Category: 1986

The People’s Court

Doug Llewellen…..Kevin Nealon
Judge Wopner…..Phil Hartman
Vonda Braithwaite…..Rosanna Arquette
Mephistopheles…..Jon Lovitz
Vonda’s Mother…..Jan Hooks
Bailiff…..Andy Murphy

[ open on shot of Vonda Briathwaite and her Mother entering the courtroom and preparing themselves at their bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: This is Vonda Braithwaite, the Plaintiff. She sold her immortal soul to the Devil in exchange for success in her hairdresing business, but now claims that the Devil cheated her. She seeks nullification of the contract, plus damages.

[ image of Vonda and Mother is raised to the top of the screen, as “VONDA BRAITHWAITE PLAINTIFF SUING FOR: Nullification of Contract Plus $1,800” is typed across the bottom of the screen ]

[ cut to Mephistopheles entering the courtroom and preparing himself at his bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: This is Mephistopheles, the Devil. He claims that he did keep his part of the bargain, and that the Plaintiff is simply trying to wuelch out of her legal committment. He seeks the soul, plus court costs.

[ image of Mephitopheles is raised to the top of the screen, as “MEPHISTOPHELES (THE DEVIL) DEFENDANT SUING FOR: Soul Plus Court Costs” is typed across the bottom of the screen ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: The situation you are about to see is real. The people are not actors, they are actual litigants and cases filed in a California municipal court. They have agreed to waive their right to trial and to have their disputes settled in our forum.

[ cut to Doug standing in the outer hallway ]

Doug Llewellen: “The People’s Court”! Hello, I’m Doug Llewellen. In a moment, the case of the Beautician and the Beast. Judge Wopner will enter the courtroom shortly to hear testimony from the two parties.

[ cut to Judge Wopner entering the courtroom and taking his seat at his bench ]

Doug Llewellen V/O: Oh, here he is now.

Judge Wopner: Please be seated. I’ve read your statements. Now, Miss Braithwaite, you are the owner of a business establishment known as the Hair Affair?

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: And, several months ago, the Defendant appeared to you in the form of some kind of large dog?

Vonda Braithwaite: A rottweiler, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: And you agreed to sell your mortal soul in return for success in the hairstyling field, is that correct?

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Mr. Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: Yes, your Honor?

Judge Wopner: [ unrolling scroll ] I have here a copy of the contract. I see that it is written in blood. The language in this document is fairly vague. Now, how exactly did you help Miss Braithwaite’s business?

Mephistopheles: Well, your Honor, in addition to giving her day-to-day advice in the running of a small business – tax planning, and so on – I advanced her nearly $2,700 for new equipment. Now, I have here three cancelled checks – one is for $1,260, one os for $940..

Judge Wopner: May I see those, please?

Mephistopheles: Yes. [ walks forward ]

Judge Wopner: Come on, let’s go, let’s go.

Mephistopheles: This is a receipt from the Anita Barver Supply Co. for three bonnet-style hairdryers. As you can see, they –

Judge Wopner: Yes, yes. I’ll study this. [ takes the receipts ] Miss Braithwaite, is this your signature on this check.

Vonda Braithwaite: Yes, your Honor.

Vonda’s Mother: Your Honor, I would like to say something, if I could, please.

Judge Wopner: Excuse me, are you a relative of the Plaintiff?

Vonda’s Mother: I am her mother.

Judge Wopner: And what is your occupation?

Vonda’s Mother: I am a barfly.

Judge Wopner: And, by that, you mean you loiter in bars waiting for men you don’t know to buy you drinks?

Vonda’s Mother: That is correct, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Proceed.

Vonda’s Mother: Well, I don’t think that Vonda here knew what she was getting into this contract, now. She is only 18 years old, your Honor. 18, going on 8.

Vonda Braithwaite: [ annoyed ] Mother!

Vonda’s Mother: It’s true! Now, I’m telling you, she doesn’t understand words like “immortality” or a “soul” or “eternity”, or any of that business..

Vonda Braithwaite: Mother, I do!

Vonda’s Mother: [ whispering ] Vonda, I’m gonna smack you, honey, you’ve got to hush.

Judge Wopner: Alright. Thank you. I will take that under advisement. Now, Miss Braithwaite, in your deposition you state that, shortly after you started your business and went into agreement with the Devil, your business actually began to lose money. Now, is this your idea of success in business, Mr. Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: [ with a smirk ] Well, your Honor, that was kind of a trick. You see, as I promised Miss Braithwaite, I made her a great hairdresser. Her coifs were magical. Once you got one, you never needed another.

Judge Wopner: So there was no repeat business?

Mephistopheles: Exactly! But it’s more or less customary for me to cheat mortals in this way. By observing only the letter of the agreement. For example, I’ll give someone eternal youth, then have them sentenced to life imprisonment. That sort of thing. It’s pretty standard. I’m the Devil!

Judge Wopner: Now, according to Miss Braithwaite’s deposition, shortly after she filed the lawsuit, you began to harass her. Is that correct?

Mephistopheles: Your Honor, that is totally ridiculous.

Vonda Braithwaite: [ enraged ] What about coming to my house in the form of a black cat!

Mephistopheles: That was probably a black cat.

Vonda’s Mother: Well, what about throwing all that garbage into our yard! What was that!

Mephistopheles: I did not put garbage into your yard!

Vonda Braithwaite: Who hit my car in the parking lot, it didn’t dent by itself!

Mephistopheles: Now, you listen to me, I’m Mephistopheles, Prince of Darkness! When I start harassing you, you’ll know it!

Vonda’s Mother: I’ll tell you, if I find any more garbage in my yard, I’m gonna..

Mephistopheles: Shut up!! Shut up!!

Judge Wopner: [ banging gavel ] Mr. Mephistopheles, I’m warning you! You may hold dominion over the nether regions, but I run this court! Is that clear!

Mephistopheles: [ steamed ] Yes, your Honor.

Judge Wopner: Now, if the parties have calmed down, I’m ready with my decision. It’s clear that there was a contract between the two parties. What is not clear is the extent to which the Defendent kept his part of the bargain..

Mephistopheles: Your Honor, it’s clear that..

Judge Wopner: [ angry ] Mr. Mephistopheles, please! [ calmed down ] But, in view of the Plaintiff’s age, and the fact that she obviously did not understand what she was getting into, this court must fine for Miss Braithwaite.

[ Vonda and her mother scream joyously ]

Judge Wopner: The Defendant is hereby ordered to pay damages, and also to maintain a minimum distance of 500 yards between himself and the Plaintiff at all times.

[ show split-screen of Vonda and Mephitopheles at their tables, she happy, he fuming. SUPER: “JUDGMENT: PLAINTIFF” ]

Doug Llewellen: So Judge Wopner fines for the Plaintiff, Vonda Braithwaite. Let’s get a reaction. [ Vonda and her mother exit the courtroom ] Vonda, what have you learned from all of this? Will you ever sell your soul to the Devil again?

Vonda Braithwaite: [ thinking ] Well.. only for something really good, like eternal youth, or a really nice car.

Doug Llewellen: And, Mrs. Braithwaite, if I may say so, you look awfully young to be Vonda’s mother.

Vonda’s Mother: Well.. I’m 33, but that’s very nice of you to say.

[ they turn away as Mephistopheles exits the courtroom ]

Doug Llewellen: And let’s get a reaction from the Devil! Mephistopheles, any comment? Mephistopheles?

Mephistopheles: Leave me alone! [ apologetic ] I’m sorry. It’s not you, Doug. It’s just that I’m out $2,700 that I’ll probably never see again, plus I have to pay damages. What am I gonna do with three Bonnet hairdryers? Mark my word, the wench will be mine!

Doug Llewellen: Next time, you’ll get it in writing?

Mephistopheles: I had it in writing. [ stares hypnotically at the camera ] You, watching this at home, worship me! I command you! Become my willing thralls and live eternally!

Doug Llewellen: That’s all for this edition of “The People’s Court”.

Mephistopheles: Know the sweet, sublime feeling of complete obediance to your Evil Master! Come serve me, the Prince of Darkness, I command it! Hear me!

Bailiff: Come on, let’s go! Come on!

Mephistopheles: Wait, wait just a second.. Obey me! Obey me! [ laughs evilly ]

Doug Llewellen: Remember..

[ Mephistopheles continues to laugh evilly, as the Bailiff pulls him offscreen, but he jumps in for one more onscreen bout of laughter before being pulled away for good ]

Doug Llewellen: Remember, if someone cheats you in a business dealing, and you feel you’re being intimidated, don’t take the law into your own hands. You take them to court.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Helmsley Spook House

Man…..Phil Hartman
Leona Helmsley…..Nora Dunn

Man: Honestly. Why can’t someone invent a spook house that doesn’t insult my intelligence?

Leona Helmsley: Someone has! Hello, I’m Leona Helmsley, welcoming you to the Helmsley Spook House, located atop the Helmsley Hotel in midtown Manhatten. From the moment you arrive, we pamper like no other spook house has ever pampered you.

Right away you’ll notice the little things, things like real skeletons – never plastic. Live rats. Real cow eyes. We could have skimped and used peeled grapes, but our customers would have known the difference – I know I would. And, walls that drip real human blood. I wouldn’t be frightened by animal blood, why should you be?

[ Leona’s staff chases after a couple, stopping only when she claps her hands ]

And then there’s our staff. Courteous, efficient, and fluent in several languages. Unlike the lazy clock-watchers you’ll find at cut-rate spook houses.

Now, granted, an evening at the Helmsley Spook is not inexpensive – but then, the best seldom is.

Announcer: The Helmsley Spook House. For reservations call 1-800-SCARE-ME. Children under 18 not admitted.

Leona Helmsley: I’ll be seeing you – in your nightmares! [ cackles ]

SNL Transcripts

“I Saw God”

Daughter…..Rosanna Arquette
Dad…..Phil Hartman

[ open on interior, diner, Daughter sitting with Dad at table in back ]

Daughter: I know, I know..

Dad: Your mother’s been worried sick for two weeks.

Daughter: Dad, I gotta do this. You’ll see, I’m gonna be on M-TV!

Dad: You can do anything you want. Just call your mother, okay?

Daughter: Okay.

Dad: I love you, baby.

Daughter: Me, too, Daddy.

[ Daddy exits diner ]

[ music pots up ]

Daughter: [ crawls onto table and sings ]
“I was sitting in a coffee shop
staring at the metropolis on the wall.
I hard a voice call out to me
it wasn’t the waiter’s call.

I saw God!
He told me to say what I really feel.
I saw God!
He told me to say what I really mean.
To cut my hair and dye it green.
I saw God!

I was trying to think what to think
so I closed my eyes trying to search my soul.
Muzak was playing the the Rolling Stones
I want to be in rock and roll

I saw God!
He told me to say what I really mean.
I spoke to God!
He told me to feel what I really felt.
He told me to order the tuna melt.
I saw God!
I saw God!

I was touched by God
He told me art is everything.
Art is everywhere
In the cigarette, in the ash tray
and in the words we say.

I saw God!
I saw God!
I saw God!

He said, “I love you, my child.”
I spoke to God.
He said, “My child, do as I say
Release your single on RCA.”
I saw God!
I saw God!”

SNL Transcripts

Make Joan Baez Laugh

Bill Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Joan Baez…..Nora Dunn
Howie Mandel…..Jon Lovitz

Announcer: It’s time to play America’s most challenging show: “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! With our host, Big Bill Franklin!

Bill Franklin: Thank you, Don Pardo! Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to “Make Joan Baez Laugh”! Before I bring out Joanie – Joan – Miss Baez – Ms. Baez! Whoo! I’d like to point out that tonight is sort of a milestone for us. We’re beginning our 9th season, which makes us the longest-running game show in television history! Thank you! We’ve had over 2,000 amateur and professional comedians on the show trying to make Joan Baez laugh, and so far no one’s succeeded. Let’s see what our jackpot is up to!

Announcer: Bill, it’s $2,560,000!

Bill Franklin: Yeah! Over $2.5 million! She’s incredible, sin’t she? Well, let’s bring her out now, the star of our show, Ms. Joan Baez!

[ Joan Baez walks out sad-faced with her guitar in tow ]

Joan Baez: [ singing ]
“Why Chernobyl?
Why, why, why why?
Why George Gobol?
Why, why, why why?
Why the bombs in Paris?
Why, why, why why?
Why did Jean Harris kill that guy?
Why, pourque, why?”

Bill Franklin: Oh, boy! Joan, how do you do it? Nine years without evrn cracking a smile?

Joan Baez: How can anyone laugh, Bill, when there’s so much suffering in the world? THe United States is the wealthiest nation on Earth, and yet we still have millions of children who go to bed hungry.

Bill Franklin: Mmm.. yeah, it reminds me of that joke – A bum walks up to a guy, and he says, “I haven’t eaten in three weeks.” And the guy says, “You should force yourself!” [ laughs ] Anyway. I hate that joke. I was sure that guy on last night was going to get to you, though. He did over twenty minutes of scathing material on Ronald Reagan, whoo!

Joan Baez: I don’t think there’s anything funny about Ronald Reagan. He is responsible for the escalating arms race, and for enslaving our Latino brothers and sisters.

Bill Franklin: Yeah. Exactly. [ rolls eyes ] Hey, you know, there’s something I’ve been wanting to do for years! [ tickles Joan’s arms ] Coochie-coochie-coochie-coo! Anyway.. we have six terrific young comics waiting to try their luck!

Joan Baez: Well, I’m not really in the mood, because I have a terrific headache.

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa, great, she has a headache! She hasn’t giggled in nie years, and tonight she has a headache. Talk about your impossible dream, huh? Well, Joan, take your throne! [ Joan takes her seat on the set ] Can we get a couple of aspirin and a glass of water for Joan? [ aspirin and water is brought forth ] Now, let’s meet our first lamb for the slaughter. You know him from “St. Elsewhere” and numerous HBO specials. Let’s bring him out now, he’s crazy, he’s unpredictable, he’s wacky! The one and only Howie Mandel! Come on, Howie!

[ Howie enters wearing a rubber glove-shaped bag around his body ]

Howie Mandel: What! What! Oo-ooh! Oo-ooh! What! What! Okay, what! What! What’s your name! What’s your name! What’s your name! Okay, I asked you three times, What’s your name!

Joan Baez: [ angry ] Joan!

Howie Mandel: Joan! Okay! Hey, Joan, you ever seen this! Oo-ooh! [ pulls rubber glove over his head and inflates the fingers with his nose ]

[ unable to control the urge, Joan does a spit-take and finally laughs ]

Bill Franklin: Whoa-oa-oa-oa!! We have a winner!! Congratulations! Oh, I swear, I was gonna try that rubber glove thing four years ago, I didn’t think it had a chance! Aw! Here’s your check, Howie Mandel! Join us next week, when we begin our new series: “Make Joey Hetherton Eat”! Thanks a lot, everybody!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Rosanna Arquette’s Monologue

…..Rosanna Arquette

Rosanna Arquette: Wow! How about those Mets!

God, you never know how you’re gonna feel ’til you’re actually out here. And I’m pretty nervous. But I’m glad I’m doing the show, because it’s two weeks before the elections, and I wanted to, you know, do some political humor. Unfortunately, the network won’t let me mention any names, and I can’t even say which party I’m for, because of the equal-time thing. But.. someone we know.. has been really ruining this country. And I can’t say what office he holds, because.. well, I just can’t. But it’s very high up! And he’s been spending all our money on these things.. but I can’t say what they are.. but.. [ makes explosion sound effect ] Get the picture?

Anyway, we’re gonna have a great show tonight, Ric Ocasek’s here, and have a good time!

SNL Transcripts

Neck With Producer

…..Rosanna Arquette
…..Jan Hooks
Tommy Flanagan…..Jon Lovitz
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on interior, Rosanna Arquette’s dressing room, as a knock is heard at the door ]

Rosanna Arquette: Come in!

Jan Hooks: [ enters ] Hey, Rosanna!

Rosanna Arquette: Hey, Jan!

[ they hug ]

Jan Hooks: How you doing? [ notices Rosanna is dressed in satin lingerie ] Oh, gosh, wow.. where’d you gwet that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: Oh, it’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch.

Jan Hooks: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? I don’t remember that at rehearsal..

Rosanna Arquette: Well, yeah.. Lorne Michaels just added it.

Jan Hooks: [ surprised ] Lorne?! You talked to Lorne?

Rosanna Arquette: Of course. We rehearsed the scene for an hour-and-a-half.

Jan Hooks: I can’t believe it! He’s usually so aloof!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director: Three minutes to air.

Jan Hooks: Good luck! [ hugs Rosanne and exits ]

Rosanna Arquette: [ practices her lines ] “Oh, Lorne! Kiss me, you fancy dresser, it makes me dizzy.” [ a knock at the door ] Who is it?

Tommy Flanagan V/O: It’s me, Lorne Michaels!

Rosanna Arquette: Come in.

Tommy Flanagan: Hello!

Rosanna Arquette: Hi, Lorne!

Tommy Flanagan: Are you ready to rehearse?

Rosanna Arquette: Yeah, I am. But, um.. I don’t get this scene, you know? I say one line, and then we kiss for five minutes? I just don’t get the joke.

Tommy Flanagan: Oh. Well, you see.. it’s conceptual. A political statement. Yeah, that’s what it is, a plea for the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: We don’t even mention the homeless.

Tommy Flanagan: Well, we don’t want to be too preachy! Yeah, see, it’s subtext. Its a hidden message. You have to read between the lines.

Rosanna Arquette: But I only have one line!

Tommy Flanagan: Exactly! The rest are hidden! Yeah.

Rosanna Arquette: [ nervous ] I don’t know.. I can’t beleive you’re a producer! [ giggles ]

Tommy Flanagan: Oh, yeah? Well, listen to this – “There’s no money, but it’s great exposure!”

Rosanna Arquette: [ shakes head ] You’re a producer.

Tommy Flanagan: Yeah! A big-time television producer! In fact, I was one of the first. Yeah, that’s what I was! Why, uh.. you know Captain Kangaroo? I recruited him! Yeah.. I never expected him to make Captain, though. No, I always thought it would be Greenjeans. Yeah, I know ’em all! Why, I knew Ernie Kovacs before he was ahead of his time! Yeah! Remember “You Are There”? I was there! Yeah! Why, I even knew Flicka when he had no friends!

[ a knock at the door ]

Director’s Voice: One minute to air, everybody!

Lorne Michaels: [ enters ] Hi. You’d better get ready for the show.

Rosanna Arquette: Who are you?

Lorne Michaels: I’m Lorne Michaels.

Rosanna Arquette: [ confused, turns to Tommy ] Well, who are you?

Tommy Flanagan: I’m.. I’m Lorne Michaels. [ pause ] Okay, I’m not Lorne Michaels, I’m lying! I’m a pathological liar, yeah, that’s the ticket, yeah. [ into his hand ] Paging Mr. Michaels, paging Mr. Lorne Michaels! [ lowers hand, looks into the hall ] Uh, what? Yeah, I’ll be there in a second! Oh, and I just paged myself, too! Yeah, that’s what I did! [ turns to Lorne as he exits the room ] So long, sonny!

Rosanna Arquette: Who was that guy?

Lorne Michaels: You’d better get ready for the show. What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] The “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready.. this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

Newsreel

…..Ron Darling

[ SUPER: “October 25th, 1986” ]

Announcer: October 25th, 1986. The New York Mets, one strike away from elimination in the World Series, stage a miracle comeback in the 10th inning. This thrilling spectacle is quickly overshadowed by an event of historic significance – the resulting pre-emption of “Saturday Night Live”. For the first time in its 11-year history, the show is taped for later viewing.

[ newspaper headlines spin across the screen ]

[ cut to Ron Darling giving a press conference ]

Ron Darling: When we found out that “Saturday Night Live” had been pre-empted, the mood in the locker room dropped quicker than a Roger McDowell sinker ball. Sure, we tried to keep up a front, pretending to be happy after we won the Series, but all we could think about were those disappointed “Saturday Night Live” fans. Even the ticker-tape parade seemed like a hollow charade. So, on behalf of all the Mets, I would like to make a public apology. We didn’t mean to do it, it’s just that when you’re playing in the World Series, sometimes you get all wrapped up in it, and, well.. you forget about what’s really important. Believe me, I’d gladly give back my World Series ring if it’d bring the show back live, but it won’t, so I’m keeping it.

Announcer: Now, NBC is proud to present this historic show, a window on the times we lived in. Back when the Mets hadn’t won a Series since 1969. Back when the Republicans controlled the Senate. Back when Halloween was still days away. Recorded between 1:30 and 3:00 AM on that fateful morning, October 26th, 1986, this is the way it was!

SNL Transcripts

Pork Ad I

Athlete…..Kevin Nealon

[ SUPER: “The Challenge” ]

[ show Athlete pole vault ]

Athlete V/O: I spent eight years preparing for the next fifteen seconds. Tuning myself to run like a fine machine. Striving for excellence. I could have had anything for lunch. I chose pork. Because my body can handle it.

[ dissolve to image of cooked pig sitting on the table ]

[ SUPER: “Pork” ]

Announcer: Pork. Eat it while you still can.

A message from the American Pork Lobby.

SNL Transcripts

Pork Ad II

Athlete…..Kevin Nealon

[ open on people exercising their bodies relentlessly ]

You expect a lot from your body, and you’re willing to sweat to get it.

You’re the kind of person who drives yourself to the limit, but sometimes you ask yourself, “What’s it all for?”

Well, now there’s a reason to stay in shape.

[ SUPER: “Pork” ]

Pork.

[ cut to testimonial from Woman ]

Woman: It’s for you, because your heart can take it!

[ dissolve to image of cooked pig sitting on the table ]

Announcer: Pork. Think of it as a reward.

A message from the American Pork Lobby.

SNL Transcripts

Sammies

Sammy #1…..Dana Carvey
Sammy #2…..Kevin Nealon
Edward…..Phil Hartman
Karen…..Nora Dunn

[ open on interior, Sammy #2’s basement, as the two Sammies watch the World Series on TV ]

Sammy #1: Aw.. great, great, great game tonight, Sammy!

Sammy #2: Aw, it’s been a great Series, Sammy! Hey, we gonna walk away with some points on this one?

Sammy #1: Aw, now that you mention it, we won a coupla sawbucks!

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Awww, beautiful!! Haha!

Sammy #2: You know, I tell ya, I love it when Clemens is on the hill throwing..

Sammy #1: Hey, there ain’t nothin’ like it! Hey, hey, Sammy? Can I get a little of that Dim Sum Squat from you?

Sammy #2: What are you saying, you want some Dim Sum Squat?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful, beautiful!

Sammy #1: Aww… [ Sammy #2 throws his empty beer an into the trash ] Hey, you want me to get you another cold one, you want that I should get you another cold one?

Sammy #2: Hey, I gotta take a breather, Sammy.. you know, I been guzzling since the third inning. Besides.. I gotta work off some of these LB’s. Aw… aw.. who am I kiddin’? I’ll have another cold one!

Sammy #1: Aw, atta guy! Atta guy! [ gets the beer ]

Sammy #2: But I’ll tell ya, Sammy, I’m gonna start workin’ this off! I’m gonna lose it all, it’s comin’ off!

Sammy #1: What, this?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful!

Sammy #2: Hey! I’m gonna do runnin’ every day, I’m gonna swim, I’m gonna do 100 sit-ups a day, I’m gonna run.. aww, who am I kiddin’? That’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #1: [ laughs ] Here ya go! [ hands Sammy #2 his beer ]

Sammy #2: I’ll tell ya, one more of these, Sammy, and I’m gonna have to cop a squirt!

Sammy #1: I know how that feels! You know what I’m gonna do next summer, Sammy?

Sammy #2: What are ya gonna do?

Sammy #1: I’m gonna get a place of my own!

Sammy #2: Hey, you could sleep on the couch.

Sammy #1: No, no, no! I’m movin’ out to the woods, I’m gonna build myself a nice cabin.

Sammy #2: Square beds?

Sammy #1: What’d I say?

Sammy #2: Beautiful!

Sammy #1: A-frame! Nice! Sleeps a couple people, indoor plumbing, with a nice deck! Aww.. who am I kiddin’? There’s another thing I’m never gonna do, right!

Sammy #2: [ holds up a newspaper ] Hey, look at this, Sammy! Riverside Cafe is having Free Beer Night next Tuesday, the 28th!

Sammy #1: Aw…

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Sammy #2’s sister Karen walks downstairs with her boyfriend Edward ]

Karen: I don’t know why this is so important to you..

Edward: It’ll just take a minute, honey.

Karen: ] to Sammy #2 ] Edward insisted that he meet my brother. Edward, this is my brother Sammy.

Sammy #2: Hey, what do you say, Eddie?

Sammy #1: Hey, Eddie!

Edward: Hello! [ shakes Sammy #2’s hand ]

Karen: Okay, you met my brother.. you can go now..

Sammy #2: Wait a minute.. this is my good buddy Sammy right here!

Edward: Oh? Well, it’s a pleasure meeting you, gentlemen.. Sorry! Did you say your name is Sammy, too?

Karen: Yeah, they’re both Sammies..

Sammy #1: That’s right!

Sammy #2: What are the odds!

Sammy #1: Hey, have a seat, Eddie! What do you think about the Series? A crowd pleaser, eh?

Sammy #2: Let me grab a cold one for ya, Eddie! [ runs to the fridge ]

Karen: Sammy, it’s really getting late..

Edward: That’s alright, honey. We have a minute. [ sits ]

Sammy #2: Hey, who ever thought the Mets would turn it around, huh?

Karen: Sammy, Edward doesn’t spend his whole life in front of the TV any more, like some people I know.

Sammy #2: Aw, that’s too bad.

Edward: Well.. it’s not that. It’s just that I’m.. really very busy right now.

Karen: Yes. Edward has plans for his future.

Sammy #1: Oh, yeah? What have you got up your sleeve, Eddie?

Edward: Well.. I’m planning on opening a chain of clothing stores this winter.

Sammy #2: Aww, who are you kiddin’! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right? [ laughs ]

Edward: No, no.. I’ve already, uh..

Karen: Edward, we really have to be going..

Sammy #2: Hey, Eddie, get a load of the stats on Gary Carter! Not a bad season, considering a .189 batting average in the Series! Know what I mean?

Sammy #1: Here, have a cold one, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. no, no, no.. Thank you. I’ve gotta be clear-headed for tomorrow.

Sammy #2: Oh, yeah? What’s your game for tomorrow?

Edward: I beg your pardon?

Karen: He means, what are you doing tomorrow?

Edward: Oh! Well.. I was planning on flying to the West Coast to meet with some potential investors..

Sammy #1: Awww, who are you kiddin’, Eddie! That’s another thing you’re never gonna do, right! Hahaha!

Karen: [ pulls Edwarr ] It’s getting late.. you gotta get some sleep..

Edward: No, no! I’m going! I’ve already made the plane reservations, I’m gonna go!

Karen: Edward, come on, let’s go, honey..

Edward: I’ve already, you know, reserved a room at the Ramada Inn!

Karen: Honey, never mind them..

[ they exit upstairs ]

Sammy #1: Aw, too bad Eddie couldn’t stick around!

Sammy #2: Yeah, he’s good people! Look, I’m gonna have some more of that Dim Sum Squat over there..

Sammy #1: You square biz?

Sammy #2: What’d I say?

Sammy #1: Beautiful! Haha! Hey, Sammy! What is today, anyway?

Sammy #2: Today’s the 25th.

Sammy #1: [ looks in paper ] Aww, I don’t believe it! 15 minutes, tape-delay game, Auburn at Mississippi State!

Sammy #2: Ohhh..

Sammies: [ lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ] Beautiful!! Haha!

[ Edwards returns downstairs ]

Edward: Hi, guys!

Sammy #2: Hey! Whattaya say, Eddie!

Edward: Uh.. Karen went to sleep, I thought I might stick around and have a cold one with you guys!

Sammy #2: Well, have a seat, have a seat!

Sammy #1: Come on!

Edward: How about that game tonight – was that a killer!

Sammy #1: Yeah!

Sammy #2: Yeah! Have a cold one!

Edward: Oh, thanks a lot! You know, I.. I really like your sister. I think I might marry her someday. [ pause ] Awww, who am I kiddin’!

Edward & The Sammies: That’s ANOTHER thing you’re never gonna do!![ they all lean back, throw their legs in the air and mime bicycling ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts