[ Rene walks over to the television, and touches the knob ]
Tim: No! No, I don’t want to watch television! I haven’t wanted to watch television since you disconnected the sound, Rene. No, Rene, please! Listen. Rene. Did Deborah call here tonight? [ Rene shrugs ] Did she? [ Rene shrugs again ] I’m sorry, I have to go to the bathroom, alright? Will you excuse me? Thanks.
[ Tim walks across the room, as Rene follows in a mimicking fashion ]
Tim: By myself!
[ Tim exits to the bathroom. Rene sits on the couch and picks up the newspaper. Forgetting himself, he drops the newspaper, then mimes reading an invisible newspaper. ] [ the phone rings ]
Voice of Tim: If that’s Deborah, don’t let her hang up!
[ Rene answers the phone, not saying a word ]
Voice of Deborah: Tim, it’s Deborah. Now, please, just listen to me. All I want to say is.. I’m sorry.
[ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]
Voice of Deborah: Oh, come on! I said I’m sorry! The least you can do is accept my apology!
[ Rene is silent, but makes faces at the phone ]
Voice of Deborah: Alright, fine! Well, if you’re going to be a baby, then I guess we are through!
[ Tim comes running back into the room ]
Tim: Give it to me! Give me the phone! [ Rene won’t let go ] Come on! Please! Rene! Come on! [ grabs the phone loose ] Hello! Hello!
[ the dial tone sounds ]
Tim: Who was it, Rene? [ Rene shrugs ] Rene, Rene! Who was that?! Was that Deborah? [ Rene points to his own face ] Rene! [ grabs Rene’s shoulders ] I hate you, Rene! I hate mimes! Everybody hates mimes, Rene! Do you understand me?! [ Rene pats at Tim’s chest ] You’re not even a good mime, Rene! [ grabs Rene by the throat ] Rene! Rene, I could kill you! You hear me? I could kill you, and I could get away with it, because nobody would hear your screams, Rene!
[ Tim tosses Rene back and forth by the neck, then releases his grip. Rene continues to mime being tossed about. ]
Tim: Rene! I gotta get a grip on myself! I need some air – excuse me, Rene!
[ Tim prepares to open the window, as Rene mimes walking against the wind ]
Tim: No! Stop it! Stop it! Not the walking against the wind – just stop it, Rene! It is my fault! I never should have moved in here, no matter how broke I was! I never should have moved in here! living with you, it’s driving me crazy!!
[ Tim throws his arms around wildly in frustration, which Rene mirrors exactly ]
Tim: No! Rene! Not the mirror, please! Rene! Not the mirror! Rene, I hate the mirror! God!
[ frustrated, Tim pulls a gun out of a desk drawer and points it at Rene ]
Tim: You! Because of you, my life is going nowhere, Rene! I’m warning you! Rene, I’m at the end of my rope!
[ Rene mimes playing tug-of-war with a rope ]
Tim: Rene! No!
[ neighbors begin to pound on the door, concerned by the commotion coming from within ]
Voice of Neighbors: Hey!! What’s going on in there?!
Tim: This miming! It’s a sickness! It’s a disease, Rene! God, I feel like I’m talking to a wall!!
[ Rene mimes moving his hands up a glass wall ]
Tim: No! Not the wall, Rene! Please! Rene! Don’t! Aaaaggghhhh!!!
[ Tim finally shoots Rene ]
Rene: God, man.. how real!
[ Rene collapses onto the couch, as the neighbors come bursting through the door ]
Male Neighbor: What was that? Oh, my God! What happened?
Tim: [ shocked by the result of his frustration ] I.. I killed a mime.
[ a beat ]
Neighbors: [ thrilled ] Alright!! Hey, buddy!!
[ the neighbors crowd around to pay achievement to Tim’s victory ] [ zoom out to fade ]
[Applause for host Billy Crystal who stands in frontof a fancy backdrop labeled “MUSIC HALL” and addressesthe camera.]
Billy Crystal: Thank you. I– [waits forapplause to end] I am, uh, especially thrilled to bethe host of Saturday Night Live tonight. This is showthree-seventy. Three hundred and seventy shows. I waspart of – the first show. You may not have–[scattered applause] But you didn’t see me. … Andthat is what this story’s quickly about.
You know, when you’re doing something new– This was1975 and I was a new comic. I was “Bill” Crystal then– I was too hip for the “Y” and– … There was thisexciting show called Saturday Night Live and we werehere and I was part of the first show. The guest hostwas George Carlin and there was Andy Kaufman, ValriBromfield who’s on “The New Show,” Billy Preston,Janis Ian and it was great. And that cast who youloved.
Now, things happen when you do a show — especially ashow like this and you see how crazy we are — thingsmovin’, things gettin’ cut, “Is this gonna work?That’s gonna work?,” the show was different in dressrehearsal than it is now and stuff. I was part ofthat. A piece of material I did was too long for theshow — and I got bumped. I wasn’t on the first show.I walked out those doors there. [points] Had to callmy relatives, which was the worst. [imitating oldJewish man on the phone] “What do you mean?! What didyou do?! Did you get FIRED?!” …
So now I want to do for you the piece of material Ididn’t get a chance to do nine years ago. Okay?[applause] So–
Voice of director Dave Wilson: Billy, Billy,Billy!
Billy Crystal: [looks up] What? What?
Voice of director Dave Wilson: I’m sorry,Billy, you won’t be able to do it. We’re out oftime.
Billy Crystal: [annoyed and disappointed]Ohhhh. [apologetic, to the camera] I’ll see you inanother nine years. [to the director] That’s not fair,Dave! That’s not fair!
[Applause as we dissolve to a bumper photo of Crystal,his hand to his face with one eye peeking out betweenhis spread fingers.]
Robin Williams: Thank you! Thank you, band! Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to Neuvo York!
Those of you have been watching the Olympics, know that there’s some heavy stuff going down! Obviously, the strange thing about the Olympics to me is that there’s not many brothers in the Olympics, if you know wht I’m saying. Not too many people doing soem break-skating, going, “Ow! Check it out!” [ demosntrates a breakdance move ] Some people in the bobsled team are black, brother on the bobsled team – “Larry! I like a woman who likes to slide!” [ makes a slide move ] Also in the Olympics, they have little controversies, always a problem with steroids. Ask people: “Do you take steroids?” [ makes horse ninny sound, stomps foot on floor ] “No way!” And sex tests, they always give the old sex test. [ raises arms, speaks in falsetto voice ] “I can’t see you!” Strange. And if you win in the Olympics, then you get to go for the big money. You know what I’m talking about. It’s always the commercials you see after the Olympics. It’s something like.. [ makes skiing sound effects, speaks with French accent ] “Hello. Jean-Claude Killey for Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage.” You know?
Ladies and gentlemen! The best news for me, I have, is that I’m a father. [ audience cheers lously ] Yes! The responsibility! Being a father, you can’t drink any more. You can’t come home drunk, going.. [ drunkenly ] “Daddy wants to play! Here’s a little switch – I’m gonna throw up on you!” You can’t do anything! You can’t come home: “Go to sleep!” “Noooo.” No, being a father, you feel incredible. It’s outrageous. The best thing for me is, well.. watching my baby breasteed. It’s something very special. I know he’s only ten months old, but that’s enough! Because I have this incredible fear, I have this fear that, during the night, a midget came in and took his place. So while my wife’s breastfeeding, there’s this midget going, “Hey, nice tomatoes! How are ya’!”
[ hums Twilight Zone theme ]
And the incredible thing, being a celebrity you can’t spank him, ’cause when you go to spank him, he goes.. [ in baby voice ] “If you hit me, I’ll write a book!” The only thing you can do – the only time you can ever get him back is: “It’s bedtime, son. Oh, you sleep well – behind you!! Oh, just kidding!
For me, it’s outrageous. Being a father. You feel like some sort of superhero. It’s like: Fatherman! My baby looks at me the other day, it’s incredible. He goes.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” Then, he looks at the dog.. [ in baby voice ] “Dada!” It’s outrageous, it gives me an incredible sense of well-being. I look at him sometimes, and I go: “Yes! I’m a superhero! I am Fatherman! With my all-powerful “No! Put that down!” But.. the only thing Fatherman cannot deal with is.. baby kaka. From little tiny babies, comes some very foul stuff. You can always tell. People walk by and go.. [ sniffing ] “You have a baby, don’t you?” “Yes.” Yes, even the dogs over there – after a few months, the dogs are going.. [ sniffing ] “Phew! I’m leaving! I’ll be back! you know, you could cure him of that if you’d just put his nose in it once! Just once! I bet he’d stop! You wouldn’t have to do all that stuff with the diapers!”
The main thing – the main thing about the kid – the midget, as we call him, the special one – he gives me a great sense. I feel good about him, because I always have this dream – I have this dream.. well, like, I guess, every father – but you have a dream that maybe one day.. one day, it’ll be my son accepting the Nobel Prize. I also have this other dream where it’s my son going.. [ in redneck twang ] “You want fries with this?”
Teacher … Robin Duke Mr. York … Billy Crystal Roger … Jim Belushi 1st Student … Gary Kroeger 2nd Student … Tim Kazurinsky 3rd Student … Julia Louis-Dreyfus Sleeping Student … Brad Hall
[High school classroom. CLASS OF ’84 COLLEGE DAY iswritten on the chalkboard. The students chatternoisily as the teacher brings the class toorder.]
Teacher: Okay! Students! Students, could wehave quiet, please? Students! Students, this is Mr.York. He’s from Winston University.
[The teacher sits as the wimpy, bespectacled collegerecruiter Mr. York stands at the front of the room infront of an easel displaying a large card with a colorphoto of the campus and struggles through a weak salespitch.]
Mr. York: Thank you. [hesitantly, to the class]Hi. Um, Winston University is a four-year liberal artsinstitution which is located just thirty-five mileswest of Boulder, Colorado. Uh, you kids like to ski?
[The apathetic students pay little attention to any ofthis. Someone responds unenthusiastically.]
Mr. York: No? ‘Kay. [next card shows a photo ofa science building] Uh, this is the sciencebuilding. And we’ve got excellent laboratoryfacilities on campus, very modern equipment. Is, uh,anyone here interested in science? [long pause,no response] No?
[Suddenly, a jock named Roger, wearing football shirtand sunglasses, speaks up.]
Mr. York: You?
Roger: Yeah. I – I’m interested in, uh,aerodynamics. Look! [throws a paper airplane and makesloud noises, imitating a screaming fighter jetshooting exploding missiles, etc. He and the otherstudents laugh.]
Teacher: [rises, sternly] Roger! Roger, behaveyourself! Turn– Roger, turn around! [chastises theclass] Now, you people are seniors now! This CollegeDay is for your benefit! You only have two moreyears to decide about your future — so I suggest thatyou pay attention. [returning to her seat] Go ahead,Mr. York.
Mr. York: Thank you. [points to the sciencebuilding photo] Uh, this is the main quad. [realizeshe’s got the wrong card, reveals the next card with aphoto of the quad] Uh, er, right, uh, here.There’s the main quad. Heh. It’s been a whilesince I been on the campus. Eh, this is the main quad.This is where most of the freshman dormitories are.Uh, now, if – if you’re a freshman there, you – you’rerequired to use the dorms for the freshman year.[students groan] Oh, you’ll like them, they’re verynice. [suddenly clutching his head in pain] Oh, excuseme. Ohhh. Oooh.
Teacher: [rises] Mister – Mister York, are youall right?
Mr. York: I – I’m – I’m sorry. I have aterrible headache. Do you have any aspirin?
Teacher: Oh, yes, there’s some up in theteachers’ lounge.
Mr. York: Thank you.
Teacher: I’ll go get some.
Mr. York: Thank you very much.
Teacher: [heads to the door, admonishes theclass] Now, you kids behave yourself. [studentsgrumble reluctant agreement] I’ll be rightback.
[The teacher exits out the door. Mr. York, who hasfaked his headache in order to get the teacher out ofthe room, cautiously hurries to the door and shuts itafter her.]
Mr. York: [urgently, to the students] How longwill it take her to get back here? [whips off hiseyeglasses] HOW LONG, DAMN IT?! [the students jump insurprise]
1st Student: I don’t know — about threeminutes.
Mr. York: Okay. [slaps a sleeping student] WAKEUP! LET’S GO! [hauls the student out of his chair andpoints to the nearby window] CLOSE THOSE BLINDS! LET’SGO! [jerks a thumb at the remaining two windows] CLOSETHOSE BLINDS! LET’S GO! [two students jump up and allblinds are closed as York rushes to the front of theroom and whips off his jacket] Let’s get this thingstarted.
Okay, SIT DOWN! [everyone sits, their attentionriveted on the intense York who speaks rapidly butclearly] Now, listen carefully, I’m about to tell yousomething. It’s a secret. And if this secret everleaves this classroom, I will find you – and I willkill you. … [the students look at each other dumbly]Do you understand? Here’s how it works!
[reveals the next card on the easel – an illustrationof a stack of cash split evenly between YOU andUNIVERSITY] Your parents cough up twelve thousanddollars a year to send you to Winston University,right? We split it right down the middle! … Sixthousand for you, six thousand for us. For four years,that’s twenty-four thousand dollars. Got it? [the students murmur enthusiastic agreement – nextcard shows an illustration of a campus full of falsebuilding fronts] All right, this is the campus. All ofthe buildings on campus? FAKE! … [points to the onereal building] This building is the dormitory. That’swhat we use it for on only one day of the year –Visiting Day, April 12th. We don’t care what you dowith the money, we don’t care where you go — but youmust be back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th. …If you’re not back on campus Visiting Day, April 12th,we will find you and we will kill you. … [students murmur, impressed, “Cool!” – next card is areproduction of a diploma] This is your diploma. Youwill be handed your diploma when you first arrive oncampus but you are NOT to show it to anybody for fouryears. … If you show your diploma to somebody withinthe four-year period, we will find you and we willkill you. …
2nd Student: [nerdy guy in sweater andeyeglasses] Eh, eh, eh, excuse me. But – what aboutour education? What about learning? [Roger thejock smacks him in the back of the head with a book]… I – I’m sorry. Go on.
Mr. York: Thank you. [next card shows a collegetranscript] Your grade point average will be athree-point-eight! Congratulations! [students cheerand applaud – next card shows photos of a telephoneoperator and U.S. MAIL bags] We have operators on dutyto – to forward all your phone calls. We will beforwarding your mail. Now–
3rd Student: Wait a minute. Can we really getaway with this?
Mr. York: [next card shows a photo of a massivecrowd of people on a green lawn] Last year, WinstonUniversity had a graduating class of fifty-ninethousand. … No books, no tests, no classes! Justtwenty-four thousand dollars and four years to spendit in! Winston University! Remember our motto — [nextcard reads:] “You Tell Anyone and We’ll KillYou.”
[Students cheer and applaud as the teacher returnswith a bottle of aspirin. She is shocked at thestudents enthusiasm. York quickly hides thecards.]
Mr. York: What’s the best college in theworld?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: And where ya gonna spend your nextfour years?!
Students: [shouting with enthusiasm] WinstonUniversity!
Mr. York: Okay, thank you! Take someapplications on the way out.
[York hands out applications as the students excitedlyrush up, grab them and exit the classroom.]
Mr. York: Thank you very much. Nice seeing you.Right, bye. Bye-bye.
[The teacher watches in amazement as the studentsdepart. York gathers up his cards and starts to put onhis jacket.]
Teacher: [offers York the aspirin bottle] Oh,here you go.
Mr. York: Oh, oh, oh, thanks but, uh, I’mfeeling much better now.
Teacher: Well, I have never seen my students soenthusiastic.
Mr. York: Well–
Teacher: You must be a terrificsalesman.
Mr. York: Yeah, but the school really sellsitself.
Teacher: Well, I can imagine.
Mr. York: [chuckles]
Teacher: You know, a lot of the faculty hereare graduates of Winston University. …
Mr. York: [quickly] Oh, really? Well, I’ve gotto go. Thank you very much. Bye. Nice talking to you.Bye. [hurriedly exits with his cards]
Teacher: [waves good-bye, talks to herself,thoughtful] No one ever seems to talk about it muchthough. Hmm.
[Applause as the teacher goes to chalkboard and startsto erase it. Dissolve and pull back to a wider view ofthe classroom set surrounded by cameras, lights,microphones, and the applauding Studio 8Haudience.]
…..Robin Williams …..Brad Hall Jesse Donnally…..Jim Belushi …..Tim Kazurinsky
Announcer: And now, “Saturday Night News”, with guest anchorperson Robin Williams!
Robin Williams: Gracious, muchachos! Welcome! Thank you!
Most of the news has already been picked up by 7 o’clock news, 11 o’clock news, Ted Turner’s cable news channel, and tomorrow’s newspapers have already come out.. but we’ll do our best to give you what we can!
[ show early photo of The Beatles ]Twenty years ago this week, The Beatles came to America. As you can see, this picture was taken just before Clarence Walker joined the group. [ show photo of Brad Hall ]Now, correspondent Brad Hall has filed a very special report. Brad? Here’s to you? [ cut to filmed footage of Brad Hall standing on a New York street ]
Brad Hall: This is Brad Hall, filing a special report on crime. I’m standing in the streets of New York City – streets virtually teeming with violent crime. In fact, statistics show, that in New York, a man is mugged every 11 seconds. I would now like you to meet that man. His name is Jesse Donnally, and he’s mugged every 11 seconds. Jesse, welcome.
Jesse Donnally: Hi, Brad.. thank you.
Brad Hall: Tell me, Jesse – do you actually get mugged every 11 seconds?
Jesse Donnally: Well, Brad, uh.. that’s the average, but, uh.. sometimes I go for more than a minute or so without getting —
[ suddenly, a mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off. Jeese collects his composure and stands back up before Brad. ]
Jesse Donnally: — 11 seconds or so.. is pretty accurate.
Brad Hall: Do you have any idea why criminals like to choose you do often?
Jesse Donnally: Gee, Brad.. you know, I never really thought about it. I guess I’m just an unlucky person, you know? And —
[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, mugs him and runs off ]
Brad Hall: [ helps Jesse to his feet ] I suppose you’re used to this?
Jesse Donnally: Uh, well.. it’s hard to get used to it, you know? It’s hard to go to work, you know.. with this kind of stuff going on..
Brad Hall: Well, exactly what do you do?
Jesse Donnally: Uh.. I’m a marriage counselor.
Brad Hall: Oh. Are you married yourself?
Jesse Donnally: Uh.. yes, yes. You know, it was really hard getting through the wedding ceremony, with —
[ suddenly, another mugger comes along, throws Jesse to the ground, seizes his jacket and runs off ]
Brad Hall: Is it actually money that criminals are usually looking for?
Jesse Donnally: Yeah. Definitely money they want. That’s why I carry an instant credit card, you know, to go to the bank and get the cash —
[ a little girl comes along, mugs Jesse, and runs off ]
Jesse Donnally: — for emergencies.. I like to do that.
Brad Hall: Well.. thank you for spending some of your valuable time with us.
Jesse Donnally: Thank you, Brad.
Brad Hall: Good luck to you in the near future.
Jesse Donnally: Good luck to you, Brad.
[ once again, a mugger comes along and hits up Jesse ]
Brad Hall: Crime. It affects all of us. And it affects Jesse Donnally every 11 seconds. This is Brad Hall, for SNL News, in New York. [ turns to see Jesse getting mugged yet again ] Yeah, 11 seconds – right on time!
[ back to Robin Williams in the studio ]
Robin Williams: Thank you, Brad! Thank you very much!
The Oscar nominations will be announced this week, and it’s rumored that Jack Nicholson is very nervous. He’s been known to say: [ in Nicholson voice ] “I’m so damn happy to be nominated, it cuts through all the bovine residue in Hollywood!”
But.. the big news this week is.. yes, Yuri Andropov is dead. He’s bought the collective farm, as they say. Yes. The Kremlin is now considering candidates for Yuri Andropov’s successor. Possible replacements include party beaurocrat Constantine Ivan Chernenko.. economic reformer Gregory “Boom-Boom” Romanov.. one of the younger possibilities, Mikhail “Cha Cha” Gorbachev.. also, tough guy Charles Bronson.. “M*A*S*H” favorite, Jamie Farr.. and Bullwinkle’s nemesis , Boris Badenov.
Also, in Poland today, Warsaw Geneal Jankowski gave this very moving eulogy: [ holds up face-painted hand and uses Senor Casa voice ] “For me, he is great, great friend. It is very difficult for me to say this.. but I felt like I was his right hand! Bless you!”
Thank you, General Jankowski! Now, here is Tim Kazurinsky, our on-the-spot correspondent. Tim! Take it away, boy!
Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.
Robin Williams: Not bad for a dollar!
Tim Kazurinsky: [ laughs ] You know. I thought I could trust The New York Post. Under the leadership of Rupert Murdoch, the Post has given us such memorable headlines as.. [ holds up newspaper ] “The Sheiks Hit The Fan!” And.. “Khomeini’s Kamikazes.” And, my personal favorite: “Grandmother Dies of AIDS.” So, yesterday, when the Post ame out with the headline.. “Andropov Dead”.. I was shocked! It’s clear, it’s concise, it’s factual. In every way, it’s a departure from what I’ve come to expect from The Post. They even spelled his name right.
What happened? Why didn’t they report Yuri’s death like this: [ holds up fake headlines ] “Russia Goes Topless”. “Iron Curtain Call”. “Yuri Stiffs Russia”. Or.. Lenin Gets Roommate”. Where, I ask you, are the bad puns? [ holds up more fake headlines ] Like: “Flu-1, Yuri-0”. “Vodkaput”. “Andro-Poof” Don’t tell me that the Post fired the lousy poet who wrote headlines like: “How-Now Mos-Cow”.. “Bury Yuri In A Hurry”.. “Redsky Dedsky”.. or “Stinko Pinko Sinko”.
[ holds up the real “Andropov Dead” headline again ]
Is this the new New York Post? What can I say? The thrill is gone. Robin?
Robin Williams: Thank you, Tim!
Tim Kazurinsky: Thank you, Robin.
Robin Williams: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen! [ holds up face-painted hand again ] And that is the news.. Thank you, Timmy!
Patty Gordon … Mary Gross Deborah Scott … Julia Louis-Dreyfus Dale Butterworth … Tim Kazurinsky
[SUPER: Patty’s Place – Music: Freddy “Boom-Boom”Cannon’s 1963 pop song “Patty Baby” – Talk show set.Host Patty Gordon is flanked by two guests.]
Patty Gordon: Hello! I’m Patty Gordon! Andwelcome to Patty’s Place! Tonight, my guests…
Deborah Scott: Uh huh. That’s right,Patty.
Patty Gordon: Uh … are two very uniquepeople. They’re both suffering from a raredisease that causes them to be out of syncwith the rest of the world. Imagine that! For example,this is Deborah Scott. She’s actually living thirtyseconds ahead of the rest of us. Isn’t thatright, Deborah? [Deborah ignores Patty and stares intospace] Oh, uh, of course, uh, she’s already answered,see? [chuckles] And this is Dale Butterworth. He’sliving thirty seconds behind the rest of us.Welcome to the show, Dale. [Dale does not respond]
Deborah Scott: Oh, that’s a good idea,Patty.
Patty Gordon: No, actually, I was talking to,uh– Oh, oh, I see! Oh, my! This is confusing!Ha! Well, uh, why don’t we let Dale, you know, um,catch up with us later and I’ll start with you,Deborah. All right? [Deborah does not respond] Oh, oh,of course, you’ve already responded to that![chuckles] Oh, my! [chuckles]
Dale Butterworth: Thank you. It’s a pleasure tobe here.
Patty Gordon: Oh, my!
Deborah Scott: [laughs] That’s very funny,Dale! That’s great! [chuckles]
Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] What? He saidsomething funny? Oh! Oh, I see! He’s going tosay something funny. [to the audience] Well, maybe weshould just, uh, wait for it.
[Long pause as Patty waits for Dale’s comment whichfinally comes:]
Dale Butterworth: You know, Deborah and Ishould start a singing group. Uh, we could sing roundslike “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.”
Patty Gordon: Oh, yes. [ironic, to Dale] Veryamusing. Heh. [ironic, to the crowd] Well, worthwaiting for!
Deborah Scott: [points to Dale in horror] Ewww!Oh, God! Look at him! That is disgusting! Oh, Ican’t believe it!
Patty Gordon: [panicking] What? What? What ishe doing? What’s he going to do? Oh! Oh, boy!Oh! Oh, my! Oh!
[As Deborah winces, Patty watches as Dale rears backand sneezes into a handkerchief. When he lowers thehandkerchief, a long white string of snot is revealed,dangling from one nostril. The Studio 8H crowd roarsits disgust.]
Patty Gordon: [horrified] Ohhhhh! Excuse me!Ohhhh! Mr. Butterworth, you’ve got – you’ve got athing there! You’ve got a– Oh, he can’t hear me! Hecan’t hear me – yet! I mean, I gotta sit herefor thirty seconds with that– This is NOT goodTV!
Deborah Scott: [gasps, points at Dale] Oh!now look at him! Oh, my God! Look at what he’sdoing! I’m gonna be sick!
Patty Gordon: [panicking, to Deborah] What?What’s he gonna do?
Deborah Scott: Look at that!
Patty Gordon: [to Deborah] Is it really bad?Should – should I just say “Good night”?
Deborah Scott: Oh, God, I can’t believeit! Ewww!
Patty Gordon: Oh, no! Oh, my! Oh, we’d bettergo! Uh oh! Oh oh! See you next week on Patty’s Place!Oh, my!
[Music: “Patty Baby” – Cheers and applause as we pullback – SUPER: Patty’s Place – and, just before wedissolve to a bumper card, we catch a glimpse of Dalelifting the string of snot to his mouth to eatit.]
Robin Williams: Ladies and gentlemen, here’s avery, very special lady, a good friend of mine fromSan Francisco, Miss Paula Poundstone.
[Applause for schnooky brunette stand-up comic in amannish gray suit who enters and grabs a microphonefrom a stool.]
Paula Poundstone: Thanks very much. Thanks verymuch! It’s really nice to be here. I’m havin’ aterrific time already. I love it here. Nice crisp,cold weather like that. I live in San Francisco, Ihate it. It’s, uh, it’s like foggy and rainy and coldall the time. [Someone in the crowd goes “Awwwww!”]This year, it rained January through April. I don’tthink I’m a wimp about weather. When it first startedto rain, I said, “Terrific. It’s sort of romantic,really. I’ll break up an old chair for kindling, buy abottle of wine, sit in front of the fire for the day.”Two months later, a hopeless alcoholic with nofurniture … No more of this for me but thanks. Itrains there. We had blackouts. My lights went out onenight. I was all by myself in the house. I – I freakedout. I said, “There’s a guy in the basement. Heflipped a switch. He’s comin’ up to kill me and that’sall there is to it.” Then I looked out the window andI saw the whole neighborhood was out and I was kind ofrelieved ’cause I thought maybe he’ll start at the endof the block. …
Kind of a raving paranoiac and I admit that openly. I,uh– That’s why I never used to drive. I had a licensefor six years and I never drove ’cause I alwaysthought that I would hurt somebody. And finally Idecided, I don’t care, I don’t even like people thatmuch. … If a couple people have to die because Ihave to get to a Jack-in-the-Box, I’m sorry. … I,uh, I’m only kidding. I’ve actually really tried to besafe about this. I took driving lessons with Norm fromSears Driving School. And I’m still a really baddriver. When I parallel park, I have to use up a tankof gas. … And I have to take up a couple o’ lanesfor a little while. I don’t want to — I haveto. That’s the only way I can do it. I bring thoseorange detour cones, put ’em out in the area I’m gonnabe usin’ … and I get to work. Fortunately, my cardoesn’t have power steering so I can actually loseweight while parking … which is helpful. And peopleare so mean to me: Even if they can pull around me,they won’t. They pull up and yell. Like I’m therapyfor everyone. I don’t like this. … I don’t know whatthey’re so mad about. I’m the one whocan’t drive. … I’m furious! I roll down my windowand get into it with them. I say, “Hey! What thehell do I think I’m doin’ here?! … Am I gonnamove my butt or am I gonna have to move it for me?!… Where’d I learn to drive anyway — Sears?!”…
My car actually has been a total nightmare. I’ve hadit for– It’s my very first car. I’ve had it for fourand a half months and it’s been in the shoptwenty-three times. … The brakes have been donethree times. Obviously, I’m being ripped off but Idon’t know enough on the subject to, er, to argue withthe mechanics. All I know is that I vacuum it twice aweek, so it’s not the interior. … See, don’t evenbother checkin’ that carpeting, that baby’s clean butthank you so much. … I fixed one thing myselfonce. Ah, used to make a noise when you hit the brakeand so I put in a stereo. … It’s really not aproblem any more. Actually, having a car has made meappreciate walking, for one thing. I, uh– The otherday, I walked smack into a tree. I said, “Good thingI’m not drivin’.” … Probably saved a couple thou’right there. [cheers and applause] Thanks. Thanks,that was a very special moment and I think we touchedright then. … Not – not physically, ’cause thatwould be gross. …
Yeah, I actually think my best friend in the wholeworld is my car, though. I named it “Dave” after myfriend Evan. And, uh … I don’t know, I know thatthat’s kind of weird and I figure someday it’s gonnabreakdown and then I’ll have a breakdown rightafterwards. And they’ll find me standing on the sideof the road ranting and raving, yelling at it like I’mits parent. Saying, [as if to a child] “Do you haveyou any idea how much money I’ve spent on you thismonth alone, hm? … I give and give and give to you.Could you maybe take me two, three more miles? Oh, no!… Look at all the other cars — they’re moving! …Had to have brake shoes. I buy them for you. You won’twear them!” …
It’s so frustrating ’cause I think mechanics are thebiggest rip-off in the entire world and, uh, they canget away with it. [applause] Now they’ve gone and madeus mad! No, they do. They get away with it likecriminals get away with everything. Remember the fivehundred and sixty pound criminal who was released fromjail because he had asthma? So, jail was “bad” forhim? … Who made up this rule? … I thought that wasthe whole idea – was that jail was at least supposedto be a little bit bad for ya. … Apparently,not any more. Apparently, now, it’s like, “Sorry! Gotclaustrophobia. Can’t go. Wish I could. Sorry.” …”Electric chair? No way! Even a heating pad givesme a rash!” … And they let Hinckley off. Andthen Sirhan Sirhan, the guy who shot Robert Kennedywas actually up for parole again this year. Not onlythat, he told the parole board he thought if Kennedywere alive today, he would speak in his favor and say”Let the guy go.” What a tough break, huh? The one guywho woulda supported this guy — and he shot him! …[applause]
You’ve been a terrific crowd. Thank you very much.Thanks a lot.
Buzzy Free: Hi, everybody! This is Buzzy Free, and welcome to “Rock & Roll & Then Some” Our guest today ish ere because it’s the 20th anniversary of the Beatles invasion of America. His name is Clarence Walker, and he claims that he conceived the group’s image and wrote most of the music. And was, in fact, the fifth Beatle and head singer before being kicked out of the group in 1963. Hello, Clarence.
Clarence Walker: Hello, man.
Buzzy Free: So. You “invented” The Beatles?
Clarence Walker: Yeah, man, I was ripped off by the whole group, and the whole group got a behind kicking coming to them when I see ’em! I been lookin’ for them boys since 1962, and that’s why they got that around-the-clock security in their house, ’cause they know that when Clarence Walker find ‘me, he gonna take a chunk out of their behind!
Buzzy Free: Okay, Clarence. Can you prooove you were the fifth Beatle?
Clarence Walker: Yes, I can prove it, man. And I suggest you take that sarcasm out your voice alright? I’m serious!
Clarence Walker: Yeah, well say it seems absurd, then, man! Don’t patronize me, alright? ‘Cause I’ll kick your behind right here on national television! I was the fifth Beatle! I have proof!
Buzzy Free: Alright, what is that proof, Clarence?
Clarence Walker: Well, here’s a photograph of us, back in 1962. Before they kicked me out of the group.
[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of The Beatles in a studio session, with Clarence on saxophone in the middle ]
Clarence Walker: That’s John.. that’s Ringo.. that’s me in the middle, that’s me, Clarance.. that’s George.. and that’s Paul.
Buzzy Free: Well, now, I never heard any saxophone – I see you’re holding a sax, I never heard a saxophone in any early Beatles music..
Clarence Walker: Are you crazy, man? most of them early songs was mostly sax, man! But they stole it from me! What they did was – they took my voice out, they took the saxophone out – it was gone, alright? I did most of the lead vocals, too, alright? Let me tell you something – when I see them boys, I’m gonna put my foot so deep into them, their breath’s gonna smell like shoe polish!
Buzzy Free: Well, can you give us an example of what you wrote, and what they changed?
Clarence Walker: Yes, I can! “She Loves You”, was originally titled “She Loves You, Man.” And “Help”, was originally titled “Help Me, Man!” And “She’s Got A Ticket To Ride”, was originally “She’s Got A Ticket To Ride And The Bitch Don’t Care, Man”!
Buzzy Free: Clarence.. what about the clothing, and they way they wore their hair?
Clarence Walker: All that is my idea! I molded those boys – I was the msot dominant one! See, that was the way we was described back then! John was the wise guy, Paul was the cute one, George was the quiet one, and Ringo was the shy one. And Clarence was the most dominant one. I’m older than the boys! In the beginning, they used to everything that I did! In fact, here’s a picture of us back in 1961, when they was called The Clarences!
[ Clarence holds up doctored photo of him and The Beatles sporting afros with “The Clarences” written on the photo ]
Clarence Walker: See, that’s me right there.. and that’s George.. there’s John.. that’s Ringo.. and that’s Paul. I taught them how to pick there afros and everything out, man! Paul still use Afro Sheen because of me!
Buzzy Free: Well.. this is astonishing.. I wonder if you have any of your early jam sessions —
Clarence Walker: Yes, I do! Yes, I do! I brought some of the early music, and I have it in a medley form, so you can listen it. You can hear us and our original jam sessions. Listen to the original Beatles here. Listen up!
[ Clarence turns on a tape recorder ] [ saxophone sounds are heard over “I Want To Hold Your Hand” ]
Beatles: “Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”
Voice of Clarence: Ha! Come on, y’all!
Beatles: “Oh, yeah, I’ll!”
Voice of Clarence: Man!
Beatles: Tell you something!
Voice of Clarence: Man!
Beatles: I think you’ll understand!
[ medley moves on to “Love Me Do” ]
Beatles: “Love, love me do..”
Voice of Clarence: [ speaking ]My darling, I will truly love me, if you love me do. And I will always, always be true If you’ll just give your love to me And always remember to just.. Love me.. do!
Beatles: “Oh, love me do..”
Voice of Clarence: You so sexy!
[ Buzzy interrupts Clarence’s tape ]
Buzzy Free: Clarence.. Clarence, I gotta tell you – that really doesn’t prove anything. I mean, you could have dubbed that over, I’m sorry.
Clarence Walker: I didn’t dub that over, man! That’s original music! If you want to hear something else, just to prove that they stole it from me and they know that they ripped me off, I can play this thing backwards, and you can hear them talking about it! you can hear John Lennon, I’ll play it backwards, listen really close!
[ Clarence plays his tape in reverse ]
Voice of John Lennon: Hey, Paul! Let’s get rid of Clarence and steal all his good ideas!
Voice of Paul McCartney: Yeah!
Buzzy Free: Well! I’ll tell you, Clarence – you’ve convinced me, and I hope you get everything that you deserve.
Clarence Walker: Well, thanks a lot, man. You see, I don’t want much, I’m a very modest man, you know? All I want to do is get my rent straight, get my head together. All I need is about seven grand – $7,200 to get straight, that’s all I want. I ain’t greedy.
Buzzy Free: About seven grand..?
Clarence Walker: Seven grand, that’s all I need. But they got behind kickin’s comin’ to them!
Buzzy Free: Good luck to you! This is Buzzy Free!
Clarence Walker: I want a chunk out of each of your behinds!
Dr. Farrow Oaklin … Robin Williams 1st Woman … Mary Gross 2nd Woman … Julia Louis-Dreyfus 3rd Woman … Robin Duke
[Organ music. Oily, big-haired televangelist Dr.Farrow Oaklin, in powder blue suit, addresses thecamera with thick Southern accent.]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Good evening, friends! …Is there someone in your household who’s in need ofthe Lord? Someone who has strayed from the path,turned against his loved ones, chewed up the furnitureor made sissy on the Persian rug? Well, then, friends,I want you to pick up that troubled house pet, put hispaws on the television so he may feel his Master’svoice here on “Wild Kingdom of Heaven”! [SUPER: WildKingdom of Heaven]
Don Pardo V/O: Wild Kingdom of Heaven –featuring the evangelical veterinarian Dr. FarrowOaklin!
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [basks in applause, imitatesa cat] Thank you, my pets, whether you be furred orfeathered! Come on down, take anything you need! Thankyou for the warmth of your welcome. You know, forthose of you with faith, there’re no runts in thelitter of the Lord! Now, who will be the first to behealed?! [1st Woman enters, carrying an adorable dogto the televangelist’s podium as the crowd oohs andahhs] Oh, yes! What is his name?
1st Woman: Fluffy.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Fluffy. Yes. And what isFluffy’s affliction?
1st Woman: He doesn’t obey.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Oh, no! [holds Fluffy whotries to get away from him] You know, Fluffy,disobedience is the devil’s milk bone. You can’t playfetch with the devil because he always fakes thethrow. I’m over here, Fluffy, come on back now! [takesFluffy in his arms] You know, Fluffy, I want you torecite your Ten Commands with me right now. Are youready? Thou shalt stay! Thou shalt sit! Thou shalt nottug at thy master’s leash! Thou shalt not make strangeofferings in thy house or thy neighbor’s house! Andthou shalt not mount thy master’s leg! Do youunderstand me? [to the woman] And now, is he ready tobe healed?
1st Woman: Yes, he is.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Are you ready, Fluffy?[Fluffy struggles to get away] Hold on, you’re notgettin’ away now! Fluffy, are you ready to speak now,Fluffy? Speak! Speak, Fluffy! [Fluffy does not speak,to the woman] The dog is mute, is he not? [Woman nods]Well, bring him back next week, we’ll tryagain!
1st Woman: All right. [Woman takes Fluffy whofinally yelps – she exits with the dog]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: [watches them go] Come onhome, Fluffy. Take him back to that happy litter box,you know what I’m sayin’! Who is the next one to behealed here tonight? [2nd Woman brings out a whitecat] Ohhh, look! A fallen feline!
2nd Woman: Yes.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: What is his name?
2nd Woman: Well, this is Jennifer and she’simpossible. She’s ruined the couch, she refuses to usethe litter box and now she’s developedhairballs.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Hairballs! Oh, no! Jennifer,you have licked yourself in only a way that kittiescan! [holds the cat in his hands] Well, come to me,Jennifer, now. You know you have wandered through thealley of the shadow of death, have you not, now?Jennifer, I want to do something special, I’m gonnamake the demon hairball be gone. [coughs and screecheslike a cat, turns to woman] YES! It is gone now![gives the cat back to the grateful woman] She feelsit! Take some holy litter with you! Go on through!Thank you!
[Woman exits with cat. Organ music begins. Thetelevangelist addresses the camera again.]
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: You know, friends! Ourministry does some wonderful things but maintainingkennels in Africa and building pet seminaries costsmoney. That’s why I must ask for your contributions.For every ten dollar donation you send us, you’llreceive this replica of the original Shroud of Lassie![holds up a tan blanket with an image of Lassie]That’s right! A woolen dog blanket bearing theresemblance of the most wonderful collie the world hasever known. And, also, if you send us twenty-fivedollars, you’ll receive this album, “Hymns That OnlyDogs Can Hear.” [holds up record album entitled “HymnsOnly Dogs Can Hear” with photo of the RCA Victor dogon the cover] And a copy of my new book, “Bark If YouLove Jesus”! [holds up the book] Come on home. I thinkwe’re ready for our next pilgrim. Come on down, comeon down. [3rd Woman enters with bucket of friedchicken] What is his name?
3rd Woman: Plucky.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Plucky!
3rd Woman: Yes, he – he ran away about a weekago and this is how I found him.
Dr. Farrow Oaklin: Well, Plucky! [pulls a friedchicken leg out of the bucket] Looks like Plucky’salready seen the fires of hell! Well, he’s been dippedin the seven spices! You know this! Many of you say,”No, Plucky’s history! There’s no hope for him.” Donot despair! [mangles his next line] Because thanks tothe new Curlin Harnell Sanders– Colonel– [ad libs]I’m struck with tongue! [struggles to continue] Thanksto the new Curlin’ – Colonel Harlan Sanders! [to theLord above] Thank you! [to the crowd] Thank you![cheers and applause] To his Memorial Burn Unit,Plucky can have a second chance. You know?! Butartificial giblets and skin grafts cost money so,friends, I want you to send your free will donationhere to me, Dr. Farrow Oaklin. So, come on home tothis very station right here! We’ll be here next week!And remember: All of us are pets in the House of theLord but few of us can sleep on the couch! So, come onhome! [screeches like a cat] YES!
[Organ music swells, cheers and applause as we pullback and fade out.]