For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Goodnights
…..Carrie Fisher
Carrie Fisher: Good night! Good night!
[ audience cheers ]
Don Pardo V/O: Next week, join us for an encore presentation of the Saturday Night Live” show, hosted by Paul Simon with his special guest George Harrison. Two weks from tonight, we’ll be back live on the air with host Walter Matthau. This is Don Pardo. Good night!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
The Loud Family
Mrs. Loud…..Jane Curtin
Mr. Loud…..Bill Murray
Joan Loud…..Carrie Fisher
Jean Loud…..Gilda Radner
Rick Phillips…..Dan Aykroyd
Kevin…..John Belushi
The Police Officer…..Garrett Morris
(Mrs. Loud answers the ringing telephone)
Mrs. Loud: HELLO, LOUD RESIDENCE. OH. HI KEVIN. NO, JEAN AND JOAN WENT TO THEIR FIGURE SKATING CLASS.
Mr. Loud: WHO IS IT, HONEY?
Mrs. Loud: ITS KEVIN. (Jean and Joan are heard laughing off-screen) HERE THEY COME NOW, KEVIN. JOAN, ITS KEVIN. I THINK HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU.
Joan: OH MOM! HI, KEVIN? WELL, JEANS DATE WILL BE HERE ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DONT WE MEET HERE? OKAY, ILL SEE YOU LATER. GOODBYE.
Mr. Loud: WELL, IM GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE FINALLY GETTING DATES. YOU KNOW, YOURE BOTH GOOD LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS. I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY BOYS HAVING BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE DOOR.
Jean: WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM SCAIRED THEM ALL AWAY.
Mrs. Loud: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
Joan: YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY TIME TO OURSELVES.
Mr. Loud: WELL, MAYBE IF I GET TO KNOW THE BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO REASON WHY YOU TWO CANT BE TRUSTED ALONE. JEAN, WHOS THE YOUNG MAN YOURE SEEING TONIGHT?
Jean: HIS NAMES RICK. HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH AND HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH.
(doorbell rings)
Mr. Loud: ILL GET IT.
Rick: Hi. Im Rick Phillips. You must be Mr. and Mrs. Loud.
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: THATS RIGHT.
Jean: HI RICK! COME SIT DOWN. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY SISTER, JOAN.
Joan: HI!
Rick: Its easy to tell youre sisters.
(the girls begin talking over the top of each other)
Girls: REALLY? YOU THINK SO? I DONT KNOW? I LOOK MORE LIKE MY DAD. Etc.
Rick: You have two lovely daughters.
Mr. Loud: WELL ITS A SAD STORY, REALLY. WE USED TO HAVE THREE DAUGHTERS, BUT OUR ELDEST DIED IN A SKIING ACCIDENT.
Rick: Im sorry, what happened?
Mr. Loud: AVALANCHE.
(Mrs. Loud bursts into loud sobs)
Mr. Loud: BAD LUCK, I GUESS.
(the doorbell rings)
Joan: ILL GET IT! THAT MUST BE KEVIN! (opens the door) HI KEVIN!
Kevin: Hi Joan.
Jean: HI KEVIN, I WANT YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND RICK.
Joan: RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND KEVIN.
(they shake hands)
Kevin: Sorry Im late. The flight from Cleveland was delayed so, I had to work late.
Mrs. Loud: WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE YOURSELVES. MR. LOUD AND ILL JUST GO UPSTAIRS AND, UM READ.
Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT KIDS.
Jean: GOODNIGHT MOM. GOODNIGHT DAD.
Mrs. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.
Mr. Loud: GOODNIGHT JEAN. GOODNIGHT JOAN.
Joan: GOODNIGHT MOM AND DAD.
Mr. Loud: AND REMEMBER, IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY 2:00 AND DONT FORGET TO LOCK THE BACK DOOR.
(they go upstairs and after a few minutes they are heard having sex. The girls and Kevin are unscathed, but Rick is bewildered)
Jean: SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANNA DO TONIGHT?
Kevin: How about a movie?
Rick: Okay, but before we go
(Rick pulls out a joint and begins passing it around)
Joan: WOW, THIS IS GREAT POT!
(Rick attempts to keep them quiet)
Jean: YEAH, ONE PUFF AND IM SO STONED!
(footsteps are heard coming downstairs and the kids scramble to hide the joint)
Mr. Loud: WHATS GOING ON DOWN HERE?!
Mrs. Loud: JEAN, JOAN, IM ASHAMED!
Jean & Joan: UH-OH!
Mr. Loud: BOYS, MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS NOW!
(They take the girls into the next room and close the door)
Rick: Whats wrong with this family? They seem to talk loud. Like really loud.
Kevin: (pulling the sound mufflers off his ear) What?
Rick: Never mind.
Mr. Loud: WE BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE WE DIDNT WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS.
Mrs. Loud: I CANT BELIEVE I FOUND YOU TWO SMOKING IN HERE TONIGHT AND I DONT APPROVE!
Jean: MOM, DONT YELL AT ME LIKE IM A CHILD!
Mr. Loud: WELL, YOURE BOTH ACTING LIKE CHILDREN!
Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TO!
Jean & Joan: WE ARE NOT!
Mr. & Mrs. Loud: YOU ARE TOO!
(the doorbell rings)
Mr. Loud: WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS HOUR OF THE NIGHT? (there is a police officer standing at the door) OH! HELLO OFFICER!
Officer: Im sorry to bother you, but youre all going to have to quiet down in here.
Mr. Loud: IM SORRY OFFICER. WHO COMPLAINED?
Officer: Nobody. I was driving by.
Mr. Loud: WELL, IM SORRY. WE WERE HAVING A FIGHT. WELL STOP.
Officer: I hope you got the message.
The Loud Family: GOODNIGHT OFFICER!
(Not expecting them to all yell at once, Rick spills his snack)
(pull back on wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Celebrity Battle of the Wimps And Twerps”)
Submitted by: Catherine
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Mercy Killers
Doctor … Jane Curtin
Mrs. Gilbert … Gilda Radner
Mr. Gilbert … John Belushi
Orderly #1 … Dan Aykroyd
Orderly #2 … Bill Murray
Nurse #1 … Laraine Newman
Nurse #2 … Carrie Fisher
Mr. Wilkie … Garrett Morris
Singer … Bill Murray
[Hospital room. Doctor confers with Mr. and Mrs.Gilbert next to the bed of Mrs. Gilbert’s comatosemother.]
Mrs. Gilbert: [distressed] Doctor, what do youmean she could live for another year in all thispain?
Doctor: All I’m saying is that she has terminalmetastasis of the liver and vertebrae and will neverbe capable of walking, moving or communicating. Andbecause of a total deterioration of thevestibulo-colear nerve, she is, however, capable ofexperiencing excruciating pain.
Mrs. Gilbert: Oh …
Mr. Gilbert: [puts a comforting arm around hiswife] I don’t wanna sound cold about it but, uh, twothousand dollars a day to keep an old woman who’s hada full, happy life in excruciating pain doesn’t soundlike much of a bargain to me. … [to the doctor] So,uh, why don’t you just, uh, shut off all thosemachines?
Doctor: Well, we can’t do that. Not without thepermission of the closest of kin and that would beyou, Mrs. Gilbert.
Mrs. Gilbert: Oh, I just don’t – I just don’tknow. I mean, what would mother want? I wish she couldgive us a signal or something.
Mr. Gilbert: Aw, honey, let’s face it. She’s aveg. …
Mrs. Gilbert: I – I’m sorry but I can’t be theone to give my permission to let her die.
Doctor: Well, then, our hands are tied. I’msorry.
[Sad music as we dissolve to the doctor’s darkenedoffice where a white-uniformed orderly rifles througha filing cabinet while a second orderly holds aflashlight for him.]
Orderly #1: [pulls file, reads it] Yeah, here’sone in 1217. “Terminal metastasis of the liver andvertebrae, deterioration of the vestibulo-colear nervebundle.”
Orderly #2: She must be in a lot of pain. Arethey gonna let her die with dignity?
Orderly #1: Let’s see. [turns pages in file]No! [grimly] They’re keepin’ her on themachines.
Orderly #2: [sighs] Sounds like a job for us,all right.
[Dramatic music. SUPER: MERCY KILLERS logo — completewith an unplugged electric cord and an open electricoutlet.]
Don Pardo V/O: And now it’s time for “MercyKillers”! The unsung heroes of the terminallyill!
[Hurry music as the doctor enters and switches on thelights. The orderlies quickly return the file, closethe cabinet drawer, and try vainly to lookinnocent.]
Doctor: What are you two doing in myoffice?
Orderly #1: [lying badly] We – we passed byyour office. We heard some noise. We came in andsurprised some creep in a leather jacket. We tried tograb him but – he ran out.
Orderly #2: Yeah. That’s it. I don’t think hetook anything.
Doctor: [somehow convinced, sits at desk,focuses on paperwork] Oh, good. ‘Cause there’s beenstrange things going on in this hospital. You twodon’t know anything about that mysterious death inpost-op, do you?
[The orderlies glance at one anotherknowingly.]
Orderly #2: [after a long pause,unconvincingly] No. We’re orderlies. We just – cleanbedpans.
[The doctor nods, convinced.]
Orderly #1: [to Orderly #2] Come on. Let’s goclean bedpans.
Orderly #2: Yeah. Hey, wait up.
[The orderlies exit. Transitional music as we dissolveback to the hospital room where two nurses escort apatient, Mr. Wilkie, into the room and put him in thebed next to Mrs. Gilbert’s comatose mother.]
Nurse #1: All right. Not too fast.
Nurse #2: Take it easy.
Mr. Wilkie: [walking gingerly] Ahhh….
Nurse #2: That’s it.
Nurse #1: Not too fast.
Nurse #2: That’s it.
Mr. Wilkie: [gets in bed] You know, you know,ladies, I – I feel fine. Why don’t both of you hopinto bed with me and let me try out my newvasectomy?
Nurse #2: Now, now, Mr. Wilkie, you’ll be outof here tomorrow and you can do whatever you want but,until then, we’ll follow hospital regulations. [puts ascreen between the room’s two beds]
Mr. Wilkie: [indicates Mrs. Gilbert’s mother]Hey, uh, who’s, uh, in that bed over there?
Nurse #1: [readies a hypodermic needle] Neveryou mind. It’s just someone fast asleep – which iswhat you’re gonna be in a second – once thesesedatives kick in. After that, all you’ll want to dois go to sleep.
Mr. Wilkie: Okay. I am pretty sleepy already.Good night.
Nurse #1: Good night.
Nurse #2: Good night.
Mr. Wilkie: [sleepily] Good night.[yawns]
[The nurses shut off the lights and exit as Mr. Wilkiebegins to doze. After a moment, the Mercy Killersenter with flashlights.]
Orderly #1: This is it! 1217!
Orderly #2: There’s the bed. Here’s thepatient.
[They stand on either side of Mr. Wilkie’sbed.]
Mr. Wilkie: Uh, hey, who are youpeople?
Orderly #1: [unconvincingly reassuring] It’sokay. Uh, we’re just orderlies. It’s allright.
Orderly #2: [to Orderly #1] Hey, didn’t thefile say seventy-eight year old femaleCaucasian?
Orderly #1: Yeah, it did. Anothermistake in the file system! … This hospital’sreally going downhill. Let’s do it.
Mr. Wilkie: Uh, what’s going on, fellas?Hey!
[The orderlies suddenly take a pillow from behind Mr.Wilkie’s head and start to smother him with it.Orderly #2 holds the pillow, leaving #1 to strugglewith Mr. Wilkie’s wildly flailing arms. The patient’sscreams are muffled by the pillow.]
Orderly #2: [loses his nerve] Stop! Wait aminute! Maybe we shouldn’t be taking thisresponsibility.
Orderly #1: [annoyed] What do you mean? Why doyou always pull this on me at the last minute?[grimly, rapidly] I’m gonna tell you a little storyabout a guy who dreamed of going to medical school tobe a surgeon but he couldn’t — ’cause his father waslying in silent agony for years while the family wasspiritually and financially drained. And that guy, hecouldn’t go to medical school so he had to become anorderly, clean bedpans, and the only way he could helppeople was by letting them die in dignity like this.[Mr. Wilkie has been struggling and flailing his armsin an undignified manner throughout the entirespeech.]
Orderly #2: Gee, did that story happen toyou?
Orderly #1: [as if it were obvious] No. [backto business] Give me a hand with this guy.
[Mr. Wilkie finally succumbs, though there is anamusing final flailing of the arms.]
Orderly #1: Another merciful death.
[Mentally and physically exhausted, the Mercy Killerswalk away from their patient.]
Orderly #2: [with a backward glance] Well, atleast we won’t have to clean up after this one anymore.
Orderly #1: [solemnly] The people we help cannever thank us. All we can expect is that maybesomeday, someone will write a song about us. …[casually] Come on, let’s go get some coffee and asweet roll.
[They exit as the Theme from “Mercy Killers” playsover the show’s closing credits, which aresuperimposed over stills from other episodes of theseries:]
Singer V/O: [sings cheesily]
They kill not because they want to
Because they think it’s right to
In some cases
Have mercy on them and someday they may
Have mercy on you
The mercy killers
Have mercy on you
The mercy killers!
[SUPERED CREDITS:
Mercy Killers
A Quonset Production
executive producer
Ron Gwynn
producer
Husky Blaimes
director
Larry Hayes
technical advisor
Dr. Robert Marks, D.D.S.
writers
Robert Hackleman
Shimmy Plenner
Jack Thorax
ALL MERCY KILLERS
stories are true, based
on files stolen from
hospitals throughout
the State of Nevada.]
[STILL PHOTOS: The Mercy Killers in a darkeneddoctor’s office with flashlight and file folder;entering a darkened hospital room with flashlight andlarge hypodermic needle; squeezing a patient’s I.V.tubes; smothering a patient in bed.]
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Carrie Fisher’s Monologue
…..Carrie Fisher
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi…..Dan Aykroyd
[ Carrie Fisher enters Home Base relunctantly dressed as Princess Leia ]
Carrie Fisher: Yeah, I.. I felt a little awkward coming out in my Princess Leia costume, ’cause it might seem like I’m exploiting “Star Wars”.. But, you know, I went along with it, because, uh.. if I came out as myself, who would recognize me? So, uh.. yeah, I really didn’t know what to do, I felt really.. weird. So.. well, I went to the one person I know I can trust. Someone who’s always been there for me in the past.. well, you probably know who he is, you’ve heard of him.. my good friend Obi-Wan Kinobi! and, uh.. Obi-Wan said, “Look, the costume is fine. But if you’re gonna do “Saturday Night Live”, you want to open with a really great joke.” So.. he gave me one that’s supposed to be sure-fire and.. [ chuckles ] ..well, I-I-I don’t usually do jokes, but.. here goes.
Uh.. There’s this Bantha who’s placed information vital to the survival of the rebellion R-2 unit. Well, the Bantha knows it’ll take a little while for the Nava-computer to calculate the coordinates. So, then.. the Bantha goes over to Jabba the Hut’s bar, and he gets an idea. He says to Jabba, “My deflector shields are malfunctioning, can you put me up for the night?” Then Jabba says, “Well, there’s a Jedi Knight convention in town, but.. I guess you could stay in my Nebulan stabilizer with my daughter!”
[ stops ] I don’t know.. you know, I think this might be a little too.. “inside”, you know..?
Noooo, Carrie.. trust your instincts.
Carrie Fisher: Well.. you know, Obi.. I don’t know, we like the joke, but some of the references are a little obscure for this galaxy. I mean, this is a New York audience, they’re really sophisticated and everything-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Trust.. your feelings, Carrie. Let yourself go. It’s a funny joke.
Carrie Fisher: Okay. You’re the force. [ continues the joke ]
So.. the Bantha agrees. But Jabba says, “I’ve gotta meet with some Sand People later.. can I trust you with my daughter alone?”
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing with great amusement, distracting Carrie ]
Carrie Fisher: Oh, look.. I don’t know.. but it seems to me, that this is the kind of joke that you would probably have to have been on a lot of space travel to-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: Just.. get to the part about those-
Carrie Fisher: Okay.. alright, okay.. [ continues ]
Okay.. so the Bantha says, “Sure! You can trust me!” And Jabba leaves. Of course, right away the daughter invites him into the Millenium Falcon for some gwarnng cola and some wookies-
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ once again bursts out laughing, further distracting Carrie ] Gwarnng cola.. wookies.. I love this part!
Carrie Fisher: Yeah. Ah.. but he goes along with it – but just then, Jabba comes back.. he drrd the mess and says, “You call this a hologram?!“
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ laughing uproariously ] I’ve heard that joke a thousand times – it’s still the best one in the universe!
Carrie Fisher: Great, Obi..
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ still laughing uproariously ]
Carrie Fisher: I know you never get tired of it, but some people are a little fed up with “Star Wars”!
Voice of Obi-Wan Kinobi: [ unable to control his laughter ]
Carrie Fisher: Of course, I’m not complaining! I’m not complaining! I’m glad I made a little space movie two years ago, because.. if I had done one on the Fifties.. it-it might not have turned out so well, you know..?
[ monologue darkens, and dissolves into “Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer Space” ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Mr. Bill Goes Fishing
(Scene opens on a lake. Mr. Hands takes a fishing line and lets it out. He hooks up the Mr. Bill Show curtain and pulls it up.)
Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s the Mr. Bill Show!
Mr. Bill: (Standing on a small boat) Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy are we gonna have fun today. Because I’m taking off work to go fishing yay! And here’s our skipper Mr. Hands Yay!
Mr. Hands: (Starts molding a blue hat) Hey Mr. Bill! Before we start fishing, we need to put on a fisherman’s hat to protect us from the sun. (Places it on Mr. Bill’s head.)
Mr. Bill: Yay! Thanks! (Mr. Hands puts the hooks on the hat which go right through Mr. Bill’s head.) Oh no the hooks! Noooooooooo! Why Why!
Mr. Hands: And say, before we start reeling them in, how about a nice cold beer? (Shakes up a beer can.)
Mr. Bill: But you know I’m too young to drink. (Mr. Hands opens up the can which sprays Beer all over Mr. Bill’s face.)
Mr. Hands: Now we need some bait.
Mr. Bill: But I don’t have any worms.
Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog!” (Molds Spot into shape.)
Mr. Bill: Yay spot! How are you doing huh? (Mr. Hands hooks Spot) Oh wait! Oh no don’t do that no! Ohhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Places the line on Mr. Bill’s hat) Now lets cast off!
Mr. Bill: No no my hat! (Mr. Hands releases the line pulling Mr. Bill’s hat and hair off!) Nooooooooo! My hair!
Mr. Hands: (Pulling in Sluggo with his line.) Say what a catch! It’s deep sea diver Jacques Sluggeau!
Mr. Bill: Oh no! He’s gonna be mean to me!
Mr. Hands: No he just wants to show you his new harpoon (Sluggo shoots it at Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No wait! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Hands: (Casting his line.) Now I’ll try my luck and maybe I’ll catch a whale. (Aims it at a dolphin.)
Mr. Bill: No I don’t like fishing!
Mr. Hands: Say I think I got a nibble so why don’t you hold while I tell the kids… (Gives the line to Mr. Bill)
Mr. Bill: No I can’t hold it! I can’t–! (Mr. Hands releases the line and Mr. Bill is sent flying in the air right into the dolphins mouth.) Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Mr. Hands: …So long! See you next time when Mr. Bill goes to court. Bye bye!
THE END
Submitted by: Nick Johnson
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Tomorrow
Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
Linda Blair…..Carrie Fisher
[ open on “Tomorrow” logo, pan down to Tom Snyder smoking a cigarette as he hots his show ]
Tom Snyder: Hello, everybody. Welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. You know, I’d like to share a bit of information with everybody out there: we’ll be celebrating the Thanksgiving holiday in the traditional manner, with turkey and all the trimmings. Heck! I used to have a whole set of forks and knives — you know, I had a fork with a double-safety handle on it… sharpener… the whole kit and caboodle for carving a turkey, or a steak, or what-have-you. Well, the other day I was sharpening one of these knives, and I thought to myself, “I started doing the “Tomorrow” show in January 1974… by gosh, we’ve done over 500 of the damn things, we’re still on the air. I don’t have to sit here and sharpen these knives! So I jump into the car, I drove over to Sear’s, plunked down $19.95, and I got myself an electric steak knife!” And I’m gonna to give you a tip: It is GREAT, and, by golly, I’m gonna use mine this Thanksgiving!
My, uh — my guest tonight is a young lady who’ll be familiar with — to anybody who’s seen the motion picture… “Airport 1977”. Miss Linda Blair!
Linda Blair: [ she giggles ] Hi, Tom!
Tom Snyder: Linda, you could say you’re a gal who’s been through the mill at the age of nineteen, you’ve been around the block a few times. Now, you did a picture called “The Exorcist”… Now, here you are: you’re a gal of thirteen, you’re strapped to a bed, you’re using language that’s — to say the least — a bit raw! You spend a year of your life protraying the very embodiment of evil — Satan incarnate, the Anti-Christ — how the HECK did you keep up with your schoolwork?
Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know — I didn’t! And I’m suffering for it now, you know! I mean, there’ a LOT of stuff I don’t know! I can barely read English! [ she laughs ] And I can name, like, only THREE states! And you know, sometimes, when I’m in an airport or something, I pick up a magazine and I see my picture… I realy miss being able to see what they’re — read what they’re saying about me!
Tom Snyder: You say you can’t read? Well ,by golly, that is interesting. You know, I’ve been in broadcasting for YEARS, and I still can’t laugh without frightening children! [ he lets out a huge, scary guffaw ] I see bobby Brown, our stage manager, knows what I’m talking about — bobby knows because he’s got a kid about two years old, he brought him to the studio one day, and Bobby got me laughing about something… I laughed, and I scared the living bejees out of the little guy! He carried on so much, crying and so forth, they finally had to SEDATE him!
[ Tom and Linda laugh hysterically at this anecdote ]
Linda Blair: Well, you know, it’s not only kids, Tom! There are a lot of adults, too!
[ Linda laughs, as Tom stares quizzically at her ]
Tom Snyder: Really? I frighten some adults? Well, by golly, I didn’t know that. [ he collects his thoughts ] Nose candy… blow… Devil’s handful… snow… scag… blight… blue dust… horse smack, or whatever you call it — cocaine is a controlled substance in this country, and, young lady, you were caught with some. WHAT was that about?
Linda Blair: Ohh, Tom! I’m so glad to have this chance to bring this WHOLE thing in the open, you know! I mean, Tom! The stuff in that ball was the WORST excuse for cocaine I’ve EVER seen! I mean, somebody must have STEPPED all over it! You know, it was cut, like, TWENTY times with low-grade milk sugar!
Tom Snyder: Well, DAMMIT!! If I were in your shoes, I’d’ve gone back to the dealer, or the pusher, or the fence — whoever sold it to you! — and I’d’ve said, “Now, dammit! I paid GOOD MONEY for this cocaine! Here I go home and find that it’s an inferior quality, and I want my money back!” And if the guy refused to give me a refund, I would’ve said, “Fine, Sir! I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”
Linda Blair: Well, you see, in this case I-I really couldn’t do that! You see, it was a gift, you know?
Tom Snyder: Fair enough. I’ll buy that. Now, Linda, you’re a gal who hasn’t had a… typical adolescence. At 13, you played the Devil, where you spewed green vomit, wet on the rug… [ Linda giggles ] You played a teenage alcoholic, and for the TV-movie “Born Innocent” you were an inmate in a woman’s reform school where you got POKED with a broom handle. You had a SPOTTY education, at best. You’ve been busted for cobalt and 4H20. My question to you is: What’s NEXT for Linda Blair?
Linda Blair: [ she laughs ] Well, Tom, you know, I’m still real young and, well, I’ve got LOTS to look forward to, you know? Unhappy marriages, household accidents… maybe even a nervous breakdown! You know, I’m really entitled to one! [ she giggles ]
Tom Snyder: Well, thank you, Linda. [ to the camera ] We’ve been talking with actress Linda Blair. I want you to join us next time on “Tomorrow”, when we’ll be speaking with a group of witches from Steeltown. That’s right: White witches from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania! They’re Steelers fans, members of the holders and iron workers union, and White witches!
Linda Blair: [ in a deep, evil voice ] Hey, Tom, you want some blo-o-o-owww?!
Tom Snyder: [ as his face turns white ] Good night, everybody.
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 6
78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray
… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
Father Guido Sarducci … Don Novello
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner
[TEASER:]
Jane Curtin: [seated at WU desk in front ofphoto of former President Gerald Ford posing withsomeone in a life-sized Mickey Mouse costume] BettyFord’s face lift backfires! … This story andmore coming up on Weekend Update.
[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]
Don Pardo V/O: And now, Weekend Update with theWeekend Update news team. Here are anchorpersons BillMurray and Jane Curtin.
Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin.Here now the news. Our top story tonight:
[Photo of bones] Ancient bones found north of Cairothis week were believed to be the skeletal remains ofSt. John the Baptist. Well, excited scientistsreconstructed the skeleton and determined that St.John was a swamp dwelling herbivore [Photo of giantdinosaur skeleton] who weighed nearly six tons andstood seventy feet from the tip of his snout to thespiked tail. The biggest surprise? His brain was nolarger than a walnut.
[Jane holds up a styrofoam container with a Big Mac init — a worm sticks out of the top of the bun] Rumorshave been circulating for months that McDonald’s hasbeen adding ground worms to their hamburger meat inorder to increase the protein content. AlthoughMcDonald’s officially denied the charge, they stillhad trouble explaining why, when you cut a Big Mac inhalf, it crawls in two different directions. … [someapplause]
And, in a related story, operating more than onethousand restaurants in forty-seven states, Sambo’sRestaurants Incorporated is defending its name incourt. An East Providence, Rhode Island city councilsays the name “Sambo” is a stereotype and a racialslur against black people. Reportedly, Sambo’s mayswitch to a kosher menu and change its name to “Bob’sJew Boy.” Bill? …
Bill Murray: The first man to walk on the moon,Neal Armstrong, lost a finger when he jumped from atruck and caught his wedding ring on a barn door athis suburban Cincinnati home. While jumping off thetruck, the former astronaut was quoted as saying: “Onesmall step for man, a giant–AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!” … Jane? Wait.
A freighter filled with twenty-five hundred Vietnameserefugees captured world attention this week when theMalaysian government refused to allow them to land.With disease rampant and poor sanitary conditions andfood supplies exhausted, the ship of sufferingVietnamese had nothing to eat except a small amount offried lice. …
And this just in. The F– The FBI has a new theory onthe Jimmy Hoffa case. Thank you. It’s Colonel Mustardin the drawing room with the candlestick. …[applause]
Jane?
Jane Curtin: [Photo of a smiling man witheyeglasses and a real fat chin holding up a letter]Well, better late than never. Jack Krevello of Boston,Massachusetts, holds a chain letter that was mailed tohim twenty-two years ago that he received yesterdaybecause it had gotten lost behind some post officeequipment. According to the superstitious Jack, theletter said: “Please don’t break this chain or elseyou’ll end up with glasses and a real fat chin.” …[applause]
Bill?
Bill Murray: In Italy, the Italian press ischarging that the official bank of the Vatican, theInstituto per le Opere di Religione, is helpingwealthy Italians evade tax and currency laws and isengaging in large-scale speculation in foreigncurrency. Here, with a comment on that, is the gossipcolumnist for the Vatican newspaper, Father GuidoSarducci.
[Cheers and applause as we pan over to the gentle,mustachioed, cigarette smoking, Italian-accentedFather Guido Sarducci.]
Father Guido Sarducci: [unusually petulant]It’s-a sour grapes. … That’s what it is. It’s just-asour grapes — from the government, from the press.Just – just because currency is goin’ over the bordersand it’s not coming back. That’s the big deal. … AndI think that if the Vatican bank could get somedeposits — have some money comin’ in — they wouldlay off us, you know, and get off our back for alittle while. …
And, you know, if you have been keepin’ up with recenteconomic conditions in the world, you’re probably morethan aware of the dwindling value of the Americandollar. Now, the Vatican bank is offerin’ Americanpeople the opportunity to put your money in our bankand transfer it to the European currency of yourchoice. In fact, if you deposit one thousand dollarsor more before the first of any quarter, we’re gonnasend you, ab-a-so-lutely free of charge, thesebeautiful, beautiful Italian kid gloves. [holds up theplastic-wrapped gloves] … They come in black, beige,brown, or — my favorite — pearl white. [grins] …And if you have two thousand dollars or more, well,you’re really on a lucky streak. You get to have thisbeautiful wall clock. [holds up a cheap yellow wallclock] … It’s-a solid as can be. [taps on clock] Andit’s got-a all of the signs of the zodiac. … [pointsto the signs] From Cap-a-corn all the way toSagitarium. They’re all-a there. …
And, you know, since we would like-a some money prettysoon, if people send before the first of the year, forjust-a two dollars and fifty cents, you get this book[holds up a small, thin book] — a regular twenty-twodollar value, I wrote it myself — it’s called “Guideto the Confessional.” … You know, it’s– everyApril, you people in the United States, you have topay your income tax. And, you know, paying your incometax in this country is kind of like goin’ toconfession to the government. You gotta tell ’em howmuch money you made, where you made it, where youspent it, all that stuff. And, you know, people with alot o’ money, they get-a lawyers, they getaccountants, and those people weasel and maneuvertheir way around the laws and they get-a their clientsoff-a pretty easy. Well, it’s the same in the church…. And, with this book, you’re gonna be able toweasel and maneuver your way around the confessional…. You can screw around your whole life and still getto Heaven! … [huge applause] That’s right. It’s allhere. Eternal happiness, two ninety-five — who canbeat that? … Forever, forever, you know? …
And, I tell you what. If you just don’t wanna jumpinto the pool, you know, send cash in the mail, justsend a letter. Say you want information. Say “Sarduccisent you” and we’ll send you, absolutely free, thislittle key chain. [holds up a key chain with a shrimpattached to it] This little shrimp, you know? … Itkind of represents, like, nostalgia for the old days,you know? T.G.I.F. Anyway, this is-a free. … Free ofcharge, absolutely. Just say “Sarducci sent you.”Remember, my friends, get that great twenty-fivebillion dollar feeling — the Vatican bank! Just writeVatican, Vatican City, “Sarducci sent you” and youget-a the shrimp. Thank you. [applause]
Jane Curtin: This past Thursday was the GreatAmerican Smoke Out, a day that everyone in America wasencouraged to stop smoking cigarettes for atwenty-four hour period. Here to comment further isUpdate health correspondent, Roseanne Roseannadanna.
[Applause as we pan over to Roseanne Roseannadanna, aloud Latino woman who chews gum and has a lot offrizzy hair.]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane!Thanks a lot! A Mr. Richard Feder from Fort Lee, NewJersey writes in and says: “Dear RoseanneRoseannadanna, Last Thursday, I quit smokin’. Now, I’mdepressed, I gained weight, my face broke out, I’mnauseous, I’m constipated, my feet swelled, my gumsare bleedin’, my sinuses are clogged, I got heartburn,I’m cranky and I have gas. … What should I do?” …Mr. Feder, you sound like a real attractiveguy! … You belong in New Jersey! …[applause]
But I know exactly what you’re goin’ through ’causeonce, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, quit smokin’. And toget back in shape, I had to join one of thosefancy-shmancy health clubs. You know, the ones whereit’s real expensive to join but it’s worth it, ’causeyou get to see a lot o’ people that you don’t knownaked! … Like, some people got thosebulgy-bulgy thighs, the ones that get chafed just’cause they’re always scrapin’ against each other. …And there’s other people there that got these funnybelly buttons. Like, some go in and some go out orit’s like a hole or it curls around or it’s like alittle knob on it, like a door. … Some ofthem got a little piece of their sweater still in it!… Some of ’em look like a little star or a shell ora clam. Or some, you don’t what they are! … But,personally, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, don’t like towalk around with no clothes in front of other people!Not that I don’t got a great body. … But why shouldI waste it on a bunch of fat ladies in a healthclub?
Anyway, they got this sauna there which is a littlehot room where you go to sweat like a pig. … So, Igo in there but before I sit down, I put this cleantowel on the bench ’cause there’s a lot of people inthere and you don’t know where they been! …So, listen to this. Who do you think is sitting nextto me but Dr. Joyce Brothers! … That verysmart pixie lady who thinks she knows everything. Butwhat this nude psychologist doesn’t know is that shehad this little teeny tiny ball o’ sweat right here,hangin’ off the tip of her nose! … It was justhangin’ there! It wouldn’t fall off! … Like, if sheturned her head, it didn’t fall off, if she stood up,it didn’t fall off, she scratched, it didn’t fall off,and when she picked a little piece of sweater out ofher belly button, it didn’t fall off! … That littlesweat ball just wouldn’t fall off! … So I yelled ather. I said, “Hey! Doctor! Flick that sweat ball offyour nose! … What are ya tryin’ to do? Make mesick?!” She–
Jane Curtin: Roseanne!
Roseanne Roseannadanna: What? What?
Jane Curtin: [coolly] What do health clubs,sweat and saunas have to do with cigarettes?
Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It justgoes to show ya! It’s always somethin’! If it’s notone thing, it’s another! Either you smoke or you havea sweat ball hangin’ off your nose! … It’s just likethe song we used to sing on Thanksgiving when I was alittle girl. Everybody would come over to my houselookin’ all pretty and cute and everything. My motherwould make a turkey with stuffing and for dessert we’dhave the traditional Banana Roseannadanna cake. …Before we ate, we’d bow our heads. [to Jane, whomerely stares at her in disgust] Bow your head, Jane.Come on, bow your little head. Come on. Jane, bow yourhead. Bow your head now. … [Jane reluctantly bowsher head] We’d bow our heads and we’d all sing.
[singing]
We gather together to ask the Lord’s blessing
Please look down upon the Roseannadanna household
Bring peace to our fathers, good health to ourmothers
And please don’t make me sweat like Dr. JoyceBrothers! …
[Jane’s head pops up, wide-eyed with disgust]
Roseanne Roseannadanna: [cheerily]Amen!
Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night andhave a pleasant tomorrow.
Submitted Anonymously
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
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Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:Cameos:
December 2nd, 1978
Walter Matthau
None
None
Tom Davis
George Coe
Don Novello
Brian Doyle-Murray
Rosie Shuster
Alan Zweibel Programming Ideas
Summary: Fred Silverman (John Belushi) wonders how his poorly-developed programming ideas have failed on NBC’s programming schedule.
Recurring Characters: Fred Silverman.
Transcript
Montage
Walter Matthau’s MonologueSummary: A humble Walter Matthau tells the audience about his week with the cast.
Super Epoxy-Dent
Summary: The dental adhesive strong enough to pull you on a helicopter by your teeth.
Transcript
The Bad News Bees
Summary: Coach Buttermaker (Walter Matthau) gives the bees on his team a pep talk after Alan (John Belushi) buzzes off.
Recurring Characters: Bees.
Transcript
Olympia Cafe
Summary: A Coca-Cola salesman (Walter Matthau) talks dim-witted Nico (Bill Murray) into switching the Olympia cafe over from Pepsi.
Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.
Transcript
Daughter’s Old Bed
Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Laraine Newman reports on the death of a slain gay leader in Chinatown. John Belushi rants about holiday depression.
Nixon’s ComebackSummary: Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd) seeks the help of a conspirator (Walter Matthau) in an attempt to make a political return.
Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon, Pat Nixon, Julie Eisenhower, David Eisenhower.
Woman to Woman
Summary: Connie Carson (Gilda Radner) interviews teen model Vanessa Lake (Laraine Newman).
Recurring Characters: Connie Carson.
Garrett Morris performs “Dalla Sua Pace”
Summary: At Walter Matthau’s insistence, Garrett performs “Dalla Sua Pace” from Don Giovanni.
Government Surplus Store
Summary: The owner of a government surplus store (Walter Matthau) tries to comfort a young customer (Larane Newman) after she returns some unneeded canteens.
Recurring Characters: Vesna Shegula.
Network Battle of the T’s & A’s
Note: Repeat from 10/07/78.
Mr. Bill is Late
Summary: Spot is burnt to a crisp before Mr. Bill is ready to do the show.
Transcript
Goodnights
Transcript
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
The Bad News Bees
Kurt…..Bill Murray
Alan…..John Belushi
Raymond…..Garrett Morris
Artie…..Dan Aykroyd
Coach…..Walter Matthau
[ open on interior, team bunk cabin ]
Kurt: Boy, I’m sure glad you’re pitching tomorrow – it’s gonna be a rough game. Ah, no problem. By the time camp’s over, once again our twam will be champs!
[ the team cheers ]
Kurt: [ whistles ] Hey, Alan – heads up!
Alan: Hey, cut it out, you guys!
Raymond: Hey, hey. What’s that you’re reading, Alan?
Alan: Nothing!
Kurt: Whaddaya mean, nothing?! Hey, Charlie, look at this! A Playbee magazine!
[ everyone oohs and ahhs over the contents of Alan’s dirty magazine ]
Artie: Boy, I’d sure like to get into her honey sac!
Alan: Yeah, me too!
Kurt: Oh, whadda you knew about that, Alan!
Alan: As much as you do!
Kurt: Oh, yeah? I bet you never even did it!
Alan: I.. did.. too..
Kurt: Oh, yeah? Well, then tell me how you did it!
Alan: [ stung ] Okay.. so I never did it..
[ everyone laughs at Alan ]
Artie: I knew he was lying!
Kurt: I bet you never did it!
Artie: [ hesitant ] ..Sure, I did.
Raymond: With who?!
Artie: Laura Finch.
Kurt: Really?
Artie: Yeah! One day a whole swarm of us gang stang her behind the bowling alley.
[ suddenly, the Coach enters the cabin ]
Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?!
Alan: Ah, nothing, Coach.. we’re just talking.
Coach: Come on! Lights out, guys! We’ve got a big game tomorrow, I want you guys to get a lot of sleep, see? Come on!
[ everyone moans and groans ]
Coach: Come on! [ spies magazine ] What is this? [ grabs magazine and leafs through it ] What is this stuff? What are you guys doing with this thing, huh?! Aren’t you a little young to be looking at this?
Kurt: Aren’t you a little bit old!
Coach: Listen, Hansen! When you’re my age, you should stick it to the queen as often as I do! Now, get some sleep!
Team: Goodnight, Coach!
Coach: Goodnight, guys.
[ Coach exits cabin ]
Artie: Boy.. too bad he took that magazine – those pictures were great!
Raymond: You’re not kidding, man..
Alan: Come on, guys! The Coach is right – let’s get some sleep!
[ the team agrees, and quickly got to sleep ]
[ with everyone asleep, the sound of Alan’s cot squeaking can be heard ]
Kurt: Hey, Alan, would you pull your stinger somewhere else!
[ everyone humiliates Alan ]
Alan: Dammit, you guys! Dammit! I was not!
Kurt: You were, too!
Alan: I was not!
[ Coach re-enters, angrier than before ]
Coach: What’s going on in here?! Huh?! What’s all the racket about?! I thought I told you to go to sleep!!
Artie: We were trying to, Coach, but Alan made too much noise because he was.. buzzing off!
Team: Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off! Alan was buzzing off!!
Alan: I swear, I wasn’t!
Kurt: Oh, yeah? Then why is there honey all over your sheets!
Coach: Come on, you guys.. cut it out! Come over here, Alan.. come over here..
[ Coach and Alan sit down ]
Alan: Yeah, Coach?
Coach: Nothing wrong in what you were doing, Alan. It’s perfectly normal for someone your age to bend his barb once in a while. Everyone does it, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. What’s the matter with you, guys? Artie, can you say that you’ve never done it?
Artie: No..
Coach: You, Raymond?
Raymond: Well, uh.. no, Coach..
Coach: How about you, Kurt? Youve polished your bayonet, haven’t you?
Kurt: [ hesitant ] ..Yeah.. once.
Coach: You see? It’s a natural function – everyone does it.
Raymond: Even you, Coach?
Coach: Yes. Twice.
Team: The Coach buzzes off!!
Alan: Shut up!!
Coach: Even females do it.
Artie: [ suddenly interested ] Really?! How?!
Coach: Well.. I’m not sure, exactly, but, uh.. let me tell you a story about a ballplayer I knew, who, uh.. used to buzz off five, six, seven times a day. And his teammates, they made fun of him, they razzed him all the time. And he was ashamed, and it was affecting all aspects of his game. He had trouble throwing, fielding, hitting with power, running to the bases.. And then, one day, he just accepted the fact that he was a chronic buzz off. And once he accepted that fact, he became a great ballplayer, and he went on to hit three home runs in the last game of the 1977 World Series!
[ the team is amazed by the identity of the buzz off ]
Team: Reggie Jackson!!
Coach: Reggie Jackson. That’s right, Alan, you’re in good company.
[ the team quickly apologizes for making fun of Alan earlier ]
Alan: Ah, that’s okay, guys..
Coach: Now, you get back to bed, guys.
Team: Goodnight, Coach!!
Coach: Goodnight!
[ Coach exits the cabin ]
[ suddenly, all the cots in the cabin begin squeaking ]
[ fade ]
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 7
Epoxy-Dent
Niece…..Laraine Newman
Spokesman…..George Coe
[ open on family sitting around during an outdoor picnic, as Yncle Ned tells a joke ]
Uncle Ned: ..The bartender takes one look at this thing, and says, “Where does a 500 lb. gorilla sleep?” [ laughs ] “Anywhere he –“
[ suddenly, Uncle Ned’s false teeth slip out, and bounce across the picnic table ]
Niece: Uncle Ned! That’s disgusting!
Spokesman: Attention denture wearers – no longer do you have to suffer from embarrassing denture slippage. Now there’s Epoxy-Dent, the strongest denture cream permitted by law.
Simply apply Epoxy-Dent like any other denture adhesive, and you’ll never have to worry about denture slippage again.
And to prove it, we’re here in Bolmer, Long Island to ask denture wearer Ned Morris to take the Epoxy-Dent Chopper Test!
[ helicopter flies over, as Uncle Ned chomps on a wood bar attached to the uncarriage of the helicopter ]
[ show Uncle Ned flying through the air, hanging from underneath the helicopter ]