Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Professional School Of Football

Spokesman…..Garrett Morris

[ open on green-screen graphic people standing around the city ]

[ Spokesman dissolves over the scene ]

Spokesman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere, do-nothing job? Well, if so — this is YOUR opportunity… to start an exciting new career in the world of professional football, by enrolling NOW in the Professional School of Football.

[ Professional School of Football slide appears on green-screen ]

Professional football players make BIG money! They sign lucrative contracts for endorsing products on television, they are famous, and they get to go out with BEAUTIFUL movie stars and stewardesses! Mmm-hmm. Oh! And they eat BIG steaks, man! Now, we’re not saying that anyone can be a pro ball player. You’ve GOT to have the natural talent… [ he holds up test booklet ] AND you can take this easy test to see if you have an exciting career waiting YOU… in professional football. Now, here’s two sample questions here:

[ over green screen ] Now — complete this sentence:

“When The Going Gets Tough, The Tough Get…

A) Going
B) Cranky
C) Groin Injuries

You’ll be surprised how many people say C. BUT — if you said A) “The Tough Get Going”, then you have the mentality it takes to be a pro football player!

Now, try this question:

You are the quarterback, it is Third Down and Fifteen. Do You:

A) Pass
B) Complain
Or C) Sustain a Groin Injury?

You’ll be surprised how many people say C). But, if you said A) “Pass”, then you have what we call “Football Savvy.”

[ return to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: When you enroll at the Professional School of Football, you’ll learn EVERY aspect of the game. Such as OFFENSE… and DEFENSE… and how to keep score! And all by MAIL! You’ll learn words like: “RED DOG”… “BLITZ”… and “GROIN INJURY”.

Send for your FREE test booklet to:

[ dissolve to SUPER card ]

Professional School of FootballBox 32Knee Brace, Wyoming 14004

[ dissolve back to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: See you at Baxter Street!

[ dissolve to audience balcony shot, zoom in on Charles Grodin staring confusedly into the camera as he applauds, with SUPER: “This Week’s Host!” ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Simon & Garfunkel

…..Charles Grodin
…..Paul Simon
…..Art Garfunkel

[ open on Paul Simon strumming his guitar onstage next to Charles Grodin, who’s wearing an obvious Art Garfunkel wig ]

[ Simon begins to sing “The Sound of Silence”, as Grodin clumsily tries to keep up ]

Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain…”

[ Simon stops playing and turns to Grodin ]

Paul Simon: Can I ask you a question?

Charles Grodin: Sure.

Paul Simon: Why are we doing this?

Charles Grodin: Well… you know, they cut my film clip way down. And I really don’t feel I have all that much to do on the show, so I-I-I-I’d really apprecia– Could we just… a little…?

[ Simon reluctantly strums his guitar and continues to sing, with Grodin struggling to keep up and get most of the words right ]

Paul Simon & Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a street lamp
I turn my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash…”

[ Simon stops once again ]

Paul Simon: Chuck, you don’t even know the lyrics!

Charles Grodin: Well… I really — I’m learning them as we’re going.

Paul Simon: Chuck, this is live television. This is not the time to be learning.

Charles Grodin: I — I’m much more familiar with what’s coming up. Could we just, a little… a little more?

[ Simon begins to strum his guitar, but then quickly stops ]

Paul Simon: You know… and another thing — the wig! Why are you wearing this wig? It looks like an Art Garfunkel wig.

Charles Grodin: Oh, it is an Art Garfunkel wig.

Paul Simon: But why?

Charles Grodin: Well… I-I-I just thought it would help me get into it a little better.

Paul Simon: It’s very disquieting, to me, to see out of the corner of my eye, these blond, curly hairs singing this song.

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ he hangs his head in shame ]

Paul Simon: You know, Chuck, I must say this — you are a very well-known actor… you’re a director…

Charles Grodin: And writer.

Paul Simon: — You’re a writer… as well… and I don’t see why you feel that you must sing.

Charles Grodin: Well… clearly, clearly, I’ve made you uncomfortable, and I —

Paul Simon: Well, no, no…

Charles Grodin: No, and this is obviously an idea whose…

Paul Simon: Time has not come?

Charles Grodin: Has not come.

Paul Simon: Not come. No.

Charles Grodin: Well — listen, I’m sorry. You know? As the host, I should be trying to make you comfortable, and I’ve made you uncomfortable.

Paul Simon: No, that’s alright… don’t mention it. [ he unplugs his guitar ] And I think that the time you save now, could be put to much better use later on in the show.

Charles Grodin: Well…

Paul Simon: [ he stands ] So…

Charles Grodin: Thank you for putting up with me as long as you did.

Paul Simon: Oh… [ he pats Grodin on the shoulder ]

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen — Mr. Paul Simon!

[ the audience applauds wildly as Simon walks away ]

Charles Grodin: [ to the house band ] Uh… would you hit the intro that, uh…?

[ the band strikes up “Bridge Over Troubled Water”, which Grodin sings badly off-key ]

Charles Grodin: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling smallWhen tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them allWhoooooooooooo!”

Charles Grodin: Um… I’ll tell you — is that the right key? I guess it is the right key, too. Uh… could I hear that back… uh, Lorne? Could I just hear that back? I’m…

[ the vocals are played back, as Grodin listens to them carefully ]

Charles Grodin V/O: [ singing ]
“When you’re weary… feeling small
When tears are in… your eyes
I will dry them all
Whoooooooooooo!”

Charles Grodin: [ glancing down the stage, surprised ] Oh… Art!

[ Art Garfunkel steps up, to thunderous applause ]

Charles Grodin: It’s great, it’s great to see you! Uh, listen, Art, I didn’t know you were here! I would never…

Art Garfunkel: What are you doing?

Charles Grodin: I… Well, see — I had a film clip in the show, and it was cut way down. I never would have done this if you…

Art Garfunkel: Chuck, hand it over!

[ Grodin sheepishly pulls off his Garfunkel wig and hands it over ]

Charles Grodin: I’m sorry. I’m sorry. i’m really sorry.

Art Garfunkel: Thanks, Chuck.

[ Garfunkel walks off the stage, as Grodin sheepishly follws him ]

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Goodnights

…..Charles Grodin

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you, everybody, uh, you’ve been a wonderful audience. As you see, this is just kidding. Right, John?

John Belushi: Yeah, I was spacing out, man…

Charles Grodin: Sure! Yeah, right — just a joke! Thank you to Paul, and to Art, and to… and to, uh… [ looks behind him to see whose hands are wrapped around his waist, as Laraine Newman pops her head out from behind his back ] And to Laraine, and, uh, everybody, and the Persuasions. And you’ve been a wonderful audience, it’s been a terrific night for us!

Announcer: Next Saturday night, watch NBC’s “Weekend with Lloyd Dobbin”. We’ll be back two weeks from tonight, November 12th, when our host will be Ray Charles with guest Franklin Ajaye. Don’t forget to set your clocks back. This is Don “Trick or Treat” Pardo with my annual Halloween message to America: “BOO!!” Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Hire the Incompetent

…..Charles Grodin
Bag Boy…..Bill Murray
Air Traffic Controller…..Laraine Newman
Rosanne Rosannadanna…..Gilda Radner
…..Lorne Michaels

[FADE IN on Charles Grodin alone from the waist up against a rosy purple background.]

Charles Grodin: I’m here to speak to you tonight on behalf of a discriminated people who you deal with daily, but who you don’t hear much about. I’m speaking, of course, of the incompetent.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: Every year, thousands and thousands of perfectly nice, incompetent people are fired from their jobs merely because they lack the qualities to do these jobs well. And why? Why should someone who is already good at their job win out over someone who is poor at theirs? Effective workers don’t need the job. They already know how to do it. If they’re such hot stuff, why don’t they try doing something they’re bad at? How will society ever grow if people are just hired to do what they already do well? Just listen to these heartbreaking testamonies.

[CUT to a man in a sweater vest.]

Man: [in heavy Chicago accent] Um, I worked at this supermarket, packing groceries in the brown bags for customers… and I kept putting fragiles, like eggs and tomatoes, on the bottom… and, uh, heavy stuff, like ten-pound bags of kitty litter, and economy-sized cans of bean–beans on the top… and heavy stuff would CRUSH the soft stuff, y’know, just smash it. And the slime would drip out the bottom of the bag, and spill all over these ladies’ good coats… and they’d get really cheesed off and complain about me. But that’s just the way my mind works, y’know: eggs bottom, cans top. And y’know, if that’s such a crime, go ahead–PUT me on welfare.

[CUT to a woman in a sweater and a blouse.]

Woman: I used to work as an air traffic controller at Kennedy… and it was my job to watch the radar screen and radio landing instructions to the pilots, like… [chuckles] …Ray, and Jim, Lyle, and Derek.

[laughter]

Woman: And like, if you could have SEEN these guys, I mean, they were SO CUTE! And like there was this one time, there’s this really big storm, and Dirk, this pilot I was seeing at the time, who was only SO FINE… uh, he yells at me over the headset, “Where’s the runway?” And I said, “Where were you Saturday night?”

[laughter]

Woman: So he makes this B.F.D. with the FAA, and I get fired!

[CUT to Rosanne Rosannadanna, in her first incarnation. She wears her trademark frizzy hair and a flowered blouse.]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: I. uh… I was fired from my job makin’ burgers in the back kitchen at Burgerland… because a lotta customers complained’ about hair in their burgers.

[laughter and applause]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: Now… I could take it when the boss would ask, “How do ya make ’em, like this?”

[She sticks her right hand in her left armpit. Audience laughs riotously.]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: LOOK! I’m no jerk, I wouldn’t do that. It was hair–it was HEAD hair, it wasn’t PIT hair.

[laughter]

Rosanne Rosannadanna: What was I supposed ta do, wear a bathin’ cap ta work? Hah, hah, hah! Besides… there’s a lot worse things that could be in burgers.

[She sticks her finger in her ear as the audience chortles. CUT back to Grodin watching in disbelief over laughter and applause.]

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh… Isn’t this a pathetic waste of ineptitude? Believe me, I know how they feel. Look at me. They hired me as host, and you couldn’t exactly call me competent–wait, I’ve never seen these cue cards before.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: I’d never be saying these things about myself, or anyone incompetent. Gee, y’know, it’s perfectly clear by now that no one really appreciates the time I put in at the sweater counter at Saks alone. Lorne? Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: [over intercom] Yes, Chuck?

Charles Grodin: I–this is–to talk about incompetent, this taste thing, this is a perfect spot for me to do my song. I don’t see why… Is there some time?

Lorne Michaels: I think there may be enough time. Go ahead, Chuck.

Charles Grodin: Okay. Now this is–bring a little, you know.

[sings a capella]

“Help a person, be a friend,Hang on till the very end,A car, TV, some cake, a wife,These are my feelings about life.”

[applause]

Charles Grodin: Thank you.

Lorne Michaels: That was wonderful, Chuck. Thank you.

Charles Grodin: Thank you. Thank you, Lorne. Thank you.

[SUPERIMPOSE “HIRE THE INCOMPETENT” over a quietly pleased Grodin.]

Don Pardo: Hire the incompetent.

[Grodin peers around the caption and gazes into the audience. FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Judy Miller

Judy Miller…..Gilda Radner
Judy’s Mom…..Jane Curtin

[Judy opens her door but is still facing downstairs.]

Judy: OK BUT AS SOON AS YOUR BRIDGE GAMES OVER I’M COMING DOWN STAIRS!

[Slams door. Then opens door again.]

Judy: I DIDNT MEAN TO SLAM IT!

[Slams door again. Leans agains door.]

Judy: I AM SO BORED! BECAUSE… [jumps forward] MY [jumps forward] ROOM [jumps forward and throws bag] IS [jumps forward] THE [jumps forward]BORING [jumps forward] ROOM [jumps forward] OF [jumps closer to bed] THE [jumps back on bed] WORLD!

Judy: [flings head about] this is my room and this is my house and this is my lawn and this is my lawn and my street and this is my steet and this is my town and this is my country and this is my planet earth and this is my [flings herself so her head is hanging off the side of the bed] i universe and this is my i dont know A-lalalalalala.

Judy: [gettting off bed and onto floor by stuffed animals and tea set] AND NOW ITS TIME FOR THE JUDY MILLER SHOW! [Singing] OH ITS THE SHOW OF THE WAY ITS THE SHOW OF THE DAY AND I AM IN YES I AM AND ITS THE SHOW OF YOUR LIFE ITS THE JUDY MILLER SHOW! AND NOW PRESENTING [leaps onto bed] THE STAR OF THE SHOW [jumps off bed and over to her dresser puts big white skirt on head while going “dunt dunta dunta..] THE PERSON WHO IS ALSO A BRIDE! NAMED JUDY ARLEEN MILLER! [climbs back on bed] HELLO! I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PERSON IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD [she walks in circles on her bed while saying this] YES I AM THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BRIDE THE EXPESSIALLY EVERYBODY LOVES IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD [when she says world she jumps back on to her pillow]. AND HERE COMES MY HUSBAD [picks up stuffed donkey in overalls and makes him gallop towrds her]

Judy: [speaking as stuffed animal] Would you marry me? [as self] oh [giggles] yes. [as stuffed animal] OH DARLING [she kisses the toy and rolls around on the bed while kissing it][pulls self away] AND WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS WORD FROM OUR SPONSER! [climbs down off bed, pulls the skirt off her head and moves over to stuffed animals with tea set] [grabs cracker] THIS IS THE FOOD THAT IS REALLY THE GOOD FOOD THAT IS REALLY DELISIOUS AND NUTRISIOS [stuffs cracker in stuffed animals mouth] AND IS SO SMOOTH AND CREAMY[eats cracker] MMM GOOD! HERES THE THING THAT IS SOO SMOOTH AND CREAMY THAT EVERYBODY LOVES AND SO YOU SHOULD GET IT! AND NOW BACK TO THE SHOW!

Judy: [jumps on bed] THIS IS A SHOW ABOUT A PERSON THAT IS JUMPING UP SO HIGH CAN SHE [cant hear what she says] CAN SHE TOUCH THE SKY! [stops jumping] AND NOW PRESENTING [jumps off bed and into closet where she ties a robe around her so it looks like a dress and going “dunt dunta dunta”. she comes out of her closet] PRESENTING… THE VERY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FRANCE [speaks french gibirsh crawls over bed and over to the tea set] BUT WHAT THE QUEEN DOESNT KNOW IS THAT WHOS COMING IS THE VERY WICKED QUEEN OF GERMANY. QUEEN [german giberish] AND HERE SHE COMES [in german accent] I AM GOING TO KILL YOU RIGHT NOW! [gets up. as queen of france] NO NO NO NO DONT KILL MY FAMILY [leaps into door] AH! WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO INDIA! [runs back into door] AH! WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO FRACE! [runs back into door] NO WE’LL HAVE TO RUN TO BOLIVIA! [runs into door] NO! AH! [ext. she keep running into the door then jumps onto bed and jumps up and down] AHH!

Judy’s Mom: JUDY! WHAT IS GOING ON UP THERE?

Judy: [sits up] Nothing… [quietly goes over to tea set and wispers] this is the show about a person who is also a wonderful bunderful BALLET DANCER! [gets up and twirls around room] YES SHE IS A BALLET DANCER! DA DA DA DA DA DA!

Judy’s Mom: JUDY BE QUIET!

[Judy stops and leans over bed to her stuffed animals]

Judy: On the Judy Miller Show… the end.

[Judy falls down.]

Submitted by: Erin Nielsen

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Charles Grodin’s Monologue

…..Charles Grodin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Grodin!

Charles Grodin: Thank you very much. [ nervously ] I-I-I didn’t know that there would be an audience here. How many of you know that this is LIVE? [ the audience laughs, then claps enthusiastically ] You know… I-I’ve never seen the “Saturday Night” show… but, uh… I hear it’s a wonderful, wonderful show! Uh — I wish I had more time during the week to rehearse, and… really work on all the skits with the gang here, but… how can you come to New York and… and not see at least a couple of Broadway shows? And… I had NEVER been to the top of the World Trade Center, and, uh… you know, it’s higher than the Empire State Building? It takes FOREVER to get to the top, but you can see all of New York, and, uh… a lot of New Jersey… I think even part of Connecticut. It’s a TREMENDOUS view! So, uh… I-I haven’t been around too much this week, but, uh… I think they’ve got me in some CRAZY skits, and, uh… while I’ve been here doing some promos for the show, I-I’ve seen the kids rehearsing, and, uh… i-it looks like a really cute show! Uh — I’m gonna have a wonderful time, and, uh… I hope you do, too! Uh — w-we’ll be right back? [ he nods nervously and shrugs ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Samurai Dry Cleaners

Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi
Female Customer…..Gilda Radner
Male Customer…..Charles Grodin

[ open on interior, dry cleaners, Futaba standing behind open press ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of…

[ Futaba slams the press down and yells as steam pours out ]

Announcer: “Samurai Dry Cleaner”.

[ Futaba holds up the pressed obi and admires his work, as a couple enters ]

Female Customer: Uh — excuse me, uh — we’re here to pick up our shirts? You said you’d have them ready by today.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: Oh, uh, yes — Dear, do you have the ticket?

Male Customer: Uh — yes. [ he reaches into his pocket ] Here.

Female Customer: There yo go.

Futaba: Ah!

[ Futaba glances at the ticket, then begins to thrust his samurai sword at a rackful of clothes hanging ]

Charles Grodin: [ breaking character, impressed ] Look how he handles the sword.

Gilda Radner: Yeah. Shhhhh.

[ Futaba grunts as he crooks the shirt on the sword and carries it to the counter ]

Female Customer: Oh, that’s wonderful! You did a great job! [ she looks over the shirt ] Oh, wait a minute, look at that spot.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Right there! Look at that! I mean, you said you could get that out!

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Female Customer: I mean, you PROMISED! I was COUNTING on it!

[ Futaba screams and holds his hari-kari in front of his chest ]

Female Customer: NO, NO, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE!!

[ Futaba holds his pose and looks up at her with a worried expression on his face ]

Female Customer: It’s not that important!

[ Futaba pulls the sword away and wipes his brow in relief ]

Futaba: [ grunts a question ]

Female Customer: Oh, yeah, that’s a great idea! We’d love it in a box!

Charles Grodin: [ leaning in ] How do you understand what he’s saying?

Gilda Radner: Shhhh!

[ Futaba chuckles, then grabs the shirt and a disassembled box, throws them into the air and thrusts his sword at them with a yell. He then reaches behind the counter to pick up a giftwrapped box with the shirt inside. ]

Charles Grodin: [ studying the scene ] That was pre-arranged, wasn’t it?

Gilda Radner: Shhhhh!

Futaba: Hmm?

Charles Grodin: No, I mean, it had to be. You had to have it propped down there, because… it’s a GREAT gag, but it had to be placed down there and brought up to you, right?

[ Grodin retreats as Radner and Belushi give him dirty looks before proceeding with the scene ]

Female Customer: Um — listen — I’d like to know, how much do you charge for bedspreads?

Charles Grodin: Uhhhh… [ he attempts to read Belushi’s line on the cue cards ]

Gilda Radner: Chuuuuuck! Chuck! Those are John’s lines!

Charles Grodin: Oh. [ reading ] “John”. Oh, I’m sorry. You know, John, it’s such an INCREDIBLE character that… I’m sorry! You’re very, very good at this character! It’s just that… it’s terrific make-up, it’s very authentic. Excuse me. I’m sorry. Go ahead.

Gilda Radner: [ to Belushi, as her character ] Thank you. Thank you very much. [ she turns to Grodin ] Come on. Let’s go, Chuck.

Futaba: [ grunts ]

Charles Grodin: It’s a funny idea, John. It’s an excellent scene.

Gilda Radner: Come on, let’s go…

[ Radner shuffles Grodin out the door, as a disgusted Futaba raises his sword and slices the counter in two ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for another episode of… “Samurai Dry Cleaner”!

[ the camera shakily pans upward into the audience and zooms in on a woman with SUPER: “Prime Time Audience Reject” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4

77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon

Unprepared Charles

…..Garrett Morris
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi
…..Charles Grodin

[FADE IN on the locker room backstage, where Garrett Morris is tying his shoe next to Gilda Radner and John Belushi.]

John Belushi: [under his breath] Jeez.

Voice: [over intercom] Stand by, cast! We have two minutes to air! TWO MINUTES!

John Belushi: I don’t believe it.

Garrett Morris: Oh, John, you’re takin’ yourself too seriously, man. C’mon. Just go on and have a good show–Gilda, will you talk to him?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, right, have a good show, Garrett!

Garrett Morris: [walking off camera] All right!

Gilda Radner: See ya later.

John Belushi: [changing clothes] I dunno, Gilda. I dunno, this, this Chuck Grodin guy is really making me nervous. I mean, he’s barely here all week, and he missed dress rehearsal. That’s inexcusable, dress rehearsal!

Gilda Radner: Well, he must know what he’s doing, John. He’s a brilliant actor.

John Belushi: I know, but he doesn’t know TV, y’know, I mean… He doesn’t smoke dope, he’s just not one of us!

[laughter]

Gilda Radner: Well, he spends a lot of time by himself, y’know. He has a place up in Massachusetts, and then he leaves there and does a film, and then he goes back to Massachusetts.

John Belushi: Mmmm… He doesn’t know what’s going on. He’s never even seen the show…

Gilda Radner: He’s a real sweet guy and if we just help him through, then he can… [looks up] Hi, Chuck!

[ENTER Grodin with a huge black shopping bag in his hand.]

Charles Grodin: Hi, Glenda! [to John] Hi, Bungee! [reaches into bag] I gotcha some gifts. It’s an old New England tradition to give gifts.

Gilda Radner: Oh, thank you, Chuck! That’s real nice.Charles Grodin: It’s a maroon dickey. I hope you like it, Glenda.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: Bungee, you’re a tough guy to shop for. Here, I got you a shaving kit. I hope you like it.

[He hands a wrapped box to Belushi.]

John Belushi: Oh. Thanks.

Voice: One minute! One minute to the monologue!

Gilda Radner: Oh, um, Chuck, have you worked on your monologue?

Charles Grodin: Monologue?

Gilda Radner: You do a monologue to open the show.

John Belushi: Yeah, a monologue. Didn’t Lorne tell you about the monologue?

Charles Grodin: Oh, he did mention something, but what with doing promotions for the show, and sightseeing, and catching up with old friends, and I’ve written a song, to express how I feel about life, that they say they’re gonna let me sing, so I really haven’t paid that much attention to it.[laughter]

John Belushi: You’ll have to go out there in less than a minute and do a monologue to make the studio audience LAUGH, y’know?

Charles Grodin: Studio audience?

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: I didn’t know there was an audience.

John Belushi: Well, maybe if you’d been to dress rehearsal, you’d know that there was an AUDIENCE out there!

Gilda Radner: John, John, John…

Charles Grodin: I’m sorry, y’know, the stores close at nine, it was a direct conflict with dress rehearsal.

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: I couldn’t very well get gifts for some of the cast and not for everyone. If I had forgotten to get a gift for Garrett… [lowers voice] I mean, can you imagine my embarrassment if I’d forgotten to get a gift for Garrett? I mean, Garrett, especially.

John Belushi: Yeah.

Gilda Radner: Well, Chuck, the gifts are really nice, but I think you should–

Charles Grodin: You like the dickey? Listen, I could give Laraine the travel alarm clock, if you would rather have that than the dickey–

Gilda Radner: No, no, no, I like the dickey.

Charles Grodin: How about you, John, would you prefer a travel alarm clock instead of the, uh, shaving kit?

John Belushi: Well, if it doesn’t make any difference…

[laughter]

Charles Grodin: [trades gifts] I’ll give you the alarm clock. And I could give the shaving kit to Danny, and I got a keychain for Danny that I could give to Laraine–I couldn’t give the shaving kit to Laraine. That wouldn’t be…

Gilda Radner: No.

Charles Grodin: Oh, my God, y’know, I forgot to get something for the director. You think there are any shops that are still open around here now?

John Belushi: Chuck, you can’t go to a shop, we’re doing a live SHOW. There’s no time!

Charles Grodin: Live?

John Belushi: [exasperated] Yeah, it’s “Saturday Night… LIIIIII-IIIIIIIIVE.”

Charles Grodin: Wait a second. You mean, really, live?

John Belushi: YES!

Charles Grodin: Really?

Gilda Radner: Yeah, and, like, you should be working on your monologue, ’cause you have to go out and do it in one minute.

Charles Grodin: You do this actually live?

John Belushi: [losing patience] YEEEE-EEEES! You know, like… LIVE, FROM NEW YORK, IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! [FADE to montage as Belushi mugs for the camera.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 4


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 12th, 1977

Ray Charles

Ray Charles

Franklyn Ajaye

Buck Henry

Michael O’Donoghue
No More Godfather On NBCSummary: Don Coreleone (John Belushi) warns Tom Hagen (Bill Murray) that he’s had enough.

Transcript

Montage

Ray Charles’ MonologueSummary: Ray Charles admits that he was relunctant to host the show, but finally agreed when the producers promised he could host from Carnegie Hall.

Transcript

Ray Charles performs “I Can See Clearly Now”

Carter’s Energy ProgramSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) is angry that the American people have ignored his energy program.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

MamorexSummary: Ella Fitzgerald (Garrett Morris) tries to fool Ray Charles into thinking her voice recording on a Mamorex audiotape is really her.

The Doody GirlsSummary: Dottie Doody (Laraine Newman) tries to push her widowed sister Debbie (Gilda Radner) back into the dating world.

Recurring Characters: Debbie Doody.

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) stumbles his way through an interview with Ray Charles.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

The Young CaucasiansSummary: In a Memphis rehearsal hall in 1957, Mr. DeWitt (Garrett Morris) asks Ray Charles to listen to a back-up group who call themselves the Yuong Caucasians (Dan Aykroyd, John Belushi, Jane Curtin, Bill Murray, Laraine Newman, Gilda Radner).

Ray Charles performs “What’d I Say”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: Entertainment correspondent Bill Murray lays criticism to Time Magazine’s review of “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”.

Ray Charles performs “I Believe in My Soul” and “Hit The Road Jack”

Franklyn AjayeSummary: Franklyn Ajaye jokes about reruns of “Star Trek”.

Evelyn Woodski Slow Reading CourseSummary: Use Evelyn Woodski’s slow reading course to read with ease at a managable pace.

Transcript

BlackoutSummary: Burglars (Dan Aykroyd, Garrett Morris) face difficultly in robbing Ray Charles in his hotel room when the lights go out.

Transcript

Next WeekSummary: Buck Henry announces that he’s hosting the show next week.

Transcript

Ray Charles performs “Oh What A Beautiful Morning”

Brother Ray Meets Mr. MikeSummary: After Ray Charles and the cast sing “I Can’t Stop Loving You”, Mr. Mike (Michael O’Donoghue) presents Ray with a fake Monet painting.

Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike.

Transcript

GoodnightsSummary: Ray Charles promises to get Mr. Mike, then sings “On Saturday Night”.

Transcript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 5

77e: Ray Charles

Blackout

…..Ray Charles
Burglar #1…..Dan Aykroyd
Burglar #2…..Garrett Morris

[ open on a New York night ]

Ray Charles V/O: Oh, I love New York, everything about it — even Con Edison, the electric company. As a matter of fact, when I was in New York last summer, it was Con Ed who came to my rescue.

[ dissolve to Ray Charles talking on the phone in his hotel room ]

Ray Charles: Oh, yes, I’m having a marvelous time! Just yesterday, I was on the observation deck of the World Trade Center. You know, I could smell all the way to New Jersey! [ a hard knock at the door ] Wait a minute, there’s somebody at the door. Yes, who is it?

Burglar #1: Uh… Room Service!

Ray Charles: Alright, just a minute. [ into the phone ] Uh, listen — I’ve got to go now, but, uh, I’ll call you bacl kater, alright? Be cool. [ he hangs up the phone ] Room Service? I never ordered anything from Room Service… Room Service? Let’s see here… [ he opens the door ] Yes?

Burglar #1: Okay, buddy, put your hands up! Cooperate, and you won’t get hurt!

Ray Charles: Yes, Sir! Yes, Sir! Steal anything you see…

Burglar #2: Hey, hey, hey, Boss! This here… is Ray Charles, man.

Burglar #1: Who?

Burglar #2: Ray Charles. The King of Soul, man. We can’t rob him.

Burglar #1: Are you kidding? This will be a CINCH! Tie him up!

Burglar #2: Oh, man, I can’t do that!

Burglar #1: I said tie him up, man!

Burglar #2: But, I —

Ray Charles: Which one of y’all got the gun?

Burglar #1: I do. [ he cocks his gun ]

Ray Charles: [ to Burglar #2 ] I think you’d better listen to him.

Burglar #2: Oh. Okay, okay.

Burglar #1: Take the rope out of the bag and tie him up!

Burglar #2: Alright. Sorry, Mr. Charles, but I — I — I guess I gotta… [ the lights suddenly go out ] Hey! Hey, the lights are going out!

Burglar #1: What’s going on? Hey! Hey!

Burglar #2: It’s a blackout! It’s a blackout!

Ray Charles: There is?

Burglar #2: Yeah, I-I-I can’t see anything!

Ray Charles: You can’t?

Burglar #2: No!

[ suddenly, there’s the sound of a wild scuffle ]

[ the lights come back on, as Ray Charles coolly dials the phone ]

Ray Charles: Uh, hello? You say the lights just came back on? Waht are you telling me that for? Is this Room Service? Oh. Well, listen, uh — This is Ray Charles in 1722. And I’d like to order some neckbones and some collared greens and… and… and potato salad and two tall glasses of iced tea. You got it? [ camera pulls back to reveal Burglar #2 tied up and Burglar #1 shot dead across the coffee table ] Okay. Now, when you get that finished, would you please send up the police? Goodbye!

[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Mid-Show Crisis” ]

SNL Transcripts