Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
Goodnights
…..Hugh Hefner
Hugh Hefner: Thank you all for making this such a wonderful adventure. Thank you! Good night!
Category: 1977
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Hugh Hefner’s Monologue
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
Hugh Hefner’s Monologue
…..Hugh Hefner
[ Hugh Hefner enters the apron of the stage dressed in his signature bathrobe and brandishing a pipe. He sits on a stool. ]
Hugh Hefner: Thank you, thank you. Well, when Lorne Michaels first asked me to host “Saturday Night Live”, I wasn’t quite frankly sure I could handle it, because I am, after all, a magazine publisher, not a performer. And, anyone who ever saw my own TV show, “Playboy After Dark”, can attest to that. But I have a couple of friends who think I’m almost as funny as Ralph Nader, so I figured, “What the hell?”
Since male fashions are a very important part of Playboy, I was concerned about what to wear on this opening monologue. Lorne was very helpful, he told me to wear whatever I felt comfortable in. He said, “Just wear what you wear when you host a party at the Playboy Mansion.” Well, this is it.
I started Playboy back in the 50’s, from an initial investment of some $600, and I’ve built an empire that’s worth almost $200 million. But I didn’t do it alone. It took a lot of dedication and a lot of hard work from some very talented people. And it took something more – a kind of faith, a belief in something greater than oneself, and that’s why each time I see a little girl of 5 or 6 or 7, I can’t resist the joyous urge to smile and say..
[ starts singing “Thank Heaven For Little Girls” ]
[ SUPER: “We were only too happy to let Hef sing a song – and we agreed with him on this one because Hef basically is a very religious man. He thanks Heaven for a lot of things besides litle girls: Big girls, enormous girls, gigantic girls – just name it, and Hef will thank Heaven for it. You see, if Hef hadn’t become a publisher, he’d probably have been involved with religion in some way. For example, he might have been a Missionary – a position in life he has a lot of respect for. So when Hef thanks Heaven for little girls, its his way of being sort of an evangelist – of disseminating his real feelings – of spreading the thing he truly believes in. Look, maybe he isn’t the best singer we’ve ever heard – but we say thank Heaven for a boy who puts his money where his mouth is.” ]
[ finishes singing ]
We’ll be right back.
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Listening To Great Music
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
Listening To Great Music
…..John Belushi
Announcer: And now it’s time for “Listening To Great Music”, the program dedicated to musical appreciation, with your host, John Belushi.
John Belushi: Good evening, music listeners. I’m John Belushi, and tonight, on “Listening To Great Music”, we are going to hear a rare recording of Richard Wagner’s “Ride of the Valkyries”, from “The Valkyries”, one of my favorites. Written in 1855, its familiar theme is charged with fiery passion and textured with the full orchestra, completing the original melody in powerful, forceful brilliance. Wagner often writes music which seems to evoke a sort of suggestive of place, of things. So, as I play the record, you try to imagine for yourself, images which appear before your brain from the music. Okay? Just imagine..
[ plays record ]
Horses! Horses! Ah, people! Mountains! Snow! Landscapes! A horse! The sky! A field! A big show with a lot of horses! A lot of people going into the show, some are trying to get in free. Ah, but they can’t! Some people can’t get in free, because they know that people are in the show! Everybody’s having a good time, and then.. and then, there’s..
[ skips record ]
Ah, rainbows! Ah! Rainbows, waterfalls.. ooh, they’re two people who meet and fall in love! And immediately they fly to Hawaii. Oh, they want to get married, but they can’t! Because the father doesn’t approve of the marriage, so finally they have to get the father to approve of the marriage! But suddenly, suddenly there’s a war!
[ skips record ]
Ah! There’s a war! Everybody’s gonig to Russia, to fight the enemies! Aaagghh!! Look out! Look out! Spy planes and rockets!
[ skips record ]
Rockets! Rockets! The Cossacks are coming! The Cossacks are coming! They’re coming in the house! They’ve got Kirby! They’ve got Kirby! Medic! Medic!
[ skips record, overturns stereo and wrecks the set ]
[ fade out ]
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: The Playboy Philosophy
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
The Playboy Philosophy
Socrates…..John Belushi
Plato…..Garrett Morris
Hef…..Hugh Hefner
[ open on group of ancient Romans ]
Announcer: Athens in the year 400 B.C. The cradle of Western civilization, and the birthplace of… The Playboy Philosophy. Each day, the wise men and youth of the city would gather in the marketplace to ask questions of the philosophers, and to learn at the feet of the one they called… Hef.
Socrates: If you recall, friends, yesterday we spoke of the ideal life. How should a man live? My answer, simply: Know thyself.
Plato: A wise thought, Socrates. And I said that a man ought to lea a just life, a life of harmony.
Socrates: Hmm… well spoken, Plato. But what say you, Hef? You who have traveled wisely, and have visited all the topless resorts? How should a man live?
Hef: Ah, but let us define our terms. Tell me, Plato: What is a man? A creature of desire? Of courage? Of reason?
Plato: Yes, of course!
Hef: Mmm-hmm. Then, WHY is a man different from the beast? The lion has courage. But does the lion decorate his cave… with a leather bedspread and shag carpeting?
Socrates: Uh-uh.
Plato: No.
Hef: And does the fox choose the aftershave lotion that is right for him?
Socrates: Ahhhh! I see! I see! The man is the only creature who can enjoy a sensual and uninhibited lifestyle, and-and-and-and live free and work hard!
Plato: [ first in Latin, then: ] “I have my own set… therefore, I am!”
Hef: Ah! Once again, Hef, you have proven yourself the wisest and most swinging of the Greeks. But answer this, if you can. One night last week, following a delicious dinner of musaka and white wine… I was startled to hear the young lady I was entertaining ask if I had a bottle of Ouzo. Just what is Ouzo, anyway, and where do I buy it?
Socrates: Well, this is indeed a difficult riddle! Now, here’s one for you: [ he clenches his pipe in his teeth and holds up a vase ] How many of you can spot the rabbit on this vase?
Plato: Mmm, mmm, mmm! You are far too SLY for us! Clearly, you have no equal in the field of sophisticated men’s entertainment! But, we’ve had enough for today. Shall we go to my house? The sauna is working now.
Socrates: Yes, let’s go!
[ they start to rise ]
Hef: Well, you two go without me. I must stay here and sit and ponder… the ultimate question.
[ the other men are fruatrated ]
Socrates: Aw, give up, Hef! Night after night, you brood over the same question! Come with us — we’ll have a drink and playboy forum!
Hef: No. Leave me now. I’ll join you later.
Socrates: I’ll leave you to your thoughts.
[ Socrates follows after the other men ]
Hef: [ thinking out loud ] To go pink, or not to go pink?
[ pan upwards on set and into audience, closing in on attractive blonde with SUPER: “Gives Great Expectations” ]
[ fade ]
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women
Captain Macho…..Hugh Hefner
Lt. Testosterone…..John Belushi
Coporal Hardin…..Dan Aykroyd
Corporal Fellopia…..Laraine Newman
Captain Estrogena…..Jane Curtin
Lt. Aeriola…..Gilda Radner
[ SUPER: “It is the year 3,000 in the distant Mirror Universe. One side of this Universe is ruled by the Men; the other side is ruled by the Women. An asteroid storm from the planet LUBRICAX has shattered the delicate solar mirror which separates both sides, and each has just discovered the other’s existence. Conflict is inevitable as the first starship of THE MEN races toward the first starship of THE WOMEN, for a battle in deep space.” ]
[ SUPER: “Planet of the Men vs. Planet of the Women” ]
[ open on interior, Spaceship of the Men, long and shaft-like ]
Captain Macho: How long until we accept the the enemy vessel, Lt. Testosterone?
Lt. Testosterone: Two minutes ’til battle phase, Captain Macho.
Captain Macho: Corporal Hardin, has that detectoscan given us any further data on what we’re gonna be up against?
Corporal Hardin: Detectoscan and bioanaylsis indicate the occupants of the enemy ship are different but basically equal to us. However, Captain Macho, our ship is physically superior to theirs.
Kyle: Caption Macho, the enemy ship is within firing range.
Captain Macho: Alright, set rockets for cruising. Eveybody stay cool. Let them make the first move.
[ camera pans to window for view of Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women, donut-shaped ]
Corporal Fellopia: Captain Estrogena, the enemy starship is within electroscanning distance.
Captain Estrogena: What dos it look like, Lt. Aeriola?
Lt. Aeriola: Here it is, Captain. [ Spaceship of the Men is seen from outside the window ] Their ship is not as big as we had hoped.
Corporal Fellopia: And, from this manuevering, it appears that our opponents have little control over their craft.
Captain Estrogena: Alright, women, let’s break down their defenses, and hit them at their weakest point. Corporal Fellopia, activate the Horn Ray.
[ Corporal Fellopia presses button on “boob” ray, firing shots at Spaceship of the Men ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men, the Men reacting to the ray ]
Lt. Testosterone: Mmm.. you know.. my flight suit feels real tight..
Kyle: Yeah, we’ve been on the ship about two years now..
Captain Macho: Listen, men, we’re being bombarded by some kind of powerful new weapon, but we must gain control. Kyle, try counting backwards from 100, or try thinking about sports.
Corporal Hardin: I can’t take this much longer, Captain. Can’t we do something to stop them?
Captain Macho: Maybe if we give them a scare. Let’s fire the Mouse Ray.
Kyle: Firing the Mouse Ray. Mmm..
[ fire Mouse at the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ show Women standing atop their chairs screaming in panic ]
[ cut back to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Lt. Testoterone: Captain, Macho, we’ve lost control! We’re going to collide!
[ the two spaceships collide phallically, Spaceship of the Men stuck in between the Spaceship of the Women ]
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Women ]
Captain Estrogena: Damage report?
Corporal Fellopia: No serious damage, Captain, but our vessel will never be the same.
Lt. Aeriola: Maybe we should give them half-an-hour, and see if they’ll attack again.
Captain Estrogena: I don’t know about you, but I could certainly use a cigarette.
[ cut to interior, Spaceship of the Men ]
Captain Macho: That was some battle, men. I think we’d better get some sleep.
Kyle: Are you sure, Captain? Are you sure? I think we ought to do battle again right now!
[ Men on spaceship fall asleep ]
[ SUPER: “THE END” ]
Announcer: Join us next week for “Escape From the Planet of the Gays”
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
…..Jane Curtin
…..Dan Aykroyd
Tour Leader…..Tom Schiller
Nadia Comanechi…..Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Here are Jane Curtin and Don Aykroyd.
Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan Aykroyd.
Announcer: What was that?
Dan Aykroyd: That’s Dan, Don.
Announcer: [ amused ] Oh, I’m sorry, Dan! It must have been a typographical error in my script! I beg your Pardo!
Dan Aykroyd: That’s pardon.
Announcer: [ more amused ] Oh, I’m sorry! It must have been a typographical error!
Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Don Pardo.
Our top story tonight: Professor John Van Vleck, of Harvard University, won the Nobel Prize for Physics this week. He is shown here with his invention: a party doll for older men. Congratulations, Professor.
Jane Curtin: A terrorist group calling themselves the Gay Bakers struck again yesterday, this time in Des Moines, Iowa.
[ cut to footage of Anita Bryant seated at a table during a press conference ]
Jane Curtin V/O: Now, watch this:
Anita Bryant: — all kinds of problems. And, uh, everyth —
[ suddenly, a cream pie is shoved into Bryant’s face ]
Male Voice: No, no! Let him stay.
Anita Bryant: Well, at least it’s a fruit pie!
[ cut back to the news desk ]
Jane Curtin: Fortunately, Ms. Bryant, who was not inujured, enjoyed a good laugh, and said it was okay if the assailant dated her husband!
The National Association of Broadcasters, better known as the N.A.B., has issued revised guidelines for laxative commercials on television, stating graphic representations of symptoms and/or product mechanics shall not be permitted. For example: rain, rivers, gelatin, concrete blocks, etc. The laxative industry’s Delegation of United Manufacturers and Producers, better known as D.U.M.P., issued a reply saying, “We have received the guidelines and shall draw our conclusion, as we usually do, by a process of elimination.”
Dan Aykroyd: Dodgers fan Miss Lillian Carter, this week, told the Los Angeles Times that she doesn’t like ABC sportscaster Howard Cosell, saying “I don’t want him to die, but I wish they’d take him off the air.” Cosell, responding to the remarks of the 79-year-old Presidential Mother, reportedly said, “I have no animosity toward Miss Lillian… and I hope she lives to be 80.”
[ tour group enters and starts wandering around the set, alarming Jane and Dan ]
Tour Leader: — of course, this is the “Update” set, in Studio 8-H, where “Saturday Night Live” is produced every Saturday evening.
Dan Aykroyd: What’s going on here? What’s the story? What’s going on here?
Tour Leader: This is the Chroma-Key area. There’s Dan Aykroyd and Jane curtin, who are — I’m sorry, Chevy Chase is no longer with the show. If you’ll come this way, we’ll see the recording studio…
Dan Aykroyd: [ picks up the phone on the desk ] Control? Yeah, they just brought a tour through the “Update” set, and… Oh, that’s going to be normal procedure? Oh, okay… [ he hangs up ] I don’t know. [ he sighs, then continues ]
With the discovery of still another diamond dealer’s body this week in Puerto Rico, the count is now at least six murders of diamond dealers, with more discoveries anticipated. Authorities, with few clues to go on, are now confronted by the possibility of a motive — they’re calling it… “gemocide”.
Jane Curtin: This week, the Supreme Court upheld Congress’ ban on the use of Medicaid money for abortions. The court ruled that a fetus becomes a human being at three months, if the parents earn $15,000 or more a year. And at one month, if the parents earn less.
Nadia Comanechi, the fifteen-year-old darling of the 1976 Olympics has just begun a 60-city tour of the United States, and, frankly, I couldn’t be happier. She’s like poetry in motion, and we have this footage for you right now.
[ cut to footage of Nadia Comaneci doing gymnastics — a flip, a tumble, looking cute for the crowd ]
Nadia Comaneci: Hi! I’m Nadia Comeaneci! Aren’t I cute! Please. Come see me perform all over this country when I come to your city! I’m only fifteen-years-old now, but I have to make all the money I can, because I won’t be cute forever! Before you know it, I’ll grow up to be a big fat Romanian woman with fat thighs and a moustache like my mother! We don’t age so good! So, who’s gonna want to see me then? It’s so hard to do gymnastics while you’re arguing with storekeepers! So, see me now, while I’m still darling! Bye!
[ cut back to the newscast, as Dan and Jane banter ]
Dan Aykroyd: You know, Jane, she is so cute, that girl.
Jane Curtin: She sure is.
Dan Aykroyd: But I thought the parallel bars were her first love?
Jane Curtin: Mine, too. A lot of us girls who took gym class lost it to the parallel bars.
Dan Aykroyd: The Calhoun National Bank, in Georgia, has constructed a new office for returning bank executive Bert Lance, following Lance’s request that he be allowed to start al over again at the bottom.
Jane Curtin: Well, the World Series opened this week, and, after four games, the Yanks are leading three games to one. [ audience cheers ] Tomorrow, they’ll play the fifth game at Dodger Stadium, with Ethel Merman singing the National Anthem before the game. [ reveal photo of a dolphin ] The Yanks have surprised a lot of skeptics with their pitching, despite the fact that most of their pitchers are injured. But, as insurance, in the event that the Series does go the full seven games, the Yanks have announced the signing of former St. Louis Cardinals’ Dizzy Dean. Despite the fact that Dean has been dead for the past two years, the Yankee brass is confident that he’ll still fare better than Catfish Hunter.
Dan Aykroyd: I’m sure Dizzy’ll bounce back there…
[ the NBC Dancing “N” dances in with a bulletin ]
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, we have a buletin coming in on the NBC Dancing N. This is the NBC Bews update Dancing N. [ he tears the bulletin off the side of the “N” ] This just in, from your National Drug Abuse Association: “Cocaine and heroin do not mix. If you must snort, don’t shoot.”
Jane Curtin: Well, tonight, we’re proud to announce that tonight’s show is the first “Saturday Night Live” to be broadcast overseas to the Armed Forces Network. And we’d like to welcome some one million military personnel who are watching “Weekend Update” for the first time. Uh.. this just in – we’re at war. Army personnel, turn off your sets and do what you’re supposed to do. Just kidding! Good night, and have a pleasent tomorrow.
Announcer: “Weekend Update” is a presentation of “Saturday Night News”, keeping American informed for over a fiftieth of a century.
SNL Transcripts: Hugh Hefner: 10/15/77: The X-Police
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 3
77c: Hugh Hefner / Libby Titus
The X-Police
Woman … Jane Curtin
Man … John Belushi
Policeman #1 … Bill Murray
Policeman #2 … Dan Aykroyd
[A man reads a newsletter and a woman reads a book while sitting on a sofa in a nicely furnished living room, a large window overlooking a city skyline in the background. The woman closes her book and puts it on the coffee table in front of her, then leans back with a sigh.]
Woman: I’m done studying for tonight. How ’bout you, honey?
Man: Yeah. I don’t think I’m gonna find a cure for cancer tonight. [closes newsletter and puts it on coffee table]
Woman: Mmm.
Man: What do you say we just relax, smoke a joint, go to bed? [starts rolling a joint]
Woman: Great idea.
Man: Yeah. Too much studying, you know? You know, Dr. Shell’s paper on the isolation of cancer cells in bladder tissue is very interesting.
Woman: I’ll have to read that before I go to the day care center tomorrow.
Man: Oh, yeah. Please. I got it here somewhere. [lights up and takes a couple of drags on the joint, inhaling deeply, then, with eyes and mouth wide open:] Aaahhhhhh! [passes joint to woman who takes it – butbefore she can take a toke, the door bursts open and two plainclothes policemen charge in with guns drawn]
Policeman #1: Freeze!
Policeman #2: X-Police!
[Man and woman slump back on sofa, hands in the air.]
Man: X-Police?!
[The two cops flash their wallets – but there are no badges in them.]
Policeman #2: We were kicked off the force a couple of months ago.
Policeman #1: That won’t keep us from enforcing the law! You two were smoking marijuana! [takes joint out of woman’s hand, stubs it out in an ashtray and pockets it]
Woman: You can’t–!
Policeman #1: It’s a felony!
Woman: You can’t come in here without a warrant!
Policeman #1: All right. This is my warrant, baby.
[Policeman #1 hits woman on head with the butt of his gun, knocking her unconscious.]
Man: [jumps up in protest] Hey! Look! You can’t–!
[Policeman #2 grabs man and pushes him up against door.]
Man: Whaaaaaaa!
[Policeman #2 shakes the man violently by the collar, pounding his head against the door with every syllable:]
Policeman #2: [screaming viciously] I don’t suppose you’ve ever seen a thirteen year old turned on to heroin because some punk like you gave her a marijuana joint?! Pot! Grass! Marijuana! It’s all the same!
Policeman #1: [calmly] Joe! Maybe you should stop hitting his head against the wall. He’s already unconscious. He could get seriously hurt.
Policeman #2: [still pounding away viciously] I guess … you’re … right!
[Policeman #2 finally stops and lets the man drop limply to the floor. The two cops stand over the motionless body.]
Policeman #2: It’s too late. He’s dead! Another marijuana-related death!
Policeman #1: Better make it look like the girl did it.
Policeman #2: That’s a good idea. [pulls out his gun and shoots the man, sighs, then sees a glass of water by the windowsill] Okay, gimme that glass of water.
[#1 wipes the fingerprints off his gun with a handkerchief as #2 fetches the glass of water – #1 puts the gun in the unconscious woman’s hand – #2 hands the water glass to #1 who, taking care not to get prints on the glass, splashes water in the woman’s face to wake her up – she awakens with a cry and looks around, sees the man on the floor and rises to stare at him in horror.]
Woman: What’s happened?
Policeman #2: Huh! You two were smoking marijuana. You got hysterical. He threw a glass of water in your face. And you shot him!
Woman: [horrified, she drops the gun and screams] What have I done?! Aaaaaahhhhhh!
[The two cops watch impassively as the woman runs screaming to the window and jumps through it, smashing the glass and disappearing from view.]
Policeman #1: [rolls his eyes, takes joint out of pocket, holds it up] Marijuana! [crushes the joint in his fingers as the snarky X-Police theme music kicks in]
Policeman #2: Let’s get out of here before the real police arrive.
[#1 throws down the joint. #2 throws down the handkerchief. The two cops exit. Dissolve to the woman, breathing heavily, a cloth over her face, as she stands in a police station, waiting to be photographed for her criminal file.]
Don Pardo V/O: Susan Klein recovered from her fall and was convicted of first degree murder in the shooting death of her husband. She was sentenced to life in prison at the California State Women’s Penitentiary where she was killed in a prison riot. [Dissolve to agraphic of a badgeless wallet over which is superimposed the text: X-POLICE] Join us again next week for another episode of X-Police!
[Dissolve to a wide shot of the now empty living room set and theapplauding audience.]
SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:Bit Players:
October 29th, 1977
Charles Grodin
Paul Simon
The Persuasions
Art Garfunkel
Al Franken
Tom Davis
Alan Zweibel
Michael O’Donoghue
Neil Levy
Tom Schiller Unprepared Charles
Summary: The cast are upset when Charles Grodin misses dress rehearsal so he can buy gifts for everyone.
Transcript
Montage
Charles Grodin’s Monologue
Summary: Charles Grodin confesses that he didn’t realize there would be an audience, and he wishes he had put more time aside to rehearse.
Transcript
Weekend Update Promo
Summary: While the rest of the world sleeps, a groggy-eyed Dan Aykroyd stays awake to prepare the next night’s news.
Transcript
Return of The Coneheads
Summary: Back on Earth in time for Halloween, The Conehead Family dispense fried egg embryos and beer to trick-or-treaters.
Recurring Characters: Beldar Conehead, Prymaat Conehead, Connie Conehead.
Transcript
Charles’ Movie
Paul Simon performs “Slip Sliding Away”
First Performed: 75b.
Consumer Probe
Summary: Irwin Mainway’s (Dan Aykroyd) unsafe Halloween costumes include the Invisible Pedestrian and Johnny Combat.
Recurring Characters: Irwin Mainway.
Transcript
The “Anyone Can Host” Contest
Summary: Bill Murray updates viewers on the contest’s progress as Michael O’Donoghue rejects entries for various minor infractions.
Transcript
Samurai Dry Cleaners
Summary: Impressed by the premise, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as Samurai Futaba by commenting on it throughout the sketch.
Recurring Characters: Futaba.
Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Dan Aykroyd
Summary: Entertainment reporter Bill Murray criticizes one-man shows for not being a real theatrical experience. Dr. Willard Jackson (Garrett Morris) shows Dan Aykroyd the bones of famous dead people.
Simon & Garfunkel
Summary: Paul Simon is vexed by Charles Grodin’s need to do a duet with him while donning an Art Garfunkel wig, which Art Garfunkel himself relinquishes.
Transcript
The Killer Bees
Summary: Thrown by the costumes, Charles Grodin ruins John Belushi’s performance as the leader of the Killer Bees and is promptly told off.
Recurring Characters: Bees.
Transcript
The Judy Miller Show
Summary: Judy Miller (Gilda Radner), an excitable little girl, hosts a talk show for herself in her bedroom.
Recurring Characters: Judy Miller.
Transcript
The Professional School of Football
Summary: Spokesman (Garrett Morris) quizzes viewers on their potential to become professional football players.
Transcript
Paul Simon performs “You’re Kind”
Hire The Incompetent
Summary: Dress rehearsal absentee Charles Grodin speaks out for the rights of other incompetent people.
Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
SNL Transcripts: Charles Grodin: 10/29/77: Weekend Update Promo
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: Episode 4
77d: Charles Grodin / Paul Simon
Weekend Update Promo
…..Dan Aykroyd
Foreground Passengers…..Tom Davis, Al Franken, Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
[ open on interior, airplane, late at night. All the passengers are asleep, except for Dan Aykroyd in the rear. ]
Announcer: News gathering is a tough, demanding job. News never stops happening, so the best reporters never stop working. And the “Weekend Update” reporters are the best. That’s why, on assignments from Bangor to Bangkok — or wherever the American Press is working — there will always be one reporter who hangs in there, when all the others have quit.
[ zoom in on Aykroyd as he smokes and types up a story ]
That reporter is award-winning newsman… Dan Aykroyd. He’s the guy in the “Weekend Update” news team who works overtime, staying up all night to bring you total news coverage.
[ reveal that Aykroyd is exhaustedly typing away with no sheet of paper within his typerwriter’s carriage ]
The BEST keep on working. The news doesn’t wait ’til the morning… and you can’t write the news if you’re asleep.
[ Aykroyd reaches down to pull out his copy, suddenly realizing he has been typing directly onto the carriage. He glances around, confused. ]
[ fade ]
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Saturday Night Live: 1977-1978
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 3: 1977-1978
The Complete Third Season on DVD
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Starring:
Episodes
Summary The ratings for “Saturday Night Live” keep getting better and better, and nothing evidents it greater than this season’s April 22nd, 1978 broadcast with host Steve Martin and musical guest The Blues Brothers. From the Wild & Crazy Czechoslavakian Festrunk Brothers to Medieval Barber Theodoric of York, everything that highlighted the 1977 season could be found in this one all-time fan favorite episode.
But not everything on the show was zen perfection. If fact, tensions built up behind-the-scenes earlier that season when former castmember Chevy Chase came back to host the show. Bill Murray had made quite a name for himself on “SNL” by this time, and he made the information as clear as possible to Chevy, leading up to a fistfight just minutes before the show went to air. Despite these differences, the cast pulled themselves together long enough to put on a decent show – and overall, they put on one of “SNL”‘s best seasons ever.