Category: 1977

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Goodnights

…..Buck Henry
…..Richard Kneip
…..Connie Crawford
…..David Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Miskel Spillman

Buck Henry: Uh, the date of the show that will be hosted by the one that you select, will be Decmber 17th. [ he holds up a TV Guide ] In this copy of TV Guide, the one that’s out this week, there is a ballot. [ he flips the magazine open ] Can you get a picture of that, David? Here it is.

[ cut to close-up of the ballot ]

Buck Henry: This actual ballot will allow you to put a name, a letter, or a bizarre description of the candidate YOU wish to host on December 17th. Now, maybe they’d like to have a couple of words to say in their own defense. Governor! Letter A!

Richard Kneip: Buck, I just have to tell my eight sons personally —

Buck Henry: NOT by name! No, we don’t have enough time.

Richard Kneip: — and my staff, who have worked so hard to get me on this show, that, hey! I don’t want to do it! So, all you people

Buck Henry: Yuo heard it! He wants your vote, ladies and gentlemen! That’s the Guv, Letter A! And now, the co-ed, Letter B!

Connie Crawford: Well, because of this contest, I’m failing all my classes, so… if I host, at least I’ll be able to pass Drama.

Buck Henry: Terrific! Okay —

Connie Crawford: [ she rubs Buck’s ear ] Remember me, Buck…

Buck Henry: [ tingling ] I sure will, Connie! That’s the co-ed, Letter B! Letter C, the unemployed kid from Oregon. What do you have to say, David?

David Lewis: Well, you know, I was just thinking: you know, chastity is a virtue that’s overlooked by a lot of us.

Buck Henry: I hardly know what to answer to that, and I don’t think I will. Get back in line!

David Lewis: C! You know, like “C” for Chastity!

Buck Henry: Get back in line! D! Mom, from Peoria!

Deb Blair: I want to say something to everybody out there that’s ever had a mother: In honor of your mom, vote for D!

Buck Henry: Most of you have mothers, you may know what she’s talking about. Come on, Grandma! Letter E! What do you have to say?

Miskel Spillman: I just want to say I’ve had the most wonderful time of my life!

Buck Henry: Ah!

Miskel Spillman: In my whole 80 years, I’ve had the most wonderful time!

Buck Henry: Well, it’s been a great 80 years for us! [ Mrs. Spillman kisses Buck on the cheek ] Okay, folks! Thank you very much for coming! [ he looks past the contestants ] Cast? Come out! Thank you all very much, and good night!

[ dissolve to ANYONE CAN HOST slide ]

Announcer: Send your TV Guide ballot or postcard with your vote to:

ANYONE CAN HOST
Box 722
Radio City Station
New York, New York 10019

All ballots must be postmarked before November 13th, and you may vote for only one contestant.

[ dissolve back to everyone waving at Home Base, as the credits begin to scroll ]

Announcer: Mr. Mike was Michael O’Donoghue. Next week, a “Saturday Night Live” repeat show, with host Lily Tomlin and musical guest James Taylor. We’ll be back, live, three weeks from tonight on December 10th, when our “Saturday Night” host will be Mary Kay Place with musical guest Willie Nelson, and Andy Kaufman. This is your old turkey, Don Pardo, inviting you to have a safe and sane Thanksgiving. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 6

77f: Buck Henry / Leon Redbone

Buck Henry’s Monologue

…..Dave Lewis
…..Deb Blair
…..Connie Crawford
…..Gov. Richard Kneip
…..Miskel Spillman
…..Buck Henry

BUCK and FINALISTS take center stage.

Buck Henry: Thank you all very much. We will eschew the customary monologue because this is a very special show, as you already know. Out of 150,000 postcards sent in from all over the country, from every state in America, we have selected these five amazingly brave people standing behind me… to be the finalists in the ‘Anyone Can Host The Saturday Night Show’ contest. Now, we had of course to BURN two-thirds of the cards for obscenity and weirdness, and out of the others we’ve chosen these people, and we think that this is a good time for you to meet them. Because after all, one of these people, the one you pick, will host the Christmas show. That means you can use the ballot in TV Guide, or you can write us a letter or a postcard, defining exactly who you want to be the host on Christmas. So, let’s meet them all one at a time and get to know them. First of all, wearing the letter A, The Governor of South Dakota, Richard Kneip.

[Applause]

Yes, that’s right, a real live governor. Now, Governor, exactly what is it that makes you feel that you’re qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Well, Buck, you and others know, or think at least, that a fella by the name of Ford had a little trouble coming on this show, but I’ve got nine good reasons why I’d like to host the show. First of all, I’ve got 8 sons and a lovely wife, Nancy, I’ve got a good staff back home, they want me to do it, So I- y’know, I guess I think I could do it. A lot of people from, uh, South Dakota are known around the world. Uhhh…

Buck Henry: Could you name one or two of them?

Gov. Dick Kneip: Uhhh… my second cousin is the General Manager of the Los Angeles Rams; A good Democratic friend of mine that ran for Governor of South Dakota owns the, uh, Miami Dolphins… Uh…

Buck Henry: Okay! That’s two!

Gov. Dick Kneip: [beginning of line is off-mike and inaudible] -ran for president-

Buck Henry: Oh, there’s three-

Gov. Dick Kneip: -so this might be my claim to fame!

Buck Henry: OK, Governor, thank you very much. That’s Governor Kneip! Wearing the letter A!

[applause]

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we’d like you to meet… Connie Crawford, wearing the letter B!

[applause]

Connie, come on down here. What, uh, what year are you in at, uh, Vassar, Connie?

Connie Crawford: I’m just a freshman.

Buck Henry: Just a freshman, and yet you had the nerve to come down here and expose yourself, so to speak, to this depraved audience. Exactly why do you think that you’re better qualified, or best qualified, to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Connie Crawford: I’ve been a groupie for two years!

Buck Henry: Of the show, or just of anyone in general?

Connie Crawford: [laughs] Ohhh, the show! This show, most definitely. I’m one of these nauseatingly enthusiastic-type people, you know, go for all the gusto you can get, that sort of thing… so, I’m in!

Buck Henry: Do you have any special talents?

Connie Crawford: Everything!

Buck Henry: Well, that is special! OK, Connie! Thanks a lot… that’s Connie Crawford!

[applause]

Connie Crawford, with the letter B! And now third, wearing the letter C, David Lewis, the dropout! The unemployed kid from Oregon! C’mon, David!

[applause]

Clearly, from the sound of the applause, there are a number of unemployed dropouts here… David… David, uh, what makes you think that, uh, this kind of job, hosting Saturday Night show [sic] is right for you?

Dave Lewis: Well, uh, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me because I’m unemployed, because I haven’t been unemployed for that long. You see, I- just until recently I worked as an interior decorator in a turkey farm. And, uh, I was grossly underpaid! and I wanted to ask for a raise, but you see the boss, he has this, uhhhhh… speech impediment. And, it’s kinda embarrassing to talk to him. But just this last week I… I- I couldn’t wait any longer. so I went into his office and I looked him straight in the eye and I said, “Look, you’re gonna give me a raise or I’m gonna host ‘Saturday Night!'” And he gets up from his desk, and I was scared, he looks at me and he goes:

[Dave then gobbles like a turkey. Seeing it is no funnier than reading it. Dave bombs.]

Buck Henry: OK, back to your position, letter C.

[applause]

Obviously we didn’t throw ALL of the weird letters away. That’s David Crawford, uh, David Lewis, wearing the letter C. And now, meet Deb Blair, the mom, from Peoria!

[applause]

Nice to see you, Deb! Now, what brings you all this way? What provoked you to write that card and tell us that you feel you are qualified to host the ‘Saturday Night’ show?

Deb Blair: Well, I have three sons back home in Peoria; Bill, Jody and Jonathon. And they only listen to people on TV. So I thought if I could host your show, maybe I could tell them something!

[hearty applause]

Buck Henry: That certainly makes a lot of sense. That’s Deb Blair, and she’s wearing the letter D! And now, ladies and gentlemen, last, certainly- CERTAINLY not least, wearing the letter E, remember the letter E, Mrs. Miskel Spillman, our grandma!

[applause]

Mrs. Spillman, have you ever been in New York before?

Miskel Spillman: No, I’ve never been in New York, I’ve never been in an airplane.

Buck Henry: Really? Well, this is New York, the airplane was the thing that brought you here. Um-

Miskel Spillman: I think it’s marvelous-

Buck Henry: You do?

Miskel Spillman: I think New York’s wonderful.

Buck Henry: Well, we think you’re terrific to come here. Now, how did you happen to write that- that strange postcard that led you to this place?

Miskel Spillman: Well, I love everyone in the cast. I watch it every Saturday night. And I thought, as I am 80 years old, I want a lot of old, old people all over the world to watch it, to get the thrill that I have every Saturday night watching it.

Buck Henry: OK, folks-

[enthusiastic applause]

-you’ve heard it, from Mrs. Spillman. She wants to thrill those 80-year-olds. So don’t forget- now you’re gonna see these people, you’re gonna see these folks throughout the show, in various places doing various bizarre things. Remember the letters: A is the gov! B is the co-ed! C is the unemployed kid! D is the mom! And E is granny! Please!

[Fade out]

Submitted by: Tim Harrod

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 8th, 1977

Madeline Kahn

Taj Mahal

Barry Humphries

Lorne Michaels

Andy Murphy

Jim Downey

Alan Zweibel

Tom Schiller

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Davis

Al Franken
The Trial Of Lee Harry OswaldSummary: ABC’s “the names have been changed to protect the innocent” version of the JFK assassination features Lee Harry Oswald (Bill Murray) being hit in the face with a pie.

Transcript

Montage

Madeline Kahn’s MonologueSummary: Madeline Kahn announces that the show will go on, despite the rainy weather, then comments on the uncertain nature of live television and life itself.

First Hosted: 75s.

Transcript

SwillSummary: A traveling salesman (Bill Murray) savors the flavor of the mineral weater dredged from Lake Erie.

Transcript

Bad OperaSummary: An opera singer’s (Madeline Kahn) performance in “Die Goldenklang” is ruined by a case of larynx lock while performing the Golden Note.

Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Steve Bushakis, Ronnie Bateman.

Anyone Can Host ContestSummary: Lorne Michaels announces the “Anyone Can Host” contest for home viewers.

Transcript

Bianca Jagger and Three or Four of Her Close Personal FriendsSummary: A glimpse at the intimate yet mundane dinner conversations between Bianca Jagger (Madeline Kahn) and her close personal friends Truman Capote (John Belushi), Princess Grace (Jane Curtin), and Margaret Trudeau (Laraine Newman).

Recurring Characters: Truman Capote, Princess Grace.

Transcript

Taj Mahal performs “Queen Bee”

“The Acid Generation: Where Are They Now?”Summary: One decade later, the hippies from the 1960’s are elderly, retired, and nostalgic for the old days.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan AykroydSummary: NBC’s Dancing N hands a news bulletin to Dan Aykroyd. Dan Aykroyd dons a fake Russian accent to narrate supposed file footage of the 1957 Sputnik launch. Entertainment reporter Bill Murray reviews the new Donny & Marie show and expresses his concern for Marie’s sexy new image.

Silver Balls & Golden PinsSummary: As a preacher (Bill Murray) delivers his sermon, the female statuette (Madeline Kahn) atop a bowling trophy sings “Silver Balls & Golden Pins”.

Transcript

Reverse DiscriminationSummary: Vengeful Craig Baker (John Belushi) sues for reverse discrimination when a blind black man (Garrett Morris) is accepted to law school instead of him.

Transcript

“Autumn In New York”Summary: In a film by Gary Weis, Madeline Kahn sings “Autumn in New York” while prancing through the city.

The Pink BoxSummary: Sally’s (Gilda Radner) new feminine hygeine product is personal and mysterious that neither she or Vickie (Laraine Newman) can figure out what it is or what it’s supposed to do.

Transcript

Hercules Movie DubSummary: Voice actor (Dan Aykroyd) handles all the voices while dubbing a Hercules film for English audiences.

Dame Edna EverageSummary: Madeline Kahn interviews British stage actress Dame Edna Everage (Barry Humphries) on a variety of odd topics.

Pocket PalSummary: Traveling businessman (Dan Aykroyd) carries the electronic device that can predict mid-air collisions within ten seconds of impact.

Transcript

Women’s SecretsSummary: A drunken Judith (Madeline Kahn) and Gail (Gilda Radner) divulge randy secrets while waiting a man to call Gail the day after their date.

GoodnightsTranscript

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Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Silver Balls & Golden Pins
Preacher…..Bill Murray
Singer…..Madeline Kahn

[ open on Preacher at pulpit ]

Preacher: You know… When I was in the Army, there was a guy in our outfit. A quiet little guy, who always had a kind word for everybody. And this guy never went to church. Instead, he’d go bowling every Sunday morning. So one day, the Chaplain saw him, and he went over and he asked: “Soldier, why are you bowling on the Lord’s day?” And the little guy sort of smiled, and this is what he said:

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“Life is like… a bowling alley
There’s a fast lane and a slowwwww.
And a score sheet up in Heaven
Which records… the deep below.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: Ah, do you remember what a thrill it was when that first ball crept down the alley? And by some wondrous and amazing miracle, you knocked over ALL the pins and you felt just like Mr. Dick Weber himself! Because you just took ’em out! Because you just took ’em down, because you JUST threw your very first strike!

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“‘Cause you practiced every weekend
You were startin’ to improve.
Now you’ve learned to throw the big ball
And your hook… is in the groove.”

[ wipe to reveal that Singer is a statuette atop a bowling trophy ]

Singer:
“And with a grace… that youth alone knows
Fortune smiles on every try.
Soon you’re bowlin’ for a team
And getting ones… and scorin’ high.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: Yes… but the years roll by, and some days the lanes are dark and dreary. And you just can’t hit the pocket, and the pins keep standing like they’re part of the building! Why, it seems like only yesterday you were showing them how it’s done, and now your powerhouse has turned into a POWDER PUFF! But you don’t quit! You pick up the old apple, and you give it all you’ve got, and when the maw and maple stops spinning around, you find yourself looking down the alley at bedposts, snake eyes, mule ears, telephone poles — in other words, the impossible 7-10 split. And so you ask Him to guide your ball… but you miss anyway, and you start to lose your faith in bowling… and begin thinking seriously about taking up GOLF!

[ wipe to Singer ]

Singer:
“If you end up in the gutterrrrr
Don’t feel shaaaaaame, and don’t feel sorrowwwww!
You can allllllways up your average
You bowl again tomorrowwwwww!”

[ dissolve to full shot of trophy, with Singer surrounded by bowlers ]

“‘Cause all too soon, the ball grows heavy
And your hair, gets tinged to gray.
Hands that tremble, feet that falter
And it doesn’t help to pray.

‘Cause You can’t bear to see the head pin
Gonna halt a perfect game.
AS you look, back on your scorecard
Empty dreams and open frames.”

[ dissolve back to sermon ]

Preacher: And then one day, you wake up in the BIGGEST bowling center you ever saw. The balls are silver like the moon, and the pins are golden like the sun, and the foul line… well, the foul line is the Milky Way. Yes, you rent your shoes from angels and they fit real good, too! But, friend, just one word of advice: There ain’t no beer frame in Heaven.

[ wipe to Singer with bowlers on trophy ]

Singer:
“Leave all doubts, and fears behind you
Say goodbye to earthly woes
As the veil is lifted, and you
learn the secret, of the pros.

There you’ll be rollin’ strikes like thunder
You’ll be smaaaaashing pins like rain.
Winning trophies, make up rainbows
On an evvvvvverlasting lane!

In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master always wins! Ha!

In an alabaster alley
Silver balls and golden pins!
You’ll be bowwwwwlin’ with the Master
But the Master all-always wiiiiiiiiiins!”

[ fade ]

Lyrics updated, thanks to Mike Martin.

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Goodnights

…..Madeline Kahn

Madeline Kahn: [ hurriedly ] Good night, thank you for watching! Good night. Thank you for watching. THank you, Barrie Humphries. Thank you, Taj Mahal.

[ the credits have already come up and begin to roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, the host will be Hugh Hefner, with musical guest Libby Titus. And Andy Kaufman! Until then, remember: Columbus Day is coming up, so why don’t you try to discover something? This is Don Pardo saying: “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Bianca Jagger And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends

Narrator…..Bill Murray
Bianca Jagger…..Madeline Kahn
Truman Capote…..John Belushi
Grace Kelly…..Jane Curtin
Margaret Trudeau…..Laraine Newman

[ open on Narrator standing beside dinner table ]

Narrator: Bianca Jagger has just finished eating dinner in this television studio… with Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends. At the table tonight: [ revealed in close-up, one at a time ] Truman Capote… Princess Grace… Margaret Trudeau… and our hostess, Bianca Jagger. Won’t you join Bianca for wine, cheese and grapes?

[ the Narrator turns his attention to the table, as the camera zooms closer ]

Truman Capote: [ cackling with glee ] You know, Bianca — Everyone knows how much you’ve changed, now that you’re a working woman. I mean, you’re just not the same Bianca.

Bianca Jagger: Of course, I’m not the same. How could I be the same? I’ve completely changed.

Truman Capote: How do you feel that you’ve changed?

Bianca Jagger: How do I feel that I’ve changed? You’re so silly. You know that I was… leading the party life before I was working. You know that for a fact. If I was invited to a party, I’d take the plane, I’d get on the plane, I go to the country, I learn the language, I go to the party! I AM the party! That is what it is.

Truman Capote: Yeah, it’s true. It’s really true. You are the party.

Bianca Jagger: That is true. But I am working now. That is the pattern of my life. I am working now, and I have learned something… that is very, very important in life. And that is that you must… be… on… time. If you are called to a place, to be there at one o’clock… you do not arrive at five o-clock. You will have kept everyone waiting for… [ thinking ] four hours. This is what I used to do if I were to arrive, because what is time? Time is nothing. What is time? Time never met… What is time? Time is nothing. But this has completely changed now.

Grace Kelly: How’s Mick?

Margaret Trudeau: Yes! How is Mick? I thought he was gonig to be here?

Bianca Jagger: How is Mick? [ a beat ] I come from Nicaragua. There is a saying amongst the very wealthy women there, which says that… “You cannot shave your legs after your pantyhose are on.” And I believe that this is true.

Truman Capote: Ah! Yes, that is true!

Grace Kelly: Of course, it’s true.

Margaret Trudeau: Oh, you’re right! Because… if you nick yourself, you can’t get a Band-aid on underneath them.

Bianca Jagger: You completely misunderstood!

Truman Capote: Bianca… you’re so beautiful. Um… you are.

Bianca Jagger: You are!

Truman Capote: Thank you! Uh — Do you think that make-up is important?

Bianca Jagger: Do I think that make-up is important? [ a beat ] I do not USE make-up, Truman, and you KNOW that I do not use make-up! What is make-up? Make-up uses ME! I make the make-up to look GOOD! You COMPLETELY misunderstand!

Margaret Trudeau: Where is Mick? I thought he was going to be here for dinner!

Truman Capote: Yes, where is Mick?

Grace Kelly: There is a saying amongst the poor owmen of Monaco: “If your husband is late for dinner… maybe he has eaten somewhere else.”

Bianca Jagger: You make me so jealous.

Truman Capote: Oh, that Mick is such a raw talent, you know? What is it like being married to a man like MICK JAGGER?

Bianca Jagger: What is it like…? I have learned… many things. Like I have learned that a woman — I… am woman, woman I am — When a woman is married to, for instance, a… Mick Jagger. And if her first name is, for instance… Bianca. Then, she — the woman — gets to call herself… Bianca Jagger.

Truman Capote: That’s such a marvelous name for this world…

Margaret Trudeau: I wish Mick would get here, he has such a sensual lower lip.

Truman Capote: God, that’s true!

Grace Kelly: He’s very popular in Monaco, I wanted to ask him to be on our stamp.

Truman Capote: God, he’s be beautiful! You know, everything is a question of attitude. You know, how you feel and how you are. I used to feel short, I looked short. Now I feel tall, and I am tall — unless I have to reach for something high on a shelf.

Bianca Jagger: This is — I cannot — I — I — I just — What are we talking about? We are talking about reaching. We are talking about NOTHING! [ she looks into the camera ] You must understand me, I’m sorry. I must be honest — These people are NOT my friends! Okay? This is NOT my dining room. I would not have MY friends SIT in a dinning room like this. This is a television show, I’m terribly sorry. I don’t particularly care for these people, I don’t particularly care for TELEVISION! I don’t particularly care for any… What is CARE?! What is it? What is I? What is what? What is WHAT?! You understand me? I mean, I cannot bear it! I cannot bear it! I really cannot.

[ as Bianca continues to ramble on, the Narrator steps back in front of the table ]

Narrator: You just had wine, cheese and grapes with Bianca Jagger… And Three Or Four Of Her Close Personal Friends.

[ pull out, with SUPER: “Coming up Next… Will Barry Manilow Outlive His Wardrobe?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Reverse Discrimination

Frank…..Bill Murray
Emmett…..Jane Curtin
Dean Archer…..Dan Aykroyd
Craig Baker…..John Belushi
Ross Jamal…..Garrett MorrisMalcolm…..Bert Jones
…..Ahmed

[ open on review panel at Santa Barbara School of Law ]

Frank: Now, uh, we want you both to understand that this is a very unusual thing, but we’ve decided to hear you both and decide which of you will get the last remaining place in the Class of ’81.

[ reveal the two candidates: Craig Baker and blind man Ross Jamal ]

Emmet: Mr. Jamal, I think I should already tell you that we had already accepted you under our Special Admissions program, but Mr. Craig Baker, who was not accepted, is threatening to sue the university on grounds of reverse discrimination.

Dean Archer: Mr. Baker, would you like to explain your position to the committee?

Craig Baker: With PLEASURE, Dean Archer! [ he grabs his briefcase ] As you know, law school admissions are based on the, uh, grade point averages and the LSAT — the Law Scholastic Aptitude Test. Now… [ he removes his records ] I maintained a 3.18 GPA in college, while Mr. Jamal here had a 2.95. I scored a 153 on the LSATs, and Mr. Jamal had an inferior 492, despite the advantage of having the test read to him. So if you accept Mr. Jamal, it will simply be a case of reverse discrimination and I will SUE!

Emmet: Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal qualified for the admission program to the disadvantaged because he is both a poor minority and handicapped.

Craig Baker: Yeah. Right. But — I majored in Pre-Law, and my Senior paper was on, uh, Reverse Discrimination. I KNOW my subject. I’m a debater. Look at this box.

Dean Archer: Mr. Jamal?

Ross Jamal: Uh-huh?

Dean Archer: What do you think?

Ross Jamal: Well, I agree with Mr. Baker. I understand what he means. But I don’t think that grades should be the only criteria. You know, my grades were brought down by the “D” I made in Art Appreciation. I can tell the difference in the brushstrokes between the Flemish and the Impressionists, but they used slides in the tests, you know? And, uhhhh… I-I-I did pretty good on sculptures, though. I did.

Emmet: Mr. Jamal, it says here that you are an orphan and supported fourteen younger brothers and sisters while working your way through college. Now, what type of a job did you have?

Ross Jamal: Oh, I was a proofreader for a Braille book publisher.

Craig Baker: Well, if you’ve spent so much time reading, you would think you would have done better on the LSATs!

Frank: Well, this is really a tough decision. Could you excuse us for a minute, gentlemen?

[ the three of them lean in and whisper to one another ]

Dean Archer: I don’t know, Frank, uh… I certainly don’t want to see the law school go to court. If this boy wants to sue, it could cost a lot of money and time, and I don’t think the institution should be put through it.

Emmet: You’re right, we really have no choice here.

[ they nod in agreement ]

Frank: Okay, Mr. Baker, Mr. Jamal… This is very difficult. We have to choose between two students: One has better grades, the other has overcome severe disadvantages. And, of course, both… are black.

Ross Jamal: Huh? Both Black?

[ Craig Baker breathes a huge sigh of relief ]

Frank: Yes. It’s a very tough choice, indeed…

Ross Jamal: [ excited ] Are you a brother?

Craig Baker: Uhhh… yeah… uh, yeah, bro!

Ross Jamal: [ taking his hand ] Oh, I didn’t know that!

Craig Baker: Yeah!

Ross Jamal: I didn’t know that!

Frank: Well… we might as well just leave it to chance, I think. [ he steps closer to the students, coolly shaking hands with Craig Baker in front of Mr. Jamal’s blind eyes ] Mr. Jamal, I’m holding up 1 or 2 fingers — Which is it, odd or even?

Ross Jamal: Uhhhh… even.

[ everyone stifles their laughter ]

Frank: Sorry, it’s odd. Congratulations, Mr. Baker.

Craig Baker: Uh, thanks! Thanks!

Ross Jamal: I was gonna say “Odd”!

Frank: You probably should have. Thank you very much, gentlemen, for your time. We appreciate it. Good luck to you BOTH, no matter what you do. We’ve got another meeting.

[ the panel exits ]

Craig Baker: Sorry we both couldn’t get in, but that’s the breaks.

Ross Jamal: Oh, that’s alright, since you a brother.

Craig Baker: Yeah, right on! Well, uh — can I take you for a ride to the bus stop, or something…?

Ross Jamal: Oh, no, that’s alright. My brothers brought me in from Oakland. They’re waiting outside in the car. [ calling out ] Ahmed! Malcolm!

[ two big burly black dudes saunter in ]

Malcolm: Yeah, what’s up? How’d it go, man?

Ross Jamal: Oh, not too good man. [ points to Craig ] But meet the brother who made it into law school.

Malcolm: [ looking around ] Brother? Him?

Craig Baker: [ jumps up nervously ] Well, hey! Yeah, I’m a brother! Yeah! Right on, Temptations! You know? [ he does a fast tap-dance ] I’m an octaroon! That’s it, I’m an octaroon! Really! I stay out of the sun, you know what I mean? No, really… I study all the time… It looks like you just ripped off by Whitey again!

[ Craig rushes out of the room ]

[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Are We Losing The Battle Against Selsius?” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Anyone Can Host Contest

…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on Lorne Michaels, Producer, seated at a desk surrounded by plants and wall photos ]

Lorne Michaels: How many of you out there watching this show right now are saying to yourselves, “You know, Madeline Kahn is pretty good, but… I think I could do a better job than that.” Well… here’s your chance. Because, now, Anyone Can Host Saturday Night Live. All you have to do is write a postcard and state, in 25 words or less, why you want to host “Saturday Night Live”. And mail your postcard to:

[ address card fades onto screen ]

ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019

Lorne Michaels V/O: Your entry MUST be in by Midnight, November the 1st.

[ cut back to Lorne ]

Lorne Michaels: You need no theatrical experience — just talent and a strong belief in yourself. If your postcard is funny — in the opinion of our staff — you might be one of the FIVE finalists who will be fown to New York in November to read your postcard, LIVE, on the show. [ he stifles a laugh ] Then it’s up to you, the people at home, to decide. The lucky winner will be flown to New York, put up in the swank Eck — [ he laughs ] Eck — Essex House Hotel! And, uh, get to meet and work with the Not Ready For Prime Time Players. And you’ll be paid the same $3,000 we pay any other host, or even The Beatles, uh, if they’d only show up. Best of all, you’ll host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show on December 17th.

So, just drop us a post card… However — if you should see ANY of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players, or anyone from “Saturday Night”, including myself, let’s say, at a fancy restaurant, and you say to yourself, “Hey! Why mail a postcard? I’ll just drop it off now at their table!” You’ll be immediately disqualified. Otherwise, we don’t care who or what you are. If you can lick a stamp, you’re on your way to stardom.

So, there it is. Anyone Can Host, and we give you that chance because… that’s just the kind of people we are.

[ address card fades onto screen ]

ANYONE CAN HOSTBox 722Radio City StationNew York, New York 10019

Don Pardo V/O: Send your post cards to: ANYONE CAN HOST / Box 722 / Radio City Station / New York, New York 10019.

Employees and the families of employees of RCA, NBC, or any of their related companies, are not eligible. This contest is void where prohibited by law.

[ cut back to Lorne ]

Lorne Michaels: Maybe I’ll see you… in December.

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Madeline Kahn’s Monologue

…..Madeline Kahn

Announcer: Ladies and gnetlemen — Madeline Kahn!

Madeline Kahn: Thank you, calm down. Okay. As you know, the show’s started a little late tonight because it has been pouring in Philadelphia, and the poor fellas had to play ball in the rain. But they did it anyway! And I just want you to know that it is raining in New York right now — in fact, it is raining right here in the studio. But we are going to do this show ANYWAY! Okay! [ the audience applauds ] You cannot see the rain — I heard you cannot see the rain, it’s just a slight drizzle. But it is here.

Okay. Why do we like this show? The atmosphere is CHARGED with excitement — why do we like that? Because we are dealing with the unknown. I can tell you that for a fact. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. I certainly cannot promise you quality of any kind. But we are dealing with the unknown. You can sort of just sit back and revel in the unknown, because it is something that we don’t like to do in life. Although, in life, every moment is, in fact, unknown. There is nothing that we know. We like to think that we know, we like to think that we have plans… get out our little date books, and we have appointments, and we have our goals! We have our goals in life, our ages, and so on. We don’t know any of it. I hate to tell you this — I know you don’t want to hear it. In fact, there is only one thing that we can know for sure, and… that is that we are ALL going to die. [ suddenly upbeat ] Uh — but we’re not gonna dwell on THAT! We’re not gonna dwell on that, ’cause there’s no POINT in it! No point at all.

So, join me, won’t you? And let’s all have a rip-snorting good time — [ she laughs ] on “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you very much, and we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 3: Episode 2

77b: Madeline Kahn / Taj Mahal

Pink Box

Vickie…..Laraine Newman
Sally…..Gilda Radner

[ open on women’s locker room ]

Vickie: Best I’ve ever seen you play, Sally! You seem so poised and self-assured today.

Sally: [ upbeat ] Thanks, Vickie! I am! I never even knew it was POSSIBLE to be this sure of myself as a woman! [ she takes an object from her locker ]

Vickie: What’s that?

Sally: Oh, it’s this WONDERFUL new woman’s product! I don’t know — I’ve just been so confident and secure ever ince I’ve had it!

Vickie: Well, what’s it for?

Sally: [ she chuckles ] Confidence!

Vickie: Well, do you put it on you, or in you?

Sally: [ ambivalent ] I guess so!

Vickie: Is it welcomed protection against odor all year round?

Sally: Possibly!

Vickie: Does it come in flavors?

Sally: Maybe!

Vickie: What’s two and two?

Sally: FOUR!

Vickie: Just checking. [ she grabs the object and looks around it ] Well, does it have a name?

Sally: Uh — I don’t know!

Vickie: [ frustrated ] Well, how do you open it?

Sally: I don’t know! I honestly don’t know. I just know I’ve never felt so feminine or so protected in my whole life! [ she turns to the camera and smiles ] So — if you want to feel fresh and confident all year round, look for the Pink Box — wherever it might be sold!

[ dissolve to product slide ]

Announcer: [ over TEXT ] A woman’s product so personal that even we don’t what it is.

[ cut back to Sally ]

Sally: Having it solves the problem of… being without it!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts