Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

On The spot

Joan Face…..Jane Curtin
Irwin Mainway…..Dan Aykroyd

[ opening graphic ]

[ dissolve to Joan Face seated on stage set ]

Joan Face: Good evening, I’m Jane Face and welcome to “On The Spot”. As parents of schoolchildren, we should be concerned about the quality of food our children are served in school lunchrooms. Are the meals balanced? Are the ingredients fresh? Are they prepared under sanitary conditions? We are about to talk with the man who has the nutritional welfare of our children in his hands. On the spot with us tonight, the man who was awarded the contract to provide the school lunch program for the tri-state area school system. He is the President of Inter-City Foods, a division of Mainway International — Dr. Irwin Mainway.

[ Irwin Mainway appears seated to Joan’s right ]

Irwin Mainway: Thank you, Miss Face. No, I’m not gonna take the credit of a doctor —

Joan Face: I understand. My mistake.

Irwin Mainway: I’m a businessman, I’m not a doctor! You know?

Joan Face: Yes, I know. Now, Mr. Mainway —

Irwin Mainway: But… I got the brains. You know.

Joan Face: I doubt that. [ moving on ] Your program has been the subject of an investigation by our “On The Spot” research team, and the results are deeply disturbing, to say the least.

Irwin Mainway: [ amused ] Wha — wha — what are you talking about?

Joan Face: The lunches that you are feeding our schoolchildren are utterly devoid of any nutritional content! Look at the lunch menu, served to the youngsters at Samuel O’Gunther’s Grammer School last Wednesday: [ reading ] Grilled toast Sandwich, macaroni and hamburger buns… little cubes of stale bread. [ she holds up a bowl ]

Irwin Mainway: Well, now, these — these are croutons, Miss Face, uh — that’s my Caesar Salad.

Joan Face: It’s PURE starch! And what about Thursday? [ reading ] First of all, the soup: a tablespoon of imitation grape jelly in a bowl of hot water. Not to mention a cocoa-wich: two pieces of white bread, thinly spread with diluted chocolate syrup! And, to top it off: black coffee and cigarettes!

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] Now, that’s a bottomless cup of coffee! Those kids can get REFILLS! All they want! You know?

Joan Face: I’ll bet. The dessert is a big bowl of white, refined sugar! This is your idea of a balanced meal, Mr. Mainway?

Irwin Mainway: [ defensively ] The kids LOVE it! I mean, it’s high energy! You should SEE bounding out the cafeteria! It’s unbelievable! I can’t keep up with these kids on Thursday! I can’t keep up with them!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, could you tell us how much the city pays you to run this program?

Irwin Mainway: [ snarky ] Not enough! That’s for sure! [ he laughs ]

Joan Face: I’ll tell you, Mr. Mainway. Yuo receive $2.78 per student, per day, of which you spend approximately eighteen cents. You’re doing pretty well for yourself, giving little children sugar and starch. Haven’t you ever heard of protein?

Irwin Mainway: Miss Face, if kids want to bring their own protein, we don’t stop ’em! Nobody’s confiscating any protein at the door that I’ve heard about!

Joan Face: [ she sighs ] Mr. Mainway, Isn’t it true that on last April 18th, the schoolchildren of this city ate a hot lunch composed almost entirely of pureed insects?

Irwin Mainway: That was a HOT lunch, now.

Joan Face: Yeah. Hot insects.

Irwin Mainway: Heeeyy, come on, give me a break! I gotta find out what these kids like!

Joan Face: [ reading ] June 1st: ravioli stuffed with chalk!

Irwin Mainway: [ crinkling his face ] Now, that was an experiment that didn’t work. You know? I’m not gonna sit here and lie to you! I’m not gonna lie! I made a mistake. And I’m sure you make mistakes, too, Miss Face. My company got a break on a quantity of chalk — I went for it! Hey, I’m not God!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, let’s talk about the milk you’re serving our children. We’ve taken the liberty of having your milk analyzed in a lab. I think the public has a right to know: it’s dog milk!

Irwin Mainway: [ annoyed ] Yeah? So what? Dogs are mammals, aren’t they?

Joan Face: I don’t know where you get it, how you get it, or who actually MILKS the dogs… and I don’t care to!

Irwin Mainway: Well, it’s your loss, Miss Face, because it’s a very interesting process, let me tell you!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway… you are really contempt. Not only are you ROBBING the taxpayers of their dollars, you are also ROBBING our children of their right to good health! You’re stunting their growth and dulling their brains!How do you sleep at night?

Irwin Mainway: Come on, now let me tell you something. I want to tell you something. Now, is this even the WORST of stuff I’m serving them? I mean, at least it’s not dangerous! You know, eating is a dangerous operation, anyway! Say you’re eating — it’s not 100% safe, you know? Like, you’re eating a hot apple pie, or something, you know? I mean, somebody slams a door, the filling goes through your teeth. You know? You could burn your mouth. You know? Miss Face, I-I-I’m sure you’ve had a ham sandwich and rye bread, right? Well, you know, rye bread, they put those little caraway seeds there, you know? Well, now, if you bite down hard on a piece of bread, and your tooth hatches that seed at a certain angle, that seed has been know to fly up, hit you in the eye, you’ll go blind!

Joan Face: Ohh!

Irwin Mainway: You know? I mean, look — [ he picks up an apple ] Here’s God’s gift to nature! You know: Adam & Eve, the first thing on Earth, right? Okay, I’m gonna take a natural bit of the apple, you know? [ he takes a bite and chews ] I took a bite out of the apple, I’m talking to you, I take a breath — [ he pretends to choke, as Joan pats his back ] I mean, that’s an example, you know?

Joan Face: I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “On The Spot”.

Irwin Mainway: It went down the wrong pipe!

Joan Face: Mr. Mainway, you are a morally bankrupt person.

Irwin Mainway: No, no, what about a banana?! [ he picks up a banana ] How many times you see people break their back on a banana?!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Two Guys Who Are Lawyers

Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mom…..Jane Curtin
Dad…..Bill Murray
Jerry…..Dan Aykroyd
Art…..Fred Willard
Surgeon…..John Belushi
James Meredith…..Garrett Morris
Patty Hearst…..Gilda Radner

[ open on family members, all wearing neck braces, sitting around the kitchen table ]

Daughter: Aw, Mom! Sandwiches again?!

Mother: You know your father doesn’t have a high school diploma.

Father: And even if I did have a better job, what good would it do? We’ve all been laid up since the auto accident.

Mother: And these braces took most of our savings.

Daughter: But the accident wasn’t our fault! We should have SUED that guy! Shouldn’t we have hired a lawyer?

Father: Sure! But how?

[ zoom out, as Jerry is superimposed onto the scene ]

Jerry: How many times has this happened to you: You’re sitting with your family in a parked car, a drunken man without insurance or a license deliberately hits you broadside and lays you up indefinitely? You feel you have a claim, but just don’t know where to go. “Lawyers are expensive,” you say? Not when you come to Two Guys Who Are Lawyers, the discount law firm.

[ Art steps forward, grinning widely ]

Art: Tell them, Jerry!

Jerry: Sure, Art! Now that attorneys can advertise, we ask you to shop around, and you will agree that we Two Guys undersell all our competitors and give you the BEST legal services for your money!

[ reveal exterior of their storefront in strip mall ]

[ cut to Steven Kipnis, M.D. testimonial ]

Surgeon: I’m a surgeon. A steady hand is my livelihood. One day, my steady hand accidentally replaced a patient’s kidney with a telephone. I went to the Two Guys. [ he grins sheepishly ]

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: Is that it, Jerry?

Jerry: Not in the least, Art! No matter what your case is… we want to be of service… to you! Our staff is composed of trained, courteous, and friendly individuals who are experts in corporate tax, divorce criminal entertainment, and constitutional law.

[ cut to James Meredith testimonial ]

James Meredith: I have always wanted to attend the University of Mississippi. But, as a Black man, I found its doors closed to me. Then somebody told me about the Constitution department — LAW department — that the Two Guys had. They helped me get into Ole Miss. Now… I’ve got my Master’s! Thanks, guys!

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: That MUST be it, Jerry?

Jerry: No, not yet, Art. We will stand by our clients. That’s the Two Guys Who Are Lawyers guarantee! If your case should lose in a lower court, we will take it as far as necessary, even all the way to the Supreme Court!

Art: That’s right! Washington, D.C.!

[ cut to Patty Hearst testimonial ]

Patty Hearst: Why spend one-million, two-hundred thousand dollars to defend yourself in court? Really, F. Lee Bailey is okay, but, next time I get kidnapped, I’m going to the Two Guys!

[ cut to the Two Guys in their office ]

Art: Now, Jerry?

Jerry: Yes… now, Art!

[ they stand and sing ]

Jerry: For legal problems, whatever the size!

Art: Hop in your car, and come down to Two Guys!

[ dissolve to title card: ]

[ “Two Guys Who Are Lawyers

* Pleasant Valley
* Jefferson Mall
* Rt. 24″ ]

Announcer: Now at three locations!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 2

78b: Fred Willard / Devo

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

…..Jane Curtin
…..Bill Murray
Lucille Ball…..Gilda Radner
Gary Morton…..Alan Zweibel
…..Dan Aykroyd

Jane Curtin: Wonder Woman’s bra returned to Brooklyn Navy yard. This, and other stories, on “Weekend Update”, coming up next.

[ dissolve out ]

[ fade up ]

Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with the Weekend Update news team. Brought to you by Bleu Balls, the cheese snack from France. Here are anchorpersons Bill Murray and Jane curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin. Our top story tonight:

The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [ audience cheers ] Though thrilled about today’s victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodger team, and immediately instated Billy Martin as the Dodger manager for the rest of the Series.

Even though thye were told that they would not be able to consummate their marriage, James Earl Ray, confessed killer of Martin Luther King, Jr., and Anna Sandhu, a 32-year old divorcee, married Friday in a small prison ceremony. Later, when Ray was told what the word “consummate” means, he flew into a rage and had to be restrained by prison guards.

Jane Curtin: Bill?

Bill Murray: Hey, now there’s a lot of hard news going down this week, I guess. But the story that really caught my eye was the Ian Smith visit. Now, he’s the President or Prime Minister — whatever — of Rhodesia. I don’t know. And there’s a WAR going on over there, which bothers me. Now, I hard that the U.S. government didn’t want to let Smith in the country, and I thought, “Well, this guy’s been discriminating against Blacks for so long — I hear it’s like ten or twenty years or darkie jokes, the whole business. But HE is against what this country STANDS for, and we don’t do that here. Let’s keep him out! Well, then they decided to let him in, and I thought, “Well, wait a second… if this country does stand for one thing, it’s freedom of speech. Numero Uno, Bill of Rights — look it up. I don’t know if it is Uno, but it should be. Anyway, it’s in there, in the Uno to Dias, somewhere.

Anyway, even if this guy is a Communist, a Nazi, or what — he deserves to say his piece. So then he arrives here, and he’s got a Black guy with him, and I keep saying to myself, “Well, maybe things have changed. This guy’s turned over new leaf.” So, I go to my source on these things, and I say, “Hey, Garrett… what the HELL is my position gonna be on this Rhodesia thing?” And he says, “Bill, I don’t know.” And if HE doesn’t know, and he’s Black… how am I supposed to know? So I guess this is one of those hard news war stories where you just don’t know what’s what yet. so let’s move on to a new feature, huh?

And now, a new feature on “Weekend Update”, I think you’re going to enjoy this: Bill Murray’s Celebrity Corner. That’s right, I feel this will add a warm touch to the hard news, because today we have with us a very special guest, who’s asked to come on and help me launch this new feature. This is the beautiful — the First Lady of Television herself — Lucille Ball and her husband Gary Morton. [ they appear on the monitor ] Lucy? Thanks again for coming on Celebrity Corner.

Lucille Ball: Well… thank you for having me, Bill. And I certainly want to wish you good luck. [ she takes a drag from a cigarette ]

Bill Murray: I know you do, Lucy. You look WONDERFUL! And, so do you, Gary. But, uh, let me ask you this: How are Fred and Ethel?

Lucille Ball: Fred is dead.

Bill Murray: [ confused ] Freddie’s dead?

Lucille Ball: That’s what I said. Bill Frawley died a while ago.

Bill Murray: Well, forgive me, Lucy, honey, but we — we’ve been having a newspaper strike here in New York, and, uh, I didn’t even know he was sick. Lucy? Could you perform for us?

Lucille Ball: Biiilll…

Bill Murray: Come on! Just a little Lucy-ism!

Lucille Ball: No, Bill, really…

Bill Murray: [ grabbing his lip ] Lucyyyy! Come on, Lucyyyy! Alright, this is the scene: You’re working in a bakery, and the conveyor belt starts to go too fast, all the cupcakes end up on the floor, and you’re so upset that you go…

Lucille Ball: [ taking her cue ] Aaaaahhhhhhh!! [ she then takes another drag on her cigarette ]

Bill Murray: [ laughing ] Ha! JUst the way I remember it! Isn’t that great! It’s incredible! You know, honey — it is that physical schtick that was always your trademark, Lucy. Let me ask you this: Is there anything to the rumor that you and Desi will remarry? Personally, I would love to see it happen.

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. Desi was a loser! A very talented man, but he felt he had to lose. Gary’s a winner. [ Gary grins ]

Bill Murray: Just one more question, Lucy: What’s in the future for Lucy? Will she do another TV show or a movie?

Lucille Ball: No, Bill. I’m very happy as I am. I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, two extremely untalented children who I love, and peace of mind. I’m content just to sit in my car with Rose-Marie and talk about how time has ravaged our faces.

Bill Murray: Well, thank you very much, Lucy, for being wih us here on Celebrity Corner. [ they fade from the monitor ] Hey! Well, that was the first Celebrity Corner, and a damn good one, I think. [ the audience applauds ] I loved it! I loved that one. How about you, Jane?

[ Jane smirks without saying a word ]

Jane Curtin: While the newspaper strike continues in New York City, rumors are still the major source of information. So, for you New Yorkers, we want to dispel the following rumors: Allen Funt will not pitch the fifth game of tomorrow’s World Series, Rhodesian Prime Minister Ian Smith was not seen dancing with Ed Sullivan in Studio 54, and Betty Ford’s facelift was not performed by Sid Vicious.In the wake of revelations that high-ranking Soviet defector Arkady Shevchenko gave gifts of $40,000 in cash and a $13,000 sports car to Judy Chavez, a 22-year old woman who worked for a Washington escort service, a State Department official announced today that over 700 Soviet hookers have defected to the U.S. in the last three days. They will be debriefed at the CIA Debriefing Center at the Mustang Ranch in Reno, Nevada.Well, the motives behind the recent kidnapping of country music star Tammy Wynette were finally divulged today. The suspect’s plan was to force Tammy to record a hit album against her will. The soon-to-be-released LP will feature Tammy’s new single: “Take the Ribbon From My Hair and Twist it Round My Neck.”This just in from Rome: The entire College of Cardinals died in their sleep last night. [ the audience cheers and applauds ] In an unprecedented move, the Brooklyn High School of Music and Art will elect the new Pope. Just kidding! [ she laughs uproariously ] Bill?Bill Murray: [ impressed ] I got that, by the way, Jane.Punk-rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night killing of his girlfriend. Vicious’ lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from “Sid Vicious” to “Sidney, Not Such A Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him”.

[ glancing off screen ] I see you’ve got a special guest over there, Jane.

Jane Curtin: That’s right, Bill. This week we’d like to introduce an old co-worker in a new Weekend Updatesegment, an editorial comment by our station manager. Here is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Dan?

Dan Aykroyd: [wearing gray suit and eyeglasses – grim, intense and fast] Thank you, Jane. Good evening. Well, it’s football season again, we’re right in the middle of it. And as usual every team’s crew of femalecheerleaders’ providing the same supportive histrionics from the sidelines. However, this year, there are less cheers and more leers and it’s the fans in the stands who do the leering at the girls who do the cheering because this season these cheer ladies are more nudely, more lewdly, more crudely attired than ever.

Now, I suppose a modicum of enthusiasm from the sidelines helps the morale of the team and supporters and it’s not the maintenance of team spirit I take issue with. Rather, I’m objecting to three specific elements of these cheerleading displays and here they are, from the ground up.

One, vinyl boots. The nudity of a young woman’s leg is more than enough. A skintight red or white vinyl bootprovides the already natural sensual shape of a woman’s calf with a most unnecessary enhancement.

Two, the gap. That is, the intentional use of tight-fitting short shorts as an engineering device to distinctly exaggerate the external perimeters of a female’s vagina. The deliberate display of this vortex, in my mind, has nothing to do with football or any other sport.

Three, the ripple or bounce. By this I mean the consciously designed exposure of the upper mammalial carriage, an exposure at times so extensive that on particularly cold or windy days, the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible through binoculars from any seat in the stadium.

Can the game go on without the boots, the gap and the ripple? I think so. So, cover up, girls, or get off the field and let the boys play ball. This is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Thank you.

[Applause. Cut to a wide shot of Dan, Jane and Bill. On the Chroma-Key screen between Jane and Bill is an image of a globe. A giant hand reaches into view and spins the globe.]

Jane Curtin: That’s the news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

The Coneheads at Home

Beldar Conehead … Dan Aykroyd
Prymaat Conehead … Jane Curtin
Connie Conehead … Laraine Newman
… Frank Zappa

[Living room of the suburban home of the Coneheads, anextraterrestrial family from the planet Remulak tryingto fit unobtrusively into middle class America. Thefather, Beldar Conehead, enters through the front doorcarrying a briefcase.]

Beldar: [nasal robotic voice] Honey, I’mhome!

[Cheers and applause as Beldar removes themulticolored stocking cap he is wearing to reveal hisunnaturally large hairless head shaped like a cone.SUPER: THE CONEHEADS AT HOME – He puts down and hisbriefcase and takes off his coat. He wears ordinaryAmerican clothes but with a small silver cape tiedaround his neck and shoulders. His wife, Prymaat,enters from kitchen carrying a tray. She, too, has acone-shaped head and wears a silver cape. She andBeldar greet each other with a stiff bow, touchingcones in the process. They sit on the sofa. Prymaatsets down her tray, which holds six-packs of beer andbags of potato chips. Beldar loosens his necktie andpartakes of the beer.]

Beldar: The relation of the earth’s axis toits sun is most noticeable today.

Prymaat: Yes, it’s colder than a larthgor’smib. Beldar, we must maintain our lawn spaces to ourhuman neighbors. You must collect the fallen treeparticles.

Beldar: There is no human custom which saysthe female spousal unit may not collect the treeparticles.

Prymaat: [angrily] But I was the one whoinstalled the exterior transparent weather panels!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Teen daughter Connie, in school uniform, enters anddrops off her school books. Like her parents, shespeaks with a nasal robotic voice, wears a silver capeand has a huge cone head.]

Connie: Greetings, parental units! [starts upstairs]

Beldar: Wait!

[Connie freezes.]

Beldar: Get your young cone over here.

[Connie reluctantly joins her parents on thesofa.]

Prymaat: You must consume mass quantities.

Connie: No! I have a date. I must prepare mycone.

Prymaat: Mebs! You had a date last night!Beldar, it is vital that you address our young one.

Beldar: Connie, we are concerned with theincreasing frequency of your nocturnal interactionwith the humans.

Connie: Do not be concerned. I can handlemyself.

Beldar: Good. You know, Connie, Prymaat and Iare not completely unaware of the problems whichpresent themselves to you as a young, attractive coneon this miserable planet.

Connie: Oh, boy. You’re not going to relateyour life tales about the Arzoolians again?

Prymaat: No, but realize that when I was youngI lived with my parental units on the planet Garnep inthe Krint belts. All during this time not oneGarneepian laid a tendril on my cone. So that on theday when Beldar and I had our langthoos joined byShebvar the Relentless, I presented Beldar with anunhoned cone.

Beldar: Mmmm, and it heightened thesenso-experience for both of us.

Prymaat: We did not leave our Guzz Module forthree whole dreeodes.

Prymaat and Beldar: Mmmm!

Beldar: And, except for those two flathragsfrom Meepzor, it was my first time as well.

Prymaat: [rises, angrily] Flathrags! You nevertold me about flathrags from Meepzor!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: [rises, defensively] Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

Beldar: Mebs!

Prymaat: Mebs!

[Doorbell rings. Connie rises, upset.]

Connie: Ohhhh! My date! I have not prepared mycone! Parental units, please greet the human! [Connierushes up the stairs, exiting. Beldar and Prymaat movestiffly to the front door, reluctantly.]

Beldar and Prymaat: [with great disgust]Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

[Beldar and Prymaat open the door to revealwalrus-mustached musician Frank Zappa who wears atrench coat, sunglasses and a fedora.]

Beldar: Greetings.

Prymaat: Enter.

[Zappa enters to cheers and applause and removes hisglasses.]

Frank Zappa: Hello. You must be Mr. and Mrs.,uh, Conehead.

Beldar: Yes. Correct. Your name?

Frank Zappa: Frank Zappa.

Prymaat: What is your function on this planet?

Frank Zappa: I am a musician. And I’m giving aconcert. [Zappa breaks character and talks to cue cardpeople] No, that should be out there — it shouldn’tbe in there. Oh, yeah, and – [back to scene] AndConnie is my special guest.

Beldar: Concert?

Prymaat: Concert. A voluntary gathering ofhumans to absorb sound patterns.

Beldar: Prymaat, assist our young one while Icommunicate with this human.

[Prymaat exits.]

Beldar: [with a grand gesture, to Zappa] Iinvite you to consume mass quantities.

[Beldar and Zappa move stiffly to the sofa and sit.Zappa watches Beldar pick up an entire six-pack ofbeer and take a swig. Zappa imitates him. Beldar tearsopen a bag of potato chips and stuffs a large handfulinto his mouth. Zappa imitates him. The two men,mouths full of chips and beer, pause to give eachother a wary look. Cheers and applause.]

Beldar: So, Zappa! Where did you meet…..?

[Zappa spits out the beer and chips onto the floor andtries to deliver his line but he and the audiencebegin laughing.]

Frank Zappa: Excuse me!

Beldar: Zappa!

Frank Zappa: Yeah?

Beldar: Where – where did you meet our youngone?

Frank Zappa: I spotted her in the front rowlast night and I knew she was really special.

Beldar: Naturally, as a parental unit, I amconcerned with whom our young one interacts.

Frank Zappa: Well, Connie told me where you’recoming from … [breaks up laughing] And I realizethat as French people you must be very wary ofAmericans. Don’t worry, I used to have a French personin the band and I know I can take good care of her.

Beldar: Good.

[Connie and Prymaat enter. Connie now wears muchsexier outfit than earlier. She also has a headbandaround her cone along with her silver cape.]

Frank Zappa: Hi, Connie.

Connie: [coquettishly] Hi, Frank. [Zappa risesand joins Connie, putting his arm around her waist]Oh, excuse my parental units if they have presentedyou with square doctrines.

Frank Zappa: No, they’re – they’re not square,they’re okay.

[Beldar and Prymaat stand together opposite Connie andFrank.]

Prymaat: [holds a vinyl copy of Zappa’s recordalbum, Studio Tan] Connie has many of these discswhich are gifts from this human.

Beldar: [takes the album, holds it up,impressed] You? Produce these?

Frank Zappa: Yes, this is a collection – anunauthorized collection – of my latest sound patterns.

Beldar: I, Beldar, approve. Au revoir.

[Arm in arm, Zappa and Connie head for the frontdoor.]

Prymaat: Return at the pre-designated timecoordinates!

Connie: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Frank Zappa: Nice to meet you, Mr. and Mrs.Conehead!

[Zappa and Connie exit. Beldar and Prymaat inspect thealbum.]

Beldar: Mmmmm. [Beldar rips open the cardboardjacket and removes the vinyl record] What finecompressed petroleum binding polymers!

[Prymaat and Beldar each take a couple of bites out ofthe record and chew the crunchy vinylnoisily.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

The Franken & Davis Show

Pete Tagliani/Himself…..Al Franken
Winfield Adcock/Himself…..Tom Davis

[ open on animated “The Franken & Davis Show” title card ]

Announcer: It’s time for “The Franken & Davis Show”, starring Al Franken and Tom Davis. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

Al Franken: Thank you, thank you! Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! It’s GREAT to be back!

Tom Davis: That’s right. And, tonight, we’d like to stick our necks out a little bit on national television, and call for a violent overthrow of the United States government! [ he bows, as the audience applauds ]

Al Franken: Thank you! Thank you! You see, besides being a professional comedy team, Tom and I are international Communist revolutionaries… and we believe that nothing can really be changed in this country, through the Democratic process! [ brief applause ] Oh, thank you! We’re glad a lot of you feel that way!

Tom Davis: Right you are, Al. You see, in a Capitalist society, anybody who’s running for public office is automatically corrupted by… well, instead of telling… why don’t we show you?

[ dissolve to “TAGLIANI: He’ll Slash Taxes” screen ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political announcement by the Tagliani for Congress Committee.

[ dissolve to Al as Tagliani, seated at desk ]

Pete Tagliani: Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! I want you to help me unseat Winfield Adcock in the upcoming Fifth Congressional election, so I can go to Washington to slash taxes! Now, HOW am I gonna slash taxes? By making the FAT CATS pay their fair share! Now, I have here… [ he holds up a folder ] Winfield Adcock’s 1968 tax return! A year in which he earned over $400,000… but paid… [ he looks ] twenty-six cents in income tax. Now this FAT CAT is RIPPING you off! And I say it’s time we send a man to Washington… who’s gonna work for the hardworking taxpayer like you! And I say… I’m that man. So vote for me: Pete Tagliani. You’ll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on “ADCOCK: He Hates High Taxes” screen ]

Announcer: The following is a paid political message by the We Need Adcock Committee.

[ dissolve to Tom as Adcock, seated in chair ]

Winfield Adcock: Hello. I’m Congressman Winfield Adcock, your reprsentative from the Fifth District, and this year I’m running for re-election. Already, my opponent, Pete [ purposefully mispronounced ] Tag-li-o-ni… has stooped to the lowest level of mudslinging, by accusing ME of financial misconduct. [ reaches for a folder marked EVIDENCE ] Well, I have here… documented evidence proving my innocence. It is indeed surprising to hear charges — SCURRILOUS charges — such as these, coming from a man who’s himself of low moral character! Mr. Tag-li-o-ni controls all of the city’s massage parlors and porno houses, a position he’s gained through his lifelong connections with the mob and the recording industry! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! I hate high taxes!

[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani reading a law book, with SUPER: “TAGLIANI: Honesty and Integrity” ]

Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! My FAT CAT opponent, Winfield Adcock, has accused me of having ties with organized crime and the recording industry! Yuo know, charges of immorality seems strange coming from a man who is himself an ADULTERER! Now, I have here… pictures of my opponent engaged in sexual relations with my sister-in-law! [ reveal photo slides of Adcock naked in bed with woman ] My sister-in-law, Angelina Tagliani — who, by the way, is happily married to my brother, Mario Tagliani. Now, do we want this SCOUNDREL embarrassing us?! Perhaps running around NUDE in the House of Represenatives? I don’t think so! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You’ll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sweating as he stands behind his chair, with SUPER: “ADCOCK: An Honest Man” ]

Winfield Adcock: Hello. I’m Congressman Winfield Adcock. My opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni has further lowered himself to the gutter, by intimating that I am guilty of marital infidelity! Well, I am prepared to submit myself to a lie detector examination and answer ANY questions concerning my public or private life! Desperate, slanderous swipes such as these can be expected, perhaps from a man who is hostile towards women! I have here a photograph of my opponent in the washroom of a local restaurant making an advance at my nephew! [ reveal photo slide ] A HOMOSEXUAL is a PERFECT target for a Communist blackmail regime, but there’s NO room for them in Congress! I say vote for me, Winfield Adcock! An honest man!

[ fade to black, come up on Tagliani seated behind his desk, with SUPER: “TAGLIANI: He’s not the Liar” ]

Pete Tagliani: [ he looks up ] Hi! I’m Pete Tagliani! [ holding folder marked “RESULTS” ] I have here the results of a lie detector test by opponent submitted to last week! According to these results, he LIED on every one of the 32 of the questions! Why, his name isn’t even Adcock! Not only is this man a LIAR, but… unfortunately, Mr. Adcock is inflicted with the dreaded disease of alcoholism. Fortunately, I have here a picture of Adcock coming out of a sleazy bar! [ reveal photo ] Now, do we want this man stumbling around the halls of Congress? Perhaps vomiting in the House chambers? I know I don’t! So vote for me, Pete Tagliani! You’ll be glad you did!

[ fade to black, come up on Adcock sitting slumped in his chair, with SUPER: “ADCOCK” ]

Winfield Adcock: [ slurring ] Hello, Winfield Adcock! A couple of weeks ago, the results of a lie detector test made a lot of headlines across the city! And I know what everyone in Congress is saying — I’ve got my problems like everybody else! But that won’t keep me from being the best damn Congressman this city has ever seen! [ reaches for folder marked “SOLID EVIDENCE” ] Now, I have here solid evidence… that my opponent, Pete Tag-li-o-ni, in 1969, was involved in a series of gangland slayings! I’ve requested that this… [ slurs his words so badly even he doesn’t know what he’s saying ] We are bringing… crippled charges… against this man… to get this murderer off our streets! I say, let the records speal for — [ looks ofscreen, as Tagliani rushes in ] TAGLIONI, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

[ Tagliani stick a gun in Adcock’s ribs, fires, then rushes back off screen ]

[ fade to black, come up on “Franken & Davis” title card ]

Announcer: The “Franken & Davis Show” was brought to you by: The International Communist Party. The International Communist Party: We’re Working For You In Africa. And now, here’s Al and Tom!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

Al Franken: Good night, everybody! Good night!

[ dissolve to Al and Tom standing on stage ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Goodnights

…..Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa: Well. We’ve come to the, uh, end of our show tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And, actually — [ Laraine Newman comes running up on stage, dressed as Sunshine ] Ohh! It’s so nice to see you! [ Dan Aykroyd joins her, dressed as Jason ] Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like — friends of Chevy Chase, Inc.

Dan Aykroyd: Just acting calm, man!

Frank Zappa: Crash up here — I used to sleep here. [ the rest of the cast arrives on stage ] Everybody else! [ he shakes each cast member’s hand as they arrive ] Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. [ Father Guido Sarducci climbs on stage ] Good night. [ Franken and Davis climb on stage ] Good night. Good night. [ he peers into the audience ] Aw, come on! Good night!

[ the credits begin to roll ]

Announcer: Join us November 4th, when Steve Martin returns to “Saturday Night Live”, with special guest Van Morrison. This is your old announcer, Don Pardo, saying: “Good night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Frank Zappa’s Monologue

…..Frank Zappa

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen … Frank Zappa!

[Dissolve to Frank Zappa, hands on hips,shoulder-length hair, walrus moustache, etc. He runsto home base, grabs a microphone off a handy stool andencourages the audience’s applause.]

Frank Zappa: Hiya, hiya, hiya! Thank you — and,remember, I’m reading this off these cards underneaththis camera here. [reads off the cue cards] Thank you!It’s an awesome responsibility being selected out ofmillions of people to become the banner of NBC’s newlook. God, I hope I’m good! Tonight, we’d like to do asong about an important social problem, disco. Itdeals with lonely people with no natural rhythmimpinging on each other in the darkness. It’s called”Dancing Fool”! [shouts to the band] One, two, three,four … !

[The band comes crashing in and Zappa sings:]

I don’t know much about dancin’
That’s why I got this song
One of my legs is shorter than the other
‘N’ both my feet’s too long
‘Course now right along with ’em
Got no natural rhythm
But I go dancin’ every night
Hopin’ one day I might get it right

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

I hear that beat, I jump outa my seat,
But I can’t compete, ’cause I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

Disco folks all dressed up
Like they’s fit to kill
I walk on in ‘n’ see ’em there
Gonna give them all a thrill
When they see me comin’
They all steps aside
They has a fit while I commit
My social suicide

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

The beat goes on And I’m so wro-ong
The beat goes on
And I’m so wro-ong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
The beat goes on ‘n’ I’m so wrong
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
Dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool

[bares his shoulder, spreads his legs and gyratesarrhythmically]

I got it all together now
With my very own disco clothes, hey!
My shirt’s half open t’ show you my chain
‘N’ the spoon for up in my nose
I am really somethin’
That’s what you’d prob’ly say
So smoke your little smoke
Drink your little drink
While I dance the night away

I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
I’m a dancin’ foo-oo-oo-oo-ool
He’s a dancin’ fool

I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a
I may be totally wrong, but I’m a fool, yeah!

[As the music continues, Zappa speaks to an attractiveyoung woman sitting in the front row of the audience.]

Say, darling, can I buy ya a drink? Come here.

[Zappa extends a hand to her – she takes it and, toher astonishment, he guides her up onto home basewhere he hits on her:]

I mean, are you looking for Mister Goodbar? Wait aminute. I’ve got it. You’re an Italian! You’re Jewish?[Woman shakes her head.] Love your nails. You must bea Libra. [Woman shakes her head. The music endsabruptly just as Zappa asks:] Your place or mine?

Woman: [shrugs, uncertainly] Mine. [laughs]

Frank Zappa: Okay! Let’s go!

[Zappa puts his arm around her and they walk off stagetogether as the audience cheers and applauds.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Mr. Bill Moves In

(The film opens with a shot of the Empire State Building. Camera pans down to the street level where a Taxi cab pulls up. Mr. Hands opens the door and the title curtain is revealed.)

Mr. Hands: Hey kids, it’s time for the Mr. Bill show!

(curtain rises to show Mr. Bill and Spot)

Mr. Bill: Ho ho, kiddies! Oh boy, are we going to have fun today because Spot and I are moving into our newpenthouse apartment. Yay! And here’s our moving man, Mr. Hands! Yay!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill. What do you think of the outside?

Mr. Bill: Oh what a beautiful building! Are you sure we can afford it?

Mr. Hands: Oh sure.

(cut to the inside of the apartment)

Mr. Bill: Oh and what a beautiful interior. Nice shade too.

Mr. Hands: (places Mr. Bill on the armchair.) Well make yourself at home and prop your feet up. (pushes Mr. Bill into the chair, breaking him up.)

Mr. Bill: No but you know I can’t sit so well. No, Noooooooooooo!

Mr. Hands: Say Mr. Bill, we better clean up before the interior decorator gets here. I’ll vacuum. (aims a vacuum at Mr. Bill’s left arm.)

Mr. Bill: No but it looks fine to me. No, no, no (the vacuum rips Mr. Bill’s arm out) Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! (a knock on the door is heard.)

Mr. Hands: (starts molding Sluggo.) Oh just in time because here comes the interior decorator.

Mr. Bill: Oh yaaay! Oh no! He’s going to be mean to me!

Mr. Hands: No it’s Interior Decorator Sluggo. And he says you just must have a nice dog skin rug! (uses a rolling pin to roll Spot into the carpet)

Mr. Bill: Oh no! But I don’t want a dogskin, No! Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: Now for some new furniture and Sluggo says this table will fit perfectly. (places a broken table)

Mr. Bill: No, Mr. Hands. But it only has three legs.

Mr. Hands: Oh, well then, it’s time for home repairs! Don’t worry, I’ll fix it. (reaches for Mr. Bill’s left leg.)

Mr. Bill: No wait, my leg! Noooooooooo! Oh why why!

Mr. Hands: (Using Mr. Bill’s leg to fix the table) There. Hardly even wobbles. Now we have to coordinate the colors because Sluggo says this shade will never do. (Places a fuschia colored paint can) We’ll have to repaint it.

Mr. Bill: I don’t like fuschia! No!

Mr. Hands: But it creates such a stylish effect! (uses a paint roller to paint the carpet, Mr. Bill and the wall.)

Mr. Bill: No, no nooooooooo! I don’t like it! I don’t like it!

Mr. Hands: Oh Mr. Bill! We got some paint on you. We’re going to have to wash your clothes. (takes Mr. Bill to a laundromat)

Mr. Bill: Oh but you know I can’t wash my clothes, Mr. Hands!

Mr. Hands: (throws Mr. Bill in the washer) Sure we’ll wash your stains away! (places the quarters in and starts the washer) So until next week kids, Mr. Bill says so long!

(curtain falls)

[ dissolve to audience shot, with SUPER: “coming up next… The Day the Earth Slowed Down Considerably” ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Nick Johnson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Baxter Prison

Father…..Bill Murray
Mother…..Gilda Radner
Daughter…..Laraine Newman
Mr. Landick…..Garrett Morris
Tony Delightful…..John Belushi
Marilyn…..Jane Curtin
Henry…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of prisoner Tony Delightful behind bars playing the harmonica ]

[ pull back to reveal that prisoner’s cell is the crawl space beneath a flight of stairs in a suburban home ]

[ reveal Father working on the family budget at a desk in the foreground, as Daughter enters living room holding clothes ]

Daughter: Hi, Dad! We’re back. You owe me for the cleaning!

Father: Hello, sweetheart. Where’s your mother?

Daughter: She’s just sitting out in the car, looking out that little opera window.

[ she opens the closet door, which is chain-locked. Behind the chain appears the head of Mr. Landick ]

Mr. Landick: Hey, kid? Let me out of here. I’m innocent, I swear!

Daughter: [ she rolls her eyes ] I know you are, Mr. Landick. [ she holds up the clothes ] Could you please hang these up back there? And would you get me my sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ pleading ] I was gonna turn the heroin in, but you can NEVER find a parking space at the Narcotics Bureau!

Tony Delightful: Hey, don’t believe him, kid! He knows more lies than F. Lee Bailey!

Mr. Landick: [ holding up sweaters ] Uh — which one you want, the Betty Boop one or the blue one?

Daughter: The blue one.

Mr. Landick: Oh.

Father: [ stands ] Alright, I’ll go get your mother. Honey, don’t fraternize with the convicts. [ he exits through the kitchen ]

Tony Delightful: Hey, kid! Hey! Kid! [ he waves her over ] Kid! Gimme the phone! Get me, uh — San Diego Zoo on the phone! Area code… 7-1-4… 4-2-2…

Daughter: Why are you always calling the San Diego Zoo?

Tony Delightful: It’s my lawyer. He’s, uh — he’s there. Well, I mean, not always — part-time, you know? Sometimes, you know, he’s there. You know? I mean, uh — he likes it there! I mean, it’s — he likes — IT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!! NOW, JUST GET HIM ON THE PHONE!! Ask for Bejamin Latella! Come on!!

Mr. Landick: Can no one hear the dwarf crying out in the wilderness?

Tony Delightful: AH, SHUT UP!!! You’re not in no wilderness! You’re in the hall closet! It’s a HELL of a lot better than being locked up under the stairs!! At least you get to try on hats!!

[ Father and mother re-enter the living room ]

Father: I found a few more! I just got the list of state prisoners you can apply for, look at this. Here! Hit and Run, first offense — now, we could lock him in the guest closet, there’s already a lock on it. And here: a hijacker, elderly — we can stick him in the butler’s pantry! This is so perfect!

Mother: Now, look, honey! You’re not the one who has to TAKE CARE of them!! [ hands clothes to daughter ] Alright… take this upstairs, dear. [ to Tony Delightful ] Alright, here’s your laundry. [ opens the cell door and hands clothes to Tony Delightful ] I couldn’t get that tomato paste stain outr of your shirt — why don’t you be more careful with your dinner?

Tony Delightful: Well, Mrs. B., how about giving us something else to eat it with, besides, uh, Dixie Cup spoons, huh?

Mother: [ she locks his cell ] Ah, Tony!

Mr. Landick: Yeah, like, who do we have to know to get some real home cookin’? You know what I’m talking about?

[ she slams the closet door on him ]

Father: For Pete’s sake, look at this! We could hire a maid to look after them! Look! The state pays $1,800 a month — for each prisoner we take off their hands. We put in two more, and that’s $9,000 and change!

Mother: Well, honey… NO!!! And I’m not too thrilled about that semi-rehabilitated arsonist we got upstairs in the linen closet! I mean — I mean, why don’t you just help out with some of the chores around here, or something?!

Tony Delightful: Hey! I could take out the garbage!

Mr. Landick: Don’t let him! He will STEAL IT!

Mother: Ahh! [ she slams the closet door shut again ]

Daughter: [ she re-opens the closet door ] Mr. Landick? On the floor back across there, there’s a scarf. Could you get me one that would go with this sweater?

Mr. Landick: [ he hands her a scarf ] There you go!

Mother: Tony! [ she picks up a package ] Did you send away for this welding kit? C.O.D.?!

Tony Delightful: No, no… uh… it was a CONTEST! Uh… I must have won it! Yeah, that’s it! Uh… ME, who never wins anything! [ he laughs ]

Mother: Well, don’t you lie to me! [ she pulls the package away ]

Tony Delightful: Alright. What are you gonna do, overcook my rice?

Father: [ upset ] And look at this phone bill, for $58 worth of calls to San Diego! Who the hell keeps calling San Diego?!

Mr. Landick: I… don’t know anybody… in San Diego.

[ Father lunges at Mr. Landick and slams the clost door ]

[ the doorbell rings ]

Mother: Oh, that door! Who could that be? [ she answers the door ] Yes? May I help you?

Marilyn: Yeah, they — they told me — I’m looking for Tony Delightful. I was next door, and they said you had him?

Mother: Well, I’m sorry, honey. Visiting hours aren’t ’til after doing the dinner dishes. You’ll just have to sit down here for a second [ to Father ] Honey, she’s here to see Tony?

Father: Okay, fine, fine…

Mr. Landick: [ peeking out of the closet again ] Hey, lady. This is me. The only thing I’m guilty of is loving well… not wisely.

Mother: [ sarcastically ] Oh, you’re breaking my heart. [ she slams the closet door on him ]

[ Marilyn crosses over to Tony’s cell ]

Marilyn: Hi, Tony!

Tony Delightful: Hi, uh — Marilyn. How you been?

Marilyn: Good. Whatcha been doing?

Tony Delightful: Oh, I’ll show ya. [ he picks up a license plate ] Look.

Marilyn: [ impressed ] You made that?!

Tony Delightful: Oh, no, uh — you see, I scraped off “78”. I’m gonna put on “79”. You know, uh, I do it for the cars.

Marilyn: Do you, uh, work in the laundry?

Tony Delightful: No, no — we send it off to the dry cleaners.

Marilyn: Well, uh — how have you been?

Tony Delightful: Aw… I’ve been here. What can I tell ya’? It beats Attica. But it’s not as nice as the Montenaro’s, so…

Marilyn: Montenaro’s?

Tony Delightful: Yeah. You remember that elderly couple I did 2 to 5 with? On Route 62.

Marilyn: Tony, when do you think you’re gonna get out of here?

Tony Delightful: [ whispering ] Me and Landick are gonna bust out of here the next time sher serves lasagna. We’re gonna break off the edges and let it harden, use it as a saw.

[ Marilyn is impressed ]

[ a loud banging can be heard upstairs, as Daughter comes rushing down the stairs ]

Mother: What’s going on up there?

Daughter: The one in the linen closet is rioting!

[ Father jumps out of his chair, as Mother pulls out a bullhorn ]

Mother: HOME EMERGENCY!! HOME EMERGENCY!! ALL PRISONERS’ PRIVILEGES MUST BE TERMINATED!! [ scooping up Marilyn ] I’m sorry, honey, you’re gonna have to get out of here!

[ Marilyn is shoved out of the door, as Mr. Landick begins to shout ]

Mother: [ to Daughter ] What does he want?!

Daughter: They want more room! They want to be moved to the guest bathroom!

Father: [ rushes forward, angry ] What’s wrong with the linen closet?!

Daughter: I don’t know…

Father: Well… what’s he have?

Mother: Well, he has our linen, he has our towels, he has our sheets — oh, heck! He has my mother’s lace tablecloth! [ she holds up the bullhorn ] I’M COMING UP THERE TO NEGOTIATE!! [ linens are thrown down at her ] Watch out! Watch out!

[ Mother rushes up the stairs and screams ]

Father: How long does he think he can hold out?

Tony Delightful: There goes OUR towels and sheets, TOO, you know!!

Father: Alright, Henry! We can sleep on dirty sheets longer than you can go without, young man!!

Tony Delightful: Well, I can’t!! I hate dirty sheets and smelly towels!! We’re with you, Henry!! [ he grabs a china cup and begins to rattle the cell bars ]

[ Mr. Landick begins to throw clothes out of the closet ]

[ Father slams the closet door on Mr. Landick, then rushes toward Tony Delightful ]

Father: And that is our BEST china!! That was a wedding gift!! [ to Daughter ] Alright, get the hose!! Get the hose, hurry up!! [ to his prisoners ] All this is going on your record!! You’re gonna be changing license plates until 2001!! [ he rushes upstairs ]

Tony Delightful: Yeah, well, be nice to the people you meet on the way up, because they’re the same people you’re gonna meet on the way down!! HA HA HA!!!

[ Daughter appears from the kitchen, struggling to pull the garden hose into the living room ]

[ Mother comes down the stairs dragging prisoner Henry by his ear ]

Mother: Don’t you have any manners?! The way you messed up my linene closet, you pig! You best get on out of here, I never want to see you again! Get going! [ she kicks Henry out of the front door ] Get out! Get out of here!

[ Father rushes back downstairs, as Tony Delightful smashes the china cup to the floor ]

Mother: Oh, no! Look at my good china! What are you doing, yoooooouuuu pig!! [ she unlocks his cell ] How was you brought up?! [ she yanks him by the ear and pulls him toward the front door ] Don’t you know what’s good for you?! Just get right out of my house this instant!! [ she shoves him out the door, as Father kicks him in the rear end ] I’m sick of you, you old thing!

[ Mother rushes toward the closet ]

Mother: And YOU, Mr. Closet!! [ she unlocks the closet and thrusts the door open ] You just get yourself right out of there right now!! Where were you brought up, on a farm?! Just get going!! [ she shoves Mr. Landick out the front door ] GOOOO!!!

[ Father and Mother slump on the stairwell and adjust to the sudden silence permeating the house, until at last: ]

Father: [ meekly ] Could we get a dog?

[ Mother crinkles her face ]

[ pull back, with SUPER: “coming up next… Panty Raid on Entebbe” ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts