Category: 1998

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 24: Episode 16

98p: Drew Barrymore / Garbage

The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show

Antonio Banderas…..Chris Kattan
Señor Guadalupe Ramirez…..Jimmy Fallon
Guitarist…..Darrell Hammond
Melanie Griffith…..Drew Barrymore

[Fade up to Antonio Banderas sitting on a couch with his mariachi band, which is playing soft music behind him. Fade up “The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, Show with Antonio Banderas.” Dissolve to closer view of Antonio.]

Antonio Banderas: Hello. I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] actor! Welcome to The…how do you say?…Ah yes. Show. Now say hello to our good friend, and a very sexy man: [music stops momentarily] Señor Guadalupe Ramirez and the Gatos Picantes.

[band plays some notes]

Guadalupe: THANK YOU, MY FRIEND! [laughs]

[band plays two notes]

Antonio: No. Thank you for your continued commitment to the thing called “the sexy.”

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] NO, NO! YOU! YOU ARE THE SEXY, MY FRIEND! YOU ARE SO THE SEXY, YES!

Antonio: [laughs]…No crap.

Now, I would like to get [soft music resumes] serioso for a lot of moments….My gruest tonight is Melanie Griffith. She is a very married to me. In her, I put my thing and make a little me. [cheers]…Pleases welcome my wife, the Melano, the Griffith.

[The band plays faster music. Antonio stands up. Cheers and applause as Melanie comes in. Antonio kisses her hand. She then leans in for a kiss. The music stops.]

Please, no kissy the face. Not now. For your lips are like two Mexican slugs covered with the mentholatum….But please, make the seat.

[The band plays two notes. Antonio and Melanie sit down as she is brimming with excitement.]

Melanie Griffith: Thanks, sweetie! I love you!

Antonio: [laughs] Yes, you do. Now, question: I am much more the sexy than your former love interest, the “Miami Vice” guy, no?

Melanie: [laughs] Please! You’re way sexier than Don Johnson!

Antonio: And all of a sudden, I don’t mind the lips so much. For now, they are like two sweet Twizzlers coated with penis butter.

Melanie: Mmmm!

Antonio: I mean peanut butter….No I don’t.

Melanie: Mmmm! Mmm…Bambino! You don’t have anything to prove! You’re a very sexy man!

[Antonio and Guadalupe agree]

Antonio: It is getting hot in here, no? Well, I think I’ll just… [stands up; Melanie rises in anticipation]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] NO NO! DON’T DO IT! IT’S TOO SEXY, MY FRIEND! TOO SEXY! DON’T DO IT!…NO, PLEASE!

Antonio: But I must! [band plays fast music while he undoes the top button on his shirt]…[we see Melanie, hot and bothered, spreading her top to show her cleavage] OKAY! [music becomes faster] Maybe I should [grabs his zipper] let my little finger come out to make a play for a while? No, I will not do that. [music stops as Melanie is breathing with more anticipation]

Melanie: [aroused] You’re so hot! You want to play [pointing to her cleavage] bunny in the sailor?

Antonio: No talky. Please. I do not like the voice. It is like a slow, painful leak from a little Spanish tire. [Melanie takes her hands away from her chest] So, shh! No words. [Melanie leans in to kiss him] Shh! [whispers] ¡Silencio! Shh! Like that St– Like that door on “Star Trek.” Ch!

Melanie: Bring it on, honey! [leans in to kiss him]

Antonio: And once [turns Melanie’s head away] again, the lips frighten me.

Melanie: I know you’re not crazy about my collagen lips, but…Don never seemed to mind.

Antonio: Don? [band becomes scared] What?! NO! NEVER AGAIN! [Melanie gets aroused again] NEVER [Melanie shows her cleavage again] BRING UP THE MIAMI MAN WITH THE JOHNSON WHO SHOOTS THE COKE DUDES WITH THE BLACK MAN WITH-A NO SOCKS!

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh! Yeah! Yes!…You’re so sexy when you’re angry!

Guadalupe: [with bandmates agreeing] YES, YES, HE TRULY IS THE SEXY, YES! [laughs]

Antonio: [laughs] Yes. And the lips are fine twice again. Even the voice, not so painful. So, I think I’ll just… [stands up]

Guadalupe: [with bandmates pleading] OH PLEASE, MY FRIEND, ¡NO MÁS! ¡NO MÁS! IT’S TOO SEXY! ¡POR FAVOR! TOO SEXY!

Antonio: But I must! [band starts playing fast music as he unbuttons his shirt] All right! [starts unbuckling his belt] I WILL SHOW YOU THE REASON THAT ADAM AND EVE [Melanie shows her cleavage as he tries to unbutton his pants] GOT KICKED OUT OF THE FARM…

Melanie: [aroused] Ohh!

Antonio: …OF THE EAGLE! IF I CAN GET MY PANTS DOWN! [cheers]…I WILL DIVIDE MY WIFE WITH A FIRM SNAKE, [pulls his pants down] WHO WILL EAT THE APPLE! [louder cheers as we see him wearing black underwear with Zs on it; we also see that his pubic area is unshaved] AND WEEP! [begins to tie his shirt in a knot] AND DOES THE DANCE! AND…

[The music stops as Antonio stops and realizes that he’s not “up.” Melanie, still showing her cleavage for Antonio, wonders why nothing is happening. Antonio motions for more time, then cheers come from the audience as he looks down at his crotch and wonders why he’s not “up.”]

Ooo! [looks down at his crotch again] Ooo!

[After waiting some more, Antonio finally realizes that he’s not going to get an erection.]

And now I’m done.

[The band resumes soft music as Antonio sits back down.]

Melanie: [in sad disappointment] Oh, Antonio! Again? [Antonio pulls his pants up]…I’m gonna go see if my breasts need any work! [leaves]

Antonio: She will be back. For I have the ring on the finger that says I can make the sex, anytime. Anywhere! Even if she says no. For I am Antonio…y Banderas! I am…[whispers] active! I mean, actor. Why I make so many mistakes? What? Well! We will see you next time on The [music stops momentarily]…how do you say? Ah yes….Show!

[music becomes faster while the band circles around the couch and table; fade up title]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: Gregory Larson

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

A Message from the President of the United States

President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Vernon Jordan…..Tim Meadows
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Vice President Al Gore…..Will Ferrell
Monica Lewinsky…..Molly Shannon
White House Aide…..Chris Parnell
Betty Currie…..Tracy Morgan

President Bill Clinton: Good evening. As our distinguished Senate expeditiously winds down its constitutional duty, there has been talk among some Senators – Republican ones – of a need for an additional measure that would assert that I had committed crimes, despite my acquittal. The feeling is that without this measure, I will dismiss this entire impeachment as a meaningless partisan affair. Much the way you have.

(Laughs and does thumbs up)

There is also a concern that I and all my White House colleagues will gloat. And let me say now, and let me assure you and our distinguished senators, that as I successfully finish my term in office and complete one of the most prosperous periods in our history, I will not gloat. Let me assure you that my vindicated friend, Vernon Jordan, will not gloat. (Enter Vernon Jordan) Let me also assure you that my wife, Hillary, the next Senator from New York State, will also not gloat. (Enter Hillary Clinton) Neither will my Vice President, Al Gore, who waits quietly to decimate George Bush’s little son. (Enter Al Gore) Al Gore will not gloat. And finally, rest assured that Monica Lewinsky, my once and future girlfriend will also not gloat. (Enter Monica Lewinsky)

Because, why should we? Why should I gloat? I’ve been impeached! By the House of Representatives. (Chuckling amongst those behind him) Think about it. That’s a whole, big old House, filled with all kinds of important representatives. Like Henry Hyde. (Holds up picture of a horse’s rear end) Who was so eloquent when he… oh! I’m sorry! That wasn’t gloating! That was an honest mistake! Anyway.. (holds up picture of Henry Hyde) ..here’s to Henry Hyde!

(All take out mugs or bottles of beer)

All: To Henry Hyde!

President Bill Clinton: As you can see, we’re not drinking champagne. That would be gloating. We’re just drinking beer. And it’s not even good beer! It’s Pabst’s Blue Ribbon. It’s a beer for serious reflection and soul-searching. To serious reflection!

All: To serious reflection!

Al Gore: Al Gore in 2000!

President Bill Clinton: Monica, easy! (She is dripping beer all down her shirt because she is drinking so fast. Clinton smirks at the audience.)

White House Aide: Mr. President, the gentlemen are here. (Some men come in and hang streamers across the window behind Clinton)

President Bill Clinton: Ok, where were we? Oh, yeah. These party decorations are for a party of regret and shame, because I will not gloat. And right now, I’ve invited my dear secretary, Betty Currie, to express her feelings in dance form. Betty?

(Betty Currie enters and sets a boom box on the desk. She dances around in front of the desk to “Chain of Fools”)

President Bill Clinton: Betty has obviously been through a lot. This is not a gloating dance. It’s a serious dance of soul-searching and contrition. (Said as she shakes her butt at the audience) Senators, as you consider this motion to censure, or find me guilty without removal, let me say this: do whatever the hell you want. I don’t give a sweet rat’s ass. I’m staying. “Live, from New York, it’s Gloating Time!

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

E! Impeachment Coverage

Todd Newton…..Jimmy Fallon
Melissa Rivers…..Cheri Oteri
Chief Justice William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Sen. Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Stone……Gwyneth Paltrow
Sharon Stone’s husband…..Colin Quinn
Rep. Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell
Andy Dick…..Chris Kattan
Betty Currie…..Tim Meadows

Todd Newton: Here we are at one of the sexiest, hottest events in the country: the impeachment trial of William Jefferson Clinton. I’m Todd Newton.

Melissa Rivers: And I’m Melissa Rivers.

Todd Newton: This has been so cool, Melissa! We’ve been camped out here since … since 4 o’clock this morning to talk to all the stars of the trial as they make their way down the red carpet.

Melissa Rivers: And, Todd, I’ve been pretty cold out here in just my Pamela Dennis gown and this Harry Winston choker; borrowed, of course!

Todd Newton: (laughs) Awesome! Wow! Here comes Chief Justice William Rehnquist! Bill, over here!

Melissa Rivers: Oh, come talk to E! E!

(Enter Chief Justice Rehnquist)

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Good morning!

Todd Newton: Bill is the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. He’s presiding over the impeachment trial.

Melissa Rivers: Yes, but you might also know him from Abortion! Right? Now, Bill, you look amazing! Who are you wearing?

Chief Justice Rehnquist: Actually, I designed this myself. I copied it from a “Gilbert and Sullivan” operetta I saw.

Melissa Rivers: Ooh! Ok, turn around! Can you see this?

(Rehnquist spins around to show off his robe)

Todd Newton: Awesome!

Melissa Rivers: Look at that! Yes, now, do you like dressing up for these events?

Chief Justice Rehnquist: I do. I think that people expect a little glamour and I’m happy to provide that…

Melissa Rivers: Oh my God! There’s Trent Lott! (Shoves Rehnquist out of the way. Exit Rehnquist)

Todd Newton: Trent! Over here! Talk to E!

Sen. Trent Lott: Hello, everyone! How’s it goin’?

Todd Newton: Wow! Trent Lott! I mean, that is just, that is just awesome! I’ve got to say, you are even more awesome in person than you are on C-SPAN.

Sen. Trent Lott: Well…

Todd Newton: I love you. I think you’re da bomb.

Sen. Trent Lott: Well, thank you, young man. Thank you kindly.

Melissa Rivers: Ok, Trent. You are the Governor of Missouri?

Sen. Trent Lott: No, the Senator form Mississippi.

Melissa Rivers: Ok. And you are a Republican. Now, uh, who do you think is going to win today?

Sen. Trent Lott: Well, it’s not about winning. I’m just happy to be impeaching the President.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm.

Todd Newton: Man, you are such a gentleman. Such a class act. Really, I love you.

Sen. Trent Lott: Thank you.

Todd Newton: I’m in love with you. I want to make love on you!

Sen. Trent Lott: No! Thank you. (Exits)

Todd Newton: Ma, I am like totally star-struck right now. I mean, Trent Lott! Awesome, I just met him!

Melissa Rivers: Ok, I did not like his hair. Oh, Sharon Stone! Talk to E!

Todd Newton: Sharon! Over here!

(Enter Sharon Stone and husband)

Melissa Rivers: Oh, Sharon! (gasps) Who are you wearing?

Sharon Stone: This was made for me by my good friend Vera Wang. Don’t you love it?

Melissa Rivers: I love you, Sharon! Now, are you testifying today or are you presenting?

Sharon Stone: I’m just here to promote my new movie, “Gloria.” (claps) And I am not going home until I meet Charles Rough, because I think that people in wheelchairs are the real heroes.

Melissa Rivers: Ok, great. Now, Sharon, is this your husband?

Sharon Stone: Yes, isn’t he creepy?

Todd Newton: Here comes Bob Barr!

Melissa Rivers: Bob! Talk to E!

Rep. Bob Barr: Hey Sharon.

Todd Newton: Now, Bob Barr. The Senate has set a deadline of February 12th to end this trial, but we here at E! just have to ask you…

Melissa Rivers: What did you think of “Patch Adams?”

Rep. Bob Barr: Well, I loved it. It’s a modern parable. And with Robin Williams, you always get something new and different. That guy is great.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm. Now, who are you wearing?

Rep. Bob Barr: Well, the suit is Today’s Man, and the shirt is a short-sleeved button-down. I don’t know if you can see this. It’s by Structure, and it’s a medium.

Melissa Rivers: Hmm. It’s a medium.

(Barr exits)

Todd Newton: Uh, Sharon. You can go inside now, if you want.

Sharon Stone: Actually, Todd, I prefer to stay on camera.

Todd Newton: Oh, ok. Here comes the couple of the hour. Look, it’s Betty Currie and Andy Dick!

Melissa Rivers: Betty! Come talk to E!

(Enter Betty Currie and Andy Dick)

Betty Currie: What’s up, freaks? Are you ready to party?

Andy Dick: Oh my God! Todd Newton! I would totally make out with you if we were both girls. (gasps) What did I say?

Melissa Rivers: Alright. You and Betty seem so in love.

Todd Newton: You guys look awesome together! Hey, do I see wedding bells.

Melissa Rivers: Oh! I just got married! Look at my ring!

Andy Dick: (gasps) Oh my God! Betty! I’d buy a ring like that for Betty if I weren’t so kooked up and gay! (gasps) What? Why am I talking?

Melissa Rivers: Ok! Don’t go away, anybody! E! will be right back!

Todd Newton: We’re live at the impeachment of the President with Bob Barr, Sharon Stone, Betty Currie, Andy Dick, Joan Rivers’ daughter and … hey, I think this might be the apocalypse. This is exactly what St. John predicted. Yup, here comes the wall of flame.

Melissa Rivers: Mom! Mom!

(Everyone runs away and the picture becomes blurry and red. The camera falls to the floor and Sharon Stone screams in it.)

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Goodnights

…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Gwyneth Paltrow: I’d like to thank everybody! I’d like to thank the Barenaked Ladies.. Ben Affleck.. and everybody! I had a great time! Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Behind The Music: Joan Jett

Joan Jett…..Gwyneth Paltrow

[Joan Jett is in a bar, facing a jukebox, then turns and faces the camera. “I Love Rock & Roll” plays in the background.]

Joan Jett: One time I was at this bar, you know, and there was this jukebox. And, um, my boyfriend said, “I love rock and roll. Put another dime in the jukebox, baby.” And uh I was like, “Okay.” So I put a dime in the jukebox. But uh, it didn’t work. Because jukeboxes take quarters. (laughs) Anyway, we went back to my boyfriend’s place, and he said, “Eat this bag of circus peanuts while I watch!” [laughter] He got a kick out of stuff like that. (shrugs) One time, he uh, this is a funny story – one time he had me take my shirt off and eat a can of dog food in front of his parents. They pretended to be horrified. We just laughed, and then got high with ’em. Those were heady days. (nods) Heady indeed.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mary Katherine Gallagher

China…..Cheri Oteri
Ana…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicki…..Gwyneth Paltrow
Mary Katherine Gallagher…..Molly Shannon
Sister Harriet…..Paula Pell
Priest…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, St. Monica’s High School. Fade to interior, girl’srestroom, where girl gang The Black Angels enter ]

China: Oh, my God! I can’t believe we stole the community wine!

Ana: We would’ve gotten the wafers, too, if it hadn’t fallen out of your bra.

Nicki: [ smoking cigarette ] Shut up! I’m just getting a good buzz going!

China: Do you think Jesus saw us? [ empties the communal wine in the sink ]

Nicki: Where is this chick? Read that note again!

Ana: [ pulls note out of jacket and reads ] “Dear Black Angels: I wanna be in your gang. Meet me in the lavatory after choir practice.Sincerely, Little Miss Tough Cookie.”

Nicki: [ laughing ] Who in this school thinks they’re tough enough to be a Black Angel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: [ runs out of stall ] Mary KatherineGallagher!

Ana: You want to be a Black Angel?

Nicki: Why would we let a dork like you be in ourvicious gang!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Because ever since I saw “The Patty Hearst Story” on TNT, I knew I wanted to be a bad girl.”

Nicki: You want to be one of us?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah.

Nicki: Then you gotta prove that you can be an A-one bad ass!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Ana: You’re about as bad ass as a Hello Kitty purse!

[ Black Angels laugh ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, maybe a little demonstration would help change your minds. [ takes karate stance and kicks tampon cabinet in ] They call me the Tamponator!

Ana: That’s pretty good..

China: Oh, my God, I just swallowed my gum..

Nicki: To be in the Black Angels, spaz, you gotta be initiated!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay.

Nicki: You gotta do three mortal sins in three minutes!

Ana: Number 1: you gotta drink water outta the toilet!

[ Black Angels laugh and push Mary into the stall ]

China: I’ll be on the lookout! [ stands guard at door ]

[ Mary Katherine Gallagher can be heard lapping up the toilet water, then steps out ]

Nicki: [ laughing ] How does that feel?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: It felt okay. I’ve done it before.

Ana: Freak-y..

China: [ alarmed ] Hey, guys! Sister Harriet’s coming!

Nicki: Next sin is: you’ve got to insult a nun!

[ Black Angels hide in the stall as Sister Harriet enters ]

Sister Harriet: Mary Katherine. Have you seen Nicki Donahue and her two friends? [ no response ] Very well, then. Don’t forget – Jesus loves clean hands. [ turns away ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey, Sister? I bet you have a real hairy ass! [ barks lously, running Sister Harriet out of the restroom ]

[ Black Angels reappear ]

Ana: I can’t believe you did that..

China: [ ecstatic ] Oh, my God! Sister Harriet has a hairy ass!

Nicki: You still got one more sin to commit, girlie! So,here’s the deal: China’s gonna pull in the next guy that comes down the hall, and you gotta make out with him hard! [ they laugh, as China pulls in a frightened young boy ] Ooh-ooh! You scared, weiner?

Male Student: [ trembling ] Uh.. I’m an asthmatic, so if you’regonna dunk my head in the commode, may I please take a hit off my inhaler?

Nicki: Oh, we’re gonna take your breath away, alright! [ pushes him to Mary ] Mary Katherine Gallagher, do it!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Hey.

Male Student: Hi..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: How are you?

Male Student: Okay..

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Okay. [ kisses him hard, as the Black Angels cheer her on ]

Male Student: [ ecstatic ] My “Babyon 5” Internet chat room isnever gonna believe this! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! [ runs outexcitedly ]

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Am I in the Black Angels now?

[ Black Angels laugh at her ]

Nicki: Newsflash, weiner! You ain’t never gonna be in the Black Angels!

China: Yeah, dream on, headband!

Ana: How do you like that, B.O.!

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Well, my feelings would be best expressed in a monologue, from the made-for-TV movie “Long Island Lolita: The Amy Fisher Story”. And in this monologue, I will be playing the victimized, yet resilient, Mary Jo Buttafuaco. [ poises herself ] “You think that I’m afraid of you, little Amy Fisher? Is that what you think? Huh? Huh? You think I’m just like a little housewife or something, is that what you think? Huh? Huh? Well, you take a good, long look, ’cause you just stepped into Hell, baby! I dare you to step onto this porch again, because if you do, I’ll kick your little slutty ass across this town, youwhore! Go ahead, shoot me in the head again, I dare you! I dare you! ‘Causeif I spot your fat little pink face on my property again, I swear to God I’ll take my two bare hands and I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! I’ll kill ya’! [ jumps back and crashes into the stalls, knocking all three down flat, sewer water squirting everywhere ]

[ the Black Angels run in fear, throwing down China’s leather jacket and Ana’s cigarette. Mary smokes the cigarette and wears the jacket proudly, as a Priest enters. ]

Priest: What on Earth happened here? Mary Katherine Gallagher, did you do this?

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Yeah. What’s it to you, Collar?

Priest: Young lady, you are in a lot of trouble.

Mary Katherine Gallagher: Oh, yeah? [ jumps forward and does hervictory split ] Black Angel!

[ Priest drags her out of the restroom, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Mindy & Skye

Emcee…..Horatio Sanz
Mindy…..Jimmy Fallon
Skye…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Emcee: Alright everyone, just a quick announcement before we get started. Uh, Anarchy Diet has been moved from Tuesday to Wednesday, so all you anarchists, make a mark of that in your books. Ok now, put your hands together for our first guests, Mindy and Skye. Alright.

Mindy: Hey thanks, thank you very much. Alright. Uh, peace. This is a dream come true. Dig it.

Skye: Yeah, dig it.

Mindy: I’m Mindy and this is Skye.

Skye: Heh, dig it again.

Mindy: You know folks? Two days ago, I was the lonliest guy in the world. Then one fated afternoon at Starbucks I was journaling through some rage, and I met this angel. So beautiful. So smart. So.. vegetarian. Before I knew it, I was doing wheat grass shots from her bellybutton. She is the love of my life.

Skye: Thank you baby.

Mindy: You’re welcome baby. The first time, the first time she sang this song for me, I nearly fainted, it touched me so much.

Skye: Well it’s also because you had just given blood.

Mindy: Yeah, that’s true. This is that song. It sings something very close to my heart.

Skye: It’s about the almighty whale.

Mindy: Majestic creatures in danger of extinction. I think it’s time for us to do something man.

Skye: It’s bad for whales to get extincted.

Mindy: Yeah, come on people, let’s get conscious here.

Skye: Let’s clean up the lakes so whales can be OK. I mean how can you call yourself peoples, when all you do is sit around, man. And get jobs and eat whales and take jobs from whales and some of you do things to help, but other people just dont ever even do nothing! And it makes me SO MAD! Wait, what were we talking about?

Mindy: Whales.

Skye: Oh yeah, whales! WHALE POWER!!

Mindy: Hey baby, how bout we just sing the beautiful song alright?

Skye: [ singing ]
“Hey mister where you goin?
Here’s something you should be knowing.
There’s a problem that’s really growing.
Whale spouts are meant for blowing.
So STOP dropping bombs onto the whales, you dirty dirty bums
Just because they’re fat, doesn’t mean they’re dumb.
Leave the whales alone!”

Mindy: Um.. hey uh baby?

Skye: Yeah baby.

Mindy: Is that the same song you sang to me last night?

Skye: Probably not, ’cause I just made it up. Why? Did you like it baby?

Mindy: I loved it. It was genius. Wow, you have really cool hair. Ok, this next song is about a very important issue. You know we lose 50 million acres of rainforest each year. I mean that’s just uh.. god you have sexy cheekbones. But we gotta do something about the rainforest.

Skye: Oh yeah, I hate the rainforest.

Mindy: Without the rainforest the planet is not going to survive, man. So we gotta make things right.

Skye: There’s just too many rainforests and they’re like taking over the land! The time has come to stand and fight.

Mindy: Um. I’m not sure what you mean there, Skye.

Skye: Yeah, I mean if we all don’t ban together, and BURN all the rainforests, there’s going to be monkeys running our cities. It’s just going to be like “Planet of the Apes”. People you’ve seen the movie! You know it’s coming!

Mindy: Hey, baby hey baby you’re kind of freaking all of us out.

Skye: Well sing your song Mindy. You’ve gotta warn them.

Mindy: Yeah, save the trees here.

Mindy: [ singing ]
“They’re cutting down majestic trees
Mother nature falls to her knees
Stop bagging up and stop it please.
But greedy wants what greedy sees.”

Skye: RAINFORESTS ARE THE DEVIL! WEVE GOT TO KILL THE DEVIL!WE GOTTA PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS! AND HIRE WAY MORE COPS! DAMN TREES! DAMN TREES!

Mindy: Hey wait! Hey Skye! Skye stop it!

Skye: Why?!

Mindy: What the hell do you think you’re doing? I mean, are you insane?!

Skye: No, I’m just very opinionated.

Mindy: My god! Singing is my living even though I dont make any money at it. I still take it very seriously.

Skye: Well I do too!

Mindy: Well I’m sorry, I cannot perform with a woman who thinks trees are the devil.

Skye: [ pause ] I dont want to hurt you baby so I’ll hit the road. bye mindy. These last 53 hours have been the best ones of my entire life. [ they kiss ]

Mindy: ..Wait, wait hold on. Rainforests are the devil.. That’s cool. Yeah I’m totally cool with that yeah. You know maybe we should stick to love songs. Alright? What do you think of that my beautiful soulmate?

Skye: Cosmic. I love you mindy

Mindy: Me too. This one’s called “The Ballad of Mindy and Skye”.

[ singing ]
“Down by the water on a rainy day
I’ll never forget the moment that I saw you swim my way.
You said..

Skye: [ making burbling noises ] “Hey, nice to meet you, how bout a swim?”

Mindy & Skye: [ singing in harmony ] We kinda go together.

Skye: [ singing ] Cause I’m a her.

Mindy: [ singing ] And I’m a him.
[ speaking ] Thank you very much everybody!

Skye: RAINFORESTS ARE THE DEVIL!

[ fade ]

Submitted by: My Jimmy Fallon Obession

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Monologue

…..Gwyneth Paltrow
First Woman in Audience…..Paula Pell
Second Woman in Audience…..Tina Fey
…..Ben Affleck

Gwyneth: [ in english accent ] Thank you! Thank you very very much… Thank you. You are all… You are all very very kind, really. It’s absolutely brilliant to be hosting Saturday Night Live. I have had such a smashing year.

[ First Woman in the Audience stands up ]

First Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth?

Gwyneth: Yes?

First Woman in Audience: I’m a big fan of yours. I loved you in “Shakespeare In Love” and “Sliding Doors,” and “Emma”. But I didn’t know that you were actually from England.

Gwyneth: Oh yes, I was born and raised there.

First Woman in Audience: Where exactly?

[ Gwyneth ignores the Woman in the Audience and addresses a Man in the Audience ]

Gwyneth: You sir! Do you have a question?

Man in Audience: No..no..no… no I didn’t.

Gwyneth: Well, I miss home already. So many wonderful memories of England… the smell of sweetmeats and scones on St. Crispin’s Day.

[ Second Woman stands up in the audience ]

Second Woman in Audience: Excuse me… Gwyneth, aren’t you from New York?

Gwyneth: Pardon?

Second Woman in Audience: Well I read in People Magazine that grew up in New York City… and your mom is Blythe Danner and your dad produced “St. Elsewhere”?

Gwyneth: Well I certainly don’t know what you’re talking about. Would you like some tea, love?

[ Ben Affleck stands up in the audience ]

Ben: Hold On… Gwyneth! It’s me… It’s me Ben…

Gwyneth:I’m sorry?
Ben: Ben! Ben Affleck.

Gwyneth: Oh-ho! Ben Affleck, the charming American actor I worked with in “Shakespeare In Love”.

Ben: Uhh… Gwyneth, why are you speaking inan English accent?

Gwyneth: English people always speak with English accents love! Oh you Yanks are so humourous.. spelled with a “O-U-R”.

Ben: But you’re not British. You’re American. You were born in Los Angeles, you were raised in New York. You’re whole family’s American. I know that.

Gwyneth: Well it’s odd that an American would know so much about me, an English woman.

Ben: I don’t know… I don’t really think it’s odd. I mean… you know.. we… you know… we DATED. We broke up like a month ago, it was in all the papers. Didn’t you read about it? You know what? You don’t have to do that. People will still take you seriously as an actress, you know, even if you’re American.

Gwyneth: Really?

Ben: Yeah… don’t go all Minnie Driver on me, ok?

Gwyneth: Alright, well we got a great show for you tonight! The Barenaked Ladies are here. And they are just smashing… Oh no.. sorry. They’re great. Stick around we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Behind The Music: John Oates

John Oates…..Chris Kattan

[John Oates is sitting in a stairwell.]

John Oates: You might–you might remember this one. (sings) “Private eyes, (claps) they’re watching you. (claps twice)” That was all me. The clapping part. I wasn’t actually the one who uh, clapped, but um, it was my idea. To clap. [Hall & Oates’ “Maneater” starts to play] I didn’t really sing, or play guitar that well. So. (pause) I’m Oates.

Submitted by: Joy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: Episode 12

98l: Gwyneth Paltrow / Barenaked Ladies

Senate Voting

Judge William Rehnquist…..Will Ferrell
Trent Lott…..Darrell Hammond
Tom Daschle…..Chris Kattan
Mary Bono…..Cheri Oteri

Judge Rehnquist: Senators, I’m getting tired of these straight party-line votes. We need to find something to break this up. Did anybody see the Superbowl?

Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I saw the Superbowl, and I particularly loved that commercial with the little mouse wearing glasses. I mean, that was funny.

Tom Daschle: I thought it was ludicrous. Mice don’t wear goggles.

Judge Rehnquist: We’ll take a vote. Who thinks mice wear goggles, say Aye.

Republicans: Aye!

Judge Rehnquist: Those that think they don’t, say Nay.

Democrats: Nay!

[ GRAPHIC: MICE WEAR GOGGLES, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: Apparently, whether mice wear goggles is a partisan issue. I give up. I guess we have to agree to disagree.

Republicans: Aye!

Democrats: Nay!

[ GRAPHIC: AGREE TO DISAGREE, AGREE: 56, DISAGREE, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: How can you not agree to disagree? That’s it, okay? We might as well order lunch, because we’re going to be here all day.

Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? If I may, I propose we get ourselves a pizza.

Tom Daschle: I say Chinese food.

Judge Rehnquist: How many for pizza?

Republicans: Aye!

Judge Rehnquist: Chinese food?

Democrats: Aye!

[ GRAPHIC: LUNCH, PIZZA: 55, CHINESE FOOD, 44 ]

Judge Rehnquist: It’s 55 to 44. Okay, who didn’t vote?

Mary Bono: Ah, I would like Falaffles.

Judge Rehnquist: We aren’t getting Falaffles. It looks like pizza. I hate to ask, but what toppings are we getting on the pizza?

Trent Lott: [ jubilant ] Pepperoni!

Tom Daschle: Mushrooms?

Mary Bono: Ooh! Let’s vote!

Judge Rehnquist: We’re not going to vote. 56% of the pizza will have pepperoni, the other 44%, mushroom.

Trent Lott: Uh, Mr. Chief Justice? I’d like to bring before the Senate a vote on whether more witnesses should be..

Judge Rehnquist: [ banging gavel ] We will not continue with this impeachment hearing until we can find some common ground. I can’t believe we can’t agree on anything. [ desperate ] Anybody have HBO? Have you seen those interminable promos for the “Tracey Ullman Show”?

Tom Daschle: Is that the one where she’s talking to her kid?

Judge Rehnquist: Yeah! Is it me, or is that show overrated? All those who agree, say Aye.

Everyone: Aye!!

[ GRAPHIC: TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW OVERRATED, AGREE: 100 ]

Judge Rehnquist: Finally! You all agree. Good. That show blows hard! [ anxious to continue ] Hey! Did you see on VH-1 that “Behind the Music” with Leif Garrett? Was that so sad, it was hilarious? All in favor, say Aye.

Everyone: Aye!!

[ GRAPHIC: LEIF GARRETT SO SAD IT’S HILARIOUS, AGREE: 100 ]

Judge Rehnquist: We are on a roll now, okay! That band N*Sync. They’re not that bad. In fact, they’re sexy. All those that agree, say Aye.

[ silence amongst stunned Republicans and Democrats ]

Trent Lott: Mr. Chief Justice? That’s messed up.

Judge Rehnquist: [ quickly covering his tracks ] Those guys aren’t sexy. I was just trying to see if I could get you guys to say it. Okay, you know what? Enough! [ bangs gavel ] Now that we’ve broken the deadlock, back to the allowing of video testimony. All those in favor, say Aye..

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts