehusband regards a cupcake in his hand.]

Husband: Mmph. No cancer, huh? I guess I’ll tryanother delicious Green Cross Cupcake. In fact, I’llhave as many as I like. [stuffs the entire cupcake inhis mouth]

Wife: [to the camera] Why not take a tip from thesejumbo rats and treat your family to the safe cupcake?

Scientist: [enters and addresses camera as the wordsTRUTH IN ADVERTISING flash onscreen again] Hi. I’m ascientist. Under the “Truth in Advertising” law, I’mobliged to point out that there’s no evidence linkingcupcakes and cancer. None whatsover. Not evenremotely. [glances at cupcakes] But five years fromnow, who knows? [with a smile] Bye. [exits]

Wife: Headlines are so frightening, I can’t even readthe damn paper any more. All I know is I have to takecare of my family and do what’s best for them so Isay: Why take chances when it comes to cupcakes? Feed’em Green Cross Cupcakes, the safe cupcakes.Cancer-freeness never tasted so good.

[Husband winks as he devours another cupcake, nearlywhole. Pan down to the cage of rats enjoying theircupcakes.]

Announcer: Dogs love ’em, too! Woof! Woof!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Lunch Counter Reunion

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Ralph Bort … Dan Aykroyd
Patty Rivers … Jane Curtin
Waitress … Gilda Radner

[The lunch counter at Woolworth’s department store, alittle before one o’clock in the afternoon. Two adultssit together, having just eaten: a man and a woman,smoking cigarettes. A waitress removes their platesand brings them coffee. The man is boisterous andenthusiastic. The woman is distinctly uncomfortable.The scene opens in mid-conversation:]

Ralph Bort: [laughing] But – but weren’t ya – weren’tya sort of embarrassed, you know, every time yourunderpants showed when you did a cartwheel? I mean, Imean, I knew they matched your cheerleading skirt andall that but you must’ve been embarrassed from time totime. Ha!

Patty Rivers: Well, I–

Ralph Bort: Maybe … you sort of liked it. Yeah, yousort of liked it. Huh! I guess that’s it. You sort ofliked it. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: I really didn’t–

Ralph Bort: That’s something, you know? After tenwhole years, finding out the captain of the highschool cheerleading team really liked her underpantsshowing. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: They were supposed to show. They matchedthe outfit. They were supposed to show, okay?

Ralph Bort: Well, okay, okay, Patty Rivers!

Patty Rivers: I wish you wouldn’t say my name so much.

Ralph Bort: Oh, I like saying it. It reminds me I’mtalkin’ to ya. I, Ralph Bort — “B. O.” Bort talkingto you, Patty Rivers! And to think in high school, Iwas scared of you, y’know? I was scared of you — butnow we’re just regular people, just adults, just youand me here. [laughs]

Patty Rivers: Yeah. Yeah.

Ralph Bort: You still – you still don’t remember me,do ya? [laughs] Here – here’s a hint! [covers mouthwith hands, imitates a filtered voice] Testingone-two-three! Testing one-two-three!

Patty Rivers: I give up.

Ralph Bort: Captain of the audiovisual squad! Sevenguys who really gave a damn if the mikes had feedbackin the gym. And in the auditorium.

Patty Rivers: Really?

Ralph Bort: We were the backbone of those pep rallies.You were the underpants! [laughs]

Patty Rivers: Listen, I – I really have to get back.My lunch hour is over. I just can’t stay here–

Ralph Bort: Hey! Hey! Relax! I’m tight with the crowdat Fanny Farmer, I’ll vouch for ya.

Patty Rivers: Well, okay.

Ralph Bort: After all, how many reunions do you havein your lifetime? Five, ten, fifteen, twenty,twenty-five, thirty, forty?

Patty Rivers: I don’t know.

Ralph Bort: Running into each other at the lunchcounter at Woolworth’s! Can you imagine what might nothave happened if I didn’t ask you for the salt?

Patty Rivers: I’m due back at one.

Ralph Bort: Five minutes! You can talk five minutesabout old times! High school!

Patty Rivers: We didn’t have any old times.

Ralph Bort: We went to the same high school, didn’twe? We went to the same lockers. You know, I forgot totell you this. I had your old junior year locker in mysenior year ’cause I found this, uh, this piece ofcrepe paper, you know, like from one of your, uh, yourpompons, you know, and I saved it.

Patty Rivers: Why?

Ralph Bort: It was something to save! Something tokeep! A memory! A souvenir! I couldn’t take home anymicrophones. I couldn’t take home those filmstrips on,uh, Guatemala. Imports, exports, bushels of wheat.[imitates narrator] “Guatemala, your downstairsneighbor!” Remember that? I showed that filmstripabout fifty times in four years. Guatemala,Guatemalans — who cares? You didn’t have thatproblem, though. You probably had lots of souvenirs.You probably took a lot home, didn’t ya?

Patty Rivers: Yes, I did.

Ralph Bort: Well, like what?

Patty Rivers: My pompons, my cheerleading letter, my -my Homecoming crown–

Ralph Bort: Homecoming! I – I went to a Homecoming …after I was in Nam. I was in Nam. Know what I didthere?

Patty Rivers: What?

Ralph Bort: Would you believe … FIGHT?! You know whyI said that? I wanted you to ask me that so I couldsay “Would you believe …?” Remember? I started thatin our high school. I was the one who said, “Would youbelieve …?” first! I started “Would you believe…?” It was all over the country but I started it inour high school. I started “Would you believe …?” Istarted that. Heh! You know, those words would’venever come out of your mouth, you know, if – if Ididn’t say “Would you believe …?” You know? Thatreally gets me sometimes that I started that, youknow? I started “Would you believe …?” And thosewords would’ve never come out of your mouth, if Ididn’t start that! Huh! Damn! [laughs] Nam! I was inNam. Know what I did in Nam? I ran the movieprojector. Showed “Blue Hawaii,” “True …” — youknow — “… Grit,” all those movies, you know? Whatabout you?

Patty Rivers: What about me?

Ralph Bort: Yeah, what have you done since highschool? I wanna know. I’m interested.

Patty Rivers: Well, I went to college. I got married.I got divorced. Now, I’m living with my parents–

Ralph Bort: Yeah! I heard about that! Getting divorced– I heard about that. My mom sent me something overin Nam, a little item in the newspaper, you know?Well, don’t worry about it, I mean, they weren’ttalking about it in Nam, you know. They had otherthings to worry about.

Patty Rivers: Well, that’s it for me. I really–

Ralph Bort: I went to community college for two years.I started the AV squad there. It was sort of mybrainchild. “Brainchild” — there’s a word I neverused in high school, you know? Some people used thatword, I never used that word. Only when I started, uh,you know, managing the tire department over at Sears,I started using “brainchild.” I got the job, tiremanager over there. It’s terrific, you know, I worknine to five, five days a week. I never thought Icould get into it, you know, but I do – I do it, youknow? I play a lot of poker on weekends, though. A lotof poker! Maybe too much poker, you know?! But I’mreal busy.

Patty Rivers: Look, it’s been really nice but I haveto get back–

Ralph Bort: Hey! You smoke cigarettes! What kind?

Patty Rivers: Menthol.

Ralph Bort: I smoke menthol 100s. I love ’em! I likethe taste! I like menthol! Isn’t that something? Whoever thought we were gonna grow up like this and I’dbe sitting next to you, you smoking cigarettes? It’samazing! It’s just amazing! What kind of car youdrive? I got a Chevy Nova, you know. A tachometer. Igot rally stripes, baby moon. I got, uh, CB radio,tape deck. I got all of that in there. I got, uh,factory air conditioning, too, you know? I wouldn’ttake it without the air. What kind of car do youdrive?

Patty Rivers: Toyota.

Ralph Bort: Ahhh, you worry about pollution, huh?

Patty Rivers: Well, I–

Ralph Bort: I do, too! You know, I worry aboutpollution, too. But I’m pretty busy, you know. I’m–When I’m not playing poker or managing the tiredepartment over there, you know– I – I worry aboutpollution. Actually, it’s not what you’d call, really,like, worrying, you know, it’s like – it’s like – it’slike – it’s what you’d call, like, thinking … aboutpollution, you know, like– ? Yeah. Yeah, that’s it!It’s – it’s – it’s what you’d call thinking aboutpollution.

Patty Rivers: Look, I’ve really got to go.

Ralph Bort: Isn’t this something, though? Both of usare adults! Both of us adults, here, equals, you know?It’s not like high school. In high school, there wereall those levels, you know, groups. Some people werenothing, you know? Some people were something. Moresomething. Right up to the big shots. But, in life, itall evens out! We’re adults! We both lived, donethings, you know? You’ve lived! I’ve lived! You know,like you were married, divorced. I was in Nam. Youknow, here you are smoking cigarettes, you know? You,in high school with your underpants showing. Me,watching. Things are different! Things are reallydifferent now! I could even ask you out now, couldn’tI?

Patty Rivers: [gives him a sharp look, after a pause]No.

[She rises, slaps some change down on the counter,takes her receipt, and walks off. He calls after her.]

Ralph Bort: Hey – hey, I’ll call ’em at Fanny Farmer.I – I’ll explain to them that you’re gonna be late.[to the waitress who clears away his coffee cup andwipes the counter with a rag] I – I – I know themthere, at Fanny Farmer. I know them.

[The waitress hands him his receipt. He inspects itclosely, rises, and reaches into his pocket formoney.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 4

76d: Karen Black / John Prine

Karen Black’s Monologue

…..Karen Black

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Karen Black!

[ Karen Black enters the stage holding her infant son, Hunter, who seldom removes his hand from the firm of Black’s left breast ]

Karen Black: Thank you! Well, I’m very excited to be here tonight. So’s my son, Hunter. [ she acknowledges the child in her arms ] This is Hunter! Actually, we both slept all day… so we could be up for the show tonight. No, he’s actually always up this late. He smokes cigars, too! You know, I take motherhood very seriously. When I was pregnant, I read everything you could read about babies and mtoherhood. I read every paper and article. So, now, I know quite a bit about motherhood, and about mothers.

For instance, did you know what the very first mothers were like? Well, the first mother were primitive by our standards. They were often made from nothing more but bits of bark and cloth! [ reveal image ] Yes, they were crude mothers, but they were — [ the audience laughs as Hunter pats Black’s left breast ]

And, yet, as early as 550 B.C., man had progressed to the horse-drawn mother. [ reveal image ] As shown here in this artist’s cnception of an early Greek fresco.

The Dark Ages saw few improvements in the mother, and it wasn’t until the Renaissance that the REAL advances were made. Beginning with the — uhhh — [ Hunter shifts his body so he can wrap his mouth around Black’s right breast for a feed ] Just a minute, darling… Beginning with the Moveable Type Mother. [ reveal image ] Suddenly, mothers were available to EVERYONE — the common man, not just the privileged few rich enough to afford one. [ Hunter begins to grope Black’s right breast, so she lifts him up to her left shoulder; the audience applauds wildly ] Thank you!

With the Industrial Age came the steam-operated mother. [ reveal image ] She was more durable, more efficient, and she was easier to keep clean.

Minor improvements continued to be made, and mothers became more lifelike each passing year. But it took Thomas Alva Edison to put a twinkle in her eye, with the incandescence mother. [ reveal image of mother with lightbulb head ] Now you could read by mothers and see them more easily at night — but they did attract moths.

Invention followed invention, sometimes with disastrous results. Some of you in this audience may have had some of those early, awful celluloid mothers — later recalled because of their tendancy to burst into flames. [ reveal image of flaming mother ] I, myself, was fortunate enough to have one of the gas-turbine mothers of the 1950’s — [ reveal image ] Now considered cumbersome and old-fashioned next to today’s 100% solid-state, all-transistorized mothers with deep shag tile. [ reveal image ]

[ “Thus Spake Zarathustra” pots up in the background ]

As to the mothers of the future? …Well, I have a dream. I dream one day that my child, Hunter, will live to see mothers die in space! [ reveal image of two mothers above the Earth ] We’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 23rd, 1976

Steve Martin

Kinky Friedman

None

None

Al Franken

Michael O’Donoghue

Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Alan Zweibel

World Series LossSummary: After the New York Yankees lose the World Series, the coach (Dan Aykroyd) apologizes for the loss. Showing no hard feelings, one ballplayer (Chevy Chase) kicks the coach’s stool out and hangs him.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin goofs around for a bit, demonstrates his banjo-playing skills, then gets mad at the control room.

Bio: Steve Martin (1945-). Actor/writer; Emmy-winning writer for “The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour” in the 1960’s; performed absurd stand-up comedy throughout the 1970’s; has hosted “Saturday Night Live” a record total of 14 times; films include: “The Jerk”, “Three Amigos”.

Transcript

Speak Out For MilkSummary: Chevy Chase requires multiple takes to send the right message across.

Transcript

Jeopardy! 1999Summary: In a parody of the sci-fi series “Space: 1999”, game show contestants of the distant future provide an amusing glimpse of recent historical events.

Transcript

Kinky Friedman performs “Dear Abbie”Bio: Kinky Friedman (1944-); Singer/writer; former frontman for The Texas Jewboys; author of humor-themed mystery novels, in which he wrote himself as a former country musician/amateur detective and included the likenesses of personal friends as his regular cast of characters; announced his candidacy for governor of Texas in 2005.

Note: This song refers to 60’s activist Abbie Hoffman, who later figures heavily in the flashback mystery “Blast From the Past.”

Lyrics

Weekend Update with Chevy ChaseSummary: Real footage from the Ruben Carter trial makes up supposed renderings from a Weekend Update staff artist who snuck in. After praising her recent substitute anchoring duties, Chevy Chase makes faces during Jane Curtin’s commentary on the dangers of fluorocarbon. A wandering snacker (Al Franken) reads over Chevy’s shoulder as he delivers a news story.

Transcript

Fido-FlexSummary: Pitchman (Steve Martin) advertises the product that’s a dog and a watch all in one!

Transcript

Plato’s CaveSummary: A blind guitar-playing Negro (Garrett Morris) and a poet (Steve Martin) is among the anti-Establishment performers at a beatnik bar during the 1950’s.

Note: Don Pardo has considerable trouble matching names with the correct text as their fates are described at the end.

Transcript

Looks At BooksSummary: Jane Curtin interviews “Sex & Sports” author, Dr. Lloyd Kaufman (Steve Martin), who shares his research findings and filmed footage on the link between abstinence and sports.

Transcript

Autumn In New YorkSummary: In a film by Gary Weis, he and other New Yorkers lip-synch covers of “Autumn In New York” while wandering the city.

Transcript

The Mary Tyler Moore ShowSummary: Ted Baxter’s (Steve Martin) Drano-in-coffee prank on Mary Richards (Laraine Newman) ends in an unexpected catatrosphe.

Transcript

Mysteries In MedicineSummary: A profile of the new Blog Diet plan, in which a faux Eskimo (John Belushi) steals food from dieters (Jane Curtin, Laraine Newman) secluded in the wilderness.

Transcript

Steve Martin Stand-UpSummary: Steve Martin’s topics range from his mother to the destruction of Earth.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Autumn in New York

[FADE IN on Gary Weis standing in front of a window inside a skyscraper which looks out on the Manhattan skyline. He is wearing a dark leisure suit with a burgundy shirt underneath. The collar stands out prominently.]

Weis:
Up here, on the 27th floor,
I look down on the city I hate and adore.

[CUT to Weis standing under a marqee advertising “NEW YORK’S FINEST ADULT BOOK STORE… 25¢ MOVIE ARCADE. He starts lip-synching to the old standard, “Autumn in New York.”]

Weis: “It’s autumn in New York…”

[After Weis walks away, a long-haired man in a green parka strolls toward the camera arm-in-arm with someone who looks androgynous, in a denim jacket and a stocking cap.]

Man on Left: “That brings the promise of new love…”

[They amble past the camera, and then CUT to Weis lip-synching in front of a store window labeled, “BADLANDS.”]

Weis: “Aaaaauuuuutumn in New York…”

[CUT to a curly-headed man in sunglasses and a leather jacket who rounds the corner of the store with a dog on a leash. He lip-synchs to a woman’s voice.]

Man: “It’s often mingled with pain.”

[HOLD on this man for a moment, then CUT to a pretzel vendor in a stocking cap standing next to his cart.]

Vendor: “Glittering crowds and shimmering clouds…”

[CUT to a cab driver in sunglasses as he leans out the driver’s side window in the middle of the street. Buses stream through the intersection a few cars ahead.]

Cabbie:
“And canyons of steel,
They’re making me feel
I’m home…”

[CUT to a flag reading, “The New York Stock Exchange.” Frank Sinatra can be heard singing, “Dreamers with empty hands…” PAN down to a blond-haired man walking down the sidewalk in a powder blue suit and a white tie. He carries a white briefcase and lip-synchs as he saunters gracefully past.]

Pedestrian: “They sigh for exotic lands.”

[CUT to Weis wearing the same outfit and leaning against a lamppost in Central Park.]

Weis: “Autumn in New York…”

[CUT to a long shot of a crowded sidewalk. An older man in a trenchcoat and another in a Yankees warmup jacket are among the pedestrians, several of whom stare blankly at the camera. An easy-listening chorus resembling Fred Waring and His Pennsylvanians sings on the background track.]

Chorus: “It’s good to live it agaaaaaaaaainnnnn…”

[CUT to a younger man in a thick beard and a red windbreaker sitting next to a white-haired lady on a park bench. They lip-synch to tracks of a man and a woman, respectively.]

Man: “Lovers that pass the dark…”

Woman: “On benches in Central Paaa-aaaark…”

[CUT to a deserted park pathway. The singer on the track croons, “Greet autumn in New Yoooo-oooooooork…” CUT to Weis standing on a ferry in the same suit with a polar bear head costume over his head. He nods slowly in time to Johnny Mathis’s voice on the track.]

Johnny Mathis: “It’s good to live it again.”

[PAN over to the Manhattan skyline as seen from the river as Weis steps out of the shot. FADE to the applauding studio audience. ZOOM in on a young blonde woman in a brown-red sweater and SUPERIMPOSE, “WONDERING WHAT TO DO TOMORROW NIGHT.” She acknowledges the camera shyly and continues to clap. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 2: Episode 5

76e: Steve Martin / Kinky Friedman

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Dr. Kaufmann…..Steve Martin

[FADE IN on the usual “Looks at Books” graphic as piano music plays softly, then FADE to Jane Curtin’s face.]

Jane: Good evening, and welcome to “Looks at Books.” I’m Jane Curtin, and our guest tonight has written a most interesting book called, “Sex and Sports.”

[She holds up a book with the title and a stock illustration of a baseball bat and a football inside a basketball hoop.]

Jane: Please welcome Dr. Lloyd Kaufmann. Welcome to our show.

Dr. Kaufmann: [glancing down and smiling] Thank you.

[applause]

Jane: Tell us, Dr. Kaufmann, exactly what is your book about?

Dr. Kaufmann: [in a scholarly voice] Well, I just completed a ten-year study examining the effects that sexual activity has on athletic performance. Now this has been a, uh, controversy for, uh, quite some time–many coaches maintain that abstension is preferable prior to an athletic event, because sex depletes one’s strength; therefore, the athlete doesn’t do as well.

Jane: That’s very interesting. How was this study done?

Dr. Kaufmann: I employed a strict scientific method, uh, using over five hundred athletes, uh, one half of whom did have sex prior to sports, and the others did not. Now this, of course, was all done in complete confidence.

Jane: Did you use anonymous questionnaires, like Kinsey, or did you conduct private conversations, like Masters and Johnson?

Dr. Kaufmann: [a bit sheepishly] No, um, I employed a different kind of method involving, uh, binoculars… and, uh, spending many hours across the street from the subject’s window.

Jane: [evenly] Oh, I see. Your book deals with all sports?

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, it does.

Jane: And since this is the World Series time, I was especially interested in your chapter called, “Base on Balls.”

[laughter]

Jane: I understand that you brought along some film.

Dr. Kaufmann: Yes, we found that abstension from sex helps one’s athletic performance, and I think these films can show that. [points offstage] Can you roll the films, please?

[CUT to archival footage of Johnny Bench slugging a home run to left off Vida Blue at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati against the Oakland A’s, 1972 World Series.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [narrating] Now this batter was coming off a bad season, and he decided to abstain, and it helped his performance remarkably. He hit home runs and was a big help to his team.

[Bench is seen trotting home triumphantly and slapping the hands of the third base coach and the batter on deck.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Very interesting.

Jane: I see he has a lot of–

[CUT abruptly to film of a New York Yankees shortstop charging a ground ball in the infield and wheeling it to first for the out.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, here’s a terrific defensive play by someone who took a vow of celibacy after joining a religious cult.

[CUT back to the studio, where Jane and Dr. Kaufmann watch intently for a moment, then turn back to each other. Dr. Kaufmann nervously clears his throat.]

Jane: Now, these men, for one reason or another, abstained from sex.

Dr. Kaufmann: That’s right.

Jane: Now what about the others?

Dr. Kaufmann: Well, I have some film. I have shown that, uh… [muffing his lines] The men who uh, who did abstain were somewhat hampered, and um… as closer, uh, sports got to the athletic event, then their performance would hamper accordingly. [points off camera] So maybe we can roll the film on that, please.

[CUT to film of a New York Mets left fielder running up for a fly ball which lands just in front of his glove and skips far past him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [over laughter] Now the, uh, left fielder in this had sex one week prior to the big game, as did the pitcher in this play.

[CUT to a Boston Red Sox pitcher charging a dribbler to his right and bobbling it badly. He keeps the ball and turns back to the mound.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, this catcher was teased the night before the game…

[CUT to a catcher camping under a pop foul right along the third base line. It falls out of his mitt, and he pounds the mitt in disgust.]

Dr. Kaufmann: And it’s no surprise that these two players here were seen with a few hookers on the way to the ballpark.

[CUT to another clip of a batter hitting a high pop foul just left of home plate. The catcher and third baseman both run for it and converge right in front of the dugout. Both of them lift up their gloves to catch it, but it falls out of the catcher’s mitt just as the third baseman trips him and sends him sprawling. The umpire is seen waving off the play as no catch. CUT to another batter lofting a lazy line drive over the second baseman’s head. The ball rolls straight to the center fielder.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now, note the center fielder in this play. He visited his wife in the locker room between innings.

[The center fielder bends to scoop up the slow-rolling ball, but misses it and slides down on his butt as the ball continues to roll out toward the fence. He picks up and runs after it. CUT to a batter being hit by a pitch and diving to the dirt in the batter’s box.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Now this is interesting: the girlfriend of this pitcher had sex with this batter during the seventh-inning stretch.

[The batter takes several slow steps toward first, glaring at the pitcher, and then suddenly charges the mound and barrels into him.]

Dr. Kaufmann: [wryly] And with everyone else during the National Anthem.

[CUT to another angle of the brawl as the benches clear and other players try to break it up. FADE back to the studio.]

Dr. Kaufmann: Not a pleasant sight, but still I think it illustrates the results in my findings.

Jane: Very clearly. Thank you very much for joining us, and I’m sure everyone is looking forward to your next study, which is?

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Um… the, uh, next book I’m going to do is titled, “Sex and Sex.”

Jane: Ah.

Dr. Kaufmann: See, I found that if one is going to have sex, his performance will be better if he doesn’t have sex right before doing it.

Jane: I see. Well, thank you again. [to camera] And thank you, and coming up is a film by Gary Weis.

[applause]

Dr. Kaufmann: Say…

[ZOOM OUT as Dr. Kaufmann leans over to Jane and starts rubbing her knee suggestively. She looks down in disbelief and then smiles timidly. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts