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[ he holds up a series of cards, which he flips as he speaks ]
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The Rovco Chinch Ranch has ALL the elements of a professional chinchilla farm. This compact profit-making package includes two healthy, five-week old chinchilla — a male and one female. You also get this roomy, pre-fabricated chinchilla high-rise, where your chinches will breed and mature, in less than a year, into beautiful and valuable creatures. And, friends, you will be fully equipped when the time comes, because Rovco’s Chinch Ranch features the patented Chinch-King Chinch Harvester, a brand new advancement in chinchilla hide extrusion.
Are you saying: “I could never, personally, skin a chinchilla”? Well, let’s just let a couple of Rovco chinch ranchers show us how fast and easy it really is.
[ wipe to suburban couple in their apartment, overlooking various cages of chinchilla ]
Pitchman V/O: When you remove your mature chinches from their high-rise home — [ Male Rancher pulls the chinchilla out ] simply use the patented Chinch-King chinchilla harvester to extrude the rodent’s beautiful pelts.
[ they place the chinchilla inisde the harvester, flip the switch, and watch as ground meats spills out one end and a beautiful pelt comes out the other ]
Pitchman V/O: Isn’t that amazing! That’s how fast and easy it really is!
[ Female Rancher retrieves the pelt from the machine, then crosses the room to her sewing machine and an in-the-works chinchilla coat ]
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[ Male Rancher steps forward with a plate of chinchilla burgers ]
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Female Rancher: [ biting into the burger ] Wow! That’s great chinch!
Male Rancher: This chinch tastes like chicken!
Female Rancher: Mmm!
[ Pitchman appears in oval in corner of screen, as the couple eat ]
Pitchman: Rovco Chinch Ranch home chinchilla breeding kit, now $89.95 — that’s $89.95. Order now and receive two free booklets: “100 Chinchilla Fur Patterns”, and “20 Ways to Prepare and Serve Chinch”. It’s a cinch to ranch chinch, with Rovco!
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin Dr. Ike Bodanza…..Buck Henry
[ opening graphics ]
[ dissolve to Joan Face ]
Joan Face: Good evening, and welcome to “More Flu to Worry About”. I’m your host, Joan Face, and tonight’s guest, Dr. Ike Bodanza, is well known for his work in isolating new strains of flu virus. Dr. Bodanza, it already seems like there’s been one flu scare after another: Asian Flu, Swine Flu, Russian Flu. And now, pathologists predict that in the ’80’s, entire populations will be WIPED OUT by massive flu epidemics. You know, like the Bubonic Plague in the Middle Ages?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ chuckling ] Ye-es! There’s no point in sugarcoating the truth, Miss Face. When it comes to flu, the ’80’s are gonna be pretty grim.
Joan Face: Well, Dr. Bodanza, the viewers of this show don’t tune in to listen to fairy tales. By and large, they’re either flu specialists or hypochondriacs — and they want to hear the worst.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ excited ] Good! Because people who just want to hear about the mild, gentle, good flus make me sick!
Joan Face: Okay! So what’s the most horrible of the new Fall flus?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, alright — hold on a minute. I’d hate to single one out, when there are so many. There’s Danish Flu, Pakistani Flu, the Toad Flu —
Joan Face: Toad Flu! Now, isn’t that the one where, instead of vomiting and diarrhea, everything backs up and down inside your body until you explode?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Exactly! It’s a grisly business for the close relatives, Miss Face.
Joan Face: [ she chuckles ] Oh, yes, I know. My aunt had it. It was terrible, we had to re-paper the entire house!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Now, I KNOW you want to ask me about this one.
Joan Face: If it’s about flu, I do.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: The most disturbing new microbe of all: the Australian Flu. This is one stunningly obnoxious virus.
Joan Face: Really? Go on.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, first off: They love to travel. This virus can’t wait to get out of Australia, and into your body — and who can blame them?
Joan Face: Well, has it, uh — has it reached America yet?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Miss Face, at present there are THREE carriers of Australian Flu living in the United States.
Joan Face: Really! You keep tabs on them?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.
Joan Face: Well, who are they!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Olivia Newton-John, Helen Reddy, and Lana Cantrell.
Joan Face: Well, how did you pin it down on them?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: We observed the highest incidence of infection occurred whenever Olivia, Helen, or Lana did a club date.
Joan Face: Well, what about the millions and millions of children going to see “Grease” five, six, seven times?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: No, no, no. It’s only spread through personal appearances.
Joan Face: Oh, thank God. Well, what are these symptoms of Australian Flu?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Imagine, if you will, Miss Face, a tiny 747 jam-packed with Australian tourists — viruses who have never left home before landing in your respiratory system. And while you’re contemplating THAT… think about a continent with only one country on it!
Joan Face: Why? What does that have to do with anything?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: I don’t know… I just always thought it was stupid.
Joan Face: Alright! Well, back to the Australian Flu — how long does it last?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Well, it’s a 21-day excursion flu. Let me put it this way: To your virus — to THIS virus — your body is a Club Med for microbes. They have NO respect for the human host.
Joan Face: Well, who is the ideal host?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: I’d still have to say Johnny Carson. [ he laughs at his joke; Joan laughs with him ] But back to the Australian Flu. I think you have to understand its mentality. These microbes are on vacation. They don’t care about you, they just want to live out their fantasies — whether it’s climbing on a white corpuscle and surfing through the bloodstream, or just lounging in the islets of Langerhans.
Joan Face: Well, you have to admit Australians are good travelers!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Ah, but they try to do too MUCH! They want to see everything the first day. I mean, the schedule is unrealistic. Listen to this schedule, for example: 8:00 to 9:00, breakfast in the brain; 9:00 to 10:00, a hike in the thighs; 10:00 to 12:00, shopping in the kidneys; and noon, lunch in the small intestines, or, as they like to call it: au petit colon.
Joan Face: Whew! What a pace! I couldn’t do it!
Dr. Ike Bodanza: That’s just the morning! It never lets up: Happy hour in the tongue, disco dancing in the feet — if there’s time and they still have the energy, they’ll take in a toenail! It’s crazy! It’s crazy!
Joan Face: [ laughing ] It is crazy, I admit it! But wait a minute, I just remembered I know someone who SAW Lana Cantrell at the Rainbow Grill! Does that mean this person contracted the flu?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: Absolutely.
Joan Face: Well, what can they do?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: What can they do? [ he chuckles ] Make the best of it, that’s what I’d do. Become a tourist trap: Overcharge the little suckers! If you make it too inviting, they’ll never leave! Give ’em bad accomodations, slow room service — they HATE slow room service, Miss Face.
Joan Face: Well, who doesn’t, Dr. Bodanza?
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] It’s the only way to do it…
Joan Face: I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have on “More Flu to Worry About”.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Don’t allow them any ice…
Joan Face: Thank you, and good night.
Dr. Ike Bodanza: [ mumbling to himself ] Give them a hard time… don’t make up their bed…
Buck Henry: Good night, everybody. Thank you very much. Thanks to the Grateful Dead! Good night, see you all next week. Thank you!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Carrie Fisher, with musical guest The Blue Brothers. This is Don Pardo, answering thousands of requests by saying: “Good night!”
…..Laraine Newman Dennis V. Hunkler…..Bill Murray Victoria…..Gilda Radner Bill Temple…..Garrett Morris Betty Crane…..Jane Curtin Staffer…..Alan Zweibel Staffer…..Brian Doyle-Murray
[ open on Laraine Newman standing before a political podium at the Ramada Inn ]
Laraine Newman: This Laraine Newman, here at Hunkler Headquarters, in the small ballroom of the Ramada Inn, and the mood is somber. Hunkler, of course, is the congressional candidate who gained national attention by divorcing his wife of twelve years to marry a campaign aide, only to have the marriage annulled when it was revealed the girl was a minor. Evidently, voters did not buy Hunkler’s explanation that it was “an honest mistake”, because it appears that he has lost the congressional election by a record margin. In fact, not only will Hunkler’s opponent be the FIRST Republican in memory to WIN this traditionally Democratic seat, but it will be the first time that the Democrats have been outpolled by the Socialist Workers Party.
Hunkler trailed last evening; he trailed throughout the night; he continued to trail today; and, finally, this evening, with 99 of the precincts in, Hunkler’s staff has announced that he’s ready to concede. [ she looks behind her ] Oh — here he comes now.
[ Laraine steps out of frame, as the camera zooms closer to candidate Dennis V. Hunkler, now standing behind the podium and surrounded by his staff ]
[ the crowd applauds and cheers ]
Dennis V. Hunkler: Thank you. [ sullenly ] My campaign manager has informed me that… even if I got every single vote in the remaining precinct, and every single absentee ballot… it is mathematically impossible for me to win.
Crowd: NO!! NO!!
Dennis V. Hunkler: Yeah — we lost. A few moments ago, I sent my opponent this telegram:
Crowd: NO!!
Dennis V. Hunkler: [ reading ] “Dear Congressman-Elect Trimble: My campaign manager has informed me that even if I get every single remaining vote, it is stillmathematically impossible for me to win. So here is the congratulatory telegram that I’m supposed to send. Sincerely, Dennis V. Hunkler.”
[ the crowd claps lightly ]
Dennis V. Hunkler: Now, I’d like to thank all those people who worked so hard —
Crowd: YEAH!! YEAH!!
Dennis V. Hunkler: My new girlfriend, Victoria, who has… stood by me. She stood by me in these past ten days, since the annullment.
My good friend Bill Temple, who helped me get the vote out in the Black community. Bill was the guy who got Coretta King to fly here to endorse me. And, Bill, let me take this opportunity, once again, to apologize for punching Mrs. King in the stomach. All I can say is, I — I had had a rough day, I was cranky, and I just did not recognize her. I’m sorry.
Uh — Betty Crane, my press secretary. Betty bore the brunt of a LOT of bad criticism I received after I accused my opponent of being an illegal alien. Once again, I was under a LOT of pressure, it was a televised debate — I just PANICKED! You know, I thought I could really get him with that one. [ he kisses Betty on the forehead ]
This has not been the easiest campaign. I have mde some mistakes. Any time you rely on your instincts, you’re bound to make mistakes. Perhaps “Let’s Raise Property Taxes Sky High” was not the best theme for a campaign in 1978. Uhhh — and we lost some time, early in the campaign — four months, to be exact — fulfilling my pledge to walk the state. [ scattered applause ] I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it. But, perhaps here, in a state like Montana, I would have been better off driving or even flying the state. But I’ve learned from my mistakes, and one thing I DO know is that I’ll be back in two years. [ cheers ] And, next time, WE’LL be the ones with 86%, and Mr. Trimble will be the one with 6%!
[ the crowd cheers loudly, as the camera pulls back to Laraine ]
Laraine Newman: Well, there you have it: A concession speech from Dennis V. Hunkler. But perhaps a ray of hope for the future. This has been Laraine Newman, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
Buck Henry: Well, thank you very much, it is WONDERFUL to be back here. It’s wonderful to be back for, I don’t know, the sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth — whatever time it is that I’m doing it. [ the audience applauds ] And, uh — these are the BEST people to work with in the world. Now, I’m not saying this, not because I’ve been here so many times, but because they are… they are dear friends of mine and I am in awe of them. And the fact that they recognize that I am someone that can come back time and time again, in order to entertain you, has nothing to do with that feeling on my part. It’s simply my recognition, I think, that perhaps I lend a comedic sense to this show that is not easily gotten.
[ SUPER: “Sometimes when Buck does his monologue, we run words under him. This is called a “crawl”; it gives the audience something to think about while Buck is talking.” ]
Buck Henry: I mean, you have comics who come on the show, and they tell jokes, they’re aiming to make you laugh — and you have comedians, actors who do comedy, comedy actors who perform. They do things that are immediately recognizable as mirth-provoking, as laugh-giving. My technique is somewhat different. I — I don’t want to lean on this, but I think the point is that I think funny. I think funny, and I can — I believe I can recognize a humorous sitation when I see it. And I think that’s my value to the show.
[ SUPER: “We had planned on writing a crawl for Buck earlier this week, but somehow something always seemed to come up. Besides, we were still exhausted from the last show with Steve Martin. We really pushed ourselves last week, but then, Steve is so great, it’s worth all the effort.” ]
Buck Henry: Even here now, just talking to you, obviously, I think it’s possible for you to sense the humorousness in the situation of my simply telling you about comedy. Now, it’s not that I — I present myself as an expert any more than the people that do these things.
[ SUPER: “It’s different with Buck. There’s not all that pressure to do a “great show”. He’s not one of those perfectionists. He’s low-key. Very low-key. For us, a Buck Henry show is sort of midway between a show and a week off.” ]
Buck Henry: I think you have to understand that what I do is unique only in that it is ME doing it. It’s not — it’s not that just anybody can stand here and do it. They have to understand that, each week, someone different comes out here and present to you a point of view, persona, a mode of behavior, if you will. I — I could analyze it at some length.
[ SUPER: “Of course, next week the pressure starts all Carrie Fisher hosts. We’re really excited about Carrie, and we’ve already started work. Some of us have seen STAR WARS six times this week! True! It really holds up. Watch.” ]
[ footage from “Star Wars”, as Buck continues to talk up in the left corner of the screen ]
Buck Henry: There are comics, as I’ve said… there are comedians… there are comedic forms of behavior… and, of course, there is a fourth type — a clown. Now, the clown we can go into later — that is a whole different comic aspect. That’s a kind of person who does something that doesn’t fit into the other categories. And I think the thing to understand is that each of these people, in their own way, can find a method for you to respond to something specific, something particular that they do, but something you can recognize as part of — what can I call it? — the, uh, human condition. Something that WILL keep you interested, AS you’ve been interested through my entire speech here tonight.
[ dissolve back to Buck alone on stage ]
Buck Henry: And it’s not just because you’re waiting for something to happen, it’s not because I use tricks — I don’t.
[ SUPER: “OK, what do you think of this idea for the Carrie Fisher show:
STAR WHORES — Carrie plays a hooker from outer space.” ]
Buck Henry: I’m simply appealing to you, as human beings, talking to you as one person to another, so you can understand exactly — [ the audience cheers at the above joke ] Exactly! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! That kind of response! And I understand it, and I appreciate it!
[ SUPER: “Or, how about this:
CAR WARS — It’s like Star Wars only they drive cars.” ]
Buck Henry: In the same way that you understand and appreciate what I’m trying to say to you.
[ SUPER: “Or, STAR BORES — It’s about celebrities who are really boring.
Actually, that would have been a nice one for Buck.” ]
Buck Henry: Because there is no difference between entertainment and education and information. We’re all part of the same subject, part of the same thing, and — well. I just don’t know what else to say about this, except that you’ve been very patient and very wonderful to listen to everything I’ve had to say on this subject. I hope you’ve learned, uh — as much as I’ve learned from you. In the futire, when we’re all here together again, I know we’ll be able to talk more about this, and be able to deal with it on EVEN deeper levels! You’re a fine, intelligent group.
[ SUPER: “If you liked any of the ideas for the Carrie Fisher show, or have some of your own, write to:
Ideas for Carrie N.B.C. New York, N.Y.
We don’t know the zip, but you can get it from the Post Office.” ]
[ the audience applauds ]
Buck Henry: Thank you, uh — we’ll be right back after THIS message.
Nick…..Bill Murray John Thompson…..John Belushi Cliff Morton…..Bill Kreutzmann …..Paul Shaffer Earl King…..Garrett Morris Barfly #1…..Laraine Newman Barfly #2…..Gilda Radner “Secretariat”…..Buck Henry Jimmy Joe Red Sky…..Dan Aykroyd
[FADE IN on a bar with a desert mural painted on the far wall. In the foreground, the bartender briefly speaks with a lanky brunette in a white leopard print backless dress. Jazzy piano music is heard as Nick, dressed in a red leisure suit studded with rhinestones, walks in and sets an empty beer mug behind the bar.]
Nick “Sands”:”I been through the desert on a horse with no name,It felt good to get outta the ra-ainnnnnn…
[The audience hoots and applauds as Nick picks up two full beer mugs.]
Nick “Sands”: “In the DESERT! You can’t remember your name, Cause there ain’t no one For to give you no paaaainnn…”
[He sets the mugs on a crowded table.]
Nick “Sands”: “La-la-LAAAAAAAAAA, la-la-la-laaaa… La-la-laaaaaaaaa… LAAAA-la-aaaaaaaaaaa……”
[applause]
Nick “Sands”: Thank you! Hey, for those of you who just came in, welcome to Nick Sands’ Strip North Oasis, located here on Nevada 287, which feeds into 15A, which winds on down into Las Vegas, and is therefore, technically, The Strip. Hence, The Strip North. Hey, we’ve only been here a couple of weeks, and I see we’ve already got some regulars here! Hey, I know I’ve seen you guys before, let’s treat ’em like a regular thing, huh? Hey, pardner, what’s your handle?
[He sticks the mike in front of a guy in a CAT tractor cap and work clothes.]
John Thompson: Uh, John Thompson in Winnemucca.
Nick “Sands”: [turning to the other worker] And who are you, fella?
John Thompson: Cliff Morton. Bakersfield, California.
Nick “Sands”: All right, and what brings you guys back to The Strip North?
John Thompson: First time we came here, uh, we were thirsty, and I had to make a phone call. This time we had a flat tire out front.
[laughter]
Nick “Sands”: That is too bad. [turns around] Hey, let’s play our game with ’em, Paul.
[Paul launches into a new piano line.]
Nick “Sands”: A round of beers for you guys if you can guess the name of this song.
Nick “Sands”: [singing] “Ah, who’s the black dick Who’s the sex machine to all the chicks?”
[laughter]
Nick “Sands”: “SHAFT!”
[He turns and struts up to Paul at the piano.]
Nick “Sands”: “You see, this cat Shaft is a bad mother–“
Paul: “Shut your mouth!”
[laughter]
Nick “Sands”: “Well, I’m talking about Shaft! He’s a complicated man, Nobody understands him But his old ladyyyyyy… JOHN Shaft.”
Nick “Sands”: Hey, you think you got a clue? [sticks mike in John’s face]
John Thompson: “Shaft.”
Nick “Sands”: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH, he got it! [to bartender] Hey, “Shaft,” get a round of beers for this table over here!
Bartender: Well, I think it was a lucky guess, but I’ll do it if you say so, Nick. [serves up two beers]
Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m sorry we didn’t have a BOARD meeting on it, Earl! Earl King, our bartender. I know you OWN five percent of the Strip North, but I own TWENTY percent, so just do it, will ya? [more quietly] We have four owners, and we all share the work, and right now I’m doing MY twenty percent for YOU people.
[reaches back for beers]
Nick “Sands”: Here you are, a couple of brewskies on Nick Sands.
[sets beers on table]
Nick “Sands”: [to Cliff] Hey….. Who wrote “Your Cheatin’ Heart”?
Cliff Morton: Hank Williams.
Nick “Sands”: Ah, here’s a Slim Jim for ya! [sets a Slim Jim on the table] Ha, ha, ha! Hey, what do you guys do, do ya work around here, is that it?
John Thompson: Uh, well, y’know, uhhhh, we got an auto, uh, an auto car semi, y’know, and, uh, we’re haulin’ gypsum… 3-rock ’bout a hundred and eighty miles from here. You know that big gray cloud, uh, you see as you come in?
Nick “Sands”: Sure.
John Thompson: That’s from the gypsum mine.
[piano cue]
Nick “Sands”: Well, John, Cliff, this is for you and everybody in the increasingly important gypsum industry.
[starts dancing]
Nick “Sands”: “I’m workin’ in a gypsum mine, Goin’ down, down, down, Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone] Got to FLIP DOWN! Workin’ in a gypsum mine, Goin’ down, down, down… [slinks down toward floor] Workin’ in a gypsum mine, OOOOOO! [tosses and catches microphone] I got to flip dooowww-HOOOOOWWWNN!!”
Nick “Sands”: Hey, gypsum: damn fine industry in this state of Nevada. Hey, Paul? Hey, “fifteen percent!” Ha-ha, ha-ha! Paul and I were talking… and y’know, it’s the lack of humidity out here that’s the saving grace. I’m from Illinois–back there, 95 degrees, I wilt. Out here–a hundred and fifteen, and I’m fine. But you know, it gets a hundred twenty-five, a hundred and thirty, and you cannot get me out of this air-conditioned cinder block, ha ha! [turns to side table] What do you think about that, gals? What brings you all to The Strip North?
Barfly #1: [in a drunken voice] Our husbands have gone huntin’, so we girls here are havin’ a little weekend of our own! [clinks glasses with others] YA-HOOOOOO!!!!!
Barfly #2: We’re just gettin’ warmed UP, Golden Throat!
[She stands up, cradles Nick’s neck, and leans drunkenly against him.]
Nick “Sands”: Well, I’m glad you like the material. [slides out of her arms] Well, uh, who is THIS guy, anyway?
Barfly #1: Uh, he works fer me, I call him Secretariat! HAH-HAH-HAH!!! [touches his cheek]
Barfly #2: That’s right, but tonight he’s workin’ fer BOTH of us!!
Nick “Sands”: [chuckling] Well, good luck, little filly, you’re gonna NEED it. They look like they mean business. HA HA HA HA. Ah, ha ha!
Barflies: YEEEEEEE-HAWWWWWWWW!!!
Nick “Sands”: Here’s to you two kids.
[ENTER a man in a vest and a plaid shirt with a dead snake in his hands.]
Nick “Sands”: UH-OH!! Here is another “SNO” co-owner, Jimmy Joe “Ten Percent” Red Sky! Hey, lookit THIS guy.
[Jimmy Joe teasingly shakes the dead snake in a barfly’s face.]
Nick “Sands”: “J.J. Ten,” of course, is a full-blooded Ojibwa [sic], and… the Indian, if nothing else, was a builder, and I love that, I’ve always loved that. He built this place, he put in the plumbing, he built the parking lot. Hey, what’ve you got here, anyway?
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Nick, this is the vicious desert sidewinder: the most dangerous snake in da whole state o’ Nevada!
Nick “Sands”: Yike, how did you get it?
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: I backed over him with da pickup truck!
[laughter]
Jimmy Joe Red Sky: Ya see, he was windin’ to the side when I did it. Y’know, at night, these snakes, dey, dey like to crawl out on the asphalt, y’know, ’cause it’s still warm, den dey relax one eye, so watch it dere when you go in da parkin’ lot, ya never know where dey are. I gotta get myself a drink.
Nick “Sands”: Well, thank you, Jimmy Joe, I think it’s an old Indian story. Hey, how ’bout some firewater for my architect, please? I tell ya, out in the parking lot, kick some stones under your car before you get there, that lets ’em know you’re getting there.
[Earl the bartender clangs a bell behind the bar.]
Nick “Sands”: Uh-oh, that’s the bad news bell here at “SNO.” Yeah. See, we have a limited liquor license here, because we are 200 yards outside of the zoning area, which wouldn’t let us stay open all night. So we gotta close at 11:00 now, but we are working on our 2:00 papers, and then hopefully the 24-hour license–but we gotta throw ya out now.
Nick “Sands”: [singing]”‘Cause when we get behiiiiiii-iind clooooooooosed doooooo-oo-oo-ors…”
Nick “Sands”: [to barflies] C’mon, girls, drink up! Drink up! C’mon! Take a bow!
Nick “Sands”: [singing]”That’s when I let my haaaaaaaaaaair haaaaaaaaaaaang low–“
Nick “Sands”: [to miners] LET’S GO, PEOPLE!!! TIME TO FACE REALITY!!! LET’S GO!!!
[The lanky woman at the bar gives Cliff a smoldering glance while the patrons all scurry out.]
Nick “Sands”: [singing]”And she makes me GLAAAAAAAAAD that IIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’M a MAAAAA-AA-AAAAAAAN–“
Nick “Sands”: C’mon, they’re very tough on us, please, move it on!
[Jimmy Joe starts putting up chairs and picking up glasses as the last of the customers exit.]
Nick “Sands”: [singing] “‘Cause NO ONE KNOOOOOOWS WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOO-OSED DOOO-OOOOOOOOORS…”
[Nick shuts the door behind them as the audience starts to applaud.]
Nick “Sands”: [singing] “BEHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINND… CLOOOOOOOO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOOOOOSED…. DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORS!!!!!”
[FADE to a wide shot of 8H. SUPERIMPOSE, “coming up next… The Joy of Hoarseness.” FADE OUT.]
Samurai Futaba…..John Belushi Mr. Dantley…..Buck Henry
[ open on interior, optometrist store, as Mr. Dantley enters carrying the day’s newspaper under his arm ]
Mr. Dantley: Hello! Can anybody help me?
[ Futaba, standing behind counter, turns around and grabs his sword ]
Announcer: And now, another episode of: “Samurai Optometrist”.
Samurai Futaba: [ steps forward and grunts a greeting ]
Mr. Dantley: Oh, fine, thanks! How are you? Listen, thank good ness you’re open. [ he holds up his newspaper ] You know, it’s the FIRST Sunday Times that we’ve had in about THREE months, and I have to break my reading glasses! [ he holds up his broken glasses ] Look — mangled! Look at this paper — all the news that’s fit to print! BY golly, I miss the Times! Do you think you can fix those glasses so I can read it?
Samurai Futaba: [ he grunts as he examines the mangled glasses ]
Mr. Dantley: You don’t? Well, what about new ones? Can I have new ones made up?
Samurai Futaba: [ grunting, he chops along his arm and leg ]
Mr. Dantley: Cost that much, huh? Listen, I don’t care WHAT it costs — if I can walk out of here with a pair of glasses so I can read my paper —
Samurai Futaba: [ directs Mr. Dantley to take a seat, as he seizes a sword, props it upon his shoulder, then flicks a switch and shines a light in Mr. Dantley’s eyes ]
Mr. Dantley: Ah-ha! Okay, well, I’ve got these glasses, but I need the reading ones — I’ve got ALL these great journalists waiting for me to read them! [ Futaba points ] The eye chart? Yeah.
Samurai Futaba: [ grunts, as he covers one eye and indicates for Mr. Dantley to read the letters before him ]
Mr. Dantley: Uh-huh. Which one? [ Futaba covers his left eye ] E, F, P! T, O, Z!
Samurai Futaba: Oh-ooohhh! [ impressed, he indicates for Mr. Dantley to now cover his right eye and read ]
Mr. Dantley: Okay. E, F, P! T, O, L —
Samurai Futaba: Uh-ohhhhhhh!
Mr. Dantley: [ concerned ] What, not so good? [ Futaba grunts ] Really bad? [ Futaba grunts ] Well, how bad is my eyesight?
[ Futbaba pulls out his sword and mimes using it as a walking stick ]
Mr. Dantley: Now, now, now! Cut the clowning, beause I need glasses! If I want to be entertained, I’ll go to see a comedian, not an optician!
Samurai Futaba: [ grunts ]
Mr. Dantley: I said I’ll go to see a comedian, not an optician!
Samurai Futaba: [ offended, he takes out his sword and presses it to his belly for hari kari ]
Mr. Dantley: No, no! Wait a minute! I — I — I’m sorry, I meant an optometrist! I’m sorry.
Samurai Futaba: [ he puts his sword back ] Phew!
Mr. Dantley: Now… you know what I miss more than anything about the Sunday Times?
Samurai Futaba: [ grunts, as he holds up a lens ]
Mr. Dantley: This may seem strange to you — it’s the crossword puzzle. [ Futaba grunts ] Yeah, the crossword puzzle. I mean, every Sunday, usuall, my wife and I lie in bed all Sunday and just do the crossword puzzle. It’s so much fun. But now, we haven’t had the paper for three months, we just had to lie there in bed and, uh —
Samurai Futaba: [ he pulls his sword in and out of its sheath a few times ]
Mr. Dantley: Alright, now those are the right lenses? [ Futaba holds them up ] Okay. Right. Now, are they — are they shatter-proof?
Samurai Futaba: Huh?!
Mr. Dantley: Are the lenses shatter-proof?
Samurai Futaba: [ he begins to grunt “Shattered” by the Rolling Stones, then pounds his fist upon the lenses on the counter; the counter crashes to the floor, but the lenses are in perfect condition ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah, I see. I see. Now, what about the frames? Yeah, I need something… something… some real nice frames.
Samurai Futaba: [ he grabs a pair of frames and plops them over Mr. Dantley’s eyes ]
Mr. Dantley: Yeah, those are nice. But, uh, I was thinking of something in a kind of fancy tortoise-shell, that’s what I’d really like.
Samurai Futaba: [ he reaches into an aquarium on the back ounter, and pulls out an actual living tortoise ]
Mr. Dantley: No, no, no! I didn’t want a tortoise. I want tortoise… shell… frames. [ Futaba grunts ] Yes! Exactly!
Samurai Futaba: [ he tosses the tortoise in the air and swings his sword. He picks up the tortoise to reveal a pair of tortoise-frame glasses embedded in the shell. ]
Mr. Dantley: Inredible! Just incredible! [ he puts the glasses on ] You do FABULOUS work! Now, if ONLY these were BIFOCALS!
Samurai Futaba: Ahhh! [ he swings his sword toward Mr. Dantley’s face ] Yee-ahhhh!!
[ the scene freezes, at least in theory ]
[ title card appears ]
Anouncer: Tune in next week for another episode of “Samurai Optometrist”!
[ pull back on studio wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Grateful Dead Story as told to Art Linkletter” ]
Dad: Come on, come on, come on! Let’s go! You know I hate missing the beginning of movies. You know that, now let’s go.
Mom: Let’s see “Foul Play”. I’m really dying to see that new, young comedian that falls down.
Dad: Yeah, yeah.. sure. I hope your friend Roy gets here soon, because we’re gonna miss the beginning.
Mom: What have you got against Roy Fogul?
Dad: I don’t know.. Any 45-year-old bachelor who has nothing to do but babysit, I just think it’s kind of weird, that’s all.
Mom: Well, anyway, the kids adore him! [ doorbell rings ]Hi, Roy! Come on in.
Uncle Roy: Hi, folks!
Mom: Oh, I really appreciate you coming over at the last minute!
Uncle Roy: Oh.. it’s my pleasure! I love babysitting!
Mom: The kids are ready for bed, but I told them they could stayup another five minutes to say hello to their Uncle Roy.. [ calling up the stairs ] Kids! Guess who’s here!
Dad: [ walking towards the front door ] I’m gonna go warm up the wagon..
[ the kids run downstairs screaming “Uncle Roy! Uncle Roy!” ]
Mom: Tracy, Terry! Five minutes, and then you go to bed!Don’t bother Uncle Roy! Goodbye, kids. Goodbye, Roy.
Uncle Roy: Goodbye! Don’t hurry back, we’ll be jut fine.
[ Mom leaves ]
Tracy: Uncle Roy, what did you bring us?
Uncle Roy: Oh, Uncle Roy’s got a surprise for you.
Terry: What is it? We want it now!
Tracy: Yeah!
Uncle Roy: Well, it’s a buried treasure.
Tracy: Is it buried in the lawn?
Uncle Roy: Nooo.. it’s buried on Uncle Roy.
[ the girls scream and yell, and start to dig around Uncle Roy’s pantspockets looking for the “buried treasure” ]
Tracy: [ pulls a box of Jujubes out of Uncle Roy’s right pocket ] I found it! I found it! It’s Jujubes, and they’re so good!
Terry: Oh, boy! Jujubes! [ the girls share ] Oh! Do a magictrick, Uncle Roy!
Uncle Roy: Oh, a magic trick? Okay. [ pulls a nickel and dime out of his pocket ] Here’s a nickel, and here’s a dime. Now, I’m gonna make the nickel.. [ rubs it on Tracy’s shoulder ] ..disappear! [ Tracy squeal with delight ] Here’s the dime, and I’m going to take it and make it disappear.. [ rubs it on Terry’s leg ] ..rubby-dubby-dubby! [ both girls squeal with delight ]
Terry: [ standing up ] Hey! I’m a magician, too! [ Roy looks on with interest ] I can make my face disappear! [ she pulls her nightgown over her head, exposing her panties to Uncle Roy ]
Tracy: [ stands up and copies Terry ] Uncle Roy! Look at me! I can’t make my face disappear, too!
Uncle Roy: [ pulls a Polaroid out of his jacket and starts to take close-up shots of the girls’ panties ] Oh, that’s good magic! You know.. your trick reminds me that it’s Wash Day today!
Girls: Yay!
Uncle Roy: So, why don’t you girls go upstairs and bring Uncle Roy all your dirty little things? [ excited, the girls run upstairs and start throwing their dirty clothes down the stairs to Uncle Roy ] Oh, yes! Littler things! Dirtier things! [ he catches more of the dirty laundry ] Now, why don’t you polish the banister?
Terry: Okay! [ puts one leg over the banister and slides down backward toward Uncle Roy ] Yay!
Uncle Roy: Atta girl!
Tracy: Uncle Roy! [ holds a pair of panties along the banister and walks it down ] Here’s my friend Katrinka! She’s gonna slide down the banister, too! [ drops the panties and lets them slide into Uncle Roy’s hands ] Yay!
[ the front door opens, and Mom walks in ]
Mom: I forgot my purse! Can you believe it!
Tracy: [ afraid ] Oh, Mommy! Uncle Roy ws just helping us do the laundry!
Terry: Yeah, right! As a surprise for you, Mom!
Mom: Roy, you’re too good!
Uncle Roy: I’m sorry! I’m just trying to help out.
Mom: Well, you don’t have to do that. Girls, you should be in bed by now!
Girls: I know..
Mom: [ laughing ] Silly me. I’d forget my head if it wasn’t attached to my shoulders!
Uncle Roy: Okay, now.. you’re sure you’ve got everything this time? You’ve got your gloves, your glasses, your keys, your Certs..
Mom: Yeah, I think so. Thanks again, Roy.
Uncle Roy: Sure. Take your time. Enjoy yourself. [ Mom leavesagain ] Okay. Guess what time it is now?
Terry: Ooh! Undress Dolly With a Vacuum Cleaner Time?
Uncle Roy: Oh, no.. That was last week. It’s time to play “Horsie”! [ the girls jump in excitement, then straddle upon the arms of the couch so they can race ]
Tracy: Why don’t you be the horsie, Uncle Roy?!
Uncle Roy: Uncle Roy be the horsie? Possibly.. But you know what? Uncle Roy’s pretty old for that, he’d rather just watch. Okay, the race is gonna begin.. and bang! They’re off! [ the girls simulate racing ] Looks like Misty’s going into an early lead! Blackie’s gaining of her! [ Uncle roy takes out his Polaroid again ] It’s Misty! It’s Blackie! It’s Misty! It’s Blackie! And.. it’s a photo-finish!
Tracy: Who won, Uncle Roy?
Uncle Roy: Who won? Well.. it’s a tie.
Girls: [ sighing ] Aww..
Uncle Roy: [ barking happily ]
Girls: [ excited ] It’s Ruffy! Ruffy!
Terry: [ tossing her slipper ] Here, Ruffy – fetch!
[ Uncle Roy climbs over the couch and scampers across the floor to retrieve the slipper ]
Tracy: Ruffy! Don’t go on the couch! You shouldn’t go on thecouch, Ruffy!
[ of course Uncle Roy climbs on the couch, so the girls start slapping his hind quarters with their slippers ]
Terry: Oh, bad dog!
Tracy: [ grabs Uncle Roy by the shirt collar ] Ruffy has to go in the closet! He is so bad!
Terry: Get in there, Ruffy! [ the girls laugh as they push Uncle Roy into the closet ] Tracy, you having fun?
Tracy: Are you?
Terry: Yeah!
Uncle Roy: [ muffled, inside of closet ] Ruffy’s gonna answer the phone! [ the girls open the closet door to let Uncle Roy out, he picks up the phone with his teeth ] Hello. Oh.. hello, yes, yes, yes! Oh, no, they’re sound asleep! [ mimes for girls to be silent ] What..? You’re coming home? What, just because you missed the first five minutes..? No, no.. of course, ocme home. After all, it’s your house! They’re your kids! See you soon! Bye!
Tracy: Come on, Uncle Roy, let’s play some more!
Terry: Yeah!
Tracy: Uncle Roy, how come.. how come you, you never got married and had babies?
Uncle Roy: [ sitting down on couch ] I don’t know, Tracy.. Sometimes.. sometimes I think the woman I’m gonna marry hasn’t been born yet. Or, maybe just in the last few years. Anyway, your Mommy and Daddy are going to be home soon, so scoot along, the two of you! Get on up to bed!
Tracy: I don’t wanna..
Terry: I’m not sleepy!
Uncle Roy: Don’t worry. Uncle Roy will be back next week, and we can all give Ruffy a nice tick bath! [ the girls get excited, say goodnight, and run upstairs ] Sweet dreams! [ Roy leans back and reflects on the naughty pictures of the girls he took that evening ]
[ zoom out wide, with SUPER: “coming up next… Hairstyles for the Religious” ]
…..Jane Curtin …..Bill Murray Elizabeth Taylor…..John Belushi …..Dan Aykroyd
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Chafe Boy-R-Dee, the ravioli you sprinkle on itchy Italians. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: U.S. officials feel that Israel and Egypt will break off their treaty negotiations, ruining President Carter’s Camp David peace initiative. Nobel Prize officials say that if the talks break off, Menachim Begin and Anwar Sedat will have to give up their prizes. And who will it go to? We understand either Yankee pitcher Ron Guidry or Boston outfielder Jim Rice.
Rock superstar Elton John was in a London hospital this week, after collapsing in his home. John, an admitted bisexual, had been complaining of an aching prostate gland and menstrual cramps.
The United States Census Bureau announced that the 1980 Census is under way, and it will cost one billion dollars to give us a numerical profile of our population. Currently, an American is born every 10 seconds, and one dies every 16 seconds. So, during the course of this newscast, we would like to welcome 60 new viewers… and to the 40 viewers leaving us: Those are the breaks.
Jane Curtin: Bill?
Bill Murray: When Cardinal Karol Wojtyla was chosen Pope a few weeks ago, Vatican insiders immediately began speculating whom he would name to take his place in Warsaw. Today, Pope John Paul II stunned the Catholic world when he named surrealist artist Salvadore Dali to the controversial post. It’s the first time in 150 years the position has been held by a painter, and the first time in 400 years by a surrealist.
The Senatorial race in Virginia was so close, that they are recounting the votes. So far the winner is Republican John Warner, who’s ahead by a very slight margin. Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re probably saying, “Bill, you maniac, what does this have to do with “Celebrity Corner”? Aren’t you getting off the track?” Uh-uh. Because this chief politician John Warner’s wife is none other than perhaps the greatest actress who’s ever lived, and whose face has set the standard for screen beauty for so many years. Of course I’m talking about Elizabeth Taylor.
[ a plump Elizabeth Taylor eating a chicken leg appears on the screen behind Bill ]
Bill Murray: Liz, welcome to “Celebrity Corner”!
Elizabeth Taylor: Thanks, Bill. It’s so nice to be here.
Bill Murray: Liz, how does it feel to be Mrs. Almost-Too-Soon-to-Tell Senator-Elect Warner, anyway?
Elizabeth Taylor: [ chewing as she talks ] Very exciting, Bill. I’m looking forward to being a Washington hostess.
Bill Murray: Liz, tell me this: we heard that you promised that if John won the election, that you would go on a diet from your present weight of 167 pounds, down to your “Butterfield 8” weight of 120. Is that true?
Elizabeth Taylor: That’s right. I’ve started on a strict diet. Nothing but chicken.
Bill Murray: That sounds great, Liz. But to me, I don’t care how much you weigh, just so your cheeks don’t puff up over those beautiful violet eyes that I’ve been in love with since “National Velvet”.
Elizabeth Taylor: [ not paying attention ] Mmm-hmm…
[ suddenly, Taylor starts to choke ]
Bill Murray: Liz, what about your career? I mean, can we look forward to seeing you in a movie soon? How about “Cleopatra II”? It seems like such a natural. I mean, how would John feel about that? Would there be a career conflict, now that you are also the wife of a United States Senator? [ Elizabeth Taylor pounds her chest to free the chicken, then starts spitting it up ] Well, thank you so much, Liz. It has been a real treat for me to have you on “Celebrity Corner”. And I think all your friends in the whole world join me when I say, “Good luck with that diet, I KNOW you’re gonna lose that weight.” She looks great, doesn’t she? I just know she’s gonna be a big hit on Capitol Hill.
[ Bill reaches into his pocket ]
Bill Murray: Jane, you know, uh, a clue to the whereabouts of Jimmy Hoffa was finally discovered today, and was delivered to the Weekend Update office. The thumb of the ex-Teamsters boss was discovered on Interstate US-80 by a man who thought he was picking up an extremely short hitchhiker.
[ Bill holds up the box with a thumb inside, obviously his own poking through a hle in the back of the box, making no real effort to hide thw illusion ]
The ex-Teamster’s thumb will be kept here at Weekend Update under heavy guard until services next week. [ he puts the box back in his pocket ]
Today, after the Republicans won both the Senate seats and the governorship of the state of Minnesota, that state reported its first earthquake in 20,000 years. The center of the quake was reported to be at the grave of Hubert Humphrey, who seismologists say was spinning at the rate of 7,000 revolutions per minute.
Jane?
Jane Curtin: Tragedy struck the world of horseracing this afternoon, when Seattle Slew was accidentally impaled on a hurdle he failed to clear. While the former Triple Crown winner looks as though he’ll fully recover, veterinarians have reduced his stud fees from $12 million to $14.95.
And the Ford Foundation announced that it has awarded a $1.5 million grant to perfect a contraceptive that would be implanted in a woman’s hand. Although years away from perfection, it is reported to be twice as effective as the diaphragm. A Ford spokesman said that eventually this technique will support the old adage that “One in the Hand is Worth Two in the Bush.”
Dan Aykroyd: Hello. I’m “Weekend Update”‘s Station Manager Dan Aykroyd. This week, the Shah of Iran declared martial law, in an attempt to put a stop to the violent writing which has paralyzed his country. The Shah is the subject of tonight’s “Point/Counterpoint”. Jane will take the Anti-Shah Point, and I will take the Pro-Shah Counterpoint. Jane?
Jane Curtin: Dan, I know exactly what you’re going to say: “Jane, you ignorant slut! The Shah is our friend, he sent us oil during the 70’s re-embargo. He’s a fighter against Communism.” Maybe so, Dan, but what happened to the human rights you scream about every time a Saranski gets sentenced to some Soviet jail? Why is it wrong to torture a dissident and freezing Siberian Goulag, but okay to wire a leftist student’s genitals in a baking Tehran dungeon? I only hope that someday someone wires your genitals, Dan. Then you’ll be singing a different tune!
Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you poor, misguided scrag! Sure, the Shah’s a jerk, but he’s all we’ve got! Just look at the map. To the north, the Soviet Union; to the east and west, Afghanistan and Iraq. Both leftist radical states; and in the south, the Persian Gulf. Any idiot can see that Iran would be a prized stepping stone in an eventual Soviet takeover of the world. And when that happens, Jane, those Cossacks will be coming over here with their broom handles, and we’ll see how you’ll feel then! Of course, you’d probably love it, you ignorant slut!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 6 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos:
November 18th, 1978 Carrie Fisher The Blues Brothers Don Novello Tom Davis Al Franken Alan Zweibel Brian Doyle-Murray The Blues Brothers perform “Soul Man”Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues. Transcript
Montage
Carrie Fisher’s MonologueSummary: Dressed as Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher attempts to tell a joke advised by Obi-Wan Kinobi (Dan Aykroyd). Transcript
Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer SpaceSummary: Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) wants to fit in with Frankie Avalon (Bill Murray) and Annette Funicello (Gilda Radner) at the beach. Recurring Characters: Annette Funicello, Vincent Price. Transcript
The Loud FamilySummary: Family members (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Carrie Fisher) are loud. Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci, Roseanne Roseannadanna. Transcript
The Blues Brothers perform “Got Everything I Need, Almost” & “B Movie Boxcar Blues”Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.
Mr. Bill Goes FishingSummary: Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill catch a whale. Transcript
TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) is uncomfortable while interviewing Linda Blair (Carrie Fisher). Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder, Linda Blair. Transcript
Marseilles, 1978Summary: Brandy the Barfly (Carrie Fisher) sells mutual funds to a Marine (Bill Murray). Transcript
Bad Red Chinese BalletRecurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Ronnie Bateman.
Schiller’s ReelSummary: In Tom Schiller’s “Roman Holiday”, a woman’s holiday moves forward as planned, despite the death of her husband.
Air Date:
Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.
Summary: Dressed as Princess Leia, Carrie Fisher attempts to tell a joke advised by Obi-Wan Kinobi (Dan Aykroyd).
Summary: Princess Leia (Carrie Fisher) wants to fit in with Frankie Avalon (Bill Murray) and Annette Funicello (Gilda Radner) at the beach.
Summary: Family members (Bill Murray, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner, Carrie Fisher) are loud.
Recurring Characters: Father Guido Sarducci, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Jake Blues.
Summary: Mr. Hands helps Mr. Bill catch a whale.
Summary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) is uncomfortable while interviewing Linda Blair (Carrie Fisher).
Summary: Brandy the Barfly (Carrie Fisher) sells mutual funds to a Marine (Bill Murray).
Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell, Ronnie Bateman.
Summary: In Tom Schiller’s “Roman Holiday”, a woman’s holiday moves forward as planned, despite the death of her husband.