Category: 1983

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
January 21st, 1984

Michael Palin

The Motels

None

Piscopo’s Make-up Switch

Michael Palin’s Monologue

Boy George Burns, The Man & His Music

Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

Mick Pitwhistle Does It All

Powerful Living Dog Snacks

Man-on-Chain Apartment

That’s Okay

“Convenience Store Robbery”

Would You Believe It?

Saturday Night News wih Brad Hall

Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

The Motels perform “Suddenly Last Summer”

Save The Plankton

House of Mutton

The Motels perform “Remember the Nights”

Life on the Mississippi

SNL Transcripts

Linda Ronstadt

Linda Ronstadt…..Julia Louis-Dreyfus

[FADE IN on Julia-Louis Dreyfus dressed and posing like Linda Ronstadt. The words, “What’s New–Nelson Riddle and His Orchestra” frame the shot, exactly like Ronstadt’s album of the same name. The background music to the title track plays, and Julia begins to sing live.]

Linda Ronstadt: [singing]
“What’s new?
How is the world treating you?
I made the big bucks fast,
Since I have learned to rip off the past.

“What’s new?
In four years, I’ll be 42,
And music’s just a game,
A silly riddle, Nelson’s his name.

[Julia sits up]

Linda Ronstadt: [singing]
“What’s old?
Records I make turn to gold,
And though the income’s grand,
The songs I sing, I don’t understand,
Thank God for the band.

“What’s next?
This old backup singer’s perplexed.
[coyly] I sing old songs for you,
‘Cause I can’t do what’s new!”

[ZOOM back to show Julia leaning back and posing as before, and then the same album frame appears around the shot.]

Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 8th, 1983

Brandon Tartikoff

John Cougar

Gene Siskel

Roger Ebert

Tartikoff’s Office

Brandon Tartikoff’s Monologue

Calvin Klein Cream Pies

James Watt

Jazz Riffs

Feln’s Discount Food & Clothing Warehouse

Tartikoff’s Programming Ideas

Recurring Characters: Doug Whiner, Wendy Whiner.

Gumby & Pokey Rehearsal

Recurring Characters: Gumby.

NBC Pavement Promotion

Larry’s Corner

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

John Cougar performs “Pink Houses”

Gun Rental

John Cougar performs “Crumblin’ Down”

NBC: Be There

Ethel’s Diner Tragedies

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse

Herb Feln…Joe Piscopo

[FADE IN on warehouse. Herb Feln is standing behind a desk with various items of clothing strewn about. In front of the desk, a selection of produce. Behind Feln, a few racks of clothing and signs on the wall, some reading “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE”, “95% GUARANTEE, 5% POLYESTER”, “E-Z CREDIT TERMS UNAVAILABLE” Feln is wearing a red jacket and loud tie]

Herb Feln: Hi, Herb Feln here, for Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing, 3535 North on Milwaukee Avenue. Well, it’s inventory time, and are we overstocked! You’ve caught us with our warehouse full of pants down! Yes, down, up, and halfway to Cleveland! All our designer fashions! All our fresh, delicious produce! Everything must go to make room for more, and are we willing to deal!

Take a look at this three piece outfit! [grabs items one by one] Shirt, bowtie, and ski glove! All made right here in America and guaranteed for the life of the garment, whichever comes first! Or how about this: [grabs more items one by one] Matching T-shirt and pomegranate! Take two! Take three! Take two! The more you buy, the more you have! And who can resist this: [grabs more items one by one] boxer shorts, kneepads, and concord grapes! [shakes grapes loose] Is that a combo or what? You tell us! Just take the shorts and the grapes! [throws grapes at camera, some juice splatters on the lens] At Feln’s, you’re the customer! [drops shorts]

Hey! What do we have here? [reaches behind desk, picks up hanger] First quality, top-of-the-line sleeveless dinner jackets! Aaaand inside each one, grapefruit from Florida! One in each pocket! [tosses it aside, sotto voce] Believe me, there’s another one in there… [normal pitch voice] You won’t be able to tell the difference! Need socks? Who doesn’t? Seven for a dollar! [picks up socks] That’s three and a half complete pairs for one dollar! [tosses socks, picks up avocados] Avocados, avocados, avocados! [does Crazy Eddie-esque hand gesture] Can you ever have enough? Buy two, get a shoe! [holds up black shoe] Buy four, get one more! [holds up non-matching tan shoe] Yes, a- a spare shoe for the office and the train! [thumps black shoe] Can you afford to be without one? [thumps to the next words] You tell us!

[by now, Feln is tossing random bits of food toward the camera] And remember! Remember you have Feln’s Food and Clothing Warehouse’s guarantee! You must, we repeat, you must [Joe Piscopo begins to break character] be absolutely delighted with our prices, or you’ll know why! How’s that for fair? [stifling laughter as “FELN’S DISCOUNT FOOD AND CLOTHING WAREHOUSE” graphic superimposes on lower half of screen] Feln’s Discount Food and Clothing Warehouse! Warehouse is our last name!

[applause and fade as Feln continues to toss food toward the camera dodging some being thrown back at him]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

Goodnights

…Brandon Tartikoff

Brandon Tartikoff: You know, when I first said that I was going to do this show, and they publicized it that ‘The Boss’ was going to be on Saturday Night Live, there was a lot of disappointment when Bruce Springsteen didn’t show up, but I’m glad I was here, I’m glad I did it. Thanks to Roger Ebert, Gene Siskel, and this wonderful cast! Thank you!

Gary Kroeger: Goodbye!

[Mary Gross kisses and embraces Brandon. Joe Piscopo carries his son Joey on his shoulders as Gary does the same with Julia Louis-Dreyfus.]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 9: Episode 1

83a: Brandon Tartikoff / John Cougar

NBC: Be There

Announcer…Joe Piscopo (v/o)

[FADE IN on red letter NBC graphic, with grey background dotted with miniature peacocks as per the 1983 NBC promo graphics]

Announcer: This fall, NBC is getting tough on the competition! Did we say competition? [fade to stills with various show titles and photos] T.J. Hooker? Hotel? Goodnight Beantown? That’s not competition, that’s a load of crap! [fade to candle in book-lined study, pan right to minister sitting in chair reading the Bible] You’d have to be crazy to watch it, or a godless Communist. Right, Reverend?

Rev. Luther Woodhead: [removes glasses, SUPER: “REV. LUTHER WOODHEAD. CHAIRMAN, GOOD CHRISTIANS FOR BETTER TELEVISION”] Anyone who watches Hotel this year on ABC is condemning his soul to eternal damnation! [puts glasses back on and resumes reading]

Announcer: Reason enough to watch NBC, but don’t take our word for it, ask your docton. [fade to doctor standing in operating room]

Doctor: [closes clipboard, SUPER: “A DOCTOR”] As I tell all my patients, CBS’s new fall schedule is a leading cause of heart disease in America.

[fade to NBC peacock ‘Be There’ graphic]

Announcer: NBC. Watch us, or die and go to Hell!

[applause and fade]

Submitted by: Larchman

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 15th, 1983

Danny DeVito

Rhea Perlman

Eddy Grant

Dick Cavett

Calvin Klein Cream Pies

Danny DeVito & Rhea Perlman’s Monologue

Mister Robinson’s Neighborhood

Recurring Characters: Mister Robinson.

Crazy Edelman

What Would Frank Do?

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Dion Dion.

It’s A Small World

Odyssey of a Paperclip

Espanol Class

Bald No More

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Eddy Grant performs “I Don’t Wanna Dance” & “Electric Avenue”

Autograph Seekers

Book Beat

Amos ‘n’ Andy Show

Masterpiece Humor

Politician Funeral

Eddy Grant performs “Living on the Front Line”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 22nd, 1983

John Candy

Men At Work

None

Mr. Mambo Stalls

John Candy’s Monologue

Doc Edmund

Village of the Damned Little Rascals

Suburban Eddie

Phone Booth Confessional

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Recurring Characters: Dr. Jack Badofsky.

Men At Work perform “Doctor Heckyll & Mr. Jive”

Ronald McDonald’s Nasty Side

Poly-Rock Denture Cream

Candace’s Fantasy Shack

Prison Winter

Men At Work perform “It’s A Mistake”

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 5th, 1983

Betty Thomas

Stray Cats

None

Jesse Jackson

Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.

Betty Thomas’ Monologue

Memorex Video Tape

James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party

Elvis As Curly

Special Report

Stray Cats perform “She’s Sexy + 17”

Unanswered Questions Of The Universe

Recurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.

You Win A Dollar

Perfectly Frank

Swan Lake Flashdance

Saturday Night News with Brad Hall

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Jane Fonda’s Pregnancy Workout

Gumby’s Life Story

Recurring Characters: Gumby.

Switzerland Under Control

Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.

Stray Cats perform “I Won’t Stand in Your Way”

Transsexual Support Group Meeting

SNL Transcripts

James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party

James Brown…..Eddie Murphy

Announcer: It’s James Brown’s Celebrity Hot Tub Party! And now, here he is – the Godfather of Soul, and hot tub man number one – James Brown!

[ James Brown dances onto the set surrounding his hot tub ]

James Brown: [ singing ]

“Sometimes it make me break out in a cold sweat!
One two three four!

Hot tub! Ha! Da!
Ah, full of water!
I say hot tub! Ha!
Day! Ba! Very, very hot. Very hot! Da!
Hot tub! Gonna get ya hot-a!
Gonna make ya sweat! Hey! Say!
Hot tub! Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!

Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)Will it make me sweat?
(Yeah!)Should I get in the hot tub?
(Yeah!)Will it make me wet?
(Yeah!)Well, well, well..

Hot tub! Ah!
Get in!
Gonna get in the water!
Gonna make me sweat! Ah!
Here I go in the hot tub!

Hhhhhiiiigggghhhh!!!

Too hot in the hot tub! Ma!
Burn myself!
Make it cooler!
Good God!
Gonna make me..

I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
I’m gonna get in the hot tub..
Ha! Lilin! Lidilin! Eh!
A gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna make me sweat!
Gonna make me sweat-ah!
Dah! Gonna get me in the hot tub!
I can’t stand it!
Here I go! I can’t stand it!

Here I go in the hot tub!
Gonna get in the hot tub!
Gonna get it wet-ah!
Good God!
Hhhiiigggghhhhh!!! Ha!
Good God!
Rub a dub!
In the hot tub!
Rub a dub with me!
Good God!
Rub a dub in the hot tub!
Gonna set me free!”

Don’t go away, we’ll be right back with more “Celebrity Hot Tub!”

Announcer: Coming up next: Dr. Joyce Brothers joins James Brownon “Celebrity Hot Tub!”

Thanks to Jeffrey Neaufor this transcript.

SNL Transcripts