Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 6

78f: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

Beach Blanket Bimbo From Outer Space

Surfer…..Alan Zweibel
Sandy…..Laraine Newman
Buzz…..Al Franken
Skeeter…..Jane Curtin
Moondoggie…..Tom Davis
Annette Funicello…..Gilda Radner
Frankie Avalon…..Bill Murray
Princess Leia…..Carrie Fisher
Vincent Price…..Dan Aykroyd
Eric Von Zipper…..John Belushi
Chubby Checker…..Garrett Morris

[ open to the sounds of a variant of The Chantays’ 1963 beach hit “Pipeline” ]

Surfer: Surf’s up!

Sandy: Geee, the beach is fun this year!

Buzz: Remember how much fun we had last year! But this year is the most fun!

Skeeter: Oh gee, I love being tanned and popular!

Sandy: Boy! We really have a lot of fun, considering it’s the 50’s and we’re past puberty and we don’t even have sex yet!

Buzz: And we don’t drink, we don’t smoke dope.. and it’ll be seven years before we hear about acid!

Moondoggie: I just we weren’t sending so many civilian advisors into Vietname, but..

Skeeter: Oh.. stop thinking, Moondoggie! We’re just here to have mindless fun! [ catches sight of Frankie and Annette approaching on the sand ] Hi, Annette! Hi, Frankie!

Annette: Hiiii. [ giggles ]

Frankie: Annette? Do you love me?

Annette: You know I do, Frankie..

Frankie: Prove it! Let me go all the way tonight, huh?

Annette: No!

Frankie: Well, come on! how about third base?

Annette: No!

Frankie: Oh, come on! Second base!

Annette: No!

Frankie: Well, let me.. let me just touch the sides!

Annette: No! Frankie, no! If I let you, you won’t respect me!

Frankie: Annette.. please!

Annette: Oh! Don’t handle the merchandise!

[ sci-fi sound effects are heard ]

Moondoggie: Wow! What’s that?! Is that a flying saucer?!

[ Princess walks up to the gang ]

Buzz: I don’t know.. but I sure hope she stays all summer!

Sandy: Uh-oh.. competition..

Princess Leia: Hi, everybody! I’m from another galaxy, in another time, in another movie! I’m an exchange student from outer space, and I just dropped onto this swell beach! Gee, I.. I sure hope you guys speak English!

Sandy: Well.. we do.. I’m Sandy, and this is Buzz, and Skeeter, and Moondoggy. We’re the popular crowd! [ laughs ]

Skeeter: A clique of middle-class WASPs and Italian teenagers living off our parents until it’s hip to reject them!

Princess Leia: Hi!

Annette: Hi. I-I’m Annette.. and this is my boyfriend Frankie.. and these are my breasts.

Princess Leia: Hi! Hi!

Frankie: Welcome to Party Beach. Say, what’s your name?

Princess Leia: I-I’m Princess Leia!

Frankie: Wowww.. a real princess from outer space.

Buzz: Princess.. Lay.. ah!

[ everyone laughs ]

Annette: You see. this is the 50’s, and nice girls don’t go all the way.

Frankie: And we’re so horny, we’ll laugh at anything that even sounds dirty!

Buzz: No matter how stu-pid it is! [ laughs ]

Surfer: Surf’s up!

Everyone: Yayyyyy!!

Frankie: Say.. Princess Leia. Did you bring a bathing suit?

Sure! [ removes her clothes to reveal a shuny bikini ] Will this do?

[ all the guys whistled, impressed with Princess Leia’s layout ]

Frankie: Talk about heavenly bodies! Wow! She’s outta sight!

Annette: [ miffed ] You two certainly have a lot in common – space! She coems from it, and.. you’ve got a lot between your ears! Come on, girls!

[ the girls stomp away from the beach scene, leaving Frankie and Princess Leia alone ]

Frankie: You know.. Annette’s right. I.. I am interested in.. outer space.. travel.. Say, tell me, Princess – say, on your planet, a guy’s going out with a girl since the beginning of high school. how long should he have to wait until he.. gets under her bra?

Princess Leia: Uh.. usually, until he can get her alone in his car.

Moondoggy: Well, what if he doesn’t have a car?

Princess Leia: Then he should borrow his dad’s.

Buzz: Well.. how old do you have to be on your planet to.. get a driver’s license?

Princess Leia: 16.

Buzz: Ah, nuts! Then I’d have to wait another three months!

[ Vincent Price enters the beach scene ]

Vincent Price: Having fun, kids?

Frankie: Hey! Aren’t you Vincent Price?!

Vincent Price: Who’s your friend, son?

Frankie: This is Princess Leia!

Vincent Price: Hello, Your Highness.

Frankie: Mr. Price, where are you going with all those little cubes of raw meat.

Vincent Price: This is marinated lamb, and I’m.. taking it up the beach.. for a barbecue at the home of a close, personal friend of mine, whos’ a recording artist.

Princess Leia: I bet you’re making shish-kabob!

Vincent Price: Yes!

Princess Leia: I hope you didn’t forget the garlic!

Vincent Price: Leave garlic out of shish-kabob? Honey, I’d sooner slash my wrists. Someday, I’d.. really like to teach you how to cook.

Frankie: Gee.. thanks, Mr. Price.

Vincent Price: Have fun, kids. [ exits ]

Frankie: He sure is friendly – for an older guy, you know?

Princess Leia: Everybody seems to be friendly here!

Frankie: You’d fit in right here on Earth. Say.. I bet you know how to kiss great.

Princess Leia: “Kiss”? What’s “kiss”?

Frankie: You don’t know what “kiss” means?

Princess Leia: No!

Frankie: Well, just close your eyes.. and open your mouth.

[ Princess Leia closes her eyes and opens her mouth, as Frankie makes his move. Annette re-enters the scene and catches him ]

Annette: What are you trying to do, give her artificial respiration?!

Frankie: Uh.. uh.. she had some spinach caught in her teeth.. and I was just trying to help her pull it out!

Annette: Get your meat hooks off of him, Your Highness! He’s my guy!

Princess Leia: Wait a minute! You got me all wrong! I’m no cheap tramp from tomorrow! I’m no space slut!

[ background music pots up, as Princess Leia breaks into a 50’s teen angst song variant ]

Princess Leia: [ singing ]
I’m a teenager from outer spaceTrying to make it in the human race.Although I come from another worldI’m really a very nice girl!

And even though I’m dropping from the skyI would never steal another girl’s guy!I don’t want all the girls to hate meI just want.. the guys to date me!

I want to wear.. a two-piece bathing suitI want to find.. a boy that’s really cute!Writing love letters in the sand dunesBut it’s hard.. when you’re the new kid on Earth!

Chorus:
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi..!

Annette: Gee! Maybe I was a little rough on you!

Princess Leia: Couldn’t we be friends now?

Annette: Sure!

[ they hug ]

Princess Leia: [ continues to sing ]
There’ll come a day, and I hope it’s soonWhether you come from the skies or moon!

Frankie: It won’t matter if you’re green or blue.

Princess Leia: You’ll find.. the boy that’s right for you!

Everyone: I want to wear.. a two-piece bathing suit

Princess Leia: I want to find.. a boy that’s really cute!

Everyone:
Write love letters in the sand dunes
But it’s really hard when you’re the new kid on Earth!
Wo-oh!
You’re the new kid on Earth!

[ suddenly, cool guy Eric Von Zipper enters the scene ]

Frankie: [ awestruck ] Eric Von Zipper!!

Eric Von Zipper: Hey! I heard there was a new broad on the beach! I dig that crazy chick! She’s got mroe curves than the Ventura Freeway!

[ the gang laughs, as Vincent Price re-enters the scene ]

Vincent Price: Hi, kids. Remember that recording artist friend I was telling you about? Well, here he is.

Annette: [ excited ] Hey look, everybody! It’s Chubby Checker!

Everyone: CHUBBY CHECKER?!! WOWWW!!!

Chubby Checker: Hi, gang! Do you kids like to have fun?!

Everyone: YEAHHHH!!!

Chubby Checker: Great! ‘Cause there’s nothing I like better than entertaining white, middle-class kids on the beach! So come on, everybody! Let’s Twist!

[ singing ]

Come on and twist in a two-piece bathing suit
With a girl who’s really cute!

Frankie: [singing ] Thank you, Chubby.. for New Twist.. on Eaaaaaaarth!

Chorus:
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi!
Obi Wan Kenobi..!

[ fade to SUPER: ” Coming up next… We Saved Gidget’s Brain” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Olympia Cafe

Sandy…..Laraine Newman
Patron…..Rosie Shuster
George…..Dan Aykroyd
Nico…..Bill Murray
Gilda…..Gilda Radner
New Waitress…..Garrett Morris
…..Ron Wood
…..Charlie Watts
Pete…..John Belushi
Patron 2…..Anne Beatts

[ open on interior, Olympia Cafe, George grilling six cheeseburgers at once ]

[ at the register, Sandy takes an order over the phone as a patron pays her tab ]

Sandy: All right. [ to George ] Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

George: Cheeseburger, cheesburger, cheeseburger!

Sandy: [ on phone ] No. No fries — chip. [ to Nico ] Chip, chip, chip!

Nico: Chip, chip, chip!

Sandy: [ on phone ] What to drink? No. No Coke — Pepsi. [ to Nico ] Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi, Pepsi, Pepsi!

Sandy: [ on phone ] Ten minutes. [ she hangs up ]

Gilda: Hey, Sandy… why’s everybody so sad around here today?

Sandy: Ah, it’s Pete.

Gilda: What happened?

Sandy: He’s coming back. Today.

Gilda: Well, I thought he was supposed to be away another week. Something happened?

Sandy: Well, he didn’t inherit too much money.

Gilda: You mean, he went all the way to Greece because somebody died?

Sandy: That’s right. His uncle left him money, and if he wanted to get it he had to go all the way to Greece. He didn’t want to go, but everybody said to him, you know, “Oh, you don’t know, it could be lots of money.” So, he went.

Gilda: Well, how much did he get?

Sandy: $400. Not even enough to pay for the plane ticket.

Gilda: Well, he’ll be excited when he gets back and sees how you fixed up the place!

Sandy: That’s right. You know, uh… [ she points to the far wall ] that mural there, that was Nico’s idea. He painted it himself.

Gilda: Ohhh.

[ zoom in on the mural across the room ]

Sandy: That is Potmos. It is down where Pete had to go to get his money. See? The only way to get there is by donkey. See?

[ Nico steps forward, smiling shyly ]

Gilda: Oh! You did that, Nico?

[ Nico smiles and points shyly ]

Gilda: Oh!

[ a new waitress walks up to the grill ]

New Waitress: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. Uh, four chips, four Pepsis.

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

George brings a cheeseburger to Ron Wood ]

George: Okay, what to drink?

Ron Wood: I’ll have a Pepsi.

George: Pepsi!

Nico: Pepsi!

George: [ to Charlie Watts ] Finished?

Charlie Watts: Yeah.

[ George picks up the half-eaten cheeseburger and shoves it into his mouth ]

[ Nico brings Ron Wood his Pepsi ]

Nico: Pepsi. [ he holds up a pepper grinder ] Pepper?

Ron Wood: [ thinks about it ] Yeah, just a little.

Nico: Say when! [ he begins to grind ]

Ron Wood: That’s fine.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay?

Ron Wood: Yeah. That’s okay.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: When!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: Right.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Okay.

Ron Wood: Yeah.

Nico: [ still grinding ] Say when.

Ron Wood: WHEN!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] When?

Ron Wood: YES!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] Yes?

Ron Wood: NO!!

Nico: [ still grinding ] No? No.

Ron Wood: No!

Nico: [ he stops grinding ] Okay.

[ the phone rings ]

Sandy: [ answering ] Olympia! [ pause ] Nico!

[ Pete appears in the window as Nico takes the phone ]

Gilda: Hey, everybody! There’s Pete!

[ Nico quickly hangs up the phone and returns to his position behind the counter ]

[ a dejected Pete slowly enters the cafe ]

[ everyone greets Pete ]

Gilda: Hi, Pete! How was Greece? [ Pete doesn’t say a word ] Uh — uh — the place sure looks different, doesn’t it!

Sandy: Look, Pete, uh — red vests! Uh, just like, uh, dinner garden!

Gilda: And, uh — look at — look at this mural over here, uh — Nico did it!

[ Pete doesn’t look impressed, then, finally: ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs a boothful of customers and yanks them toward the door ]

Patron 2: But we weren’t finished eating!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete grabs the new waitress and hurls her toward the door ]

New Waitress: But I work here!

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete tosses Ron Wood and Charlie Watts out the door ]

Pete: OUT!! OUT!! OUT!!

[ Pete slams the door shut and flips the CLOSED sign around ]

[ Gilda cmes running back in ]

Gilda: Pete! Come back! Somebody’s driving away your car! Maybe we should call the Police or something!

[ Pete looks out into the street, then closes the door dejectedly ]

Gilda: Um — Pete! Pete, don’t worry — you’ll probably get it back.

Pete: My wife.

Gilda: [ confused ] Your wife was in the car? [ he nods ] I thought I saw somebody sitting in the back seat. He probably didn’t see her. He probably just saw the keys and drove off.

[ feeling a migraine coming ] My luggage.

Gilda: Your luggage was in there, too?

[ Pete sighs heavily, then slumps his body at the counter ]

Gilda: Sandy? Do you think it’d be alright if I ordered some food to go? [ Sandy nods ] Uh — two cheeseburgers, two Pepsis.

Sandy: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger! Pepsi, Pepsi!

George: Cheeseburger, cheeseburger!

[ Nico just stares down at Pete, who, aggravated by his lack of work eithics, jumps to his feet and slaps Nico with a menu ]

Pete: PEPSI, PEPSI, PEPSI!!!

[ zoom out, with SUPER: “coming up next… Dirty Aerial Photographs” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Tomorrow

Tom Snyder…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Mick Jagger

[ Music Open: “Miss You”, Rolling Stones ]

Tom Snyder: Good evening, everybody, welcome to the “Tomorrow” show. At the outset of the program tonight, I’d like to clear something up that ticked me off when I heard about it. There’s a, uh.. there’s a newsman who works at KNBC in Los Angeles – his name is Paul Moyer, he’s a local news anchorman. Today, somebody walked up to me and said, “Tom, you know that guy, Paul Moyer – gee, he looks and sounds a lot like you.” Well, this afternoon, somebody else comes up and says, “Tom, is it true Paul Moyer from Auburn News will be replacing you on the “Tomorrow” show?” Well, my gosh, Paul Moyer and I used to work together, and.. I watched the news the other night. This guy does sound and look a little bit like me, but as far as Tom Snyder being replaced on the “Tomorrow” show, well.. [ fuming ] ..that’s just a lot of bunk! There’s no way he’s gonna get Tom Snyder’s show! ‘Cause I know, if they ever threw me out of here, Bobby Brown – and the rest of the guys in the crew – would end up coming with me, we’d do it in my living room, and we’d put the damn thing in syndication! Well, that’s that!

Anyway.. my guest tonight is a man who’s familiar to anybody who owns a hi-fi set. He’s a member of a pop group – The Rolling Stones – and his name is Mr. Mick Jagger!

[ Mick Jagger enters set and sits ]

Tom Snyder: Now, sir.. sir, I guess my first question to you is, sir: Why “Mick Jagger”? Why the name Jagger, what does it mean?

Mick Jagger: Well, it’s my name.. uh.. it was my father’s name.. uh..

Tom Snyder: Alright. Fair enough, I’ll buy that. [ solemn for a second ] Get off my cloud!

Mick Jagger: [ confused ] Get off my cloud?

Tom Snyder: The.. the song! “Get Off My Cloud”. It was one of the best singles you guys ever did, and I’ll tell you why: I was working with in Westinghouse Industries back in the fifties – not in the coaster division, in the broadcasting division. And there was a unit manager, he used to get me so.. teed off! I used to feel like saying to him, “Get the heck off my cloud!” You ever feel like saying, “Heck! I’m Mick Jagger, I’ve got a few hit records, I can afford to take some time off and do whatever the heck I want!” you ever feel that way?

Mick Jagger: Yeah, uh.. I suppose I do. I mean, we did a tour that was really successful.. and I went crazy, I guess a little crazy afterward – I put a barbecue and a swimming pool in the back yard.

Tom Snyder: Well, Mick, I know exactly what you mean. You know, there’s nothing like a good old-fashioned barbecue. You start cooking up the steaks, the smell of a char-broiling attracts everybody the next day – I find myself feeding the whole neighborhood.

Mick Jagger: That’s the fun of a barbecue!

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha! Well, yes, sir! I’ll buy that, sir!

Mick Jagger: Ever since we put the pool in the house, old friends that we haven’t seen for a little while, they just drop in more often. Rod and Babs do it.. Eric.. they love to come over and beat the heat.

Tom Snyder: Well, sir, it’s a hot life you lead. You know, speaking of heat, boy you’re quite the dancer. I saw your show in Tucson, and some of those moves, I wouldn’t think the human body would be capable of moving like that! They were terrific, Mick! Really!

Mick Jagger: Thank you. Which ones.. you know.. which particular ones did you care for?

Tom Snyder: Well, uh.. the little thing with your leg, you know? The little walk.. you know, the little things you do, all those little moves..

Mick Jagger: Well, you know, which one do you want to show me?

Tom Snyder: Show me? What do you mean?

Mick Jagger: Well, let’s get a little bit of room here.. [ stands up, moves coffee table aside ]

Tom Snyder: [ stands ] Alright, now let’s get a wide shot of this – I can boogie just like the next guy! I mean, the ltitle walk.. [demonstrates ] You know, the big thing with your leg.. [ demonstrates further ]

Mick Jagger: Mmm-hmm.. mmm-hmm.. yeah.. yeah.. yeah..

Tom Snyder: Those moves there. Ha ha ha ha!

Mick Jagger: You know, I think you clearly missed your calling in life.

Tom Snyder: What.. what do you mean? You think I should have been a dancer, or something?

Mick Jagger: Oh, not for a living.

Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha! Speaking of relaxation, Mick.. I just do it to fool around, you know? I like to dance. You know, I noticed on the covers of one of your singles, released in 1966, “Have You Seen Your Mother, Babies, Standing In The Shoadw” – could we see that. [ shows cover ] You guys seem to be guys that enojy dressing up as girls now and again!

Mick Jagger: Well, it’s not such a.. really.. big deal, you know.. dressing up as a woman. This was just.. more.. a theatrical device we used.

Tom Snyder: Ha! Well, all I know is, I’ve got a pink woman’s housecoat at home, and a pair of fuzzy pink slppers, and heck! I didn’t buy them because they’re ladies things – I bought them because, dammit, they’re comfortable! I don’t care if they are ladies garments!

Mick Jagger: I know you don’t, Tom – it doesn’t surpise me at all. In fact, I still have a little push-up bra, that we used on the cover. You can have it, if you want.

Tom Snyder: [ excited ] Really! I can have that!

Mick Jagger: Yeah. I don’t need it.. any more.

Tom Snyder: Well, alright, that would be great, Mick! I’ll take ypu up on that! Thank you so much for joining us! You know, I just want to say that, when they told me you were doing the show, I was, frankly, quite apprehensive. You know? I heard you were a little bit of a cut-up, a kind of a hellion – I don’t know what kind of hijinks to expect from guys like you. But, here you are, you’re a well-behaved youg man, and, frankly, sir, I am surprised!

Mick Jagger: Well, Tom, thank you.. that’s nice of you. You know, before I came here, I heard a few things about you.. and.. I heard you were slow, and a bit thick.. a kind of a dim bulb.. But, now that I’ve met you, you know, I know you can’t help it.

Tom Snyder: Well, thank you very much, sir! You’re welcomed back any time! We’ve been talk-

Mick Jagger: Excuse me, Tom. One thing, you know, before we finish up.

Tom Snyder: Yes. Anything at all, sir.

Mick Jagger: Throughout this entire interview, one thing that’s fascinated me..

Tom Snyder: Yes, sir?

Mick Jagger: ..is the extraordinary variety of colors in your hair. There must be at least twelve. I mean, there’s grey, and black, and blue, and green..

Tom Snyder: Green? Ha ha! I didn’t know about the spot of green there, Mick! Join us tomorrow on “Tomorrow”, when we’ll be talking with a group of bee farmers who claim that Elvis Presley’s ghost is responsible for a mysterious series of area cattle mutilations in the Midwest. Good night, everybody!

[ pull out for audience wide shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… Disco Dentistry” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Network Battle of the T’s and A’s

[ open on animated “NBC See Us” logo ]

Announcer: Next Friday night on NBC, an all-star celebrity sport spectactular: Network Battle of the T’s & A’s.

[ show various gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

The biggest stars, with the biggest T’s, and the nicest A’s!

Featuring Cheryl Ladd; “Wonder Woman” Lynda Carter; Suzanne Somers; Lola Falana; Valerie Perrine and Adrienne Barbeau.

[ more gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

All your favorite T’s & A’s, including “Hootchie Cootchie” girl Charo; and special guest star Carol Wayne; plus the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders.

[ more gratuitous close-ups of bouncing breasts and covered butts ]

Network Battle of the T’s & A’s. Friday at 10:00, 4:30 Central, 2:00 Mountain.

[ fade ]

[ on a later repeat, this filmed bit dissolves to a pan of the studio audience with SUPER: “did you know… Lingusits Rarely Achieve Simultaneous Translation?” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna…..Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update”, with the “Weekend Udpdate” news team. Brought to you by Goatex: the sanitary napkin for your nanny. Here are co-anhorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. And, before we start the news, I want to announce a personnel change here at “Weekend Update”. Dan Aykroyd, who had been by co-anchorperson, has been kicked upstairs to Station Manager. Needless to say, we all wish him luck and sincerely hope he does a better job as Station Manager than he did as newscaster! But I am happy to say that Dan is being replaced a most capable, highly respected broadcast-journalist, who will report the news with credibility and dignity. Please welcome Mr. Bill Murray.

[ the audience applauds ]

Bill Murray: [ hoarsely ] Hello, you maniacs! Well, they’ve got me doing the hard news this year, and I LOVE it! It’s incredible! I’ve been reading up on things that have been going on, and I’ll tell you something: it’s opened up a whole new world to me! It’s fascinating stuff. Take our top story or tonight, for example:

There’s a war going on in Beirut, Lebanon. 700 people have been KILLED this week. Now, as I understand it, Syria is trying to draw Israel into a war so that Israel won’t sign a treaty with Egypt. Now, this is incredible: the Jews — Egyptians! — are trying to be good, but the Syrians won’t LET ’em! I mean, we have NOTHING like this is show business! I mean, yeah — some backstabbers, sure. But, I mean, I get into an argument with somebody — if it gets to where we’re going to throw punches, I turn around and walk away. You know? But these people are using guns, they’re using artillery, they’re dropping bombs — I mean, I get mad at Columbia Pictures, what am I gonna do? Go over there and drop a BOMB on them? You know what my name would be in this town, or any other? M-U-D-H-I-T. And I mean that. Anyway, something has got to be done about this war. I mean, Syria is just way the H out of line on this, I’m telling you. Jane, it’s incredible! Do the hard news, and you’ll learn a lot about people. Wow! Ouch!

[ image: President Jimmy Carter ] Now, here’s a story. I don’t even know why it’s here. Congress sustains a veto on a water project. Who cares?! There are peole being KILLED in Lebanon! [ he slams the report on the desk ]

The A.M.A. — D.E.S. — Cancer of the cervix — [ pauses ] I think there’s certain things that shouldn’t be talked about on TV, and this is one of them!

The selection process for the Pope. [ he pauses ] We did this a MONTH ago! Look, Jane — have you got anything interesting over there, honey?

Jane Curtin: As most of you around the country are aware, we here in New York have been having a newspaper strike for a couple of months, and New Yorkers have had to rely almost solely on rumor for their information. So, for you New Yorkers, “Weekend Update” would like to clear up just a few of those rumors. First of all, Julie Nixon Eisenhower did NOT bear a Mongoloid baby. Convicted Son of Sam slayer, David Berkowitz, is NOT engaged to Phyllis George. John Paul I did NOT die in his sleep last week, but he WAS buried last Thursday.

Bill Murray: Now… here’s an interesting story: this week, the Senate voted 60 to 36 to extend the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to June 30th, 1982. And that is the subject of tonight’s Point-Counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: [ fueled ] Bill, the argument that the extension of ERA is unconstitutional is full of the same substance that YOU are full of! Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that Congress cannot extend the ratification period! You pigs simply grab at any excuse to keep women in a subservient role! To be exploited as vapid sex objects like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! ERA needs the time to clear upthose vicious misconceptions and lies spread by its opponents! ERA will NOT mandate military service for women, unisex bathrooms, and the abolition of alimony, Bill! Put THAT in your jockstrap and SNAP IT, Bill!

[ the audience squeals ]

Bill Murray: [ slightly offended ] Well, Jane, you know something, uh… you’ve got a point there! Uhhh — I’ve been flip-flopping on this issue all along, to tell you the truth, and, uh — at first, I was all for it. But then, somebody told me about this bathroom thing, and I… I know from experience that it can take me up to fifteen minutes to urinate if there is a girl in the same room. Uh — so then I heard the women didn’t want it, so I figured if the women didn’t want it, then why FORCE it on them? And, now, you, Jane, uh… you know, a woman, uhhh, coming OUT for it… obviously, you know what you’re talking about. I’ve changed my mind! You’ve changed it all around! Now, what should we do on a thing like this? I mean, do we send telegrams, or… what do we say? I mean, hey! State legislators! GET ON THE BALL!!!

[ Jane is obviously dumbstruck by a Poiint-Counterpoint in which the same point is presented by both parties ]

Bill Murray: Alright, uh — [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! This is great! We’re getting something done here! Alright!

A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! GREAT news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse. [ he holds up the device ] Now, it’s called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here — enough for three inceptions. They’re not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane — a whole year’s supply for ya’!

[ he tosses it to her and laughs ]

Oh, it’s just so TIGHT! And I got you with THAT one, Jane! Great!

[ Jane fakes a smile ]

Jane Curtin: Here’s some good news: The world’s second test-tube baby was born Tuesday in Calcutta. Doctors there predict that now all Indian women, even those sterilized by the previous government, will be able to have more children. And, what’s more, the procedure is so inexpensive that even the poorest Indians can afford it. As for the seven-pound, six-ounce girl, mother and daughter are both starving comfortably.

In the last few years, discos have become a big part of the entertainment scene. Now here to file her report on one of New York’s more popular discotheques, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thank you! A Mr. Richard Fader from Frot Lee, New Jersey writes: “Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, tell me about Studio 54. Why is it so hard to get in? Can I get in? Do I gotta get a ticket to get in? Do I gotta know someone to get in? Do I gotta be famous to get in? What’s it like when I do get in, and if I do get in, is it real hard to get out?” Mr. Fader, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey! But you wrote to the right lady! ‘Cause last night, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, went to Studio 54! ‘Cause I love to dance! I don’t want to brag, but I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, can really shake, shake, shake, shake my booty! And, besides, I wanted to see how the “beautiful” people get crazy.

So I go in, and who do I see first but that fancy designer Mr. Halston. And he looked so depressed, I thought he was gonna DIE!! And then I noticed that he wasn’t wearing sensible shoes. He was dancing in these tight, black, sleazy, ankle-high boots — the kind you imagine that Frankie Valli wears? Well, anyway — Halston shows me how the inside of his shoe scraped against the heel of his foot, and he got a big blister! And the blister BROKE, so he put a Band-aid on it. Well, then the shoe started rubbing against the Band-aid, and then the Band-aid gets all curled up and gets this liquid stuff on it — you don’t know WHAT it is! I man, that guy may be one of the beautiful people, but his foot made me SICK!

[ Roseanne Roseannadanna stops to put Mr. Richard Fader’s letter back in its envelope ]

Jane Curtin: Is — is that all? Is that all you have to say about the place? Isn’t there anything else?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: I mean… do they serve food? Is there a band? What’s the sound system like? Are there black lights? Is there a bar? Is it in a good neighborhood? Do you gotta know somebody to get in? Is it al lit’s cracked up to be? You know?

[ Jane frantically waves her arms around, only to be mimicked by a singing Roseanne Roseannadanna ]

Jane Curtin: Roseanne! Roseanne! Roseanne! Studio 54 is supposed to be very chic and glamorous, and everybody wants to know about it. What’s it like in there?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane — just between you and me… it’s crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys… girls dancing with girls… guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys… girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves… guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs. It’s just like my father always used to say to me before I went to bed. [ she turns her gaze to Jane’s ear ] He said: “Roseanne Roseannadanna, Studio 54 is just like Jane’s ear. From the outside, it’s very pretty and could be very glamorous with jewelry and diamonds and glitter, very attractive and very nice and everything… but on the inside, it’s real dark and it’s got some weird stuff in there, I don’t know WHAT it is! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!”

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2


]]>



Saturday Night Live:
The Complete Fourth Season on DVD

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


October 14th, 1978

Fred Willard

Devo

None

None

Alan Zweibel

Honker in the AudienceSummary: Honker (Bill Murray) wanders into the audience with the assumption that he’s at a Yankee game.

Recurring Characters: Honker.

Montage

Fred Willard’s MonologueSummary: Fred Willard fools the audience with his Elvis performance, then does a stand-up routine about a kid in school who grabbed his crotch as a punchline for every joke.

Two Guys Who Are LawyersSummary: No lawsuit is too sleazy for Two Guys who are lawyers (Dan Aykroyd, Fred Ward) to pursue.

Recurring Characters: Patty Hearst.

Transcript

Cliff Preston, Aging StuntmanSummary: Aging stuntman Cliff Preston (John Belushi) continuously injures himself on the job while performing a five-foot jump.

Devo performs “Satisfaction”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray debuts his “Celebrity Corner” segment by interviewing Lucille Ball (Gilda Radner) and her husband Gary Morton (Alan Zweibel). Dan Aykroyd expresses his personal offense with the revealing outfits worn by cheerleaders these days.

Recurring Characters: Lucille Ball.

Transcript

Five A.M.Summary: A drunken five a.m. phone call on Mary’s (Laraine Newman) line leads to a get-together with her ex-boyfriend, just as soon as her one-night stand (Fred Willard) leaves the apartment.

Transcript

On the SpotSummary: Joan Face (Jane Curtin) interviews Irwin Mainway (Dan Aykroyd) about the non-nutritional school lunch program contract he has been awarded.

Recurring Characters: Joan Face, Irwin Mainway.

Transcript

Mr. Bill Goes to New YorkSummary: Mr. Bill continues to be abused by Sluggo and Mr. Hands, even while on vacation in New York City.

Transcript

Bobbi Farber on the PhoneSummary: Bobbi Farber (Gilda Radner) tells her mother over the phone that she wants to change her kids’ names because everyone else’s kids have the same names,then she can’t get the old lady off the line.

Recurring Characters: Bobbi Farber.

CrossroadsSummary: Cuckolded late night clergyman’s (Fred Willard) sermon tells the stoy of Mohab(?) (John Belushi), an ancient Israelite who longed to worship one god for all purposes, and accepts a test of faith from God (Don Pardo) by sacrificing his idiot son Schlomo (Bill Murray).

The Scotch BoutiqueSummary: Things are slow now at The Scotch Boutique, the new minimall speciality shop that caters specifically to Scotch tape and photocopies, but manager Walker (Fred Willard) is certain things are going to be pick up once people get used to his bold business concept.

Recurring Characters: Floyd Hunger, Jenny Rocker, Kevin.

Transcript

Booji BoySummary: In a short film by Devo, baby-faced Booji Boy delivers a file that details the truth about de-evolution on their planet.

Devo performs “Jocko Homo”

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Five A.M.

Mary…..Laraine Newman
Guy…..Fred Willard

[ open on interior, apartment, night ]

[ cue ringing telephone at nightstand ]

[ Mary groggily reaches out to answer the telephone ]

Mary: Hello? … Is who here? … David? No, David is not here, David does not live here any more. [ she looks at the clock ] It’s five o’clock in the morning! … Well, you SHOULD be! You sound very loaded. … Who is this? … Yes, I’m sure you’re a friend of David’s, but he’s NOT here! … Alright, alright… [ she reaches over to turn on a lamp and fumble for an address book. The man lying next to her wakes up with mild curiosity in his sleepy eyes ] Okay, I got the number. … The last number I have for him is 5-5-5-7-0-9-8. [ she hangs up ] Goodbye, and you’re welcome.

Guy: Everything okay?

Mary: Yeah. It was just some woman calling for the number of a guy who used to live here.

Guy: Ah.

Mary: Boy, was she drunk.

Guy: Hmm…

Mary: I probably shouldn’t have given her the number. He could at least tell his girlfriends not to call here.

Guy: Yeah… I guess he could. [ he rolls over ]

Mary: We were together for two years.

Guy: Mmm.

Mary: I don’t know what happened, I guess it just wasn’t happening.

Guy: Well, that happens. [ he rolls back over ]

Mary: The main thing was… that we had conflicting careers: I worked, and he didn’t. And then one night, I threw a clock-radio at his head, and things were never quite the same. You know?

Guy: Oh. [ he leans upward ] Listen… tonight was really special for me. You know? And, uh… uh… [ thinking ]

Mary: Mary.

Guy: Mary. It was — really — it was really special. Uh — anyway, I gotta get home and change my clothes before I go to work in the morning, anyway, so maybe I should be rolling along…

Mary: [ as she lights a cigarette ] No, it’s okay. Stay.

Guy: You’re sure it’s okay?

Mary: Sure. [ the telephone rings ] Ohhh… [ she answers the telephone ] Hello! … Oh, hello, David. … YES, I gave it to her! … Well, how did she get THIS number?! … David, don’t start with me! What do you think I am, your answering service? I really need your drunk bimbos calling me at five in the morning, and I really need you calling me after three months just to give me grief!

Guy: Look, uh… I think I’ll be going…

Mary: No, it’s okay. Stay. Get some sleep. [ into the telephone ] LIKE HELL, I DID!! YOU WALKED OUT ON ME!! … Well, it’s NOT the way I saw it! … [ casually ] Do you have a cold, or something? Are you taking care of yourself? [ she giggles ] Wha-a-at?! Wha-a-at?

Guy: Maybe I’ll run along…

Mary: [ whispering ] No. Stay. [ into the telephone ] No, there’s no one here. [ she puts a silent finger to her lips ]

Guy: I’ll go.

Mary: [ waving for the guy to stay, as she continues her conversation ] Never mind what I’m wearing. … Well, I’d like to see you sometime. … No, I’ve only been going out with creeps.

Guy: [ his tail practically between his legs ] Look… I’d better go.

Mary: [ shaking her head no ] No! [ into the telephone ] What? … No, now, I can’t. No. I really can’t now. [ she giggles ] Stop it!

Guy: Yeah. I — I think I will. I’m gonna go. [ he sits up and begins to put his socks back on ]

Mary: It’s up to you. [ into the telephone ] Alright, how soon can you be here?

Guy: Have you seen my other shoe?

Mary: [ into the telephone ] Better make it twenty. … Alright, I’ll see you then. … I love you, too. [ she hangs up ]

Guy: [ as he pulls up his pants ] Here it is. I found my other shoe.

Mary: Oh, yeah. Uh — your coat’s over there on the chair.

Guy: O-kay. I’ll be out in just a minute.

[ as she rubs lotion on her hands ] Mary: It’s been lovely meeting you.

Guy: Thanks. [ he grabs his shirt ] Listen, I had a great time.

Mary: Oh, really? I’m glad.

Guy: [ desperately ] You look great.

Mary: Thank you!

Guy: [ as he puts on his t-shirt ] Look — maybe we could, uh — you know — sometime, again…

Mary: [ as she brushes her hair ] Uh, yeah — maybe.

Guy: [ as he puts on his jacket ] Well… as I said, I had a real nice time.

Mary: Oh, good, I’m glad. Listen… take care, and good luck. Bye. [ she kisses his cheek ]

Guy: Bye. [ heapproaches the door, then glances at a pizza box on the chair ] Oh, gee… I hate to even mention it, but… you know, I only deliver this stuff.

Mary: Ohhh, of course. I’m sorry. How much was that?

Guy: Well… for the mushroom and pepperoni, $4.95. THe Cokes were a dollar-twenty. So, you got, what, about six dollars and fifteen cents.

Mary: Soooo, with a tip, that’s what?

Guy: Uhhh…

Mary: $7.50?

Guy: Ah, what the heck! Forget it! The treat’s on me!

Mary: Oh. Thank you.

Guy: It’s nothing! [ he crumbles the receipt ] Okay. [ he exits the room, then peeks back in ] Listen: if you ever need home delivery again, the number’s on the box. [ no response, so he quietly exits for good ]

[ pull out to wide shot of set ]

[ SUPER: “coming up next… Jacques Brel — still in Paris, not at all well” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Goodnights

…..Fred Willard

Fred Willard: Good night, and thank you!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Mr. Bill Goes To New York

Mr. Hands: Hey kids it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(Curtain rises to show Mr. Bill holding a NYC pennant.)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho kiddies Yay! Oh we’re going to have a great time today because we’re moving to New York City yay! And here’s our tour guide Mr. Hands yay!

Mr. Hands: (Holding a New York-English Dictionary) Hey Mr. Bill. Are you all ready for the Big Apple?

Mr. Bill: Oh I sure am Mr. Hands and say can you take me to the Statue Of Liberty huh?

Mr. Hands: Sure but first let’s take a subway ride to your best friend, Mr. Sluggo’s house. (Places Mr. Bill in the doorway in the train car)

Mr. Bill: Oh Mr. Hands but you know I’d rather see the Statue of– (The door closes on Mr. Bill’s arm.) Noooooooooooo! (and takes off)

(Cut to a street.)

Mr. Hands: Well here we are in beautiful downtown Manhattan. And guess who’s coming to visit?

Mr. Bill: Who’s that huh?

Mr. Hands: (Sings) “Here comes Mr. Bill’s dog.” (Molds Spot into shape)

Mr. Bill: Yay it’s my dog Spot. How are you doing Spot huh? (Sluggo appears) Oh no! That Mr. Sluggo is going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No he just says Spot has to go.

Mr. Bill: Go where huh? (Sees a sign that says “Leash, Gutter up and clean up after your dog. Please” and laughs. Spot is placed on the curb of the street.) Oh sure sure! I’m sure glad you don’t do it on the rug anymore. Ha ha ha ha ha! (A passing car comes along and flattens Spot.) No no wait no wait! No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: (Picking Spot up with clamps.) The new law says you have to clean up after your dog.

Mr. Bill: Oh why why!

(Cut to inside a taxi cab)

Mr. Hands: Now for some shopping at the famous Macy’s department store! (He takes Mr. Bill inside and they go on the escaltor)

Mr. Bill: Yay! Say can you buy me some new clothes?

Mr. Hands: Sure! Let’s ride the escalator. And maybe we’ll pick you up a new pair of shoes. Huh?

Mr. Bill: No but you know I don’t ride the escalator too well Mr. Hands (Mr. Hands holds Mr. Bill and up at the top the escalator seperates Mr. Bill’s feet from him.) No wait no! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh!

Mr. Hands: Now for a visit to the top of the Empire State Building.

Mr. Bill: But you know I’m afraid of heights.

Mr. Hands: (Places Mr. Bill closer to the edge of the building.) Let’s get a little more closer for a more spectacular view.

Mr. Bill: No! No! No! No! (Mr. Hands drops Mr. Bill all the way down the ESB where he lands on top of a cab.)Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long! Hope you’ve had a great time. See you next show when Mr. Bill moves into his new apartment. Bye bye!

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “did you know… that the original title of Shakespeare’s “Taming of the Shrew” was “Get Christie Love” “]

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

The Scotch Boutique

Jenny … Gilda Radner
Floyd Hunger … Dan Aykroyd
Walker … Fred Willard
1st Woman … Jane Curtin
Kevin … John Belushi
1st Man … Garrett Morris
2nd Man … Bill Murray
2nd Woman … Laraine Newman

[Image of the interior of a large shopping mall. Weslowly zoom in on one of the stores which has agraphic of a Scotch tape dispenser above the door.Dissolve to the interior of the store where agray-suited man hurriedly enters to be greeted byJenny the cashier who polishes a tape dispenser andplaces it on a display rack.]

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique! Can Ihelp you?

Floyd Hunger: I sure hope so. I’m Floyd Hunger fromnext door, uh, Hunger’s Men’s Shop. I hate to say it,we blew a fuse in the stock room. I can’t believe it,I’m all out, you know, and I wondered if you had anextra one.

[Elsewhere in the store (which sells nothing butScotch tape — dispensers line the walls andcountertops), we see Mr. Walker, the pipe smokingstore owner, who wears a red plaid vest which matchesthe Scotch plaid wallpaper. Also visible is Kevin thestock boy who sits on a stool in the rear, reading acomic book.]

Walker: [very pleasant] Sure. I always keep an extraone. You never can tell. [Walker searches under thestore’s copy machine for a fuse.]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, great, great. Hey, listen, I’m sorryI haven’t had a chance to come by and, uh, you know,say hello and everything. Uh, you just moved in butwe’ve been real busy.

Walker: Mm hm. Thirty amp, okay? [offers a new fuse]

Floyd Hunger: [takes the new fuse] Oh, yeah. Just whatI need. [compares the new fuse to the burnt out one inhis hand] Fact, it’s even my brand. [he and Walkershare a laugh] Thanks a lot. [moves to Jenny thecashier and pays for the fuse]

Walker: No, no, no, no. That’s okay. That’s okay. Iwon’t hear of it, no. [takes money from Jenny andreturns it to Floyd]

Floyd Hunger: Oh, gee, well, thanks. That’s sure niceo’ ya. Listen, if ever I can return the favor, I’mright down the mall here, next door.

Walker: How’s business for you? Good, eh?

Floyd Hunger: [enthusiastic] Aw, it’s terrific! Thismall’s a great location, you know. They did a goodmarket survey on it. We’ve been doing really, really,um– [suddenly notices Walker and Jenny look downcast]really, well, you know. [tries to be reassuring] It -it’s gonna pick up, this business’ll pick up.

Jenny: [tries to look on the bright side] Ah, we -we’ve only been here for two months and it’s, uh, justgonna take us a little longer to get established.

Walker: [lighting his pipe] Yeah, you know, whenyou’re working with a brand new, fresh idea, it’salways a little harder. You know, um, most people areused to buying their – their tape when they go to thesupermarket or drug store, you know. What we’ve got todo is turn their thinking around so they make aspecial trip down here to the Scotch Boutique whenthey want, uh, tape.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, look, uh, you know, you’ve probablythought of this but have you ever considered adding,uh, other prod– you know, products like, uh, paperclips, uh, stationery, you know, things like that?

Walker: Well, as a matter of fact, we just put in thiscopy machine. It was Jenny’s idea. Did you see oursign out front? “Copies – nine cents.”

Floyd Hunger: Hm.

Walker: Aw, we barely break even but, the way I figureit, we’re gonna bring in customers who might buy tape.

Floyd Hunger: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Well, uh, if ever I needany copying done, I’ll be, uh, be sure to come back.Thanks again, uh– [starts out the door, then stops -decides to do these poor souls a favor] You know,[snaps his fingers] I’d better take a roll o’ tapewith me. I know I’m gonna be needin’ it back there atthe store.

Jenny: [thrilled] Oh, what size would you like?

Floyd Hunger: Well, just – just regular’d be fine.

Jenny: Well, regular width or length? How about athirty-six footer?

Floyd Hunger: Well, sure. Is that the regular kind or, uh …?

Walker: [helpfully, to Jenny] Why don’t you show himthe seventy-two footer? It’s quite a savings.

Floyd Hunger: Uh, it’s – it’s okay. I’m in kind o’ ahurry. I gotta get back to the store so this’ll befine.

Jenny: All right, fine.

[Jenny bags up the tape. Floyd drops a dollar on thecounter and crosses to Walker.]

Floyd Hunger: Uh …

Jenny: [puts bag on the counter] Here you go.

Floyd Hunger: [shakes Walker’s hand] Hey, listen,thanks again for the fuse, really.

Walker: Don’t mention it.

Jenny: [rings up the sale] That’ll be fifty-nine cents– out of one. [hands Floyd his change] There you go.Thanks a lot.

Walker: [to Floyd] If you ever need any more tape orsome copying done, you know where to come.

Floyd Hunger: [reassuringly] Well, when this roll runsout, I’m comin’ right back here.

Jenny: Come again.

Floyd Hunger: Yeah. [exits]

Walker: Kevin, I think we need another fifty-ninecenter up here.

[Walker points with his pipe to an empty spot on thedisplay case that used to hold the tape Floyd justpurchased. Kevin looks up from his comic book, risesfrom his stool, sticks the rolled-up book into theback pocket of his jeans and exits into the stockroom. Walker lights his pipe. A woman enters the storefrom the mall.]

1st Woman: Hi.

Jenny: [cheerfully] Welcome to Scotch Boutique!

Walker: Welcome.

1st Woman: Thank you. Could I get a copy of this,please? [hands Jenny a piece of paper]

Jenny: [takes paper, cheerfully] How many, please?

1st Woman: One.

Jenny: [a little disappointed, hands the paper to Walker] One.

[Walker takes the paper to the copy machine as the woman looks on.]

Walker: Need any tape today?

1st Woman: Uh, not today, thanks.

[Walker starts the copy machine, then looks the woman over.]

Walker: Say, didn’t you come in here about a week agoand buy some tape from us?

1st Woman: Yeah.

Walker: [as much to Jenny as to the woman] Isn’t thatsomething! You were in here before and now you’re backagain!

1st Woman: Right. Yeah.

Walker: How’d that, uh, tape work out? Okay?

1st Woman: Oh! [nods] Oh, good, good. Yeah. Sticks really well.

Walker: Fine.

Jenny: Uh, that’ll be, uh, nine cents, please. [Womantakes copy and original from Walker, gives Jenny adime] Out of ten? Okay. [Jenny rings up the sale andmakes change] Here you go. Thanks a lot.

1st Woman: Thank you. [starts to leave]

Walker: If you need any more copying done or any moretape, you know where to come.

1st Woman: [nods, smiles] Right.

Jenny: Come again.

[The woman exits. Kevin returns from the stock roomwith a roll of tape.]

Kevin: I couldn’t find any more open boxes offifty-nine centers back there in the stock room so I -I – I had to open up a box of one thousand.

Jenny: [distressed] You opened up a box of onethousand? Now, we can’t send it back!

Walker: [for the first time, his pleasantnessevaporates – he seems suddenly defeated] I knew it.[to Jenny] You don’t believe in this place, do ya? Youdon’t believe in me.

Jenny: [tries to be reassuring] Honey, honey, I do. Ido. It’s just that it’s been two months.

Walker: [deeply serious] Listen, a business takes timeto build. It isn’t done overnight. Nobody makes moneytheir first couple of months. I thought you understoodall of that.

Jenny: [horribly conflicted] I do, I do, I do. I – I -I – I – I don’t know. [Two men have entered and standin the doorway – Jenny sees them and becomes instantlycheerful] Oh, welcome to Scotch Boutique!

1st Man: [to Jenny] Um, do you sell any recording tape here?

Jenny: [cheerfully] No, just the sticky kind.

2nd Man: [to the first man] See? I told ya.

[The 2nd Man turns away to keep from laughing outloud. The 1st Man, stunned, smiles broadly and looksaround at the store in amazement. The two men exit.]

Walker: [calls after the men, cheerfully] Next timeyou need the sticky kind, you’ll know where to come![instantly serious, to Jenny] I mean, I thought youunderstood that this was my dream. You said it was agood idea. Do you think in a million years, I’d drawout every last red cent of our – our savings accountand invest it in this business if I thought you didn’tthink it was a good idea?

[A woman enters but, by now, Jenny is too distracted to greet her.]

2nd Woman: Uh, do you have any recording tape?

Walker: [pleasantly] No, just cellophane. The sticky kind. If you need any of the sticky kind, you know where to come!

2nd Woman: Okay, thanks.

Jenny: [weakly] Come again.

[The woman exits. Jenny, on the verge of tears, can’tlook Walker in the eye.]

Walker: Well, I guess that does it. I – I – I can’t goon surrounded by quitters and – and doubters. Callsfor a team effort. … I’ll never forget a story myuncle once told me. My uncle owned a little restaurantin Pennsylvania. It was real famous for a long timefor its chicken salad. [Jenny and Kevin, who sits onhis stool with comic book in hand, listen withinterest] Well, one day, they couldn’t get any chickento put in the salad. So my uncle, what he did, hecalled together the employees. … [Walker pauses tolight his pipe] And he said, “Look, why don’t we putturkey in that salad instead of chicken?” Well, ofcourse, everyone was real nervous at first becausethey didn’t know what was gonna happen. But you wantto know something? Not one person even noticed that itwas turkey instead of chicken. Now, that’s what I callteamwork.

Jenny: [completely won over] I’m sorry, honey. I’llgive it another chance. I believe in you.

Walker: [takes her hand] Thank you, honey.

Kevin: [joins them at the register] I believe in you,too, Mr. Walker.

Walker: Thanks, Kevin. [Kevin puts his hand on theirsin an “All for one, one for all” gesture – Walkerbrightens] Hey, what do you say we stop all this andget back to business as usual? [pats Kevin on theback] What do you say?

Jenny: [genuinely cheerful again] Oh, okay.

Kevin: [happy] Okay!

[Jenny laughs and dusts the display rack. Kevin getsout his comic book and goes back to his stool. Walkerscribbles on some paperwork, pipe in mouth.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts