Price & Waterhouse

Price & Waterhouse

Voice on Intercom…..Mary Gross
Waterhouse…..Jim Belushi
Price…..Tim Kazurinsky
Man…..Brad Hall
Woman…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[ open on interior, Price & Waterhouse’s private office; Waterhouse sits behind the desk, Price leans in from the front ] [ intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: [ presses button ] Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse? They’re here.

Waterhouse: Thank you.

[ Waterhouse walks over to the vaulted door, works an upper combination lock, a lower combination lock, spins the handle and opens the vault door ] [ a dark-suited, shaded, man handcuffed to a steel briefcase enters, followed by a security guard ]

Man: Mr. Price? Mr. Waterhouse?

Waterhouse: Yes?

Man: The final Academy Award tallies, gentlemen.

[ Waterhouse proceeds to release the handcuffs from the briefcase, as Price holds a Bible to the man’s right hand ]

Price: Do you solemnly swear that you have not seen the contents of this briefcase?

Man: I have not, sir.

Price: That’ll be all.

Man: Thank you.

[ man and security guard exit the office, as Waterhouse quickly locks it shut ]

Price: You got your half of the combination?

Waterhouse: Yes, I do.

Price: Okay, here’s mine.

[ they take out their respective halves of the combination – Waterhouse collects both and reads them off ]

Waterhouse: Okay. 6 left.. 9 right.. 4 left.

[ Price removes a pile of sheets, as Waterhouse collects a stack of envelopes ]

Price: Okay. I’ll read the winners, and you pick up the winning envelope, okay?

Waterhouse: Okay. Alright, what do we have for Best Movie?

Price: Best Movie? [ looks on the sheets ] “The Dresser.”

Waterhouse: [ with a look of distaste ] I hated that movie. I mean, really – I really hated that movie.

Price: So did I.

Waterhouse: You did?

Price: Yeah. All that, “Can I help with Sir’s bedpan?”

Waterhouse: Ugh, that was horrible! Well, I guess, Mr. Price, it’s up to us again this year to pick the final tally. [ looks through the sheets ] Alright, let’s see.. “The Right Stuff”? [ Price shakes his head ] Too long. “The Big Chill”? Nice soundtrack..

Price: But, uh, far too pretentious.

Waterhouse: Yes. “Tender Mercies”? That was good.

Price: Yes.

Waterhouse: I liked that one. That was a very, very nice film.. [ shuffles envelopes ] Whoop! “Terms of Endearment”!

Price: “Terms of Endearment.”

Waterhouse: That’s the winner, made me cry!

Price: Made me cry, too.

Waterhouse: Yep, love that Brooks. He did a very good job.

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright. What’s next, Mr. Price?

Price: Let’s see, uh.. how about Best Supporting Actor?

Waterhouse: Best Supporting Actor – who do they have?

Price: Sam Shephard.

Waterhouse: [ crinkles his nose ] He sucked.

Price: Are you crazy? Sam Shephard was the only cool thing in that movie. The guy is good!

Waterhouse: That’s right, that’s right. He’s good.. he’s good-looking, he’s a good actor, he’s a great playwright, and he’s sleeping with Jessica Lange.

Price: [ now miffed as well, rips Shephard’s envelope ] Show-off! Screw it, let’s go with uh, Nicholson!

Waterhouse: Nicholson, let’s go with Nicholson, definitely. He’s balding, he’s got a pot-belly – he’s a real man! That’s a real man!

Price: Yeah.

Waterhouse: Alright, what do we have next? Who do you like for Best Supporting Actress?

Price: Uh.. I don’t like none of them.

Waterhouse: Me, either. Pick one.

Price: [ throws stack in the air, and grabs one at random ] And the winner is.. Cher. So, Cher gets the Oscar.

Waterhouse: Wow.

Price: It’ll be the shortest guy she’s gone out with since Sonny!

Waterhouse: [ chuckles ] Alright, who gets the big one here – Best Actress?

Price: [ reads ] Meryl Streep.

Waterhouse: No!

Price: No?

Waterhouse: No, I’m not going to let this happen again. She won last year, and she didn’t even do a foreign accent this year. Forget it!

Price: Besides, she’s got no boobs.

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Let’s see who’s got the biggest set of headlights!

Waterhouse: Alright, let’s see. [ reads ] Meryl Streep..

Together: No.

Waterhouse: Shirley MacLaine? Yeah.. but she’s old, but..

Price: It’s still a good performance..

Waterhouse: Julie Walters..

Price: No.

Waterhouse: No. Jane Alexander?

Price: No.

Together: Debra Winger!!

Waterhouse: Hey!

[ they each kiss Debra Winger’s envelope ]

Price: Alright, what’s next?

Waterhouse: What’s next, is Best Actor.

Price: [ holds up the Academy tallies ] Hey, this thing’s useless.

Waterhouse: We don’t need it. [ tosses the Academy tallies ]

Price: Okay.

Waterhouse: Alright, who do we got? We got Michael Caine..

Price: Michael Caine..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Conti..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Tom Courtney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Albert Finney..

Waterhouse: Alright.

Price: Robert Duvall.

Waterhouse: Wait. That’s four Englishmen and one American.

Price: Those limeys think we’re going to give them an Oscar every year?

Waterhouse: Uh-uh. Uh-uh, that’s it – Duvall gets it.

Price: Alright. But, wait, wait, hold it – Duvall didn’t say nothing in that movie!

Waterhouse: Yes. I know, Mr. Price. But it’s how he said nothing that counts.

Price: Well.. I mean, if that’s the case, who says nothing better than anybody else?

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Clint Eastwood!

Waterhouse: Yeah.

Price: Absolutely.

Waterhouse: Let’s give it to him. Wait! He’s not even nominated.

Together: [ as it comes to them ] Write-in!

[ the intercom buzzes ]

Waterhouse: Yes?

Intercom: Mr. Price, Mr. Waterhouse.. they’re here.

Waterhouse: Right with you. [ opens the door to let in a woman carrying a briefcase ]

Woman: Mr. Price, Mr. Wasterhouse – the final tallies for the New York Primary are now officially in your hands. [ hands them the briefcase, and exits ]

Price: I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: I like Hart.

Price: Well.. I like Mondale.

Waterhouse: Hart!

Price: Let’s flip for it.

Waterhouse: Alright, heads for Hart.

[ Waterhouse flips the coin, as Price catches it and looks at it without affording Waterhouse a glance ]

Price: Mondale!

Waterhouse: Hey! You cheat! Give it to me!

Price: I did not cheat!

[ they scuffle after the coin, as they tumble off the set and into the audience ] [ zoom out, fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 02/18/84

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

February 18th, 1984

Jamie Lee Curtis

The Fixx

Joel Hodgson

  • Jim Belushi Breakdance Rap

  • Jamie Lee Curtis’ Monologue

  • Rubik’s Grenade

    (Repeat) See: 12/11/82.

  • It!

  • Acting Out Video Scenes

  • Texxon Oil

    (Repeat) See: 02/26/83.

  • El Dorko

    Recurring Characters: El Dorko.

  • The Julia Show

  • Joel Hodgson

  • Reagan’s Workout

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Verbal Rehearsal

  • The Fixx perform “One Thing Leads To Another”

  • Saturday Night News

    Recurring Characters: Wayne Huevos.

  • Persons Express

  • Horror Musical

  • Where Are They Now?

  • The Fixx perform “Red Skies at Night”

  • “Prose & Cons”

    (Repeat) See: 10/03/81.

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Jamie Lee Curtis: 02/18/84: El Dorko

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 13

    83m: Jamie Lee Curtis / The Fixx

    El Dorko

    ….. Jamie Lee Curtis
    Myron …. Tim Kazurinsky
    Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
    Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
    Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
    Waitress ….. Mary Gross

    [ Open on Jamie Lee Curtis and her publicist, Myron, sitting at a table in a restaurant. Jamie isn’t too pleased. ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Myron, I hate this.

    Myron: Come on, Jamie, relax. This sort of thing is great publicity. You saw how the public responded to the “Win a Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest. I’m talking over 500,000 entries, honey.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Yeah, well, why couldn’t the winner have come from Palm Springs? Why does he have to come from Cedar Rapids, Iowa? What’s this guy look like, anyway?

    Myron: I do not know. He’ll be wearing a pink carnation, is all I know.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Do I have to kiss him if he’s gross-looking?

    Myron: The rules say just a goodnight kiss, and no chaperones, so I’m going back to the motel. I’m tired. Thank you. [ gets up from his seat ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: All right, I’ll see you in no less than an hour.

    Myron: Okay, be good.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: I’ll break your legs.

    [ Myron leaves. Enter Rory, wearing a pink carnation on his shirt. ]

    Rory: Ahem, um, excuse me, Miss Lee Curtis?

    Jamie Lee Curtis: What? Oh … you must be my date.

    Rory: Yeah. Whew … well I gotta tell ya … [ sits down next to her ] I’m pretty nervous about this thing. Whew.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: It’s all right. Don’t be nervous. I’m Jamie Lee Curtis. [ shakes his hand ]

    Rory: Yeah, I know. My name’s Rory. [ she lets go of his hand ] But you’ll probably end up calling me El Dorko.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, I don’t understand.

    Rory: Well, that’s what the guys at school call me. They call my buddy Stinky, ’cause one time a stink bomb went off in his face and well, he could never completely get rid of the smell. [ chuckles ] Now he smells like sulfur. He’s gonna be coming by in just awhile to meet ya —

    Jamie Lee Curtis: No no no, really, that’s okay, I gotta go. [ she attempts to leave, but he stops her in her tracks ]

    Rory: Oh, you know, I have admired you very much, ever since the movie Halloween. Every time I see a psychopathic killer, I think of you. [ chuckles ] I think that’s pretty funny. Um, I also loved you very much in Prom Night. I guess that’s ’cause it kinda reminded me of my own prom. [ Jamie looks concerned ] You see, well, my date, she poured honey all over me and, and then de-pantsed me. They’re always de-pantsing me.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: That’s terrible! What kind of girls do you date?

    Rory: Well, in this particular case it was my sister. I don’t go out with girls too much ’cause well, whenever I ask ’em out they always say no. Sometimes they even puke. This one girl had apparently been eatin’ peanuts, ’cause they don’t digest very well —

    Jamie Lee Curtis: [ cuts him off, giggling ] No, no, no, really, that’s all right …

    [ The waitress comes by to refill their water glasses. ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Thanks.

    Waitress: Can I take your order? [ spills a little water ] Whoops —

    Rory: That’s all right.

    Waitress: [ suddenly notices him ] Rory!

    Rory: Hi.

    Waitress: Hi! [ amorous ] How come you haven’t called?

    Rory: Um, I’ve been pretty busy.

    Waitress: [ gasp ] Isn’t that Jamie Lee Curtis?

    Rory: Um, yes, as a matter of fact, it is. She is my date this evening.

    Waitress: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis, star-struck ] Oh no — whooaaa. I adored you in Halloween. But I had to leave early. What happened after the first ten minutes?

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Uh, well you see … [ explains the plot to her ] [ Enter Mike and Becky behind the table ]

    Mike: Hey hey hey, it’s El Dorko! [ slaps Rory’s shoulder and shoves his head ]

    Rory: Good evening, friends.

    Becky: [ gasps, gets closer to Mike ] Oh God, Mike, he’s with Jamie Lee Curtis!

    Rory: How ya doin’?

    Mike: Hey Dorko … how come you’re with Jamie Lee Curtis?

    Rory: Well, I … I just asked her out.

    Mike: What, and she didn’t puke? What’s she doing in Cedar Rapids?

    Rory: Um, well, I’m not really sure about that. I think she might have an uncle in town or something.

    Becky: [ walks over to Jamie Lee Curtis ] Hey … what are you doing out with El Dorko?

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Oh, Rory won the “Date with Jamie Lee Curtis” contest in Tiger Beat magazine.

    Becky: Tiger Beat? [ she and Mike laugh out loud, as Mike slaps Rory’s head ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: [ touches Rory’s arm ] I’m sorry, Rory, I hope I didn’t embarrass you.

    Rory: It’s okay, I’m really pretty used to it.

    Mike: Hey, hey, Dorko, Dorko, stand up! [ walks around the table as Becky takes the pitcher of water from the waitress ]

    Rory: Here it comes …

    Mike: Come on!

    [ Rory stands up. Becky hands Mike the pitcher of water, and pulls down Rory’s pants. ]

    Mike: Hey, here’s some fun! [ Pours the pitcher of water down Rory’s boxer shorts. Mike laughs, throws some water in Rory’s face. ] See ya, Dorko! [ Laughs as he and Becky leave. The waitress follows them, also laughing ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: That was just AWFUL!

    Rory: Like I said, I’m pretty used to it.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: Well, why don’t you stand up to ’em?

    Rory: Oh, I don’t dare talk back to ’em. One time I did, and the next day in gym class, they spread deep-heating rub in my jock. Even to this day, I might not be capable of having children.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: [ runs her fingers through his hair ] Rory, you know, you are so bright and sensitive, you know, you have qualities that they can only dream about. You know, look, I gotta get back, I gotta get to the airport early and I need some sleep …

    Rory: Yeah … yeah …

    Jamie Lee Curtis: [ softly touches his chest, then his face ] … but I just want you to know that I think you’re really a special kind of guy.

    Rory: Um, according to the contest rules, I believe that I am supposed to receive a goodnight kiss.

    Jamie Lee Curtis: I’d kiss you even if I didn’t have to. [ gives him a deep kiss ] Oh … you know, that was terrific. [ takes off his glasses and kisses him again, this time more passionately ] You are just a great kisser! [ she jumps into his arms and they start making out. The waitress comes back and sees them. ]

    Waitress: Can I take your — [ signals for Mike and Becky to come over ]

    Jamie Lee Curtis: [ moans ] Oh … lookit, I have to be getting back to the hotel. And I don’t have to leave till ten in the morning, so … if you want to come by later, I’m in room 28. [ hands him the hotel key and gives him another brief kiss ] Ciao, baby. [ She leaves. Mike, Becky and the waitress stand there in awe, jaws dropped. ]

    Mike: Unbelievable! … How do you do it?

    Rory: Hey, I really wanna thank you guys for coming by. I tell ya, this couldn’t have worked out better if we’d planned it. Excuse me now … [ holds up the hotel key ] … I have an appointment. Ciao. [ leaves ]

    Mike: Unbelievable. El Dorko

    [ Mike, Becky and the waitress all scratch their heads in unison. Fade to black. ]

    Submitted by: G. Gomez

    SNL Transcripts

    Joel Hodgson

    Joel Hodgson

    …..Joel Hodgson

    Joel Hodgson: Do you remember when we were little, and we’d take tin cans and put ’em together and make a telephone? (He reaches into large brown case and pulls out two cans with metal rods sticking out of the top) Do you? Well, they’re cordless now.

    Here’s an impression I’d like to do for you. (He takes a small mechanical woodpecker and attaches it to his forehead.) I’m a tree. (Woodpecker starts pecking at his head.)

    Hey, look. (He pulls out a gaudy orange and black tie.) They finally found Fred Flintstone’s tie.

    This is a new trick I just made up. (He turns around, placing something around his neck.) It’s something I designed for the active priest. All right? (He turns back around and shows a black and white priest’s collar under his jacket. He then pulls the collar up, revealing it is a visor you can then put on your head.)

    Now, I don’t know if any of you have pets at home, but when my goldfish are good to me, I like to be good to them. (He moves over to a record player and places a small fish tank with two goldfish in it on the turntable. He turns the turntable on, and the fish tank starts slowly spinning around) This allows them to lie perfectly still while the water rushes around ’em.

    This is a new trick. It’s my impression of an electric pencil sharpener. What I have is an ordinary unsharpened pencil. (He pulls out an unsharpened pencil, sticks it up his nose, and then makes a whirring sound. After a few seconds, He then pulls a sharpened pencil out of his nose, the unsharpened cap of the pencil stuck in his nose. He then tries to “snort” the unsharpened cap of the pencil into his coat pocket. He misses.)

    Okay, how many — here’s a trick you’ve never seen before, and you’ll never, ever see again.

    (He takes a container and puts it over his head. It has a hole in the top, a handle on the side and two rollers in front. He then turns the handle, and a flat, rubberized face comes out from between the rollers. He then takes the face, shows it to the audience, and places it back in the hole in the top of the machine. He takes the contraption off his head, rubbing his face in pain.) I hate that trick.

    Okay, I happen to be a master at making balloon animals. (He pulls a long, thin balloon out of his bag, also showing a large bag of the balloons waiting to be blown up.) I make, like, over 100 different balloon animals, and I’d like to do ’em all for you right now. Since I can make so many different balloon animals, I’d like someone from the audience to name a real exotic animal that you’d like to see me make.

    Audience Member: A woodchuck!

    Joel Hodgson: Besides a woodchuck. (The audience starts shouting out suggestions. One audience member shouts out snake, and Joel gives him a look. He then reaches into his bag, pulling out a Mr. Potato Head.)

    Hey, this is you, okay? What do you want me to make? Really. (Audience starts shouting out suggestions again). Elephant? All right, I’ll make an elephant. You said elephant, right?

    Okay, long or short-haired? Oh, yeah.

    Audience Member: Long hair.

    Joel Hodgson: Long hair? Okay, a long-haired elephant. (He has blown the balloon out to his full length). One, two, three, go. (He quickly starts twisting the balloon, moving it around.) I make over 100 different balloon animals, but they all end up looking like little dogs. (He shows the animal he made, which resembles a small poodle, complete with puffy tail tip. He then hands the animal to the audience member who made the suggestion of the elephant.) I want that guy who said snake to come up here. Will you come up here? Come on, you can give him a round of applause. Come on up here.

    (The member of the audience, a man, joins Joel on stage as the audience applauds.)

    Just stand right there. Stand right there. (He and the audience member take their positions on either side of table. He then brings out a Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots game.) Okay, this is Rock ‘Em, Sock ‘Em Robots. All right, and you have to try to knock my block off. (He takes his position as the blue robot, while the audience member takes the controls as the red robot) All right? One, two, three, go! (He and the audience member’s robots start punching one another.) Not so rough. Let’s take a break. (The audience member lets go of his controls, and He takes advantage by pushing his robot’s controls, knocking the head back of the audience member’s robot) All right. Thank you. You know, I always win this game, though, ’cause I taped his head down. (He points to his blue robot. The audience laughs and applauds.)

    (Fade to black.)

    Submitted by Fran Smith

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Edwin Newman: 02/25/84

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 25th, 1984

    Edwin Newman

    Kool & The Gang

    Harry Anderson

    Kool & The Gang, “Celebration”

  • Salon Dion

    Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.

  • Edwin Newman’s Monologue

  • Buddweiser Light

    (Repeat) See: 02/11/84.

  • “Hymietown”

    Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

  • Suicide Hotline

  • Fur

    (Repeat) See: 03/20/82.

  • News Bar

    Recurring Characters: Tom Snyder.

  • Kool & The Gang perform “Joanna”

  • Speaking Freely

  • Saturday Night News with Edwin Newman

    Recurring Characters: Worthington Clotman.

  • Kid Halpern

  • Kool & The Gang perform “Celebration”

  • Urban Answers

  • Back in the Day

  • Face The Press

  • Harry Anderson

  • Jacoby Escort Service

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Edwin Newman: 02/25/84: Hymietown

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 14

    83n: Edwin Newman / Kool and the Gang


    Jesse Jackson…..Eddie Murphy

    [ open on Jesse Jackson standing behind large podium ]

    Jesse Jackson: Uhh — Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Jesse Jackson. Yes, I was recently quoted in the Washington Post as referring to a certain group of people… as Hymies. It also said that I called New York… Hymietown. I realize that kind of talk isn’t kosher. But let me see if I can explain it to you all… in song.

    [ he grabs one of the podium’s microphones and saunters over in front of a trio of back-up singers ]

    As I said, I’m Jes e Jackson, and I’m running for President of the United States. I’m a Libra, and this is a very special message to all you chosen people out there.

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no!”

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “No, no, no, no.”

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.” H ymietown

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Well, well Hymietown.
    I was your one and only until I read the news
    Well, now I’m sad and lonely ’cause I put down the Jews
    Well, we have so much in common
    ‘Cause we’ve both been so oppressed.”

    Back-up Singers: “All right!”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “We both have big noses And gold chains on our chests I wanna say please now.”

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m begging you, please.”

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I’m down on my knees, well, well, well, well.”

    Back-up Singers: “Don’t let me down.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “well, well… Hymietown.

    I want to form a new coalition,
    of soul people and bagel people.
    From the Chitlin’ District, to the Diamond District.
    From catfish to gefilte fish.
    We all need to live as one.
    I want to look out over the crowd and s ee both leather hats and yarmulkes side by side.
    So come on, you brothers and sisters…
    all you hymies and hymettes…”

    Back-up Singers:
    “Let’s get it together

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Let’s bring it all down, well, well, well.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I wanna talk about love for one another.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Want to form a soul and kosher coalition.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I love those black suits you wear.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “And them little tiny curls that hang down in your hair.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “You know we all need one another.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “I want to stay right here in Hymietown, well, well.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “With all my hymie brothers and sisters
    Sometimes I feel a little hymie myself.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Baruch ata adonai.”

    Back-up Singers: “Hymietown.”

    Jesse Jackson: [ singing ] “Hymietown!”

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Buddweiser Light

    Buddweiser Light

    Rockets Ice Hockey Player…..Joe Piscopo
    Night Hawks Ice Hockey Player…..Robin Williams

    [ camera pans on the face mask of an ice hockey player ] [ the referee drops the puck between two rival ice hockey players ]

    Rockets Ice Hockey Player V/O: He’s always the top scorer in the league. I know I can beat this guy!

    [ show product, Buddweiser beer can ]

    Jingle: “Bring out your best!”

    Announcer: The best never comes easy. That’s why there’s nothing else like it.

    [ back to the ice hockey player for the Rockets ]

    Rockets Ice Hockey Player V/O: He’s not so great. I can’t believe my wife ran away with him.

    [ the puck is dropped ] [ Rockets ice hockey player whips his stick in the face of the Night Hawks ice hockey player; a scuffle between teams and referee ensues. ]

    “Courage deep inside!
    Buddweiser Light!
    Bring out your best!
    Buddweiser Light!
    Bring out your best!
    Buddweiser Light!”

    [ the two ice hockey players sit on the side of the ice, bloodied in the face but enjoying a cold Buddweiser Light as ice shavings spray over them ]

    Announcer: The best. You found it inside. Now you’ll find it in the beer you drink.

    Jingle: “Buddweiser Light!”

    SNL Transcripts

    News Bar

    News Bar

    Bartender…..Brad Hall
    Joe Piscopo…..Tom Snyder
    Julia Louis-Dreyfus…..Linda Ellerbee
    …..Edwin Newman

    Bartender: Here’s some nuts.

    Tom Snyder: Hey, hey, Elerbee! Pass those beer nuts. Don’t be greedy! Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Linda Ellerbee: Ladies and gentlemen, some call it retirement. Some call it a permenent vacation. I call it unemployment. And so, I toast to tonight’s top story: Edwin Newman.

    Tom Snyder: Okay, I’ll go for that. First I got canned, then Ellerbee got canned, now you got canned, Ed! Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s a small world! Ha! Actually, it’s a small network! Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Edwin Newman: Actually, Tom, I retired voluntarily.

    Tom Snyder: Yeah, you retired voluntarily, just like Nixon! Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Linda Ellerbee: Well Ed, I must run. But first, this. To Edward Newan, great newsman, and so it goes, and so do I.

    Edwin Newman: Goodnight, Linda.

    Linda Ellerbee: Goodnight. And goodnight, for NBC News.

    Tom Snyder: You know, Ed, that broad talks funny. Ha ha ha ha ha! Guess it’s time for me to buy you a drink. Hey, I wanna hear more about this “retirement” thing of yours. Right after this brief message. Now tell me about this firing – I mean retiring. Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Edwin Newman: Well, I’ll tell you the truth, Tom. The news business is a new business these days.

    Tom Snyder: Alright, alright, alright, I’ll go with that, Ed. I mean, in your day, an anchorman could also be a critic, a reporter, a commentator, I mean, nowadays, an anchorman can only do one thing; it’s a highly specialized skill.

    Edwin Newman: Well, maybe if you call smiling a skill. Nowadays, how a man’s mouth looks is more important than what comes out of it. Networks..

    [ singing ]

    “Why can’t the networks teach the anchors how to speak?
    ‘Stead of telling them how to style their hair, pick a suit that’s chic?
    They dress like fashion models, they all look like Mark Spitz,
    And they sound as if they’d learned their English from Burlitz.
    They read the news with foot in mouth, instead of tongue in cheek,
    Why can’t the anchors learn to speak?”

    Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hey, alright! Ha ha ha ha ha! Did you ever think of going on “Star Search?” Hey, Ed Newman and Ed MacMahon: News and Booze! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, Ed, don’t you think you’re exaggerating a little bit?

    Edwin Newman: Well, maybe a little, but I tell you what..
    Tom Snyder: What?

    Edwin Newman: If you give me a man with a nice voice, sufficiently nice voice, and good hair, I’ll turn him into a anchorperson.

    Tom Snyder: Well, alright, sir. How about Blondy over there?

    Edwin Newman: Well, I have seen more promising material.. but what the hell. It’s done, we’ve shaken.

    Tom Snyder: Okay, let’s get this thing going here. Hey, bartender, get the over here.

    Bartender: Yeah, got your beers here.

    Tom Snyder: Well, me and my buddy here made a wager that he could turn anyone into a news anchorman. Ha ha ha ha ha!

    Bartender: Well, that shouldn’t be too hard. I used to read the news on “Saturday Night Live”. Hi, I’m Brad Hall.

    Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.

    Tom Snyder: Now, Ed, we shook on it.

    Edwin Newman: Well, okay. Young man, do you want to be a news anchorperson?

    Bartender/Brad Hall: More than anything in the whole world!

    [ singing ]

    “All I want is a desk somewhere,
    Thirty minutes of network air.
    Somebody to come and spray my hair.
    Oh, wouldn’t I be newsworthy?”

    Edwin Newman: Wouldn’t “it” be newsworthy.

    Brad Hall: Wouldn’t what be newsworthy?

    Edwin Newman: Bet’s off.

    Tom Snyder: C’mon. Now strictly speaking, strictly speaking.

    Edwin Newman: Let’s try something, shall we? Now, Brad, who’s the leader of Iran?

    Brad Hall: Iran. Let’s see…the Iacoca!

    Edwin Newman: Ayatollah.

    Brad Hall: Ayatollah. Right, Kadaffi.

    Edwin Newman: Khomeni.

    Brad Hall: Khomeni.

    Edwin Newman: Now what does that mean to the people of Iran?

    Brad Hall: Free dance lessons?

    Edwin Newman: No, not quite. It means pain. Now repeat after me:

    [ singing ]

    “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

    Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

    Edwin Newman: Try it again.

    Brad Hall: “Iranians’ pains come mainly from Khomeini.”

    Edwin Newman: I think he’s got it!

    Tom Snyder: Alright, I’ll buy that.

    Brad Hall: “Homeini’s reign is mainly based on pain.”

    Edwin Newman: Let’s try something a bit more difficult. Environmental pollution in the Northeast.

    Brad Hall: Northeast.. um.. uh..
    “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”

    Edwin Newman: By George, he’s got it.

    Tom Snyder: If you say so, sir.

    Brad Hall: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain.”

    Edwin Newman: And where’s the acid rain?

    Brad Hall: “In Maine! In Maine!”

    Edwin Newman: And what can they do in Maine?

    Brad Hall: “Complain! Complain!”

    All: “Irainans’ pains come from mainly from Khomeini!”

    Tom Snyder: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    All: “Terrain in Maine is stained with acid rain!”

    Thanks to Michael Cauley of SNL Song Transcriptsfor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts

    Firing Line

    Firing Line

    William F. Buckley…..Robin Williams
    Dr. Philip Holder…..Eddie Murphy

    (FADE IN on a talk show set with the words “FIRING LINE” on the back wall as the theme music plays for several seconds. William F. Buckley [Robin Williams] is seated to the left, and Dr. Philip Holder [Eddie Murphy] is seated on the right.

    William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, good evening. Uh, I’m William F. Buckley. Ah, uh, welcome to “Firing Line.” Uh, tonight’s show, uh, delves into the phenomena of black entertainers. With us is Dr. Philip Holder. Good evening, doctor.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Hello, doctor.

    William F. Buckley: Doctor, I’d like to begin by axing you a question, if I may. To what, uh, to what do you attribute the sudden flammability of Negroes in the ‘80s?

    Dr. Philip Holder: Well, we all know that throughout the years, black has always been, because of pigment, more heat-conductive, but I believe that, because of evolution, that black man is becoming more flammable every day.

    William F. Buckley: Now, now, surely you’re not implying the phenomenon is more prevalent among entertainers than among other blacks, uh, Afro-Americans, uh, whatever phrase is current among you coloreds.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Yes. As you know, entertainment is a business where lots of bright lights are used, and because our skin absorbs heat, many times black entertainers just burst into flame. That’s why so many entertainers just disappear without a trace. Take your Rodney Allen Rippy, for instance. He was the hottest person in show business for a little while, and one day he was in the studio too long, and his pants just exploded, and he quit the business.

    William F. Buckley: Oh. Uh, ah, ah, so you’re saying this sudden ignitability comes with the proliferation of all those soul, or funk groups that always seem to flourish under a liberal Democratic administration.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Oh yes, yes, yes, definitely. Many groups like the Earth, Wind, and Fire, and the Silvers, and Tavares, and the Trammps, they’ve all stopped working together because there’s just too many lights required to light a big group like that, you see. The more lights, the hotter it is, which makes for a greater flame possibility.

    William F. Buckley: Well, uh-

    Dr. Philip Holder: In fact, the song “Disco Inferno” was written by the Trammps after they blew up after a 1978 concert.

    William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, is that, is that why so many of your black entertainers are, if I may use the expression, uh, “going solo.” Uh, uh, your, your, your Ritchies, uh, for example.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Oh, yes. That’s why Lionel Ritchie left the Commodores. He’s a very shrewd entertainer. See, Lionel figured, “Hey: all these dudes on stage, somebody’s gonna ignite,” all right. And he left the group. You see, one singer, one spotlight, less heat. [raises index finger and smiles]

    William F. Buckley: Oh. And, uh, what about, the, uh, literally flamboyant, uh, Michael Jackson? Uh, Michael Jackson, he’s, uh, certainly hot, to coin a phrase.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Well, Michael didn’t leave the Jacksons yet, but who knows? See, I mean, the gentleman recorded two smash albums by himself back-to-back, and went into the studio with his brothers for one day, and his head blows up.

    William F. Buckley: Well, uh, I think to me, uh, it certainly gives new meaning to his song, “Beat It,” if you catch my drift. [pats top of head]

    Dr. Philip Holder: Oh, yeah, “beat it,” like this? [pats his own head]

    William F. Buckley: Yes. Put out the fire. Um-

    Dr. Philip Holder: Many things happen that people don’t even know about. In the state of Florida, for instance, at least one brother catches fire a week. But it’s kept from the Afro-American public, you see.

    William F. Buckley: Uh, uh, I see. Ah, ah, ah, so what you’re saying here, what you’re saying here, in the 1960’s, the catchphrase was, uh, “black is beautiful,” where the catchphrase for the 1980s is, uh, “Black is flammable.” Uh, uh, I, forgive me, but this whole thing smacks as a left-wing conspiracy of paranoia, if you catch my drift.

    Dr. Philip Holder: The government doesn’t want to start a panic amongst blacks. I mean, the black population will be staying in the house, and then, you know, America’ll be boring, you know. There won’t be nothin’, no baseball, no basketball, no football, no nothin’, just… hockey.

    William F. Buckley: Uh, I see. I see, um.

    [Smoke starts drifting out from underneath Dr. Holder’s suit. Crowd roars with laughter. Buckley looks around in consternation.]

    William F. Buckley: Well, ah, ah, I think we’d better, uh, wind this one up, if you catch my drift. Uh, in the words of Bob Marley, “there’s gonna be some burnies smokin’ tonight.” Thank you, uh, I think the place is gettin’ cherry-whacked out here. Thank you, uh, very much.

    Dr. Philip Holder: Help! Tito!

    William F. Buckley: Thank you, uh, ah, thank you very much. Come with us next week on, uh, “Firing Line.”

    Dr. Philip Holder: Tito!

    [Theme music plays again as Dr. Holder pats his suit to try to put out the fire.]

    Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Billy Crystal: 03/17/84

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 15

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    February 25th, 1984

    Billy Crystal

    Al Jarreau


    Andy Breckman

    Ed Koch

    Clint Smith

    Yvonne Hudson
    St. Patrick’s Day Wrap-UpSummary: A confused Siobhan Cahill (Mary Gross) reports from a Purim celebration instead of the St. Patrick’s Day celebration she’d intended.

    Recurring Characters: Siobhan Cahill, Father Timothy Owens.


    Bill Crystal’s MonologueSummary: Billy Crystal performs stand-up about dating as a teenager.

    Hung Like MeRecurring Characters: Pee Wee Herman.

    Winston UniversitySummary: The recruiter (Billy Crystal) for Winston University lets a high school class in on a secret, but, if they tell anyone about it, he will track them down and kill them.


    Family in the AtticSummary: A Swiss couple (Tim Kazurinsky, Robin Duke) suddenly remember that they never set a group of WWII refugees free after the war ended.

    Note: This sketch was pre-filmed to accomodate Eddie Murphy’s movie schedule.

    Sammy & ronald ReaganSummary: President Ronald Reagan (Joe Piscopo) asks Sammy Davis, Jr. (Billy Crystal) to publicly hug his opponents as a measure to guarantee his re-election.

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan, Sammy Davis, Jr.

    Unanswered Questions of the UniverseRecurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

    Bad Career MovesSummary: Fred Kaz (Jim Belushi) interviews Hervé Villechaize (Billy Crystal), who recently quit “Fantasy Island” in pursuit of more money.


    Saturday Night NewsSummary: Recurring Characters: Fernando.

    Al Jarreau performs “Mornin'”

    God’s PlaceRecurring Characters: John F. Kennedy, Babe Ruth, Charlie Chaplin.

    The Womb

    Al Jarreau performs “Trouble in Paradise”

    Billy Crystal’s SNL StorySummary: Billy Crystal tells the audience about his stand-up performance that was cut from the very first of episode of “Saturday Night Live”, but time runs out once more before he can perform it.



    SNL Transcripts