Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Mr. Bill Goes To Court

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, It’s time for the Mr. Bill Show.

(Curtain rises to reveal Mr. Bill)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies! Oh boy, it’s so good to see you again (The doorbell rings) Uh say Mr. Hands. Can you see who’s at the door huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure. Say a messagener brought this summons for you.

Mr. Bill: What does it say huh?

Mr. Hands: (Opens up a scroll and it says “Mr Bill’s Gonna Get It”) Well it says here that you are being sued by Mr. Sluggo because your dog Spot bit him on the leg and has rabies.

Mr. Bill: Oh but Spot wouldn’t bite anybody you know that.

Mr. Hands: Sorry Mr. Bill but it looks like we have to go to court. But don’t worry I’ll be your attorney!

(Mr. Hands takes Mr. Bill off the set and into a courtroom.)

Mr. Bill: Ok kids I guess we have to go to court today and… Oh no!

Mr. Hands: Here ye! Here ye! The honorable Judge Sluggo says he wants the defendant to approach the bench. (Moves Mr. Bill to the left of Sluggo)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But he’s gonna be mean to me Mr. Hands.

Mr. Hands: Now he says the court must come to order! (Pounds a gavel right on Mr. Bill’s hand flattening it.)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now first the defense would like to call to the witness stand Mr. Spot. (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s Dog” (Molds Spot into shape.)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Spot! How are you doing Spot huh? Yay!

(Spot is carrying a ball and chain with him and he’s foaming at the mouth)

Mr. Hands: Now the defense would like to prove that Spot does not have rabies.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (Holding an injection needle) I’ll take a blood test!

Mr. Bill: No no! Don’t do that to him! Don’t Do– Ohhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

(Spot is injected cleanly into the needle)

Mr. Hands: Uh oh, It looks like the jury (all Sluggos) thinks that spot doe shave rabies.

Mr. Bill>: Oh no!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is call your mother to the stand.

Mr. Bill: Yay!

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s mom.” (Molds Mom into shape and puts her on the stand)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Mom! How are you doing mom? Yay!

Mr. Hands: Now Judge Sluggo would like to ask your mother if Mr. Bill has ever been a naughty boy.

Mom: Mr. Bill is the nicest son a mother could ever have.

Mr. Bill: Yay thanks mom! Yay

Mom: Now District Attorney Sluggo would like to cross examine your mother. Alone in the back room.

Mr. Bill: No where are you taking her. He’s going to be mean to her.

(Sluggo starts beating Mom up in the back room.)

Mom: Ooh. Oh. Ow. Oooh. Oh Ow. Oh.

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh mom why why!

(Mom comes back with two black eyes and her arms pulled off.)

Mr. Hands: Hey wait, there’s been a sudden change in testimony!

Mom: Mr. Bill is a spoiled brat and has committed many felonies recently.

Mr. Hands: The DA says no further questions

(Mom goes right through the floor)

Mr. Bill: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Oh no Mr. Bill. The jury has decided to throw the books at you!

(A couple of big books are thrown right at Mr. Bill.)

Mr. Bill: No no no, ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: The only thing we can do now is plead insanity. Ahhh Judge Sluggo says you are insane.

Mr. Bill: Yaay!

Mr. Hands: And that you need shock treatment. (Takes Mr. Bill and puts him in the electric chair and puts the beamer on his head.)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I’m innocent! You know I didn’t do anything Mr. Hands (A bell rings) Wait wait! Maybe that’s the govenor calling.

Mr. Hands: Naw I doubt it. So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says…(Pulls the switch.)

Mr. Bill: …Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (His head lights up like a flashlight!)

THE END

Submitted by: Nick

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers
What If?
Written by: Jim Downey
Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Kevin Temple…..Garrett Morris
Eileen Houton…..Gilda Radner
Hitler…..Michael Palin
Lois Laneoff…..Laraine Newman
Jimmy Olstein…..Al Franken
Klaus Kent/Uberman…..Dan Aykroyd
Jor-El…..John Belushi
Mr. Kent…..Bill Murray

Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Joan Face. Welcome again to “What If?” Each week on the show, we ask a hypothetical question about a specific historical event. Tonight’s question, like all our questions, comes from a Mr. Kevin O’Donnell, age 10, a paperboy from Alton, Illinois. Kevin asks, “What If Superman grew up in Germany, instead of America?” With us to help answer this question is our panel of experts: Brigadier General Kevin Temple, and Eileen Houton, Professor of Modern Histroy at Wellesly College, and owner of one of the largest comic book collections in the United States. Professor Houton, what if Superman grew up in Germany instead of America?

Eileen Houton: Well, Joan, as you know, Superman’s father, Jor-El, sent the infant Superman from Krypton toward the planet Earth, where he landed in Kansas, sometime around 1930. Superman adopted the philospohies of his new parents, the Kents: truth, justice, and the American way. Now, if he had landed in, say, Prussia, he would have adopted entirely different values.

Joan Face: So, what you’re saying is that the young Superman maywell have become a Nazi?

Eileen Houton: Exactly!

Joan Face: Well, of course, we should remember that at the time Superman was reaching manhood, Germany was at war with the United States. General, what would have happened if the Man of Steel had fought for the Third Reich?

Kevin Temple: Wait a minute, why didn’t Superman fight for us?

Joan Face: This is a hypothetical question, General.

Kevin Temple: Oh.. oh, yes.. I’m sorry.. Um..

Joan Face: Well, here’s tonight’s dramatization of: What if Superman had grown up in Germany instead of America?

[ dissolve into presentation ]

[ SUPER: Berlin, 1943 – The Chancellory Headquarters of the Third Reich ]

[ open on Hitler giving a speech ]

Hitler: The Russians are swine! Just one step above the Poles! Two steps above the Gypsies! Four steps above the Homosexuals! Five steps above the Negros! Nine steps above the Dwarves! Fifteen steps above the Gypsy Homosexuals! Twenty-seven steps above the Negro Gypsy Homosexual Dwarves! And forty-three steps above the Jews! Did I mention the Homosexual Jews? [ is assured he has ] Right! The meeting is over!

Generals: Heil, Hitler!

[ the Generals rise from their chairs and exit the Chancellory Headquarters.. except for one General who pauses to leave a ticking briefcase on the counter ]

Hitler: [ presses intercom ] Frau Guston, who is waiting to see me?

Voice on Intercom: Colonel Klink, and those three reporters fromthe Daily Planet.

Hitler: Send in the reporters!

[ the reporters are shown in ]

Reporters: Heil, Hitler!

Hitler: Well, I wish to praise your propaganda work in the newspaper! [ points to Lois ] Your must be..?

Lois Laneoff: Lois Laneoff, Mein Fuhrer. Und this is Jimmy Olstein.

Hitler: Olstein?!

Jimmy Olstein: E-Y-N, Mein Fuhrer! Dutch ancestors on myfather’s side!

Lois Laneoff: Und this is Klaus Kent.

Hitler: Klaus Kent! Aren’t you the man who beat Jesse Owens in ’36?

Klaus Kent: Ya.

Lois Laneoff: You, Klaus? You’re such a clumsy bumbler.

Klaus Kent: Yes, Lois. But I was younger then.. now, I’m just amild-mannered clerk for the Ministry of Propaganda. [ Klaus turns andnotices the ticking briefcase sitting on the counter – he uses his X-ray vision to discover a bomb inside ] Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer? Is that a janitor’s closet?

Hitler: Ya.

Klaus Kent: Excuse me for a moment. [ Klaus ducks inot to janitor’s closet, where he removes a piece of kryptonite and summons Jor-El ]

Jor-El: [ appearing ] My Son. My Son. I am your father, Jor-El. Your mother and I have sent you to Earth the only survivor of Krypton. As you hear this, I will have been dead many centuries, but I will reborn as Charlie Rich. On the planet Earth you have special powers and knowledge, which will separate you from mankind. Use these powers only for good, and above all you must never tamper with the destiny of man. And don’t eat junk food. [ disappears ]

[ Klaus uses the kryptonite to summon his Earth father, Mr. Kent ]

Mr. Kent: My Son. When your Vearth mother und I found you in the Black Forest, we raised you as our own. We taught you how to battle at Versailles. How Jews are parasites. And how Germany vill one day bring order to the vorld. Und don’t, Son, ever lift those Volkswagens by the bumper – come right off in your hand. [ disappears ]

Klaus Kent: Ya! He’s right! I will use my powers for the fatherland. For I am.. [ strips off his Earth clothes to reveal his supercostume ] ..Uberman!

[ “Superman Theme” plays, as Uber-Man crashes through the janitor’s closet ]

Hitler: Wha..?

Uberman: Excuse me, Mein Fuhrer! Stand back! There’s a bomb inthis briefcase! [ thorws bomb to the floor, then dives on top of it. The bomb explodes, smoke rises, and Uberman stands up unharmed. ]

Hitler: You smothered the bomb with your body, and you’re not even bleeding! Who are you?

Uberman: I am.. Uberman! I have superhuman powers, and Ifight for untruth, injustice, and the Nazi way! And I have X-ray vision!

Lois Laneoff: X-ray vision? Can you see through my clothes?

Uberman: Ya! And through his, too. [ points at Jimmy Olstein ] He’s a Jew!

Jimmy Olstein: No! No, it’s not true! My parents were just very advanced in hygeine, that’s all..!

Hitler: Silence! Guard, take this Jew away!

Uberman: No need! I’ll drop him off at the camp on my vay to the Eastern front!

[ Uberman grabs Jimmy Olstein and flies out the window ]

Hitler: What an amazing stroke of luck. We might win this whole war!

[ cut to footage of troops marching – newspaper headline reads: “Uberman Takes Stalingrad in 5 Minutes”; second headline reads: “Uberman Rounds Up 2 Million Jews”; third headline reads: “Uberman Kills Every Person in England, U.S. Next” ]

[ dissolve back to the “What If?” studio ]

Joan Face: Well, that looked pretty grim. I guess we would havelost the war.

Kevin Temple: Not necessarliy, Joan. As you know, Joan.. Superman, or Uberman, is vulnerable to one thing: kryptonite. The U.S. would have put all its energy into creating a kryptonite bomb in time to stop Uberman.

Eileen Houton: And after the war, with the entire British isles wiped out, it may well have become the Jewish homeland, and Israel would be in England today.

Joan Face: Ah. Well, thank you very much, General Temple, Professor Houton. Join us next week when we pose the question: “What if all women had snouzer faces?”

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Is There A Super Bowl In Heaven?” ]

[ fade ]

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameoss:

Bit Players:


February 10th, 1979

Cicely Tyson

Talking Heads

None

None

Al Franken

Paul Shaffer

Andy Murphy
Belushi’s Sketch CutSummary: “Emergency”, starring Megan Marshack, is pre-empted in favor of tonight’s episode of “Saturday Night Live”, though things may be in for a rough start because John Belushi’s Deng sketch is cut after it’s learned that the Vice-Premiere already returned to China.

Transcript

Montage

Cicely Tyson’s MonologueSummary: Garrett Morris steps onto the stage in drag to deliver the monologue, convinced that he was assigned the role of Cicely Tyson. A shocked Cicely appears to express her dismay at Garrett’s lack of dignity on SNL.

Bio: Known for her loyalty in performing only strong, positive images of black women, Cicely Tyson (1933-) found her greatest success in the television films “The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman” in 1974 (in which she won an Emmy for portraying a 110-year-old slave who looks back on her life), and “Roots” in 1977.

Transcript

Elvis Presley’s CoatSummary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances.

Note: Repeat from 78d.

The WidettesSummary: The Widette Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner) meet Earl (Garrett Morri) and Wilma Bass (Cicely Tyson), a couple with similar oversized butts.

Recurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.

The Shah’s Final DaysSummary: Sherri Norwalk (Laraine Newman), working as an embassy receptionist in Iran, makes the Shah’s (Bill Murray) visitors wait to see him.

Recurring Characters: Sherry, Jason, Granny, Mohammed Reza Pahlevi.

Talking Heads perform “Take Me To The River”Bio: The Talking Heads are guitarist/vocalist David Byrne, drummer Chris Frantz, bassist Tina Weymouth, and keyboardist Jerry Harrison. Byrne, Frantz and Weymouth met at the Rhode Island School of Design in the early 1970’s, before moving to New York to make music.

Frontier MidwifeSummary: The Frontier Midwife (Cicely Tyson) faces the task of delivering a baby in a cabin full of men.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Jane Curtin delivers an inappropriate eulogy for Sid Vicious. Via “Strictly Speaking”, Dan Aykroyd comments on an unfair U.S.-China trade agreement.

Nick “Rails”Summary: Nick the Lounge Singer (Bill Murray) entertains passengers on an Auto Train headed to Orlando.

Recurring Characters: Nick the Lounge Singer.

Transcript

Black PerspectiveSummary: Garrett Morris is appalled when his guest, Cicely Tyson, blames black men for the poor image received by black women.

Transcript

World At WarSummary: Members of the Walker Brigade perform battle during World War II.

Recurring Characters: Richard Burton.

Transcript

X-PoliceSummary: The X-Police (Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray) harrass a pair of women (Jane Curtain, Laraine Newman) they mistake for lesbians.

Recurring Characters: The X-Police.

Cicely Sings SicilySummary: Cicely Tyson sings a series of Italian songs.

LitellavisionSummary: Emily Litella hosts an arts presentation in which Garrett Morris and Cicely Tyson star in a performance of “Porky & Bess.”

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Talking Heads performs “Artists Only”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Belushi’s Sketch Cut

…..Jane Curtin
…..Gilda Radner
…..John Belushi

[FADE IN on a slide showing a black-and white photo of a grinning thirtyish woman with thick blonde hair and oversized glasses. Next to her is the caption, “Emergency starring Megan Marshack.” The director can faintly be heard counting down the final seconds.]

Don Pardo: “Emergency” starring Megan Marshack will not be seen tonight so that we may bring you this special presentation.

[FADE to black over laughter and applause, then FADE IN on Gilda Radner walking out of 8H into the cast locker room. She walks over to the bench and sits down next to Jane Curtin.]

Jane Curtin: How was the meeting?

Gilda Radner: I don’t know, Jane, I think there’s gonna be trouble. Lorne just cut John’s big piece, the one where he plays Vice-Premier Deng? I mean, John’s been working on that for a real long time, it’s important to him.

Jane: Well, why was it cut?

Gilda: Well, it seems like the writers just found out that, uh, Deng went back to China. You know, they’re all so busy they didn’t get a chance to watch the news or anything and, uh… now Deng isn’t even here anymore.

Jane: Well, he left five days ago.

Gilda: I know, and they just found out.

Jane: Well, I just saw John in makeup, and he didn’t really seem that upset to me.

Gilda: I know, he looks okay, but I can see that look in his eyes–I’m just afraid he’s gonna start… throwing things again.

[While Gilda is talking, whistling can be heard off camera, and suddenly John ambles in, wearing a long black suit, his hair combed straight back, and his eyebrows looking oddly short. He takes a drag off a cigarette as Gilda exits fast. Jane nervously stands up and steps to her locker while John exhales smoke and coolly regards her.]

John Belushi: Hey, what’s the–

[Jane jerks her head at him.]

John: What’s the matter with Gilda?

Jane: Oh, nothing, she was just afraid you might hit her or something.

John: [scoffs] Well, why would I HIT her?

Jane: Oh, she thought you might be mad because the Deng piece was cut.

John: [with his cigarette in his mouth] The Deng piece? Nahhhh…

[John reaches up above the top of his locker, pulls the entire locker out of the wall, then replaces it and opens the door.]

John: [grunting] That doesn’t matter. That doesn’t matter, it’s no big deal, you know? The guy left town. [shrugs off jacket] Those things happen, y’know?

Jane: You know, maybe it’s just as well, because your Deng imitation is a lot like your Samurai only without the sword. [snickers]

John: [chuckles dryly] What are you saying? [sets jacket in locker] You’re saying that my Samurai, uh, imitation is like my Deng imitation? [closes door] They’re totally DIFFERENT. TOTALLY different. Japanese is an atonal language, it’s different. He comes out, uh–the walks are different. I’ve been working on Deng’s walk for three days now, I mean, I know how he walks. The Japanese walk, it’s a smaller walk, it’s like…

[He takes mincing little steps and speaks Samurai gibberish.]

John: You know? Uh, uh, Chinese, it’s, it’s more musical, it’s…

[He does gibberish in a nasal tone with longer, drawn-out sounds.]

John: And he takes big steps, you know, big steps. [takes longer steps] They’re TOTALLY different. It’s altogether different…

Jane: You don’t have to get upset about it, John–

John: I’m NOT angry, Jane. Nope. [adjusts collar suavely] I have nothing to be angry about. [pauses] Life is good. I’m in a hit movie… I’ve got a number one album on the charts… and I’m on the best show on, on television. SO WHAT if a part is cut now and then? That’s nothing to be upset about, really.

Jane: John, that’s quite a change for you!

John: Well… I just realized… [turns to side] Nothing is worth losing your head about, y’know? Not one thing is that important, because I’ve got a lotta eggs in the basket. If this show should end… I’d have other stuff to do… not like YOU. [laughter] What would you do, you’d go back to Boston in some improv group, you know–“Ah, give me a suggestion of a location, an occupation, an emotion”–hey, that’s great entertainment, Jane. You see… you’ve got no choice. I could have stayed in Hollywood, done another movie. I could’ve done a LOT of things! [calmly] But no. [laughter] I came back because I wanted to. And that’s the difference between us, Jane. I’m here not because I have to be… because I want to be. It’s the new me. Better get used to it.

Jane: John, that’s great. A whole new John Belushi, thanks to a little success and a lot of heroin.

[As Jane turns to leave, John wheels around and punches her locker door, where her face had been a second earlier. He slams the door shut and sprawls clumsily against it for a moment, then turns back to the camera.]

John: Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

[John tilts his head wryly at the lens. FADE to opening montage.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Black Perspective

…..Garrett Morris
…..Cicely Tyson

[FADE IN on the “BLACK PERSPECTIVE” logo as African drum music from “Roots” plays in the background. FADE to Garrett Morris in the host’s chair.]

Garrett: Good evening. Welcome to “Black Perspective.” I’m your host, Garrett Morris. Tonight we’re going to be discussing role models… with our guest, Cicely Tyson, who, as a DOUBLE Emmy Award-winning actress, is herself a most positive role model for young blacks. Good evening, Cicely.

Cicely: Good evening, Garrett. Thank you. [smiles] It is true that I try through my work, I mean, through the parts that I choose, to show that, uh, the black women has [sic] been a strong, positive figure throughout American history, yes.

Garrett: Well, certainly your portrayals of, uh, Jane Pittman, and Harriet Tubman, running the Underground Railroad–and right on to THAT–uh, have demonstrated the courage, the determination of the black woman throughout our history. But, now, Hollywood wasn’t always that kind to the black woman, was it?

Cicely: [laughing] Oh, no.

Garrett: Tell me.

Cicely: It certainly was not, Garrett.

Garrett: Uh-huh.

Cicely: Uh, until just a few years ago, the only parts available to black actresses have been those of maids. You very well know that.

Garrett: Uh-huh. Cicely: For a while, I… [snickers] I mean, I grew up believing that white people didn’t know how to pick up after themselves. [laughter] Of course, now I know SEVERAL self-sufficient whites.

Garrett: [laughs] Cicely, Cicely, uh, um, I know a few too.

Cicely: [giggling] I’m sure you do!

Garrett: Yeah. Uh… Cicely, now, now, look. You tell us: why do you think that Hollywood, until recently, refused to offer positive role models to the black woman? I mean… why?

Cicely: Well… I think… Garrett, I think until recently, this was a man’s society.

Garrett: Mm-hm.

Cicely: And, um, an ethnic group or race was really judged by its men.

Garrett: Mm. Cicely: So what I think happened was that… the black woman… has just gotten a raw deal because black man has always been such a loser.

[HOLD on a closeup of Garrett glaring icily at her.]

Garrett: Say WHAT?

[laughter]

Cicely: I mean, you are all so shiftless, and lazy–I mean, just TOO shiftless and TOO lazy to get anywhere!

Garrett: Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait-wait a minute, uh, Cicely, I’m not sure I understand what you’re sayin’, now. Could you…

Cicely: It’s not complicated at ALL, Garrett. It is very simple.

Garrett: Well, break it down for me, will you? Cicely: I mean, it’s very simple. Black men just RUINED it for black women. I mean, you were always busy gettin’ high, pimpin’, tryin’ to prove your manhood by fightin’, and stealin’, and wheelin’, and dealin’, instead of studying like the Jewish men!

[laughter]

Garrett: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh… uhhhhhhhhh…

Cicely: I mean, do you think that Barbra Streisand has any difficulty getting parts?

Garrett: Well, now, listen, bitch. Uh…

Cicely: [enraged] GARRETT!! [starts to rise from chair] I mean, that’s what WRONG with you black men!!

Garrett: [holds up hands] Joke! Joke!

Cicely: I don’t talk that way!

Garrett: Cicely, you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen in my life!

Cicely: Oh, man, don’t give me that!!

Garrett: The avenues for the white man…

Cicely: I don’t need you to tell me about my eyes!

Garrett: …have been traditionally closed to black men, now, you know that!

Cicely: Hey, listen! You all fall back on that old story all the time! It’s old, it’s cliched–forget it! The black man just never got himself together–and that’s all there is to it! I mean, look what you all did to Detroit! That USED to be a NICE town!

[laughter and applause]

Garrett: Well, now, come to think of it, my daddy WAS a little shiftless, you know.

Cicely: Uh-HUH.

Garrett: Well, I wish I could continue with this, but we’re out of TIME. Uh, tune in next week… [Cicely begins to stand up and gets into his shot] …when we talk to former Senator Edward Brooks about his perjured testimony in his divorce proceedings, AND now stay tuned to “The World at War,” starring Richard Burton. [points finger at Cicely] Now, you know I never…

Cicely: We’re really out of time!

Garrett: Cicely, will you let me say something?

[As they continue arguing, ZOOM in on the “Black Perspective” logo on the wall above them. “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” by the Temptations is heard playing. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Goodnights

…..Cicely Tyson

[ Cicely Tyson stands along, clapping, as Garrett Morris steps up to hug her and the rest of the cast appears ]

Cicely Tyson: It’s been a wonderful, wonderful week for me! I’ve had an absolute ball! Good night!

[ the credits roll ]

Announcer: Next Saturday night, our host will be Rick Nelson, with musical guest Judy Collins. This is your old valentine, Don Pardo, saying “Good night.”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Cicely Tyson’s Monologue

…..Cicely Tyson
…..Garrett Morris

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Cicely Tyson!!

[FADE to the stage door as it opens to reveal Garrett Morris wearing an all-white dress with a sequinned shawl over his head and a brown purse slung over his left shoulder. He almost trips on his high heels while dismounting the steps, but manages a careful walk to home base as the audience cheers in approval and the band plays behind him. He grins broadly as the theme dies away.]

Garrett as Cicely: [mimicking a woman’s voice] Thank you! [laughter and applause] Now… thank you! Thank you! You know, as an award-winning black actress, I get to hear a lot of hilarious anecdotes, you know. So when the “Saturday Night Live,” uh, staff called me to do the show, naturally, I said to myself, I said, “Cicely…” [laughter] I said… I said, “What a…”

[Crowd roars with approval as Cicely Tyson walks up from the front row to join Garrett onstage. They stand side by side as the audience cheers for a long moment.]

Cicely: EXCUSE me, Garrett, but would you MIND telling me WHAT you are doing?

Garrett: Hey, I, I don’t believe it. Uhhh… you’re really here.

Cicely: Of COURSE I’m here! I’ve been in my dressing room… I mean, waiting for somebody to come and get me… what’re you DOING here? I mean, WHAT are you DOING here?!

Garrett: Well, you know, when I heard about–

Cicely: I mean, this is my spot!!

Garrett: When I heard them talk about, you know, Cicely TYSON, you know, on the show, I didn’t think they’d actually GET you! [laughter] I just assumed it was a part for ME, you know. [laughter] I do, I do a good Cicely Tyson, honey.

Cicely: Garrett, would you tell me WHY you have my clothes on? What’re you doing with my clothes on?!

Garrett: Look, look, let me explain something, now. I was hired by this show, Cicely, under the terms of the Token Minority Window-Dressing Act of 1978! [laughter] NOW: my contract–dig this contract, will you… [takes a folded sheaf of paper from his purse] …CLEARLY states, my contract clearly– [rummages through papers] –wait a minute, oh, right here–CLEARLY states that, “in addition to services described above”–see right there?–“Performer agrees that he will play all parts darker than Tony Orlando.” [laughter and applause] Now, the way I read it, that mean ALL parts!

Cicely: Ah, so you are playing a lot of women roles, is that it?

Garrett: Yeah, I’ve done Tina Turner, I’ve done Leon Spinks’ mother, I’ve done a lot of maids, honey, and oh! Do you remember the Coretta King MUD wrestling, uh, piece?

Cicely: No, no, no, I do not.

Garrett: No, no, that was ME! That was me, sister!

Cicely: Garrett, what is happening to you?

Garrett: Huh?

Cicely: I mean, look at what you’re doing! When we worked together at the Black Resentment Drama Workshop in the 1960’s, I expected something really very big from you! I mean, the RANGE you showed, your talent, your voice… Remember when Lee Strasberg stopped by to watch us do the improvs? I mean, you were the ONLY one that he remembered! God knows, I hope he’s not watching the show tonight! I mean, w-where’s your integrity? What HAPPENED to it?!

Garrett: [barely audibble] Well, uh…

Cicely: I mean, you have TALENT, and you are just throwing it away! Don’t you know you have a responsibility as a black actor to perfect your craft? And you are here on this stage, in front of all these people on television, acting like a clown. What’re you DOING it for?! [pauses] Money?!

Garrett: Well, it doesn’t look bad on my rèsumè, y’know. [laughter] AND I get to keep the dresses! [cackles]

Cicely: [pats his shoulder] Listen, listen dear, we’re gonna talk about this later. [to camera] We’ll be right back!

[Crowd roars and applauds as Cicely turns on a brilliant smile and hooks her arms around Garrett’s waist. FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 11

78k: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

Nick Rails

Nick…..Bill Murray
Pianist…..Paul Shaffer
Captain Doctor Rice Lake…..Dan Aykroyd
Leslie Newcombe…..Cicely Tyson
Man with Leslie…..Andy Murphy
Jamarro the Bartender…..Garrett Morris
Elaine Sulfrey…..Laraine Newman
Bill Sulfrey…..John Belushi

[FADE IN on a closeup of Nick singing into his microphone over piano accompaniment.]

Nick:
“Freeeeeeeak OUT!!!
Le freak, so chic,
Freak OUT!!!
Le freak, so chic,
Freak oouu-oouu-oouu-oouu-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUT!!!!!!!”

[PAN back to show the bar car on a passenger train. Nick is wearing a white leisure suit over a blue tropical shirt. The customers clap obligingly as a couple emerge from the next car, stop behind Nick, and wait for him to move out of their way.]

Nick: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to the auto train lounge! I’m your h– [notices couple waiting behind him] Excuse me. I’m your host, Nick Rails, and I’ll be the entertainment, like it or lump it, all the way to Orlando.

[piano flourish]

Nick:
“People all over the wor-r-rrrrrrld,
Get your caaaaarrrrrrr,
Drive it onto the auto traiiiinnnn…
The next stop that we maaaaaaaaaaaaake
Will be Florida-a-aaaa…”

[Nick turns around and jerks a thumb over his shoulder at a map of Florida sewn onto the back of his jacket.]

Nick: How many people your first trip to the Sunshine State, huh? [several passengers raise hands] How many people, first trip to Florida on the auto train? [most passengers raise hands] You know, when we get down there, you really have to watch the unloading of the cars, because the auto train staff is the best, it’s really something to see. Let me see who’s here enjoying the ride on the auto train–uh-oh–a serviceman! [stops at table] Ten-HUT! [salutes and laughs] Nick Rails, reporting as ordered! Give me your name, rank, and serial number, will ya? [sticks mike in his face]

Serviceman: [tightly] I’m Captain Doctor Rice Lake, United States Army Medical Corps, I’m on route to the Combined Services Trauma Center in Key West, Florida.

[laughter]

Nick: And, uh, what kind of car do you have, Captain Doctor?

Captain Lake: Uh, I got a ‘68 ‘Vette, with a blown 427, and a Hearst competition shifter on the floor, and a fuzz-buster on the dash. I made it from Utica to Washington in two hours and twenty minutes.

Nick: Hoo-hoo. That must some kinda record, I think. What do you do in the service?

Captain Lake: Uh, I’m an Army urologist.

Nick: You know, I would like to talk with you later, if I could, I’d appreciate it. [to piano player] Well, we got an Army doctor on, is there something we can do, uh… yeah, here’s something for all you Army medics.

[The pianist starts the chorus to “Suicide Is Painless.”]

Nick:
“G.I’s who’ve been drafted,
Viet vets who’ve been shafted…”

[Captain Doctor Lake claps hard, hands in driving gloves.] Nick: “They all know the wooooooorrrrrrrrds to the THEME from “M*A*S*H”!!!”

Nick: [over applause] Thank you.

[He steps across the car to another table at which an older white man and a a black woman are sitting.]

Nick: Say, uh, here’s an odd couple. What’s your name?

[He sticks the microphone in the woman’s face, but she stares at the floor and doesn’t make a sound.]

Nick: [nonplussed] Excuse me, I’m sorry, I don’t think everybody heard you. What’s your name?

Woman: [haltingly] Leslie Newcombe.

Nick: Leslie, and what kind of car did you bring on? Leslie: It ain’t none of my car, it’s his car.

Nick: [to man] What kind is it?

Man with Leslie: ‘78 white and green four-door Plymouth Fury!

Nick: Uh-huh. [to Leslie] Are you from Florida?

Leslie: [shakes head] I’m from Illinois. [pauses] But I was down there, a couple weeks ago… had a real good time, you know, so, uh… they want me back, and I think… maybe this time I’ll probably stay about eight or ten years.

[The man next to her reaches across the table for his drink, and his hand can clearly be seen handcuffed to Leslie’s.]

Nick: Ouch. Well, this one’s for you, then, huh?

[Piano player starts “Folsom Prison Blues.”]

Nick:
“I see a train a-comin’,
Comin’ round the beeeeeennd,
I ain’t seen no sunshine
Since I don’t know when,
Well, I’m stuck in…”

[He sticks the mike in Leslie’s face.]

Leslie: Gainesville.

Nick:
“Gainesville Prisonnnn,
And time keeps draaaaggin’ ooo-ooonn,
But that train keeps a-rollinnn’
On down to Orrrrr-land-oooooooo.”

[He turns around and once again jerks his thumb at the map on his back.]

Nick: [laughs over applause] Thank you. Hey – free drink for this lady on Nick Rails, please, would ya? [turns to bartender] Make it one of your orange blossoms, would ya? It’s a special drink invented by our bartender, Jamarro–could we have a hand for him? Jamarro?

[passengers clap]

Nick: You know… J, the first place I go down in… Orlando is Disney World, because… it’s always new, it’s always exciting–it’s always alive. What do you do? [turns mike to him]

Jamarro: [twisting open a small liquor bottle] I like to get a shoe shine, a haircut, take out my jet-ski, and cruise the beaches for young–some young white girls.

[laughter]

Nick: [walking away] You know, I never know whether he’s kidding or not! [giggles] Hey, here’s a nice couple! Who are you folks?

[He bends down at another table and puts the mike into the woman’s face.]

Woman: [in a nasal voice] Uh, the Sulfreys.

Man: [in a heavy New York accent] The Sulfreys, yeah.

Woman: Elaine Sulfrey.

Man: Uh, Bill Sulfrey, from New London, Connecticut.

[laughter]

Nick: And you’re going down to visit relatives.

Elaine: My mother.

Nick: [coyly] I had a feeling…

Elaine: [pulls microphone toward her] She just got a new pacemaker.

Bill: We wanna spend another one of our vacations in Florida, driving her mother around, but… we want our children to do the same for us, so… [shrugs]

Nick: What kind of car do you have?

Elaine: Oh, we have a new Mercedes, and he’s gonna teach me to drive. [pats Bill’s arm]

Bill: It’s a 450 SL, cream-colored.

Elaine: It’s eggshell, for cryin’ out loud.

Bill: Eggshell, eggshell.

Nick: You know, I am fascinated by how many Jews drive German cars. [laughter] I used to have a Volkswagen… I saw “Holocaust”… I walked out to my bug the next morning, and I threw up all over it. [laughter] I had to get rid of it–and I’m not even Jewish. [stands up] But that is one of the great things about the auto train, what happens here. It d–here, listen to this, see if this makes sense to anybody.

[He throws back his head, rolls up his eyes, and then starts back in.]

Nick: After I finish the show, I go back to the first Vista Cruiser, behind the automobile car… and I sit there, and I look down on the cars, eighteen to a flatcar… and it HITS me. No car is treated any better than any other car on the auto train. No car is BETTER than any other car on the auto train. Same goes for all of us. When I get off this train… I might find out that… this guy… that I met… drives a Pacer. And I drive a Monarch. But I don’t CARE. At all. That’s what happens on this train, it does something…

[piano music rises]

Nick:
“Don’t go changinnnn’,
To try to PLEASE meeeee…
You never let Nick Rails down before.
You’ll always have myyyyyyyy…
Unspoken pleasuuuurrrrrrre…
I love you just the wa-ay you aaaaaaaaaaaa-a-a-aaaaaarrrrrrrre,
Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare, ar-ar-ar-ar-aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrre…”

[piano music nears climax]

Nick:
“Whoooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,
Whoa-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAA,
Hoa-o-oooooooooooaaaaa!!!!!”

[applause]

Nick: [bowing] Thank you. We’re gonna be in Orlando in nine hours!

[The Army doctor and several others jump to their feet and dash out of the car.]

Nick: Thanks, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Thank you, so much. The bar’s not closed–I hope you enjoyed yourselves.

[FADE to a wide shot of the studio and PAN back to show the clapping audience and standing crew members. SUPERIMPOSE, “coming up next… Evelyn Wood Speedtaking Course.” FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Sean

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6

78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

The Blues Brothers perform “Soul Man”

Emcee monty…..Garrett Morris
Jake Blues…..John Belushi
Elwood Blues…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on the SNL House Band playing a jazzy intro, as camera pans onto Emcee Monty at the microphone to give his excited introduction ]

Emcee Monty: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It is showtime here, at the fabulous Black Rhino Club! Home of quality entertainment! Home of the rhythm and blues sound of the day! I am Monty, your emcee, and we hope you have enjoyed – or will enjoy – the fine people we have arranged for your lsitening and dancing pleasure! Now! The Club Black Rhino is proud to present, direct from the State Automobile Tour of Illionois and Indiana.. originally from Calumit, Indiana.. Let’s put your hands together.. I said let’s put your hands together! For the blues band of Joliet “Jake” and Elwood Blues.. put them together! The Blu-ues.. Brothers!

[ Emcee Monty steps into the shadows, as Jake & Elwood Blues, the Blues Brothers, enter the stage. Elwood is handcuffed to a briefcase, which Jake proceeds to uncuff him from. Once uncuffed, Elwood opens his case, pulls out a harmonica, then places the empty case aside as Jake performs a cartwheel to the microphones ]

[ House Band kicks in wih a traditional blues favorite, as Jake and Elwood perform a series of dance moves prior to their musical performance ]

Blues Brothers: [ singing ]
Coming to you, on a dusty road
Good loving, I got a truck load
and when you get it, you got something
So don’t worry, ’cause I’m coming

I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man

Got what I got, the hard way
and I’ll make better, each and every day
So honey, don’t you fret
’cause you ain’t seen nothing yet

I’m a soul man, ow!
I’m a soul man, play it Steve!
I’m a soul man, ow!
I’m a soul man, huh! Listen!

I was brought up, on a side street
Learned how to love, before I could eat
I was educated, from good stock
When I start loving I just can’t stop

I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man, huh!

Well grab the rope, and I’ll pull you in
Give you hope, and be your only boyfriend
ya (ya) ya (ya) help!

I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man
You’re a soul man, huh!
I’m a soul man, I’m a soul man
I’m a soul man, huh huh!

[ audience applauds wildly ]

Emcee Monty: Live, from New York, it’s SATURDAY NIIIIGHT!!!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6

78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

Marseilles, 1978

Eddie the Sailor…..John Belushi
Candy the Barfly…..Laraine Newman
Second Barfly…..Gilda Radner
Bartender…..Dan Aykroyd
Third Barfly…..Jane Curtin
Jim…..Bill Murray
Brandy the Barfly…..Carrie Fisher
Marine…..Garrett Morris

[ open on music: “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by The Looking Glass, over exterior of a western port, with SUPER: “Marseilles, 1978” ]

[ dissolve to interior, port bar, Eddie the Sailor telling his barfly dates an exciting sailing story ]

Eddie the Sailor: So I’m walking down the deck.. I’m just waking up! It’s three in the morning! I got a.. I got a cup of coffee in one hand.. I look up! And what do I see?! An iceberg! So I drops the coffee!

Candy the Barfly: Hey, Eddie..?

Eddie the Sailor: Awww.. you sure drink fast, don’t you?

Candy the Barfly: You.. you buy me another drink, Eddie?

Eddie the Sailor: Sure, sure, sure..

Second Barfly: Uh.. you buy one for me, too, Eddie?

Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah, sure, sure.. So! So I dropped the coffee! And I leaped for the rail!

Bartender: That will be.. 100 francs – or 35 American dollars.

Eddie the Sailor: Here! Help yourself! [ pays his tab ]

Bartender: Merci.

Eddie the Sailor: I’m holdin’ on to the rail! Just waitin’ for us to hit!

Third Barfly: Eddie? Can I have some money for the jukebox?

Eddie the Sailor: Yeah, yeah.. sure.. here, here.. So, I’m waitin’! And I’m waitin’.. and, finally.. I open my eyes.. and what do you think I see?! Huh?! The pier! I forgot! We were still in port! I was thinknig we were at sea!

[ cut to Jim, a Marine, entering the bar, as Candy quickly swarms toward him ]

Candy the Barfly: My nane is Candy. What is your name?

Jim: Jim.

Candy the Barfly: Oh, Jimm.. Do you want to buy me a drink?

Jim: Why?

Candy the Barfly: Because, uh.. I like you.. because I’m so thirsty.

Jim: Give me a beer. Give this thirsty person a glass of water.

Bartender: Candy only drinks.. champagne.

Candy the Barfly: That’s true, Jim. I always drink champagne. I looove champagne.

Jim: Well, forget it. I wasn’t born yesterday, honey. [ drops a dollar on the bar counter ] Just give me a beer.

Candy the Barfly: Ugh! [ walks away in disgust ]

[ Jim takes his beer and sits alone at a table. Soon, Brandy the Barly steps up to him ]

Brandy the Barfly: Do you mind if I sit down?

Jim: Sit down if you want – but I won’t be buying any champagne.

Brandy the Barfly: I don’t want champagne, I.. I just want to be able to sit by you. [ sits next to Jim ] Where did you get such.. nice posture.. and those eyyyes.

Jim: [ chuckles ] Come on! Don’t pull that on me! You just want me to buy you champagne. And, when my money’s gone.. you will be, too. I’ve been in these kind of places before?

[ Bartender steps forward ]

Bartender: Okay, what’s going on here? Are you buying Brandy a drink, or not?

Jim: No. The answer’s no!

Bartender: Well, then, she can’t STAY with you! Come on! [ grabs at Brandy ]

Brandy the Barfly: Yes, I can! I can buy my own drink!

Bartender: [ scowls at the thought, steps away ]

Brandy the Barfly: I like him.

Jim: Sounds good, but I hope I didn’t get you in trouble.

Brandy the Barfly: I don’t care. I like you.

Jim: [ scoffs ] Well, I’m sorry if I was rude.. but the last time I was in a place like this, I spent $80. And I didn’t even get drunk!

Brandy the Barfly: Ohhhh.. wqell, you should save your money..

Jim: That’s exactly what I do! I buy savings bonds – through the payroll savings plan.

Brandy the Barfly: Have you considered.. mutual.. funds..?

Jim: No, I.. ha ha! Stop it! I don’t know anything about stuff like that!

Brandy the Barfly: Well, what happens ees – when you invest the mutual fund, they take your money and spread it all around.. so that you own pieces in all different kinds of companies..

Jim: You make it sound so simple.

Brandy the Barfly: Buuut.. it is simple. [ ] All you have to do.. is sign here. And we’ll send a copy to your Commanding Officer.. so that part of your pay will go directly to our offices in Switzerland! You won’t have to go to the bank.. or anything.

Jim: You mean, it’s done, like, by computers?

Brandy the Barfly: [ cocks head back with a smile ] And you said you didn’t know anything about business!

Jim: [ laughs playfully, not sure if he’s being burned or not ]

Brandy the Barfly: Do you think, uh.. do you want to plan to invest a hundred a month, or.. do you think you will be able to afford a hundred and fifty?

Jim: One hundred.. no, one hundred and fifty!

Brandy the Barfly: Ah. Well, just sign there.. and we’re in business! [ Jim signs ] And.. sign there, too.. you see, it’s a.. combination insurance plan that only costs you a couple dollars a month more. So if.. something should happen to you – knock on wood [ knocks on the table ] – your mutual fund wil automatically pay out, and then.. I’ll split the money with whoever you name as Beneficiary.

Jim: Can I put my mother as the Beneficiary?

Brandy the Barfly: Suuuure!

Jim: Thank you..! Thank you..!

[ as Jim continues to sign all the various papers, another Marine steps forward to speak with Brandy ]

Marine: Uhhhhh.. what does it mean.. here in the.. small print.. uh, the.. salesman’s commission on this 20-year plan, to be paid off in the first years’ deposit made during the first year.. Now, does that mean that all the money I put into it in the first year goes to you? And I don’t get anything of this?

Brandy the Barfly: Uh.. just a few more seconds, I’m almost done with this sailor.. huh? [ turns back to Jim ] Ohhhhh.. thank you! I have to go now, I promised him that if he bought a fund from me, I’d take him to my Alps and show him.. my certificate.

Jim: In Switzerland?

Brandy the Barfly: No, no, no – upstairs. It’s kind of a.. branch office.

Jim: Well, I.. kinda thought.. well, you know.. I’m spending $150 a month.. I just thought, well..

Brandy the Barfly: Well, I know, Jimmy.. but don’t worry about anything, it’s an excellent plan. ??

[ Brandy walks away from Jim, as the Bartender gets the room’s attention ]

Bartender: Hey! Everybody! Let’s hear it for Bran-dy! She broek a re-cord here to-night! She sold 18 glasses of champagne..and 2 mutual funds!

[ everyone applauds Brandy’s efforts ]

[ music closes back on “Brandy (You’re A Fine Girl)” by The Looking Glass ]

SNL Transcripts