Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Doyle’s Tavern

Dick Lankey…..Bill Murray
Caller #1…..Gilda Radner
Bob Gallagher…..Dan Aykroyd
Caller #2…..Jane Curtin
Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa…..John Belushi

[ open on title card for faux NBC programing ]

Don Pardo V/O: “Little Women & Big Basketball Players” will not be seen tonight, so that NBC may present the following special program.

[ dissolve to interior, Doyle’s Tavern during a live WGN Radio remote ]

Musical Recording: “You’re never gonna see no uuuuuun-iiiii-corrrrrrrrrn!”

Dick Lankey: We’re back. That was the “Unicorn Song” by the Irish Rovers, and this is Dick Lankey, WGN Radio, we’re a Clear Channel station. And we’re on remote from Doyle’s Tavern, on the corner of North Ave. and Halstead, where the late Mayor Richard J. Daley is expected to reappear.. just like he did last St. Patrick’s Day. Uh.. congratulations has gotta go out to those DePaul Blue Demons and Coach Ray Meyer – God bless you, you know St. Patrick was looking down on you, Ray Meyer! We got somebody on the line right now – who am I speaking to, please?

Caller #1: Uh.. Pam Corinsi from Elmhurst.

Dick Lankey: You have a question.. for Mayor Richard J. Daly, Pam?

Caller #1: Uh, yeah.. I wanted to ask Mayor Daley how he would have handled our heavy snowfall problem.

Dick Lankey: Now, we have had that question, uh.. you probably didn’t hear that, somebody mentioned it before. We’re definitely gonna be asking about the snow poblem for sure. Thanks for calling! [ hangs up ] You got a question you’d like to ask Mayor Daley, here are some of the questions we’ve gotten already that people want to know: “What is it like to be dead?” Good question! “When is the war in Ireland gonna be settled, when are we gonna get peace over there?” “Are there snsets in Heaven?” Hmm.. interesting.. Call in your question! 5-5-5 1-0-1-0, that’s our number! With me is Bob Gallagher! Who, uh.. was one of the lucky people who was here when the Mayor appeared last year. Bob, do you think he’ll be back?

Bob Gallagher: Uh.. I’m, uh.. pretty sure he will be. I’ve heard reports, a lot of people claim they saw him, uh.. plain ax day walking down State Street after the parade.. Uh, I’ll bet he’ll probably be dropping by here soon. We’ve got all his favorite tunes on the jukebox.

Dick Lankey: Mmm-hmm.. Well, what do you think about the questions that we’ve got for him? Do you think he’ll mind answering a few questions?

Bob Gallagher: Ah, I don’t think so.. he was real friendly last year.

Dick Lankey: Well, would you mind telling everybody at home just exactly what happened last year?

Bob Gallagher: O-okay, uh.. my friend and me were standing right over near the bar, talking about the Mayor.. and, all of a sudden, there was this puff of green smoke, and there he was. He stood right over there next to the jukebox, and he was holding a turkey under his arm, and he left.. he left it right here. It was a 10-pound Butterball, it was delicious!

Dick Lankey: What do you think is the best question we’ve got for him so far?

Bob Gallagher: Well, personally, I like to one that wants to know if he ever met Abraham Lincoln up in Heaven. I’d like to ask him that myself!

Dick Lankey: Alright, you got a question for Mayor Daley? 5-5-5 1-0-1-0. That’s the number, we’re waiting for your calls here! come on, let’s hear from you! [ reads off trivia items while waiting for the phones to ring ] Sir Monteract III is 42 today. And on this day in 1910, the Campfire Girls of America was founded in Lake Sebago, Maine – what do ya think about that? [ a call finally comes through ] Here’s a call! Hello! Dick Lankey!

Caller #2: Dick?

Dick Lankey: That’s right – Dick Lankey, WGN! Who am I speaking with?

Caller #2: Dick, this is Jane Byrne.

Dick Lankey: Not Mayor-Elect-almost Jane Byrne, is that who?

Caller #2: That’s me, Dick! I was hoping I could be there to greet the Mayor personally, but I’m busy celebrating my second wedding anniversary.

Dick Lankey: [ chuckling ] Well, congratulations, Jane! Have you got a question for Mayor Daley?

Caller #2: Yeah. Yeah.. I-I’d like to ask him.. if I could get the Democratic Party to have the 1980 Convention here, would he promise not to show up?

Dick Lankey: Ahhhhh! [ hangs up on the caller ] Another crank call! I guess we’re gonna have to expect those. It’s really too bad it has to happen on St. Patrick’s Day. Who’s got a question for Mayor Daley? 5-5-5 1-0-1-0! Bob, you’re looking at your watch – what time have we got?

Bob Gallagher: Ah, it’s almost 10:30..

Dick Lankey: 10:30.

Bob Gallagher: That’s about the time he came here last year.

Dick Lankey: Ooh, brother..

Bob Gallagher: He walked in right through that door.

[ spiritual music pots up, as smoke clouds rise through the bar ]

Bob Gallagher: It’s him! This is it! This is it! It’s the Mayor!

[ it’s not Mayor Daley. Through the smoke, the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa appears ]

Bob Gallagher: I-it’s not the Mayor, it’s.. it’s.. Jimmy Hoffa..

Ghost of Jimmy Hoffa: I’m sorry Mayor Daley could not be here – he’s still in purgatory, and he sends his best! But there is something I.. would like to say. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

The Franken & Davis Show

…..Al Franken
…..Dan Aykroyd
Augie Hartwell…..Tom Davis

[ open on Franken & Davis title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “the Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now.. here’s Al & Tom!

[ dissolve to Al Franken standing onstage alone ]

Al Franken: Thak you, thank you! Thank you very much! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tom is backstage, uh.. getting dressed. Before we start the show tonight, there’s something that I’d like to get off my chest, it’s been really bugging me. As you know, “The Franken & Davis Show” has rocketed me to stardom.. and, of course, I’m thrilled about it. But, unfortunately, a few unscrupulous people have.. tried to.. capitalize on the success of “The Franken & Davis Show”, and.. well, something ugly has happened. A few days ago, I was in the supermarket, I was in the dry cereal section, and I saw this! [ holds up a box of the cereal Frankenberry” ] “Franken Berry”! Okay? Franken Berry cereal. This is my name! They’re using my name – Franken – and this is my face! I mean, look at this! [ turns the box around to reveal a full-sized potrait of the pinkish Frankenberry monster – Al mimics the facial expression ] Huh? Okay? This is.. this is my mouth.. my nose – can you see that? They’ve got my glasses.. and this is the worst part, look at this.. [ covers everything below the head ] Can you see that? They’re using my rear end! Can you see that? They’re using my charisma to push a breakfast cereal, and I just. I just had to get that.. get that off my chest, and we’re suing the Big G! Let me just say that.

Well.. enough of that. Let’s get.. let’s get right to tonight’s show.

[ dissolve to title card for “Pity Thy Neighbor”; dissolve back to Al Franken and Dan Aykroyd onstage ]

Al Franken: Welcome to Franken & Davis’ “Pity Thy Neighbor” – the program that gives you the opportunity to give something you don’t need.. to someone who will take it. Now.. Dan Aykroyd? Tell us who our first pitiful neighbor is, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. let us welcome Mr. Augie Hartwell! A young man whom we are told is down on his luck.

[ audience claps as Augie enters ]

Al Franken: Welcome, Augie, uh.. how are you?

Augie Hartwell: I’ve.. been sick.

Al Franken: You’ve been sick?

Augie Hartwell: Yes.

Al Franken: Well, Augie, how sick are you?

Augie Hartwell: Well, my urine is bright orange.. and I’ve had a headache for a year..

Al Franken: Ladies and gentlemen, this poor man.. has been sick for a year – his urine is bright orange.. I’m gonna open the lines. Let’s flash those numbers.. let’s put those numbers on the screen now. If you have anything that you’d like to give.. this poor, wretched creature.. phone in that number right there.. and I’m sure he’ll take it. Now, uh.. tell us, Augie.. where do you live?

Augie Hartwell: I live in, uh.. Gramercy Park.

Al Franken: Well, that’s a, uh.. fashionable area..

Augie Hartwell: No, in the park! In the bushes!!

Al Franken: Oh, in the actual park..

Augie Hartwell: Yeah!

Al Franken: Oh, that is.. that is terribly pathetic. Uh, Dan Aykroyd? How many phone-in pledges do we have for Augie?

Dan Aykroyd: Uh, well.. we haven’t had a ring yet, Al.

Al Franken: None? None. Um.. Augie, uh.. why don’t you tell us, uh.. what do you eat?

Augie Hartwell: Popcorn and pigeons.

Al Franken: Oh., Oh, ladies and gentlemen.. here is a man with no home, no possessions.. an obviously scanty diet. Certainly there must be something that you don’t need – a dented soup can.. a-an old stained mattress.. something .. that you can send this.. pathetic creature. Well, certainly we have some calls by now, Dan.

Dan Aykroyd: [ sighs ] Nothing. Nada! Al.

Al Franken: [ feeling dejected ] Oh. Well, uh.. tell me, Augie.. how did you get down to our, uh.. show today? How do you get around town?

Augie Hartwell: I grab on the back of a bus!

Al Franken: You grab on..?

Augie Hartwell: Yeah.. ow-oh!!

Al Franken: Augie.. Augie..?

Augie Hartwell: Oh-ow!!

Al Franken: ..What happened?

Augie Hartwell: I bit my tongue again!

Al Franken: Oh.. oh.. you are a mess..

Augie Hartwell: Oh..

Al Franken: Well, Dan? Did he get any.. any calls?

Dan Aykroyd: No.

Al Franken: Well, gee, I’m.. sorry, Augie.. this has never happened on.. “Pity Thy Neighbor” before. Sorry we’re running out of time, there’s other pitiful neighbors waiting out in the wings, I’m.. afriad you’re going to have to leave..

Augie Hartwell: Well, you’re the only one who cares about me.. why don’t you give me something now?

Al Franken: Oh, no, I’m sorry, Augie, I can’t.. I see hundreds of pitiful neighbors every week. If I.. if I gave to you, I’d have to give to them all. Then I’d be a pitiful neighbor myself!

Augie Hartwell: Does that mean I don’t get anything?

Al Franken: Uh, no.. we wouldn’t ket you go without anything. We wouldn’t let you go empty-handed. Dan, why don’t you tell Augie what he’s won.

Dan Aykroyd: Well, Al.. Augie has won the home version of the “Pity Thy Neighbor” game! [ holds game box up ] Which you can play with your friends or family.

Augie Hartwell: But I don’t have any friends..

Al Franken: Well, that’s-

Augie Hartwell: ..or family..

Al Franken: Well, that’s too bad.. Now, remember, Augie, you can only appear once.. on “Pity Thy Neighbor”, so.. goodbye, and don’t come back.

Augie Hartwell: [ meekly ] Thank you..

Dan Aykroyd: [ grabbing Augie and dragging him out of the studio ] Let’s go, pal!

Al Franken: Uh.. be sure to tune in next week, when our next pitiful neighbor says his name.. is Steven Weed.

[ dissolve to title card ]

Announcer: Al & Tom will be right back after this message. “The Franken & Davis Show” is brought ot you by the International Communist Party: Sooner or later, you’ll be Communist. And now.. here’s Al & Tom!

[ dissolve to Al & Tom waving good night to the audience ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody!

Tom Davis: Thanks for watching!

Al Franken: Thanks! Good night!

[ zoom out on set, as SUPER arises: “Coming up next… Honk If You Love Geese” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute

Mrs. Potter…..Margot Kidder
Fred Garvin…..Dan Aykroyd
Slick…..Garrett Morris

[ open on Mrs. Potter lying in bed in hotel room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Mrs. Potter: I’m coming, I’m coming.. [ opens door ] Hello?

Fred Garvin: [ entering ] Mrs. Potter?

Mrs. Potter: Yes.. that’s me.

Fred Garvin: The same Mrs. Potter who’s Vice-President, in charge of loans for the Franklin National Bank in Chicago.

Mrs. Potter: Yeah, that’s me.

Fred Garvin: Here, this is for you.

Mrs. Potter: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

Fred Garvin: May I come in?

Mrs. Potter: What for?

Fred Garvin: Well, ma’am, you see, when a VP like yourself comes to Milain to do business, it’s customary for the company to send a gal up to the room, compliments of Great Lakes Feed & Grain. And, well.. since you’re a gal, the company sent me – Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

Mrs. Potter: Uh.. I don’t, I don’t think you understand, Fred. I’m not that kind of girl..

Fred Garvin: Oh, let me reassure you, ma’am. I can assure you profssional hygeine, discretion and animal gratification.

Mrs. Potter: I have never had to pay for that in my whole life.

Fred Garvin: Well, don’t worry about it. Great Lakes Feed & Grain is picking up the tab. You get me for the whole night!

Mrs. Potter: Hey, uh..

Fred Garvin: Hey is for horses, young lady. No ifs, ands or buts about it – you’re spending the night with Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

Well, now, I have a work order here which specifies that I am to roger you roundly ’til 6:15 tomorrow morning.

Mrs. Potter: Now, wait a minute.. wait a minute. Don’t I get dome say in this? I mean, maybe I want some sleep. Maybe I don’t want to be rogered roundly.

Fred Garvin: Ma’am, you’re dealing here with a fully qualified male strumpet. I service the entire quad cities area – Moline, Rock Island, Davenport and Bettendorf. Why don’t you give it a whirl? What have you got to lose?

Mrs. Potter: [ walks aside to think to herself ] What do I have to lose? No one’s ever gonna know.. and I’m not gonna see Paul for another couple of weeks. Sure, Fred’s not the most attractive guy in the world.. but if he makes a living at this, he must be doing something right. [ finished thinking ] Okay, Mr. Garvin. I’ll try it.

Fred Garvin: Congratulations, Mrs. Potter! I knew you’d come to your sense. And, ma’am, if you’re amenable, I’d like to begin the session by striking a few.. seductive poses. [ makes series of odd, comic poses ]

Mrs. Potter: That’s nice..

Fred Garvin: I call this one “The Snake”. [ poses like a snake ]

Mrs. Potter: Uh.. well, I’m, uh..

Fred Garvin: Mrs. Potter, please cooperate. Come on, now, come on. You’ll thank yourself later, now come on. Get on under this bed here, young lady, come on, come on. Just jump right on in here.

Mrs. Potter: Okay. [ jumps in ]

Fred Garvin: Now, if you don’t mind, I do work with the glasses and jacket. [ climbs in ] Feeling anything yet? Any symptoms of arousal?

Mrs. Potter: I don’t think so.

Fred Garvin: Well, these things take time. Perhaps a bit of humor will break the ice. What’s red and green, and goes like this? [ makes spinning motion ]

Mrs. Potter: I don’t know.

Fred Garvin: A frog in a blender! There you go. And now, look at this. [ holds up card ]

Mrs. Potter: What’s this?

Fred Garvin: My backseat driver’s license! [ laughs ] Enough foreplay – let’s get cracking. [ removes pants ]

Mrs. Potter: [ notices something ] Hey, wait a minute..

Fred Garvin: What?

Mrs. Potter: What is all that stuff?

Fred Garvin: Oh, uh.. that’s my rather elaborate network of trusses. I will need your help with a couple of these. I got the old hernia truss here.. and I got a spleen truss, it opens up with a couple of snaps here in the back..

Mrs. Potter: No, I don’t think so.. you know, I.. I.. I think this is a little too much for me, I, uh..

Fred Garvin: No, no.. it’s just a couple of snaps in the back. You know, you just gotta make sure you don’t touch the rupture, that’s all..

[ a knock at the door ]

Mrs. Potter: Who’s that? Who’s that?

Slick: It’s Slick.

Mrs. Potter: Who’s Slick?

Fred Garvin: Uh.. Slick. This takes a little explanation. You see.. Slick is a gentleman of leisure. He looks out for me and the girls. Uh.. be there in a jiffy, Slick! By the way, one good word from you would really put me in good with the boss.

Mrs. Potter: Okay.

Fred Garvin: [ opens door ] Hey, Slick!

Slick: [ enters, dressed a pimp ] There’s my main man! I was down in the hallway, I thought you mind need some help with your trusses, baby.

Mrs. Potter: Oh, no, we don’t need any help with his trusses. In fact, I think maybe you’d both better get out of here.

Slick: What’s the matter, Miss? Hasn’t Fred attended to your needs?

Mrs. Potter: Oh, no.. he’s really attended to my needs.. [ Fred signals her ] He was wonderful! The earth moved! In fact, it moved so muich, I don’t think I can take any more!

Slick: [ laughs ] That’s my Fred! Yeah. He’s my bread-and-butter man. You see, in my schedule I got eight girls, and Fred. Come on, Fred, let’s go, man. They got some hungry women in Beddendorf waiting for the Garden Lizard.

Mrs. Potter: Fred? Fred? Fred, I just want to thank you for tonight. I’m never going to forget it.

Fred Garvin: Well, thank you, ma’am. I do what I can. Because I’m Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute.

[ Fred stares at the camera as the title card appears ]

[ camera pulls back on set, with SUPER: “coming up next… Beware of the Dogma” ]

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Goodnights

…..Margot Kidder

Margot Kidder: Hey, you guys, I, uh.. I had a great time, and I hope all of you did, too! And, uh.. [ audience cheers ] Good night! I love you, Daddy! I love you, Debbie!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 15

78o: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

Men’s Problems

Eve Beverage … Jane Curtin
Edna Woman … Margot Kidder
Betsy Sandler … Gilda Radner
Patsy Carlson … Laraine Newman
First Questioner … Anne Beatts
Second Questioner … Rosie Shuster

[Tammy Wynette’s “Stand By Your Man” plays as we fadein on the set of a talk show. SUPER: MEN’S PROBLEMS.Four suburban women sit and talk amongstthemselves.]

Eve Beverage: [to the woman beside her] Oh, Iknow! And it’s just that they, you know, they come outof there and they keep trying to go back in! You know?It’s terrible.

Edna Woman: I know. I know just what youmean.

Eve Beverage: [into the camera] Oh, hi! I’m EveBeverage. And welcome to Men’s Problems, the show thattries to help men. And now let’s meet the girls. EdnaWoman.

Edna Woman: Hiya. [waves, smiles – wears a pinkpantsuit, her legs spread wide apart throughout thesketch]

Eve Beverage: Betsy Sandler. [bespectacledwoman who smiles and nods] Patsy Carlson. [redhead whowaves] Marsha Dieter couldn’t be here ’cause herhusband hadn’t eaten dinner yet. Well, last week, wewere talking about how all men are in love with theirmothers and hate them at the same time.

Edna Woman: I think men are – are all spoiledbabies ’cause their mothers gave ’em everything theywanted. Except sex.

Eve Beverage: Oh, exactly. They’re likechildren.

Edna Woman: Yeah.

Betsy Sandler: Oh, tell me about it! I gotthree kids: two are my real kids and one is my husbandPeter. [waves, into the camera] Hi, kids! Hi,Peter!

Eve Beverage: Well, maybe they behave likechildren because they can never actually have childrenthemselves.

Edna Woman: Yeah. And even if they do havekids, they can never actually be sure who the fatherreally is. That’s a problem.

Eve Beverage: Very good point. Very goodpoint.

Edna Woman: That’s a really big men’sproblem.

Eve Beverage: Well, what else, do youthink?

Edna Woman: Size.

Eve Beverage: Ahhh!

Edna Woman: Size is a big problem.

Betsy Sandler: Yeah. Well, uh, size can eitherbe a big problem or a little problem.

[Others murmur agreement or say, “Yeah” andchuckle.]

Eve Beverage: That’s true. That’s very true.Very true.

Betsy Sandler: [into camera] Oh, I didn’t – Ididn’t mean anything specific about you, Peter.[chuckles]

Eve Beverage: Well, one huge men’s problem isthat they can’t make us climax.

Edna Woman: [after an awkward pause, puts ahand on Eve’s arm] Oh, you gotta show him,honey.

Eve Beverage: Well–

Edna Woman: You gotta show him.

Eve Beverage: It’s always the same with Dick.First, he says, “Mama Bear, come to Papa Bear” — thenhe goes “Honk, honk, honk” and then falls asleep likea beached whale! [mimics snoring] You know what Imean? That’s terrible.

Betsy Sandler: Oh, God, it sounds just likePeter!

Eve Beverage: Oh, no!

Patsy Carlson: Uh, can I say something? Can I?I think it’s a terrible men’s problem when the guyfalls in love with you and you think he’s a creep. Andhe won’t take no for an answer. My God, if I couldhave a dime for every charity case I’ve slept with–[shakes her head, chuckling — pause as the othersstare at her in shock — uncomfortably] Well, thereweren’t that many.

Eve Beverage: Making us into masochists is aterrible men’s problem.

Betsy Sandler: [nods] Mmm. Oh, you wanna hear areally bad men’s problem?

Eve Beverage: That they can’t fake it.

Betsy Sandler: Uh, no, no. I – I was thinking,you know, you know, when – how men worry about theirhair?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: And when they’re going bald, youknow?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: And sometimes, there’s just hairin the back and they take and they comb it forward?

Eve Beverage: Uh huh.

Betsy Sandler: One – one strand —

Eve Beverage: Yes!

Betsy Sandler: — comes over the top like astripe – it looks like a stripe!

Eve Beverage: Yes! Yes!

Betsy Sandler: [laughs, suddenly serious, intocamera] Well, you know you do it, honey! Youknow you do.

Edna Woman: I – I think that biggest men’sproblem is that we can always do it – and they can’t.I mean, we can even do it when we’re dead.

Eve Beverage: Maybe, maybe. Now, why don’t wego to the Beef Box for some questions? [pointsaggressively] You!

First Questioner: [in the audience, at amicrophone] What about lesbianism?

Eve Beverage: [sharply] What about it? Nextquestion.

Second Questioner: [clutching her purse] Keepup the good work! Do any of you fool around?

Eve Beverage: Ahh!

Betsy Sandler: Oh, uh, me! [raises her hand]Um, I’m having an affair with this really great guywho I met totally by accident. I’m sorry,Peter.

Patsy Carlson: [laughs, then mangles her line]At least, she heard it from you, Peter! [having blownthe joke, puts hand to her face and shakes her head inamused embarrassment]

Eve Beverage: Well, we’re running out of timebut, clearly, not out of men’s problems. Thank you forwatching and I hope we’ve helped some of you men outthere. See ya next week.

[Applause, music: “Stand By Your Man” which drowns outsome of the following:]

Edna Woman: No! I didn’t get to my list –there’s war, rape, bad aim, [?], dingleberries, dirtymovies, [?], hair on the chest–

[SUPER: MEN’S PROBLEMS. Pull back, fadeaway.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 4: Episode 8

78h: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

What Do You?

Host … Eric Idle
Lord Elpus … Tom Schiller
Deaconess of Detroit … Gilda Radner

[SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has abull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous gameshow music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveala game show set with a host and two cheerfulcontestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaidsuit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spielpunctuated by appropriate sound effects.]

Host: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, andwelcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?”– a new game show loosely based on all the old gameshows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shallask a team of two personalities — Lord Elpus…

Lord Elpus: Hello.

Host: … and the Deaconess of Detroit…

Deaconess: Hello.

Host: … a series of questions in either[bell] category, [buzzer] category, or specialcategory [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut]. And if they get the wronganswer, they get a [raspberry] from the studioaudience.

At the end of the contest, they will hear this –[prizefight bell] — and they must stop immediately. At any point in the proceedings they may be given a[deep buzzer] which means they can ask for anotherquestion. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s thefire alarm.

When they want to interrupt a [multiple bells]question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot]question, they must press their special buttons. Lord Elpus, will you press yours?

[Lord Elpus presses his button and we hear Goofy Tune#1]

And, Deaconess, yours.

[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear GoofyTune #2]

If they get it right, they get fifteen points on thescoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard foreach correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.

[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through theair and making a springboard sound, the host watchesan actual arrow fired into the bull’s-eye of thegame’s sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow stickingout of the sign.]

Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start theclock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so.[stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a[horn, shave-and-a-haircut] or a [raspberry] for thefirst of either the [Goofy Tune #1] contestant or the[Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the GoldenWord “Birmingham” from his four letters.

And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means thathe’s this week’s winner.

Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’llbe back again same time next week. Till then, good-byefrom Lord Elpus.

Lord Elpus: Goodbye!

Host: And from the Deaconess ofDetroit.

Deaconess: Goodbye!

Host: And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plusGoofy Tune #3 with slide whistle as the host is shotin the belly with an arrow and falls backward in hischair, dead].

[Zoom in on the show’s sign, then dissolve to a widershot of the set, cameras, applauding audience, etc.SUPER: did you know …. The Computer InventedItself]

Submitted Anonymously

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


December 16th, 1978

Elliott Gould

Peter Tosh

Bob & Ray

Dave Wilson

Mick Jagger

Paul Shaffer

Yvonne Hudson

Brian Doyle-Murray

Jim Downey

Tom Schiller

Andy Murphy

Al Franken
White House Lawn Special EventSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) and his daughter Amy (Laraine Newman) ceremoniously unlight the White House Christmas tree in order to conserve energy.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, Amy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Elliot Gould’s MonologueSummary: Elliott Gould tap dances and sings “Christmastime in Harlem”.

Rovco All-Flammable Christmas Tree

The WidettesSummary: The big-butt Widette Family (Dan Aykroyd, Jane Curtin, John Belushi, Gilda Radner) celebrate Christmas with Uncle Jerry (Elliott Gould).

Recurring Characters: Betty Widette, Bob Widette, Jeff Widette, Tammy Widette.

Transcript

Peter Tosh & Mick Jagger perform “Don’t Look Back”

Mommie DearestRecurring Characters: Joan Crawford, Colleen Fernman, Katharine Hepburn, Clark Gable, Cary Grant.

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurrayRecurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

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The Spirits of Christmas

Bob & RayTranscript

St. Mickey’s Knights of ColumbusRecurring Characters: Frank Leary, Jack Neehauser, Francis Jacko Leary, Jr., Sister Serena.

Peter Tosh performs “Bush Doctor”

Christmas Tree SalesmanSummary: While the Christmas tree salesman (Elliott Gould) is lured across across the street by a prostitute (Laraine Newman), homeless Honker (Bill Murray) manages to make a sale for a mother (Gilda Radner) and her little girl (Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Bob and Ray

Interviewer … Bob Elliott
Garth … Ray Goulding
… Elliott Gould

Elliott Gould: Ladies and gentlemen, Bob and Ray.

[Dissolve to classic radio comedians Bob and Ray whosit together in a sort of festive holiday talk showsetting. The big guy, Ray — in character as ParnellW. Garth — holds a small, sickly, dried-up fir tree.His smaller partner, Bob — father of future SNL castmember Chris Elliott — addresses the camera.]

Interviewer: Every year as the holiday season rollsaround, we have our scouts search the train stations,the bus depots, trying to find people who have, uh,well, hard luck stories to tell, and we try to maketheir Christmas season a little bit happier. We have,uh, an unfortunate gentleman here. [to Garth] Ibelieve our scouts found you over at the PortAuthority bus station, wasn’t that right, sir?

Garth: Yes, it was in the bus terminal there I wassittin’ and, uh, I guess I looked depressed.

Interviewer: Probably did. Tell us your story rightfrom the start, will you, so we’ll–?

Garth: Well, it was back on Labor Day and, uh, a bunchof fellas, my friends and myself, are sitting on theback porch havin’ a couple of drinks.

Interviewer: You’re from out Seattle way, I believe.

Garth: Tacoma.

Interviewer: Tacoma.

Garth: And, uh, we get thinking — it was Labor Day –about Thanksgiving and then Christmas and I said…

Interviewer: Sure.

Garth: … you know, that big tree they have there inNew York every year, they never bring it from theGreat Northwest. Now, we’re proud of our fir trees outthere and seems like they always get a tree fromPennsylvania…

Interviewer: Up in New England someplace.

Garth: Massachusetts, somewhere like that. So I’measily led. And we had a few drinks.

Interviewer: Sure.

Garth: So the, uh, the fellas said, well, uh, whydon’t you cut down a tree and take it to New York, uh,Parnell?

Interviewer: Sell it to Radio City, huh?

Garth: Yeah.

Interviewer: Uh huh.

Garth: So, it sounded, at the time, like a good idea,I would say.

Interviewer: Right, right.

Garth: So I go out and I get a saw and I go out andcut one down in my back yard. So I didn’t have themoney to fly, so I got a bus ticket and, uh–

Interviewer: You were going to bring this tree…

Garth: Right.

Interviewer: … all the way by bus to, uh…

Garth: Right.

Interviewer: … sell–

Garth: I brought it all the way from Tacoma,Washington.

Interviewer: I understand. Now, what did you do, tieit up and lash it to the top of the bus or what?

Garth: No, they wouldn’t let me do that. The drivermade me hold it on my lap clear across the country.So, uh…

Interviewer: Kind of uncomfortable.

Garth: It was uncomfortable. Made the trip alittle longer. Well, I made a lot of side trips, youknow? I didn’t see the country, so I saw YellowstonePark and Dodge City and those places.

Interviewer: You had to carry this with you, all over?

Garth: Sure. I wouldn’t let it out of my sight. I wasgonna sell it for a fortune, I thought, here in NewYork.

Interviewer: Okay.

Garth: And, you know, there’s a right way and a wrongway to go through a bus door with this thing.

Interviewer: Well, sure. You put it through that endfirst, right?

Garth: This is the wrong way. [demonstrates]

Interviewer: That’s wrong.

Garth: That’s the way I – That’s the way I did it.

Interviewer: It looks as if it has been through, uh,quite a great deal. What happened when you got to NewYork?

Garth: Well, when I got to New York, there at the busterminal was a fella dozing.

Interviewer: Uh huh.

Garth: He was a very distinguished looking gentleman,uh, and I said, uh, who do I go to, uh, here in NewYork to sell this tree?

Interviewer: Uh huh.

Garth: He says you go up to Rockefeller Center.

Interviewer: Right.

Garth: So I walked up there–

Interviewer: Did you notice they’d already bought one?It was already up.

Garth: I hadn’t noticed.

Interviewer: Ah.

Garth: So, uh, I get up there and I go in and–

Interviewer: Who did you see first?

Garth: Starter at the elevator.

Interviewer: Ah.

Garth: He gave me a fishy look like I was some kind ofa nut, you know.

Interviewer: Oh, I’m sure.

Garth: I’m no fool.

Interviewer: No.

Garth: And, uh, so I said, “Who do I sell this tree tofor the Christmas season here?” And he said, “Well,gee, I don’t know. He said, I think the man you wantto see is John Chancellor.”

Interviewer: Might be, I suppose. Did you get to see him?

Garth: He wouldn’t let me up the elevator.

Interviewer: Oh, he wouldn’t?

Garth: No. So I stayed down there and, uh–

Interviewer: Did you notice him when he came out?

Garth: No, I was gonna say. What does John Chancellorlook like, you know?

Interviewer: Well, I can’t describe it right now.

Garth: Well, he must’ve slipped by me ’cause I didn’tknow him. So here I am — I’m out, well, I figure thebus fare was sixty dollars.

Interviewer: Yeah.

Garth: This tree is, you know, worth–

Interviewer: It’s not much now. It’s a fire hazard right now.

Garth: Aw, gee, a match, that thing’d go up like this.

Interviewer: Right. Your story has touched all of us,as I said, and we want to make your Christmas a littlebit happier, if we can Mister– What was the name again?

Garth: Parnell W. Garth.

Interviewer: Parnell Garth. Of Tacoma, Washington.

Garth: Yes.

Interviewer: I remembered that. We would like to make…

Garth: Wait!

Interviewer: … your Christmas happier.

Garth: Listen, I don’t want any tears or anything. Ididn’t put all my eggs in one basket.

Interviewer: Ah! You’ve got an ace in the hole?

Garth: You bet. Do you have a few moments?

Interviewer: Yes.

Garth: Like to show you how I’m gonna bail out. No, if this was…

Interviewer: All right.

Garth: … my thing, I’d lose everything.

Interviewer: Oh, you may have a happy Christmas after all, huh?

Garth: I’ll be right back. [rises, exits]

Interviewer: [to the camera] Well, what looked like,uh, it was going to be a completely sad story may turnout a little bit better after all. [loud crash ofshattered glass from off screen] Mr. Garth?

Garth: [returns with a box full of broken coloredglass] This … this is my ace in the hole here.

Interviewer: Sit down. [Garth sits] What do you mean? What–?

Garth: Well, I mean… See, I’m a glass blower by trade.

Interviewer: Uh huh.

Garth: And these are all, uh, handmade…

Interviewer: You made …

Garth: … Christmas decorations that I – I sell toTiffany’s and Saks Fifth Avenue.

Interviewer: Oh, expensive ones, huh?

Garth: Twelve hundred dollars a piece.

Interviewer: You must have fifteen, twenty thousanddollars worth of ornaments in there.

Garth: This is my year’s output. This is all hand-painted.

Interviewer: Well, I’m afraid we–

Garth: This is twenty-four carat gold.

Interviewer: I understand. I’m afraid we do have arather sad story here after all, Mr., uh, Garth. Butwe want to make your Christmas a little bit happierand go back to Seattle with this carpenter’s extensionrule. [pulls a carpenter’s extension rule out of hisjacket pocket and hands it to Garth] I think you’llfind a great deal of use for it. Thank you very muchfor being with us. Happy Christmas.

[Applause. Pull back. Garth, upset, throws thecarpenter’s extension rule down in disgust. Fade.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

White House Lawn Special Event

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
Amy Carter…..Laraine Newman

Announcer: [ over title card ] The 28th Annual U.S.-Taiwan Table Tennis match will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you the following special event from the White House lawn.

[ dissolve to President Jimmy Carter waving on the White House lawn ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening, my fellow Americans. This is my fourth time on television this week. On Wednesday, I lit the White House Christmas tree… on Thursday, I was with Barbara Walters… last night, I recognized China… now here I am again. I’m beginning to feel like Merv!

But, seriously. Tonight, I want to talk about one of my favorite subjects: Energy. You know, most experts believe that we have enough fuel to last through the Winter, assuming we have an uninterrupted flow of oil from our foreign sources, including Iran. Fat chance! Now, I’m not saying that my good friend The Shah is definitely going to be overthrown… but if he is, I doubt that my good friends the Enemies of the Shah will send us the oil we need. And the oil from our new good friends in China won’t be coming ’til the Spring. Therefore, I’m calling a Yuletide Energy Alert — or Y.E.A. — Yea! And I’m asking that ALL Americans conserve energy this holiday season by turning off your Christmas lights. And to kick it off, my daughter Amy… [ Amy steps forward ] My daughter Amy will officially unlight the White House Christmas tree that we lit on Wednesday. Now, whether you’re a child of 6 or 60, everybody gets a rush out of seeing all the lights go out at the same time! Isn’t that right, Sweetheart?

Amy Carter: That’s right, Daddy!

President Jimmy Carter: And what do we say when the lights go out?

Amy Carter: We say “Yea!”

President Jimmy Carter: That’s right, Amy! Okay, here’s the switch. Let ‘er rip!

[ cut to reverse footage of the lights turning off ]

President Jimmy Carter: Yea!

Amy Carter: Yea! Did I do good, Daddy?

President Jimmy Carter: Mmm-hmm. Wasn’t that pretty?

Amy Carter: Yeah!

President Jimmy Carter: Yea!

Amy Carter: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 9

78i: Elliot Gould / Peter Tosh

Goodnights

…..Elliott Gould

Elliott Gould: Yeah, well… this is a gas, and, uh, I want to thank all of you and especially these people here. And I’m beginning to worry what happens when the Not Ready for Primetime Players are ready — they’ve been ready for a long time. These are the most talented people I’ve met. [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! Yeah!

[ Gould shakes Jhon Belushi’s hand ]

John Belushi: Hey!

Announcer: Next week: A “Saturday Night” encore presentation, with host Miskel Spillman and musical guest Elvis Costello. This is don Pardo! Happy Holidays to ALL of you, from all of me. Good night.

SNL Transcripts