For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
Goodnights
…..Walter Matthau
Walter Matthau: Hey, Maureen! Good night!
Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Eric Idle, with musical guest Kate Bush. This is Don Pardo, and I’ve waited ninety minutes just to say: “Good night.”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
Mr. Bill Is Late
Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!
(The curtain rises but nobody’s on the set. we then cut to Mr. Bill’s dressing room where Mr. Hands is molding Mr. Bill.)
Mr. Hands: Whoops! Hey kids. Gee you’re a little early today. Well Mr. Bill’s not here yet. But he’s on his way. (Cut back to the set with Sluggo and Spot) So while we’re waiting. His dog Spot will do some tricks for us. You ready Spot?
Spot: Ruff Ruff!
Mr. Hands: Now first, Animal Trainer Sluggo says you’re going to roll over so roll over. Roll over Spot! (Rolls over Spot right over the glitter on the stage and back.) Now come on back. That’s a good dog Spot! Now Sluggo says you’re going to jump through the ring of fire. So jump high and be careful (Carries Spot but drops him right in the middle of the ring.) Ow! Now fetch the newspaper (A newspaper drops right over Spot.) Oh look here comes Mr. Bill!
Mr. Bill: Oh Kiddies. I’m so sorry I was late today and. Hey was that spot I heard?
Mr. Hands: Sure he brought your morning newspaper (Reveals Spot who is burnt to a crisp.)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! (Angry) Oh you know Mr. Hands. I’m beginning to think you’re not such a good friend. You always let that bully Sluggo pick on me and I think I’m going to punch him in the face huh?
Mr. Hands: Well we’ll have to talk about that later Mr. Bill because we’re all out of time.
(As he says this last line, Mr. Hands nails Mr. Bill in the head knocking his head off.)
Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
(Curtain falls)
(dissolveto audience pan, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Incorrect Time Fro The Habitually Late” )
Submitted by: Nick
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
Olympia Cafe
Pete Dionasopolis … John Belushi
George … Dan Aykroyd
Nico … Bill Murray
Sandy … Laraine Newman
1st Female Customer … Jane Curtin
Male Customer … Garrett Morris
John Pittman … Walter Matthau
Lambrose “Larry” Petropopolis … Brian Doyle-Murray
2nd Female Customer … Gilda Radner
Linda … Rosie Shuster
Larry’s Assistant … Alan Zweibel
Mike … Don Novello
[Burger patties sizzling on a grill in the OlympiaCafe. The owner, Pete Dionasopolis is taking an orderon the phone.]
Pete: [yells to George the cook] Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Pete: [into phone] No fries. Chip. [yells to Nico thecounterman] Chip! Chip!
Nico: Chip! Chip!
Pete: [into phone] What to drink? No. No Coke. Pepsi.[yells to Nico] Pepsi! Pepsi!
Nico: Pepsi! Pepsi!
Pete: [into phone] All right, ten minutes.
[Pete hangs up. (Pete’s brother Mike, who never saysanything, can be seen working in the back.) Sandy, thewaitress, approaches Pete.]
Sandy: Hey, Pete, that toilet is stuffed up again.
Pete: Aaaahhh!
[Grabbing a plunger and cursing under his breath inGreek, Pete heads off for the bathroom, followed bySandy. At the counter, a female customer talks to Nicowho barely understands English. She shows him hercheeseburger.]
1st Female Customer: Excuse me, I wanted this medium,uh, and it’s almost raw. Could I have it cooked some more?
Nico: More?
1st Female Customer: Yes, please.
Nico: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: Cheeseburger!
1st Female Customer: No! No! No, no! I don’t wantanother cheeseburger! I just want this one cooked somemore.
Nico: More?
1st Female Customer: No, no. [points to George] Gethim, get him, get him. [Nico gets George who bringsthe customer another cheeseburger] He ordered meanother cheeseburger and I didn’t–!
George: [gives her the second cheeseburger] Here, here.
1st Female Customer: No, no, no! I just want this onecooked some more! It’s almost raw! [But George hasalready retreated to his grill.]
Male Customer: Uh, I hate to break up such an excitingdiscussion but I just saw a roach about the size of acat walk behind this napkin holder right here.
George: Roach?
Male Customer: Yeah.
George: Roach?
Male Customer: That’s right. Right– oh! [The roachhas apparently emerged onto the countertop] Look out!
1st Female Customer: Oh!
[Nico and George grab two cans of bug spray and startspraying the countertop around the napkin holder. Thetwo customers make faces, cough, and hold their handsup to block the bug spray. George spots the roach andflattens it with a quick blow of his spatula. Hescrapes the roach off the spatula and goes back towork at the grill, much to the horror of the customers.]
Male Customer: Uh huh, I think I’m gonna … I’m gonnapay my check and leave. I don’t want to wait for theautopsy report. [pays his check to Nico and hastily exits]
1st Female Customer: [to Nico] I’m gonna pass onhaving this cooked some more. I think, uh, for somereason, I’ve lost my appetite. [George moves to thecash register and rings up the customer’s check]
Sandy: [returns and grabs a second plunger] George,Pete needs the other plunger. [George nods and Sandyexits again.]
1st Female Customer: [to George] Uh, I think you made a mistake.
George: Two cheeseburger, one chip, one Pepsi. Three-eighty-two.
1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order two cheeseburgers! Only one!
George: Look. Two. One, two. [holds up her second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: Well, I didn’t order the othercheeseburger. I just asked him if I could have minecooked some more and he thought I wanted another one.You owe me a dollar fifty.
George: Wait for Pete.
1st Female Customer: No–! [But George is already onhis way back to the grill.]
Sandy: [yells to George and Nico] Cheeseburger!Cheeseburger! Two chip! Two Pepsi!
George: Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!
Nico: Two chip! Two Pepsi!
[Two men enter the restaurant together. The first isJohn Pittman, who smokes a huge cigar and wearsthick-framed eyeglasses and a business suit. Thesecond is Larry, a small, mustachioed man in aCoca-Cola uniform. They approach Nico.]
John Pittman: Excuse me, sir, are you the proprietorof this restaurant? I’m John Pittman from theCoca-Cola Company. [Pittman shakes Nico’s hand. Nicodoesn’t understand but nods anyway.] Coca-ColaCompany.
Nico: Oh, uh, no Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: Yes, I know, yes. That’s why I’m here. Iwant to talk to you. This is Larry Petropopolis. He’sour new area distributor.
[Larry and Nico shake hands and exchange greetings in Greek.]
John Pittman: We call him Larry but his real name isLambrose. Sometimes, we kid around, we call him “lambroast.” Ha! Ha! Right, Larry? You know I might as wellget right to the point. We’re pretty concerned aroundhere that a lot of Greek restaurants in this areaaren’t our customers. Now, well, to be perfectlyfrank, we want to rectify the situation. I know thatour competitor has a good distributor, what’s hisname, Zanatos? [Nico recognizes the name and nods. Hecontinues to nod even though he has no clue what isbeing said to him.] Well, we plan to give you a betterdeal than Zanatos can give. Let’s not beat around thebush. Talk drachmas, right? You buy a five gallon jugof syrup from Zanatos for sixteen dollars and we’regonna give it to you for fifteen fifty. We’ll put up anew sign for you, too. Huh? We just want to doanything we can to win you over to Coke.
Nico: No Coke. Pepsi.
John Pittman: I’ll tell ya what I’ll do. I’ll go downto fifteen and a quarter. Now, you don’t think I cangive you a better deal than that, do ya? [Nico keepsnodding, cluelessly.] Huh? You do? Okay. I’ll make itfifteen even. And I’ll see if I can’t dig up a fewdozen glasses for ya, right?
Larry: Uh, I think I got some out in the truck.
John Pittman: [to Larry] You got some in the truck?[to Nico] He’s got some in the truck. We’ll bring themin now. What do you say? We have a deal? Huh? [Niconods] Okay, terrific! [turns to Larry] Larry, Larry,will ya set up the dispensers and everything rightnow? [Larry exits, Pittman turns to Nico, shakes hishand] Listen, I gotta get going, kid. You’re a veryshrewd businessman. I like your style. You know that,too, don’t ya? Ha! [pats Nico on the cheek] You’re all right!
[Pittman exits. Nico grins and nods, having no ideawhat that was all about. Pete returns with the plungerslung over his shoulder.]
Pete: Ahhhh.
1st Female Customer: [still waiting by the register,to Pete] I was charged for two cheeseburgers. I onlyordered one. You owe me a dollar fifty. I’ve beenwaiting here for ten minutes. I would appreciate it ifyou would give me my money.
Pete: George? [George joins Pete at the register, Petewants an explanation] Come on, come on.
George: Two cheeseburgers. One, two. [holds up the second cheeseburger]
1st Female Customer: But I didn’t order it! [points toNico] He ordered it! Have him pay for it!
Pete: [to 1st female customer] Wait, wait. [turns to2nd female customer, a regular patron, who stands nearthe register with a friend] Okay, honey.
2nd Female Customer: Oh, oh, um, Pete, uh, can I alsohave a cheeseburger and a Pepsi to go?
Pete: [yells to George] Cheeseburger!
George: One cheeseburger! [George bags up theuntouched second cheeseburger and hands it to Pete whohands it to the 2nd female customer]
Nico: Pepsi!
2nd Female Customer: Oh, um, Pete, I want you to meet Linda, um…
Linda: Hi.
2nd Female Customer: She’s gonna be taking over for meat work, uh, ah, I’m not gonna be there. You wanna know why?
Pete: Why?
2nd Female Customer: I’m gettin’ married.
Pete: You’re–? Married?
2nd Female Customer: Yeah. [laughs]
Pete: Awwwww! [kisses her on cheek]
2nd Female Customer: Yeah, next week, I’m goin’ on the honeymoon.
Pete: Ohhhh! [claps his hands happily] Wait! Wait!Ahhhhhh! [presents her with a wedding present — a bag of chips]
2nd Female Customer: [underwhelmed by the gift] Oh,thanks a lot. You don’t mind if I don’t eat ’em here?I’ll open ’em when I open the other gifts.
Pete: [graciously] Ahhhh, all right, all right.
2nd Female Customer: Thanks, Pete. [She and her friend exit.]
Pete: Married, married. That’s nice, that’s nice. [tothe 1st female customer] What do you want? What?
[Larry’s assistant enters with a Coca-Cola dispenser,followed by Larry who carries a box of glasses.]
Larry: [to Pete] Where do you want the glasses?
Pete: [completely confused] What? What? What?
Larry: Glasses. Free Coke glasses. Look. [shows Petean invoice] Four dozen free glasses, one ten footsign, and an agreement for us to sell you five gallonjugs for fifteen dollars apiece.
Pete: Fifteen?
Larry: Right.
Pete: Five gallons?
Larry: Yeah, it’ll only take us a minute to set it up.
Pete: [Knowing a good deal when he hears it, anotherwise mystified Pete waves Larry on] Sure, sure,sure. [Larry and his helper set things up and then exit.]
1st Female Customer: [to Pete] Okay, how about mydollar fifty that you owe me or do I have to call the police?
Pete: [upset] I’ll give you your money in food! All right?!
1st Female Customer: You mean you won’t give me adollar fifty in cash?
Pete: [gestures toward the grill] Cheeseburger. Come on.
1st Female Customer: I don’t want a cheeseburger![resigned] What else do you have?
Pete: Chip!
1st Female Customer: Okay, give me four bags of chips.How much do I have left?
Pete: [does the math] Uhhhh … twenty-eight.
1st Female Customer: Okay, I’ll have a Pepsi.
Pete: Ah, no Pepsi. Coke.
1st Female Customer: [rolls her eyes] Okay! I’ll have a Coke!
Pete: [yells to Nico] Coke!
[But Nico, uncomprehending, just stands still, wiping down a counter. Pete starts violently whacking Nico with a menu.]
Pete: Coke! Coke! Coke! Coke!
[Dissolve to a wider shot of the set behind camerasand microphones.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
Programming Ideas
Fred Silverman…..John Belushi
Barbara…..Gilda Radner
[ open on Fred Silverman standing exasperated before a chart featuring NBC’s and ABC’s programming schedule ]
Barbara: [ entering with a bowl of food ] Come on now, Mr. Silverman — you haven’t eaten anything for days. Now, eatyour apple sauce. [ she holds up the spoon ] Come on, Freddy! [ he resists ] Freddyyyy. Open your — come on, Freddy! [ he takes a bite ] There you go, that’s good! There you go.
Fred Silverman: NINE shows, Barbara! I can’t believe that I had to cancel NINE shows! And they were TERRIBLE shows! I don’t understand how they failed. They were TERRIBLE! Shows JUST as bad as these, which were BIG hits as ABC! [ he points to his board ] “Grandpa Goes to Washington”.”Muttonchop”. I don’t understnad it! People didn’t like it.
Barbara: Well, “Lifeline” was a good show.
Fred Silverman: Sure, I expected that to fail, though. What about… “David Cassidy: Man Undercover”? Now, THAT was a stupid show! It was badly written… I don’t know why it didn’t make it. Now, maybe we had someone even worse than David Cassidy… I got it! [ he snaps his fingers ] What do you think of this? “Donny Osmond: Man Undercover”.
Barbara: Oh, I don’t like it at all!
Fred Silverman: You don’t?
Barbara: No! In fact, I HATE it!
Fred Silverman: So do I! Make out a card.
Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it up on the board ]
Fred Silverman: Now, I’m just wondering what to do on Tuesdy night here, where “Eddie Capra Mysteries” were. Let’s see, at 8 o’clock I got, uh… “B.J. and the Bear”.
Barbara: Right.
Fred Silverman: At ten, I’ve got “Mrs. Columbo”… “Runaway Truck Driver”… a cop show. What can we put in between…?
Barbara: Uh… how about a show called “Road Block”?
Fred Silverman: [ thinking ] That’s TERRIBLE! Make out a card.
Barbara: Right. [ she writes it down and puts it on the board ] You know… I don’t mean to say anything, Mr. Silverman, but, looking ovr the board here, I mean… maybe we’re underestimating the intelligence of the American public.
Fred Silverman: You’re… fired!
Barbara: Fired?
Fred Silverman: Yes. You’ll never work at this network again.
Barbara: Alright, Mr. Silverman… Mr. Programming Genius. [ she grabs him by the tie ] There’s just ONE thing I’d like to say to you before I leave! [ she turns to face the camera ] “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
]]>
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
December 9th, 1978
Eric Idle
Kate Bush
Don Novello
Dave Wilson
Tom Schiller
Brian Doyle-Murray
Paul Shaffer
Howard Shore Telepsychic Ray
Summary: Telepsychic Ray (Dan Aykroyd) predicts the futures of his callers.
Recurring Characters: Telepsychic Ray.
Transcript
Montage
Eric Idle’s Monologue
Summary: Eric Idle searches for the writers when he finds no monologue waiting for him when he arrives at Home Base.
Transcript
The French Chef
Summary: A frantic Julia Child (Dan Aykroyd) quickly bleeds to death after cutting her finger.
Note: Originally written for Walter Matthau one week earlier.
Transcript
Madrigal
The Woman He Loved
Summary: Prince Charles (Eric Idle) lives in a trailer in Webster County, Mississippi and carries on an illicit affair with a thirteen-year old white trash girl (Laraine Newman).
Recurring Characters: Prince Charles.
Transcript
Kate Bush performs “The Man With The Child In His Eyes”
What Do You?
Transcript
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
Recurring Characters: Valerie Harper, Chico Escuela, Father Guido Sarducci.
Transcript
Candy Slice Recording Session
Recurring Characters: Jerry Aldini, Candy Slice.
Transcript
Consumer Probe
Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.
Singing Dog
Cochise At Oxford
Transcript
Kate Bush performs “Them Heavy People”
Goodnights
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
The Woman He Loved
Prince Charles…..Eric Idle
Vonda Walker…..Laraine Newman
Police Officer…..Dan Aykroyd
Lloyd…..John Belushi
[ open on black-and-white footage throughout London ]
Announcer V/O: In London today, anxious crowds filled the streets, waiting for some word from Buckingham Palace regarding the whereabouts of Prince Charles. The city is alive with the rumor that a royal marriage is in the offing, and that the heir to the throne is currently living with a 13-year old white trash girl in the deep South of the United States. As yet, there has been no comment from the Palace. This is David Fielding with the BBC in London.
[ dissolve to title card: “THE WOMAN HE LOVED” ]
[ dissolve to exterior, traielr park ]
[ dissolve to interior, trailer, as Prince Charles composes a letter ]
Prince Charles: “Dear Mum, Regards Your Majesty: I regret that I shall be unable to attend the opening of Parliament this year, as I am unfortunately detained…” [ he turns to look at the white trash seated across the trailer ] “…on business. Yours Faithfully, Charles, Prince of Wales.”
Vonda Walker: Charles? How come you never take me anywhere?
Prince Charles: Now, you know that’s not true, Vonda. Last week, I took you to the stockcar races in Greenfield.
Vonda Walker: I don’t mean ,i>that. I want to go with you when you launch a battleship over in Europe!
Prince Charles: Oh, you’d just be BORED silly, Vonda! Besides, we’ve gone over this: I am the heir to the throne of England, and you are a thirteen-year old American commoner with a fourth grade education.
Vonda Walker: You think I’m STUPID, don’t you?!
Prince Charles: [ on bended knee ] Now, you know I don’t think that for a moment, my treasure.
Vonda Walker: Well… your mother doesn’t like me. I know that.
Prince Charles: [ taken aback ] Well… no, she doesn’t. But she’ll come ’round. You wait and see!
Vonda Walker: Well, in the meantime, I have to sit home all day, eating Super Pops and watching TV while you’re out on manuevers with the Royal Navy!
Prince Charles: Vonda, have you any idea what it’s like to be Commander-in-Chief of the Welsh guards?
Vonda Walker: [ thinking ] Well… no.
Prince Charles: Well, it’s a difficult and a touchy job, I’ll have you know.
[ a series of sharp knocks sound at the door ]
Vonda Walker: [ calling out ] It’s open!
[ a Police Officer enters the trailer ]
Police Officer: Hi! Yeah, sorry to disturb you folks, but we got a call about a domestic disturbance here in the trailer park. Mr. Stancil Kaywood got a bowl o’ hot grits dumped on him by his wife. Uh — you know anything about that?
Vonda Walker: Hell, they carry on all the TIME like that!
Police Officer: Yeah, well, I guess I’d better take your names, in case you have to come to court and give a statement. Your names?
Prince Charles: Uh, certainly. This is Vonda Walker — [ she waves ]
Police Officer: Uh-huh?
Prince Charles: And I am Prince Charles.
Police Officer: Okay. Say — you know, there’s an L.C. Charles, runs the tractor-trailer show every month up there in Future City, Illinois? You have any relation to him?
Prince Charles: Probably not — no. My actual name is Charles Windsor.
Police Officer: [ he starts whistling and chuckling ] I used to know a Jule Windsor! His daddy and my daddy used to run a Diamond truck out of Meridian! He’s out in Oklahoma now, he works for the gas company. Hell, he’s making $17.50, $18.50 an hour, or something like that! Heh!
Prince Charles: That’s really quite a marvelous wage!
Police Officer: Oh, yeah!
Prince Charles: That’s really good for him. Well, I doubt we’re closely related, but I could write the Genealogical Society in London, and ask them to check it for you.
Police Officer: Oh, hell! If you’d find Jule’s address, I’d apppreciate it! Last I heard, he was in Prairie or Collinsville… near Tulsa, anyway.
Prince Charles: Well, I-I can’t promise anything, but I will give it a go.
Police Officer: Well, how you like there, Prince! Ma’am, we’ll see you later.
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Oh, by the way, Prince — I noticed on the way in, you got friction straps on your pick-up truck. Well, I’ll tell you something now, we got an ordinace here in Webster County — they’re illegal! I don’t know why, but it’s the law! You better take ’em off. I’ll give you a warning this time, but you all take them off, alright?
Prince Charles: Thank you, Officer. I’ll take care of it personally.
Police Officer: Okay!
Vonda Walker: Bye!
Police Officer: Bye!
[ the Police Officer exits the trailer ]
Vonda Walker: Baby? I’m sorry that I yelled at you, Charles. It’s just that, sometimes, I think it might be better if we just… parted.
Prince Charles: [ he hugs her ] Vonda! Don’t think such a thing, darling. Ever since I first set eyes on you, in your white vinyl boots and your orange halter top, I knew that you meant MORE to me than all the well-born, sophisticated, better-educated, over 21-yeear old women in the world.
Vonda Walker: Oh, Charles! [ she kisses him and pulls over to the other side of the trailer ]
[ suddenly, their neighbor lloyd enters the trailer ]
Lloyd: Hey, uh — either of you seen that, uh, tramp of a wife of mine? Where is she?! Where is that little SLUT?! I’ll KILL her!
Prince Charles: Hi, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Uh — hi there, Charlie. Hell, you know I work 60 hours a week… you know, I come home… you know, she’s out with a different man every night. You know? I KNOW she’s out with Bobby Tucker!
Prince Charles: Yes — I’m afraid I did see your wife with Mr. Tucker earleir this evening, when I was taking the trash to the dump.
Vonda Walker: I saw him, too!
Lloyd: Where do you think he went, Charlie?
Prince Charles: Wellll… I did borrow a cigarette from bobby, and he did mention something about Bobo Johnson’s Tick-Tock Lounge, uh, Route 52.
Lloyd: Alright, thanks a lot, CHarlie! I’m gonna go down there and blow their heads off. You got any, uh, rifle slugs for a Remington Brushmaster?
Prince Charles: Uhhh — I don’t think so.
Lloyd: I just need two.
Prince Charles: I’ll just check. [ he opens a cigar box ] No, sorry. Right out. Can’t help you, Lloyd.
Lloyd: Well, thanks anyway, Charlie.
Prince Charles: Yeah. Hope things work out for the best.
Lloyd: Okay.
Vonda Walker: Bye, Lloyd!
Lloyd: Bye!
[ Lloyd exits the trailer ]
Prince Charles: [ holding up a pack of birth control pills ] Vonda?
Vonda Walker: Mmm-hmm?
Prince Charles: Perhaps you can explain these?
Vonda Walker: [ surprised ] Oh, uh… my birth control pills! [ she laughs nervously ] THERE they are! I lost them last Thursday!
Prince Charles: Last Thursday? You and I have a very specific agreement on this!
Vonda Walker: [ crying ] But I want your baby! I want to be QUEEN of England! And I want to bear you a KING! His name’s gonna be KING DARRELL!!
Prince Charles: Darling, the ramifications are ENORMOUS! The entire British Commonwealth is involved.
Vonda Walker: But all that matters is you and me! You said so yourself!
Prince Charles: Very well. The only honorable thing to do… is to go to England… and speak to my mother, the Queen.
[ Charles exits the trailer to make the journey ]
[ cut to stock footage of a bus traveling down the highway and a plane flying through the air, over bouncy music ]
[ cut to exterior, Buckingham Palace, as “Hail Brittania” plays ]
[ cut back to stock footage of a plane flying through the air and a bus traveling down the highway, over bouncy music ]
[ return to the trailer, as Charles re-enters ]
Prince Charles: Darling? My mother says “No!” I’m afraid I can’t see you any more. Sorry.
[ Charles exits the trailer, as Vonda stands with her mouth agape ]
[ dissolve to title card ]
[ SCROLL: “We gratefully acknowledge the cooperation of the Royal Family of Great Britain, in particular H.R.H. Charles Prince of Wales and Department of Parks and Recreation, Webster County, Mississippi.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
The French Chef
Julia Child…..Dan Aykroyd
Julia Child: Welcome. I’m Julia Child. Today, we’re going to make aholiday feast, and we’re going to start with a half-boned chicken, a fine, fatroasting chicken. Now, first, remove the giblets – and you really shouldsave the giblets. They make a fine stock for soup. Or you cansave the liver and fry it up with some onions for a little snack; or if youhave a number of livers, you can make a lovely liver pate, or a deliciousliverwurst which you can spread on a cracker – a Ritz cracker, a Saltine..or rye bread, or pumpernickel bread.. or if you’re celebrating the Jewishholidays, you can make a chopped liver and shape it into the bust of a friend..if someone’s getting married or bar-mitzvahed. Or, if you have a little cator a dog, they love liver. Save the liver! Don’t throw itaway! I hope I’ve made my point. Don’t throw the liver away.
Now, where was I? [ looks around the kitchen ] Oh, yes. Anyway, it’s timeto bone the chicken. Now, for this, you need a very sharp knife. You can’tdo nothing without a sharp knife! [ holds chicken and cuts ] Now,you place the chicken on its stomach, and cut along the backbone to the pugnose like so.. [ drops knife ] crap! Oh! Oh, now I’ve done it -I’ve cut the dickens out of my finger. Well, I’m glad, in a way, this hashappened.. [ blood squirts onto the chicken ] We have never really discussed what to do. First, we must stop the bleeding. [ holds her apron over her hand ] The best way is to put pressure on the apron, like so.. [ blood keeps sqirting all over the kitchen ] Now, you want to raise your hand above your head so the blood doesn’t pump all the way up. [ blood continues to squirt ] Well, the apron doesn’t seem to be working, so Irecommend natural coagulants, such as chicken liver.. [ picks up the chickenliver ] Remember not to throw away the liver! [ blood squirts over thechicken liver ] Oh, God, it’s throbbing! Well, a tourniquet can be made,using a chicken bone.. [ wraps towl and chicken bone around her hand ] Finda pressure point between the heart and the wound – in this case, the wrist -and cut off the blood. This is a last resort, however, because youcould lose your hand if you tighten it too much! [ blood keepssquirting ] If you’re too woozy to tie the tourniquet, you might callEmergency Help – there’s not much time left.. [ hobbles towards the phone onback wall and picks it up ] Now, every kitchen phone should have theEmergency number written on it somewhere.. [ looks at phone ] Uh-oh! Thisone doesn’t! 9-1-1! [ tries to dial the number, but can’t ] Oh, this phoneis a prop, it doesn’t work! [ drops the phone, becoming woozy ]That’s a shame, because I’m remembering a time when I was a little girl andI.. had a dog named Admiral.. I used to give him liver.. and my mother gaveme a doll.. [ starts tipping from side to side ] Why are you all spinning..?Uh.. I think I’m going to go to sleep now.. bon appetit.. [ falls headfirstonto the counter, then jumps up one last time ] Save the liver! [ falls backonto the counter and twitches before dying ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
Cochise at Oxford
Professor … Eric Idle
Student #1 … Dan Aykroyd
Student #2 … Laraine Newman
Student #3 … John Belushi
Student #4 … Gilda Radner
Student #5 … Garrett Morris
Cochise … Bill Murray
Student #6 … Jane Curtin
[Title graphic: a photo of the Oxford Universitycampus in Great Britain with a text that reads:COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Time now for Cochise at Oxford. This week,Episode One: Tea and Tomahawks. We join Cochise’s newrhetoric professor as he asks the last question on anexam.
[Dissolve to a classroom where a white-hairedprofessor paces back and forth leading his studentsthrough an oral exam. Everyone wears black robes.]
Professor: And one final question. Would you prefer tospend a fortnight in an onion cellar searching for,uh, um, man’s inhumanity to man — or … have all ofThomas Hardy’s furniture start swelling up, say, two,three, four times its normal size? You in the onioncellar or Mr. Hardy’s furniture? No doubt frighteningthe dear old man half out of his wits into thebargain. Couches and tables bulging up this way andthat — and there dear Mr. Hardy staggering back indisbelief searching his poetic soul for someexplanation for this horrid vision. Your insignificantselves in an onion cellar or the incomparable ThomasHardy, perhaps even struck down by a milk lorry in hisattempt to flee the horrors of inflated chairs andottomans, outsized highboys, engorged love seats,goliath Queen Anne tables, bulbous end tables and allthe other villainy that makes this abhorrent visionworthy of rejection. All done? Very well. Put yourpens down. Quick! What weighs more: a pound of fleshnearest the heart or a pound on the head?
Students: A pound on the head!
Professor: Who had hemorrhoids?
Students: Napoleon!
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, how do you get down from anelephant?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Student #2: I know, sir!
Professor: What’s your name?
Student #2: Names aren’t important, sir.
Professor: Quite right! How do you get down from anelephant?
Student #2: Well, you wait until they get into yourpajamas and then you shoot them down.
Professor: Hm hm hm? The hand that rocks the cradle,pulls the pajama cord — is that it?
Student #3: Pulls the trigger more than likely, sir.
Professor: Mayberry-Sims, what have you to say tothat?
Student #1: [politely] I’m not Mayberry-Sims, sir.
Professor: Where the devil is Mayberry-Sims?
Student #4: He was hit, sir!
Professor: Was he shot?
Student #1: In his pajamas.
Professor: What was he doing in his pajamas?
Students: Sleeping!
Professor: Very good. Now, all of you, an exercise. Iwant you all to empty the left-hand side of yourbrains. Empty all the thoughts out of the left-handside and leave the right as it is. [students flop overand moan as if lobotomized] Mm hm. Mm hm. Now, you areexperiencing a form of abject clarity. Now, tell me,which came first — the chicken or the egg? [studentsmoan incomprehensibly] Doesn’t anybody know? Somebodymust know. Who came first — the chicken or the egg?[Cochise, in full Apache regalia, enters dramatically,accompanied by a stereotypical Indian musical theme]Ah! You must be the new fellow. How do you do? [theyshake hands, students moan] All of you! All of you,fill up the left side of your brains again, please![students slowly return to normal] Now, then, this isCochise, a full-blooded Apache Indian.
Students: A woo-woo Indian or a India Indian?
Professor: Uhhhh… [looks at Cochise] A woo-wooIndian, I would say. [to Cochise] Do you have a book?[Cochise solemnly touches a book he carries under hisarm] Good. Go sit down there with the Catholics.
Students: There’s no room!
Professor: Well, make some room. Come on, now.[Cochise takes a seat at the end of the second row andwatches in astonished silence as the Professor and hisstudents run through their nonsensical exchanges] Now,then, class … What’s your favorite law?
Students: The Natural Law!
Professor: Whyyyyy?
Students: Because it’s all-natural!
Professor: Who enforces the Natural Law?
Student #5: The police, usually.
Professor: Name something that isn’t covered under theNatural Law.
Student #6: Artificial flowers and unlicensedphysicians.
Professor: Good! Anyone else?
Student #1: Everything that isn’t … natural.
Professor: Perfect! What isn’t natural?
Student #2: Oh! For an animal to act in a most unusualway.
Professor: Really? Does the Natural Law permit acreature to befoul itself?
Students: Never!
Professor: What about ducks?
Students: Ducks?!
Professor: Consider ducks. If a duck were to wet,would it not soil its own large, webbed feet?
Student #3: Ducks are wet in the water — they’d swimaway from it.
Professor: What about the ones that walk around on theshore? Surely they’re not running into the seawhenever the pressing need to take a leak is withthem!
Student #6: Well, they lift their leg.
Professor: What?! And then they put their foot rightdown in the big orange puddle?
Students: How unnatural!
Student #5: Well, they ARE ducks.
Student #4: Are you suggesting that their feet are toobig?
Student #2: I know! They urinate and run at the sametime!
Student #1: [to the other students] I think Elizabethwas on to something there, uh, with this lifting theleg business. Perhaps they lift their leg and insteadof putting it down again, they – they simply … hopaway.
Professor: Like this, you mean?
[The Professor, standing at the chalkboard at thefront of the room, starts hopping up and down on onefoot. Apparently fed up with this insanity, Cochiserises from his seat, a tomahawk in his hand. He takesaim and throws it at the Professor. Then we pan overto the Professor whose deadpan face is only inchesaway from the tomahawk which is embedded in thechalkboard beside him. The Professor turns to theclass, annoyed.]
Professor: Who threw that? Come on. [Cochise standsstone-faced] Who was it?
[The Professor looks around the room indignantly as wedissolve back to the title graphic: COCHISE AT Oxford]
Don Pardo: Don’t miss Episode Two: Drums Along theThames — next time on Cochise at Oxford.
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
Eric Idle’s Monologue
…..Eric Idle
…..Howard Shore
…..Dave Wilson
…..Lorne Michaels
Interviewer…..Tom Schiller
…..Garrett Morris
…..John Belushi
…..Gilda Radner
…..Bill Murray
…..Joe Dicso
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eric Idle!
Eric Idle: Um… good evening. It’s nice to be back. [ he folds his arms, looks around nervously and starts whistling to himself ] Sorry about this! [ he smiles sheelpishly ] It won’t be a minute now, you know, it’s just, uh… [ he laughs ] just waiting for the opening monologue! They do a lot of things at the last minute on this show, you know, and, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] sometimes a little bit ,i.later than the last minute. and, uh, the thing is, the writers are just, uh… [ he laughs nervously ] just working on this monologue that they’re gonna give me to do, to open the show with. [ he laughs ] It’s very important, you know, when you’re doing a live show to, uh, to have something really funny to come on with, and get the whole show off to a good start! Otherwise, you know, it can go right into the dumper, you know, right from the start. [ he looks around ] You know how it can go right to the dumper at the start. [ he sighs deeply ] Actually, the writers are working on it at the moment, uh, just right now. [ he step closer to the audience ] I think the thing is, they take too many drugs. [ he steps back ] Shhh. Don’t — don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. [ he looks around nervously and sighs heavily ] Well, look, uh — I think I’d better go and find out… [he laughs ] what’s going on, because, uh, I don’t — you know, I would really like to get the show really going! You know, lots of big laughs — they said it’s a very funny monologue, and, uh, uh… I’ll just go and find out where it is.
[ Idle steps over to bandleader Howard Shore ]
Eric Idle: Howard? Do you think you could just play a bit of, you know, music, uh, ehilst I just go and find Lorne? Okay?
Howard Shore: He’s, uh — [ he points off-camera ]
Eric Idle: Yeah. Could you play something — Why don’t you play something like, uh — play — play “My Love”. Yeah. “My love does it good.” Okay? Just bust it, you know? [ to the audience ] Howard Shore plays “My Love”! Okay? Hang in!
[ Howard Shore and the band begin to play, as Idle runs offstage and into the audience past the “What Do You?” set ]
Eric Idle: [ to an audience member ] Have you seen Lorne? No.
[ Idle continues through the audience, past a cameraman ]
Eric Idle: Excuse me. Uh, do you know where Lorne is?
Cameraman: [ pointing ] He’s in the Control Room.
Eric Idle: He’s in the Control Room. Right.
[ Idle continues through the studio toward the Control Room, passing a Page ]
Eric Idle: Hi!
[ Idle enters the Control Room, where director Dave Wilson is telling a joke to the crew ]
Dave Wilson: …So he says, “I already had my breakfast!”
[ the Control Room laughs ]
Eric Idle: Uh — sorry, Davey. Do you know where Lorne is?
Dave Wilson: Oh, he’s in the back. Supposed to do an interview.
Eric Idle: Oh. Oh, I’ve gotta go see him.
Dave Wilson: Oh! Oh, Eric! I have a note for you. [ he opens up the script ] Um — you know that scene where you play the professor?
Eric Idle: Yeah.
Dave Wilson: Do you think you could be funnier?
Eric Idle: Yeah. I-I-I’ll be funny…
Dave Wilson: Funni-er.
Eric Idle: Funnier. Okay, I’ll be funnier.
Dave Wilson: Just a little.
Eric Idle: Okay. alright, Davey.
[ Idle exits through the Control Room to where Lorne Michael is conducting an interview ]
Lorne Michaels: I think of all the things, I guess the most important thing really is, is, uh, timing.
Eric Idle: Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Uh — not now, Eric. [ to the interviewer ] Oh! Timing.
Eric Idle: I’m sorry, I have to interrupt because, uh… do you know where the writers are?
Lorne Michaels: Uhh — they’re probably in the writer’s lounge. It’s just down the hall to the left.
Eric Idle: Yeah. The thing is, I never got the opening monologue.
Lorne Michaels: Oh. [ he checks his watch ] Well, uh — I’m just in the middle of this. I — I — uh — Well, it’s just to the left. They’re down in the lounge.
Eric Idle: Okay.
Lorne Michaels: If you’d just mentioned it to me earlier…
Eric Idle: I’m sorry, It just occurred to me.
[ Idle exits ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to the interviewer ] That was Eric Idle. He’s our host.
[ cut to Idle entering the hall, where a woman rides a pony ]
Eric Idle: Hi! I thought this sketch was cut?
Woman: Really?
Eric Idle: Yeah. Yeah, this is out.
[ Garrett Morris approaches ]
Garrett Morris: Hey, man, what’s happening?
Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?
Garrett Morris: Um…
[ Idle continues down the hall and enters John Belushi’s dressing room, where Belushi is talking on the phone as he’s given a back massage ]
John Belushi: I’m telling you, the record’s gonna be —
Eric Idle: Hi, John?
John Belushi: Eric! how are you doing?!
Eric Idle: I’m doing fine, thanks.
John Belushi: [ into the phone ] Okay, I’ll talk to you later. [ he hangs up ] How are you doing, Eric?
[ the Masseuse yanks Belushi’s head up ]
Eric Idle: Have you seen the writers?
John Belushi: Are you hosting the show this week?
Eric Idle: Yeah, I’m supposedto be hosting it right now. I’m supposedto be doing the monologue.
John Belushi: Oh.
Eric Idle: I’m a bit late.
John Belushi: Oh, the writers? They don’t talk to me.
Eric Idle: No?
John Belushi: They don’t write me into anything! They’re JEALOUS! JEALOUS! They’re next door…
Eric Idle: Next door. Right.
[ Belushi’s name is called on an intercom, as Idle exits down the hall and opens the door to the writer’s lounge to reveal everyone smoking joints to the beat of Indian sitar music ]
Eric Idle: Hello? [ he checks one writer’s pulse ] Does anybody have the opening monologue?
[ Idle exits the room and rushes through the hals ]
Intercom: Please be advised that Fred Silverman’s Disco Barbecue, at the home of Fred Silverman, has been cancelled.
[ Idle rounds a corner and runs into Gilda Radner chatting with an actor dressed as Abraham Lincoln ]
Gilda Radner: Oh, hi, Eric!
Eric Idle: Hi, Gilda.
Gilda Radner: Look — I heard the monologue went GREAT!
Eric Idle: Uh… I haven’t done it yet. I mean, I never got the script.
Gilda Radner: You didn’t?
Eric Idle: No!
Gilda Radner: Well, why don’t you go out there and ad-lib it or something? I mean, they must be waiting.
Eric Idle: I don’t do that.
Gilda Radner: Well — come on! You’re a real funny guy! You can ad-lib it! Go on! I mean, why do you think we’ve had you on the show, hosting so many times?
Eric Idle: Because I’m a friend of Lorne’s.
Gilda Radner: [ stunned ] I never thought of that…
Eric Idle: Yeah.
Gilda Radner: Well, hurry up! Go on!
[ Gilda rushes Idle down the hall, where he runs into Bill Murray ]
Bill Murray: Eric? Why aren’t you on stage?
Eric Idle: I’m supposed to be on.
Bill Murray: Well, why aren’t you out there just doing something?
Eric Idle: I don’t have the monologue.
Bill Murray: You nut! [ he smacks Idle’s head ] You’re funny! Now GO OUT THERE and be funny!
[ Bill puts Idle in a headlock and drags him to behind the Cochise at Oxford set ]
Bill Murray: Listen here! You’re a funny man! God gave you an INCREDIBLE gift! You can be funny with ANYTHING you say! This is a New York audience — even if it’s not funny, they know it’s SUPPOSED to be funny, and they’re gonna LAUGH! You can do it! You’re the best, you’re the funniest! Tell a story! Something must have happened in Tunisia, right?
Eric Idle: Yeah… the jar…
Bill Murray: Tell THAT! The jar!
Eric Idle: [ to Joe Dicso ] Can you get the jar for me? The Roman jar out of my dressing room. Can you just bring it?
Joe Dicso: Right.
[ he rushes off ]
Bill Murray: Now, you’re gonna go up there, and you’re gonna be the FUNNIEST man in America! Now, right now! [ he drags Idle up to Home Base ] ERIC IDLE! GIVE IT UP!! GIVE IT UP!!
[ the audience applauds wildly, as Bill exits the stage ]
Eric Idle: Thank you. [ he laughs ] This isn’t really a funny story, but it, uh, it’s a true story. Um — uh — hmm! I-I’ve, uh, I’ve just got back from Tunisia, where I spent tow months filming with Monty Python. And, uh, we were filming in Carthage, where there are some ancient 2,000-year old ruins — [ his jar is brought to him ] Thank you. And… just by the side there was a dig, and I went to sort of have a go, and I spent about an hour and I found this. And I dug it out, and I, uh, and I had it looked at, and it’s over 2,000 years old. And it’s a very delicately worked Roman pot, and it’s about 2,300 years old. Isn’t it beautiful?
[ he admires it for a moment longer, then tosses it over his shoulder and lets crash to the floor ]
Eric Idle: Another thing that I liked about Tunisia… uh, was the music. It’s very strange music. Uh — it’s something like this: [ he begins to chant comically ] It’s, uh… [ the audience applauds ] Thank you. It’s music from the Stone Deaf Age. And, uh — this is a little story, it’s about two people: He is a jasmine czar, and she isn’t. [ he chants comically some more ] She wears a sheet, and he asks her for her hand in marriage — ’cause that’s the only thing he can see. [ he chants comically some more ] Uh, she says she cannot marry him… as she has boils. [ he chants comically some more ] He stabs himself to death, giving her a little jasmine flower at the last minute. [ he chants comically some more ] She is allergic to jasmine flowers, and dies from the allergy. The story ends unhappily, but, unhappily, not for another twenty minutes. We’ll be right back.
[ he chants comically some more, as the scene fades ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8
Candy Slice Recording Session
Phil Malone … John Belushi
Justin … Eric Idle
Backup Singer #1 … Laraine Newman
Backup Singer #2 … Jane Curtin
Jerry Eldini … Bill Murray
Candy Slice … Gilda Radner
[Recording studio. Out on the floor, punk singer CandySlice’s manager Justin, an Englishman in suit and tie,chats with the musicians in the studio band. ProducerPhil Malone enters from the control room to confronthim.]
Phil Malone: Now, look. Where is she? It’s beensix and a half hours. We’ve been waiting for six and ahalf hours. Who the hell does she think sheis?
Justin: Look, she’s an artist. She’s a genius.She’s a rock messiah. She’s the future! She’llbe here. Relax.
Phil Malone: Look, I’ve worked with a lot of”rock messiahs” before. They never kept me waiting.Not me — not Phil Malone! Naw, I worked with – Iworked with Hendrix! Hendrix never kept mewaiting. Jim Morrison never kept me waiting.
Backup Singer #1: What about Jim Croce?
Phil Malone: Once. But it wasn’t hisfault.
Backup Singer #1: I think it’s an honor to bekept waiting by Candy Slice. I mean, she’s a poet.What’s the matter with all of you?
[Oily music company rep and drug supplier JerryEldini, wearing a garish yellow POLYSUTRA jacket,enters and starts schmoozing with everyone.]
Jerry Eldini: Ohhh! Hi, Phil. Good! The band’shere. Hi, Justin, decent jacket. How are you?You must be the back-up singers. Jerry Eldini,Polysutra A & R, how ya doin’, kids? Phil! [kisses theproducer on the head] Beautiful to work with you, man.How are you?
Phil Malone: Eldini, we’ve been waiting six anda half hours. You’re supposed to keep an eye on her.Where is she? Who the hell does she think she isanyway?
Jerry Eldini: I am sorry. Five more minutes,Phil, please?
Phil Malone: No!
Jerry Eldini: Can we talk for a second?
[Eldini turns his back on the others (and the camera)to hide the fact that Phil is being invited to leanover and take a fast snort of Eldini’s cocaine – Philleans in, his head briefly hidden from view, thenquickly straightens up, wiping his nose.]
Phil Malone: Okay, five minutes.
Justin: Jerry, uh, could we talk for asecond?
Jerry Eldini: Certainly.
Justin: Thank you.
[Justin, too, leans in for a quick toot of the devil’sdandruff, then straightens and confers with producerPhil.]
Justin: Uh, anyway, Phil. I think you’re -you’re really gonna get off on her raw energy, man,you know?
Phil Malone: Okay. Where is she?
Justin: Well, ah, let me check thehall.
[Justin goes to the hall door and opens it. Slumped inthe doorway is a barely conscious, completely wastedCandy Slice, wearing a sleeveless pink top. She fallsforward and Jerry catches her before she lands facefirst on the floor.]
Justin: Candy!
[Justin hauls her into the room and offers her limphand to the producer.]
Justin: Candy, where have you been? We’ve beenwaiting for ya. Phil Malone, Candy Slice.
Phil Malone: Hi.
Justin: Say hello.
Phil Malone: [shakes hands, inspects her armfor needle marks] What’s she taking?
Justin: She’s clean, man. She just spent sixmonths in the Bahamas, detox-ing.
Jerry Eldini: Candy, how’d you slip away, youbright little, elusive butterfly of love?
[Candy, zombie-like and propped up by Justin, fails torecognize Eldini.]
Jerry Eldini: Come on, Jerry Eldini, A & R,Polysutra Records? Last night? Polysutra’s PowerfulPunk Promotion Party? Huh?
[Candy responds with a belch.]
Jerry Eldini: Party-party!Party-party-party-party! Huh? Remember? Tavern on theGreen? Tootski? Tootski, remember?
Phil Malone: Hey, you sure she’s allright?
Justin: Yeaaaaaaah, she’s fine. She’s a pro.She’ll get it in one take. Relax.
[Justin drags Candy to the microphone and tries toprop her up in front of it as Phil angrily confrontsEldini.]
Phil Malone: Eldini, I hold you personallyresponsible. You were in charge of her. It’s obviousshe’s been partying all night long. Who knows whatshe’s taken and– Oh, God! [hand to head, indespair]
Jerry Eldini: [tries to be reasonable] Phil.Phil. Let me give you a little bit of input,okay?
Phil Malone: What?
[Eldini turns his back – offers more coke.]
Jerry Eldini: Go.
[Phil leans in, takes a toot, snaps back to attentionand hurries into the control room. Justin joinsEldini.]
Justin: Jerry? Could I have a little bit ofinput … ?
Jerry Eldini: Sure.
Justin: … Uh, about the album cover.
[But Justin instead wants a little input from Eldini’sstash. He puts an arm around Eldini’s shoulder andleans in for a snort. Meanwhile, Candy, left alone atthe microphone, slowly collapses to the floor, takingthe mike down with her.]
Jerry Eldini: [reassuring Justin] The album isa monster. It’s guaranteed platinum. It’smonster-monster. I mean it. No problem.
Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, we’reready to go, uh–
Justin: Yeah, she’s ready! [hauls Candy off thefloor]
Phil Malone: Where is she?
Justin: She’s ready. She’s ready. She’s here.
Candy Slice: [nearly incomprehensible] Wait aminute. Wait a minute. [Candy approaches the twonearby backup singers, one of whom has been mindlesslyusing a hair brush on her shiny locks] Hey! Can I haveyour brush?
Backup Singer #2: Sure.
[Backup singer hands over the brush. The singers watchas Candy uses it to brush her hair and then one of herhairy armpits.]
Backup Singer #1: Listen, uh, Candy. I’m sureyou hear this all the time, you know, uh, but – you’remy idol. I mean, when I heard your album “Making thePig Sick,” I stopped brushing my hair. You’reincredible, really.
Candy Slice: [points to the singer’s nose] Yergetting a zit! [offers the brush back] Here.
Backup Singer #2: Uh, no, you can keepit.
[Candy staggers back to Justin at themicrophone.]
Justin: Candy, you ready?
Candy Slice: Smoke! Smoke!
Justin: Oh. Give it up.
Phil Malone: Okay, are we all together now?Come on, let’s do a rundown.
Justin: [to Candy, as he backs away, taking thehair brush with him] Okay?
Phil Malone: Okay. “If You Look Close.” Takeone. Come on.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] Okay. One,two, three, let’s go!
[The band crashes in with a thrashing punk rhythm butCandy just stands there, wobbling at the mike, andmisses her cue. Justin waves off the band who stopplaying and confers with Candy.]
Justin: All right, all right, all right. Whatis it, love? What do you want?
Candy Slice: Booze!
[Justin brings her a bottle a booze and chats with heras she drinks. Most of the liquor does not stay in hermouth but spills on the floor.]
Justin: Hey, you know, uh, Mick, Keith andWoody were thinking of dropping by later–
Phil Malone: [emerges from control room, upset,to Candy] Look! I got an album to do here! Do youunderstand? [calms down, tries down to reason withher] Now, Candy, Candy–
[Candy spits a mouthful of liquor in Phil’sface.]
Candy Slice: Sorry.
[Phil relieves Candy of the bottle. She sloppily andrepeatedly kisses Phil on the face.]
Phil Malone: Candy? Candy? Is – is thereanything that you need, Candy? I mean, are you happy,Candy? I mean, I want you to be happy, you know? Weall want you to be happy. Right? Doesn’t everybodywant her to be happy?
Various: Yeah! We want her to be happy. We alldo.
Phil Malone: So, are you ready to singnow, Candy?
Candy Slice: Gum!
Phil Malone: Gum! She wants a stick of gum!Okay.
[Fed up, Justin removes a wad of gum from his ownmouth and sticks it in Candy’s.]
Phil Malone: Good. Okay. Good. All right.Ready, everybody?
Justin: Yeah, yeah.
Phil Malone: [rushes into control room] Okay,all right. All right. [over intercom] “If You LookClose.” Take two.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!
[Band plays. Candy staggers away from the mike andcollapses against Justin, whispering in his ear. Bandstops playing.]
Justin: [placating Candy] I’ll take care of it.I’ll take care of it. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I’lltake care of it.
Phil Malone: [emerges from control room] Nowwhat?
Justin: [points to the hair-brushing backupsinger] She wants her to cut her hair.
Phil Malone: What?
Justin: It’s shiny. It distracts her.
Phil Malone: Fine. Fine. All right, okay.[grabs scissors] Hair cut! The hair gets cut! Okay?There we go! Cut the hair. [lops off some hair, handsit to the backup singer] Here. That’s for you, honey.All right, wow. [exits into control room]
Backup Singer #1: [stares at Singer #2’s newhaircut] I liked it a lot better before.
Backup Singer #2: [to Singer #1] Does it reallylook bad?
Backup Singer #1: [to Singer #2] It’s not goodbut I guess it’ll grow out in ’bout a year ortwo.
Jerry Eldini: [sympathetic, to Singer #2]Relax. I know a dynamite hair cutter. How ’bout alittle tootski?
Backup Singer #2: [delighted] Tootski!
Jerry Eldini: [back to camera] All right. Go![Singer #2 leans in for a toot] Okay. Go! [Singer #1leans in for a toot]
[Justin lifts Candy in the air and carries her back tothe microphone, puts her hands on the mike stand,steadies her, then retreats to the controlroom.]
Phil Malone: [over intercom] Okay, uh, let’stry it again. “If You Look Close.” Take three. Let’sgo.
Keyboardist: [counts in the band] One, two,three, let’s go!
[Band plays. Candy abruptly hits her cue and singswith energy and passion.]
Candy Slice: [sings]
I’m sexless – I sing loud
Know that always gets a crowd
I talk dirty – and I’m proud
No dry cleanin’ is allowed
I am funky – I don’t bathe
I am rock and roll’s new slave
I am punky – to the grave
I can’t sing but I can raaaaaaaaave
Watch my blouse!
I got the rhythm
High heeled feet
Pants to go with ’em
Candy and Backup Singers:
I am hot
Don’t need no bra
Got what it takes
To make a starrrr!
[Candy dances jerkily and robotically as the bandgrooves behind her.]
Keyboardist: One, two, three, four!
[The music cools down for a moment and Candy staggersback to the mike.]
Candy Slice: [sings]
If you look close
You can see my tips
‘Cause I want ya to
But don’t want ya to know that I do!
[Candy hops around the studio frantically.]
Backup Singers: [sing]
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause i want you to, but don’t want you to know I do
If you look close – you can see my tits,
‘Cause I want you to, but don’t want you to know thatI dooooooo
Candy Slice: [sings]
I am bitter – I don’t care
I have never washed my hair
I’m immoral – and a pig [snort]
Candy and Backup Singers:
And I’m makin’ it real biiiig!
Candy Slice: [sings]
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know what I– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do you know– ?
Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya – Do ya-
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody – Doody -Doody
Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do – Do -Do
Uhhhhh….!
[Candy collapses to the floor as the band finishes upand the crowd cheers and applauds. Phil, Justin andEldini emerge from the control room happily andcongratulate the band and backup singers over Candy’sunconscious, prostrate body as we hear a playback ofCandy’s song.]
Jerry Eldini: [holds up some coke] Tootski! Whowants one?
[Dissolve to a wider view of the set, the cameras andthe Studio 8H audience – then pull back. Before fadingout, we see a SUPER: coming up next… Charlie’s AngelDust]
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