Customer #1…..Jan Hooks Paul McElroy…..Jim Downey Customer #2…..Kevin Nealon
[ SUPER: “When you do only one thing, you do it better” ]
Customer #1: I needed to take the bus, but all I had was a five-dollar bill. I stopped by First Citiwide, and they were able to give me four singles and four quarters.
[ SUPER: “At First Citiwide Change Bank, We just make change” ]
Paul McElroy: We will work with the customer to give that customer the change that he or she needs. If you come to us with a twenty-dollar bill, we can give you two tens, we can give you four fives – we can give you a ten and two fives. We will work with you.
Customer #2: I went to my First Citiwide branch to change a fifty. I guess I was in kind of a hurry, and I asked for a twenty, a ten, and two fives. Their computers picked up my mistake right away, and I got the correct change.
[ SUPER: “Correct Change” ]
Paul McElroy: We have been in this business a long time. With our experience, we’re gonna have ideas for change combinations that probably haven’t occurred to you. If you have a fifty-dollar bill, we can give you fifty singles. [ SUPER: “We can give you fifty singles” ] We can give you forty-nine singles and ten dimes. We can give you twenty-five twos. Come talk to us. [ SUPER: “We can give you twenty-five twos” ] We are not going to give you change that you don’t want. If you come to us with a hundred-dollar bill, we’re not going to give you two-thousand nickels.. [ SUPER: “We’re not going to give you two thousand nickels” ] – unless that meets your particular change needs. We will give you.. the change.. equal to.. the amount of money.. that you want change for!
[ SUPER: “At First Citiwide Change Bank, Our business is making change” ]
Paul McElroy…..Jim Downey Customer #3…..Nora Dunn Customer #4…..Phil Hartman
Paul McElroy: A lot of people don’t realize that change is a two-way street. You can come in with sixteen quarters, eight dimes, and four nickels – we can give you a five-dollar bill. Or we can give you five singles. Or two singles, eight quarters, and ten dimes. You’d be amazed at the variety of the options you have.
Customer #3: I was driving through Pennsylvania on the tollway, and to save time I was using the exact-change lanes. I had just run out of quarters, and I was getting a bit nervous when I spotted a sign for a Citiwide branch at the next exit. Let me tell you, it was a pretty good feeling.
Paul McElroy: I have had people come in with wrinkled ten-dollar bills to exchange for new crisp bills to put in birthday cards. We can handle special requests like that, usually in the same day.
Customer #4: I’d just returned from a business trip to London, and all the cash I had was a five-pound note. Citiwide wasn’t able to convert it to dollars, but they did give me four guineas, two crowns, four shillings, and ten pence.
Paul McElroy: All the time, our customers ask us, “How do you make money doing this?” The answer is simple: Volume. That’s what we do.
Peter Jennings…..Tom Hanks Diane Sawyer…..Jan Hooks Sam Donaldson…..Kevin Nealon Michaek Dukakis…..Jon Lovitz George Bush…..Dana Carvey David Brinkley…..Phil Hartman Dan Quayle…..Jeff Renaudo Marilyn Quayle…..Nora Dunn
Peter Jennings: Good evening. I’m Peter Jennings, in Los Angeles awaiting the start of the second and final presidential debate between Michael Dukakis and George Bush. As you may know, the League of Women Voters withdrew their sponsorship of this debate, citing unreasonable demands by both candidates. In fact, one of the conditions of the Bush camp requires us to tell you what’s on other channels. On HBO is “The Sensuous Nurse”, starring Ursula Andress and Udo Kier; on Showtime, “The Making of ‘Who Framed Roger Rabbit?'”, an entertaining look at this summer’s blockbuster hit; and on ESPN, a repeat of the LSU-Georgia Tech Southeast Conference showdown. And the Democrats have asked us to announce that C-Span will be rerunning the Bentsen-Quayle debate at 4 a.m. Eastern time. Well, this debate is about to start, so let’s go to the moderator – Diane Sawyer.
Diane Sawyer: Good evening, I’m Diane Sawyer of “60 Minutes”. Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice-President George Bush and Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis. Gentlemen.
[ Bush and Dukakis enter the arena, the taller Bush immediately patting an angry Dukakis on the head. Bush stands behind his podium. Dukakis, too short for his podium, raises himself via a hidden scissorlift – now, up too high, he lowers himself to an optimum height. ]
Diane Sawyer: Our panel of questioners are Elizabeth Dowd of theCleveland Plain Dealer, Sam Donaldson of “ABC News”, and syndicated columnist Carl Rowen. The first question goes to Governor Dukakis, and will be asked by Elizabeth Dowd.
Sam Donaldson: [ waving frantically ] Governor Dukakis!! Governor Dukakis!!
Michael Dukakis: Sam.
Sam Donaldson: Your leadership style has been described as technotronic, cool, emotionally dead. Even your closest admirers admit that sometimes you are distant and aloof, a bit of a cold fish. Pundits are saying that one of the reasons you trail in the polls is that you are uninspiring, and seem totally devoid of passion.
Michael Dukakis: What’s the question?
Sam Donaldson: Well, I suppose the question, Governor, is do you have the passion necessary to lead this country?
Michael Dukakis: [ unemotional ] Sam, that kind of asperation to my character, quite frankly, makes me – well, there’s no other word for it – enraged. Maybe I shouldn’t say that in the heat of the moment, but I can’t control myself. I apologize for flying off the handle. And I’m just sorry my kids had to see me like this.
Diane Sawyer: Mr. Bush. Rebuttal?
Sam Donaldson: [ interrupting ] Mr. Vice-President!! Mr. Vice-President!!
George Bush: Sam.
Sam Donaldson: Do you really think SDI, or Star Wars, will work? Do you really think it’s possible to create a shield that would prevent any or all nuclear missles from striking the United States?
George Bush: I’m glad you asked me that, Sam.. because tonight I can reveal something that’s just been declassified. The key to SDI, to the whole concept, is a Time Machine. It’s a beautiful idea. Let’s say the Soviets launch a surprise attack, and a few of their missiles do get through our floating network of particle beam lasers. Then we use the Time Machine. We go back in time, before the surprise attack. It’s defensive, it’s clean, and it’ll save our kids in the event of a Russian first strike. Now, who could be against that?
Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis?
Michael Dukakis: Well, if such a Time Machine were possible, I’dlike the vice-president to explain why we haven’t been visited already by time travelers from the future. You can’t tell me that responsible members of a future government of the United States wouldn’t, with access to a Time Machine, come back to reverse some of the mistakes – cockamamie mistakes – made by this administration. Of course they would! This idea is ridiculous! Spending billions and billions on a Time Machine whose very existence defies logic is, in my mind, lunacy.
George Bush: Well, Mr. Massachusettes, Harvard Yard Braniac. You may prove to yourself that it’s impossible, but I think I’m like most Americans who’d rather see a Time Machine with an American flag on the side, and not a hammer and sickle.
[ the audience applauds ]
Diane Sawyer: Please, as I warned you before, hold down your reaction. It will only come out of your candidate’s.. [ a tub of popcorn is thrown at her – she holds back her tears ] That was uncalled for. Next.. Sam Donaldson, with a question for Governor Dukakis.
Sam Donaldson: Vice-President Bush, there are millions of homeless in this country – children who go hungry, and lacking in other basic necessities. How would the Bush administration achieve your stated goal of making this a kinder, gentler nation?
George Bush: Well, that is a big problem, Sam, and unfortunately the format of these debates makes it hard to give you a complete answer. If I had more time, I could spell out the program in greater detail, but I’m afraid, in a short answer like this, all I can say is we’re on track – we can do more – but we’re getting the job done, so let’s stay on course, a thousand points of light. Well, unfortunately, I guess my time is up.
Diane Sawyer: Mr. Vice-President, you still have a minute-twenty.
George Bush: What? That can’t be right. I must have spoken for at least two minutes.
Diane Sawyer: No, just forty seconds, Mr. Vice-President.
George Bush: Really? Well, if I didn’t use the time then, I must have just used the time now, talking about it.
Diane Sawyer: No, no, Mr. Vice-President, it’s not being countedagainst you.
George Bush: Well, I just don’t want it to count against Governor Dukakis’ time.
Diane Sawyer: It won’t. It will come out of the post-debatecommentary.
George Bush: Do you think that’s a good idea?
Diane Sawyer: You still have a minute-twenty, Mr. Vice-President.
George Bush: Well, more has to be done, sure. But the programs we have in place are doing the job, so let’s keep on track and stay the course.
Diane Sawyer: You have fifty seconds left, Mr. Vice-President.
George Bush: Let me sum up. On track, stay the course. Thousand points of light.
Diane Sawyer: Governor Dukakis. Rebuttal?
Michael Dukakis: I can’t believe I’m losing to this guy!
Diane Sawyer: And now, Carl Rowen, with a question for Vice-President Bush.
Sam Donaldson: [ interrupting ] Mr. Vice-President!! Mr. Vice-President!!
George Bush: Sam.
Sam Donaldson: Mr. Vice-President, wouldn’t you agree that a lot of people, after watching Dan Quayle’s performance last Wednesday, are, quite frankly, worried about his ability to step into the job of president should something, God forbid, happen to you?
George Bush: Sam, let me answer that question this way: I’m inperfect health. I job everyday. Pulse rate 43. Ticker’s fine. I pledge that I will spend more money than any president ever has on Secret Service protection. And I will go down in history as the president in the bulletproof bubble. Guys? [ a glass bubbled is lowered around Bush ] Carl Rowan, would you do the honors? [ Carl Rowan holds gun before Bush’s glass bubble ] Go ahead, aim at my heart, Carl.. [ Carl fires bullets at Bush, but the only ricochet – eventually the glass bubble is lifted back up ] So you see, there’s nothing to worry about.
Diane Sawyer: Gentlemen, let’s go to your closing statements.Governor Dukakis, you’re first.
Michael Dukakis: I am the son of Greek immigrants. My parents were little people – little swarthy people. So I understand the American dream. Yo comprende el dremo des Estados Unidos. [ repeats the phrase in Greek, French and Hebrew ] The question you have to ask yourself on November 8th is whose judgment you trust. Do you trust the judgment of a man who traded arms to the Ayatollah and used that money to fund an illegal war in Central America? Or do you trust a son of a Greek immigrant who can think and talk in complete sentences? I think the choice is obvious.
Diane Sawyer: Vice-President Bush?
George Bush: Well, let me answer some of that. First of all, I didn’t know that the money from the Iran arms sales was going to contras. I was told the money was going for the bombling of abortion clinics. Now, this election is about the future. Yes, we want change. But we are the change! Do we want to go back to the malaise days of Jimmy Carter? I don’t think so. So, once again, stay the course; we’re on track. A thousand points of light. Thank you very much.
Diane Sawyer: And thank you, gentlemen, for sharing this debate with the American public. I’m Diane Sawyer, saying goodnight.
Peter Jennings: Well, this concludes our debate, and with me is my colleague, David Brinkley, a veteran in many such debates. David what were your impressions?
David Brinkley: Well, what we saw were two men doing everything they could to avoid saying what they would do if elected. Because they know if they did, we wouldn’t elect them. But that’s nothing new, of course, Peter. Every president from Washington to Ronald Reagan has been either a liar or a fool, and usually both!
Peter Jennings: Well, David, throughout your career, you’ve been known for your cynicism, but certainly you haven’t lost that much faith in the presidency.
David Brinkley: Well, Peter, as I get older, I find I’ve lost faith in a good many things – country, family, religion, the love of a man for a woman.. I’ve reached a point where it’s struggle to get up in the morning, to continue to plow to a dreary, nasty, brutal life.. of terrible desperation.. at the end of which we’re all just food for maggots!
Peter Jennings: Food for maggots, indeed. Well, thank you, David. We have someone with us who will undoubtedly have a more upbeat interpretation of tonight’s debate – George Bush’s running mate, Senator Dan Quayle. Senator? [ little boy in a suit walks up ] Senator, just how did George Bush do tonight?
Dan Quayle: Oh, he was great! I’m really proud to be his running mate! He waxs just great! He was real presidential! He’s going to be a great president, and I’ll be the vice-president! It’s going to be great! So let’s go get ’em!
Peter Jennings: I’m sure it will be great, Senator. I’d like to ask you a question about last Wednesday’s debate. Why did you have so much trouble answering the questions about what you would do inthe event that you became president?
Dan Quayle: [ stumped ] Gee, uh.. yeah, sure..
Mrs. Quayle: [ jumps in and pulls Dan away ] Come on, honey, let’s go.
Dan Quayle: My wife!
Peter Jennings: The Senator and Mrs. Dan Quayle. Well, on that note, I think it’s time for us to go. For David Brinkley, I’m Peter Jennings. Thanks for joining us.
Girl Watcher #1: A girl I’ve never even spoken to.
Girl Watcher #2: She’s a practicing lawyer, and we’re still living at home.
Girl Watcher #1: I don’t like our chances.
Girl Watcher #2: [ as she walks past ] It’s been a while.. [ she keeps walking ] ..and it’ll be a while.
Girl Watcher #1: Our bodies are starting to deteriorate, and it’s only going to get worse.
Girl Watcher #2: Down we go!
[ they low-five ]
Andy: [ walking up, with a woman by his side ] Hey, fellas.
Girl Watcher #2: Hey, Andy!
Girl Watcher #1: Andy!
Girl Watcher #2: Where’d you get the girl?
Andy: Whoa, down, gentlemen! No cause for celebration. In addition to her bad looks, she’s hard of hearing, emotionally unstable, and not the clean one.
Girl Watcher #1: Does she have a sister?
Andy: Trust me, fellas, there’s no reason for envy.
Girl Watcher #2: No matter. You’re still the luckiest guy we know, who’ll talk to us.
[ Andy walks off ]
Girl Watcher #1: Oh, yes. We’ve sunk pretty far. And our descent continues. How I dread our future.
Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “Hans & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weighlifter.
Together: Welcome! We’re back!
Franz: That’s right.
Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans..
Hans: And I am Franz..
Together: And we want to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!
Hans: Alright, tonight ve vould like to begin the program by clearing the air.
Franz: Ya, unfortunately, ve have to vaste valuable time talking about a nasty issue.
Together: Steroids!
Franz: You know, ve ourselves have even come under attack for using them.
Hans: Ya, but they are sadly mistaken, my friend. Because we are just like yogurt – all natural, no chemicals.
Franz: Ya, ya. But there is no fruit at the bottom of us, only muscle. That’s right! And not just at the bottom but throughout, as if we were pre-stirred muscle yogurt.
Hans: Ya, that’s right! Here’s something you won’t see in the dairy case of your local supermarket.
[ they flex their muscles ]
Franz: Listen to me now, and believe me later! You know, they are just jealous because they are losers, and they can’t understand how we can be so pumped up with our washboard stomachs. You know, when they only have Sears frontloaders.
Hans: Ya! And, believe me, you know, we could go to the dry cleaner’s and just as easily pick up our clean laundry without a claim check!
Franz: Alright, Hans, do not talk.
Hans: We’re not here to talk.
Together: We’re here to.. [ clap their hands ] ..pump you up!
Franz: But, you know, we can’t do that yet! We must first clear the air. You know, the most unbelievable thing about the Olympics was the whole diving competition!
Hans: Ya, you know, they gave Greg Stuganis two gold medals just for making a puny splash.
Franz: Ya, they called him couragous, ’cause he hit his head on the board and got right back up to dive again with stitches!
Together: Oo-oo-oo-hhh!
Hans: What a hero.
Franz: What a man.
Hans: Ya, hear me now, and think about it sometime and play it again and again on your VCR. You know, if Franz and I ever hit our head on the board, the people would look up and say, “Where is the board?”
Franz: Ya! It would be toothpicks! Listen, Mr. Stuganis, we could very easily grab you by your G-string and wind it so tightly that when it snapps, your buttock muscles will go flying around the room like a balloon!
Hans: That’s right, and we would just laugh, because our degree of difficulty would be 0.0!
Franz: Listen, another thing, Mr. “Tan Light Man”, I can very easily see us getting a slow-motion salute from the Olympic committee, in recognition of our excellence!
Hans: That’s right! You’d better get used to it, Mr. Stuganis, because it’s going to look something..
[ they clap ]
Together: ..like this!
[ a montage of Hans & Franz flexing their muscles and training is played ]
Announcer: And now, an up-close and personal look at Hans & Franz. Ya, ze Olympic Committee would like to salute Hans & Franz, and you know, if they were ever in the Olympic, they would win all the gold. Sank you, Hans & Franz.
[ montage ends ]
Hans: Take that! Take that, Mr. Stuganis!
Franz: Ya, and take this:
Together: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday..” [ they clap ] “..Night!”
Bob Tompkins…..Tom Hanks Greg Knutsen…..Kevin Nealon Deborah Knutsen…..Victoria Jackson Ted Johnson…..Phil Hartman Mrs. Johnson…..Jan Hooks “You Make The Call” announcer (voice)…..Al Franken
[ Title graphics and fanfare music ]
Announcer: It’s time for the game that all Americans love to play: “Jew, Not a Jew”! And here’s your host, Bob Thompkins!
[ Bob comes out ]
Bob Thompkins: Thank you! Thank you, thank you, Don, thank you, everybody! Welcome to “Jew, Not a Jew”! Okay, let’s say hi to our champions, the Knutsens! [ walks over to them ] Greg Knutsen — what kind of name is that?
Greg Knutsen: That’s Swedish, Bob. My father’s Swedish Lutheran.
Bob Thompkins: Well gee, I thought all Swedes were blonde.
Greg Knutsen: My mom’s Irish Catholic. Yeah.
Bob Thompkins: That’s very interesting. Debra, delightful to see you again!
Debra Knutsen: Great to be back, Bob!
Bob Thompkins: Debra, what was your maiden name?
Debra Knutsen: Rochez. It’s French Huguenot. It’s pretty hardcore Protestant.
Bob Thompkins: So, we got ourselves a real mishmash here, don’t we? Okay, now let’s go over and meet our challengers, the Johnsons! [ walks over to them, chuckling ] Ted, you hail from Oregon and are ?
Ted Johnson: Bob, we’re both WASPs.
Bob Thompkins: All right, all right, Johnsons! And now, let’s play, “Jew, Not a Jew”!
[ the fanfare music plays as the title card is pulled away to reveal a green screen ]
Bob Thompkins: All right, hands on buzzers, everybody, hands on buzzers.
[ The couples take their positions. Bob stands next to the green screen as an image of Penny Marshall is displayed ]
Bob Thompkins: [ reading from a card ] Star of ABC’s long-running hit, Laverne and Shirley, she directed the summer blockbuster, Big. Penny Marshall: Jew, or not a Jew?
[ The Knutsens press the buzzer ]
Bob Thompkins: Knutsens! Penny Marshall, Jew or not a Jew?
Greg Knutsen: [ softly conversing with Debra ] I think she’s from Brooklyn somewhere — I’m n–
Debra Knutsen: Okay, okay, we’re gonna go with Jew, Bob!
[ SFX: BZZZZZZZ! ]
Bob Thompkins: Ohhh! No, I’m sorry, Penny Marshall was born Penelope Mashirelli, she is an Italian Catholic. Italian Catholic. Now, let’s take a minute to review the rules for “Jew, Not a Jew”! According to Jewish law, anyone whose mother is a Jew, is a Jew, so if an individual’s father is a Gentile, and his mother is Jewish, that person is considered a Jew. However, reverse the bloodlines, and that person is NOT a Jew! But, for the purposes of our game, anyone with any Jewish lineage at all will be considered a Jew. Okay, now let’s get back to our games! Hands on the buzzers now! Hands on the buzzers!
[ The couples take their positions. Bob stands next to the green screen as an image of Michael Landon is displayed. ]
Bob Thompkins: [ reading from a card ] Star of Highway to Heaven. He was Charles Ingalls on Little House on the Prairie, and Little Joe on Bonanza. Writer/producer/star Michael Landon: Jew, or not a Jew?
[ The Johnsons press the buzzer ]
Bob Thompkins: Oh, Johnsons! Michael Landon: Jew, not a Jew?
Ted Johnson: [ softly conversing with Mrs. Johnson ] Oh boy, I heard somewhere he’s Jewish.
Mrs. Johnson: Are you sure?
Ted Johnson: Uh, yeah, when he was doing Bonanza, I read it —
Mrs. Johnson: Uh — you mean Lorne Greene?
Ted Johnson: No, no, I think he’s Jewish. Really.
Mrs. Johnson: We’re gonna say Jew, Bob.
[ SFX: ding ding ding ding! ]
Bob Thompkins: That’s right! That’s right!
Mrs. Johnson: [ squeals ]
[ The Johnsons hug each other while jumping for joy ]
Bob Thompkins: He was born Eugene Horowitz in Brooklyn, New York! Michael Landon is Jewish! Good, Johnsons! Ten points! Ten points. Okay, let’s continue, hands on buzzers. [ a picture of Ed Koch is shown as Bob reads from another card ] Mayor of New York [ Greg Knutsen presses the buzzer ] Yes, yes, yes?
Greg Knutsen: He’s a Jew, Bob!
[ SFX: ding ding ding ding! ]
Bob Thompkins: Yes! That’s right, Ed Koch is a Jew! Ten points, Knutsens! All right! Oh — we gotta take a time out! We’ll be right back after this word.
[ Fade to a blue/black gradient screen with text as marching band music plays ]
“You Make The Call” announcer: Feldman’s Kosher Pickles presents: You Make the Call.
[ Film clips of a baseball game are shown ]
“You Make The Call” announcer: The 1965 World Series. Sandy Koufax leads the Los Angeles Dodgers into the seventh game against the Minnesota Twins. Koufax shuts out the Twins, yielding just three hits and striking out ten. Now, you make the call. Sandy Koufax: Jew, or not a Jew?
[ cut to a sponsor screen ]
“You Make The Call” announcer: “Jew, Not a Jew” is brought to you by Feldman’s Kosher Pickles. You don’t have to be Jewish to like Feldman’s, but it helps.
[ cut to another World Series film clip ]
“You Make The Call” announcer: If you said Sandy Koufax was a Jew, you made the right call. Sandy Koufax: baseball great, Jew.
[ Fade back to the set of “Jew, Not a Jew” ]
Bob Thompkins: Hey, we’re all out of time! That’s it for today! Tune in tomorrow, and we’ll take a look at — [ pictures of each are shown ] Bruce Springsteen, Goldie Hawn, Jose Ferrer, and Caspar Weinberger on “Jew, Not a Jew”! Bye-bye, everybody!
[ Bob shakes hands with the contestants. Fade out ]
…..Tom Hanks …..Nora Dunn ….Phil Hartman Stagehand…..Conan O’Brien NBC Page…..Bob Odenkirk …..Keith Richards …..Dennis Miller
Tom Hanks: Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you! Boy, you people must be getting real sick of me by now! It’s unbelieveable.. I’m on TV all the time, there’s this kind of junk.. [ holds up Newsweek with his picture on the cover ] I’m glad my movies have met with some success, but, geez, the things these interviewers and reporters are going on and on about me being such a “nice” guy! It makes me feel sort of silly. I mean, lsiten to this, this one thing in here.. [ opens magazine ] ..”Look up Nice in the latest edition of Webster’s Dictionary, you’ll find a new definition – Tom Hanks.” No, you won’t! I looked it up, it’s not there! Nobody gets this kind of press, it’s embarrassing! Nobody can be that nice! I am just a regular guy, and here they are calling me the Nicest Guy in Hollywood. Well, if Im the nicest guy in Hollywood, you don’t want to go there, believe me! But if you do, if you want to come up, I’ve got a spare bedroom, you can stay for the whole week.. Listen, we have a really great show, we have Keith Richard with us!
[ band plays, as Tom exits offstage ]
[ Nora Dunn is crying while reading a scrapbook ]
Tom Hanks: Hey, what’s wrong, Nora? What’s the matter, didn’t you like my gift?
Nora Dunn: [ wiping her tears ] I did. It’s just.. it’s just so thoughtful.. I mean, you researched my whole family tree!
Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, it was nothing! We were in Ireland, and I had a few extra days..
Nora Dunn: I know.. but you did all this calliography, and, I don’t know..
Tom Hanks: Oh, Nora, I just hope that you enjoy it. Listen, I’ve got to go in the contorl room and wish everybody good luck. Have a great show! [ walks off ]
Nora Dunn: He’s so nice! He’s so nice!
[ [Tom Enters backstage, where Phil Hartman is yelling at the control board operators ]
Phil Hartman: No, no, no! Listen, we’re on the air! The make-up is wrong, the wig doesn’t fit..!
Tom Hanks: Hey, hey, Phil? What do you mean the wig doesn’t look right? It looks great! The glasses fit, the wardrobe’s fantastic, I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything’s gonna be alright.
Phil Hartman: I’m sorry I was so mad. Now all I feel is a sense of perfect peace..
Tom Hanks: [ walks through the control room ] Hey, everybody, let’s have a great show, okay? Thanks for all your hard work! Audrey. Kiki. Linda. Tracy Sandy. Big Paul. Little Paul. Garland. Mike. Cubby. It’s great seeing everybody – here’s haveing a good show!
[ walks past a horse in the hall ]
Stagehand: Hey! Watch out, Mr. Hanks! This horse bites everyone!
Tom Hanks: [ pets horse on the nose ] Aw, no, he doesn’t. He’s a great horse! [ notices altercation in the hall ] Hey! NBC Page, what seems to be the problem?
NBC Page: Mr. Hanks, these people don’t have tickets!
Tom Hanks: Aw, gee, fellas.. you want to see the show? I’ll tell you what – my hotel room has a wide-screen TV. [ gives the Thugs the keys ] Why don’t you just go over to Suites 1404 and 1405. The key’s in the minibar, help yourself to some snacks.
Thug: Thanks. [ to NBC Page ] Hey, you wanna come to the party?
NBC Page: Sure!
[ they run down to the hall for the hotel suites ]
Tom Hanks: [ spots musical guest Keith Richards ] Oh, hey, Keith. Listen, we’ve got a problem. One of your horn players threw up in my dressing room. I think he’s got the flu. I think one of us should check up on him.
Keith Richards: [ removes sunglasses and smiles ] Thanks, man. [ walks away ]
Tom Hanks: Hey, Dennis! Hey! “Weekend Update” really killed in dress rehearsal.
Dennis Miller: Thanks, Tito. You know, I like your monologue, too.
Tom Hanks: Thanks. You didn’t think I came off as arrogant, or maybe too cocky?
Dennis Miller: No, not at all. You know, I was a little surprised, though, that you didn’t thank the audience for coming.
Tom Hanks: Well, I hope this doesn’t anger you, Dennis, but Idid thank the audience for coming.
Dennis Miller: No. I was watching, I don’t think you did. Don’t worry about it, it’s not important!
[ close-up reveals a stunned expression on Tom’s face ]
Tom Hanks: Dennis, would you excuse me for just a minute?
Dennis Miller: Sure.
Tom Hanks: [ runs back to Home Base ] I’m sorry, folks, but I forgot something really important. Thank you all for coming, each and every one of you. We’ll be right back! Thank you, we’ve got a great show! [ points amongst the audience ] Now, thank you, Colin.. uh, that’s your wife, Elizabeth, I believe, sorry.. Uh.. Dorothy, your husband Al, thank you for coming.. Lily.. thank you for coming, too..!
Mr. Short-Term Memory…..Tom Hanks Date…..Victoria Jackson Waiter…..Phil Hartman
Jingle: “Mr. Short-Term Memory. He shouldn’t have stood under that pear tree. Now there’s just no remedy. He’ll frustrate you so But he’ll never know. Because he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
Announcer: Tonight’s episode: “The Blind Date”.
[ segue into Mr. Short-Term Memory in a fancy restaurant sitting at atable with his blind date ]
Mr. Short-Term Memory: So, the boss walks into the office, and Bill’s got his sweater on over his head, and.. [ laughs ]
Date: [ laughing ] Bill sounds like a pretty funny guy!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill who?
Date: The guy you work with.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, Bill? How do you know Bill?
Date: I don’t know Bill.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, it’s too bad, he’s a pretty funny guy! So, you want to guy out to dinner?
Date: What do you mean? We’re at dinner.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, great, I’m hungry!
[ Waiter walks up with a bottle of wine ]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, what’s with the wine?
Waiter: It’s the Bordeaux you just ordered.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: I didn’t order any wine! If this is one of those kind of places where they bring you wine that you didn’t order, and then put it on your bill, I’m not biting!
Date: Jeff, you ordered the wine.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh! [ takes the wine and pours it ]
Date: You know, it’s kind of funny that you’re in advertising..because my dad used to be in advertising. When I was little, he’d try his ideas on me, and..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me.. Miss? You’re welcome to sit here and everything.. but I think introductions are in order.
Date: Jeff. It’s me. Caroline. Your date.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ checks her out ] Ohhh, hey, alright! So, what’s your name?
Waiter: [ returns with menus ] Here are your menus. Our Special this evening is Medallions of Veal smothered in a wine and mushroom sauce.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ examines menu ] Is there a Special tonight?
Waiter: I just told you the Special: Medallions of Veal..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, just tell me about the Special, please? I don’t want to hear all this babbling about Medallions of Veal – I don’t even see it on the menu!
Waiter: I’m.. sorry, Sir.. there are no Specials.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well.. okay. I’ll have the Poached Salmon.
Date: I’ll have the same.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey! Poached Salmon! I’ll have that! [ Waiter tries to take the menu ] Excuse me, but I think we’re going to need these menus to order the food!
Waiter: [ takes menu ] Uh.. I’ll get you a fresh one.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. Wow. Classy place. I hope they havePoached Salmon!
Date: Yeah. Well, anyway.. you know, I used to think of going into advertising myself.. but.. once I got into publishing, well..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Excuse me. This is very interesting, but I don’t know who you are, and frankly, it’s making me just a little..
Date: Caroline! Caroline! I’m your date! Caroline!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. [ checks her out ] Hey, alright, we’re doing okay! Now, if we could just get a waiter.. [ grabs a busboy ] Excuse me, Busboy? Could you introduce us to a waiter, please? I’m sure he must be a delightful individual, we’d love to meet him! Thank you!
Date: Jeff, please don’t make a scene..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Well, I’m just trying to get food before.. [ looks at his watch ] Hey! Look at this watch!
Date: Jeff.. it’s yours.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ smiles ] Thank you!
Waiter: [ re-enters, and places the food on the table ] And here you are..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh, boy.. listen, you’re obviously new. I don’t know if you realize it or not, but you’ve just served food to people who have barely sat down! A menu would be nice for a start!
Waiter: [ disgusted ] I’m sorry, Sir, there’s no need to see a menu. We only serve one dish at this restaurant – Poached Salmon.
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Hey, Poached Salmon! I love it! [ startseating ]
Date: Jeff, have you ever seen anybody about your.. condition?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ grows uncomfortable as he chews ] There’s something in my mouth! There’s something in my mouth! [ spits out his Poached Salmon onto his napkin ] There was food in my mouth!
Date: It’s just your Poached Salmon!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Oh. I love Poached Salmon! [ pierces the chewed food with his fork ]
Date: Don’t eat it!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ notices the chewed food in his napkin ] Wait a minute, I’m not going to eat this! This has already been in somebody’s mouth! Oh, this is a great restaurant! Serves already-been-chewed food!
Date: Just eat it, Jeff!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: No way!
Waiter: [ reappears ] Is there a problem?
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Yeah! Everything’s fine, except that youserved us two plates of half-eaten food!
Waiter: Really, Sir, I think that..
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Look, there’s no excuses! Just bring this back to whoever started it, and bring us some full portions! And where is our wine!
Date: Actually.. could you just bring us a bill, please? [ thewaiter exits ] I want you to take me home!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Whoa, wait.. slow down, Blondie! I don’teven know your name!
Waiter: [ throws bill on the table ] Your bill, Sir!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: Bill?! For what?!
Date: Jeff, let’s just leave!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: [ pulls his wallet out of his jacket ] Hey! Somebody lost a wallet! And it’s loaded with cash! Somebody named.. Jeffrey Morrow.
Date: Jeff, that’s you!
Mr. Short-Term Memory: It is now!
[ his Date pulls him out of the restaurant, as the scene fades out ]
Jingle: “He’ll win you yet And then he’ll forget That he’s Mr. Short-Term Memory.”
…..Dennis Miller …..Kevin Nealon Sergei Akmudov…..Phil Hartman Trainer…..A. Whitney Brown
Music Intro: “Simply Irresistable”, Robert Palmer
Announcer: And now, “Weekend Update” with anchorperson Dennis Miller.
Dennis Miller: Thank you. Good evening, and what can I tell you?
Because of Dan Quayle’s refusal to directly answer many of the questions posed to him the other night, we at “Weekend Update” now refer to the confrontation as the Bentson & Hedges Debate.
According to an offical poll of “Weekend Update” viewers, concerning their reservations about Dan Quayle as Vice-President: 33% of our viewers said they feared his age and lack of experience, 46% said they are fearful of his lack of sincerity, and an overwhelming 94% said that they are incredibly frightened of his wife’s hairdo.
You know, the last time I saw this haircut, it was making supper for Rob Petrie and Richie.
Insiders are saying that Chilean dictator Gustav Pinochet is blaming his defeat in Wednesday’s nationwide referendum, on his running mate Daniel Dequayer. Chilean voters worried that Dequayer would not be brutal enough in the event he had to assume power. Dequayer, who is called El Pendexito – or, literally, “Little Pubic Hair” – says he’s at least as brutal as Franco was when he took power. A spokesman for the opposition said, “Hey, I know Franco; I was tortured by Franco; he’s no Franco.”
The Supreme Court reconvened this week, and ruled that it is justifiable homicide to kill somebody who makes that quotes-sign thing with their fingers when they’re talking to.
Dennis Miller: In response to what its sponsors claim is an ideawhose time has come, the first All-Drug Olympics opened today in Bogota, Columbia. Athletes are allowed to take any substance whatsoever before, after, and even during the competition. So far, 115 world records have been shattered! We go now to correspondent Kevin Nealon, live in Bogota for the Weightlifting Finals. Kevin?
Kevin Nealon: Dennis, getting ready to lift now is Sergei Akmudov of the Soviet Union. His trainer has told me that he’s taken antibolic steroids, Novacaine, Nyquil, Darvon, and some sort of fish paralyzer. Also, I believe he’s had a few cocktails within the last hour or so. All of this is, of course, perfectly legal at the All-Drug Olympics, in fact it’s encouraged. Akmudov is getting set now, he’s going for a cleaning jerk of over 1500 pounds, which would triple the existing world record. That’s an awful lot of weight, Dennis, and here he goes.
[ Kevin steps aside to reveal the steroid-bulked athlete bent over to lift the 1500 lbs. weight. Sergei tightens his grip on the barbells and pulls up, but instead of lifting the weights, his arms are pulled off and blood squirts ferociously out of his pulpy stubs.
Kevin Nealon: Oh! He pulled his arms off! He’s pulled his arms off, that’s gotta be disappointing to the big Russian! [ Sergei’s trainer wraps a towel around him ] You know, you hate to see something like this happen, Dennis! He probably doesn’t have that much pain right now, but I think tomorrow he’s really gonna feel that, Dennis! Back to you!
Dennis Miller: Thank you, Kevin. Very nice form on the Russian.Canada, of course, is leading that competition.
After 67 shutout innings, Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser finally surrendered a run this week to the New York Mets. Hershiser was getting very close to the all-time record of not getting scored on, set by Brooke Shields from the age of 16 to.. well, what time is it, huh?
Yesterday, sunrise occurred at 6:42 Eastern Daylight Time, prompting Yankees coach George Steinbrenner to fire manager Lou Pinella.
The NBC “Today Show” and Olympic host Bryant Gumbel’s ego applied for statehood today. If granted, it would become our nation’s fifty-first state, and ninth largest.
Proctor & Gamble unveiled a new soap this week. Although it looks normal, the soap is actually hollow, which eliminates those little pieces that are always left at the end.
And the fifth grossing film in America this week is “Young Guns”, the new film where everybody in it is Martin Sheen’s son, but nobody has the same last name. There’s a tight nuclear family, huh?
Dennis Miller: Guess what, folks? That’s the news, and I am outta here!
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 14: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
October 15th, 1988 Matthew Broderick The Sugarcubes None Catherine O’Hara Laurie Metcalf Tom Davis The GraduateSummary: At a campaign fundraiser, Dan Quayle (Matthew Broderick) finds himself the object of Nancy Reagan’s (Jan Hooks) seduction. Recurring Characters: George Bush, Dan Quayle, Jeanne Kirkpatrick, Nancy Reagan.
Montage
Matthew Broderick’s MonologueBio: Matthew Broderick (1962-). Actor; was offered Michael J. Fox’s role in “Family Ties” sitcom, but turned it down because of his film schedule; films include: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986), “Glory” (1989), “The Cable Guy” (1996), “Election” (1999); married to actress Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997. Also Hosted: 97s. Transcript
McDonnell-RandSummary: Medical waste ad parody.
The Five BeatlesSummary: In his tell-all book, embittered Albert Goldman (Phil Hartman) recalls being kicked out The Beatles. Recurring Characters: John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Ringo Starr, Elvis Presley. Transcript
Cooking with MonkeySummary: Don Winston (Dana Carvey) introduces his audience to an upscale restaurant where all the dishes are prepared exclusively from monkey. Transcript
The Sugarcubes perform “Birthday”Bio: Alternative rock band from Iceland; members: Björk Guðmundsdóttir (vocals, keyboards), Einar Örn Benediktsson, Sigtryggur Baldursson (drums), Þór Eldon (guitar), Bragi Ólafsson (bass), Einar Melax (keyboards).
Weekend Update with Dennis MillerSummary: A. Whitney Brown delivers “The Big Picture” on ?? Transcript
Nude BeachSummary: Bob (Dana Carvey) introduces shy Doug (Matthew Broderick) to the rest of the group of nudists who hang out on the beach. Together, they sing “The Penis Song”. Note: This sketch was cut from last week’s dress rehearsal. Transcript
Learning to FeelSummary: The two girl watchers (Tom Hanks, Jon Lovitz) try to meet women at their ten-year high school reunion. Recurring Characters: Denise Venetti, Neil Simmons.
Air Date:
Bio: Matthew Broderick (1962-). Actor; was offered Michael J. Fox’s role in “Family Ties” sitcom, but turned it down because of his film schedule; films include: “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” (1986), “Glory” (1989), “The Cable Guy” (1996), “Election” (1999); married to actress Sarah Jessica Parker since 1997.
Summary: Don Winston (Dana Carvey) introduces his audience to an upscale restaurant where all the dishes are prepared exclusively from monkey.
Summary: A. Whitney Brown delivers “The Big Picture” on ??
