Category: 1978

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

NBC’s New Image

Fred Silverman … John Belushi

[Seated at his desk, NBC president Fred Silverman,wearing a suit and tie, addresses the camera.]

Fred Silverman: Good evening, I’m Fred Silverman. LastJune, when I became president of NBC, I vowed thatthis network would undergo significant changes toreflect what you, the American TV viewer, wanted tosee. In the four months since I’ve been its president,NBC has undertaken the most extensive researchcampaign in the history of television. The resultsindicated that you, the American TV viewer, wantsomething different, a new look — a new look with newfaces. [holds up reams of computer paper] And,surprisingly, in all our data — the Trendex,Arbitron, and Nielsen surveys — all arrows pointed toone person. Over and over again, one man’s name cameup. And that man’s name … is Frank Zappa. [Cheersand applause.] Quite frankly – quite frankly, no onewas more surprised, you know, as I was. I thought it’dbe Tony Orlando. Personally, I stopped following Zappaafter his Mothers Live at the Fillmore album.Although, that burrito thing still makes me laugh.[laughs, quickly recovers] But the American peoplespoke and NBC listened. And I am proud to announcethat we have signed Frank Zappa to a long-term,exclusive contract … [holds up a contract with agigantic “FRANK ZAPPA” signature scribbled across thebottom – cheers and applause] … with the NationalBroadcasting Company. And you’ll be NBCeeing a lot ofFrank. Hey, and I’m not CBSing you, either. Yes, theentire NBC star-making machinery is behind FrankZappa. This January, he’ll be starring in his ownsituation comedy as a high school basketball coach on”The Zappa Wonders.” And here tonight, to unveil NBC’snew look, Frank Zappa! Live from New York, it’sSaturday Night!

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 3

78c: Frank Zappa

Woman to Woman

Connie Carson…..Gilda Radner
Mrs. Post…..Jane curtin

[ title card ]

[ Music Over: “I Am Woman” ]

[ dissolve to Connie Carlson laughing with her off-camera guest ]

Connie Carson: Hello! And welcome to “Woman to Woman”! I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Today, I’m talking to a woman who, unlike me, does NOT have a career! Who is, in fact, what has so often been called… a mere housewife! Or, as they say in French — a mere managier! Or, as they say in German — a mere hausefrau! I’d like you to meet Mrs. Henry Post! Well, Henry —

Mrs. Post: [ laughing ] No! No, that’s my husband’s name!

Connie Carson: Oh! [ they share the laugh ] Mrs. Post! Uh — here’s a question on the lips of every single woman over 30 years old in America today. They’re asking: “What’s it like to be married?”

Mrs. Post: Well… physically, spiritually — being married is the ultimate. It’s the pinnacle of what a human being can become. Of course, unless you’ve experienced it for yourself — unless you’ve been happily married, in a good relationship, as I have, with someone who loves you as much as my husband loves me — you couldn’t possibly know the… joy! [ she smiles brightly ]

Connie Carson: [ laughing uncomfortably ] Well, let’s backtrack here for a moment, Mrs. Post — how long have you been married?

Mrs. Post: Ohhhh… let’s see. Time flies so fast when you’re happy. Uhh — five years!

Connie Carson: Five years.

Mrs. Post: Yeah!

Connie Carson: Five long years. [ sadistically ] Do you ever regret your decision to commit to ONE person for an ENTIRE lifetime?

Mrs. Post: Oh! Never! Never, never, never, never, never… [ she laughs ] You know, someone like you, someone who’s all alone, uhh — couldn’t possibly understand, but… I an only tell you that being married is probably the most wonderful thing that a peson can experience!

Connie Carson: [ gritting her teeth behind her smile ] But, Mrs. Post, don’t you feel there’s a whole WEALTH of experience and careers that you’re missing by TOTAL committment to a marriage?

Mrs. Post: [ she shakes her head ] No.

Connie Carson: [ uncomfortably ] Well — Mrs. Post, do you still have your wedding dress?

Mrs. Post: Yes, I do! [ she laughs ]

Connie Carson: Don’t you think it was a waste to buy a dress that you only used one day?

Mrs. Post: I — I’ve worn it since.

Connie Carson: You had it dyed?

Mrs. Post: No, no — it was off-white.

Connie Carson: Oh! [ she laughs uncomfortably ] Well, you must have had to return A LOT of wedding gifts?

Mrs. Post: Oh, strangely enough, there were NO duplications!

Connie Carson: Really? [ desperately trying to bait Mrs. Post ] Well, you must STILL be answering those Thank-You notes! You must have a lot of those to answer!

Mrs. Post: Well, I think I answered them all, but if there’s anyone I left out, can I take this opportunity to thank them? [ she faces the camera ] Thank you all SO much for the gifts, AND for the anniversary ones as well! Thank you! [ she laughs pleasantly ]

Connie Carson: Uhhh — you know, everyone, tomorrow, October 22nd, is Mother-in-Law Day! [ she laughs sadistically ] I myself, a single woman with a career, don’t have to worry about that! What are you doing about Mother-in-Law Day?

Mrs. Post: You know, my mother-in-law and I get along SO well. She calls me with recipes, I call her with remedies for certain illnesses. There’s a wealth of information being exchanged between two women who love each other.

Connie Carson: [ laughing more uncomfortably than ever ] Laundry! What about his dirty, filthy socks?

Mrs. Post: Oh! [ she laughs ] Sorting socks in a point of meditation for me!

Connie Carson: [ annoyed ] Mrs. Post, have you ever gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and the toilet seat is UP?!

Mrs. Post: [ she laughs joyously ] Having grown up in a family with SIX brothers, I ALWAYS check before I sit!

Connie Carson: Come on! Come on, Mrs. Post — after five years, has the romance gone out of your marriage? I mean, no bells are ringing, are they?

Mrs. Post: Let me tell you a little story that happened on my birthday. I was at home, my husband was at home with me, the doorbell rang, and a man appeared at the door with a black coat and a little black cap, and he said, “Mrs. Post, I’m here to take you and your husband on your little trip.” Well, I had no idea. So we went, and we got in the car and we drove up to Connecticut to this BEAUTIFUL inn — it was built about 1810 — and we had a delightful dinner. A wonderful dinner, with wine. Then, we went up to a room, and it was beautifully appointed with antiques and there was a HUGE four-poster bed with wildflowers on the bed table. A blazing fire in the fireplace, and we sat in front of the fire and had hot toddies, and then a GLORIOUS night of passion.

Connie Carson: [ stung ] Was there a bathroom in the room?

Mrs. Post: No. It was down the hall.

Connie Carson: [ pleased at this inconvenience ] Oh. So you had to walk down the hall to the bathroom. [ she smirks ]

Mrs. Post: No. He carried me.

Connie Carson: You see? He had to CARRY her down the hall to the bathroom. THAT’S what married life is, being carried down the hall to the bathroom instead of walking on your own two feet! I’m afraid that’s all the time we have on “Woman to Woman”. I’m Connie Carson, a young career woman who’s made a career out of talking to women about women and their careers! Join us next week, when I’ll be talking to Gloria Steinem, about glasses frames and how to choose them!

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


November 4th, 1978

Steve Martin

Van Morrison

None

None

Anne Beatts

Tom Davis

Brian Doyle-Murray

Al Franken

Rosie Shuster
A Special Message From the President of the United StatesSummary: President Jimmy Carter (Dan Aykroyd) tries to convince America that inflation can be its friend.

Recurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter.

Transcript

Montage

Steve Martin’s MonologueSummary: Steve Martin jokes about drugs, then rewards Bill Murray for doing various stunts for the audience’s amusement.

Transcript

Elvis Presley’s CoatSummary: The King may be dead, but his coat lives on and is a major hit at concert performances.

Transcript

What If?Summary: History professor (Laraine Newman) and flight expert (Garrett Morris) ponder the notion of Elenour Roosevelt (Jane Curtin) flying like a bird during World War 2 combat.

Recurring Characters: Franklin Roosevelt, Elenour Roosevelt.

Theodoric of York: Medieval JudgeRecurring Characters: Theodoric of York, Broom Gilda.

Transcript

Van Morrison performs “Wavelength”

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary:

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross.

Transcript

The Festrunks at the BarSummary: Georg (Steve Martin) and Yortuk (Dan Aykroyd) cruise for swinging chicks (Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin) at a singles bar.

Recurring Characters: Georg Festrunk, Yortuk Festrunk.

Transcript

Nerds in the HospitalRecurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Charles Knerlman, Mrs. Loopner, Grant Robinson Jr.

Transcript

Looks at BooksTranscript

Van Morrison performs “Kingdom Hall”

Annoying WaiterSummary: A wisecracking waiter (Dan Aykroyd) serves dinner to Steve Martin and Gilda Radner while doing impressions of their characters and routines.

Note: Because the show ran long, this sketch ended abruptly. Steve Martin promises to do the sketch again the next time he hosts, which doesn’t happen because Dan Aykroyd left the show at the end of this season.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Looks at Books

…..Jane Curtin
Bob Crawford…..Dan Aykroyd

Jane Curtin: Welcome to “Looks at Books”. I’m Jane Curtin, and we’regoing to talk to the man who’s written this book.. [ holds book up ]..Mauled. Please welcome Bob Crawford. Bob, why Mauled?

Bob Crawford: [ face is severely scarred ] Because there are over 150 people mauled by bears in this country every year. You know, the media has portrayed the bear as kind of a friendly, jovial character – you got Smokey the Bear, Sugar Bear, Yogi Bear, Boo Boo.. The truth is, that bears are very dangerous animals.

Jane Curtin: Well, I haven’t had time to actually read your book, Bob. But what exactly was your main interest in writing Mauled?

Bob Crawford: Jane, I wanted to warn people about the dangers of feeding marshmallows to grizzly bears.

Jane Curtin: Well, I can see here, from the book jacket, that you put a lot of the blame on the National Park Service. You feel that they’re not doing all they can to protect bear attacks?

Bob Crawford: That’s right, and I have some proposals. First of all, there should be signs posted prominently on all national park entrances, saying, “Do Not Ride the Bears”. Secondly, park rangers should warn campers, if they find bear cubs, leave them alone. Don’t try to dress them up in children’s clothes or swimsuits, what have you. It makes a great picture, but you’re just playing with fire. Third – and I want to emphasize – Never Feed a Marshmallow to a grizzly bear like this: [ places a marshmallow in his mouth and poses wantingly ]

Jane Curtin: Well, thank you for being on “Looks at Books”, Bob. Maybe we’ll have you back sometime. Are you planning on writing another book?

Bob Crawford: Gosh, I certainly hope not.

Jane Curtin: This has been Jane Curtin for “Looks at Books”. Good night.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

A Special Message From the President of the United States

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: And now, a special message from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening. On Tuesday, we Americans will have the opportunity to exercise our role as citizens in a free democracy. Yet, only a third of the eligible voters will actually cast ballots. The other two-thirds are, in a sense, very lucky. Because they do not know what’s going on.

Last week, I delivered a message on inflation. Since then, the dollar has dropped in value, the stock market has sustained record losses, and the whole sow price index increased 0.9%. In other words, our economic system is screwed, blued and tatooed! We just have to face the fact that there is simply no way to fight inflation in a capitolly-intensive, highly-technological, conflict-riddled, anything-for-a-thrill world of today. That’s why, tonight, I want you to try to look for in inflation, an entirely new word: Inflation is our friend.

For example, consider this: in the year 2000, if current trends continue, the average blue-collar annual wage in this country will be $568,000. Think what this inflated world of the future will mean – most Americans will be millionaires. Everyone will feel like a bigshot. Wouldn’t you like to own a $4,000 suit, and smoke a $75 cigar, drive a $600,000 car? I know I would! But what about people on fixed incomes? They have always been the true victims of inflation. That’s why I will present to Congress the “Inflation Maintenance Program”, whereby the U.S. Treasury will make up anyinflation-caused losses to direct tax rebates to the public in cash. Then you may say, “Won’t that cost a lot of money? Won’t that increase the deficit?” Sure it will! But so what? We’ll just print more money! We have the papers, we have the mints.. I can just call up the Bureau of Engraving and say, “Hi! This is Jimmy. Roll out some of them twenties! Print up a couple thousand sheets of those Century Notes!” Sure, all these dollars will cause even more inflation, but who cares? Everyone will be a millionaire!

In my speech last week, I said that America would have to undergo an austerity program, but since this revolutionary new approach welcomes inflation, our economy will be free to grow, and we can spend, spend, spend! I believe the watchwords for the 80’s should be “Let’s Party!” And in that spirit, I’d like to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 4

78d: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

Elvis Presley’s Coat

Black Woman…..Yvonne Hudson

[ Music Open: “Love Me Tender” ]

Announcer: The New Jersey Civic Colisseum is proud to present… appearing live for a limited engagement… Elvis Presley’s Coat!

[ music segues to “Hound Dog” ]

Announcer: Hear the hits of the King, and see the Coat that made him famous.

[ flash shots of the Coat performing “Jailhouse Rock” to a packed crowd ]

Group of Girls: [ being interviewed outside ] It’s sexy! It’s very sexy!

[ Coat shakes while performing “All Shook Up” ]

Old Woman: It’s simply mind-boggling!

Hippie: Uncanny.

Woman: It’s visual.

Man: It was remarkable, I’m gonna have to bring the kids!

Announcer: Said one critic, “It was the closest thing to Elvis himself.”

[ wearing a lei, the Coat performs “Blue Hawaii” ]

Old Man: Wow! The lights!

Second Woman: The sound.

Second Man: I think I’ve seen all of the imitation Coat shows.. but they don’t compare to the real thing.

Announcer: The King may be dead, but the Coat lives on. Engagement begins Tuesday, November 7th.

[ SUPER: “BEGINS TUESDAY, NOV. 7th
New Jersey Civic Coliseum
Tickets Available at Box Office” ]

Black Woman: It’s a trip! You really have to see it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: 1978-1979




The Complete Fourth Season on DVD

Starring:

Dan Aykroyd

John Belushi

Jane Curtin

Garrett Morris

Bill Murray

Laraine Newman

Gilda Radner

Episodes

10/07/78: The Rolling Stones

10/14/78: Fred Willard / Devo

10/21/78: Frank Zappa

11/04/78: Steve Martin / Van Morrison

11/11/78: Buck Henry / The Grateful Dead

11/18/78: Carrie Fisher / The Blues Brothers

12/02/78: Walter Matthau / (none)

12/09/78: Eric Idle / Kate Bush

12/16/78: Elliott Gould / Peter Tosh

01/27/79: Michael Palin / The Doobie Brothers

02/10/79: Cicely Tyson / Talking Heads

02/17/79: Rick Nelson / Judy Collins

02/24/79: Kate Jackson / Delbert McClinton

03/10/79: Gary Busey / Eubie Blake & Gregory Hines

03/17/79: Margot Kidder / The Chieftains

04/07/79: Richard Benjamin / Rickie Lee Jones

04/14/79: Milton Berle / Ornette Coleman

05/12/79: Michael Palin / James Taylor

05/19/79: Maureen Stapleton / Linda Ronstadt & Phoebe Snow

05/26/79: Buck Henry / Bette Midler

Summary   Here’s a season that decided to go over the top and push the boundaries of good taste as much as possible. In one season alone, the writers and performers of “Saturday Night Live” made fun of child molesting, people with big butts, a bleeding Julia Child, nuclear meltdowns, and the pondering of Superman as a Nazi.

   On the lighter side, making his debut this season is “SNL” writer DonNovello’s alter ego: Vatican reporter Father Guido Sarducci, who frequents the “Weekend Update” set with humorous anecdotes about news on the religious front. Whether it be his thoughts on the Papal Election, or an analysis of the bill for the Last Supper, Father Sarducci always manages to get the audience to laugh at religion. Not to mention, providing yet another opportunity for critics to hate the show.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:







Bit Players:


October 7th, 1978

The Rolling Stones

The Rolling Stones

None

Howard Shore

Cheryl Hardwick

Ed Koch

Carrie Fisher

Don Novello

Anne Beatts

Rosie Shuster

Brian Doyle-Murray

Mitchell Laurance

Tom Davis
Howard Shore and his SoundsSummary: Garrett Morris, girl singers (Laraine Newman, Jane Curtin, Gilda Radner), and Howard Shore and his Sounds perform the song “I Love You”, about the NBC chimes.

Transcript

Montage

Mayor Koch Honors John BelushiSummary: Mayor Ed Koch honors “Animal House” star John Belushi with a City of New York Certificate of Merit.

Transcript

AutoscentSummary: Joan (Jane Curtin) invites Pat (Gilda Radner) to sniff her new internal combustion deodorizer.

Transcript

TomorrowSummary: Tom Snyder (Dan Aykroyd) interviews Rolling Stones front man Mick Jagger and tries to mimick his performance style.

Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

Transcript

The Nerds and The NorgeSummary: As Todd (Bill Murray) vies to become the new Chess Club President, Lisa (Gilda Radner) and Mrs. Loopner (Joan Curtin) hire a low-pants wearing repairman (Dan Aykroyd) to salvage their old Norge.

Recurring Characters: Lisa Loopner, Todd DiLaMuca, Mrs. Loopner.

Transcript

Olympia CafeSummary: Pete’s (John Belushi) journey to Greece to collect an inheritance is a bust, and the sight of a revamped cafe in his absence further outrages his broken soul.

Recurring Characters: Pete Dionasopolis, George Dionasopolis, Sandy Dionasopolis, Niko Dionasopolis, Mike Dionasopolis.

Transcript

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill MurraySummary: Bill Murray takes Jane Curtin’s side during a Point-Counterpoint debate on the ERA ratification. Roseanne Roseannadanna’s commentary on Studio 54 meanders into her disgust over a blister on Mr. Halston’s foot.

Recurring Characters: Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Transcript

The Rolling Stones perform “Beast of Burdon”, “Respectable”, “Shattered”

Sushi By The Pool

Reuniting The BeatlesRecurring Characters: President Jimmy Carter, John Lennon, Paul McCartney.

Transcript

Network Battle of the T’s & A’sTranscript

Danger ProbeRecurring Characters: Dave Mable.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Autoscent

Pat…..Gilda Radner
Joan…..Jane Curtin

Pat: [ sees Joan drive up ] Hi, Joan!

Joan: [ getting out of her car ] Oh, hi, Pat!

Pat: I just thought I’d drop by today to see the color of the handtowels you’re using in the spare bathroom.

Joan: Oh, sure. Come on in.

Pat: [ sniffing ] Hmm.. something sure smells like lilac. Are youwearing a new perfume?

Joan: Thanks, Pat! But it’s not me – it’s my car.

Pat: Your car smells that good?

Joan: Sure.. [ reaches into her shopping bag ] ..with AutoScent, theinternal combustion deodorizer.

Pat: [ reads the bottle ] AutoScent exhaust freshener.. [ happy ]Lilac! How does it work?

Joan: Oh, it’s so easy – here, let me show you. [ opens herhood ] All you do is pump AutoScent into the carborator every 800 miles, orwhenever you want to change the scent.

Pat: Joan, you never told me you knew anything about carborators.

Joan: Oh, sure.. I can tear down a car in nothing flat! But you don’thave to do that to use AutoScent! [ sprays AutoScent into the carborator ]My exhaust has been smelling like lilacs all week, but today I want it tosmell like a pine forest. Go ahead – smell the tailpipe.

Pat: [ kneels down to smell at the rear of the car as Joan pressesthe exhaust pedal, releasing toxic smoke in the air ] Mmm! It reallyworks!

Announcer: AutoScent – the automobile exhaust freshener. In fourexciting fragrances – Lilac, Lemon-Lime, Pine Forest, and Musk. Anenvironmentally-safe pump spray.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1

78a: The Rolling Stones

Reuniting The Beatles

President Jimmy Carter…..Dan Aykroyd
John Lennon…..John Belushi
Paul McCartney…..Bill Murray

[ open on exterior, White House ]

Walter Cronkite V/O: And now we take you to the White House, where President Carter has a surprise announcement.

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office ]

President Jimmy Carter: Good evening. The success of the Camp David summit two weeks ago is a great accomplishment for the entire world, as well as for myself. After I looked at those polls, I said to myself, “Jimmy… why don’t you just keep doing what you do best — bringing people with seemingly irreconcilable differences together, and making them see that there is a common ground on which to base agreement?” For the last thirteen days, unbeknownst to the press, I’ve been meeting secretly at Camp David with Mr. John Lennon and Mr. Paul McCartney.

[ reveal Lennon and McCartney in a wide shot ]

The success of our talks far exceeded our expectations. And I’m happy to announce that we’ve agreed to sign a document called “A Framework for the Reunion of The Beatles”.

[ cut to stock footage of a crowd applauding ]

Now… there still are some disagreements. A lot depends on the availablity of George and Ringo to join in the negotiations, but… Secretary Vance will leave tomorrow for London to meet with George, and… we feel confident that Ringo will do anything. If everything goes well, The Beatles will launch a 30-city tour of the United States sometime, hopefully, before November 1980. Plus: The Beatles will release an original long-play record album, which I’m proud to predict will be shipped double-platinum.

Allow me now to read some of the key terms of the framework:

* Richard “Ringo” Starkey will play percussion, drums at all Beatle concerts, however, in the recording studio, Mr. Starkey’s performance may or may not be required on certain selections at the discretion of Mr. Paul McCartney.

* George Harrison will be limited to one song per album, considering matters pertaining to the Indian subcontinent.

* Yoko Ono will not sing, hum, scream, hum, talk, or make any vocal sounds on any Beatle album or during any live Beatle performance.

[ applause from the crowd ]

* Linda Eastman McCartney will not sing, hum, scream, murmer, talk, or play a tambourine on any Beatle album or during any live Beatle performance.

[ applause from the crowd ]

These two men, my friends, each made painful concessions in the spirit of compromise. [ he holds both their hands ] But if it hadn’t been for may people, working behind the scenes, we wouldn’t be here tonight. And I especially want to thank Secretary Simon Vance and Smokey Robinson. I guess you could say it was a long and winding road… but, as I said to Paul and John as we flew here from Camp David, “I think that we proved that, in the end, as someone once said, ‘The love you take is equal to the love you make.'”

[ applause from the crowd ]

Paul McCartney: Let me say this about my friend President Carter: this man has great, great courage, and he worked night and day and so did we. We usually didn’t get to bed until three or four in the morning, and then we’d get up again around three or four in the afternoon. The President was already up and working!

John Lennon: That’s right. As you know, Paul and I have our disagreements, but we’ve promised President Carter that we would write our first new song together in about three months. Paul, I hope we do it longer than three months — I mean, sooner than three months. Sorry, Paul.

[ Lennon and McCartney stand up and hug, as “The End” plays in the background and President Carter beams proudly ]

[ dissolve to exterior, White House ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts