Tom Hagen…..Bill Murray Don Vito Corleone…..John Belushi
[ open on Tom Hagen in a dark office speaking with Don Vito Coreleone ]
Tom Hagen: — They did a lot of work on it, they spent a couple millon dollars. Now, it’s true, they showed the bad side of the family. But you came off looking really well tonight.
Don Vito Corleone: I don’t know. You know, if what they say is true, the camera really does put on ten pounds, you know? I don’t like the way we were portrayed, you know? The movie’s the one thing, but.. there’s too much violence on television. Oh, it’s a dirty business. I want no part of it. No more “Godfather” on television!
Tom Hagen: We’ll try whatever we’ve got to do. The Nielsen ratings were awfully high. It’s gonna be difficult to get them to cancel parts two, three and four. In fact, they have plans to do even more.
Don Vito Corleone: What plans?
Tom Hagen: Well, they’ve already started developing two new shows – “Godfather Knows Best”, and another thing called “The Courtship of Eddie’s Godfather.”
Don Vito Corleone: How could NBC treat me with such disrespect? [ “Godfather” theme pots up ] All I’ve done for them. When they wanted Dean Martin to star in a series, who got him for them? I did. Ah, but let’s face it – they never wanted my friendship. It’s okay, I understand – but, now, this? How can they do this to me? We made a no contract.
Tom Hagen: They didn’t have to have a contract. We have no legal recourse!
Don Vito Corleone: Ah, legal recourse. Legal recourse. We’ll go to the mattresses!
Tom Hagen: What do you suggest we do, Godfather? Make them an offer they can’t pass by?
Don Vito Corleone: Hmm.. Something like that. Let’s see. We move hard, fast. Tom – you go to NBC in Hollywood, take Clamenza with you. I want Grizzly Adams to wake up with a bear’s head on his pillow. That’ll take care of it.
Tom Hagen: Okay. How about “Saturday Night Live”?
Don Vito Corleone: Noooo. No, my grandchildren love the show, it makes them laugh. Abd there’s not enough good satire on TV these days. [ camera zooms in ] Besides.. I love it when they say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
[Home Base. Ray Charles seated at the grand pianosurrounded by the cast, the Raylettes, and originalmembers of his band.]
Ray Charles: You know, I – I – I’m so glad. I–They – They just told me that – that, uh, we’ve got awhole minute left, you know. That’s – That’shighly unusual for this show. But, this is straightahead. Before we – we get too lost here, everybodythat’s around me, I really want to say, uh, truly, uh,thanks to all of you, people. And, uh – and, uh -would you all just say a nice, uh, “thank you and goodnight” and then what I want to do is – is just sortof, uh, get into, uh– C-Can we just close with a -with a little somethin’ a little more lively than theband and just let them sort of follow us, like, uh…[plays a funky uptempo rhythm on the piano and scatsalong, soon the band joins in and everyone claps tothe beat, credits roll – Brother Ray sings:] Hereon Saturday night, Saturday night …
Don Pardo V/O: Mr. Mike is played by MichaelO’Donoghue. Next Saturday night, our host will be BuckHenry with musical guest Leon Redbone and the fivefinalists in the “Anyone Can Host” contest. Boy, Ihope they don’t have an “Anyone Can Announce” contest.Nah! They wouldn’t do that to me. This is Don Pardosaying good night … anyone!
Ray Charles: [sings] Wanna have a little fun, y’all On Saturday night That’s where it all begun, y’all On Saturday night Tell me! Whatcha gonna do …?
[Applause. Darkened Home Base. In a spotlight, RayCharles sits at a grand piano.]
Ray Charles: Aw, thank you. Thank you, thankyou very– Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.Uh, I want to say that when the people, uh, fromSaturday Night first asked me to, uh, host this show,of course, I – I – I said “Absolutely not.” Uh, I – Iknew the show was tasteless and – and offensive and -and – and there was no way I was gonna letthirty years of a career go down the drain. I – I – Imight be blind but I’m certainly not stupid. But they- they – they kept on askin’ me and the producer wassaying, “Hey, hey, Ray, you know, we gonna make youlook good.” And – and– But, you see, I was worriedmore about the sound. So, I – I – eventually, Isaid, “Listen, I’ll tell you what. Er, uh, I’ll do theshow but – but – er, uh – there must be some, uh,particular conditions in order for me to do it. Ah,for instance, I’ve got to have my own musicians. I – Iwant the Raylettes. And they said, “Okay.” But for thelast thing I asked ’em about, it took ’em a littlewhile to come up with it but they were even able to dothat, too. So, therefore, ladies and gentlemen, let mesay that: [grandly] Tonight, we are proud to be comingto you live — from Carnegie Hall!
[lowers his voice conspiratorially] Now, listen, I,uh, I gotta tell you something. [chuckles] You see,now, they think that I think that this isCarnegie Hall but… [laughter and applause] … Yousee, but, ah, the joke is really on them because, yousee, I – I’m not the real Ray Charles. The realRay Charles IS at Carnegie Hall. Ah, but if hewere here tonight, I – I am sure that he wouldlead off this show with somethin’ like this. One!Two!
[Charles’ band comes crashing in and the lights comeup to reveal a stage full of musicians and numerousfemale backing vocalists, the Raylettes. They alllaunch into a swinging, soulful version of “I Can SeeClearly Now” …]
Brother Ray Meets Mr. Mike Written by: Michael O’Donoghue
… Ray Charles Mr. Mike … Michael O’Donoghue … and the entire cast
[Home Base. The entire cast stands around the grandpiano as Ray Charles sits at the keyboard and plays.The female cast members sing Charles’ hit version of”I Can’t Stop Loving You” … like whitebreadRaylettes.]
Jane, Laraine & Gilda: [singing] I can’tstop loving you
John Belushi: [slips on sunglasses, imitatesCharles, sings] It’s useless to say [Applause but then Belushi sings the wrong line:] To live in memory … of a lonesome time [Belushi and Charles crack up at the error] Sing the song…
Jane, Laraine & Gilda: [singing] I can’tstop wanting you
Ray Charles: [also sings the wrong line, toapplause and much amusement from the cast] I’ve made up my mind So I’ll just live my life In dreams of yesterday
[The song ends. Applause.]
John Belushi: You picked up on it.
Ray Charles: Yeah, I picked up on it.
John Belushi: He picked up on it.
Ray Charles: I – I take it it’s music youlike…
[The evil Mr. Mike — a thin, bearded man in dark suitand glasses — quietly approaches the group.]
John Belushi: But, you know, you sound like RayCharles but I look like him, you know.
Ray Charles: Mm hmm. I see.
John Belushi: You know “I Don’t Need NoDoctor”?
Mr. Mike: Hi, kids.
Laraine & Gilda: Oh, hi, Mr. Mike!
John Belushi: Hi, Mr. Mike!
Mr. Mike: Hey, I don’t mean to break up the funhere but we have a little surprise for Ray.
All: Ooooh! A surprise! Okay, surprise.
[The cast steps away from the piano. Mr. Mike standsnext to a painting covered with a red velvet coveringand addresses the audience.]
Mr. Mike: You know, we’ve kidded Ray a lottonight but blindness is nothing to kid about. So, weat Saturday Night, with the network, set up sort of amatching fund and we were able to purchase this lovelypainting in appreciation of Ray Charles and thecourageous example he sets for all of us — besidesbeing one heck of a good sport. And, so, in Ray’sname, we’re donating this painting to the Lighthouseof the Blind, in the hope that someday all will beable to see it. Let me just, uh, pull the string hereand give you to look at what I’m talking about.[removes the covering to reveal a frame without apainting, just big red block letters that read: PLEASEDON’T TELL HIM!] It was painted in 1909 by the FrenchImpressionist Claude Monet and it’s entitled, as youmay have already guessed, “The Old Windmill.” Uh,there’s that shimmering iridescence, the, uh, subtleinterplay between light and shadow that Monet wasfamous for. Hard to describe really, you sort of haveto see it. [approaches piano] Ray, I’m sure there’ssomething you want to say.
Ray Charles: Well, I would like to say that -that – that out of all the awards that I’ve received,I – I – I gotta tell ya, this one, without doubt,makes me the happiest, so let me thank you, Mr. Mike,and I also would like to thank all the wonderfulpeople on Saturday Night Live who’ve made this week somuch fun. Thank you.
Mr. Mike: Hey. Well said. [pats Charles on theshoulder]
Ray Charles: All right. [applause, the castgathers around the piano again]
Mr. Mike: Listen, Ray, I’m sorry. I gotta run.I’ll see ya later at the party, pal.
Ray Charles: Okay. See ya, Mr. Mike.
All: Bye, Mr. Mike. Bye bye.
[Mr. Mike exits. Charles lowers his voiceconspiratorially.]
Ray Charles: Now, what Mr. Mike doesn’t know… is, at the party, are going to be ten or twelve ofthe biggest black dudes he’s ever seen in his life.And they’re gonna whoop him upside his head and breakevery bone in his body. So please don’t tell him!We’ll be right back, right after this next filmedmessage.
[Much applause and laughter from both cast andaudience.]
Buck Henry: How are you? Uh — I may or may not be Buck Henry, but I am hosting next week’s show, with Leon Redone as my guest and the five — count ’em, FIVE — finalists in the Anyone Can Host Saturday Night Show contest! We’ve read 150,000 postcards from you, and, believe me… America’s in a lot of trouble.
Announcer … Dan Aykroyd Man … Garrett Morris Woman … Jane Curtin Surgeon … Bill Murray … Ray Charles
Announcer V/O: [The following words rapidlyappear on a blue screen as they are read by thefast-talking announcer:] This is the way you weretaught to read, averaging hundreds or thousands ofwords per minute. [The words disappear and thefollowing words gradually appear as they are read bythe same announcer, very slowly:] This is … the way… you could … be reading … with the … EVELYNWOODSKI … slow … reading … course.
[Dissolve to a pipe-smoking man at a desk.]
Man: Sure, I was skeptical. I think everybodyis. But, believe me, I can now read ten, maybe twelvetimes slower than before.
[Cut to a woman in an easy chair as she reads a book,running her index finger slowly along the text.Suddenly, she bursts out laughing.]
Woman: [serious, to the camera] I used to be aheavy speed reader and I never laughed when I readMark Twain. But, now that I take my time, I find himvery funny. Did you know that reading all the words ina story can help you understand the humor?
[Cut to a surgeon in full surgical garb, includingmask and rubber gloves.]
Surgeon: I’m a brain surgeon and, uh, I used tojust fly through these technical medical journals, youknow? And I found I was makin’ a lot of mistakes inthe operating room. And now, with the Evelyn Woodskislow reading course, I catch more o’ the importantprocedural stuff, you know? And I find I’m a bettersurgeon for it.
[Dissolve back to the blue screen.]
Announcer V/O: Yes, Evelyn Woodski can help youenjoy reading again. [suddenly loud, rapid]Whyreadlikethis?! [Text appears quickly on screen:”Why should you have to read like this?” – thendisappears; the following words gradually appear asthey are read by the same announcer, very slowly:]When … you … can … read … like this?
[Dissolve to Ray Charles, seated in easy chair,reading a book in Braille.]
Ray Charles: And there’s … Evelyn …Woodski’s … slow … reading …. course … forBraille. I used to … get … blisters … on my …fingers. [laughter and applause] Now … I just …sit … back and enjoy.
[Dissolve to graphic of a shelf of books withsuperimposed text reading: EVELYN WOODSKI SLOW READINGCOURSE 555-2972]
Announcer V/O: Evelyn Woodski slow readingcourse! Call 555-2972! Call now on this toll freenumber for your first … free … lesson.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 19th, 1977 Buck Henry Leon Redbone Al Franken Tom Davis Deb Blair Connie Crawford Richard Kneip David Lewis Miskel Spillman Neil Levy Tom Schiller Michael O’Donoghue Jim Downey The “Anyone Can Host” Contest FinalistsSummary: . Transcript
Montage
Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: . First Hosted: 75j. Transcript
Little Chocolate DonutsSummary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field. Transcript
Samurai PsychiatristSummary: . Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley. Transcript
Mr. Mike’s Rickey Rat ClubSummary: . Recurring Characters: Mr. Mike. Transcript
The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: Al Franken and Tom Davis recall a recent dinner party hosted by their friend Jackie Onassis (Gilda Radner), which culminated in her saving Tom’s life when he choked. Recurring Characters: Jackie Onassis. Transcript
The Finalists in Buck’s SuiteSummary: In a short film by Gary Weis, the Anyone Can Host Finalists try to earn Buck Henry’s infleuence by kissing up to him privately. Transcript
Leon Redbone performs “Please Don’t Talk About Me When I’m Gone”
Schiller’s ReelSummary: “Life After Death” Transcript
Little Chocolate Donuts Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis
Announcer…..Marv Albert …..John Belushi Other Runners…..Tom Davis, Neil Levy
[ open on John Belushi, Decathalon Champion, preparing to do the Olympic high jump on a sports field ]
Announcer: John Belushi is on his way to a gold medal in the Decathlon! They’re setting the bar at seven feet – here’s his approach.
[ John Belushi runs toward the bar. Quick cut to John jumping over the top of the bar. Quick cut to John landing on the grass. ]
Announcer: He got it! Belushi’s won the gold, now he’s going for the world’s record!
[ cut to John Belushi running a long-distance sprint against other runners; he wins the race, and his fans crowd around him ]
[ cut to John seated like Bruce Jenner at his breakfast nook ]
John Belushi: [ as he holds a lit cigarette ] I logged a lot of miles training for that day. And I downed a lot of doughnuts. Little Chocolate Donuts. They taste good, and they’ve got the sugar I need to get me going in the morning. That’s why Little Chocolate Donuts have been on my training table since I was a kid.
[ cut to John Belushi going for the gold in the pole vault ]
Announcer: Little Chocolate Donuts. The donuts of champions.
[ dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on applauding woman with SUPER: “One Jump Behind Us” ]
[ after repeat on 04/08/78, dissolve to audience wide shot, zoom in on woman with SUPER: “Peaking” ]
…..Gilda Radner …..Garrett Morris NBC Page…..Neil Levy …..Dave Lewis …..Deb Blair …..Connie Crawford …..Gov. Dick Kneip …..Miskel Spillman …..Buck Henry
[Network Card: “The Waltons Eat Their Young”]
Don Pardo: “The Waltons Eat Their Young” will not be seen tonight so that NBC may present the following special program.
[Cast ‘locker room,’ GARRETT and GILDA talk]
Gilda Radner: Garrett?
Garrett Morris: Huh?
Gilda Radner: Have you met- um- the five finalists of the ‘Anyone Can Host’ contest yet?
Garrett Morris: No, have you?
Gilda Radner: No, I didn’t, but I can’t wait to. You know, out of 150,000 entries, the five finalists, they actually represent a cross-section of America.
Garrett Morris: Oh, really?
Gilda Radner: Yeah, like there’s, um, there’s a co-ed from Vassar, and there’s a mother of three from Peoria, Illinois, and uh, there’s this unemployed guy from Oregon, and um… oh, and there’s, um, an 80-year old grandmother from New Orleans, and the Governor of South Dakota.
Garrett Morris: Say, uh, the co-ed from Vassar… is she black?
Gilda Radner: Uh, no, Garrett, none of the finalists are black.
Garrett Morris: I knew it. Great cross-section, GREAT cross-section.
Gilda Radner: Oh, well, Garrett… the sixth runner-up was mulatto.
Garrett Morris: Ohhh…
[They wrestle playfully; NBC PAGE enters with finalists.]
NBC Page: Uh, excuse me, Garrett, Gilda? These are the five runners-up… these are actually the five ‘Anyone Can Host’ finalists.
[Hellos all around]
NBC Page: Everybody? Everybody? This is your locker, and uh, if you need anything, need some change for the vending machines downstairs, don’t hesitate to call, OK?
[NBC PAGE leaves. greetings and handshakes all around]
Gilda Radner: Uh, which one of you is which?
Dave Lewis: I’m Dave, the unemployed guy from Oregon.
Gilda Radner: Hi.
Deb Blair: I’m Deb Blair, mother of three from Peoria.
Connie Crawford: I’m Connie, the Vassar co-ed.
Gov. Dick Kneip: I’m Dick, Governor of South Dakota.
Miskel Spillman: I’m Miskel Spillman; I’m old.
[Audience loves this]
BUCK HENRY enters.
Garrett Morris: Hey, Buck! C’mon, Buck. Come on in here!
Gilda Radner: Oh, Hi, Buck. Everyone, this is Buck Henry, he’s hosting the show this week.
[BUCK shakes hands with finalists]
Garrett Morris: All right, my man!
Buck Henry: Now, let me see. Uhhh… you must be the Vassar co-ed.
Connie Crawford: Yeah.
Buck Henry: Terrific. And, uh, let’s see, you’re the mother of three from Peoria.
Buck Henry: OK… [to DICK] And I guess that means you must be the unemployed kid from, uh, from Oregon?
Gov. Dick Kneip: No, I’m the Governor of South Dakota.
Buck Henry: Ah, well, sometimes it’s hard to tell. [To DAVE] So YOU’RE the unemployed kid from Oregon!
Dave Lewis: Right on!
Buck Henry: How are you, pal?
Dave Lewis: All right.
Buck Henry: Now, listen! Are you people all set for the show?
All Finalists: No.
Buck Henry: Well, if you don’t know what to do, you just follow me. Because, uh, this is my fifth time here as host, and I’ll, I’ll try and, you know, set everything up so it’ll be easy for you. Have you, uh, seen a script yet?
All Finalists: No.
Connie Crawford: We’ve only been given one line.
Buck Henry: Well, can I hear it?
All Finalists: “Live, from New York, It’s Saturday Night!”
…..Al Franken …..Tom Davis Jackie Onassis…..Gilda Radner …..Tom Schiller …..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
[ open on animated title sequence ]
Announcer: It’s time for the Franken & Davis Show, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!
[ dissolve to Home Base, as Al and Tom enter amid great audience applause ]
Together: Thank you!!
Tom Davis: Thank you very much! You know, ladies and gentlemen, the ratings experts have told us that most of our young viewers out there only know Al and I from this, the new “Franken & Davis Show”, but that they’re really unfamiliar with the rest of our long and distinguished careers in this nutty business.
Al Franken: Well, right you are, Tom! And we’ve brought some pictures to show you young people of our early career, so could we look at those, Davey? I think they’d get a kick out of —
[ dissolve to photo #1: Al and Tom on-camera with Ed Sullivan ]
Al Franken V/O: It all started with our television debut in 1957 on “The Ed Sullivan Show”.
[ cut to photo #2: Al (pantsless) and Tom (both wearing sombreros) ]
Tom Davis V/O: That, of course, led to our own show: “The Lockheed Comedy Hour”.
[ cut to photo #3: Life Magazine’s “F&D Mania” cover story ]
Al Franken V/O: Now, by this time, the whole country was infected with Franken & Davis Mania, and every kid in America wanted curly hair and glasses.
[ cut to photo #3: title card for “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis” ]
Tom Davis V/O: Our next show, of course, the Norman Lear sitcom “I’m Frankenbaum — He’s O’Davis”. It ran for only half a season because of its controversial nature.
[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]
Al Franken: As you may remember, it was forced off the air by pressure from several Jewish organizations. Uh — soon after, Tom and I, uh — well, we broke up, we had some, uh, well-publicized financial disputes. Let’s not belabor them.
[ cut to photo #4: National Enquirer headline: “WE HATE EACH OTHER” ]
Al Franken V/O: But, uh, we went our separate ways —
[ cut to photo #5: poster: “The Concert For Bangladesh” ]
Al Franken V/O: I organized the Bangladesh concert, as part of my “Feed the Children” program.
[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]
Tom Davis: I think a lot of that “Feed the Children” money is still in escrow. I think. Isn’t that right, Al?
Al Franken: [ meekly ] Right. We shouldn’t, uh, mention that…
Tom Davis: Yeah. [ he continues ] Well, then, of course, uh, I was in virtual seclusion, except for my annual Tom Davis Desert Classic —
[ cut to photo $6: Tom standing on a golf course ]
Tom Davis V/O: Here I am with Chi Chi Rodriguez, and boy what a game he had that day!
[ cut back to Al and Tom on stage ]
Al Franken: Boy, what a round. And, of course, as show biz legend has it, we were brought together by our… close and dear friend Jacqueline Onassis.
Tom Davis: That’s right! And, as a matter of fact, tonight that’s our special guest star on “The FRanken & Davis Show”! Won’t you give a warm welcome… to Jackie Onassis!
[ Onassis happily runs onto the stage, dressed in her outfit from the trip to Dallas fourteen years earlier ]
Tom Davis: Your sostuming and make-up are stunning, as usual, Jackie.
Jackie Onassis: Oh, thank you!
Al Franken: Jackie, as you know, uh — as you well know, I was a great admirer of your late husband.
Tom Davis: Well, I think we’re all great admirers of him.
Jackie Onassis: Well, uh — I think everyone remembers where he or she was when Aristotle Onassis died.
Al Franken: I know I do. Tom and I were at NBC Burbank, taping a Gold Diggers special, as a matter of fact.
Tom Davis: That’s — that’s right, Al. But, you know, if it wasn’t for this lady right here, I wouldn’t be here tonight. Because, about a year ago last Thanksgiving, I almost choked to death.
Al Franken: That’s right…
[ dissolve to the flashback, set inside Tom’s lavish Palm Springs apartment ]
Tom Davis V/O: You see, I had just invited a lot of show business and celebrity friends over for a big Thanksgiving dinner, and Jackie just happened to drop by. Fortunately, we had enough food. Fortunately… for me.
[ reveal Jackie at the table, yukking it up with Tom’s celebrity guests ]
Jackie Onassis: This part is really gonna kill ya’! So, the guy said —
Tom Davis: He said, “Wait a minute! Everyone, please hurry up and eat, because we’ve only got twenty minutes ’til kick-off, and I want to watch that game!”
Al Franken: Tom! Tom! You interrupted Jackie’s joke about the 500-pound gorilla!
Tom Davis: I’m sorry, Jackie — go ahead.
Jackie Onassis: That’s alright! [ she continues ] So, the guy says: “Anywhere he wants!”
[ the crowd roars with laughter, as Tom suddenly rises and begins to grab at his neck ]
Jackie Onassis: [ pointing ] Oh! Look at the funny faces Tom’s making!
[ everyone laughs at Tom, as he attempts to indicate to them that he’s choking ]
Al Franken: Wha — what are you doing, Tom? Charades? Charades!
[ everyone gets excited at the idea of playing along ]
Air Date:
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Summary: John Belushi promotes the sugary breakfast treat that has brought him success on the ahletic field.
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First Performed: 
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Summary: Al Franken and Tom Davis recall a recent dinner party hosted by their friend Jackie Onassis (Gilda Radner), which culminated in her saving Tom’s life when he choked.
Summary: In a short film by Gary Weis, the Anyone Can Host Finalists try to earn Buck Henry’s infleuence by kissing up to him privately.
Summary: “Life After Death”
