Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 4: Episode 1








78a: The Rolling Stones

Weekend Update with Jane Curtin & Bill Murray

.....Jane Curtin
.....Bill Murray
Roseanne Roseannadanna.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update", with the "Weekend Udpdate" news team. Brought to you by Goatex: the sanitary napkin for your nanny. Here are co-anhorpersons Bill Murray and Jane Curtin.

Jane Curtin: Good evening, I'm Jane Curtin. And, before we start the news, I want to announce a personnel change here at "Weekend Update". Dan Aykroyd, who had been by co-anchorperson, has been kicked upstairs to Station Manager. Needless to say, we all wish him luck and sincerely hope he does a better job as Station Manager than he did as newscaster! But I am happy to say that Dan is being replaced a most capable, highly respected broadcast-journalist, who will report the news with credibility and dignity. Please welcome Mr. Bill Murray.

[ the audience applauds ]

Bill Murray: [ hoarsely ] Hello, you maniacs! Well, they've got me doing the hard news this year, and I LOVE it! It's incredible! I've been reading up on things that have been going on, and I'll tell you something: it's opened up a whole new world to me! It's fascinating stuff. Take our top story or tonight, for example:

There's a war going on in Beirut, Lebanon. 700 people have been KILLED this week. Now, as I understand it, Syria is trying to draw Israel into a war so that Israel won't sign a treaty with Egypt. Now, this is incredible: the Jews -- Egyptians! -- are trying to be good, but the Syrians won't LET 'em! I mean, we have NOTHING like this is show business! I mean, yeah -- some backstabbers, sure. But, I mean, I get into an argument with somebody -- if it gets to where we're going to throw punches, I turn around and walk away. You know? But these people are using guns, they're using artillery, they're dropping bombs -- I mean, I get mad at Columbia Pictures, what am I gonna do? Go over there and drop a BOMB on them? You know what my name would be in this town, or any other? M-U-D-H-I-T. And I mean that. Anyway, something has got to be done about this war. I mean, Syria is just way the H out of line on this, I'm telling you. Jane, it's incredible! Do the hard news, and you'll learn a lot about people. Wow! Ouch!

[ image: President Jimmy Carter ] Now, here's a story. I don't even know why it's here. Congress sustains a veto on a water project. Who cares?! There are peole being KILLED in Lebanon! [ he slams the report on the desk ]

The A.M.A. -- D.E.S. -- Cancer of the cervix -- [ pauses ] I think there's certain things that shouldn't be talked about on TV, and this is one of them!

The selection process for the Pope. [ he pauses ] We did this a MONTH ago! Look, Jane -- have you got anything interesting over there, honey?

Jane Curtin: As most of you around the country are aware, we here in New York have been having a newspaper strike for a couple of months, and New Yorkers have had to rely almost solely on rumor for their information. So, for you New Yorkers, "Weekend Update" would like to clear up just a few of those rumors. First of all, Julie Nixon Eisenhower did NOT bear a Mongoloid baby. Convicted Son of Sam slayer, David Berkowitz, is NOT engaged to Phyllis George. John Paul I did NOT die in his sleep last week, but he WAS buried last Thursday.

Bill Murray: Now... here's an interesting story: this week, the Senate voted 60 to 36 to extend the period for ratification of the Equal Rights Amendment to June 30th, 1982. And that is the subject of tonight's Point-Counterpoint.

Jane Curtin: [ fueled ] Bill, the argument that the extension of ERA is unconstitutional is full of the same substance that YOU are full of! Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that Congress cannot extend the ratification period! You pigs simply grab at any excuse to keep women in a subservient role! To be exploited as vapid sex objects like the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders! ERA needs the time to clear upthose vicious misconceptions and lies spread by its opponents! ERA will NOT mandate military service for women, unisex bathrooms, and the abolition of alimony, Bill! Put THAT in your jockstrap and SNAP IT, Bill!

[ the audience squeals ]

Bill Murray: [ slightly offended ] Well, Jane, you know something, uh... you've got a point there! Uhhh -- I've been flip-flopping on this issue all along, to tell you the truth, and, uh -- at first, I was all for it. But then, somebody told me about this bathroom thing, and I... I know from experience that it can take me up to fifteen minutes to urinate if there is a girl in the same room. Uh -- so then I heard the women didn't want it, so I figured if the women didn't want it, then why FORCE it on them? And, now, you, Jane, uh... you know, a woman, uhhh, coming OUT for it... obviously, you know what you're talking about. I've changed my mind! You've changed it all around! Now, what should we do on a thing like this? I mean, do we send telegrams, or... what do we say? I mean, hey! State legislators! GET ON THE BALL!!!

[ Jane is obviously dumbstruck by a Poiint-Counterpoint in which the same point is presented by both parties ]

Bill Murray: Alright, uh -- [ the audience applauds ] Yeah! This is great! We're getting something done here! Alright!

A Morning After birth control pill, developed at the University of Florida, has proven to be 99% effective. Hey! GREAT news! Only one pregnancy occurred among 359 women who started the medication within 72 hours after unprotected sexual intercourse. [ he holds up the device ] Now, it's called a Post-Obligatory Interceptive, and I have a sample right here -- enough for three inceptions. They're not gonna do me any good. Here, Jane -- a whole year's supply for ya'!

[ he tosses it to her and laughs ]

Oh, it's just so TIGHT! And I got you with THAT one, Jane! Great!

[ Jane fakes a smile ]

Jane Curtin: Here's some good news: The world's second test-tube baby was born Tuesday in Calcutta. Doctors there predict that now all Indian women, even those sterilized by the previous government, will be able to have more children. And, what's more, the procedure is so inexpensive that even the poorest Indians can afford it. As for the seven-pound, six-ounce girl, mother and daughter are both starving comfortably.

In the last few years, discos have become a big part of the entertainment scene. Now here to file her report on one of New York's more popular discotheques, is correspondent Roseanne Roseannadanna.

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Thanks a lot, Jane! Thank you! A Mr. Richard Fader from Frot Lee, New Jersey writes: "Dear Roseanne Roseannadanna, tell me about Studio 54. Why is it so hard to get in? Can I get in? Do I gotta get a ticket to get in? Do I gotta know someone to get in? Do I gotta be famous to get in? What's it like when I do get in, and if I do get in, is it real hard to get out?" Mr. Fader, you sure ask a lot of questions for someone from New Jersey! But you wrote to the right lady! 'Cause last night, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, went to Studio 54! 'Cause I love to dance! I don't want to brag, but I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, can really shake, shake, shake, shake my booty! And, besides, I wanted to see how the "beautiful" people get crazy.

So I go in, and who do I see first but that fancy designer Mr. Halston. And he looked so depressed, I thought he was gonna DIE!! And then I noticed that he wasn't wearing sensible shoes. He was dancing in these tight, black, sleazy, ankle-high boots -- the kind you imagine that Frankie Valli wears? Well, anyway -- Halston shows me how the inside of his shoe scraped against the heel of his foot, and he got a big blister! And the blister BROKE, so he put a Band-aid on it. Well, then the shoe started rubbing against the Band-aid, and then the Band-aid gets all curled up and gets this liquid stuff on it -- you don't know WHAT it is! I man, that guy may be one of the beautiful people, but his foot made me SICK!

[ Roseanne Roseannadanna stops to put Mr. Richard Fader's letter back in its envelope ]

Jane Curtin: Is -- is that all? Is that all you have to say about the place? Isn't there anything else?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: What do you mean?

Jane Curtin: I mean... do they serve food? Is there a band? What's the sound system like? Are there black lights? Is there a bar? Is it in a good neighborhood? Do you gotta know somebody to get in? Is it al lit's cracked up to be? You know?

[ Jane frantically waves her arms around, only to be mimicked by a singing Roseanne Roseannadanna ]

Jane Curtin: Roseanne! Roseanne! Roseanne! Studio 54 is supposed to be very chic and glamorous, and everybody wants to know about it. What's it like in there?

Roseanne Roseannadanna: Well, Jane -- just between you and me... it's crazy nuts! They got guys dancing with guys... girls dancing with girls... guys who look like girls dancing with girls who look like guys... girls who look like dogs dancing with themselves... guys who look like dogs dancing with dogs. It's just like my father always used to say to me before I went to bed. [ she turns her gaze to Jane's ear ] He said: "Roseanne Roseannadanna, Studio 54 is just like Jane's ear. From the outside, it's very pretty and could be very glamorous with jewelry and diamonds and glitter, very attractive and very nice and everything... but on the inside, it's real dark and it's got some weird stuff in there, I don't know WHAT it is! Good night, my little Roseanne Roseannadanna!"

Jane Curtin: That's the news. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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