For Die Hard Saturday Night Live Fans
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
December 10th, 1983
Flip Wilson
Stevie Nicks
Joel Hodgson
Stevie Nicks, “Stand Back”
Recurring Characters: Dion Dion, Blaire.
Recurring Characters: Havnagootiim Vishnuuerheer.
Recurring Characters: Solomon, Pudge.
Goodnights
…..Flip Wilson
Flip Wilson: Before we go I’d like to thank our musical guest Stevie Nicks (applause), Joel Hodgeson (more applause). I would also like to take the opportunity to thank these wonderful people here on stage with me for making me feel right at home (turns and starts to thank each castmember–individually. Turns back and addresses the control room) Whenever you’re ready y’all can just fade to black…
(Flip continues to mingle as the theme song starts up)
Don Pardo VO: (as credits roll) This is Don Pardo saying, thank you for tuning in, and thank you for a wonderful year! If I don’t get a chance to do so, Merry Christmas! And a Happy New Year!
And for our Jewish friends–Happy Hannukah!
And for our daredevil friends…lotsa luck!
And for our political friends…Have a Good Election!
And for our musical friends…The Beat Goes On!
And for our West Coast friends..Having a Groovy Space!
And for our Alan Thicke friends….
….goodnight…..
Thanks to Shawn for this transcript!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 8
83h: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks
Flip Wilson’s Monologue
…..Flip Wilson
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Flip Wilson!
[ Flip takes center stage, bowing and eliciting more applause from the audience. ]
Flip Wilson: Woo! Thank you! Okay … okay … oh … thank you very much. Thank you very much, and welcome! We’re gonna have a good time here tonight. This is my, this is my birthday and Christmas present to you! [ more applause ] We’re gonna have a GOOD TIME! Good time! [ waits for the applause to die down, then talks to someone off-camera ] Hey … uh … I think we’ve used up almost all of my monologue time in applause, therefore if we could just — hey, hey, I’m gonna do some of that disc — you know, the humor? The stories that the uh, censor told me I couldn’t do? … I’m gonna do ’em. [ more cheers ] I’m just gonna do — I’m just gonna do one! Well — we’re live, and I know he’s not gonna come out here and snatch me off! Besides, I’m do — well, this is a story I call, discontinued humor. I stopped doing it out of respect to all my Polish friends. ‘Cause I got a lot of Polish friends who’re tired of hearing those Polish stories, and uh, one of the guys even went to the extent of saying to himself that he was gonna develop an Italian accent and change his name, so people would think he was Italian, then he wouldn’t have to hear those Polish stories. And he worked on it about six months. He had it down pretty good, and he was ready to try it out one day, and he goes into a little shop, and he says to the proprietor, “Sir, my name-a Tony. Sir, I wanna buy some mozzarella, some-a rigatoni and-a some scungilli.” And the proprietor said, “You’re Polish, aren’t you?” The fella said, “Yeah, how’d you know?” The guy said, “Because this is a hardware store.” [ chuckles ] We’ll be right back!
[ Applause, fade out ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 8
83h: Flip Wilson / Stevie Nicks
Older Sisters of the Young
Mary Tyler Moore…..Mary Gross
[ Open on Mary Tyler Moore sitting in an armchair in a study. ]
Mary Tyler Moore: [ sing-songy voice ] Hi! I’m Mary Tyler Moore. You know, Christmas is a time for the very young. A time to think about those kids who really need someone to love them, and give them a home. So I myself have just adopted one of these children. For eight years, he was shuttled from hospital to hospital, never knowing a good night’s sleep or a decent meal.
[ A young man sits by her side. She gives a glance, then faces the camera again ]
Mary Tyler Moore: Yes, Richard was in medical school. And like thousands of other attractive young doctors, he desperately needed the guiding hand of a mature, experienced woman. I adopted this unfortunate, muscular young man, and I haven’t regretted it for a minute! And for just a few hundred thousand dollars a year, you can support one of these poor, vigorous young bucks, and enjoy all his love, warmth and boundless physical endurance. So, if you’re between the ages of 35 and … whatever …
[ An address is displayed ]
Mary Tyler Moore: … write to Older Sisters of the Young, Post Office Box 52, Beverly Hills, California. Boy, a young body is a terrible thing to waste.
[ fade ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Michael Jackson Public Service Ad
Stagehand…..Tim Kazurinsky
Michael Jackson…..Eddie Murphy
[FADE IN on a shot of Eddie Murphy as Michael Jackson, performing Billie Jean onstage as seen from the wings. He lip-syncs the end of the song for about 10 seconds, and then canned applause takes over, and the man walks almost prissily backstage. A stagehand holds out a towel as Eddie runs in.]
Stagehand: Beautiful, beautiful! Beautiful!
Michael Jackson: [in an effeminate voice] Thank you, thank you! [to camera] Thank you all! Um, Id to talk to you men out there for a moment.
[audience laughs]
Michael Jackson: Not long ago, I wrote a song called Billie Jean, and Im afraid it was misunderstood by everyone. A lot of people thought I actually did get a girl pregnant and then walked out on her. But believe me, nothing could be further from the truth.
[audience roars with laughter]
Michael Jackson: Take it from me, Michael Jackson, fellas. Its beautiful that, to love somebody, and its wonderful, but please dont let it get out of hand. Remember: Nice boys dont get girls pregnant.
[SUPERIMPOSE the last line on the bottom of the screen. Michael smiles coyly for the camera and pats his face dry. FADE OUT.]
Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 14th, 1984
Father Guido Sarducci
Huey Lewis & The News
Steven Wright
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 11
Ronco’s Amazing TV President
President Ronald Reagan…..Joe Piscopo
[ Open on Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office, addressing the nation. ]
President Ronald Reagan: My fellow Americans, as you know, in just a few hours I’m going to announce my candidacy for re-election. I feel that I can proudly take credit for ending inflation and stimulating our nation’s economic recovery. Yes, thanks to our increases in military defense, Americans can now sleep more soundly at night than they could four years ago. What is this new prosperity and peace of mind worth? Don’t answer, because if you vote for me again in 1984, you’ll receive this handsome set of Ginsu steak knives! [ displays a knife set, then uses one of them on a cutting board ] Yes, you’ll be able to slice an onion without shedding a tear, just like I’m doing right now. Or protect yourself against the red menace! [ makes stabbing gestures ] Now, how much would you pay? But wait, there’s more! If you act now, you’ll also receive a brand new land-based missile system! And, this deck of TV Magic cards! [ holds it up ] Now you can amaze your friends and defend your country’s shores at the same time. Yes, you’ll receive all this, the economic recovery, the Ginsu knives, the Magic cards, and the land-based missile system! Thousands sold in Europe already! The amazing TV President, from Ronco! It’s new! It’s exciting! It’s Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 11
Late Night 2nd Anniversary
David Letterman…..Joe Piscopo
Pee-Wee Herman…..Mary Gross
[ Fade in on center stage: David Letterman stands with his gapped-tooth grin ]
David Letterman: Hi folks-ah, my name is-ah, David-ah uh-Letterman-ah … [ applause ] … uhh, no no, uh, no no, it’s-ah, it’s time-ah once again-ah, ladies and-ah gentlemen-ah, for me to promote my second anniversary special coming up a week from tonight in this very time slot, I will show you just how silly and amusing-ah, television-ah really ah-can be-ahh. And here to tell ya about it is the mildly annoying-ah, Pee-Wee Herman-ah.
[ Applause as Pee-Wee emerges, with his trademark laugh and other mannerisms ]
Pee-Wee Herman: Hi, Mr. Letterman! Ha ha! [ Letterman giggles ] Okay, well ahhh, I think your special could be really good, aahhh-I’m gonna bring a whole bunch of toys, li-like, uhh, like this one, this is a little Johnny Carson doll, y’see, [ holds it up ] it, it’s your boss, rrrrgh! Huh hah! Yeah, yeah, like he tells you what to do and he makes a lot more money than you do and all … huh hah! Yeah. N’stuff.
David Letterman: Pee-Wee Herman, ladies and gentlemen-ah. Thank you, Pee-Wee.
Pee-Wee Herman: Yeah, huh hah! [ Exits ]
David Letterman: [ continuing ] Tune in next week for-ah all the neato hijinks on Late Night’s second anniversary special. My-ah, oh my-ah. Good night, folks-ah. [ giggles ]
[ Applause, fade to bumper ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 9: Episode 11
El Dorko
Waitress ….. Mary Gross
Mike Phillips ….. Brad Hall
Rory ….. Gary Kroeger
Becky ….. Julia Louis-Dreyfus
[ Open on Rory and Becky sitting at a table at a restaurant making small talk. The waitress hands them drinks. ]
Rory: … so that time we were wearing an Indian headdress … I tell ya, everybody was crackin’ up …
Waitress: Here’s your Cokes.
Rory: Oh, thank you, ma’am.
Waitress: Sure.
[ She leaves, and the two each take a sip. ]
Rory: I’m sure glad that you came out with me tonight, Becky. God, when you said yes, man, I gotta tell ya, I thought I was gonna die.
Becky: Yeah, well, I’m flattered, Rory. Listen, uh, isn’t that food taking a really long time?
Rory: Oh, that’s just the way this place is. Me and my buddy Stinky, we, we used to come here all the time. Everybody at school — they think me and Stinky are real weird. I guess that’s probably why they call me “El Dorko”.
[ Becky just sits there, not paying much attention to what he has to say. ]
Rory: Lem, let me ask you this, do you, do you like the Bee Gees? ‘Cause I was thinkin’, that if the Bee Gees ever got together with the Ink Spots, heh, they’d be called the Gee/Spots! [chuckles] I think that’s real funny. This one time, me and Stinky, we were out at the shopping mall, and we were talking gibberish to each other, and people thought that we were from another country. [chuckles] God, I tell ya, we got some weird looks from people. We, we’re always crackin’ each other up, me and Stinky.
Becky: Yeah, it sounds fun. [ she’s bored! ]
Rory: You know, I can remember where I was when Bing Crosby died. Yeah, ’cause I remember, I was watching a rerun of Time Tunnel with my brother, and they came on the news with it? God, I tell ya, it really was somethin’, I couldn’t believe it, y’know. It’s, I couldn’t believe it when they cancelled Star Trek either. Do, do you remember what you were doing when they cancelled Star Trek?
Becky: No, I really don’t. Um, listen, Rory, um, I’m not really feeling that well. [ pretends to cough ] So um, I think I’m just gonna go home.
Rory: All right.
[ Mike, a jock, enters and sits next to Becky. ]
Mike: Hey Becky.
Becky: [ face lights up ] Oh — hi Mike!
Mike: How are you doing?
Becky: Okay.
Mike: [ puts his arm around Becky ] Hey, uh, what are you doing here with El Dorko?
Becky: I’ll tell ya later. Oh, El Dork — uh, Rory, um, have you ever met Mike Phillips?
Rory: Oh yeah, sure. He put mayonnaise in my gym shorts once.
Mike: Mr. Dork. Heh. Hey, Becky, what do you say we get out of here, huh? You and me?
Becky: Oh, no, I can’t!
Mike: [ starts putting the moves on her ] There’s a van outside …
Becky: No, stop it, come on, that drives me crazy — come on! That makes me crazy when you —
[ Becky and Mike begin making out. Rory looks dejected. ]
Rory: So, Becky, who’s your favorite Beatle?
[ pause. They continue making out while Rory watches. ]
Rory: Ahem — do you know that I was standing outside the Dakota one month before Lennon was shot? God, I tell ya, when I think of how close I came to being shot with him, I tell ya, I, sometimes I just can’t sleep at night.
[ The waitress comes back with a tray. ]
Waitress: Um, uh, who had the Wrangler Burger Deluxe?
Rory: Oh, that would be mine, ma’am.
Waitress: Okay … [ Rory takes the two platters and sets them on the table. ]
Rory: Thank you.
[ Becky and Mike continue making out ]
Waitress: [ walks up to Rory ] I hope you don’t mind my saying this, but, I think that what your friends are doing is disgusting. I mean, it’s okay, but not here, in public.
Rory: Well, it does make for a rather awkward date.
Waitress: Do you mean she’s your date?
Rory: Well, it’s really okay. It was sort of a sympathy date, anyway. See, her girlfriends, they tied my shoelaces together and de-pantsed me during the fire drill at school. I guess she kinda felt sorry for me.
Waitress: Aww, that’s sad!
Rory: Yeah, sure, it hurts just a little.
Waitress: I think you’re just as nice-looking as that guy … [ points to Mike ]
Rory: Thanks.
Waitress: In fact … [ she takes off Rory’s glasses ] .. you have beautiful eyes.
Rory: Thank you.
Waitress: Oh, I feel so sorry for you.
Rory: Well, I guess I’ll probably just eat by myself.
Waitress: You know what? This is my last table. [ sits next to Rory ] Maybe we could … Oh! …
[ She begins making out with him. Becky stops making out with Mike and notices the two of them. ]
Becky: Hey Rory … Rory, our food’s here. … Rory?
Waitress: He’s MINE, you tramp!!! [ continues making out with him ]
Mike: Becky, c’mon, let’s get out of here, huh?
Becky: No! Mike, I came here with Rory! Just a second! Rory! Excuse me, Rory, our food’s here!
Waitress: [ moaning passionately ] You’re a marvelous kisser …
Becky: Oh, well, let’s just see how good you really are! Come here! [ grabs Rory and begins kissing him ] Oh, you’re exquisite!
Waitress: He’s MINE, you hussy!! [ grabs Rory, kisses him ]
Becky: GET LOST, food jockey!! [ grabs Rory, kisses him ]
Waitress: You can forget it, hairball!! [ snatches Rory ]
Becky: [ snatches Rory ] Give him BACK!! I came here with him … [ more kissing ]
Waitress: [ snatches Rory ] He’s MINE! I got squatter’s rights … [ more kissing ]
[ Becky and Waitress get into a cat-fight ]
Waitress: Who do you think you are, anyway?
Becky: Why don’t you get back to your station!
Waitress: Shut up, you pig!
Becky: … you think you can just cut in?! …
[ Meanwhile Rory sits there nonchalantly ]
Rory: [ to Mike ] Sooner or later I’ll have to choose between the two of them.
Mike: [ impressed ] God, how do you do it?!
Rory: Well Mike, I find that the sympathy approach works best for me. You gotta learn to let people abuse you, if you ever want to score with women.
[ Becky and Waitress continue cat-fighting each other ]
Mike: Gee, I … I guess that’s why they call you Dorko.
Rory: El Dorko.
[ Mike will drink to that! They clink their Coke glasses, and watch while Becky and Waitress continue cat-fighting. Fade to black. ]
Submitted by: G. Gomez
Air Date:Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
January 28th, 1984
Don Rickles
Billy Idol
John Madden
Brandon Tartikoff
Dr. Joyce Brothers
Recurring Characters: President Ronald Reagan.
(Repeat) See: 05/07/83.
Recurring Characters: Worthington Clotman.
Recurring Characters: El Dorko.
Recurring Characters: David Letterman.