SNL Transcripts: Teri Garr: 11/12/83

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

November 12th, 1983

Teri Garr

Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham

Joel Hodgson

  • Pom Pom Girls

  • Teri Garr’s Monologue

  • Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

    Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

  • Thirsty Guy Contraceptive Sponge

  • The Real Story

  • Salon Dion

    Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.

  • Dwight MacNamara

    Recurring Characters: Dwight MacNamara.

  • “Talkin’ Dopeball”

  • Caffeine Achiever

  • Joel Hodgson

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

  • Marilyn Monroe/JFK

  • Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham perform

  • Saracastic Nun

  • Rabbit Husband

  • Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham perform “Tonight”

  • “What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?”

    SNL Transcripts

  • The Real Story

    The Real Story

    Lawrence Fleishacker…..Tim Kazurinsky
    Abraham Lincoln…..Joe Piscopo
    Mary Lincoln…..Mary Gross
    General…..Gary Kroeger

    [FADE IN on a still slide with a picture of a globe and the caption, “HISTORY: The Real Story.” FADE to Lawrence Fleishacker sitting in a leather-bound chair in a library, wearing a pair of spectacles, and reading a thick book. He looks up and addresses the camera.]

    Lawrence Fleishacker: Good evening. I’m Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, “The Real Story.” Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around… whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we’ll go behind another of history’s myths to learn, “The Real Story.”

    [FADE to a recreation of the balcony of Ford’s Theatre in Washington, D.C., on the night Lincoln was shot. Mary Gross is dressed as Mrs. Lincoln; Julia Louis-Dreyfus is dressed as a young lady in a pink dress off the shoulders. To the left is Gary Kroeger dressed as a Union general. The three watch the play for a moment, and then Joe Piscopo enters as Lincoln, in a long black suit and stovepipe hat. He is carrying a jumbo tub of popcorn and a large soft drink. He stumbles to his chair.]

    Abraham Lincoln: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. [plops into his seat]

    Abraham Lincoln: [loudly] Sorry I’m late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!

    General: That’s perfectly all right, Mr. President.

    [Joe throws an arm around Mary Gross’s shoulders and squeezes her tight.]

    Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I’m her first man!

    Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play!

    Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I’ve seen it five times, Mary–

    [Brad Hall is heard yelling from off camera]

    Voice: Yeah, well, some of US haven’t!!

    Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh?! [mockingly] What am I, just the President of the United STATES!!

    [He sits down and shakes his head. As the actors’ voices are faintly heard, Lincoln reaches into the inside right pocket of his suit and pulls out a candy bar. Noisy unwrapping sounds are heard as he peels off the wrapper, and the audience shushes him.]

    Abraham Lincoln: [leaning over railing] SORRY!

    [Joe takes a bite out of the candy bar and tosses the rest of it behind him. He points toward the stage.]

    Abraham Lincoln: [with his mouth full] Hey. Oh, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.

    [He stands up and calls toward the stage]

    Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey! You tell him, honey, YEAH!! WHOOOO!!!

    [sits back down]

    Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don’t know how to enjoy theatre.

    Voice: [off camera] Hey, quiet down, will ya?!

    Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal!!

    [drops his tub of popcorn and his drink off the balcony]

    Abraham Lincoln: Whoa!

    Voice: [furious] Watch it!!

    Abraham Lincoln: Hey, I’m sorry, pal! Look, send me your cleaning bill! To my GETTYSBURG ADDRESS! Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!! [slaps railing]

    [As the audience shushes Lincoln, the general next to him taps him on the shoulder to try to divert his attention. Mrs. Lincoln raises her opera glasses and concentrates on the play.]

    General: Mr. President, Mr. President, I understand that the young woman taking the role of Sarah tonight is the talk of Washington.

    Abraham Lincoln: Oh, yeah?!

    [grabs opera glasses from Mrs. Lincoln and peers at the stage]

    Abraham Lincoln: WHOA, YEAH!!! Hey, I thought mine eyes had seen the glory, but get a load of that babe!

    [stands up and waves toward stage]

    Abraham Lincoln: Hey, hey, hey, angelpuss! Whoooo, whoo, whoo!! Up here, huh?

    [An unidentified voice, presumably one of the actors, calls out from off camera with a heavy sort of Confederate General accent.]

    Voice 2: Will you shut up, suh?

    Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, hey, you gonna do something about it?

    Voice 2: I may, suh!

    Abraham Lincoln: Yeah, you and what Confederate Army, cracker-barrel?!

    Voice 2: I warned you, suh!

    Abraham Lincoln: [losing temper] Yeah, well, why don’t you come up here and do somethin’? What, what are you gonna do, shoot me, pal, huh?

    [Lincoln puts one leg on the railing and is about to vault over it, a la John Wilkes Booth. FREEZE picture, and then FADE to a shot of an oil a painting of Lincoln looking down and about to jump as the others try to restrain him. FADE to Lawrence Fleishacker sitting in his library.]

    Lawrence Fleishacker: And the rest is history. Please join us next week on “The Real Story” for “Hiroshima: Insurance Fraud of the Century.”

    [Music rises as Lawrence Fleishacker returns to reading his book. FADE to the slide with the globe and “HISTORY: THE REAL STORY,” then FADE to black.]

    Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Jerry Lewis: 11/19/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    November 19th, 1983

    Jerry Lewis



    Loverboy, “Working For The Weekend”.

  • Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

    Lewis dreams that Dr. Dean Martin (Joe Piscopo) performs his heart surgery.

    Recurring Characters: Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr.

  • Jerry Lewis’ Monologue

    Joe Piscopo & Eddie Murphy declare Lewis the true King of Comedy.

  • What Famous Person Do You Look Like?

    Citizens in the street confess their lookalikes.

  • The Forum

    Stupid people on panel are last to know of 20-year-old JFK assassination.

  • The Parachute

    One parachute, two skydivers (Lewis, Eddie Murphy), and a plug for NBC.

  • Cornet

    Rosemary Clooney (Jim Belushi) promotes Cornet toilet tissue.

  • Entertainment Tonight

    Celebrity interviews.

  • Fascinating People & Their Friends

    Jew (Lewis) pretends to be in a sports league to get on show.

  • Thanksgiving Dinner

    Rebellious college freshman (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) comes home for Thanksgiving.

  • Larry’s Corner

    Larry (Brad Hall) talks to the luckiest man on Earth (Gary Kroeger).

  • Loverboy performs “Working for the Weekend”

  • Jerry Lewis’ Translator

    French film translator (Tim Kazurinsky) thinks “King of Comedy” is an actual comedy.

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

    Acceptable narration of “The Day After”.

    Jim Belushi doesn’t want to debate on “The Day After”.

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus complains about the length of her segment.

    Mary Gross is fed up with holiday traditions.

    Jim Brown (Eddie Murphy) wants credit for Dirty Dozen run yardage.

  • Impersonation Tips

    Lewis gives pointers to Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy

  • Gusty

    Gusty (Jim Belushi) honors the whales with a song.

    SNL Transcripts

  • Cornet


    Rosemary Clooney…..Jim Belushi

    Rosemary Clooney: [ singing ]“Extra value is what you get, when you buy Cor-net.”

    Hi! I’m Rosemary Clooney. You know, I used to be young and cute. But now, I’m old and fat. Real fat. As a matter of fact, I’m one big fat, sloppy singer. That’s why the folks at Cornet have asked me to be their spokesman. I want to tell you about their toilet paper, their paper towels – they really sop up the mess.. and I make a mess when I eat! And you can get great value with Cornet, because when it comes to toilet paper, their roll is as big as mine. So, if you’re a slob, and need to clean up after yourself the way I do – wipen up with Cornet toilet paper, and maybe they’ll call you “Rosie”, too!

    Cornet. The toilet paper of the big stars. And that’s why I always say, [ singing ] “Extra value is what you get, when you buy Cor-net.”

    SNL Transcripts

    The Forum

    The Forum

    Phil Kubec…..Joe Piscopo
    Tom LaPorte…..Jim Belushi
    Carol Halpin…..Robin Duke
    Third Guest…..Tim Kazurinsky

    Phil Kubec: Good evening! I’m Phil Kubec, welcome to “The Forum”. This week marks the 20th anniversary of the death of John F. Kennedy. I suppose every American remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard that the President had been shot. Now, this week we have asked three Americans, chosen completely at random, to come on the show and tell us their stories. What is your name, Sir?

    Tom LaPorte: Uh, Tom LaPorte.

    Phil Kubec: Okay, Tom. Do you remember where you were when you heard that Kennedy was dead?

    Tom LaPorte: I sure do, Phil. I’ll never forget it. I was a freshman at Boston University at the time, and I remember walking across the Commons to go to class, and I heard a couple of guys talking. They were talking..

    Phil Kubec: [ interrupting ] Whoa, whoa, whoa.. hold on a second. How old are you?

    Tom LaPorte: I’m 29.

    Phil Kubec: Mmm-hmm.

    Tom LaPorte: So, anyhow, I was walking across the Commons, right? And I heard these two guys..

    Phil Kubec: I..I’m sorry, Tom. I don’t mean to interrupt you again. You were 9 years old, and you were a freshman at Boston University?

    Tom LaPorte: No, no, no, I was 18. Anyhow, I was walking across campus, and I saw these two guys talking..

    Phil Kubec: Hold on, Tom. Again, I’m sorry. Let me get this straight – you didn’t know that President Kennedy had been shot for nine years?

    Tom LaPorte: Well, Phil, you know, I was never really big, you know, on current events..

    Phil Kubec: We’re talking about the President getting shot, here! I mean, the President of the United States! How could you have missed it?

    Tom LaPorte: Well, you know.. I usually turn to the Sports page first. I like to catch that first..

    Phil Kubec: [ exasperated ] The Sports page?! This was one of the biggest stories of the decade!

    Tom LaPorte: Well, maybe it was a big story in Dallas, but..

    Phil Kubec: This was not a local story! I can’t believe this! Have you ever heard anything so stupid in your life?

    Tom LaPorte: [ defensive ] Yeah, well, I’m sure I know a lot more about sports than you do!

    Phil Kubec: Fine! Fine! [ turning to the next guest ] Uh, what’s your name, please?

    Carol Halpin: Carol Halpin.

    Tom LaPorte: Tell me, Carol, how did you first hear that President Kennedy had been shot?

    Phil Kubec: Well, Phil, this is a little embarassing, considering what transpired here.. but, uh.. he told me. [ indicates Tom ]

    Phil Kubec: What?!

    Carol Halpin: Backstage. Just before the show.

    Phil Kubec: You mean, you didn’t know about the Kennedy thing until tonight?!

    Tom LaPorte: [ laughing proudly ] What a dork, Phil!

    Phil Kubec: Have you people been in a coma, or what?

    Carol Halpin: Well, I.. I must have been watching another channel..

    Phil Kubec: [ outraged ] Another channel?! It was on all the channels! He was the President, for God’s sake! Everybody on Earth knew about it the day it happened, except for you two people sitting right here!!

    Third Guest: Uh, excuse me. Are you people talking about President Kennedy?

    Phil Kubec: Yes!

    Third Guest: Oh, what. Did something happen?

    Carol Halpin: He’s.. he’s been shot.

    Third Guest: Oh, no! No! No, he’s been shot! [ starts weeping ]

    Phil Kubec: [ disgusted ] That’s it for me. Join us next week on “The Forum”, when our guest will be Neil Armstrong, the first man on the moon.

    Tom LaPorte: [ intrigued ] Wait a minute.. you mean, there’s Americans.. on the moon?

    Phil Kubec: [ angry ] Yes!

    Tom LaPorte: [ excited ] Alright! [ turns to Carol ] Give me five! I can’t believe it! On the moon!

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Fascinating People and Their Friends

    Fascinating People and Their Friends

    Mike Nash…..Tim Kazurinsky
    Ram Fellstein…..Jerry Lewis

    Mike Nash: Good evening, and welcome to “Fascinating People and Their Friends.” I’m your host, Mike Nash, and tonight’s topic is: “Professional Football and the Rest Of Us.” Here to discuss this with us is Ram Fellstein, of the newly-formed AJFL.

    Ram Fellstein: [ deep-voiced ] Hello, Mike.

    Mike Nash: Could you tell us osmething about the AJFL.

    Ram Fellstein: Certainly, I’d be glad. The AJFL, or the American-Jewish Football League.. [ starts to crack up, covers face ]

    Mike Nash: [ covering ] Mmm-hmm.. Something in your eye, I see..

    Ram Fellstein: ..was.. was formed.. [ cracks up ] ..was formed last year to bring professional sports to the professional man! For example, I myself, in addition to being a co-founder of the league, am also quarterback for the Chicago Dentists!

    Mike Nash: Ah. I see. And when is your regular season.

    Ram Fellstein: Every Wednesday, from mid-November to mid-March.

    Mike Nash: Oh, what, your team doesn’t play on Sunday?

    Ram Fellstein: No. Sundays, we play golf. All the teams in the Eastern Division – that would be the Chicago Dentists, the Miami Obstetricians, the Atlanta Heart Specialists, and the New York Eye, Ear, Nose and Throat – we all play on Wednesday, our day off.

    Mike Nash: Hmm, that’s very interesting. Well, seeing as how none of you guys are professional athletes.. I mean, it’s just a bunch of doctors running around banging into each other, isn’t it? Injuries must be a big problem.

    Ram Fellstein: Oh, boy! I’ll say. Everytime someone gets hurt, there’s twenty-one guys out on the field trying to treat them! But first, last year, when we played the San Fransisco Attorneys in the Play-Offs, we had 85 yards in penalties, and $16 million in lawsuits!

    Mike Nash: Tough game. Who won?

    Ram Fellstein: It’s still up for appeal. It could be years before we find out!

    Mike Nash: Speaking of Play-Offs, does the AJFL have something equivalent to the Superbowl?

    Ram Fellstein: Oh, yes, oh boy, yes, oh yeah!

    Mike Nash: Tell me about it..

    Ram Fellstein: But the name changes each year, depend- – cracks up ] ..depending on who wins.

    Mike Nash: I see.

    Ram Fellstein: For example, the year the Dentists won, it was called the Spitbowl. The year the.. [ suppresses laughter ] ..Plastic Surgeons won, it was called the Nosebowl. I don’t even want to tell you what it was called the year the Gynecologists won.

    Mike Nash: No.. [ thinking ] Wait a minute.. hold it just a second.. Jews don’t play football!

    Ram Fellstein: So I lied! So sue me! But I got on your damn show, didn’t I?! [ laughs at him ]

    Mike Nash: Okay, join us next week on “Fascinating People”, when the subject is Nude Bullfighting. [ to Ram, as closing music sweeps ] You had me going there for a while..!

    SNL Transcripts

    Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

    Jerry Lewis’ Heart Surgery

    Intern…..Gary Kroeger
    …..Jerry Lewis
    Dream Nurse…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
    Dream Nurse #2/Nurse…..Mary Gross
    Dr. Dean Martin…..Joe Piscopo
    Sammy Davis, Jr……Eddie Murphy
    Doctor…..Tim Kazurinsky

    [ open on Intern and Nurses wheeling Jerry Lewis on a stretcher into the Emergency Room ]

    Intern: Don’t be nervous, Mr. Lewis.

    Jerry Lewis: [ groggy ] Let me ask you where I am..?

    Intern: Don’t be nervous, sir. You just had a heart attack. You’re about to undergo double bypass surgery. Just relax.

    Jerry Lewis: Uh.. where’s my doctor..? Where’s..

    Intern: Please. Just be calm, Mr. Lewis, he’ll be right in..

    Jerry Lewis: [ drifting off ] I’m feeling kind of sleepy.. they give you a lot of shots when you.. get sleepy..

    [ screen blurs into a dream sequence, Dream Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

    Dream Nurse: He’s fallen asleep.. Mr. Lewis is in great danger.. where’s the doctor..? Where could he be..? Where could he be..?

    [ screen blurs again to show “Dr.” Dean Martin enter the ER ]

    Dr. Dean Martin: [ singing ] “Everybody needs a bypass sometime. Everybody needs new arteries.”

    Dream Nurse #2: Hello, Doctor.

    Dr. Dean Martin: [ excited ] Hello-o-o-o, Beautiful! [ moves forward ] Ooh, ohhh..

    Jerry Lewis: [ mimicking himself in all of his comedies ] Hey, am I gonna make it, Doc?! Am I.. am I.. am I.. gonna make it, Doc..?

    Dr. Dean Martin: I don’t know about you, pal, but I’m gonna make it right now! Oh, Nurse! [ Dream Nurse walks up ] Ooh, Nurse! [ reaches over gurney to kiss her ] Scalpel, please. Oops!

    Jerry Lewis: [ alarmed ] Oops?! What’s with the Oops?! Oops?! Oops could be very bad! I could be in very bad..

    Dr. Dean Martin: Now, now, now, now.. I’m just gonna make a little incision right here, cut the chest open. I just hope I remember how to do this..

    Jerry Lewis: Yeah, well, look, I.. look, I have an appointment someplace! Why don’t I go, with you stay? Or.. let me leave, and I.. I don’t wanna.. [ sees Dr. Dean smoking his cigarette ] I don’t want you touching.. I don’t want you smoking.. but don’t lick ittt..

    Dr. Dean Martin: Calm down, Jerry, calm down. I’m the best there is! This operation requires nerves of steel and a steady hand.. [ grabs a martini from one of the many nurses surrounding the ER ] Oh, yeah, yeah, just what the doctor ordered! [ pokes out the olive with his scalpel ]

    Jerry Lewis: I.. I.. [ starts to crack up ]

    Dr. Dean Martin: You’re feeling great!

    Jerry Lewis: I dn’t mean to disturb you, Doc, really.. but maybe you shouldn’t be drinking at a time like thissss..

    Dr. Dean Martin: Why not? It’s Happy Hour, isn’t it? Alright, let’s get this thing over with now.. I think we’re gonna start right here, uh..

    Jerry Lewis: Oh, Doc.. whoa, Doc.. Doc, whoa.. don’t I need an anesthetic? Don’t I need somethin, in case of bleeding and tearing? You know.. in case of tearing and bleeding, and.. [ starts choking on Dr. Dean’s cigarette smoke ]

    Dr. Dean Martin: An anesthetic? That’s a good idea, Jerry, why not? [ sips from a second martini ]

    Jerry Lewis: No, no, no! I mean for me!

    Dr. Dean Martin: Ohhh.. okay. [ holds the martini in front of Jerry’s face ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ starts lapping the martini like a dog ] Hey! All these years, you knew something, didn’t you!

    Dr. Dean Martin: And now, I’d like to introduce you to a very special man.. he’s a very special man, he’s my guest anesthesiologist, Dr. Entertainment himself – please welcome Sammy!

    [ Sammy Davis, Jr. enters the ER ]

    Sammy Davis, Jr.: Dino, my man! It’s so groovy to see you! I was just down the hall doing my thing for a special that I’m working on. [ wraps his arm around Jerry ] Let me embarrass this cat for a moment now.. I love this cat, I really, really do. I really do. And only in this business, can a cat like me, and a like you..

    Jerry Lewis: [ cracking up ] Hey, Doc! Doc!

    Dr. Dean Martin: Yeah?

    Jerry Lewis: Are you sure this guy’s qualified? I mean, with a diploma on the wall, with a paper thing that says that he knows college and cutting..?

    Dr. Dean Martin: Well, he’s the tops, pallie, forget it!

    Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

    Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

    Jerry Lewis: Iwon’t forget it!

    Dr. Dean Martin: Forget it!

    Jerry Lewis: Doc?

    Dr. Dean Martin: What?

    Jerry Lewis: I forgot it. [ laughs loudly, as Sammy delights in the joke, then picks up a large scalpel ] Hey, he’s not gonna use this on me, is he?

    Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, no, no, Jer.. that’s to calm down his accountant after he gets the bill for Sammy’s pinky ring.

    [ Sammy laughs loudly, stomping the floor ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ ad-libbing ] Try to cheer up, will you? [ turns to Dr. Dean ] Then how is he gonna put me to sleeeeeeppp..?

    Sammy Davis, Jr.: Let me tell you about the time I was in Israel, man. You see, don’t worry about your operation, it’s gonna be groovy, man. Super, fabulous, and marvelous! Only in this business, can a cat like you, and a cat like him, and a chick like her, and a chick like her.. here a chick, there a chick.. [ singing ] “Everywhere a chick, chiiiickkk!”

    Dr. Dean Martin: Oh, ho, ho.. more anesthetic, Doc. More anesthetic.

    Sammy Davis, Jr.: [ singing ] “The Candyman makes everything he makes, satisfying and delicious.. talk about your child..” Back in 1962, when I was a young..

    [ screen blurs back to reality, Nurse looking down at Jerry ]

    Nurse: Look! He’s coming through! You came through like a champ! Bless your heart!

    [ screen blurs again to show the real Doctor standing next to Jerry’s gurney ]

    Doctor: Mr. Lewis?

    Jerry Lewis: [ groggier than ever ] Wha..?

    Doctor: Time to go to recovery. Your operation was a success.

    Jerry Lewis: Huh? Who are you?

    Doctor: Don’t you know me? I’m Dr. DeBakey, I performed your bypass.

    Jerry Lewis: [ confused ] ..You mean.. you mean, I.. then, he didn’t.. [ sees the light ] ..I guess.. it was all a dream.. “LIVE, FROM NEW YORK! IT’S SATURDAY NIGHT!!

    SNL Transcripts

    Jerry Lewis’ French Translator

    Jerry Lewis’ French Translator

    Mary…..Mary Gross
    …..Jerry Lewis
    Jean-Pierre…..Tim Kazurinsky

    [ Jerry Lewis follows Mary into a room in the French movie studio ]

    Mary: And theese.. theese is the place where every Jerry Louis movie is dubbed into the French language.

    Jerry Lewis: No kidding! Right here, huh?

    Mary: Oui! Theese is the room, help you become – how you Americans say – a superstar in France.

    Jerry Lewis: Really! I like this room!

    Mary: Ees very nice.

    Jerry Lewis: It is.

    [ Jean-Pierre, the French Translator, enters ]

    Mary: [ excited ] He’s here!

    Jerry Lewis: Who’s here?

    Mary: Jean-Pierre, the man who is the voice of Jerry Louis to millions of Frenchmen! Oh, I am so excited!

    Jerry Lewis: [ stunned ] Oh.. him? He does all of my movies?

    Mary: Yes! Every single one of them! He has devoted his life to being the voice of Jerry Louis!

    Jerry Lewis: Well! I would like to meet him!

    Mary: I’m sure he will be very excited! [ runs to him ] Jean-Pierre! [ brings him forward, acknowledging Jerry ] Jerry Louis!

    [ Jean-Pierre faints ]

    Jerry Lewis: No, no, no.. it’s okay.. [ picks Jean-Pierre up ] It’s me, yes..

    Jean-Pierre: [ excited beyond his wildest dreams, starts kissing Jerry all over, praising him in French ] Jerry!

    Jerry Lewis: What is he saying, Mary?

    Mary: He says he loves you, you are a genius.

    Jerry Lewis: Well, that’s very nice, I appreciate all that.. Would you ask him if he’d mind it if I watched him work?

    Mary: [ in French, passes on Jerry’s request ]

    Jean-Pierre: [ excited, kisses Jerry again ]

    Mary: It would be an honor!

    Jerry Lewis: Wonderful..

    Mary: He’s doing a scene from “The King of Comedy”.

    Jerry Lewis: [ apprehensive ] Oh.. well, now.. “The King of Comedy”, that’s a very, very complex role.. I mean, it’s very tense. It was a tremendous challenge for me, having to play it perfectly straight, of course. And, uh, this film takes a lot of risks – as a matter of fact, putting it into a foreign language is a risk. I’ll be interested.. [ Jean-Pierre has been kissing him admiringly ] Uh.. are you gonna be here again tomorrow? I’ll be interested to see how he does. Are they ready?

    Mary: They certainly are! They’re ready to start!

    Jerry Lewis: Good!

    [ Jean-Pierre sets up his microphone in the center of the room, as the reel counts down on-screen ]

    Mary: Theese is the scene that Jean-Pierre will be dubbing!

    [ close-up of screen plays clip from “The King of Comedy” where Jerry’s character likens Robert deNiro’s deranged comedian character to Hitler ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ watching ] That’s.. that’s a tough scene..

    Jean-Pierre: [ addresses Jerry before starting ]

    Mary: Ohh.. this is the happiest day of his life!

    Jerry Lewis: Good..

    [ Jean-Pierre cues a replay of Jerry in the movie saying, “Yes, it is! I have a life, okay?” ]

    Jean-Pierre: [ starts screaming impishly, confusing the serious drama with Jerry’s typical nutty comedies like “The Nutty Professor” and “The Patsy” ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ waving his hands ] Wait.. wait.. hold it.. wait a minute.. cut it.. cut it..

    Mary: It is incredible how he sounds exactly like you, eh?

    Jerry Lewis: He sounds exactly like me?

    Mary: Eet ees uncanny, no?

    Jerry Lewis: NO! Listen, Jean-Pierre.. this is a tragedy! Do you understand? [ Jean-Pierre kisses Jerry’s hands ] Will you stop with the kissing, and listen to me?

    Mary: He does not speak English!

    Jerry Lewis: Oh.. he doesn’t speak.. he doesn’t speak English! Then, how does he.. I mean.. look! Will you tell him this is tragic and dramatic!

    Mary: [ translating to Jean-Pierre ]

    Jean-Pierre: [ surprised ] Oh! Oui! Tragedie! [ laughs ] [ next scene replays, Jerry’s character yelling, “I told you I’d call to get rid of you!” ]

    Jean-Pierre: [ translates wildly – “Allo? Allo? Au revoir!” ]

    Jerry Lewis: No, this is insane!

    [ movie clip plays Jerry’s character shouting, “That’s right!” ]

    Jerry Lewis: No.. [ yells at the control booth ] Hold it! Cut it! Hold it and cut it, or cut it and hold it! Mary? Mary, this is a very, very serious film. It’s an important statement. A comment about American society! And he’s reading it like an idiot!

    Mary: [ panicking, she informs Jean-Pierre in French that he’s translating the movie improperly ]

    Jean-Pierre: [ ashamed of himself, pulls up his scarf and tries to choke himself to death ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ worried by Jean-Pierre’s sudden action ] What is he saying, Mary? What is he saying?!

    Mary: He’s ashamed, he wants to die!

    Jerry Lewis: [ grabbing Jean-Pierre ] No, no, no, no, no!! Tell him to.. tell him to let go of the scarf!

    Mary: Let go of the scarf!

    [ Jean-Pierre won’t budge ]

    Jerry Lewis: [ giving in ] Tell him I was joking.. tell him he did it perfect!

    Mary: [ translating ] Perfecte!

    Jean-Pierre: [ releases his grip on his scarf, turns to Jerry, smiles, then kisses him some more ]

    Mary: He says, “I love this man! I love this man!”

    [ next scene plays, DeNiro’s character shouts, “Alright, I made a mistake!” followed by Jerry’s character yelling, “So did Hitler!” ] [ near-mimicking Jerry’s flop “Which Way To The Front?”, Jean-Pierre jumps around yelling “Hitler!” as Jerry and Mary exit the studio ] [ screen shrinks, then reappears with the front page of Variety, big, bold headlines reading “King Of Comedy – Zany Box Office Smash In France” ] [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Tom & Dick Smothers: 12/03/83

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    December 3rd, 1983

    Tom & Dick Smothers

    Big Country

    Tom Seaver

    Ron Luciano

    Larry Holmes

    Big Country, “In A Big Country”.

  • Studio Rain Delay

    Umpire Rom Luciano waits for the rain to clear so the show can go on.

  • Tom & Dick Smothers’ Monologue

    Tom interrupts their song to take a picture of Dick.

  • Crisis Game ’83

    John Glenn (Tom Smothers) & Jesse Jackson (Eddie Murphy) compete in fake crises.

    Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Jesse Jackson.

  • Know Your Neighbor

    Talk show host (Jim Belushi) scoffs Jewish Hanukkah celebration.

  • Tom Carvel

    Carvel francisee (Tim Kazurinsky) specializes in adult cakes.

  • Big Country performs “In A Big Country”

  • Mentl

    Barbra Streisand (Joe Piscopo) takes on all the roles in latest movie.

    Recurring Characters: Barbra Streisand.

  • Tom & Dick Smothers perform “Fantasy For Auto Horn & Electronic Pulse

    in D Minor”

  • Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

    Gary Kroeger shows off his 21-year-old Cabbage Patch Kid (Jim Belushi).

    Dr. Jack Badofsky list types of influenza.

    Joe Piscopo interviews boxing champ Larry Holmes.

    Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

  • Dream Land

    Sexual fantasy remains undetermined.

  • “The Boy Who Cried Wolf”

    Tom & Dick Smothers tell the classic tale.

  • Garage Band Audition

    Audition can only go so far on minimal talent.

  • Autographs

    Man (Tom Smothers) tries to get Dick Smothers’ autograph.

  • Big Country performs “Fields of Fire”

    SNL Transcripts

  • Saturday Night Live: 1983-1984

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 9: 1983-1984

    This free script provided by]]>


  • Jim Belushi
  • Robin Duke
  • Mary Gross
  • Brad Hall
  • Tim Kazurinsky
  • Gary Kroeger
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Joe Piscopo
  • Episodes

  • 10/08/83: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar
  • 10/15/83: Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman / Eddy Grant
  • 10/22/83: John Candy / Men at Work
  • 11/05/83: Betty Thomas / Stray Cats
  • 11/12/83: Teri Garr / Mick Fleetwood’s Zoo & Lindsey Buckingham
  • 11/19/83: Jerry Lewis / Loverboy
  • 12/03/83: Tom & Dick Smothers / Big Country
  • 12/10/83: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks
  • 01/14/84: Father Guido Sarducci / Huey Lewis & The News
  • 01/21/84: Michael Palin / The Motels
  • 01/28/84: Don Rickles / Billy Idol
  • 02/11/84: Robin Williams / Adam Ant
  • 02/18/84: Jamie Lee Curtis / The Fixx
  • 02/25/84: Edwin Newman / Kool & The Gang
  • 03/17/84: Billy Crystal / Al Jarreau
  • 04/07/84: Michael Douglas / Deniece Williams
  • 04/14/84: George McGovern / Madness
  • 05/05/84: Barry Bostwick / Spinal Tap
  • 05/12/84: Billy Crystal, Ed Koch, Edwin Newman, Father Guido Sarducci, Betty Thomas / The Cars
  • SummaryA long-time habit of “Saturday Night Live” has been to employ up-and-coming personalities as their hosts, but Dick Ebersol planned a different strategy for the 1983 season. Straying from their usual host selections, “SNL” recruiteded many older generation stars to become hosts – stars like Jerry Lewis, Flip Wilson and Don Rickles. Of the up-and-coming personalities, comedian Robin Williams makes his hosting debut, and future castmember Billy Crystal probably enjoyed hosting so much that he just had to come back to be on the show each week. Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo perform their final sketches this season (after the death of Buckwheat, what’s left to do?), as does everyone else from the 1981 cast – with the exception of Mary Gross, who must have thought she would get to do more sketches with Murphy and Piscopo far away from the cameras.

    SNL Transcripts