Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Christmas Tree Salesman

Tree Lot Manager…..Elliot Gould
Honker…..Bill Murray
Prostitute…..Laraine Newman
Mother…..Gilda Radner
Little Girl…..Jane Curtin

[ open on Christmas tree lot, Tree Lot Manager notices Honker urinating behind one of the trees ]

Tree Lot Manager: Hey Hey, you, get outta there! Get outta there! [ pulls Honker aside ]

Honker: Hey, I wasn’t finished yet, do you mind?

Tree Lot Manager: Just get outta there! I got a respectable business here!

Honker: Yeah, I-I-I suppose this might have happened on the night of that blessed even in Bethlehem! I’m sure Joseph would have said, “You shephards! Go to your outhouse!” or something like that!

Tree Lot Manager: Yeah, well, what’s the matter with you?! Come on, go on, get outta there! [ pushes Honker off the lot ]

Prostitute: [ strolls up, as Honker sneaks behind another tree ] Hi! I want to buy a tree. Uh.. do we get a discount? We live right across the street.

Tree Lot Manager: Hmm.. you’re one of them dames from the Swedish Tiger Den Massage.

Prostitute: Well, I’m not from Zippy’s Instapress, Handsome. Listen.. it’s really freezing out here..

Tree Lot Manager: Well, you oughtta have a pair of mittens on.

Prostitute: Hmm.. I oughtta have a lot of things on.. [ opens her fur coat for a flash ] Listen, uh.. I’ll take that tree, if you’ll carry it across the street for me.

Tree Lot Manager: Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t leave my business..

Prostitute: Well.. how’d you like to go around the world in two minutes?

Tree Lot Manager: [ changes his mond ] Uh.. I’ll tell ya, this tree here goes for $15.. but I mean, two minutes.. what the heck! [ grabs tree and quickly follows the Prostitute across the street ]

[ Mother and Little Girl walk up ]

Mother: Ohhh.. look at these Christmas trees, Jessica! Do you think we can find one Santa will like?

Little Girl: Oh, Momma, I’m cold, and I want to see more toys!

Mother: Oh, that’s just because you didn’t have your nap. Now, let’s buy a Christmas tree and go home.

Little Girl: Well, there’s a man over there! [ notices Honker urinating behind the tree ]

Honker: [ chuckles ] Excuse me, honey.. one of Santa’s Helpers on a five! How’s it going?

Mother: You’d better be good now, Jessica.

Little Girl: He’s not one of Santa’s Helpers! Let’s go, I’m cold, and I want some cocoa..

Mother: Jessica, now..

Honker: Uh-oh.. [ points to the sky ] There goes one of Santa’s birds! Uh-oh.. gee, I hope he didn’t see you being cranky like that!

Little Girl: [ curious ] Santa’s birds?

Honker: Oh, yeah, they report to Santa! [ rambles ] You see them around, you know, you know, they’re with Santa, you know, they’re out here, reporting back on the kids, making sure they’re being good and so forth.

Mother: Uh, excuse me? Could you show us that tall one, please?

Honker: [ looks ] Uh.. yeah, I suppose I could.. This one right here? [ picks up tree ] This is your Norway pine right here, I think.. Of course, you got the long needles on this baby – I guess this is Norway – you got the long needles on this one here..

Mother: Well, what do you think, Jessica?

Little Girl: No, I like the one we have at school!

Honker: Yeah, well, there’s something to that.. You don’t want the long needles right away, and you can poke an eye out, you know, and that can ruin a Christmas. You bet. But this is the one I prefer.. [ grabs another tree ] This is the classic spruce tree, of course.. look at that thing – beautiful – it’s a classic, it’s big, and it’s beautiful. Uh.. it’s safe, and it’s green, that’s what’s most important, that it’s green..

Mother: How much is that one?

Honker: Uh.. well, uh.. I think it’s only like a buck-and-ahalf a foot, or something.. let me see what we got here.. I’m about six feet, even, and that is about seven-and-a-half feet, you know.. so I figure.. a buck-and-a-half times seven, carry the three.. well, you know, it’s Christmas, what the heck, you got a tenspot on ya?

Mother: Oh, certainly! [ hands Honker a ten ]

Honker: Technically, I’m not supposed to accept this, with the boss not here, but it’s snowing so bad, got to and so forth..

Little Girl: He’s a nice man, Mommy! Why don’t you marry him!

Honker: [ laughs ] Boy, that’s a good one! You’re sharp! Because any guy in his right mind would be attracted to an attractive broad like your mom.. but, uh, I think we’d probably have to date for a while, don’t you, Mom?

Mother: Uh.. yes.. listen, you’ve been very, very sweet. I wonder if you could help us and carry it to our car and tie it to the roof?

Honker: Well, I.. uh.. do not have any twine.. uh.. but, tell me, how far away do you live?

Little Girl: Over there! [ points ]

Mother: Oh, ten blocks.

Honker: Uh-huh.. well, uh.. [ thinks ] Okay, I’ll just get up on top of the damn thing and hang on, you know.. uh.. give a shout if you see a pothole or something, because I do have a Christmas dinner myself tonight, over at the Hare Krishna temple, they’re having some of us over.. uh, a regualr thing.. it’s that health crap again, you know, but uh.. When in Rome, you do as the Romans do..

[ follows Mother and Little Girl to their car ]

[ fade out ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Second-Hand First-Aid Kits” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Mommie Dearest

Joan Crawford…..Jane Curtin
Christina Crawford (Colleen Fernman)…..Gilda Radner
Archer Armstrong…..Elliott Gould
Bula…..Yvonne Hudson
Katharine Hepburn…..Laraine Newman
Clark Gable…..Dan Aykroyd
Cary Grant…..Bill Murray

[ open on close-up of a diary entry ]

Christina Crawford V/O: “The holiday season is always a time for rememberance. I’ll never forget Christmas in that movie star mansion in Brentwood. I remember the Christmas tree, dripping with tinsel and glitter. I remember the exquisitely-wrapped presents, piled up to the ceiling. But, most of all… I remember Mommie Dearest.”

[ camera zooms in on a black-and-white portrait of Joan and Christina Crawford, as the title appears over it ]

[ dissolve to flashback scene: Joan Crawford leaning behind Christina at Christmas time, both women dressed alike ]

Joan Crawford: …And then Mommie Dearest came to Hollywood and worked, struggled, and clawed her way to the top, so that she could give you everything she ever had… because Mommie Dearest loves you so very, very much — you miserable little wretch! [ she kisses Christina on the lips, then shoves her violently ] How DARE you mush Mommie’s lipstick?!! [ she hurriedly touches up her lipstick, then sighs contentedly ] Aren’t you lucky yo have been adopted by the most beautiful Mommie in the whole world? Don’t forget: Your Mommie, Joan Crawford, picked you out of all the PATHETIC little rejects whose mother didn’t want them! Now — to show Mommie Dearest how grateful you are to be adopted… give her a BIG servile hug! [ she hugs Christina tightly, then jumps tp her feet ] OH, DAMN!! You creased Mommie’s dress!! [ she smacks Christina, straightens her dress, then sighs contentedly ] Now… darling… before company arrives, it’s time for Charm Drill. Just do everything that Mommie does. Oh! And don’t forget, Christina — if you don’t behave in front of the company, Mommie will cut you out of her will!

[ Christina follows Joan out of the room, as they saunter back in ]

Joan Crawford: Now, when you enter a room, take possesion of it! Remember: You are always in command! When Mommie’s in the room, you’re second in command. [ they stand by the fireplace mantel and pose ] Cast a SPELL over the room, BEWITCH them with your gaze! Show off your dress like so… [ Joan curtsies with her dress, while Christina reveals her panties ] Glide… float… twirl… curtsy… [ Christina trips and falls to the floor ] YOU CLUMSY OAF!! [ she repeatedly smacks Christina before she can get back on her feet, then she sits on the loveseat and composes herself ] Now, come and give Mommie a kiss! [ Christina sits down next to Joan and kisses ehr on the lips until Joan begins to strangle her again ] How DARE you wear lipstick, you ignorant little SLUT?!! Go wash it off this second!! [ she shoves Christina out of the room ]

Bula: [ entering ] Miss Crawford! It’s Archer Armstrong, from The Hollywood Reporter!

Joan Crawford: [ pleased ] Show him in, Bula!

[ Bula exits the room, as Joan stands and readies herself for Armstrong’s entrance ]

Joan Crawford: Darling, welcome to my humble home…!

Archer Armstrong: Miss Crawford, Merry Christmas! it’s so KIND of you to have me here today!

Joan Crawford: Thank you!

Archer Armstrong: [ he notices Christina re-enter ] And there she is! There’s the person I really came to talk with. [ Christina bounces her head all around ] You must be the LUCKIEST little girl in ALL of Hollywood! Aren’t you? [ Christina shakes head from side to side ] Do you want to be a GREAT, big movie star, just like Mommie? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Is that a new dolly? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] What’s her name? [ Christina looks blankly up at the ceiling ] Was Santa good to you this year? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Do you mind if I set your hair on fire? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Well, aren’t you the little shy one!

Joan Crawford: [ smiling wickedly ] It’s too bad you weren’t here ,i>earlier — she was talking up a blue streak! [ she reaches over and shoves Christina ]

Archer Armstrong: Really?

Joan Crawford: [ chuckling ] You just missed her Ethel Merman impression!

Archer Armstrong: And what was your favorite Christmas present?

[ Christina looks blankly up at the ceiling ]

Joan Crawford: I was just about to give her her present now!

Archer Armstrong: Well, that sounds like FUN, doesn’t it, Christina?

[ Joan hands Christina a present, which she opens to reveal an old steak ]

Joan Crawford: Oh, look, Precious! It’s your cold, congealed, bloody steak from last night’s dinner that you GAGGED on! Now, Santa made me promise that I couldn’t give you any presents until you ate your meat! [ she grabs Christina’s face ] Now, don’t GAG on it!

Bula: [ entering ] Miss Crawford, your guests have arrived!

Joan Crawford: Oh, show them in! Oh! And, Bula — why don’t you bring in some of those delicious Christmas cakes and cookies you’ve been baking all afternoon? Oh, and some egg nog for Mr. Armstrong. [ she shoves Christina back on the loveseat ]

Archer Armstrong: Oh, I’d love some!

Bula: Yes! [ she exits ]

[ Katharine Hepburn, Clark Gable and Cary Grant enter ]

Katharine Hepburn: Guess who’s here!

Clark Gable: Merry Christmas!

Joan Crawford: Oh, God, darlings, how terribly sweet of you to drop by! Arthur Armstrong… my dear friend Clark Gable…

Cary Grant: [ shaking his hand ] How do you do?

Archer Armstrong: Clark.

Joan Crawford: Cary Grant…

Clark Gable: [ shaking his hand ] Pleased to meet you, Armstrong!

Joan Crawford: And Katharine Hepburn.

Katharine Hepburn: [ shaking his hand ] How do you do?

Joan Crawford: Christina? Christina, be a lamb and take everyone’s coats.

[ everyone throws their coats all over Christina and leave her standing awkwardly ]

Clark Gable: [ grabbing Joan’s hand ] Oh, darling — you look WONDERFUL! I’ve never seen so much jewelry, jewelry, jewelry!

Joan Crawford: Oh, thank you! [ to Hepburn ] Oh, Kate, you poor thing… you look dreadful! where’s Spencer? Spending Christmas with Mrs. Tracy and his REAL family?

Katharine Hepburn: Well… yes! Yes, in fact, he is. And you’re a real BITCH to mention it!

[ Bula enters with the Christmas cakes ]

Joan Crawford: Now, remember, Christina — don’t tell Auntie Katharine how many different “uncles” we have!

[ Christina attempts to rush out of the room, but Hepburn grabs her ]

Katharine Hepburn: Uh, Christina! Christina! Listen — Christina, darling… entre nous: How many men does your Mommie sleep with? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Three? Four? Five? [ Christina bounces her head all around ] Just paw the floor with your FOOT, dear! [ Christina paws her foot well over a dozen times ] Oh! Well! Yes! You don’t say! No wonder she has no time to PLUCK her eyebrows!

[ Clark Gable steps forward ]

Clark Gable: Merry Christmas, Princess! [ he kisses Christina ]

Joan Crawford: [ stepping forward ] Sorry about, Carroll, Clark. Are you dating anyone yet?

Clark Gable: No, not yet. It takes someone very special to help you forget someone very special.

Joan Crawford: I’m very special!

Clark Gable: Well, frankly, my dear… I could never make love to someone whose shoulders are bigger than mine. [ he hands a present to Christina ] Here, Duchess — here’s something that Santa told me personally that you wanted.

[ Christina opens the presents to reveal raw meat ]

Joan Crawford: Oh, look, darling — Uncle Clark brought you a pound of raw chuck! What do you say?

[ Joan pinches Christina’s back and makes her mime “THANK YOU!!” ]

Clark Gable: I wanted to buy you a beautiful Shetland pony, like Bonnie Blue Butler… but then your Mommie told me how much you love raw chuck. So I bought you raw chuck! I think Uncle Cary has a little present for you, too!

Clark Gable: [ hands his present over ] Here, darling — look waht Santa brought you, all the way from the North Pole!

[ Christina opens the presents to reveal more raw meat ]

Joan Crawford: Oh, look, Christina — Uncle Cary brought you two pounds of raw liver! What do you say?

[ Joan pinches Christina’s back and makes her mime “THANK YOU!!” ]

Clark Gable: Well, I was going to take you to the circus and carry you around on my shoulders, and put you up, carry you around, buy you carmel corn and cotton candy and taffy apples… but then your Mommie told me how much you’d rather have raw liver!

Katharine Hepburn: Mmm! I can see she’s her mother’s daughter — she already has a taste for BLOOD!

Joan Crawford: Christina, with so many lovely presents, you won’t be needing your little dolly any more! [ she struggles to pull the doll away from Christina ] Why don’t I just give it to the POOR CHILDREN?!

Archer Armstrong: You know, I think I have the PERFECT headline for my story! “Joan Crawford: Hollywood’s BIGGEST Mother.”

Joan Crawford: [ grabbing her Academy Award ] Did I ever show you this? The Academy gave it to me for “Mildred Pierce”. But I really don’t deserve it for that. I deserve it for the GREATEST role of my entire career: portraying Christina’s mother!

[ Christina steps forward for a hug, but Joan shoves her aside, pops the head off of her Academy Award and chugs a slug of whiskey ]

[ dissolve back to the close-up of the diary entry ]

Christina Crawford V/O: “Thank you, Mommie Dearest, for the BEST Christmas present of all, the one you never knew you gave, the gift that keeps on giving: My new best seller… “Mommie Dearest”.

[ she places the book atop her desk ]

[ pull back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Fun With Boils and sores” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

… Jane Curtin
… Bill Murray
… Laraine Newman
Steve Rubell … John Belushi
… Dan Aykroyd
Roseanne Roseannadanna … Gilda Radner

[TEASER:]

Jane Curtin: [sits at WU desk in front of a photo ofPresident Carter with his arm tightly wrapped around awoman, his hand near her breast] Jimmy Carter puts outa feeler in Connecticut. This story and more coming upon Weekend Update.

[AFTER COMMERCIAL BREAK:]

Don Pardo: And now, Weekend Update with the WeekendUpdate news team. Here are Bill Murray and JaneCurtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening. I’m Jane Curtin. Here nowthe news. Our top story tonight:

[Photo of refugees] The first truckload of refugeesfrom Cleveland arrived in New York this morning.

Meanwhile, the city of Cleveland, which defaulted atmidnight last night, has changed its name and moved toArizona to get a fresh start.

Bill Murray:
[Photo of a praying mob of people onhands and knees with heads touching the ground] Duringthe present crisis in Iran, the Shah has promised toease up on human rights violations. But yesterday inTehran, Iran’s military police forced thousands ofMoslems to comb the streets for the Shah’s contactlens.

Well, Weekend Update has learned that theestablishment of diplomatic relations with Red Chinais a direct result of yesterday’s federal drug bust atthe New York disco Studio 54. The goal is an exchangeof celebrities between the United States and Chinawhich will then change its name to the BeautifulPeople’s Republic.

And now, following up on the Studio 54 story isWeekend Update correspondent Laraine Newman, outsideStudio 54. Laraine?

[Cut to Laraine holding a microphone in front of anentrance marked STAGE DOOR.]

Laraine Newman: Thank you, Bill. In the wee hours lastThursday morning, IRS agents raided this glamorousplayground for the elite to confiscate the club’sfinancial records. And, in the process, theydiscovered two ounces of cocaine. The scandal hasgiven credence to the rumor that the illicit narcotic,known in drug circles as coke, disco dust and Peruvianmarching powder, has been commonplace here at Studio54. Standing next to me is Steve Rubell … [cameranow includes Rubell whose upper lip is thick withwhite powder] … co-owner of the club. Steve, whatwas your reaction when you learned cocaine had beenfound here?

Steve Rubell: I was shocked!

Laraine Newman: You mean, that, uh, you’ve never seencocaine here before?

Steve Rubell: Listen, Studio 54 is a place wherebeautiful people can dance and have fun. I can’t besearching everybody who comes in here. Apparently,this was going on right under my nose. [Cheers andapplause.]

Laraine Newman: And, apparently, it still is. [signingoff] Laraine Newman, outside Studio 54. [puts an armaround Rubell] Listen, Steve, uh, this doesn’t changeanything — my name will still be at the gate, right?

Steve Rubell: [eating a powdered doughnut] Yeah.You’ll be– You can get in anytime you want.

Laraine Newman: Great.

[Cut to Jane at the Update desk with photo of CyrusVance.]

Jane Curtin: President Carter summoned Secretary ofState Cyrus Vance to the White House early today andin a two hour meeting explained to Vance what a littledink he is. Vance later called the talks useful andproductive. Bill?

Bill Murray: Give or take a few hours, today is thetwo hundred and eighth birthday of Ludwig VonBeethoven so I’d like to sing a little something tohim. [sings to a well-known melody from Beethoven’sFifth Symphony] Happy birthday, Ludwig von B! [speaks]Get out of here, you old knockwurst-head.

[Graphic reading: “QUOTE OF THE YEAR”] Nominations forUpdate’s Quote of the Year have piled up over themonths and even though two weeks remain in the year,uh, the front-running quote looks hard to beat. Comesfrom the former member of Tony Orlando and Dawn, TonyOrlando himself. [Photo of Tony Orlando] It was on BobHope’s seventy-fifth birthday special that Tony said,and I quote here, [slowly and solemnly] “If you couldput all the laughs that Bob Hope has gotten, one afteranother, they would stretch all the way to theuniverse and fill up the black hole in space.”Unquote. Jane?

Jane Curtin: [shaking her head in admiration] Greatquote, Bill. An Update Christmas gift suggestion. Ifyour list includes a small child who is dull, boringand unimaginative, the perfect present might be thechild-sized Clark Kent suit, complete with horn-rimmedglasses and a little felt, snap-brim hat — nineteenninety-five at most children’s shops.

Dan Aykroyd: Hello, I’m Dan Aykroyd, station managerfor Weekend Update. Last night, President Carterannounced that the United States and Red China haveagreed to establish full diplomatic relations startingJanuary 1st. That will be the topic of tonight’sPoint-Counterpoint with Jane taking the pro-relationspoint and I will take the anti-relations counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: Dan, only a reactionary ass such asyourself could oppose full diplomatic relations withChina. As President Carter said, it is a simplerecognition of reality. How can we ignore eighthundred million people? But, then again, I guess it’syour habit to ignore reality. You’re a paranoidschizophrenic, Dan, whose politics are obviously bornout of some buried infantile trauma. You hide fromreality, constructing a hostile world to justify yourown incapacity for love and compassion. Go ahead, Dan,live in your dark, lonely world. The rest of us willextend our hands in friendship to eight hundredmillion human beings, saying, “Hi! You do exist. Let’sbe friends.”

Dan Aykroyd: Jane, you ignorant slut. My personalityprofile is not at issue here, any more than is yourinability to achieve orgasm. The issue is Taiwan. Howcan we expect to have the confidence of any freenation when we stab one of our most faithful allies inthe back. I suppose you’d like to conduct our foreignpolicy the way you conduct your private life, hoppingfrom bed to bed with anyone that can do you some good.Then what do you have? An old, dried-out scuzz that nodecent man would be seen with. Is that what you wantfor America? It’s too late for you, Jane, but ourcountry still has some dignity left, you hosebag!

Jane Curtin: Thank you, Dan! According to the AmericanPsychological Association, people are more depressedand prone to suicide during Christmas than any othertime during the year. Here to comment further iscorrespondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! A Mr.Richard Feder from Fort Lee, New Jersey sent me thisChristmas poem that says: [reads aloud from a greetingcard]

“Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna,

Well, the holiday season is finally here,Bringin’ Santa and sleigh rides and lots of good cheer.Children are laughin’, there’s lights on the trees.Everyone’s happy except for me.Folks goin’ to parties, folks having fun.I wanna blow my brains out, get me a gun!Christmas is here and I should feel swellBut I’m cryin’ in my room and I feel like hell.

What should I do?”

Mr. Feder, you’re in big trouble. You gotta get out o’New Jersey! But I know exactly what you’re goingthrough ’cause last Christmas, I, RoseanneRoseannadanna, was so depressed I thought I was gonnadie! So I decided to treat myself to a real specialsnappy time — so I got all dressed up and went tothis high class, fancy-shmancy, uptown restaurantcalled “Elaine’s.” It’s one of those places whereeverybody who’s anybody goes to eat Italian food!Between you and me, Roseanne Roseannadanna, I reallylike Elaine’s ’cause you get to see a lot of realfamous celebrities with a little bit of spaghettisauce right here. [points to one side of her lip] Andyou know what? If they don’t wipe that spaghetti sauceoff right away, it gets all hard and dry and crusty –you know, like a blotch?! And when they open theirmouths, the blotch separates and then they close theirmouths, the blotch goes back together again, then itopens, comes back, then it starts to flake off alittle bit, and now a little bit more flakin’ off andeverything and then it’s gone. Anyways, I’m sittin’there, lookin’ at the menu when what comes out of thebathroom but Princess Lee Radziwill. You know, thatclassy lady that no one’s really sure where she’s theprincess of? Well, she was dressed up like a doll inthis slinky basic black dress and she’s got realskinny arms with expensive jewelry hangin’ off of ’em.But then I noticed that Princess Lee had a littleteeny-tiny piece of toilet paper stickin’ to thebottom of one of her Gucci shoes. She — listen tothis — she was just walkin’ around, up and down, withthat little piece of toilet paper just trailin’ behindher, wouldn’t fall off! And the more she walked, thedirtier that toilet paper got. And things startedstickin’ to it. There was a fuzzball, a hair, gum, abug. There was even some fettucini alfredo and a pieceof Romaine lettuce! Well, let me tell you that I,Roseanne Roseannadanna, started to lose my appetite.And I yelled, “Hey! Princess Lee! Take that toiletpaper off your shoe! What are you tryin’ to do? Makeme sick?”

Jane Curtin: [interrupts angrily] What are you tryin’to do? Are you trying to make me sick? Roseanne, getback to the point!

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane. It just goes toshow ya! It’s always somethin’! Either you’redepressed at Christmas or you got toilet paper hangin’from your shoe! But, Jane, even though you yell at meand you say that I make you sick all the time andeverything, I gotcha this nice little gift forChristmas. [gives Jane a wrapped Christmas present]

Audience: Awww.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: I got you a little fruitcake.

Jane Curtin: Roseanne, I – I’m embarrassed. I don’tknow what to say. I– I – I don’t know. Oh…

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Whyn’t you just shut up andeat the cake? [Jane cautiously takes a piece offruitcake and gives it a sniff] And, Mr. Feder, youpathetic person from New Jersey, I didn’t forget aboutyour problem. But, Mr. Feder, you gotta take the badwith the good. It’s just like the holiday advicepassed down to me by my grandmother … [Jane pulls along hair out of the fruitcake and looks disgusted]You can just throw that out — it still tastes good…. Just like the holiday advice passed down to me bymy grandmother, Nana Roseannadanna. [As Roseannerambles on, Jane eats some of the fruitcake] She usedto say, “Life is just like a fruitcake. When you lookat it, it’s rich and sweet with honey and sugar andspice, tastes delicious, makes your mouth water andeverything. But if you look at it real close, there’sthese weird little green things in it and all that andyou don’t know what it is! [Jane looks alarmed] MerryChristmas, Roseanne Roseannadanna.” [eats some of thefruitcake]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have apleasant holiday.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: [to Jane, off the fruitcake] This is good!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

The Widettes

Betty Widette…..Jane Curtin
Bob Widette…..Dan Aykroyd
Jeff Widette…..John Belushi
Tammy Widette…..Gilda Radner
Uncle Jerry…..Elliot Gould

[ open on Betty Widette using the phone behind the wet bar in the Widette living room ]

Betty Widette: Hello? Is this Transamerican Airlines? Good! I’d like to confirm four reservations for the Widette Family. That’s W-I-D-E-T-T-E. Widette. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that’s correct.. [ steps out from the wet bar, revealing her oversized butt ] That’s right. Yeah, we all want first class. Yeah, we’re all going skiing at Big Mountain! Okay, thank you! Goodbye! [ bends over to put down her notes ]

[ Bob Widette, and his oversized butt, enter through the front door ]

Bob Widette: Hi, honey, I’m home!

Betty Widette: Oh, hi, sweetheart!

Bob Widette: What’s for dinner?

Betty Widette: Oh, we’re having macaroni and cheese and home fries.

Bob Widette: Good, good.. well, I brought home some potato salad, in case there’s not enough – because I invited Jerry over for dinner.

Betty Widette: Oh, well, your brother’s always welcome! Oh, wait.. I wonder if we have enough bread pudding? You want to go out and get some more?

Bob Widette: Ohhh, I just want to sit down.. I’ve been on the phone all day.. [ sits ]

Betty Widette: [ sits next to Bob ] Ah, well, that’s okay. We always have the leftover spaghetti in the refrigerator, and there’s some tater tots in there..

Bob Widette: Good. [ places glass sculpture on the coffee table ]

Betty Widette: Oh, this is a beautiful glass sculpture! Where’d you get it?

Bob Widette: Well, I was walking past Steuben’s Crystal & Glass Emporium, and it just caught my eye.

Betty Widette: Looks expensive..

Bob Widette: Ah, not too bad. But I had to pay for two of them. One of them broke, and they blamed me!

Betty Widette: Why? What happened?

Bob Widette: I don’t know! I picked this up, then turned around and paid for it, and I hear this crash! The guy blames me!

Betty Widette: Typical.

Bob Widette: Are the kids home yet?

Betty Widette: Well, Tammy’s trying out for cheerleading tonight, and Jeff wanted to wait around and see if she had a ride.

Bob Widette: Oh, well.. you know..

[ Jeff and Tammy Widette enter the front door ]

Jeff Widette: Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’mmighty hungry..

Betty Widette: Well, we’re having macaroni and cheese in about five munues.

Jeff Widette: Oh, okay.. I’m gonna have a couple of Ho-Ho’s, just to tide me over.

Betty Widette: Well, go right ahead, you must be hungry. [ Jeff exits to the kitchen ] Honestly! I don’t know where he puts it!

Bob Widette: [ notices Tammy is glum ] What’s the matter, Tammy? What’s the sour look for?

Tammy Widette: Ohhhh.. [ plops her big butt odwn on the couch, shoving her parents and their butts over ] I didn’t make the cheerleader squad!

Betty Widette: Oh, that’s a shame, Tammy.. you worked your heart off for that team.

Jeff Widette: Yeah. Bum trip!

Bob Widette: I guess that school’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

[ doorbell rings ]

That must be your Uncle Jerry – I invited him over tonight. Would you get it, Tammy?

Tammy Widette: Okay. [ answers the door ]

Uncle Jerry: Hi, Tammy! Hi, everybody!

Tammy Widette: Hi, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ enters ] Well, well, well.. will you get a load of that cheerleader outfit! Boy, Bob, this daughter of yours is turning into a real piece!

Tammy Widette: Oh, thank you, Uncle Jerry!

Uncle Jerry: [ holds up box ] I brought a treat! I went to Benny Barmons and got some fudge!

[ Jeff and Tammy tear the package open, as Uncle Jerry plops down on the couch ]

Bob Widette: How are things down at the clinic, Jer?

Uncle Jerry: Well, Bob, nothing really exciting to report – I just give booster shots all day. Although, I did see a celebrity, though.

Bob Widette: Oh, yeah?

Uncle Jerry: Orsen Welles came in for a flu shot!

Bob Widette: Orson Welles? Oh, I like him!

Betty Widette: Oh, you know, dinner’s about ready. Shouldn’t we go in and eat?

Jeff Widette: I gotta go to the bathroom first. Uh.. anybody seen my copy of “War & Peace”?

Tammy Widette: Oh, it’s in there already! You know, we’re eating dinner, so remember to turn on all the fans and open the skylight!

Jeff Widette: [ taking the hint ] Okay, okay.. [ exits ]

Bob Widette: [ stands ] You know, I think I’ll put on some music for dinner. Anybody seen my Beverly Sills record? [ turns around, showing off his bug butt ]

Betty Widette: Come on, let’s eat before dinner gets cold.

[ smoke detector goes off ]

Uncle Jerry: What’s that?

Bob Widette: It sounds like a smoke alarm! But I-I-I can’t understand why.. the house shouldn’t be on fire!

Tammy Widette: Oh, Dad, should I go check?

Uncle Jerry: No! No, don’t take any chances! Let’s haul ourselves out of here!

[ they quickly bounce about the room, knocking things down with their big butts as the exit the house ]

[ Jeff rushes downstairs from the bathroom, with a roll of paper towels hanging out from his pants ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


January 27th, 1979

Michael Palin

The Doobie Brothers

Don Novello

None

Al Franken

Tom Davis

Jim Downey

Andy Murphy
State Of The Union 1979Summary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) delivers the State of the Union Address despite his discomfort during a bout of hemorrhoids.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Walter Mondale, Tip o’Neill.

Transcript

Montage

Michael Palin’s MonologueSummary: Michael Palin promises that tonight’s is a near-perfect show, with the exception that no one provided him with non-wool socks.

Transcript

Nerds Piano LessonSummary: Mr. Brighton (Michael Palin) gives Lisa Loopner (Gilda Radner) another piano lesson, and now tries to work his charms on Mrs. Loopner (Jane Curtin).

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner, Mr. Brighton.

What If?Summary: A panel of experts ponder the notion of What If Superman (Dan Aykroyd) had landed in Nazi Germany when he fell from Krypton.

Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Adolph Hitler.

Transcript

The Doobie Brothers perform “What a Fool Believes”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray interviews Woody Hayes (John Belushi) during “Celebrity Corner”, then sits idly while the volatile former coach beats up his wife (Gilda Radner) during a game of Chess. During his sports report, Chico Escuela (Garrett Morris) advises athletes to keep their eye on the ball. Father Guido Sarducci (Don Novello) comments on the Pope’s recent visit to Mexico, then itemizes the bill for the Last Brunch.

Recurring Characters: Chico Escuela, Father Guido Sarducci.

The Adventures of Miles CowperthwaiteSummary: Miles Cowperthwaite (Michael Palin) begins his upbringing as a drool handler for Lord Pinkney (Dan Aykroyd).

Recurring Characters: Miles Cowperthwaite, Captain Ned, Hodo.

The Doobie Brothers perform “Taking it to the Streets”

Name The BatsSummary: Contestants (Gilda Radner, John Belushi) are locked in a barn and forced to give first names to flying bats in exchange for cash prizes.

Transcript

The Franken & Davis ShowSummary: With help from Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner, Al Franken and Tom Davis preview their new Communist pornography programming.

Transcript

Mr. Bill Goes to CourtSummary: Mr. Bill is summoned to stand trial at court after Sluggo claims spot bit him on the leg.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Name The Bats

written by: Brian McConnachie

Jerry…..Michael Palin
Joan…..Gilda Radner
Steve…..John Belushi

[ open on title card ]

[ dissolve to game show set ]

Jerry: Hello! And welcome to “Name The Bats”, where everybody is on a first-name basis! No last names! Say hello to our contestants!

[ cut to the contestants ]

Joan: Uh — hello. Hello.

Steve: How are you?

Jerry: What are your names? No last names, please.

[ they briefly confide in one another ]

Joan: My name is Joan.

Steve: I’m Steve.

Jerry: Great! You know who I am?

[ they briefly confide in one another ]

Steve: You’re the host?

Jerry: Close enough! It’s Jerry. This is “Name The Bats”! The show where everybody leaves their last names… in their other pants! Now — ha ha ha! You’re ready to play?

[ the contestants voice their excitement ]

Jerry: Okay! Now, you toe go into the barn here… and start naming ALL the bats that are in there! You get $180 for every bat you can name. Are you ready?

Joan: Yes, we are! I think we are!

Jerry: [ laughing ] Okay! In you go! [ he unlatches the barn and opens the door ] And start… NAMING THE BATS!! [ he latches the doorbehind them ]

Joan: There are no bats in here!

Steve: I can’t see any bats!

[ Jerry thinks for a moment, then picks up a bat and begins to pound on the barn doors ]

[ Joan starts screaming, as the sound of fluttering bat wings are heard ]

[ as Jerry pounds on the barn doors, a plank of wood splinters off ]

Jerry: Can you see them now?!

Steve: Oh, yeah! Yeah, We can see them! GOOD GOD!!

Jerry: OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!! THE TIME IS RUNNING!! GO!! NAME THE BATS!!

Steve: Oh, no!! Oh, no!!

Joan: They’re in my hair!! Get it out of my hair!!

Jerry: COME ON, YOU TWO!! COME ON!! START NAMING THE BATS!! [ he pounds the barn doors some more ]

Joan: GET OUT OF MY HAIR!!

Steve: FRUIT BATS!!

Joan: OH, MY GOD!! THERE’S A VAMPIRE BAT!!

Jerry: NO, YOU FOOL!! NO, YOU’RE PLAYING THE GAME WRONG!! [ he pounds the barn doors some more ]

Steve: Wehre the hell did it go?! What do you mean, we’re playing it wrong?! WATCH OUT!! OW!!

Jerry: YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE BATS!! DON’T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!! WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY ARE!! WHO DO YOU THINK PUT ‘EM IN THERE?! COME ON!! NOW START GIVING THEM NAMES!!

Joan: LET US OUT OF HERE!!

Steve: Wait a minute!! Yuo mean, we have to give these bats names?! WATCH OUT!!

Jerry: COME ON, COME ON!! REGULAR NAMES!! NOTHING TOO FANCY!! NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!!

[ they continue screaming, as more planks of wood begin to fall off the barn doors ]

Jerry: Alright, alright, alright, alright! [ he pulls the remaining door open ] Okay!

[ they contestants stumble out of the barn ]

Jerry: Right! You sure made a mess of my cubicle! Alright, alright! Too bad! Too bad you didn’t win the big money! You had some trouble with the rules! It’s a shame! It’s a beautiful game when it’s played well! But, uh — [ he tries not to laugh ] We’re not gonna let you go home empty-handed! Naturally enough, we DON’T have a home version of “Name The Bats”… but we can give you… [ the contestants look on with false expewctations ] TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!! [ he shoves them back into the barn ] GET IN THERE!! IN YOU GO!! COME ON!!

[ dissolve to wide shot from audience, with SUPER: “coming up next… Invasion of the Body Stockings” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

State Of The Union 1979

Ray McDougal V/O…..Al Franken
President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on exterior, Capitol Hill, with SUPER: “The State of the Union – 1979” ]

Announcer: From Washington, D.C., NBC presents President Carter’s State of the Union Address. Now, from inside the Capitol, is NBC’s Ray MacDougal.

[ dissolve to interior, politicians talking amongst themsleves as they wait for Carter’s arrival ]

Ray MacDougal V/O: In just a moment, the House Doorkeeper will announce the President. Rumor had it earlier today that the President may not have been able to give the address, because of a painful medical problem, but we’ve heard that he definitely is here. And, uh —

[ the house Speaker stands ]

House Speaker: Mr. Speaker! The President of the United States!

[ real footage of Carter entering the interior to huge applause, as everyone attempts to shake his hand as he makes his way to th front ]

Ray MacDougal V/O: The President is.. waddling into the House Chambers now. The entire Congress is, of course, aware of the President’s condition, and they are obviously applauding his courage – his stoic face refuses to betray the obvious discomfort caused by his affliction.

[ cut now to Dan Aykroyd as Carter, who finally makes his way to the front, walking stiffly so as to highlgiht his discomfort ]

President Jimmy Carter: My fellow Americans.. as I start my third year as President.. I’m happy to announce.. that the state of the union.. is the best it’s ever been. We are in great shape. We are at peace, more people are jogging, we have the best Superbowl ever!

[ stock footage of the room applauding ]

But, we do have problems. The most irritating of which is the constant swelling of inflation. The vessels of our economy.. are dangling in suspense.. to see how this nagging problem will be rectified. Inflation is not pretty. After a long, hard look.. I believe I’ve put my finger on the problem. We have overextended ourselves.. put too much strain on our economy for opportunists —

[ show Ted Kennedy in the crowd, with SUPER: “Next President” ]

Therefore, to drive the piles for a new foundation, to deal with inflation, I will present to Congress a comprehensive legislative package that I call: Preparation-I. With diligent application, this program will hopefully shrink inflation, and relieve this burden which itches away at the base of out economy.

[ stock footage of the room applauding ]

I could go on and describe, in the most vague generalities – inadequate efforts – that arms reductions are human rights. But I just can’t take standing here any longer. So, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

The Franken and Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Tom Davis
…..Laraine Newman
…..Gilda Radner
Voice on Intercom…..Jane Curtin

[ open on animated title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken and Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. Now here’s al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Franken and Davis entering stage to audience applause ]

Al Franken: Thanks very much, ladies and gentlemen… and welcome to the show.

Tom Davis: Now, those of you who are familiar with “The Franken & Davis Show” know that both Al and I are international Communist revolutionaries.

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you very much! And our special guest stars tonight — and this is quite a thrill — are two giant superstars. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome… Laraine Newman and Gilda Radner!

Tom Davis: Yeah! Come on!

[ the audience applauds wildly as Laraine and Gilda step out ]

Al Franken: Thanks for coming on, girls!

Gilda Radner: Oh, thank you, guys! Uh — you know, ladies and gentlemen, when Laraine and I were asked to do the show, we jumped at the chance because, like Tom and Al, Laraine and I are working toward the day when the entire world will be ruled by ONE Marxist government!

Al Franken: Yeah!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Laraine Newman: That’s right. And I think we all agree, that in order for the, uh, prolatariat revolution to succeed, we’ll have to all pitch in to make things worse.

Al Franken: Yeah!

Gilda Radner: Alright!

Tom Davis: Thank you!

[ they all applaud their efforts ]

Tom Davis: That’s wonderful, Laraine. And that’s why on tonight’s show we’re going to present… the first pornography made expressly for television, to help corrupt the moral fiber of our imperialist culture!

Al Franken: Perhaps in our own small way, we can hasten the collapse of our culture and help to clear the way… for the revolution!

Tom Davis: So, if you have any impressionable children who are asleep — wake them up, please, and join us now as we go to Dallas Stadium.

[ dissolve to “Porno For T.V.” opening grraphics ]

Announcer: “Porno For T.V.” [ over title ] “They Rubbed Backs To Get To The Top”.

[ dissolve to Tom as Coach Laundry, reading a porno magazine as his intercom buzzes ]

Tom Davis: Yeah?

Voice on Intercom: Coach Laundry, there are two sisters here who’d like to talk to you about being cheerleaders?

Tom Davis: Okay, send them in — NO interruptions.

[ Laraine and Gilda enter as the two sisters ]

Laraine Newman: Hi! You must be Coach Laundry.

Tom Davis: Yes. Sometimes they call me “Dirty” Laundry.

Gilda Radner: Oh! We’d do ANYTHING to become Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders — and I mean ANYTHING!

Tom Davis: [ piqued ] Anything?

Laraine Newman: That’s riiight.

Tom Davis: How about even rubbing my… back?

Laraine Newman: Oh, sure! You know, our fantasy as sisters is to rub the backs of a coach and football player at the same time!

Tom Davis: Huh? [ into intercom ] Miss Welch? Is Jackie Watts still there in the outer office?

Voice on Intercom: Why, yes!

Tom Davis: Send him in!

Gilda Radner: [ excited ] Jackie Watts? He’s one of the BIGGEST backs in football!

[ Al enters as Jackie Watts ]

Al Franken: Sorry I dropped that… pass… in the… end zone… Coach.

Laraine Newman: [ carressing him ] Ohhhh, forget about the Super Bowl, Jackie. We’re gonna rub your backs like they’ve never been rubbed before! [ she rips his shirt open ] Oh, God!

Al Franken: Oh, great!

Laraine Newman: Get on that couch, honey! Come on! [ she shoves him down ]

Al Franken: Oh, great! [ she begins to rub his back ] Oh!

[ Tom begins to remove his shirt ]

Gilda Radner: How about on the desk?

Tom Davis: Okay. [ he stretches across the desk and she begins to rub his back ] Oh… oh! Oh, that feels GODO! Oh, a little slower. That’s it.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah!

Laraine Newman: Oh, your back is hot.

Al Franken: Oh, yeah! Oh… watch the nails. Oh! Oh, that feels good!

Gilda Radner: [ playing with her hair ] I’m going to try something really UNUSUAL! I want to hold your weight!

Tom Davis: Okay, baby! Whatever you… oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, you’re driving me crazy!

[ Jackie and his sister have changed positions ]

Laraine Newman: Ohhh, crack me! Crack me!

Al Franken: [ twisting her neck ] You’re just… bending!

Laraine Newman: Oh, yeah!

Al Franken: Hey. I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you and your sister rub each other’s backs… and we’ll watch?

Girls: Okay!

[ the male audience members begin to moan in anticipation, as Gila sits down to rub Laraine’s back ]

Laraine Newman: Oh! Ohhhh!

Tom Davis: Hey. You know how to use one of these? [ he pulls out a back scratcher ]

Gilda Radner: I don’t know.

Tom Davis: Give it a try! [ he uses it to scratch Laraine’s back ]

Laraine Newman: Oh! Oh! Scratch me all over! Oh!

Al Franken: Hey! Hey, let ME get in there!

[ they all climb onto the sofa together, the back scratcher wedged between them ]

Al Franken: Oh, yeah!

Tom Davis: Oh!

Al Franken: Yeah!

Tom Davis: Oh!

Al Franken: Oh, baby!

Tom Davis: Oh! Yeah!

[ SUPER: “THE END” ]

[ dissolve to “The FRanken and Davis Show” title card ]

Announcer: Al and Tom will be right back after this message from the Communist Party. [ over product slide ] “The Communist Party: The Shah’s Not OUR Friend”. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom waving onstage ]

Al & Tom: Goodnight, everybody!

Al Franken: Good night!

Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!

Al Franken: Thanks for watching!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Goodnights

…..Michael Palin

Michael Palin: [ holding an armful of socks, which he can’t keep his full grip on ] Ladies and gentlemen, I just want to thank all of you who, during the course of the show, have sent in, from places as far apart as Decatur and Pittsburgh, socks, just like I needed earlier. Thank you very much. Thank you! Thank you!

Don Pardo V/O: Two weeks from tonight, “Saturday Night”‘s host will be cicely Tyson, with musical guest Talking Heads. This is Don Pardo. Good night.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 10

78j: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

Michael Palin’s Monologue

…..Michael Palin

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Michael Palin!

Michael Palin: Hello, hi! Great, great! [ he catches his breath and laughs ] I’m overcome! This is just wonderful! I mean, to come 3,000 miles… to this. 4,000 by Concorde. Ah, it’s just GREAT to be here! All I can say is, it’s just GREAT to be back on “Saturday Night Live”! [ the audience cheers ] No! Please. You’re just trying to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. Uh — no. It’s just one movie. Here, with the guys again — I mean, Danny out there’s been great, and uh — [ a woman screams ] all the others are just, uh… [ he pulls a piece of paper out of his pocket and reads ] Uh — John… [ a woman screams ] Gilda… [ a woman screams, a man yells “Yeahh!” ] Laraine… [ a woman screams ] Jane… [ a woman screams; Palin stares in her direction ] Garrett, of course… [ a woman screams ] and Bill… [ a woman screams ] and a couple of pounds of potatoes. I’m sorry.

[ he puts the paper away ]

Anyway, it’s just — I mean, it’s a great thrill to be back here again. Everything’s working well, and I think — I may say this now, because I think we have… dare I say it? Yeah, I dare! A near perfect show for you tonight. I mean, just with the rehearsals, the writers have come up with superb material, The Doobie Brothers as our musical guest! [ the audience cheers ] They are — they’re just so good! FRanken & Davis, we have. I mean, as far as I’m concerned, everything’s GREAT… apart from the fact that I have the wrong socks. [ the audience chuckles ] STILL, this is not a problem, this is just — well, this is just between me and — [ a woman screams ] Is that my mother up there? This is just between me and NBC. It’s a little problem, a little problem that does not affect you at all. No, I just — I mean, I really can’t wait, because I want to get on with the show because, honestly, the stuff I’ve seen, really… I mean — the only thing about the socks that really gets me is… I’m not…

[ the audience laughs and screams ]

I’ll just tell you: I have… I have a problem, in that area. Which is that I have an allergy. I have an allergy to wool. Now, okay, certain socks are made of wool. So… when I, you know, negotiate the contract, they say “Come over here, we want you to do the show.” I say, “Fine, but obviously I’d like to — if possible, if it’s not possible to have wool socks.” I don’t like to say “Michael Palin says he would do the show, you know, provided he doesn’t have wool socks!” I don’t want to say that, but I wrote them a letter and I spoke to someone on the phone, and they said, “Fine, you won’t have any wool socks. We’ll get rayon, terry, you know or something like that.” Just a — you know, nothing much, but it helps my comfort during the show! And if I don’t wear wool socks, things get a little uncomfortable. Anyway, so I thought we’d leave it at that! But, you know, it’s great! It’s great! I come in today… I pass a store selling rayon, terry, and all other socks all on sale. I cme in today, there’s not a SOCK in the building… which doesn’t have pure lamb quality. I mean, it’s a silly thing, anyway!

Anyway — no. [ he looks around ] I tell you, this show tonight — you’ve just a foretaste, really, with Danny’s bit there. There are soem tremendous things to come, and I’d like you know — I don’t want to carry on. Just let me say this: With a show as good as this, it’s just a pity that they couldn’t have brung, possibly, to something in the hosiery area. I’d really be a little better, you know? NBC, RCA — they own most of Americs! [ he laughs nervously ] You know — they send me by Concorde, they send me by limosine, you know, a limosine with stereotronics in the back to take me to the hotel, they drive me around here, they give me a lvoely dressing room with drinks and everything like that, and cheese and all that, but… yeah, I don’t get the stocks. Still… I-I, you know, it’s just a pity, because it’s all so good. I won’t say any more, just, just, uh, enjoy the show and… we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts