Telepsychic Ray: Hi, welcome to Cable TV Channel D. This is “Telepsychic”. My name is Ray, and I’ll be taking your calls today.Here’s the numbers: 555-1231, 2, 3, 4 and 5. Our lines are open, ask me about anything today – about life, jobs, money, love.. anything at all, I’ll predict for you. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #1: Uh.. yeah.. yeah.. I lost my job, and I need some money. Uh.. am I gonna get some money soon, and get a job?
Telepsychic Ray: Okay, uh.. yes.. in a week.. somebody will give you some money.. and you’ll get a new job in.. oh.. about a month. Okay?
Caller #1: Okay, thank you, Ray!
Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #2: Uh, yeah.. my girlfriend won’t go out with me any more.. but, uh.. I don’t care, because we’ve been going out for a long time, anyway.. and I’d like to find somebody new, anyway.. but, uh.. do you think she might come back to me, anyway?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. no. Uh.. yes.. yes. I predict you’ll go out with someone new for awhile.
Caller #2: Oh, for how long you think?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh…. oh, about a month.. or so.. and then your old girlfriend will come back to you, and you’ll be together again.. for about a month, okay?
Caller #2: Uh.. okay. Thank you very much.
Telepsychic Ray: Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #3: Am I on?
Telepsychic Ray: Yeah, you’re on the air. Go ahead.
Caller #3: My seester wants to take some butter..
Telepsychic Ray: [ hangs up quickly ] Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #4: Hi I have a sick friend, and I want to know if she’ll get better, and when.
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay.. uh.. yes. She’s gonna get better.. and I feel that she should get better.. in.. oh.. about a couple of months.. okay?
Caller #4: Yeah? Well, I don’t got no sick friend, I just made that up! I said, I don’t got no sick friend! What do you think of that?
Telepsychic Ray: I think you’re sick.
Caller #4: What?!
Telepsychic Ray: ..I predict you’re the one who’s gonna get sick!
Caller #4: I’m gonna get sick?!
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. yes.. I feel you have a lump.. a clot in your back, and it’s moving, growing, and moving, moving up into your neck.
Caller #4: Well, will it go away? Am I gonna get better?
Telepsychic Ray: No. no. Definitely not.
Caller #4: No, come on!
Telepsychic Ray: No, no.. it’s gonna move into your neck and choke you, okay?
Caller #4: Okay.
Telepsychic Ray: Okay. Hello, Telepsychic.
Caller #5: Hello. Listen, my favorite show is “Saturday Night”, and I was wondering if you could tell me how they’re gonna start the show this week?
Telepsychic Ray: Uh.. okay. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”
… Jane Curtin … Bill Murray Valerie Harper … Gilda Radner Chico Escuela … Garrett Morris Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
[TEASER:]
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of bikini babes washing an automobile]Auto-eroticism for horny cars … This story and moreon Weekend Update next.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Brought to you byReincarnation — The Evaporated Milk from Dead Cows!… Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
In an interview last week, Ronald Reagan proudlypointed out that, over the years, the Reverend JimJones had supported a number of political figures fromthe Democratic party but never any from theRepublican. Well, Weekend Update has looked into thepast histories of some recent mass murderers and foundsome surprising information. Richard Speck, who killedeight nurses, was a Republican precinct chairman inChicago … and was once vice-president of Wisconsin’sRepublican Ripon Society. Juan Corona, the Californiamachete killer, was a speechwriter for Barry Goldwater… and David Berkowitz, the Son of Sam slayer, was,and still is, a Youth for Nixon. Bill? …
Bill Murray: San Francisco residents have beenshaken in recent weeks and, as a result of theincreasingly gloomy climate of the city, singer TonyBennett today had his heart picked up and moved to asafer place. …
Well, to make room for new mid-season TV programs,dozens of shows have gotten the axe this week and oneof them, I’m sorry to say, is “Rhoda.” Which brings usto this week’s Celebrity Corner because my guesttonight is the star of “Rhoda,” Valerie Harper. [Billturns to smiling, gum-chewing Valerie Harper (dressedas her character Rhoda Morgenstern) who appears on theChroma-Key screen behind him] Hi, Val!
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Welcome to CelebrityCorner.
Valerie Harper: Hi, Bill!
Bill Murray: Kitten, let’s get to the uglystuff, first. Your cancellation. How do you feel aboutit, Val?
Valerie Harper: [thick New York accent] Oh, I’mfine. Listen, I had my shot. I got my break on the old”Mary Tyler Moore Show,” they gave me my own showwhich ran for five and a half years, and now I’m off.That’s life.
Bill Murray: That’s all well and good, honey,but how do you really feel about it?
Valerie Harper: [in denial] I don’t wanna tawkabout it.
Bill Murray: Valerie!
Valerie Harper: I really don’t wanna tawk aboutit.
Bill Murray: Valerie-a!
Valerie Harper: I’m ticked off!
Bill Murray: You’re ticked off. Okay, nowthat’s the old adorable Rhoda that I love so much.Now, why do you think you were canceled?
Valerie Harper: You know why they canceled me,Bill? You really wanna know why? Anti-Semitism. …CBS hates Jews. That’s why I was canceled.
Bill Murray: [amused] Val, you are sowrong. CBS does not hate Jews. I happen to knowthat Bill Paley, the chairman of CBS, is Jewish. And,furthermore, you’re not Jewish.
Valerie Harper: [long pause] … I’m not?!…
Bill Murray: No. Rhoda Morgenstern is, butValerie Harper is not. …
Valerie Harper: I’m dyin’ … Are you sure I’mnot Jewish? …
Bill Murray: [sighs] I’m sure I’m sure.
Valerie Harper: I’m a shiksa? … A bland,humorless, “makes a lousy mother because she caresmore about whiskey and spam than she does her ownchildren” shiksa? …
Bill Murray: Well, yes, I’m afraid so.
Valerie Harper: Then why do I tawk like this?…
Bill Murray: It beats me, Valerie. Thanks forbeing with us on Celebrity Corner. [Valerie Harperdisappears as Bill turns back to the camera] ValerieHarper, a very confused star of “Rhoda.” [applause]Jane?
Jane Curtin: This just in: The U.S. Post Officehas issued a special Christmas season reminder formembers of Synanon. To avoid the Christmas rush, getyour snakes in the mail early. …
Well, it looks like we’re going to set the clocks backagain tonight for something the people in Washingtonare calling “Christmas Savings Time.” Tonight atmidnight, we all set back the clock seven hours,making it five o’clock, then those stores that stayopen till nine will re-open, making Christmas shoppinga snap. …
Now, we’d like to welcome a new member to our Updateteam, the former All-Star second baseman for the NewYork Mets, Chico Escuela. Welcome, Chico. [Chicoclears his throat, photo of smiling Chico Escuela inbaseball uniform and holding a bat] Chico will becovering the sports scene for Weekend Update.[applause for Chico, a Dominican ballplayer who sitsopposite Jane – he has a thick Dominican accent andspeaks very little English]
Chico Escuela: Thank you. Thank you, berry,berry much. … Base-ball … been berry, berry goodto me. … Thank you, Hane. … [Photo of major leagueballplayer Pete Rose] Pete-ee Rose … Base-ball beenberry, berry good to Pete Rose. … Three – point -two – million – dollar para Pete Rose. Charlie Hustle,you bet. … Thank you very, very much. [NationalFootball League schedule is shown] In – foot-ball …I don’t know – football. … In Dominican Republic,foot-ball is — how you say, Hane? Um – Oh! — soccer!Your football– [pause] I don’t know. … [Hockeygraphic] In National Hockey League … [shakes hishead] I don’t know hockey … [applause, photo ofsmiling Chico again] In base-ball– Base-ball beenberry, berry good to me! … Thank you very much.Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] Hane? Thankyou, Hane.
Jane Curtin: [genuinely enthusiastic] Greatjob, Chico. I’m glad that we haven’t hired justanother stupid ex-jock sportscaster. …
Menachem Begin, in Oslo to pick up his half of theNobel Peace Prize tomorrow, says that he’ll give theprize money — his share of the one hundred thirtythousand dollars — to the state of Israel. AnwarSadat says he’ll use the money to build a monument topeace near Cairo. Sadat says the monument will becalled “The $65,000 Pyramid.” … Bill?
Bill Murray: Retired Army General William C.Westmoreland stated this week that the advances madein medicine as a result of the Vietnam War have savedmore lives than those lost in that conflict.Accordingly, the Pentagon has recommended that theUnited States immediately begin World War III in thehope of wiping out all disease. … Jane?
Jane Curtin: Earlier this October, Congressextended the period for ratification of the EqualRights Amendment. Yet, since then not one additionalstate legislature has ratified this most basicaffirmation of human rights. It is time we women tookaction. As a spokesperson for Weekend Update, I amtherefore calling on the women of America to place amoratorium on the act of performing oral sex on anymale … until the ERA is the law. … Now, this mayseem a little harsh [scattered applause] but I feel itis the only alternative that we have. … I don’tknow–
Bill Murray: [unhappy and increasingly nervous]Wait – just a minute, here. … [applause] Jane, I amfor ERA as much as you or anybody else but I don’t seewhy I should suffer … as a result– becausesome state legislators in Illinois refuse to back it!I mean, their wives are probably anti-ERA anyway. Imean, wh- what difference is it gonna make?
Jane Curtin: We-e-ell, Bill, maybe this methodwill make men like you put a little pressure on thesestate legislators.
Bill Murray: [desperate] Well, Jane, somepeople react negatively to too much pressure. Thiscould hurt ERA. … We’d hate to hurt ERA now.
Jane Curtin: [amused] I doubt it, Bill. I thinkyou’re just reacting out of self-interest. …
Bill Murray: [taking a different approach]Well, okay, Jane. But remember that oral sex is asword that cuts both ways. No oral sex — you knowwhat I’m saying? [Jane suddenly looks worried] … I’mtalking about a moratorium on guys performing oral sexon girls.
Jane Curtin: [instant conversion] Uh, maybeyou’re right, Bill, uh– … Forget what I said….
Bill Murray: [smugly] Okay. That’s better,Jane. … [extended applause as Bill winks at Janeand, very pleased with himself, the audience, too – hethrows himself into the next news item with greatgusto, to the amusement of the crowd]
Hordes of rats overtook a bus in downtownAlbany yesterday … and demanded to be taken to thecity zoo, fed, washed, and presented with littlewoolen jackets like dogs wear. … Fortunately, manyof the passengers on the bus had just been to a cheesefair and were able to placate the rats with horsd’oeuvres and light conversation. …
Well, it’s been almost a year that Mayor Koch has hada chance to fulfill his promise to clean up New York.The center of the problem is, of course, Forty-SecondStreet. Some New Yorkers think that the area hasn’tgotten any worse but many feel that it has. We decidedto investigate the scene firsthand and, in order tomaintain an objective viewpoint, we sent our friend,the gossip columnist for L’Osservatore Romano, FatherGuido Sarducci, to take a look. Father Sarducci?
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: Thank you, Bill. Thankyou. Well, I must say that I think the Forty-SecondStreet area has definitely gotten worse. I was therefor the first time ’bout five years ago and I wentback again and it’s worse than it was before, that’s-afor sure. I went to this one place, new place downthere. It’s-a called “Nude Wrestling.” … I thought,you know, at first, maybe it was just like a front fora massage parlor. But no, it was what it-a saysit is, nude wrestling. And there was this girl inthere, you know, and she was real nice-a to me, youknow, real pretty girl, and she says, what it is is,it cost twenty dollars and you get to wrestle for onehalf hour, thirty minutes.
Well, personally, y’know, I never like to fight much.Got in-a one fight my whole life, you know, was in-athe seminary. This is true — Father Chingotti is hisname — I name him by name. … He pulled my T-shirtdown and everything, you know what I mean? Who needsit? … But this was-a different, you know, and, uh, Ihaven’t got any exercise all the time I’m livin’ inNew York, you know? So I says, you know–
She says, Well, all you gotta do, go behind thecurtain — they have like four little rooms — says,you take off your clothes and come out fightin’ whenyou hear the bell ring. … Well, I go in there. I’mwaitin’, you know, it’s-a five minutes. Ten minutes.Fifteen minutes, you know, I’m cold. … I – Ithought, you know, maybe she was like doin’ somecalisthenics, y’know, gettin’ loosened up, somethin’like that. … That wasn’t the case. You know whatthey do there at that nude wrestling place? They makeyou wait till another customer comes in … That guy,you know, he was as shocked as me, you know, when–… when we come out of-a there, you know what I mean?Should-a seen the look on his face, I’m tellin’ you…. Anyway– I won two out of three, though. … Hey,I mean, twenty dollars investment — you just can’twaste it, right? …
I must say, though, they do have some good souvenirsin the Forty-Second Street district. I bought thisthing here. [holds up what looks like a large,plastic, red apple] It’s like a lighter, “Big Apple”they call it. And when you pull it, [pulls the stemout of the apple to reveal a flaming cigarettelighter] lights up for cigarettes like, you know? Costtwelve dollars. And I priced them in other areas. Wastwelve twenty-five in another store. And inanother store, was-a twelve thirty-five. So,Forty-Second Street area is-a good for some things.Maybe it’s not good for other things. And my advice isthat you have to use your own judgment. … Itwas more than wonderful talkin’-a to you. Arrivederci,America! Gracias. [applause]
[Under the applause, Bill thanks Father Sarducci andwinks to Jane.]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.
Male Patron…..Brian Doyle-Murray Female Patron (background)…..Rosie Shuster Gayle…..Gilda Radner Debbie…..Laraine Newman Linda…..Jane Curtin Bartender…..Bill Murray Glenn Johnson…..John Belushi Yortuk Festrunk…..Dan Aykroyd Georg Festrunk…..Steve Martin Second Male Patron…..Tom Davis
[ open on interior, singles bar, as Male Patron exits with an unknown woman, as Gayle, Debbie, and Linda enter the bar ]
Gayle: Hey, Debbie — this looks like a great place. It’s quiet and not too crowded.
Debbie: Yeah, you know, they really fixed it up! I mean, it used to be a blarney stone, you know? One of those Irish roast beef and whiskey bars?
Linda: [ smiling ] I really like that bartender!
[ they approach the bar ]
Bartender: Hi, girls. Welcome to Mixers. What can I get ya’?
Gayle: Uh — whiskey sour.
Debbie: Gin fizz.
Linda: Rusty Nail.
Bartender: Sour, Fizz, and a Nail. [ he snaps his fingers and retreats ]
[ Glenn Johnson leans into the bar ]
Glenn Johnson: Excuse me, ladies, uh — can you help me with a little “problem” that I have?
Gayle: Yeah. What is it?
Glenn Johnson: Well, you see, I’m on a LARGE company expense tab this week, and if I spend less than fifty bucks tonight, they’re gonna start cutting me! So, uhhh — I’m gonna have to buy you girls a drink, huh?
Linda: Thanks, but, uh, no thanks.
Glenn Johnson: Hey, you’re not gonna get off THAT easy! I’ll be back! [ he retreats to the main floor ]
Debbie: God, I hope we do better than him tonight.
[ the bartender returns with their drinks ]
Bartender: Ah, relax. He’s probably from out of town, probably read about the place. Don’t worry — our hip crowd hasn’t come in yet.
Gayle: Thanks.
Bartender: Sure thing.
[ the girls take a table ]
[ suddenly, Georg and Yortuk Festrunk swing into the place ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Ted! Get off my back!
Georg Festrunk: Eat my dust!
Bartender: How ’bout it? Can I get you men on something?
George Festrunk: That’s YOUR problem! ONE… is PLEN-TY!
Bartender: How ’bout a couple of brewskis, fellas?
George Festrunk: Don’t MENTION it!
Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, Ted! I’m telling you something now: all night we have cruised the FOX bars, and, yet, NO chicks will agree to SWING with us!
George Festrunk: They were frightened, by our BUL-GES!
Bartender: You sure it’s the bulges, and not those hats?
Yortuk Festrunk: [ confused ] Hats? We brought them WITH us!
George Festrunk: AND! Our tooth-brush-es!
Bartender: Toothbrushes?
George Festrunk: We have many toiletry articles in travel kit, that we carry with us, all the time!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ showing off his case ] You see, this prepares us for a night at any given fox’s pad!
Bartender: Well, I see that you’re fully equipped. [ nodding toward the girls ] There’s three chicks right over there who seem to be available.
Together: FOX-ESSSSS!!!
[ they brush their teeth and swing forward ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Pardon me for a moment, but here’s something: I’m Yortuk Festrunk, and this is my brother Georg. We’re two swinging guys, who enjoy doing many things, and, can COME ON to you now!
George Festrunk: We are… TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!!
Yortuk Festrunk: Well! In order for you to see how swinging we are in America, we must have a swinging rap session here at the bar! So, tell us your names!
Debbie: Uh — I’m Debbie.
Gayle: I-I’m Gayle.
Linda: Linda.
George Festrunk: Clean up your act!
Yortuk Festrunk: Catch you la-ter! [ they laugh at themselves ] Well… Debbie, Gayle, Linda… now that we know your names, let us start a swinging rap session!
George Festrunk: Tell me, Debbie: when you have sex… are you LOUD?
Yortuk Festrunk: LIN-DA! Do you make many NOIS-ES?
Linda: [ aghast ] Excuse me! But, what RIGHT do you guys have to ask us PERSONAL questinos like that?!
[ Glenn Johnson muscles forward ]
Glenn Johnson: Hey, are these guys bothering you?
Linda: Oh, great — our hero.
Yortuk Festrunk: Hi, Swinger! Why don’t you buy a drink for yourself, and enjoy it?
Glenn Johnson: The name’s Glenn Johnson! I don’t like your tone!
George Festrunk: Tone?! COUNT ME IN, Glenn!
Glenn Johnson: Okay, buddy, it’s GO time! [ he whips off his sunglasses ] Let’s go! Come on!
Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, GO TIME!
George Festrunk: Oh, boy!
Yortuk Festrunk: It will be a PARTY tonight, Glenn!
[ Glenn shoves Georg, as the Bartender steps forward and grabs Glenn’s shoulder ]
Bartender: Okay, why don’t you just go outside, okay?
Glenn Johnson: Hey! They were bothering the —
[ Glenn is muscled outside ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Hey, goodbye, Glenn!
George Festrunk: You swinging American! [ they laugh, then return their interests to the girls ] So, Debbie… perhaps you have many electrical devices that you use for SEX!
Yortuk Festrunk: We have, now, a vibrating machine, that we brought from Czechoslavakia! [ he opens his bag and removes a drill with a feather duster attached to the end ]
George Festrunk: A Communist Party official traded it at market for many fuel coupons!
[ Yortuk cranks up the device from a detonator, as Georg rubs the feather duster against the girls’ faces ]
Debbie: Oh, please turn that thing off! We’ve seen enough! That’s very dangerous!
Yortuk Festrunk: [ not getting it ] So? Aren’t you getting HOT yet?
George Festrunk: You know, Debbie… I have PAID for many women WORSE than you!
Yortuk Festrunk: So! Which —
Debbie: [ annoyed ] That’s nice. Thanks a lot.
Yortuk Festrunk: We have talked long enough! Let us choose partners for SEX!
George Festrunk: Here is something! Look at our SLACKS! It is because of YOU, that our pouches are STRETCHING!
Yortuk Festrunk: Now that we have TALKED, and you have EX-CITE-ED us, you must take us to your PADS, to relieve us!
Gayle: Wait a minute, that’s it! You guys are really ignorant! [ to her friends ] Come on, let’s go.
Linda: Yeah.
Yortuk Festrunk: Wait! Wait! Can’t you see enough of our CHEST hairs?!
George Festrunk: The body odor soap that we use ALL the time, makes our chest hairs very CRIS-PY!
[ the girls stand up and leave ]
Yortuk Festrunk: Bye, FOX-ES!!
George Festrunk: Out. To lunch!
Yortuk Festrunk: I love American fox-es! We could NEVER have this great success with chicks back in Czechoslavakia!
George Festrunk: We must cruise again, to this fox bar! [ he turns to the bartender ] Hey, Ted! You are the LOW-EST! [ they laugh ]
Yortuk Festrunk: [ to a couple sitting down ] Hey, you swing-ers! It’s par-ty time! Why don’t you buy yourselves a drink, and EN-JOY it!
[ they start up their feather duster drill one again, as the scene zooms out, with SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Acrylic Security Blankets” ]
[ return from final bumper to find Steve seated at the final sketch’s table, with Gilda seated beside him and the other cast members standing behind them ]
Steve Martin: We’ll finish this sketch on the next show I’m on, in February! We had a technical problem tonight. Thanks for being here, we’ll see you later!
[ zoom out, roll credits ]
[ Dan Aykroyd brings a menu back to the table and begins to do the King Tut dance for Steve ]
[ as the audience cheers, Steve casually walks down to Home Base with a vise on his head and acts as though he is unaware of its presence ]
Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to be honest with you. Uh — I do not feel well tonight. [ laughter ] I woke up this morning with a splitting headache. [ laughter ] It was as though my… head were in a vise. [ he clamps his his fingers as the audience laughs ] I thought it would go away — it hasn’t. I took some aspirin — it did nothing. But I decided to continue with the show anyway. [ he looks offscreen ] Pardon me, what? [ a beat ] There’s a clamp on my head? [ confusion turns to relief, as Steve laughs cheerfully and removes the vise from his head ] Aw, those “Saturday Night” people! They didn’t even tell me! I went through make-up and everything, and nobody said a word!
[ he drops the vise to the floor, then turns serious ]
I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, Oh… I’ll bet he’s on drugs.” [ laughter ] Well, I’ll be honest with you: I used to smoke… marijuana! [ he covers his face in mock shame ] But I would only smoke it… in the late evening. Oh, occasionally, the early evening, or mid-evening. But that was it — the late evening, the early evening, or mid-evening, but that was it, I — ohhh, occasionally, the early morning… or, oh, the mid-morning… maybe the late morning… or, occasionally, the early-mid-late morning! Or, sometimes, the mid-early morning, or… oh, the late afternoon! Sometimes, the mid-early-late afternoon! Never at DUSK! NOOOOOO, I would never smoke it at dusk! Oh, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!! Because that’s when the little FAT men would come! And they would DO things to me! They’d go: [he bounces his fingers forward ] “Whoa-oa! Who-oa!” And I LIKED it! [ he laughs wildly ]
[ seriously ] But I quit that! I’ve quit ALL drugs. Well… let me say one thing: I twisted my ankle this morning, and I was in quite a bit of pain… so I went to the doctor, and I asked him to give me some pain pills. And he didn’t want to do it, but I talked him into it. So he gave me some pills — and I shouldn’t have done this, but I took some about an hour before the show tonight, and right now… I am high… as a KITE! [ audience cheers ] I mean, it is unbelievable! And I would NEVER say this to you people, but, in this case: if you EVER get a chance, to take these drugs… DO IT! They’re called… [ he glances from side-to-side cautiously ] Placebos! I mean, I’m thinking that right now I have NO idea where I am at all! It is WILD! Placebo!
You know, last time I was on this show, I did a little comedy routine with Bill Murray, and, uh, it worked out pretty well, a little Comedy Pickpocket kind of thing. This time, we decided to do another routine. He’s a great man, let’s bring him out. BILL MURRAY!!
[ Bill Murray rushes out ]
Without sounding corny, Bill is really an artist. He’s an actor, and it’s fun to work with someone with ths kind of knowledge of show business. Bill, take a bow. [ Bill bows gracefully, the audience applauds, and Steve rewards him by placing a cracker in his mouth ] Bill, it’s really a pleasure working with you.
Bill Murray: It’s great working with you, too, Steve.
Steve Martin: Shake. [ he extends his hand ]
[ Bill shakes Steve’s hand, and is promptly rewarded with another cracker ]
Steve Martin: Bill, uh — today is November 4th, and I’ll be going on a promotional tour for my new album until November 18th. How many days is that?
Bill Murray: 14.
Steve Martin: And how many weeks?
Bill Murray: Two weeks!
[ Steve rewards Bill with another tasty cracker ]
Steve Martin: Bill, I didn’t bring my banjo with me tonight, and I’m sure the people would love to hear some music. Uh — what’s one of your favorite songs?
Bill Murray: “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
Steve Martin: Oh, that’s a good tune, uh, maybe you could play it for us a little bit?
[ Steve motions to a stagehand, who brings in a horn set-up like seals play in zoos ]
Bill Murray: S-sure… I’d love to.
[ Bill honks out the tunes with his hand, one note at a time, in a very awkward manner ]
Steve Martin: That’s great, Bill. [ he feeds Bill another cracker ]
[ the audience applauds wildly ]
Steve Martin: Bill — Bill, do you think you’d be able to jump through a hoop?
Bill Murray: Sure.
Steve Martin: Okay! Come on out here! [ a stagehand brings in a hoop ] Let’s give it a try and see what happens. [ Steve sets the hoop on fire ]
[ Bill hesitates for a moment, then dives headfirst through the blazing hoop with great success, even to his own amazement; the audience goes wild ]
Steve Martin: That’s great! Bill Murray! [ he holds his gaze with the audience; there is no cracker for Bill ] Well, that’s our comedy routine, I think it went real well, and it’s just a real pleasure for me to come back and work with the people at “Saturday Night”. We’ve got a big show ahead of us. [ Bill indicates to the audience that he expects a cracker ] And, uh, I’m anxious to get on with it, because “Saturday Night”‘s a special show for me. I like working with the people, and I like — you know, ALL the people are such great performers, and when we’re together it’s like a rapport. [ Bill tries to peek inside Steve’s pocket, in search of a cracker ] And that’s what I think is fun, is when you have this — [ he gives Bill a dirty look for digging in his pocket ] And, uh — you know, we have a lot of funny things to do tonight, a lot of — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s upper pocket, as Steve gives him a dirty glance ] And a lot of single pieces, uh, we’ve got music — Van Morrison’s special guest, he’s fabulous, and, uh — [ Bill moves to Steve’s other side, still in search of crackers ] Actually, being on this show is a real thrill, and that’s — that’s what — [ Bill peeks inside Steve’s pocket, to Steve’s annoyance ] Bill! Bill, come on, you don’t get a cracker for this part. I don’t have enough.
Bill Murray: Steve, where’s the cracker? Come on!
Steve Martin: I’m sorry, Bill — we can’t give a cracker after each routine. I mean, that gets to be very expensive.
Bill Murray: We’ve been rehearsing this bit all week long, and every time I jumped through the hoop, you gave me a cracker.
Steve Martin: I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker in these kind of acts after each time. It looks like you’re only doing it for the cracker.
Bill Murray: Well, listen, Steve. I’ve never operated on anything but a handshake in this busines, you know? I jumped through the hoop on Monday, you gave me a cracker. Tuesday, I did it again; you gave me another cracker. Wednesday, we didn’t rehearse; I didn’t get a cracker. Thursday and Friday, we did it four times: cracker, cracker, cracker, cracker!
Steve Martin: Well, Bill, I’m sorry. We just can’t give a cracker out each time. I’m sorry, we just can’t do it. [ he turns to the audience ] Ladies and gentlemen —
Bill Murray: Well, maybe I’ll just tell… Jane and Garret and Dan there’s not gonna be a cracker after the show tonight.
Steve Martin: [ nervously ] Come on! You wouldn’t do that!
Bill Murray: I mean, maybe they won’t do the show.
Steve Martin: [ hyperventilating ] Y-y-y-y-you wouldn’t DARE do that!
Bill Murray: Steve. I’m gonna call your bluff. Either you give me a cracker… or I go back to the dressing rooms and spill my guts.
[ Steve hyperventilates more and grits his teeth in disgust ]
[ at last, Steve reaches into his pocket and thrusts a cracker in Bill’s mouth ]
[ Bill chews the cracker triumphantly ]
Bill Murray: Thanks for the cracker, Steve.
[ Bill exits the stage ]
Steve Martin: Ladies and gentlemen, if I’m gonna have to give a cracker out after each routine tonight, uh, to every member of the cast… this changes things a little bit for me, financially. Uh, I’m gonna have to think about this… and we may or may not be back after this commercial.
Grant Robinson…..Garrett Morris Lisa Loopner…..Gilda Radner Todd DiLamuca…..Bill Murray Charles Knerlman…..Steve Martin Enid Loopner…..Jane Curtin Nurse…..Garrett Morris
[ open on interior, Hospital – a knock at the door, as Grant Robinson enters ]
Grant Robinson: Hello? Hello? Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Coming!!
[ a toilet flushes offscreen, then Lisa enters from the bathroom ]
Lisa Loopner: Hi!
Grant Robinson: Hi. You remember me? I met you at the Science Fair?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s right! You had the booth, “Fun With Friction”!
Grant Robinson: Yeah.
Lisa Loopner: Well, it’s really nice of you to come and visit me at the hospital, considering I can’t even remember your name.
Grant Robinson: Oh! I’m… Grant Robinson, Jr., from High Temple High. My mother works here at the hospital. My books are out there. I come to do my homework here.
Lisa Loopner: Oh! Thanks, Grant!
[ Mrs. Loopner enters the room ]
Mrs. Loopner: Hi, Lisa!
Lisa Loopner: Hi, Mom! [ she climbs into bed ]
Mrs. Loopner: [ looking at Grant ] Oh, Lisa — why don’t you introduce me to your nice, young, Negro friend?
Grant Robinson: Uh, uh — I’m Grant Robinson, Jr., ?? High. Uh, my mother works in the hospital.
Mrs. Loopner: [ she laughs ] Doesn’t Lisa look well?
Grant Robinson: Uhh — what’s she got?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s just a stupid deviated septum! They’re gonna operate on me tomorrow! They just need to move this little bit of cartilege in my nose!
Grant Robinson: Oh, would it, uh, change the way you speak?
Lisa Loopner: I hope not!
Grant Robinson: Well, uh — you wouldn’t want to buy any chocolate to support our baseball team, the Blue Devils, would you?
Lisa Loopner: Uhhh — no thanks, Grant!
Grant Robinson: I didn’t think so! Uh, well — gotta go. See ya!
[ Grant exits the room ]
Lisa Loopner: Bye!
Mrs. Loopner: Lisa? Will you be all right alone for a minute? I just want to get a cup of that delicious hospital cafeteria coffee!
Lisa Loopner: Sure, Mom! I’ll see you later!
[ Mrs. Loopner exits the room ]
[ Lisa sits on the hospital bed blowing her nose, as Todd enters with his eyes covered ]
Todd DiLamuca: Guess who?
Lisa Loopner: Oh! Um.. John Travolta?
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, you’re getting warm..
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Paul Michael Glazer?
Todd DiLamuca: Oh you’re boiling hot now!
Lisa Loopner: Oh I know.. Mork!
Todd DiLamuca: The poor child is delirious, she no longer recognizes the velvet touch of the always fabulous, never less than sensational Todd DiLamuca!
Lisa Loopner: Oh. Hi, Todd.
Todd DiLamuca: How are you feeling, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Oh, I’m feeling fine.
Todd DiLamuca: Go on, ask me how I’m feeling.
Lisa Loopner: Okay, how are you feeling?
Todd DiLamuca: [ grabs Lisa’s chest ] With my hands!
Lisa Loopner: Cut it out, cut it out!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, my God, you’ve had your busts removed! If that’s your hope chest, keep hoping, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, that’s so funny I forgot to laugh!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, oh, here comes the noogie ambulance! [ starts to pound Lisa’s head ] Here’s those special get well noogies – don’t worry, my dear, these have all been sterilized! What a tragedy!
Lisa Loopner: [ hits Todd with pillow ] Cut it out, Pizzaface!
[ the door knocks, Charles Knerlman enters ]
Lisa Loopner: Come in.. whoa.. [ lies down and begins to look ill ]
Todd DiLamuca: Oh no, its Chaz “The Spaz” Knerlman!
Charles Knerlman: How’s it hanging, Pizzaface?
Todd DiLamuca: Wouldn’t you like to know.
Charles Knerlman: Why don’t you put an egg in your shoe, and beat it! Lisa, I would’ve been here sooner, but I was out buying these expensive gifts – these flowers, these expensive chocolates, and this record, “Marvin Hamlish Does it to Marvin Hamlish”.
Lisa Loopner: Oh, thank you, Charles. This is the happiest day of my life.. [ begins to feel sorry for herself] ..and even if it is cut tragically short by illness..
Charles Knerlman: And here’s a greeting card I thoughtfully made you with my own two hands.
Lisa Loopner: [ reads card out loud ] “Dear Lisa, to a great gal with a deviated septum, she won a friend and always kept ’em, finest regards from that friend, Charles Knerlman.”
Charles Knerlman: President of the Science Club!
[ Todd pretends to be sick ]
Lisa Loopner: Oh, it’s beautiful, Charles!
Todd DiLamuca: Oh, Lisa, I forgot to give you my gift. Here’s a buck, I forgot to wrap it!
Lisa Loopner: [ sarcastically ] Gee, thanks, Todd!
Charles Knerlman: So, how are you, Lisa?
Lisa Loopner: Well, the doctors don’t know for sure, but don’t worry, I believe in reincarnation!
Charles Knerlman: Oh, you’re so brave, Lisa. You remind me of me!
Lisa Loopner: Oh, Charles, how is our school? I so miss learning!
Charles Knerlman: Don’t worry, Lisa, ’cause I considerately brought you all you homework assignments for the next two weeks in advance.
Todd DiLamuca: Wait a minute.. I thought I was bringing you your homework! But I guess you wont be needing it, now you’re getting it somewhere else!
Lisa Loopner: It’s not what you think, Todd!
Charles Knerlman: Anyways, it’s none of your beeswax!
Todd DiLamuca: Why don’t you shut up, Spazalopolis! Shame on you, Lisa, taking homework from two guys and never letting either one know where it’s really at!
Lisa Loopner: [ dramatic ] Oh, Charles, would you help me sit up? I would like to see the sunset for one last time.
Charles Knerlman: Certainly!
Todd DiLamuca: I’ll do that! [ grabs the end of the bed ]
Charles Knerlman: I got it! [ plays with the remote ]
Lisa Loopner: Aggghhh! Watch it, Todd! [ she becomes trapped between the bending mattress ]
Todd DiLamuca: I have it, Knerlman!
Lisa Loopner: Stop it!
Charles Knerlman: I got it, I got it! [ stops and takes Todd’s pencil pocket protector ]
Todd DiLamuca: Hey, give me back that pencil pocket protector!
Charles Knerlman: [ stabs it with his pencil ] Here’s what I think of your stupid, dumb pocket protector, you stupid, dumb nerd! [ takes a pencil and tries to snap it, Todd snatches it and snaps it for him ]
Todd DiLamuca: Well, I see you don’t play by the rules, Knerlman. Well, neither do I! Say.. what’s that? [ points at his vest ]
Charles Knerlman: What’s what?
Todd DiLamuca: Ha! [ grabs his vest and pulls it over his head, then throws him onto the bed with Lisa and jumps on them ]
Hee ya! Hee ya!!
Lisa Loopner: Stop it, Todd!
[ Todd continues, as Mrs. Loopner enters ]
Mrs. Loopner: Hi, kids! ..oohhhh! [ Todd and Charles jump up ]
Todd & Charles: Hell-o, Mrs. Loop-ner..
Mrs. Loopner: Forty lashes with a wet noodle for you two young men. [ fixes the bed ]
Lisa Loopner: Thanks, Mom!
[ Nurse Robinson enters ]
Nurse: Well, visiting hours are over, you’re going to have to leave now, its time to go.
Charles Knerlman: Good luck with the operation tomorrow, Lisa.
Lisa Loopner: Thank you, Charles!
Todd DiLamuca: Yeah, I sincerely hope that the doctors hand doesn’t slip and you end up with a deviated face!
Lisa Loopner: Well, if I die, I’m donating my organs to science and my skin to you, Pizzaface! [ flicks his face ]
Charles Knerlman: Goodnight, ladies.. and boys! [ Todd chases him out ]
Mrs. Loopner: Now, Lisa, get some sleep and don’t be scared. When you wake up, I’ll be in the recovery room with bells on.
Lisa Loopner: I’m not scared, Mom. [ hugs her, then Mrs. Loopner exits ] Hey, are you Mrs. Robinson?
Nurse: Yes, Honey.
Lisa Loopner: I know your son Grant. He’s somewhere in the building.
Nurse: I know you do, dear. Now, get some sleep. You have a big day ahead of you!
Lisa Loopner: Goodnight, Mrs. Robinson.
Nurse: Goodnight, dear. [ exits and turns out the light ]
[ Lisa waits until she leaves, then gets up and switches on the light and gets her teddy bear. She hops into bed, breathing heavily, and goes to sleep ]
[ camera pulls back, with SUPER: “did you know… That Billy the Kid’s real name was William the Youth” ]
Jane Curtin: The Surgeon General announces a new Asian flu shot. This story and more, on “Weekend Update”.
[ fade to black ]
[ fade in on full Weekend Update set ]
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Update” news team. Brought to you by Colonel LingusFried Chicken, the southern-fried chicken that takes a licking. Here are Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Here now, the news.
Our top story tonight: Pope John Paul II is still alive.
Bill Murray: Well, 200-pound president Idi Amin, of Uganda, has challenged Tanzania’s 65-year old president, Julius Nieri, to a boxing match to settle their two countries’ border dispute. Well, Amin may have started something, because P.L.O. Chief, Yassar Arafat, has challenged Israeli president Menachin Begin to another sporting contest. Arafat suggested that he and Begin settle the dispute over the West Bank by seeing who can go the longest without washing.
Now here’s an Update feature that I really get a kick out of — a little thing I like to call “My Celebrity Corner, Welcome To It.” Well, there’s a new blockbuster movie out. It’s a monster, it’s huge — it’s “The Wiz”. And I don’t care if you’re black, you’re white, or you’re purple, you’re gonna love “The Wiz” and especially its star, the girl who puts the fix in “The Wiz” — Miss Diana Ross. [ Ross appears on the monitor ] Hey! Who wants that woman with the skinny legs? Whpo wants that woman with the skinny legs? I know I do! You look beautiful tonight, Di!
Diana Ross: Thank you, Bill! I’d love to take a tumble in the hay with you, too!
Bill Murray: Well, thank you, Diana. That’s very kind. You know, if you’d told me five years ago that the part of Dorothy would be played by a mature black woman — let alone, a former Supreme — I wouldn’t have believed it!
Diana Ross: Well, me neither, Bill… but when they offered me the money — [ she laughs ] Child, I believed! I believed!
Bill Murray: Okay, a little constructive criticism, if you can take it — and the really BIG stars can, which is great. In “The Wiz”, you kept whining “I want to go home! I want to go home!” I don’t get it — why do you want to go back to Harlem? I mean — no offense, but I find Harlem DEPRESSING! Everybody’ incredibly poor… I mean, the drugs are VERY expensive, I always get ripped off every time I go there!
Diana Ross: Well, we have a saying up there, Bill: “Caveat honky.” “Let the honky beware.”
Bill Murray: Tell me — what was it like dating David Frost? I mean, is he a snob, or what? Now, you were engaged to him at one time, I know, and —
Diana Ross: Ah, Bill? You got me confused with Diahann Carroll.
Bill Murray: Gee, that’s right. Sorry. Uh — you know, I hated her series, “Julia”, didn’t you? You know, Diana, I have seen “The Wizard of Oz” so many times. I still watch it every year, and every year it still tears me up. Now, I know it isn’t in your version, but… Diana, would you do a friend a favor and sing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”?
Diana Ross: Uh — I-I-I don’t know… I don’t think my producers would like that, Bill.
Bill Murray: Diana, I will get down on my knees for you. You know what I’m saying? Please. Just open those pipes and let out that bubbling brown sugar, would you, honey, just for us?
[ she laughs, then clears her throat and begins to sing “Over the Rainbow” ]
[ after a few lines, Bill joins in until he moves himself to tears ]
Bill Murray: Thank you, Diana. You’re a beautiful Dorothy —
Diana Ross: Thank you, too, Bill.
Bill Murray: And I owe you one! [ he laughs condescendingly ] A touching segment this week on “Celebrity Corner”. Back to you, Jane!
[ Bill sniffles, as Jane gives him a curious look ]
Jane Curtin: Experiments at the National Drug Control Center in Atlanta, this week, showed that white mice who were given angel dust were arrested and booked for possession twice as many times as mice who were given a harmless substitute.
At a joint convention in Chicago this week, the Planned Parenthood Association and the Zero Population Growith Committee met and completely disappeared.
Bill Murray: Well, one of the big hard news stories this week is Iran, and everyone seems to hate the Shah — and with good reason, it appears. Amnesty International said he is the world’s worst human rights offender. A thounsand people have been killed there this month, and one thing about that: You cannot replace people. Ouch. Now, I have something to say about his Shahness… and I will not be silenced. [ he puts on a “STOP THE SHAH!” mask ] The Shah is a U.S. puppet! Down with The Shah! He trades Iran’s oil for guns and fighter planes! To speak against the Shah is to risk your life! The Secret Police are EVERYWHERE! They imprison and torture you! It’s worse than “Midnight Express”! And, if you don’t believe it — you are a facist knucklehead! Now, the U.S. — you get OUT of there, and I mean it, you knuckleheads! Back to you, Jane!
Jane Curtin: According to a report released this week by the Department of Health Education and Welfare, 13% of all American adults are functionally illiterate. Functional illiteracy prevents these people from holding any job which requires any kind of reading or writing, and also hinders their normal activities, such as driving or ordering in restaurants. Now, this is the subject of tonight’s commentary. The biggest problem of illiteracy is one of identification. Illiterates are ashamed, and live in fear that someone will discover their secret. The sad fact is that these people are tragic victims of our educational system, which promotes slower students to a higher grade, rather than dealing with the problem at hand. If the role of the educational system was better understood, illiteracy would not carry the stigma which prevents people from admitting that they simply cannot read. Remedial programs have shown to be effective, even with those who have a scant formal education. Other civilizations — Switzerland and the Soviet Union, in particular — have made enormous stride agaisnt this social epidemic. While the United States, as developed as we are, falls disgracefully behind. The illiteracy problem CAN be solved, but first we must admit that it exists, and then attack it squarely and forthrightly. Thank you.
[ as Jane delivers her commentary, the following SCROLL appears on-screen:
COMMENTARY
Actually, not so much a “commentary” as a plea for the round-up and elimination of functional illiterates.
After all, let’s not kid ourselves… these people are a social nuisance. They can’t read traffic signs; they can’t make change; they open our mail by mistake, and God knows they never R.S.V.P.
Even the simplest things utterly baffle them: eye charts, shoe sizes, area codes and M&M’s — to say nothing of logical positivism or Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdu.
You know what we’re talking about. If you agree that something ought to be done to stamp out illiteracy, send your comments to:
KILL THE ILLITERATES c/o Weekend Update 30 Rockefeller Plaza New York, N.Y. 10020
P.S. If you’re watching this “commentary” with an illiterate friend, and he asks you what this is, don’t panic… just tell him it’s an M&M. ]
Jane Curtin: And now, here with his view on the upcoming election is “Weekend Update”‘s political analyst — John Belushi. John?
[ SUPER: “Coming Up Next… Corrective Oven Mitts” ]
John Belushi: Thank you, Jane. Thank you very much. You know, on Tuesday we all have an opportunity that doesn’t come around very often. I’m talking, of course, about our right to vote. A right that millions of Americans have fought and died for. Yet, many Americans do not exercise that right. In the last election, 35% of the electorate actually turned out. Now, some people don’t vote because they don’t know how to. It’s really very easy. Now, if you’re confused about where or when to vote… there are lots of people you can ask. For example, most towns have a League of Women Voters — you can call them. Or just call City Hall. Or just call up Information. And they’ll tell you who to call. That’s not so hard, is it? I mean, any idiot can call 4-1-1! So there’s no excuse for voting, right? I mean, you can vote when you’re 18, now!
[ John’s rage begins to build ]
I mean, I couldn’t vote when I was 18! I couldn’t even DRIVE when I was 18! I got my license when I was 16, but they took it AWAY when I was 18 because I had too many tickets! That’s when I was in Chicago. I just went back to Chicago, in 1976, and I saw my friend Steve Bushakas. I said, “Steve! Steve, who’d you vote for, Ford or Carter?” He said, “I didn’t vote. All politicians are the same.” I said, “Who do you think makes the laws, Steve?! POLITICIANS!!” He said, “It doesn’t make any difference!” I said, “It doesn’t make any difference? Possession of an ounce is a misdemeanor now! Do you know how far we’ve come? There’s still some people in prison in Texas, eating RATS because they caught with a SEED in 1965! Look — look, in EUROPE — in Europe — in Amsterdam, EVERYBODY votes there… and they smoke HASH IN THE STREETS!! So don’t tell ME it doesn’t make a DIFFERENCE!!”
[ Jane reaches out an arm to calm John down, but he shoves her off ]
Now, look — I’ve got THIS to say, and I’m gonna SAY it: Why am I up here wasting MY valuable time telling you this? To tell you the truth, I’d rather be out smoking hash in the street!! I could be out smoking hash in the street! But, nooooooooooo! I gotta be here and show you lame-os because an informed public is the only hope we have if we want to smoke hash in the street!!
Jane Curtin: John!
John Belushi: [ he fights her off ] DON’T!! They just like living in COMMUNIST countries!! I’ve been there!! I’ve been to MEXICO and CANADA!! And they JUMP at the right to vote!! Now, suppose nobody voted on Tuesday?! Then, where would we be?! The Russians would be all over us the next day! Yuo think they’dpass up on a chance like that?! NOT ON YOUR LIFE!! There’ll be some COMMIE GOON kickin’ on your door, choppin’ in down with an axe!! How’d you like to drive to work some day, and all the STREET SIGNS are written in MONGOLIAN, huh?!! Can you read Mongolian?! I CAN’T!! Not even LITERATES can read Monogolian!! Only MONGOLIANS can read Mongolian!! Have you ever smoked Mongolian hash?! HUH?! YOU DON’T EVEN GET HIGH!! WHEN YOUR HEART STOPS BEATING, AND YOU THINK YOU’RE GONNA DIE!! [ he pounds on the news desk ] I WANT HARD DRUGS!! I WANT — [ he pounds the news desk and flings himself to the floor, as the audience erupts into applause ]
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
…..Steve Martin …..Gilda Radner Waiter…..Dan Aykroyd
[ open on Steve and Gilda seated at intimate table in a restaurant ]
Steve Martin: Boy, Gilda… it’s great to finally get out of that studio.
Gilda Radner: I’ll say.
Steve Martin: It’s nice to be able to spend some time with someone alone, Gilda. You know, this is the sixth show I’ve done, and, uh, I feel we’ve become good friends, almost kindred spirits.
Gilda Radner: Yeah, I know just how you feel, Steve.
Steve Martin: Gilda… there’s something I have to talk to you about.
Gilda Radner: Yeah?
[ suddenly, the Waiter appears ]
Waiter: Your menus!
Gilda Radner: Oh… thank you.
Steve Martin: Thanks.
Waiter: You’re welcome. You know, I’m very honored to have you here. I’m a big fan of both of yours. You know, when I saw it was you and Miss Radner, I made sure the chef would stay an extra hour. We were about to close, but everything’s fine now.
Gilda Radner: Thank you very much. I can’t tell you how nice it is to eat in a restaurant alone.
Steve Martin: Thanks for keeping the place open for us.
Waiter: Okay. I’m sure you get bothered a lot, you know?
Steve Martin: Ah, sometimes. I’ll have the vegetable plate.
Waiter: Uh, may I recommend the lamb chops, they’re especially good.
Steve Martin: Well, I’m a vegetarian, so…
Waiter: [ trying to lighten the mood ] “Well, excu-u-u-u-u-use MEEEE!! [ he laughs alone ]
Gilda Radner: Uh, I’ll have the lamb chops.
Waiter: Uh, how would you like them?
Gilda Radner: Uh, well done.
Waiter: Oh… no… [ still trying to be funny ] “Rams are well hung. Lambs… are not well hung.”
Gilda Radner: I-I said “well done.”
Waiter: [ in a squeaky voice ] “Oh, never mind! [ he laughs as he retreats to the kitchen ]
Steve Martin: Uh, Gilda — my girlfriend and I are very close, and, uh, I’ve just been — well, I just found out that she has a very terminal illness, and I was wondering if you could help me with this very difficult period.
Gilda Radner: Oh, Steve… w-why that’s terrible… and, yet, it sounds very intriguing.
[ the waiter returns ]
Waiter: A complimentary bottle of wine, from me, the waiter, Richie Roberts… to a WILD AND CRAZY GUY!!! [ he laughs, then turns to Gilda ] And to a wild and cwazy… BABA WAWA!! Wight, Baba! [ he laughs as he walks away ]
Gilda Radner: Right… right… [ to Steve ] Uh, so how long does your girlfriend have to live?
Steve Martin: Uh, just a matter of months, maybe weeks. She’s the… she told me that you were the one girl she wouldn’t mind me seeing while she was dying.
Gilda Radner: Oh, she must be a wonderful, wonderful woman.[ the waiter stamps back to the table, singing “Happy Feet” as he carries the salads ]
Waiter: I hope you don’t find any toenails or boogers in the salad… Rosanne Rosannadanna! [ he chuckles ]
Steve Martin: Look, we appreciate what you’re doing, but we’re talking about something very intimate, and we’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t bother us, alright?
Gilda Radner: Yeah.
Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”
Steve Martin: LOOK! Would you just LEAVE US ALONE and stop bothering us, please!
Waiter: “Well, excu-u-u-u-use MEEE!!”
Steve Martin: [ outraged ] KNOCK IT OFF!! WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS, WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO SOME PRIVACY!!!
Waiter: Aw, come on! Why did you go into show business, anyway?! To be famous, right?
Steve Martin: NO!! We wanted to be ARTISTS!!
Waiter: Well, then… why did you go on the Bob Hope special?
Steve Martin: [ stung ] Well… it’s Bob Hope’s special! You do that! Yuo do “THe Tonight Show”, everything! You do “Saturday Night Live” —
[ Steve continues to yell at the waiter, as time runs out, the audience cheers, and the final bumper appears onscreen ]
Theodoric of York…..Steve Martin Witch…..Laraine Newman Broom Gilda…..Gilda Radner Townsman…..Brian Doyle-Murray Townswoman…..Anne Beatts Announcer…..Don Pardo Reeve…..Dan Aykroyd Guard #1…..Tom Davis Guard #2…..Al Franken Simpkin of Partridge…..Bill Murray John the Tanner…..John Belushi Witchs Mother…..Jane Curtin
FADE IN:
EXT. PUBLIC SQUARE 12 TH CENTURY – DAY
SUPER: YORK, ENGLAND 1153
Various townspeople are gathered around a WITCH. BROOM GILDA stands behind the witch, pointing more and more at her. THEODORIC OF YORK is seated at a judicial bench/table where the witch leans against.
Broom Gilda: I saw her consorting with the devil!!
Townsman: No calves have been born since she moved here!!
Townswoman: Shes a witch! Burn her!
Crowd: BURN HER! BURN HER! BURN HER!
[ Theodoric rises up. ]
Theodoric of York: Wait a minute! Wait!! What are we!? Barbarians!? This is the 12th century! Just as long as Im the justicard of this shire, everyone will be giving a fair trial according to the laws of England!
[ Theodoric cocks his head up. ]
BLACK SCREEN
SUPER: THEODORIC OF YORK – MEDIEVAL JUDGE
Announcer (V/O): Theodoric of York Medieval Judge.
[ REEVE, a knight/town crier, opens a scroll. ]
Reeve: Hereby! Let it be known to all, Theodoric of York, the justicard of the realm, will preside this day, to here all writs to dispute all claims and thereof of the shire!
Theodoric of York: Now! Who saw this woman consort with the devil!?
Broom Gilda: It was I! Broom Gilda.
[ Broom Gilda approaches Theodoric. ]
Broom Gilda: I was driving home the Abbotts oxen last night and I saw her! By the river! Talking freely with Satan!!
[ The witch sobs. Theodoric raises his arms. ]
Theodoric of York: How do you know it was Satan!? What form did he take?
Broom Gilda: A leather-winged griffin!
Theodoric of York: Hh-mm Thats the devil all right! How do you answer these charges!?
Witch: I was gathering wood when a wandering troubadour stopped me and asked me where he might find food. I told him I didnt know where, but offered him some goose liver I had in my pocket.
[ Broom Gilda grabs the witchs braided ponytail. ]
Broom Gilda: You liar! You bitch!!
[ The crowd gets riled. ]
Theodoric of York: Hold! Hold! The law is clear in such matters. Let us consult the writ of common wisdom Reeve!
[ Reeve fetches a large, black leather-bounded reference manual and holds it in the air. ]
Reeve: The writ of common wisdom!
[ Reeve places it before Theodoric. Theodoric paces through it. ]
Theodoric of York: Okay. Lets see Befoulment of wells Boar pouching Consorting with dames Consorting with yourself Aha! Consorting with the devil. All right, this is very clear in here. Its in Latin, so Ill put it to you in laymans English – – were going to have to throw you in the trough of justice!
[ Two GUARDS tie the witchs hands in rope. ]
Theodoric of York: And if youre guilty, youll float on water. And if youre innocent, youll sink. So you have nothing to fear!
[ The guards hoist the witch up and carry her to a hot water-filled trough. Theodoric follows them. ]
Theodoric of York: If the accused floats, that means the water has rejected her body. Of course, if the accused here sinks, that means the water has accepted her body therefore shes innocent.
[ The witchs body has sunk to the bottom. Minimal air bubbles float up to the surface. No sign of life. Theodoric raises his arms. ]
Theodoric of York: Ah! Not guilty!
[ The crowd bickers and cheers equally. Theodoric returns to the bench. Reeve opens another scroll. SIMPKIN OF PARTRIDGE, a man in tattered clothes and unkempt hair, approaches the bench holding a piglet hes also stroking. ]
Reeve: The case of Simpkin of Partridge versus the Thane of Brisbane! A sheriff arrested this man serving time when stealing swine while impersonating a free man.
Simpkin: Your justice the charges are false. I was returning Charlotte here to the Thane and I really was made a free man yesterday as a travelling nobleman said Youre free, go ahead. If you let me go back to my home, I can come back with the documents for you.
Theodoric of York: You swear before this court that what you say is true?
[ Simpkin nods his head. ]
Simpkin: Youre damn right.
Theodoric of York: Well, theres only one way to tell remove his boots!
Reeve: Take the piglet! Take the pig!
[ Broom Gilda takes the piglet away from Simpkin. The guards lift Simpkin onto the bench and remove his boots. ]
Theodoric of York: You will take 10 paces on the burning coals of truth. If youre telling the truth, your wounds will not fester!
[ A guard escorts Simpkin to a bed of burning coals. ]
Simpkin: 10 paces, huh? Like Sugar Ray in the ring?
[ Simpkin steps on the coals and begins pacing. He shows no pain. ]
Simpkin: One, two, thr aaahhh!
[ The guard removes Simpkin from the coals. ]
Simpkin: Okay. I was lying. I stole the pig. But I was so hungry and the taxes were so great.
Theodoric of York: Put him on the rack.
[ The guards tie Simpkins arms to a body-stretching rack. ]
Simpkin: My feet. My feet hurt.
[ The guards spin the racks wheel. Simpkin wails. ]
Simpkin: This is worse than the coals.
Reeve: Send in the accused! The case of John the Tanner versus Lord Coltchester!
[ JOHN THE TANNER saunters in. ]
Theodoric of York: John the Tanner you have stood twice before this court. First, you were found guilty of theft and your right arm was cut off.
[ John raises whats left of his right arm. ]
Theodoric of York: Then you were found guilty of lying and your tongue was cut out.
[ John makes odd oral motions with his mouth. ]
Theodoric of York: Now, you stand charged again. How do you plead?
[ Johns eyebrows raise. He jerks his head side-to-side, opens his palms, and shakes his head. ]
Theodoric of York: I see. And whats this man accused of?
Reeve: Adultery.
[ Reeve passes an opened scroll to Theodoric. Theodoric glances over it. ]
Theodoric of York: Lets see adultery. You were found guilty of theft and your right arm was cut off. Uh you were found guilty of lying and your tongue was cut out Now adultery
[ Theodoric eyes the sky and strokes his chin. ]
Theodoric of York: The writ of common wisdom!
Reeve: The writ of common wisdom!
[ Reeve places the prior seen reference manual before Theodoric. ]
Theodoric of York: The punishment for adultery is Oh, geez I cant read this publicly.
[ Theodoric hand-signals John for a whisper. Theodoric whispers and after, he and John grimace. The guards take John away. The WITCHS MOTHER scurries to Theodoric. ]
Mother: They told me my daughter was here. They told me she was accused of consorting with the devil.
Theodoric of York: Congratulations! She was found innocent.
Mother: Oh Thank God! Where is she?
Theodoric of York: At the bottom of the trough of justice!
[ The mother trots over to the trough. ]
Theodoric of York: You see if the body is accepted by the water that means shes not guilty.
[ The mother pulls out a soaked dress from the trough. ]
Mother: Shes dead!!
Theodoric of York: Well, she must have drowned from being under the water.
Mother: You call this justice!? An innocent girl dead?
Theodoric of York: Hey! Gods will!
Mother: Why dont you just admit it!? You dont know what youre doing! And who are you to interpret Gods will!?
Simpkin: Yeah! By what right?
Theodoric of York: Well the King. Its the law.
Mother: Well, the laws wrong. It should be changed.
Simpkin: You know, shes right. Theres a point in what shes saying.
[ Theodoric guides around the trough and to the center. ]
Theodoric of York: Wait a minute perhaps shes right. Maybe the King doesnt have a monopoly on the truth. Maybe he should be judged by his peers. Oh! A jury! A jury of his peers. Of six good men! No wait! Eight good men! No!! Ten good men!! No, thats not enough 18 good men!! No, thats TOO MANY. Lets see 11 good men! Wait! 13 good men! No 11, 13, 11, 13 it doesnt matter. Okay. But everyone should be tried by a jury of their peers and be equal before the law. And perhaps, every person should be free from cruel and unusual punishment.
[ Theodoric takes a brief pause. ]
Theodoric of York: Nah!!
Reeve: The Shire before the Court is now adjourned!!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 4: Episode 5 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
November 11th, 1978 Buck Henry The Grateful Dead None None Brian Doyle-Murray Alan Zweibel Paul Shaffer Anne Beatts Andy Murphy Jim Downey Tom Schiller Hunkler HeadquartersSummary: While giving his concession speech, candidate Dennis V. Hunkler (Bill Murray) makes it clear that he’s well-aware of his campaign mistakes. Transcript
Montage
Buck Henry’s MonologueSummary: Boring Buck Henry is replaced by “Star Wars” previews as he rambles on and on. Also Hosted: 75j, 75j, 75u, 76f, 76v, 77f, 77t, 78t, 79d, 79t. Transcript
Rovco Chinch RanchSummary: Rovco spokesman (Dan Aykroyd) shows how to grow and handle your own fur. Transcript
Samurai OptometristSummary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) seeks a new pair of tortoise-shell reading glasses from Futaba (John Belushi). Recurring Characters: Futaba, Mr. Dantley. Transcript
Uncle RoySummary: While parents Arthur (Dan Aykroyd) and Betty (Jane Curtin) go out to see “Foul Play”, starring Chevy Chase, babysitter Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) keeps a lascivious eye on Terri (Laraine Newman) and Tracy (Gilda Radner). Recurring Characters: Uncle Roy, Arthur, Betty, Terri, Tracy. Transcript
The Grateful Dead performs “Casey Jones”Also Performed: 79o.
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray interviews a choking Elizabeth Taylor (John Belushi). Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd perform a Point-Counterpoint debate on the Shah Pahlavi. Recurring Characters: Elizabeth Taylor. Transcript
Great PerformancesRecurring Characters: Jean Marsh.
Nick on the Strip NorthSummary: Nick “Sands” (Bill Murray) does his lounge act in a bar near Las Vegas. Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer, Jimmy Joe Red Sky. Transcript
More Flu To Worry AboutSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) welcomes guest Dr. Ike Badenza (Buck Henry), who profiles the Australian Flu. Recurring Characters: Joan Face. Transcript
The Grateful Dead performs “I Need a Miracle” & “Good Lovin'”
St. Mickey’s Knights of ColumbusSummary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) is a special guest at St. Mickey’s Knights of Columbus meeting. Recurring Characters: Frank Leary, Jack Neehauser, Francis Jacko Leary, Jr., Chico Escuela.
Air Date:
Summary: While giving his concession speech, candidate Dennis V. Hunkler (Bill Murray) makes it clear that he’s well-aware of his campaign mistakes.
Summary: Boring Buck Henry is replaced by “Star Wars” previews as he rambles on and on.
Summary: Rovco spokesman (Dan Aykroyd) shows how to grow and handle your own fur.
Summary: Mr. Dantley (Henry) seeks a new pair of tortoise-shell reading glasses from Futaba (John Belushi).
Summary: While parents Arthur (Dan Aykroyd) and Betty (Jane Curtin) go out to see “Foul Play”, starring Chevy Chase, babysitter Uncle Roy (Buck Henry) keeps a lascivious eye on Terri (Laraine Newman) and Tracy (Gilda Radner).
Also Performed: 
Summary: Bill Murray interviews a choking Elizabeth Taylor (John Belushi). Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd perform a Point-Counterpoint debate on the Shah Pahlavi.
Recurring Characters: Jean Marsh.
Summary: Nick “Sands” (Bill Murray) does his lounge act in a bar near Las Vegas.
Summary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) welcomes guest Dr. Ike Badenza (Buck Henry), who profiles the Australian Flu.
Summary: Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) is a special guest at St. Mickey’s Knights of Columbus meeting.