Jerry Lewis’ French Translator

Jerry Lewis’ French Translator

Mary…..Mary Gross
…..Jerry Lewis
Jean-Pierre…..Tim Kazurinsky

[ Jerry Lewis follows Mary into a room in the French movie studio ]

Mary: And theese.. theese is the place where every Jerry Louis movie is dubbed into the French language.

Jerry Lewis: No kidding! Right here, huh?

Mary: Oui! Theese is the room, help you become – how you Americans say – a superstar in France.

Jerry Lewis: Really! I like this room!

Mary: Ees very nice.

Jerry Lewis: It is.

[ Jean-Pierre, the French Translator, enters ]

Mary: [ excited ] He’s here!

Jerry Lewis: Who’s here?

Mary: Jean-Pierre, the man who is the voice of Jerry Louis to millions of Frenchmen! Oh, I am so excited!

Jerry Lewis: [ stunned ] Oh.. him? He does all of my movies?

Mary: Yes! Every single one of them! He has devoted his life to being the voice of Jerry Louis!

Jerry Lewis: Well! I would like to meet him!

Mary: I’m sure he will be very excited! [ runs to him ] Jean-Pierre! [ brings him forward, acknowledging Jerry ] Jerry Louis!

[ Jean-Pierre faints ]

Jerry Lewis: No, no, no.. it’s okay.. [ picks Jean-Pierre up ] It’s me, yes..

Jean-Pierre: [ excited beyond his wildest dreams, starts kissing Jerry all over, praising him in French ] Jerry!

Jerry Lewis: What is he saying, Mary?

Mary: He says he loves you, you are a genius.

Jerry Lewis: Well, that’s very nice, I appreciate all that.. Would you ask him if he’d mind it if I watched him work?

Mary: [ in French, passes on Jerry’s request ]

Jean-Pierre: [ excited, kisses Jerry again ]

Mary: It would be an honor!

Jerry Lewis: Wonderful..

Mary: He’s doing a scene from “The King of Comedy”.

Jerry Lewis: [ apprehensive ] Oh.. well, now.. “The King of Comedy”, that’s a very, very complex role.. I mean, it’s very tense. It was a tremendous challenge for me, having to play it perfectly straight, of course. And, uh, this film takes a lot of risks – as a matter of fact, putting it into a foreign language is a risk. I’ll be interested.. [ Jean-Pierre has been kissing him admiringly ] Uh.. are you gonna be here again tomorrow? I’ll be interested to see how he does. Are they ready?

Mary: They certainly are! They’re ready to start!

Jerry Lewis: Good!

[ Jean-Pierre sets up his microphone in the center of the room, as the reel counts down on-screen ]

Mary: Theese is the scene that Jean-Pierre will be dubbing!

[ close-up of screen plays clip from “The King of Comedy” where Jerry’s character likens Robert deNiro’s deranged comedian character to Hitler ]

Jerry Lewis: [ watching ] That’s.. that’s a tough scene..

Jean-Pierre: [ addresses Jerry before starting ]

Mary: Ohh.. this is the happiest day of his life!

Jerry Lewis: Good..

[ Jean-Pierre cues a replay of Jerry in the movie saying, “Yes, it is! I have a life, okay?” ]

Jean-Pierre: [ starts screaming impishly, confusing the serious drama with Jerry’s typical nutty comedies like “The Nutty Professor” and “The Patsy” ]

Jerry Lewis: [ waving his hands ] Wait.. wait.. hold it.. wait a minute.. cut it.. cut it..

Mary: It is incredible how he sounds exactly like you, eh?

Jerry Lewis: He sounds exactly like me?

Mary: Eet ees uncanny, no?

Jerry Lewis: NO! Listen, Jean-Pierre.. this is a tragedy! Do you understand? [ Jean-Pierre kisses Jerry’s hands ] Will you stop with the kissing, and listen to me?

Mary: He does not speak English!

Jerry Lewis: Oh.. he doesn’t speak.. he doesn’t speak English! Then, how does he.. I mean.. look! Will you tell him this is tragic and dramatic!

Mary: [ translating to Jean-Pierre ]

Jean-Pierre: [ surprised ] Oh! Oui! Tragedie! [ laughs ] [ next scene replays, Jerry’s character yelling, “I told you I’d call to get rid of you!” ]

Jean-Pierre: [ translates wildly – “Allo? Allo? Au revoir!” ]

Jerry Lewis: No, this is insane!

[ movie clip plays Jerry’s character shouting, “That’s right!” ]

Jerry Lewis: No.. [ yells at the control booth ] Hold it! Cut it! Hold it and cut it, or cut it and hold it! Mary? Mary, this is a very, very serious film. It’s an important statement. A comment about American society! And he’s reading it like an idiot!

Mary: [ panicking, she informs Jean-Pierre in French that he’s translating the movie improperly ]

Jean-Pierre: [ ashamed of himself, pulls up his scarf and tries to choke himself to death ]

Jerry Lewis: [ worried by Jean-Pierre’s sudden action ] What is he saying, Mary? What is he saying?!

Mary: He’s ashamed, he wants to die!

Jerry Lewis: [ grabbing Jean-Pierre ] No, no, no, no, no!! Tell him to.. tell him to let go of the scarf!

Mary: Let go of the scarf!

[ Jean-Pierre won’t budge ]

Jerry Lewis: [ giving in ] Tell him I was joking.. tell him he did it perfect!

Mary: [ translating ] Perfecte!

Jean-Pierre: [ releases his grip on his scarf, turns to Jerry, smiles, then kisses him some more ]

Mary: He says, “I love this man! I love this man!”

[ next scene plays, DeNiro’s character shouts, “Alright, I made a mistake!” followed by Jerry’s character yelling, “So did Hitler!” ] [ near-mimicking Jerry’s flop “Which Way To The Front?”, Jean-Pierre jumps around yelling “Hitler!” as Jerry and Mary exit the studio ] [ screen shrinks, then reappears with the front page of Variety, big, bold headlines reading “King Of Comedy – Zany Box Office Smash In France” ] [ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

October 8th, 1983

Brandon Tartikoff

John Cougar

Gene Siskel

Roger Ebert

  • Tartikoff’s Office

  • Brandon Tartikoff’s Monologue

  • Calvin Klein Cream Pies

  • James Watt

  • Jazz Riffs

  • Feln’s Discount Food & Clothing Warehouse

  • Tartikoff’s Programming Ideas

    Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

  • Gumby & Pokey Rehearsal

    Recurring Characters: Gumby.

  • NBC Pavement Promotion

  • Larry’s Corner

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

  • John Cougar performs “Pink Houses”

  • Gun Rental

  • John Cougar performs “Crumblin’ Down”

  • NBC: Be There

  • Ethel’s Diner Tragedies


    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Tom & Dick Smothers: 12/03/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    December 3rd, 1983

    Tom & Dick Smothers

    Big Country

    Tom Seaver

    Ron Luciano

    Larry Holmes

    Big Country, “In A Big Country”.

  • Studio Rain Delay

    Umpire Rom Luciano waits for the rain to clear so the show can go on.

  • Tom & Dick Smothers’ Monologue

    Tom interrupts their song to take a picture of Dick.

  • Crisis Game ’83

    John Glenn (Tom Smothers) & Jesse Jackson (Eddie Murphy) compete in fake crises.

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Jesse Jackson.

  • Know Your Neighbor

    Talk show host (Jim Belushi) scoffs Jewish Hanukkah celebration.

  • Tom Carvel

    Carvel francisee (Tim Kazurinsky) specializes in adult cakes.

  • Big Country performs “In A Big Country”

  • Mentl

    Barbra Streisand (Joe Piscopo) takes on all the roles in latest movie.

    Recurring Characters: Barbra Streisand.

  • Tom & Dick Smothers perform “Fantasy For Auto Horn & Electronic Pulse

    in D Minor”

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

    Gary Kroeger shows off his 21-year-old Cabbage Patch Kid (Jim Belushi).

    Dr. Jack Badofsky list types of influenza.

    Joe Piscopo interviews boxing champ Larry Holmes.

    Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

  • Dream Land

    Sexual fantasy remains undetermined.

  • “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”

    Tom & Dick Smothers tell the classic tale.

  • Garage Band Audition

    Audition can only go so far on minimal talent.

  • Autographs

    Man (Tom Smothers) tries to get Dick Smothers’ autograph.

  • Big Country performs “Fields of Fire”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83: Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 1

    83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

    Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse

    Herb Feln…Joe Piscopo

    [FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]

    Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!

    Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]

    Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!

    [by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!

    [applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]

    Submitted by: Larchman

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83: Goodnights

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 1

    83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar


    …Brandon Tartikoff

    Brandon Tartikoff: You know, when I first said that I was going to do this show, and they publicized it that ‘The Boss’ was going to be on Saturday Night Live, there was a lot of disappointment when Bruce Springsteen didn’t show up, but I’m glad I was here, I’m glad I did it. Thanks to Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and this wonderful cast! Thank you!

    Gary Kroeger: Goodbye!

    [Mary Gross kisses and embraces Brandon. Joe Piscopo carries his son Joey on his shoulders as Gary does the same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]

    Submitted by: Larchman

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Brandon Tartikoff: 10/08/83: NBC: Be There

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: Episode 1

    83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

    NBC: Be There

    Announcer…Joe Piscopo (v/o)

    [FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]

    Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That’s not competition, that’s a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You’d have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?

    Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: “REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION”] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]

    Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don’t take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]

    Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: “A DOCTOR”] As I tell all my patients, CBS’s new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.

    [fade to NBC peacock ‘Be There’ graphic]

    Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!

    [applause and fade]

    Submitted by: Larchman

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman: 10/15/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    October 15th, 1983

    Danny DeVito

    Rhea Perlman

    Eddy Grant

    Dick Cavett

  • Calvin Klein Cream Pies

  • Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman’s Monologue

  • Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

    Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

  • Crazy Edelman

  • What Would Frank Do?

    Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Dion Dion.

  • It’s A Small World

  • Odyssey of a Paperclip

  • Espanol Class

  • Bald No More

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

  • Eddy Grant performs “I Don’t Wanna Dance” & “Electric Avenue”

  • Autograph Seekers

  • Book Beat

  • Amos ‘n’ Andy Show

  • Masterpiece Humor

  • Politician Funeral

  • Eddy Grant performs “Living on the Front Line”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: John Candy: 10/22/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    October 22nd, 1983

    John Candy

    Men At Work


  • Mr. Mambo Stalls

  • John Candy’s Monologue

  • Doc Edmund

  • Village of the Damned Little Rascals

  • Suburban Eddie

  • Phone Booth Confessional

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

    Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

  • Men At Work perform “Doctor Heckyll & Mr. Jive”

  • Ronald McDonald’s Nasty Side

  • Poly-Rock Denture Cream

  • Candace’s Fantasy Shack

  • Prison Winter

  • Men At Work perform “It’s A Mistake”

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Betty Thomas: 11/05/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    November 5th, 1983

    Betty Thomas

    Stray Cats


  • Jesse Jackson

    Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

  • Betty Thomas’ Monologue

  • Memorex Video Tape

  • James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party

  • Elvis As Curly

  • Special Report

  • Stray Cats perform “She’s Sexy + 17”

  • Unanswered Questions Of The Universe

    Recurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

  • You Win A Dollar

  • Perfectly Frank

  • Swan Lake Flashdance

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Jane Fonda’s Pregnancy Workout

  • Gumby’s Life Story

    Recurring Characters: Gumby.

  • Switzerland Under Control

    Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

  • Stray Cats perform “I Won’t Stand in Your Way”

  • Transsexual Support Group Meeting

    SNL Transcripts

  • James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party

    James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party

    James Brown…..Eddie Murphy

    Announcer: It’s James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party! And now, here he is – the Godfather of Soul, and hot tub man number one – James Brown!

    [ James Brown dances onto the set surrounding his hot tub ]

    James Brown: [ singing ]

    “Sometimes it make me break out in a cold sweat!
    One two three four!

    Hot tub! Ha! Da!
    Ah, full of water!
    I say hot tub! Ha!
    Day! Ba! Very, very hot. Very hot! Da!
    Hot tub! Gonna get ya hot-a!
    Gonna make ya sweat! Hey! Say!
    Hot tub! Rub a dub in the hot tub!
    Rub a dub with me!

    Should I get in the hot tub?
    (Yeah!)Will it make me sweat?
    (Yeah!)Should I get in the hot tub?
    (Yeah!)Will it make me wet?
    (Yeah!)Well, well, well..

    Hot tub! Ah!
    Get in!
    Gonna get in the water!
    Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
    Here I go in the hot tub!


    Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!
    Burn myself!
    Make it cooler!
    Good God!
    Gonna make me..

    I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
    I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
    I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
    Ha! Lilin! Lidilin! Eh!
    A gonna make me sweat-ah!
    Dah! Gonna make me sweat!
    Gonna make me sweat-ah!
    Dah! Gonna get me in the hot tub!
    I can’t stand it!
    Here I go! I can’t stand it!

    Here I go in the hot tub!
    Gonna get in the hot tub!
    Gonna get it wet-ah!
    Good God!
    Hhhiiigggghhhhh!!! Ha!
    Good God!
    Rub a dub!
    In the hot tub!
    Rub a dub with me!
    Good God!
    Rub a dub in the hot tub!
    Gonna set me free!”

    Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with more “Celebrity Hot Tub!”

    Announcer: Coming up next: Dr. Joyce Brothers joins James Brownon “Celebrity Hot Tub!”

    Thanks to Jeffrey Neaufor this transcript.

    SNL Transcripts