Category: 1977

SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 8

E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics

…..Buck Henry
…..Miskell Spillman

Announcer: And now, Public Access Cable Television Channel D presents.. “E. Buzz Miller’s Art Classics”.

[ dissolve to E. Buzz Miller and Christie Christina sitting on a couch in a darkened room ]

E. Buzz Miller: Good evening, welcome to Public Access Cable Channel D, this is “Art Classics”. I’m your host, E. Buzz Miller. And my lovely guest to my left here is Miss Christie Christina, and she’s opening at the Coach & Pull Bar tomorrow night. But enough talk, let’s get right to tonight’s art classics.

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of naked woman lying on a bed ]

E. Buzz Miller: Now, the first one here is called Venus of Irbino, and it was painted in 1538 by a guy in Venice. And, this is for real, his name is spelled T-I-T-I-A-N. Titian! Honest to God!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: He’s a very famous respected artist, and this is a bona fide art treasure. And I don’t think anybody could disagree that this is a really nice painting of a broad on a couch! How about you, Christie? You’re an artist.

Christie Christina: Well.. I’m an artist and an entertainer! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: Yeah, right! [ laughs ]

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ] But I think she’s very heavy.

E. Buzz Miller: Well, of course.. but, back then, that’s the way they liked them. You know.

Christie Christina: Oh. [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a gathering in the woods ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, here’s another one, painted by the same guy – Titian. He painted these broads in 1555, so.. it’s a classic! As you can see, he was a master of lights, colors and shapes. And, uh, we blew up this picture here with a little more detail. [ holds up superimposed painting of the sole naked woman in the original painting ] What do I see there, Christie? I see something there. Do you see something there?

Christie Christina: Yes, I do! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: [ points to the woman’s pointed nipple ] Right.. there! You see? He didn’t leave a thing off, did he!

Christie Christina: [ giggles profusely ]

[ E. Buzz holds up painting of a small angel climbing onto a naked woman ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, moving on to the 17th, 18th century – I’m not sure. Uh.. this is by a French guy called . It’s called Love Disarmed, it was painted in the 17th or 18th century – who cares! It’s a timeless art classic! You know, legitimate art! You pay a fortune for them in a museum, you know? Now, these French, they started early. Just look at that little guy there. He looks like quite an operator! [ laughs ] Look like he knows what he’s doing! What do you think he’s doing there, Christie?

Christie Christina: I don’t know! [ giggles profusely ]

E. Buzz Miller: I’ll bet you don’t! [ laughs ] Okay, a couple of quickies.

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of another woods gathering ]

E. Buzz Miller: This one here is an Impressionistic piece – it’s by Manet, an Impressionist, a French guy. And this is a very famous painting – art classic – called Le Dejenoai ser Larbe. Which means, Picnic in the Woods. Now, you look close. These two guys are having lunch.. and this broad hasn’t got a stitch on! Bon appetit, boys! [ laughs ]

[ E. Buzz holds up a painting of a buxom bouse hanging from a rack behind a pair of high hell shoes ]

E. Buzz Miller: Okay, now this, this is kinda crazy. This is a futuristic surrealist painting, by another French guy – – he did this in 1947.. and I-I-I don’t know why I like this one so much, it’s kinda crazy. What do you think, Christie?

Christie Christina: Well.. it looks like something you’d buy in a novelty store.

E. Buzz Miller: Where the heck, did’ya get that? [ looking at the painting again ] Oh, I see, like one of those plastic things hanging up on the – Yeah, I see that!

Well, we’ve just about run out of time. Coming up next on Public Access Channel D: “Father Tim McCarthy’s Pause For Thought”. So, you’ll wanna watch that, okay? And, uh, we’re gonna go out now, with my personal little statue here, the Venus De Milo. [ holds up the famous statue ] A very famous sculpture that’s had its arms missing for thousands of years, but nobody seems to mind – I know I don’t! [ laughs ] This is E. Buzz Miller and Christie saying good night!

Christie Christina: Good bye! [ giggles ]

E. Buzz Miller: She is a sweetheart! [ rubs Venus de Milo’s marble nipple ]

[ camera pans away from set, zooms up to random audience member ]

[ SUPER: “Showers With Enemies” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: Miskel Spillman’s Monologue

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 8

Miskell Spillman’s Monologue

…..Buck Henry
…..Miskel Spillman

Buck Henry: Thank you. You want me to take that from you..? [ reaches for Mrs. Spillman’s fruit basket ] No.. of course not.

[ Buck addresses the audience ]

A few weeks ago, if you’ll remember, there was a contest running, called the “Anyone Can Host the Saturday Night Show” contest. There were.. many thousands of entries – 150,000, roughly – and there were five finalists that I had the privilege of presenting a few weeks ago. And the final votes were tabulated by, services provided by Ventura Associates. And tonight, by a proximate margin of 15,000 votes, I am honored and pleased to present the winner.. [ tries to take the fruit basket, but is resisted by Mrs. Spillman ] ..of the “Anyone Can Host” contest, your hostess for tonight, Mrs. Miskel Spillman!

[ wild applause from audience ]

Mrs. Spillman, I know that there are probably a number of things that you want to say to the great American audience.

Miskel Spillman: [ still high from John Belushi’s Maui Waui ] Wow! This is really weird! There’s so much happening. But it almsot seems like everything’s in slow motion. I mean.. am I making sense? Or am I blowing it? I don’t know, I can’t tell. The producer, a nice young man, told me to just flow with it and have a good time. But I didn’t really know what he meant.. until Belushi visited me in my dressing room. And the colors. Wow-ow!

Buck Henry: We’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 8

Least-Loved Bedtime Tale: The Soiled Kimono

Written by: Michael O’Donoghue

Laraine … Laraine Newman
Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue
“Fingers,” the Pianist … Cheryl Hardwick

[Sound of thunder crashing and rain pouring down as weopen on an exterior view of a brick building framed bypalm fronds. Above a broken window, a sign reads:CORAL WATERS BAR & GRILL. Through the window, we see auniformed sailor seated at a table and a bartenderstanding behind the bamboo bar wiping down thecountertop. As we slowly zoom forward through thewindow, the noises of the storm outside disappear andwe hear piano music.

We slowly zoom in on the bearded, bespectacledbartender: Mr. Mike — a thin gentleman who wears adark suit, no necktie, a shirt open at the collar anddark eyeglasses. A lit cigarillo is clenched betweenhis teeth as he wipes the bar with a cloth. On thewall behind him: numerous bottles of liquor, a fishnet, and a huge fish, stuffed and mounted.

It’s near closing time: chairs have been put up ontables and the only customer is the half-conscioussailor who hunches over his drink while smoking acigarette. The pianist, a young woman nicknamed”Fingers,” sits at a piano decorated with a plasticsilver and blue Christmas tree. She plays a slow,quiet version of “Have Yourself a Merry LittleChristmas.”

Laraine, a thin woman in a red evening gown enters thebarroom and walks unsteadily to the bar where she sitson a stool. In the background, a glowing neon signreads: MR. MIKE’S Coral Waters Cafe. Laraine, slurringher words, drunkenly addresses Mr. Mike who polishes aglass with his cloth.]

Laraine: M-Mr. Mike, I – I need a Least-LovedBedtime Tale. I need one real bad.

Mr. Mike: Sure thing, Laraine, but I’m afraidyou’re gonna have to sing for it.

Laraine: Aw, Mr. Mike, you know I can’t singany more — not since I started hitting thesauce.

Mr. Mike: Well, if you wanna hear a Least-LovedBedtime Tale, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to sing thearia from Madame Butterfly.

Laraine: Sing the aria from MadameButterfly? [looks away, distressed] I can’t singthat. I – I – I could sing “These Boots areMade for Walking.” [thinks] Or any old Nancy Sinatrasong. [desperate] Please, don’t make me sing the ariafrom Madame Butterfly, please.

Mr. Mike: Sorry, cupcake, but – no aria, nobedtime tale. That’s how it is.

Laraine: Well, in that case, I–

Mr. Mike: [abruptly, to the pianist who glancesat him] Say, “Fingers,” why don’t you accompany thelittle lady on the piano while I mix her up one of myspecial drinks, the – the one I call – [into thecamera] – the Soiled Kimono.

[“Fingers” plays and a reluctant Laraine bravelystruggles through the aria (“Un bel dì” a.k.a. “OneFine Day”), singing in a screechy, drunken voice. Asshe does, Mr. Mike casually fixes the drink on the barbeside her.]

Laraine: [sings]
One fine day, we’ll notice
A tiny smoke cloud nearing
On the sea, in the far horizon,
And then his ship appearing

[During the first few lines of the aria, asuperimposed text scrolls by:]

HOW TO MAKE A SOILED KIMONOMix 2/3 glass costly French champagneWith 1/3 glass Japanese plum wineAnd top with apaper butterfly.Laraine: [sings]
Now the mighty war ship
Slowly comes to harbor
Cannons roar a welcome
See, there, how I know it!

[Over the rest of the song, another – longer -superimposed text scrolls by:]

THE STORY OF
THE DRINK

A Japanese aviator was
angry with an unfaithful
Geisha girl.
“Take this!” he said,
flinging 2/3rds of a glass
of costly French champagne
in her face.
“And this!” he said,
flinging 1/3rd of a glass
of Japanese plum wine
in her face.
“And this!” he said,
flinging a paper butterfly
in her face.
“Why this tastes delicious!”
she exclaimed, kissed him,
and then hit him
in the lungs
with a gardening tool.
The end.

Laraine: [sings]
I’m dying of rejoicing
And then, in agitation,
He will call, he will call:
“My precious little darling,
My lovely silver goddess!”
Those loving names I will always remember
All I say will come true, you must believe me!
Love cannot be mistakened
But, there, can beat unshakened
Foreverrrrrrrrrrr!

[Laraine hits some long high notes on the last fewsyllables just as the scrolling text ends.Simultaneously, Mr. Mike tops off the Soiled Kimonowith a paper butterfly which twists and turns in theglass. Much applause. Laraine, trembling andexhausted, reaches for the drink but can barely liftit. She lowers her head. In the background, “Fingers”quietly plays “The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roastingon an Open Fire)” throughout the rest of thesketch.]

Mr. Mike: [hands the glass to Laraine] Here,drink this, kid. I – I think you’re gonna needit.

Laraine: Okay. [desperate] Now will you tell mea Least-Loved Bedtime Tale, please? [puts her hand onhis] Y-you promised.

Mr. Mike: Well, I’m afraid not, dollface.

Laraine: [distressed] Butwhy?

Mr. Mike: Because you sang lousy, that’s why.’Cause you don’t deserve a “Least-Loved BedtimeTale.”

Laraine: [on the verge of tears] Oh, Mr. Mike,you’re so cruel!

Mr. Mike: Well – [Laraine sobs] – sometimes ya- you have to be cruel, Laraine.

Laraine: [thinks she understands, looks up athim] In order to be kind, Mr. Mike?

Mr. Mike: No, in – in order to be even crueler.Now, scram. Put an egg in your shoe and beat it. It’sclosing time.

[Mr. Mike turns away from Laraine who looks at thepaper butterfly in her drink and twirls it in herfingers. After a pause, she asks Mr. Mike:]

Laraine: Do – do you eat the butterfly?

[Mr. Mike turns to stare at Laraine for a long, longmoment as the camera pulls back and away. Finally, heturns his back to her and looks around for a clothwith which to wipe down the liquor bottles behind him.Applause. We pull slowly back to reveal the nowunconscious sailor slumped face down at his table. Wepull all the way back through the broken window to endon the same exterior view of the building with whichwe began. Sounds of thunder and rain. Fadeout.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: Drunken Santa

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 8

Drunken Santa

Santa … Bill Murray
Girl … Gilda Radner

[A little girl sits on a department store Santa’s lap.Santa laughs.]

Girl: Mr. Santa?

Santa: Yes, my dear?

Girl: For Christmas, could I have a Busy BrendaMystery Action Vacuum Cleaner Doll?

Santa: Nope. Sorry.

Girl: Well, Mr. Santa, could I please have thebattery-operated Dog Family?

Santa: Noooo.

Girl: Well, could I please have a Flexy the PocketMonkey?

Santa: No, you may not have a Flexy the Pocket Monkey!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I have a Ready Ranger FieldSet?

Santa: Nope, no Field Set. But, you know, I’ll tellya, there’s something I WILL give you. Santa’s TrapDoor! Ha! [Santa spreads his legs and the girl tumblesto the floor] Whoa! One of Santa’s oldest bits! And heloves it!

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mister–

Santa: You fell for it, stupid! What else don’t youwant?

Girl: Well–

Santa: Or want – want and just can’t have!

Girl: Mr. Santa, could I please have some Clay-Doh?

Santa: Oh ho, you want Clay-Doh?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Isn’t that adorable?

Girl: Yes! I just want, uh, some Clay-Doh so I cantake it and build my parents a summer house.

Santa: Enough Clay-Doh to build a summer house …

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: … for your parents?

Girl: Yeah.

Santa: Well, since that is an awful lot of Clay-Doh –and because you want it so much — I’ll just have tosay … NO! HA! I love it!

Girl: Mr. Santa, then, could I please have a set ofPez? They don’t cost very much and they’re very, verytiny, and sometimes they’re even free.

Santa: Well, that’s not a very big request forChristmas and since that’s all you want — YOU CAN’THAVE IT! OHHH! Santa’s really getting off on this! HA!Look, there is something–

Girl: Why not?

Santa: No, honey, there is something I do want to giveyou.

Girl: What’s that?

Santa: SANTA’S TRAP DOOR AGAIN!!! I LOVE IT! [Santaspreads his legs and the girl tumbles to the floor]OH! SANTA’S REALLY GETTING IT OFF! [takes a bottlefrom his pocket]

Girl: [climbs back into Santa’s lap] Mr. Santa! [offthe bottle] What’s this, Mr. Santa?

Santa: This is for the brothers that aren’t here.[takes a swig]

Girl: Is that for when you’re thirsty?

Santa: Yes, that’s right, you little brat. [pocketsthe bottle] Santa has to stay warm because he he hasto fly back to the North Pole every single day. Now,if you be a good girl, keep your trap shut and don’ttell mommy about Santa’s little bottle, I’ll bring youeverything you want. Now, here’s – here’s a candy canefor you, my dear. [gives the girl a candy cane]

Girl: Oh, thank you, Mr. Santa!

Santa: You’re welcome.

Girl: This is the nicest talk we ever had.

Santa: Ha ha! Is it?

Girl: Mr. Santa, look! There’s something on yourbeard! Right here! [puts a finger on his beard]

Santa: [looks down] Where?

Girl: [bops him in the nose] There!

Santa: Ahh!

[Girl jumps off Santa’s lap and runs away.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts: Miskel Spillman: 12/17/77: American Date the Self-Concious Association

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 8

American Date the Self-Concious Association

Man…..Bill Murray
Woman…..Gilda Radner
Spokeswoman…..Laraine Newman
Charlie Glatt…..John Belushi
Steve Larne…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: The following is a dramatic re-enactment by the American Date the Self-Concious Association.

[ dissolve to a self-concious man and woman sitting on a couch, self-concious in all areas – sniffing her arms, checking his pants zipper, checking their breath, fiudgeting on the couch as much as possible in order to avoid having to say anything ]

Man: Did you – did you say something?

Woman: I-I’m sorry.. what?

[ they continue to fidget, as we dissolve to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Acute self-conciousness can be tragic. Of course, everybody is self-concious, but not everybody is aware of it. These people are. Painfully so. So, let’s watch more closely, as they attempt to make a date for New Year’s Eve.

[ dissolve back to the couple fidgeting on the couch ]

Man: Hi, how are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

Man: Fine. How are you?

Woman: Fine, how are you?

[ a brief, awkward silence, then: ]

Together: Nice day, huh —

Man: [ chuckles ] No, no, go ahead!

Woman: No, no, no —

Man: No, no! I was gonna say, “Go ahead!”

Woman: No, you go ahead, you said —

Man: No, it’s alright. I can wait.

Woman: [ nervously ] Um.. look, uh.. uh.. just ignore me, uh.. it’s just that, a-a-as I listen to myself, I just hear myself saying, as I listen to myself, and I’m thinking to myself as I listen to myself — [ stops to laugh ] Oh! That’s the third time I’ve said, “As I listen to myself!” That’s four! I said it four times!

Man: [ chuckles with her ] Uh.. th-that’s okay, I wasn’t listening. No, no, wait! I mean I wasn’t listening to the part you didn’t want me to hear!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another ]

Man: Uh, uh.. you, uh.. you w-wouldn’t w-want to go out with me on New Year’s, would ya’? [ shakes his head ] No! Of course not!

Woman: I really w-w-wouldn’t be any fun, you’d hate it!

[ they laugh nervously, looking away from one another, as we dissolve back to the Spokeswoman ]

Spokeswoman: Pretty pathetic. These people are much too self-concious ever to get together. Which is a pity, because they have so much in common – they’re both twitching wrecks. I understand their pain, because I, too, used to be self-concious. I’ve just about licked it, except for occasaionally when there are a lot of people, uh.. [ suddenly aware of the studio audience ] ..watching me. [ a beat ] A whole lot of people watching me.. [ raises her left hand to nervously twirl her hair, then moves down to rub her nose ] They’re watching me now, aren’t they? [ keeps rubbing her nose ] Is something hanging out of my nose? [ losers her hand, smiles nervously ] It’s okay.. I’m all right! There’s no hope for a happy New Year’s for the acutely self-concious. Not unless they’re fortunate enough to meet someone so extremely obnoxious, that he or she doesn’t notice their acute self-conciousness.

[ camera pans out to reveal an extremely obnoxious man dressed in really loud, obnoxious clothing ]

Spokeswoman: On my left here, is Charlie Glatt, Secretary/Treasurer for the Society for the Extremely Obnoxious.

Charlie Glatt: Hi, how are ya’?

[ he holds out his hand to shake, but he has a joy buzzer hidden in his palm. Spokeswomnan shaes his hand and receives the zap, to Charlie’s delight ]

Charlie Glass: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Glad to be here! Glad to be anywhere! Charlie’s the name, and charm’s the game! Ha haaaa!! As an extremely obnoxious person, I used to strike out with classy broads New Year’s after New Year’s! Until one lucky day, I met this pathetic lame-o who was so acutely self-concious, she didn’t even notice how extremely obnoxious I was! [ laughs, hits his buzzer, twists his cap ]

Spokeswoman: The self-concious know who they are. But extremely obnoxious people don’t. [ Charlie continues to make noises and faces next to her ] Or else, they’d be self-concious about it. Maybe you’re unsure whether you’re obnoxious enough to date the self-concious. If so, why not drop by the League For The Brutally Tactless, and find out for yourself? We’re sorry we don’t have anybody from the Brutally Tactless League here to speak for themselves, but they refused to be in this public service message because they said it was really stupid. But we are fortunate enough to have with us, a member of the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation, Steve Larne.

[ camera pans out to reveal a stupid man dressed like a dork in a red-and-white sweater and ski cap ]

Steve Larne: [ loudly ] We don’t have money for our own TV ad! So give us money and be nice to us, and take us out for New Year’s todaaaaay!

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: This has been a message from the Acutely Self-Concious/Extremely Obnoxious Coalition in conjunction with the League For The Brutally Tactless and with a cameo by the Really Stupid People’s Amalgamation.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: The Killer Bees

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 4

The Killer Bees

Husband…..Charles Grodin
Wife…..Gilda Radner
Killer Bee #2…..Dan Aykroyd
Killer Bee Leader…..John Belushi
Killer Bee #3…..Garrett Morris
Killer Bee #4…..Bill Murray
Killer Bee #5…..Tom Schiller
Killer Bee #6…..Neil Levy

[ open on suburban living room, Husband reading a magazine as his wife enters ]

Wife: I’m getting awfully worried, honey — it’s after ten o’clock, and Stephanie isn’t home yet! I don’t think we should have let her go trick-or-treating by herself.

Husband: Oh, don’t worry. She’ll be home any minute.

Wife: I hope so… [ the doorbell rings ] Oh!

Husband: That’s probably her, right there.

Wife: Alright, you get it.

[ Husband answers the door to an oversized group of trick-or-treaters ]

Killer Bee #2: Treek-or-treat, Senor!

[ the group of disguised Bees enter ]

Killer Bee Leader: We are, uh… we are some little children in your neighborhood, uh — coming to play tricks on you, uh — for your candy!

Wife: Oh, look what CUTE costumes!

Husband: [ handing out candy ] Here’s some candy, and, uh… who has the UNICEF box?

Killer Bee Leader: We don’t have no steenkin’ UNICEF! [ he throws the candy down ] We are… THE KILLER BEES!!

[ music sting, as title card appears and the Bees remove their costumes and pull out their guns ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, confused ] Wait… wait a second, John, uh… what is this?

Killer Bee #2: Gringo! We want your pollen!

Wife: Oh, no, honey! Do what they say! They look dangerous!

Charles Grodin: W-well… we don’t have any pollen. Uh… uh… [ breaking character ] Excuse me, John, I’m sorry! W-what are these outfits you have on? Gilda, did you know they were gonna be dressed like this in the scene?

Gilda Radner: Shhh!

Charles Grodin: No, I’m really thrown. I’m sorry. Are you supposed to be some kind of animals?

[ the Bees point their guns at Grodin ]

Killer Bee #3: We are not animals! We are Killer Bees!

Killer Bee #2: [ pointing his gun ] Give us your pollen — NOW!!

[ the Killer Bees cackle with glee ]

Charles Grodin: Hey, I’m sorry. Uh… it’s just that I didn’t expect to see you in these costumes, uh… They’re terrific — but you didn’t wear them in rehearsal, and, uh… maybe you wore them at Dress, but I — but I — it just seems all different than what I’ve seen.

Killer Bee #2: [ thrusting his gun ] Why do you pretend that you have no POLLEN?!! We are not FOOLS!!

Charles Grodin: No, no, no…!

[ Wife screams ]

Charles Grodin: [ he looks at Gilda, curious ] Uh — it’s just these little things moving around on your head. I — I think it’s very distracting to the audience, uh… I mean, it’s been my experience as an actor when things move on somebody’s head, uh, the audience is gonna look at them.

Gilda Radner: Chuck. Chuck. [ pointing ] See the man over there, with the cards? They have your lines on them. Could you just say your lines?

Charles Grodin: No, I KNOW my lines! Uh — well — actually, you see, I’m reallu a little thrown in this scene. I’m sorry! I’ve really kind of lost my… I’m very, very sorry. I’ve just lost my place completely, and, uh… Look, could we take it again? Could we take those things off your heads?

John Belushi: [ breaking character ] There’s no “again”, Chuck! There’s no “again”! This is LIVE television! it’s not the movies!

Charles Grodin: Well, I realize we’re doing it live, but, uh… you know, there’s good live, and there’s bad live, and, uh… maybe we should try to do some, uh, good live. [ the cast grumble amongst themselves ] Maybe I don’t fully understand The Bees! I mean, what are you? Are you playing children… dressed up as bees…? Or are you bees who are dressed up as children who are dressed up for Halloween? Am I supposed to believe that you’re real bees? I mean… I don’t really know how to relate to he whole Bee thing! I mean, it’s… it’s cute, it’s really cute. But I-I-I… it’s, uh…

Garrett Morris: Uhhhhh… I think we’re real bees…

Bill Murray: No…

Garrett Morris: We’re supposed to be real bees…

Bill Murray: No, I think that we’re NOT real bees. We have a lot of the characteristics of bees, but we’re like people, too…

Dan Aykroyd: No, no, I disagree — I think it’s an etymological charade! We’re actually biologically, etymologically, supposed to be bees!

John Belushi: [ outraged ] What are you TALKING about?!! Are you CRAZY?!! We’re doing a SCENE here! At least, we were, until he RUINED it!

Charles Grodin: Well, listen… if only someone had mentioned that you were gonna come in as insects. You see, I wasn’t told! In the movies, we’re told EVERYTHING! There are just not these kind of surprises.

Bill Murray: Well, we wore these in the Dress Rehearsal, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Oh. Well… I-I’m very sorry I missed the Dress Rehearsal.

John Belushi: I can’t believe you’re the only host who’s ever missed the Dress Rehearsal! We had these ON!!

Charles Grodin: Well… I-I was out shopping for the gifts! Uh… the stores were closing… it was a DIRECT conflict with the Dress Rehearsal. Maybe if I had seen these costumes… I’m sure this can still work! okay, l-l-let’s take it from here! [ a couple of the cast members start to walk off stage ] W-wait a second! Wait a second, Bill! Please! Okay, look — [ he reaches into his pocket ] “Here’s come pollen,” uh… Bees… Bees. “I have some pollen for you…”

[ Belushi looks away from Grodin ]

Gilda Radner: John! John! Take the pollen, he’s the host!

John Belushi: Alright, alright… okay…

Charles Grodin: “Here’s the pollen.”

John Belushi: [ returning to character ] Uh, okay… “Uh, look, Carlos, uh… Thank you, Senor. Pollen!” [ he chuckles, as Killer Bee #5 crouches on one knee and strums his guitar ] “Senor. You saved my village. There are no pollen to put in the mouthes of our children. Our children were DYING! Our women were –” [ breaking character ] I can’t do this any more! Forget it! Wait a minute, wait… stop! [ Tom Schiller stops strumming his guitar ] I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I can’t do it. You know? I mean, it’s a JOKE! You know what I mean? I mean, I’m an ACTOR! I work hard at my CRAFT! You know? I’m here every week! You know? I’m a PRO! I’m a PROFESSIONAL!! John Belushi’s a professional, if nothing else! He does his job! He doesn’t LIKE The Bees, but he does it ANYWAY!! He does the BEST he can! You know. He does the best he can! [ the audience applauds wildly, joined in by Grodin ] Oh, my God! Look at this! [ he points at his Bee costume ] Look at this! Look! You know — but, YOU! [ he points at Grodin ] Yuo have no experience! I mean… you ruined the opening monologue, you Ruined my Samurai! okay? And now you’re ruining this scene! You don’t even know WHY you’re on the show! You have no idea!

Charles Grodin: L-look… I’m sorry! I’m really sorry. I should have been here more this week, I realize that. It’s just that it was either miss the Dress Rehearsal or not get the gifts. It was a direct conflict…

John Belushi: Hey — this is no game, Chuck! [ he begins to distract Grodin by making his antennae bounce in circles ] This is not a GAME! I mean, you know… you know… I mean, this is my ART! It’s ART to me! [ Grodin is now mesmerized by the bouncing antennae ] You know? And “Saturday Night” is IT for me, this is it! You know… I mean, it’s important to me! [ Grodin nods, his eyes focused on the bouncing antennae ] And I think… I think that I… I think I speak for everyone here and everyone in this cast, when I say… when I say to you… [ he cocks his gun ] YOU… are the lamest host we’ve EVER had!

[ Belushi leads the cast off the set to thunderous applause ]

John Belushi: Let’s get out of here! Get out of here!

Bill Murray: [ to Brodin ] You’re a parasite!

[ Grodin remains on stage with Gilda Radner ]

Charles Grodin: What a POWERFUL presence he has! You know, what a guy!

Gilda Radner: Chuck, can I talk to you for a second?

Charles Grodin: You know, in the right skit… those costumes would have been SENSATIONAL!

Gilda Radner: Look… look, Chuck… someone has got to tell you this.

Charles Grodin: Yes?

Gilda Radner: You have got to take control, if you’re gonna host the show!

Charles Grodin: What do you mean, Gilda? I-I am hosting the show! You talk like it’s in the… we’re on the air now! This is LIVE, right?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, yeah, I know. I know. But, look — you have just got to take CONTROL, or you’re gonna be cut completely out of the show!

Charles Grodin: [ dumbfounded ] I could be cut?

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Charles Grodin: I’m the host.

Gilda Radner: Yeah.

Charles Grodin: I thought it was… I thought it was going fairly well.

Gilda Radner: I-I-I gotta quick-change.

Charles Grodin: Yeah.

[ Gilda exits the stage ]

Charles Grodin: [ glancing upward ] Lorne? Lorne, this isn’t going to affect my song, is it? I mean, the Bee thing ran a little long, it’s not gonna… eat into the time for my song, Lorne, is it?

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Chuck, I-I’m afraid it does. Uh… uh… it really looks now like the song is cut.

Charles Grodin: Lorne! Lorne, this is my own composition! It tells how I feel about life!

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Uh — uh — I’m very, very sorry, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Gee, I… well, what should I do now?

Voice of Lorne Michaels: Could you just say that we’ll be right back?

Charles Grodin: [ beaten ] “We’ll be right back.”

[ the audience applauds, as Grodin shirks off the stage past the other cast members ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Economy Class Ego Trips” ]

[ fade ]

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SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: Return of the Coneheads

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 4

Return of the Coneheads

Connie Conehead…..Laraine Newman
Prymaat Conehead…..Jane Curtin
Beldar Conehead…..Dan Aykroyd
Carl van Arsdale…..Bill Murray
Sharlene van Arsdale…..Gilda Radner

[ open on interior, Conehead living room ]

[ Connie Conehead, wearing tall, pointy witch hat and carrying jack-o-lantern,enters and sits on the couch. She removes the witch hat to reveal her cone. ]

[ SUPER: “Return of the Coneheads” ]

[ doorbell rings – Prymaat enters from kitchen, picks up six-pack of beer andfried eggs from an end table ]

Prymaat Conehead: Aagghhh! The little humans, when will they cease?[ answers doors ]

Kids: Trick or treat?

Prymaat Conehead: [ sarcastic ] Oh, my. Your costumes are sofrightening. Here. Accept these treats. [ thrusts the beer and fried eggsinto their bags, then slams the door shut ]

Connie Conehead: Mommy, I must split to join my human friends andtheir Halloween activities.

Prymaat Conehead: Activities?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! An ancient human ritual. Theemersion of the cone into a fluid bath, while attempting to grasp bouyantfruit with a major orifice.

Prymaat Conehead: Unacceptable! Unacceptable!

Connie Conehead: But, Mom..

Prymaat Conehead: [ standing ] Beldar!

Beldar Conehead: [ marches into the living room, gruff ] Prymaat.Why have you summoned me from the sleep chamber? It is onlythe 55th hour of my Megmazome Storage Stage.

Prymaat Conehead: Our young cone wishes to perform apple bobbing.

Beldar Conehead: Apple bobbing?

Prymaat Conehead: Apple bobbing.

Connie Conehead: Apple bobbing! A Halloween ritual!

Beldar Conehead: Oh, Connie, I want no knowledge of this humanactivity. Halloween, a miserable Earth festival. It is regrettable thatthe High Master demanded that we return to this planet. On our home planet, Remulak, at this moment, all cones are celebrating the Harvest Under theMoons of Mipzor. Now, that’s a party! All the gellato spirots will beharvested and smoked.

Connie Conehead: So what? Big deal!

Prymaat Conehead: The Harvest of Mipzor, long ago, was when I firstsaw Beldar’s cone. How young and strong he looked as he pursued andcaptured the greased garfok, which was roasted for all to consume.

Beldar Conehead: This miserable Earth festival is nothing but aritual costume fantasy for the young ones, who move through the nightdemanding small consumables.

[ the doorbell rings again, as they all scream ]

Prymaat Conehead: The little humans. Beldar, go brief them anddispense the consumables.

Beldar Conehead: [ opens door to two adults ] Greetings. Enter.Accept these treats – beer and fried eggs.

Prymaat Conehead: Aren’t you humans a little old for this sort of thing?

Carl van Arsdale: Well, we’re not trick-or-treating. I’m Carl vanArsdale, and this is my wife Sharlene. We’re Block Parents, here at ParkwoodHeights.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. I know your family’s just moved into the neighborhood, and I’m sorry we had to meet under thse circumstances.. Idon’t know where you people are from, but we at Parkwood Heights do notgive licquor to minors!

Carl van Arsdale: Yes, we were extremely upset to find six-packs ofbrewski in the children’s trick-or-treat bags. Now, we are seriouslyconsidering reporting this to the police, Mr…?

Beldar Conehead: Conehead! I am Beldar. This is Prymaat, and ouryoung one, Connie.

Prymaat Conehead: We’re from France!

Carl van Arsdale: Oh. You’re from France? Well, that couldexplain part of it. I know that in France, children start drinking at anearlier age..

Connie Conehead: Correct! Correct! We apologize for causing youthis anxiety. My parental units were merely attempting to.. conformto the Halloween rites.

Prymaat Conehead: We will cease dispensing the canned consumables.It is permissable to dispense fried chicken embryos?

Sharlene van Arsdale: Chicken embryos?

Carl van Arsdale: Fried eggs, honey.

Sharlene van Arsdale: Fried eggs as treats? Well.. I guessit’s alright..

Beldar Conehead: We invite you to stay with us. We will honor yourHalloween ritual by paying homage to the symbolic vegetable orb.

[ the Coneheads surround the jack-o-lantern on the coffee table ]

Carl van Arsdale: Hey, uh.. no thanks. We already had a few piecesof vegetable orb pie!

Sharlene van Arsdale: Yes. Bye bye! Happy Halloween! We loveyour costumes.

Carl van Arsdale: Yeah.

[ the van Arsdales exit ]

Connie Conehead: Humans. They’re not essentially party organisms.

Beldar Conehead: Correct. Shall we begin?

[ the three of them bite into the jack-o-lantern, enjoying their Halloween feast ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: Consumer Probe

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 4

Consumer Probe

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

Joan Face: Good evening. I’m Joan Face, welcome to “Consumer Probe”.Well, Monday night on All Hallow’s Eve, there’ll be a lot of witches, ghostsand goblins roaming the streets trying to give us all a traditional Halloweenfright. But what really frightens us here at “Consumer Probe” is theincreasing number of injuries, and even fatalities, caused each year byunsafe Halloween costumes for children. For instance.. [ holds up plasticskeleton costume ] ..this little skeleton costume looks cute and harmless,but in fact it’s coated by a highly flammable paint.

[ cut to full shot, showing Irwin Mainway seated to Joan’s right ]

My guest tonight is Mr. Irwin Mainway, President of Mainway Novelties, andChairman of the Board of Mainway Latex Corporation. Mr. Mainway, you areclearly the main flagrant offender in this area. For instance, your companymanufactures and distributes this Halloween costume.. [ picks it upand holds it ] ..Johnny Space Commander mask, which retails for $6.95. It’snothing more than a plastic bag and a rubber band. This is verydangerous for young children!

Irwin Mainway: [ grabs the costume ] Okay, I’m gonna say somethingabout my product right here, Johnny Space Commander mask. I want to say,first of all, it’s a very fluid item, in terms of sales. I don’t know,Miss Face, if you’re familiar with the movie “Star Wars”? Well, this moviehas generated a tremendous amount of popularity and enthusiasm about spaceand science fiction. [ rips open the costume packaging ] This Johnny SpaceCommander mask here is a pure fantasy toy. I mean, you know, kids can havea lot of fun with a toy like this, you know? Let me show you.. [ puts theplastic bag over his head, then wraps the rubber band around it ] “Hello,hello, this is Johnny Space Commander. I’m in deep space, I’m gonna landthe rocket now!” You see what I mean? [ takes off the plastic bag ] Yousee what I mean? It’s a pure fantasy toy!

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway, if you don’t think that was unsafe,how about this Halloween costume, which you market under the label”Invisible Pedestrian”? [ holds up the costume ] It’s an all blacksuit, gloves and mask. Now, it seems to me, Mr. Mainway, a childwearing this costume at night to go trick-or-treating is in grave dangerof being hit by a car!

Irwin Mainway: Car? What do you mean “car”, Miss Face? I mean, acar is a pretty big object, right? I mean, kids are smart today, you know?They know when a car is coming at ’em to jump out of the way. I mean, mostof the kids I know go trick-or-treating at houses, right? You don’tsee too many kids walking along the expressway knocking on windshieldslooking for treats. This is a “sidewalk” costume!

Joan Face: A “sidewalk” costume?

Irwin Mainway: Yeah! I mean, you know, we don’t recommend this forblind kids. See, there’s a warning right on the label – “InvisiblePedestrian, Not For Blind Kids.” [ turns packaging around to show thiswarning in big bold letters ] Huh?

Joan Face: Alright, Mr. Mainway. But surely even you cansee the danger in this next costume, which you call Johnny Combat ActionCostume. This is an actual working rifle!

Irwin Mainway: An M-1, yeah.

Joan Face: I mean, this is a deadly weapon, and you’reselling it to children!

Irwin Mainway: The ammo’s not included. I mean, this is a verypopular item, you know? Give the kid a little something extra! Fieldglasses, a little helmet there, the gun, you know, it makes ’em feel likea real general! I mean, this product is very popular in Texas and Detroit!

Joan Face: What about this? [ holds up new costume ] JohnnyHuman Torch? It’s a bag of oily rags and a lighter!

Irwin Mainway: This happens to be a favorite of mine, because it’s alow-price Halloween costume. [ tears it open ] It’s really one of the moreexciting ones. You take the rags, you just pin ’em on there like a hobo,you know? And then flame on, lights up the night! It’s a beautifulcostume, I think.

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, I am shocked at your irresponsibleattitude! I think we can all see that your Halloween costumes are unsafeand should rightfully be banned from the market!

Irwin Mainway: Now, wait a second, hold it! You’re picking on thesebecause you’re saying these costumes are unsafe! Well, I’m gonna tell yousomething – any item of clothing can be proven unsafe! Anything!What you’re wearing, what I’m wearing! I’ve got this tie on -nice tie, nice thin tie.. alright, I’m driving along in my convertible, anice gust of wind comes up.. [ he lifts his tie, shoves it into his face andfeigns choking ] I could choke to death, you know? I mean, really! Icould put it in my mouth – I could swallow my whole shirt!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway? You are a very sleazy man. [ turns to thecamera ] I’m afraid that’s all the time we have..

Irwin Mainway: Hold on, hold on! You see this jacket here?[ removes his jacket ] This is a rayon-polyester jacket..

Joan Face: ..tune in next week. Have a happy and safe Halloween.

Irwin Mainway: ..I’ll show you something, this could go up in flamesjust like that! [ lights his jacket on fire, as the flames rise ]Look at that! Look at that!

[ show fades black, as Mainway jumps in front of the camera ]

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SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: The “Anyone Can Host” Contest

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 3: Episode 4

The “Anyone Can Host” Contest

…..Bill Murray
…..Michael O’Donoghue

[ open on Bill Murray and Michael O’Donoghue reading through the “Anyone Can Host” postcard submissions ]

Bill Murray: Hi, gang! Bill Murray here. Mr. Mike and I are hard at work.

Michael O’Donoghue: Poor penmanship… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: Uh — we’re checking the entries for our “Anyone Can Host” contest. Now, many people don’t believe there’s a contest — but there IS! There really is! Really!

Michael O’Donoghue: It has smudge on the corner… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] And the contest deadline is November 1st. That’s Monday night at midnight, so you’ve GOTTA send these cards in! Really! [ he pounds the desk ] Now, here’s the rules: Tell us on a postcard — NOT A LETTER!! — a POSTCARD!!

Michael O’Donoghue: Uneven margins… [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] In 25 words or less, why YOU’D like to host “Saturday Night”.

Michael O’Donoghue: Typing error. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: FIVE finalists — FIVE!! — will be chosen to read their postcards on the air, November 19th. And the winner will host our Christmas show, December 17th.

Michael O’Donoghue: Oh, this is funny, Bill — let’s keep this one. [ he puts the postcard aside ]

Bill Murray: You’ll be flown out, put up a week at the Essex House, meet and party with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, AND get paid $3,000 for it! Mike, how you coming with those postcards?

Michael O’Donoghue: [ counting ] …24, 25, 26. Whoops! This one’s one word over. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to qualify this one, Bill. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: Oh, gee! Look — Lorne Michaels is willing to take a chance on an unknown, just like he did with me! Heck! This time, next year, you could have my job!

[ Mr. Mike tears another postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: All you have to do is send your postcard to this address:

[ dissolve to slide ]

Announcer:
“Anyone Can Host
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019″

Remember: Relatives or persons employed by NBC, RCA, or any of their companies are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.

[ cut back to Bill and Mr. Mike ]

Michael O’Donoghue: Unattractive stamp. [ he tears the postcard in half ]

Bill Murray: [ he groans with disgust ] Well, good luck, and I mean it! Now, get out of here! Go mail those postcards, you knucklehead! I mean it, get OUT of here! [ he tosses postcards at the camera ]

[ fade ]