Businessman: When you fly, are you concerned by the volume of air traffic, possible oversights by air traffic controllers, the number of human errors committed by pilots, and the occasional likelihood of mid-air collisions? Well, you DON’T HAVE TO BE caught off-guard by mid-air collisions! Thanks to… Pocket Pal! [ he holds up product ] Rovco’s amazing new airborne early warning system, which ACTUALLY predicts mid-air collisions as much as TEN SECONDS before impact!
[ display circuitry ]
Inside the Pocket Pal, there are THOUSANDS of micro-processors, which electronically duplicate the sensing mechanisms of the silver-haired bat, a creature NEVER caught unaware by mid-air collision!
[ return to Businessman holding product ]
Businessman: So the next time you fly, take a Pocket Pal with you. You might not need it, but IF you do, you’ll be the FIRST to know!
[ he puts the product down, whereupon it begins to beep and whir ]
Pocket Pal: 747!
Businessman: [ panicking ] We’re gonna collide with a 747!!
[ the other passengers promptly go in a panic ]
Businessman: [ seriously, to the camera ] You may as well be the FIRST to know!
[ Businessman then joins in the panic and screams ]
[ cut to product as the screams increase ]
Announcer: The Pocket Pal. The last word in personal electronic systems.
Salesman: [ seated at lunch counter ] As a salesman, I do a lot of traveling. And when it comes to lunch, I grab what I can, usually on the run. And when I want mineral water, I keep it simple, and I keep it domestic. [ places bottle on counter ] I drink Swill. The water that’s dredged from Lake Erie.
[ voice over video of Swill being dredged from Lake Erie ]
Nothing’s added to Swill. It comes straight from the Lake to you. Maybe you thought only European countries had mineral water, but let me tell you: we bottle some pretty special water right here in America.
[ cut back to Salesman at lunch counter ]
Yeah. America. Water with a character all its own. Swill’s refreshing; it’s low in calories; and Swill helps wash down a hearty meal like this that tends to just lay in your stomach. [ pours runny ketchup on his hamburger ]
[ Music Over: “Anticipation” by Carly Simon ]
[ Plays as Swill slowly pours into Salesman’s glass, complete with sludge, dirt and a flip-top from a soda can ]
Salesman: I like mine with a twist. [ squeezes a lime wedge into his glass of Swill ]
Announcer: Swill. Everything you’ve always wanted in a mineral water. And more.
Reporter…..Dan Aykroyd Lee Harry Oswald…..Bill Murray Pie Thrower…..John Belushi Guard…..Mitchell Laurance Deputy…..Andy Murphy Other Reporters…..Al Franken, Jim Downey, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
[ open on announcer slide: ]
Announcer: Due to the mature subject matter of the following broadcast, parental guidance is suggested.
[ slide two: ]
Announcer: The following ABC mini-series is based upon historical fact.
[ slide three: ]
Announcer: However some of the names and events have been changed to make the program more entertaining.
[ cut to black-and-white corridor scene filled with reporters ]
[ slide three temporarily superimposes upon the screen once more, as Reporter addresses the camera ]
Reporter: In a moment —
[ slide four appears: “THE TRIAL OF LEE HARRY OSWALD” ]
[ Dan Aykroyd is momentarily flummoxed by the technical glitch ]
[ Caption: “Houston, November 1964” ]
Reporter: In a moment, Lee Harry Oswald, the man police say shot President John F. Curry, will be brought down this corridor toward a waiting car and then transported to Houston County Jail, where he will probably remain until his trial.
[ from the far end of the corridor, Oswald is led toward the reporters by a guard and a deputy ]
Reporter: Uh — there seems to be some, uh, activity now — yes! There’s Oswald now. Now, police claim that they have an airtight case against him. Oswald’s motive appears to have been jealousy — evidently, the handsome young president had been having an affair with Oswald’s wife, the beautiful Boshai ballerina, Marina Harry Oswald. Of course, uh — police have the gun — Oswald denies ANY knowledge of this. And, uh — he will be under, uh — heavy and federal state guard —
[ a man jumps from the crowd ]
Reporter: Wait! A man just jumped out the crowd — an overweight man has —
[ the man shoves a cream pie into Oswald’s face, then grins proudly at the camera as the reporters clamor ]
Lee Harry Oswald: “LIVE! FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!”
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 15th, 1977 Hugh Hefner Libby Titus Andy Kaufman None Tom Davis Mitchell Laurance Tom Schiller Anne Beatts Andy Murphy Neil Levy Rosie Shuster Paul Shaffer Playboy’s Party JokesSummary: A Playboy bunny (Laraine Newman) reads the jokes from an oversized page of Playboy magazine. Transcript
Montage
Hugh Hefner’s MonologueSummary: Hugh Hefner sings “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”, as a scroll reveals the true intent of his performance. Transcript
Angora BouquetSummary: The soap so pure that it can wash a housewife’s (Jane Curtin) mind. Transcript
Planet Of The Men Vs. Planet Of The WomenSummary: In outer space, Captain Macho (Hugh Hefner) leads his crew in an attack on Captain Estrogena (Jane Curtin) and her crew. Transcript
Libby Titus performs “Fool That I Am”
The Anyone Can Host” ContestSummary: Garrett Morris updates viewers on the contest’s progress thus far. Transcript
The X-PoliceSummary: “Magnum Force”-style X-Police officers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) break into the home of a pair of pot-smokers (John Belushi, Jane Curtin) and kill them for violating the law. Recurring Characters: X-Police. Transcript
Circular Bed Sex ResearchSummary: A co-ed’s (Jane Curtin) circular bed research with Hugh Hefner is interrupted by a query from President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd). Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter. Transcript
Listening To Great MusicSummary: John Belushi goes berserk while listening to “Ride Of The Valkyries”. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroydummary: An NBC tour group is led through the “Weekend Update” set. Nadia Comaneci (Gilda Radner) insists that spectators come watch her perform gymnastics while she’s still young and cute. NBC’s Dancing “N” dances delivers a news bulletin. Recurring Characters: Nadia Comaneci. Transcript
Sex In CinemaRecurring Characters: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn. Transcript
3 R’sRecurring Characters: Colleen Fernman.
The Story Of H
The Playboy PhilosophySummary: In ancient Greek, Hugh Hefner outlines his philosophy to Socrates (John Belushi) and Plato (Garrett Morris). Transcript
[ open on married couple raking leaves in their backyard ]
Wife: Hi. I’m beautiful, but stupid. And I’ve found the soap that helps me stay that way. My husband says I look natural and unspoiled, and he loves the way I never bother him with my opinions. Let’s face it — good looks and complex human emotions just don’t mix. I guess that’s why I use Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.
[ dissolve to footage of Wife washing her face, as the image makes waves ]
Wife V/O: Angora Bouquet’s thousands of tiny tranquilizers penetrate your skin to wash reality away, and make your mind and skin as clear as a baby’s. You see, Angora Bouquet actually contains methaqualone, the same tranquilzing agent that is found in those large white pills I often come across in Bill, Jr.’s jeans pockets when I do the laundry.
[ dissolve back to Wife in the yard, raking leaves with the rake held upside-down ]
[ her husband turns her rake over to the correct position ]
Husband: Honey, why don’t you try the other side of the rake? You can get a little more leaves that way.
Wife: I guess that’s why my soap is Angora Bouquet with pH Formula 23.
[ she accidentally steps on the rake, sending it slamming into her husband’s face ]
Announcer: Angora Bouquet. Washes your brain, as well as your face.
[ open on Garrett Morris seated at table covered with postcards ]
Garrett Morris: Last week, Lorne Michaels, “Saturday Night Live”‘s dynamic young producer, sat in this very chair and told you, the American television viewer, that anyone can host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show. Well, this week Lorne asked me to do this spot to emphasize that anyone can host. All you gotta do is write a postcard with 25 words or less on “Why I want to host Saturday Night Live”, AND… [ as SUPER appears ] send it to us at:
ANYONE CAN HOST Box 722 Radio City Station New York, New York 10019
[ return to Garrett ]
Garrett Morris: Your entry MUST be in by midnight, November 1st, and if we think your postcard is funny or original, you might be one of five finalists flown to and from New York in November to read his or her postcard on the air. Then it’ up to the people at home to decide! The lucky winner will be flown to New York, put up at the swank Essex House Hotel, and paid $3,000 to host “Saturday Night”‘s Christmas show on December 17th! Remember: anyone can host! [ his eyes dart back and forth ] Uh, well — not really anyone. For example, I can’t host.
Don Pardo V/O: That’s right, Garrett! Because NBC employees AND relatives are not eligible! I’D like to host the show, too — but I can’t! Once again, send those postcards — no letters — to:
[ SUPER: ]
ANYONE CAN HOST Box 722 Radio City Station New York, New York 10019
Co-ed…..Jane curtin …..Hugh Hefner President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on interior, Hugh Hefner’s bedroom ]
[ Hefner sits on his circular bed lighting his pipe, as ?? steps forward holding a clipboard ]
Co-ed: Gee, Hef — thanks for taking time out from your busy schedule to help me out with my thesis!
[ she joins him on the bed ]
Hugh Hefner: Ah, listen — it’s a PLEASURE! It’s not every day I’m able to persuade the eduation of a comely young co-ed like yourself! Besides, I really appreciate the opportunity to quit working for the night and do the thing I enjoy the most!
[ the Co-ed laughs ]
Hugh Hefner: Uh, did you bring the equipment?
Co-ed: Yes, I have everything we need!
Hugh Hefner: Well, what are we going to do first?
Co-ed: Uh — [ she holds up an object ]
Hugh Hefner: What have you got there?
Co-ed: The protractor!
Hugh Hefner: Now, could you explain your research a little more specifically?
Co-ed: Well, it’s like I said. Tonight, I intend to prove a major hypothesis with my thesis on male performance territory and their geometric variants, using you and your circular bed!
Hugh Hefner: Sounds good. Now, what hypothesis do you hope to prove?
Co-ed: Well, if two bodies intersect at various angles within a circular area and lovemaking is performed for 3.14 minutes in each quadrant, by the time the bodies reach the midpoint, the couple will achieve pi!
Hugh Hefner: [ absorbing this knowledge ] Right! Let’s go to work! Let’s do it for science!
[ beeping ]
Hugh Hefner: Oh, no…
Co-ed: What’s that?
Hugh Hefner: It’s my beeper. It, uh — it beeps every time an important call comes in on my answering service. I have to, uh, call the phone service.
Co-ed: [ excited ] THAT’S what that little black box was! I was afraid to ask — I thought it was a pacemaker! [ she giggles ]
Hugh Hefner: Well — but — excuse me for a minute, because I have to call the phone service. [ he picks up a wall phone ]
Co-ed: I knew this was going to happen!
Hugh Hefner: No, no, no. I give you my word — this is our night. [ into the phone ] Hello? This is Hefner. Who called? Oh, really? Again, huh? What’s he want this time? I see. Well, look — okay. I don’t want to be disturbed tonight — let’s forward all calls, and tell him I’ll call tomorrow. Okay? Okay. [ he hangs up ]
Co-ed: Always in demand! It seems like people are always trying to reach you, Hef!
Hugh Hefner: Yes, but I want to forget all that tonight. Tell me — am I the only subject in your experiment, who, uh, owns an uncommonly-shaped bed?
Co-ed: Oh, no. I experimented with an octagenarian who slept on a hexagon. He didn’t make it through the night.
[ beeping ]
Co-ed: I thought you told them to hold all calls?
Hugh Hefner: Yes, that’s not the beeper. That’s, uh, our Playboy radar scan. [ he opens a panel on the headboard to reveal a radar screen ] It means that… someone’s landing on the helipad up on the roof.
Co-ed: Hef, I’d better go. You’re too busy to be bothered by a co-ed who’s working on her thesis.
Hugh Hefner: No. I told you — this is gonna be our night, no one’s gonna disturb us. Not even if the President of the United States were to call.
[ suddenly, President Jimmy Carter and a pair of Secret Service men enter the room ]
President Jimmy Carter: Excuse me — uh, Hef? Hello, Ma’am. Hef, I tried calling on the phone, but… they put you on hold there, and I just have to talk to you. I need some advice from you on something.
Hugh Hefner: What is it now, Jimmy?
President Jimmy Carter: Can I sit down here on the bed?
Hugh Hefner: Sure.
[ Carter sits on the edge of the bed ]
President Jimmy Carter: Well, as you know, the Geneva Conference is next week. There’s gonna be a lot of countries there, and I want to make a good impression, you know? And I like to get back to my hotel room and think about policy and relax and listen to some music. Well, I like to play my music loud, so I don’t want to disturb anybody in the hotel. I was wondering: What kind of headphones should I buy? Secretary of State Vance and I had a bet — he said you’d say a Klaus 190, and I figured you’d say MasterSound Pro-15.
Hugh Hefner: Well… if you said “MasterSound Pro-15” — collect your money, you won the bet. MasterSound puts out separate tweeter and woofer in each cup.
President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm.
Hugh Hefner: Coupled by a core crossover network. The result is a powerful bass response, richness in tone, and the sound still holds together. Now, uh, could you leave us, Jimmy? I am… busy.
President Jimmy Carter: Okay, thanks, Hef! Thanks a lot! [ he stands ] Oh, there’s one more thing: The Secret Service men and I would like to use the jacuzzi.
Hugh Hefner: Go ahead. Anything.
President Jimmy Carter: Gee, thank you! Bye-bye, Ma’am! Nice meeting you.
[ President Carter and his Srcret Service men exit the room ]
Hugh Hefner: Let’s get back to… Basic Geometry.
Co-ed: Okay!
[ Hefner pulls the Co-ed down onto the bed, as the camera zooms in on the stereo equipment and dissolve into the next sketch ]
[ open on Playboy Bunny standing in front of a giant copy of Playboy’s Party Jokes and a champagne glass ]
Playboy Bunny: Hi! Um.. our unabashed dictionary defines “beating around the bush” as, like, there’s this circle of percussionists, and, like, they’re sitting around this shrub, like, playing drums. And, um.. it’s really like that, only it’s funnier!
[ thinking ] Oh, I know! “There was an old man named Dave from Nantucket..” No, wait.. oh, yeah, forget it. Okay, okay, okay..
Um.. “A sailor named Rick, grew so fond of flicking his Bic. He said to his date, ‘I could guess at her weight. If your nose was a plum, I would pluck it!” [ giggles ]
Oh! Oh, I just remembered this punchline! Uh.. when they shove me in a dark cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up!” [ giggles ]
Oh, gosh.. well, that’s all the jokes I remember.. except.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Announcer: Welcome to the history of “Sex In Cinema”, and here’s your host, noted sex authority, Hugh Hefner.
[ open on Hugh Hefner staring at a 35mm film reel ]
Hugh Hefner: [ pulls film reel away ] Oh, hello. I’m noted sex authority, Hugh Hefner. Welcome to the history of “Sex In Cinema”. As you know, on “Saturday Night Live”, one can say anything one likes. For example, the word “penis”.
[ cut to black screen, SUPER: “PLEASE STAND BY” ]
However, there was a time when American entertainment was censored by puritanical morality. In the 1930’s and 40’s, the Hays Office placed restrictions on motion pictures, with a strict code of standards. Now, one rule of the Hayes Code stated that if a man and a woman appeared on a bed together, at least one of their four feet must remain on the floor. Tonight, we present the final scene from “The First Mrs. Kimble”, a screwball comedy starring a dashing young Cary Grant, and an irrepressible Katheriner Hepburn. Now, even though the scene techincally stayed within the letter of this “one foot on the floor” rule, it nevertheless violated the rule’s intent, and was never allowed to be seen in America. That is, until tonight.
[ black-and-white scene opens in bedroom ]
Cary Grant: But, Julie, I can’t go in this! I look ridiculous!
Katherine Hepburn: I think you look rather cute.
Cary Grant: Well, go back to the laundry and tell them I need my suit.
Katherine Hepburn: You can’t boss me around, I’m not your wife any more!
Cary Grant: Well, you are until you sign those papers. Now, go get me my suit!
Katherine Hepburn: Ah, ah, ah.
Cary Grant: Alright, I’m putting my foot down now! [ stomps his foot ] Is that alright?
Katherine Hepburn: You’re such a little boy, George Kimble. I love you.
Cary Grant: Yes, I noticed it was getting a little warmer in here. Oh, Julie, Julie.. whose idea was this, anyway, this divorce? It’s such a stupid thing, whose idea was it in the first place?
Katherine Hepburn: I think it was yours, George Kimble.
Cary Grant: [ picks Julie up in his arms ] Well, let’s just pretend I never thought of such a thing.. Mrs. Kimble. [ drops her on top of the bed ]
[ camera pans down to one of Cary Grant’s feet on the floor below the bed ]
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, George..
Cary Grant: Julie..
Katherine Hepburn: Oh, George..
Cary Grant: Julie..
Katherine Hepburn: George!
Cary Grant: Julie!
Katherine Hepburn: George!
Cary Grant: Julie!
Katherine Hepburn: George!
Cary Grant: Julie!
Katherine Hepburn: George..!
Cary Grant: Julie..!
[ Cary’s foot remains on the floor, but jumps sporadically as they go at it on top of the bed, above the camera’s view ]
Hugh Hefner: Well, maybe some things shouldn’t be allowed to be seen. Tune in next week, when the history of “Sex In Cinema” brings you the outtakes from “The Miracle Worker”.
John Holse…..Dan Aykroyd Hartley Raymond…..Bill Murray Widow…..Gilda Radner Gary…..Hugh Hefner Organist…..Paul Shaffer Mourners…..Tom Schiller, Andy Murphy Mr. Gilsrack…..Alan Zweibel
[ open on funeral ]
John Holse: And so, upon this grievous occasion, because we at the Halson-Plaker Funeral Home did not really know Jonathan Gilsrack, we’ve called upon his closest friend in life to deliver the eulogy. Hartley Raymond. Hartley?
[ Hartley steps forward ]
Hartley Raymond: Thank you, John Holse. Hello, everybody, I’m Hartley Raymond. I’m sorry we all had to meet under these circumstances, but that is life… and death, too, huh? [ people cry ] Hey! You know, I don’t like seeing everyone so down. You know, Jonathan wouldn’t have wanted it this way. You know, to Jonathan, life was a party. Think of a word that describes Jonathan. Go ahead. Everybody, think of a word. Alright, have you got it? How many people were thinking “Terrific”? Hands? Four out of nine. Almost HALF of you were thinking that Jonathan was terrific.
[ the widow starts to cry ]
Oh, please don’t cry, Mrs. Gilsrack. I hate to see you cry. Come on, lighten up a little. You know what? On arriving here today, I saw this beautiful wreath of flowers. Aren’t they lovely? And I felt better just looking at them. I said to myself, “You know, gosh, they’re beautiful.” They look just like the ones I have right here. [ pulls plastic flowers out of his sleeve ] How about that? [ gives them to the widow ] They’re for you. Take them, Because you’re beautiful and pretty, okay? A little hocus-pocus, but… what is life but an illusion, huh?
Now, I’m just trying to cheer everybody up a little bit — and I’m gonna KEEP trying. But I’m going to need a volunteer from the mourners to step up and help. Now, how about — how about this pretty girl rigt here? [ he points to the widow ] The Widow Gilsrack! Come on!
Widow Gilsrack: No, no, no…
Hartley Raymond: Let’s bring her — oh, come on! Don’t be shy! Maybe if we give her a hand, she’ll come up! Come on! Let’s hear it for her! [ the mourners begin to clap her on ] Come oooonnnn!! Isn’t she marvelous! Come on up, Mrs. Gilsrack! Come on! [ she steps up ] Terrific! Thank you. Now, we have never met before in our lives, have we? [ he chuckles ]
Widow Gilsrack: What do you mean, Hartley? I — what?
Hartley Raymond: Of course, we have! I’m just kidding! Good. I think we’re gonna succeed. Now, do you believe in spirits?
Widow Gilsrack: Oh… w-well, I-I-I… don’t know…
Hartley Raymond: Be honest.
Widow Gilsrack: Well, I-I-I… [ she begins to cry ] I don’t know!
Hartley Raymond: Alright, alright. Shh, shh, shh! Alright, now, on my way over here, I had the most ridiculous thought. Typical of me — ridiculous! I thought: what if the spirits really did speak from the Beyond? [ the room goes silent ] A little music, Professor, please.
[ the organist plays spooky music ]
Hartley Raymond: [ he removes a pack of cards from his pocket ] Now, I’ve got here an ordinary pack of playing cards, as you can see. Now, there’s nothing up my sleeves. Now, I’m gonna prove that the spirits CAN talk, and, hopefully, John’s gonna help us out a little bit. [ he fans the cards ] Now, go ahead — pick a card.
[ Mrs. Gilsrack picks a card, as Hartley looks at the mourners ]
Hartley Raymond: Hey! Now, what’s the matter with you, Gary? Hey, now — did you want to be my little assistant, too? You knucklehead! You want to be my little assistant, too? Come on up here, I’m gonna need TWO assistants! Get up here! [ Gary steps up ] Okay, now, you hold the deck — here, you hold the deck! [ he hands the deck to Gary ] Now, when I say “Go!”, I want you to lead the congregation in saying: “Yes, the spirits can talk!” Will you do that for me, Gary? [ Gary nods ] Alright. [ he turns to Mrs. Gilsrack ] Mrs. Gilsrack, do you still have the card?
Widow Gilsrack: Yes, I —
Hartley Raymond: Fabulous! Okay, Gary, you know what to do?
Gary: Yes, I —
Hartley Raymond: Terrific! Okay, get ready! Gary!
Gary: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”
Hartley Raymond: Come on — everybody, now!
Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk…”
Hartley Raymond: Oh, come on!! You couldn’t raise a FLAG, let alone the DEAD!! Now, let’s hear it!!
Mourners: “Yes, the spirits can talk!!”
Hartley Raymond: Alright! [ he leans his head toward the casket ] Now, Jonathan, what’s the card? What?! [ he raises his head ] He says he lost the service! Can you believe this guy? [ he taps the side of the coffin ] Get out of here! [ he leans in again ] What are you saying? What are you — [ he raises his head ] He won’t TELL me!
Hartley Raymond: What? Alright, Jonathan. [ he stands straight ] Jonathan has told me… that your card… is the nine… of diamonds. Is that correct? Nine of diamonds.
Widow Gilsrack: [ she looks at her card and holds it up ] No, it’s — it’s the seven of spades.
Hartley Raymond: What?
Widow Gilsrack: It’s the seven of spades.
Hartley Raymond: [ a beat ] A miserable mistake. Well… I guess the dead… stay where they are. Dead. [ Mrs. Gilsrack cries ] What? Oh, no, wait! [ he cocks his ear toward the coffin ] What’s that? What are you saying, Jonathan? What? Look in his pockets? Alright, if you say so ! [ he reaches in and pulls up an oversized card ] The seven of spades, everybody! Come on! Thank you! Thank you! Gary, you were terrific for helping out. I’m gonna need this deck — thank you! Terrific!
[ Mrs. Gilsrack and Gary take their seats ]
Hartley Raymond: Now, my next trick is a special tribute to the deceased, and, for that, I’m gonna bring back Mr. John Holse. John? [ John returns ] Now, as you can see, this casket is a solid wood casket with no trap door. Tell them about it, John, would you, please?
John Holse: He’s lying in a Holson-Plaker’s exclusive dry weight Burkemaster casket. It’s a full mahogany box with a flannel covering, and three full inches of vinyl sealant to protect your loved ones from weathering, moisture and insects for 99 years. Another thick, strong casket from the people at Burkemaster.
Hartley Raymond: Okay, alright, everything alright in here, Jonathaan? [ lifts casket, throws voice ] “S’alright!” [ closes casket, laughs ] Hey, get out of here, you nut! Okay, now this is a trick first designed by the famous French psychologist, Dr. Emile Quave. The good doctor was quoted as saying, “Dead men feel no pain.” Let’s hope the good doctor was right!
[ Hartley and John saw the casket in half, then pull the casket halves apart ]
Now, the hard part!
[ they lock the casket halves back together ]
Don’t blink your eyes, or you’ll miss Jonathan Gilsrack! 1, 2, 3! [ opens casket ] There he is! Thank you! You didn’t feel a thing, did you, Jonathan? He’s a good sport, isn’t he? He’s terrific. John Holse, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Well, thank you very much, I hope you had a little bit of sunshine put into your life today. Look, when you’re leaving, drive carefully; and, if you don’t have a car and are walking, watch out for the rain. But just remember this:
[ he leads everyone into a chorus of “Put On A Happy Face” ]
[ zoom out to wide studio shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Japanese Big Mac Sneak Attack” ]
Air Date:
Summary: A Playboy bunny (Laraine Newman) reads the jokes from an oversized page of Playboy magazine.
Summary: Hugh Hefner sings “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”, as a scroll reveals the true intent of his performance.
Summary: The soap so pure that it can wash a housewife’s (Jane Curtin) mind.
Summary: In outer space, Captain Macho (Hugh Hefner) leads his crew in an attack on Captain Estrogena (Jane Curtin) and her crew.
Summary: Garrett Morris updates viewers on the contest’s progress thus far.
Summary: “Magnum Force”-style X-Police officers (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) break into the home of a pair of pot-smokers (John Belushi, Jane Curtin) and kill them for violating the law.
Summary: A co-ed’s (Jane Curtin) circular bed research with Hugh Hefner is interrupted by a query from President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd).
Summary: John Belushi goes berserk while listening to “Ride Of The Valkyries”.
ummary: An NBC tour group is led through the “Weekend Update” set. Nadia Comaneci (Gilda Radner) insists that spectators come watch her perform gymnastics while she’s still young and cute. NBC’s Dancing “N” dances delivers a news bulletin.
Recurring Characters: Cary Grant, Katharine Hepburn.
Recurring Characters: Colleen Fernman.
Summary: In ancient Greek, Hugh Hefner outlines his philosophy to Socrates (John Belushi) and Plato (Garrett Morris).
Recurring Characters: Larry Farber, Bobbi Farber.
