Menage A Trois

Menage A Trois

Carl…..Eddie Murphy
First Male…..Jim Belushi
First Female…..Mary Gross
Second Male…..Tim Kazurinsky
Second Female…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[ open on three people entering apartment after a night out together ]

Carl: [ grabs some wine ] I love the both of you, alright! This night has been beautiful, Iswear to you!

First Male: Hey, come on, how about that restaurant? Was that great!

Carl: That was marvelous! I loved the restaurant. You know, I didn’t know you could get Scottish pizza, I didn’t know that!

First Female: It was good, wasn’t it?

Carl: Hey, listen, let me tell you something, from the bottom of my heart, alright? You didn’t have to pick up the check.

First Male: Hey, come on! Can’t we buy a pal some dinner?

Carl: Aw, that’s beautiful. But I have to tell the both of you something – that this was the most beautiful evening of my life, and I hope it never ends!

First Male: Thank you, Carl, and you know something? [ puts arm around Carl ] It doesn’t have to end here.

Carl: [ pause, changes subject ] Hey, man, you want to watch “Friday Night Videos”?

First Male: No, Carl. I’m telling you.. it dosn’t have to end here.

Carl: Now, what is this – “It doesn’t have to end here”? I mean, what is this?

First Female: [ moves closer, wraps arm around Carl ] What’s the matter, Carl? You like us, don’t you?

Carl: Sure, I like you.. I mean no.. I mean.. listen, what are you two talking about?!

First Female: Come on, Carl, don’t be a tease.. you said you loved us.

Carl: Yeah, well, actually, what I meant when I said I loved you was that..

First Male: Look, look.. you know, there are a lot of guys out there that think we’re very attractive! Cute!

First Female: Here, have another drink, you.. [ pours wine in Carl’s glass ]

Carl: No, no, no, no, no! I’m not gonna have another drink! Listen, what you’re trying to do is get me drunk. Alright? And I don’t like myself when I’m drunk. And I refuse to get drunk tonight. I had enough to drink tonight..

First Male: Hey, look, if you didn’t like us, why’d you go out with us in the first place?!

Carl: Listen, now.. what.. what.. I do like you! But what you don’t see is.. I thought it was gonna be friends, and just having friends.. I didn’t realize..

First Male: [ outraged ] Friends?! Friends?! That’s what we are to you – just friends?! We call you up, we take you out, you say “Great!” We go out, we have a great time, and you call us friends?! I mean, it’s like acquaintances, or something!

First Female: Aw, Carl.. why did you let us pick up the check then, huh? Baby, this is bigger than the three of us..

Carl: Listen, okay.. it’s not that I don’t like you two, it’s just that.. listen, let me tell you something.. I’m very confused right now, alright.. now, you two are my friends, and you’re beautiful.. but you’re asking me to do something here, that, as a man, in my heart.. no, no, no, no!

[ Second Couple enters ]

Second Female: Hi, Honey, we’re home! [ sees First Couple ]

Second Male: [ analyzing the situation ] Who are these two?

Carl: This is not how it looks.

Second Female: Carl, how could you? Doesn’t our menage-a-trois mean anything to you?

Second Male: Out working late.. working our fingers to the bone! We come home to find you with another couple!

Carl: This is not another couple.. this is a couple of friends.

Second Male: Yeah, you looked pretty friendly just now!

Second Female: [ weeping ] You know, you work years at establishing a good menage, and then it’s just destroyed in one night!

Carl: [ begging ] Oh, come on, Honeys..

Second Male: [ frowning at the First Couple ] I hope you two are happy! Housewreckers!

First Male: Hey, come on.. We didn’t know he was involved. Honestly!

First Female: No, no, listen.. we don’t want to bust up anyone’s scene..

First Female: Forget it! Forget it! [ to Carl ] We’re not staying another night in this house with you, you tramp!

Carl: Listen, hold up, before we get out of hand.. listen.. listen.. We’ve got some wine here, we’ve got nice lighting.. why don’t we just, the five of us, have a little party together?

First Female: [ standing ] Euuugghh.. you are sick..

First Male: [ points finger ] You’re sick! You’re a SICK man!! [ pulls his wife ] Come on! There are some couples in this world that believe menage-a-trois are sacred! [ turns to leave with the Second Couple ] Sick!

Carl: [ breaking character, turns to address the audience ] Thank you! That was “Menage-A-Trois”! The “Menage-A-Trois Players”, everyone! Jim Belushi! [ Belushi re-enters, bows and exits ] Mary Gross! [ Gross re-enters, bows and exits ] Julia Louis-Dreyfus! [ Louis-Dreyfus re-enters, bows and exits ] And, the man in the moustache, Tim Kazurinsky! [ Kazurinsky re-enters, bows and exits ]

[ Eddie Murphy grabs Kazurinsky’s hand, as the “Menage-A-Trois Players” all enter the scene for one collective bow to fade ]

SNL Transcripts

60 Minutes

60 Minutes

Interviewer…..Tim Kazurinsky
Richard Nixon…..Joe Piscopo

[ open on graphic of the ticking clock from “60 Minutes” ]

Announcer: Tonight on “60 Minutes”, Richard Nixon speaks again.

[ SUPER: April 14, 1994 ]

Interviewer: Mr. Nixon, ten years ago you were paid half-a-million dollars for some interviews, which appeared on “60 Minutes”. It’s now 9194, and we’ve paid you five million dollars for the opportunity to talk to you again. Now, if your grandchildren were to ask you today, “Grandpa, what were the 1984 interviews all about?” what would you tell them?

Richard Nixon: Well, I’d say they were a stupid mistake, uh.. not for me, I made a bundle off of them! But they were a stupid mistake for CBS.

Interviewer: Why?

Richard Nixon: Well, because I lied right through the nose! I, uh.. I’d have been crazy not to.

Interviewer: But, why?

Richard Nixon: Because I wouldn’t have gotten the five million out of you for thse interviews! You know, during Watergate, Tricia, my daughter, said it eloquently when she said, “Daddy, you’re such a dork!”

Interviewer: Well, now that you are at the end of your life, how does it feel to be the most villified man in the country?

Richard Nixon: Uh.. sensational! I love it! Uh.. let me tell you, if you lie and cheat, and betray a nation’s trust, people will hate you. And if they hate you, they will want to know all about you, and if they want to know all about you, they’ve got to

Interviewer: But surely..

Richard Nixon: Hey! George McGovern! Everybody loved him. He helped the poor, hated war, the whole country thought he was a saint. The sucker never made a nickel!

Interviewer: In 184, you said, and I quote, “I don’t mind people looking at public officials with a microscope, but not a proctoscope.”

Richard Nixon: Well, that’s a lot of bull.. I love it when the press uses one of those things. In fact, if you really want to get inside Dick Nixon’s head, you have to use a proctoscope!

Interviewer: Well, let me tell you, this is quite shocking, sir. Could we move on to world leaders? Leonid Breznev..

Richard Nixon: Homo!

Interviewer: Well.. Indira Gandhi..

Richard Nixon: Slut!

Interviewer: Sir.. in the midst of this pack of lies, is there anything you can say that is irrefutably true?

Richard Nixon: [ thinks, blinking profusely, seconds pass ] Well.. yes, there is..

Interviewer: What?

Richard Nixon: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts