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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Weekend Update with Norm MacDonald

…..Norm MacDonald

Announcer: Weekend Update, with Norm MacDonald.

[ audience screams and cheers ]

Norm MacDonald: Hi! I’m Norm MacDonald, and now the fake news.

Our top story tonight: In an emotional press conference this week, Bob Dole announced that he was resigning from the U.S. Senate, where he has served for nearly three decades. Dole said he regretted leaving the Senate, but needed to focus all his energies on a goal many had once thought impossible: getting Bill Clinton re-elected.

Meanwhile, the Clinton administration has charged that the new Republican budget contains hidden tax breaks for big business and the wealthy. In response, Republiccan lawmakers said, “Shhhh!”

Arriving back in the U.S., after his week in London, O.J. Simpson was asked by a reporter why he hadn’t spent Mother’s Day with his children. A visibly annoyed Simpson replied, “Idiot! I didn’t spend Mother’s Day with my kids because I killed their mother!”

While in England, where he spoke at Oxford University, Simpson had defended actor Marlon Brando’s criticism of Hollywood Jews. Later, from his island hideaway, Brando sent O.J. a telegram, which read, “You’re not helping!”

According to this week’s Star Magazine, Unabomber suspect, Ted Kaczynski, is still a virgin at the age of 53. This isn’t too surpising, when you consider that Kaczynski’s best pick-up line was “My dirty woodshack or yours?”

At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out agaisnt same-sex marriages. What’s more, the President said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages, either.

According to published reports, M-TV News anchor Tabitha Soren has been romantically linked to journalist Michael Lewis. Soren denies the reports, claiming she doesn’t have time for a boyfriend because she’s too busy pretending not to be stupid.

It was revealed this week that mass murderer Richard Speck, while serving a lifetime sentence in prison, was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts, snorting cocaine, and having sex with a man. The film was apparently made with prison video equipment, and a $300,000 grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Tomorrow night on “60 Minutes”, Dr. Jack Kevorkian will sit for his first-ever in-depth interview. According to producers, Kevorkian agreed to the interview only on condition that it be conducted by veteran correspondent Andy Rooney. Wait! Don’t do it, Andy, it’s a trap! It’s a trap!

[ show cover of Vanity Fair, with t-shirt-clad Tom Cruise stretching his arms in front of a huge, flaming fire, with the headline “Cruise on Fire” ]

In an interview in this month’s Vanity Fair, actor Tom Cruise attempts to end, once and for all, rumors that he is gay.

While performing in New York this week, to a packed audience, Yoko Ono shocked the crowd by tearing up a bible. Most shocking of all: Yoko Ono performed to a packed audience.

This week, the FDA gave final approval to a device that prevents heart attacks by blasting the heart with a powerful jolt of electricity. If the device works properly, you will not have a heart attack. If it doesn’t work properly, you will have a giant heart attack.

Well, more O.J. Simpson news. On Friday, the Juice officially endorsed Bill Clinton for President, adding, “I’d like to help him any way I can.” To which the President replied, “Well, there is one thing.”
[ cut to photo of Hillary Clinton ]

And, finally tonight, we at Weekend Update salute a fellow journalist on his retirement. John Tesh is leaving his job at “Entertainment Tonight”, in order to concentrate on making horrible, horrible music.

Norm MacDonald: And that’s the way it is! See you next year, folks, have a good summer!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters

Jimmy Tango…..Jim Carrey
Male Audience Member…..Fred Wolf
Female Client…..Nancy Walls
Male Client…..Will Ferrell

[ Jimmy Tango runs onto stage, wild-haired and spastic ]
Jimmy Tango: Hi! Do you recognize this tub of crap? [ shows image of fat, bloated man with tiny head ] That’s me, three-and-a-half weeks ago! Since then, I’ve lost 155 pounds! [ claps ] Yes, you heard me right! I lost 155 pounds in less than three weeks! How did I lose all that gross fat? By combining the miracle of technology with ordinary street junkies! Producing this: Jimmy Tango’s Fat Busters! [ studio audience applauds ] It’s this simple: wear my patented vibrating heat-bead suit, then jam an unbelievable amount of pure, raw crystal meth into your system! You might ask, “Isn’t crystal meth illegal?” You bet! But my scientist, Dr. Cody, spends his days in a tin shed deep inside a smallcanyon outside San Bernadino, constantly altering the scientific formula of a bathtub crank that keeps us one step ahead the law, and keeps you one step ahead of the fat farm! Fatties, here’s my promise: wear my vibrating heat beads, while blasting down handfuls of crrystal meth, and you’ll drop weight so fast you’ll lose your mind! Any questions? You! [ points to audience member ]

Male Audience Member: Jimmy, I like what I hear, but even though I’m not a doctor, it sounds unhealthy. Does the kind of dramatic weight loss you describe have any side effects?

Jimmy Tango: [ makes spastic twitch ] You betcha! In mycase, when I close my eyes, all I see are spiders and snails! My skin is clammy! My mouth is very dry! I think of suicide nonstop! And five minutes ago, I vomited the strangest colors into my stage manager’s fanny pack! But you know what? The main side effect is, these days when I’m wearing a blue suit, and I yawn, people don’t try to stuff a letter into my mouth! [ laughs uncontrollably ] Get off!! Folks, if you’re serious about weight loss, then you shouldn’t be afraid to.. “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] Now! Let’s talk to some of my clients! [ makes spastic jump into the audience, grinning at Female Client ] Hi, Olive Oyl! Have you always been so thin, hmm??

Female Client: No! I used to be a 220-pound land monster!And, in eight days, by “Riding The Snake”.. [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] ..I lost 124 pounds! I’ve never had a date in my life, but two days ago, I made out with Scott Baio at a party! [ studio audience applauds her achievements ] Jimmy, by using your method, I really lost weight fast! Probably too fast! The stress you put on my body made me slip into the bowels of a red nightmare! I sleep in my oven! My hair falls out in clumps! I cry when I see a tree! And I burn symbols into my housepets with a curling iron! But it’s worth it, because, these days, when I’m wearing a black jumpsuit, I look like a closed umbrella! [ laughs ] Thank you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Tango: Hey, welcome to the club, Sliver! Start liking it! I lost 180 pounds in five days, and I’m.. ecstatic! [ jumps back on stage ] Let’s hear from someone else! You-ou-ou-ou! [ points to Male Client in audience ]

Male Client: [ dressed in heat-bead suit ] I’m taking those speed pills of yours, and I’m wearing the vibrating heat beads, and by “Riding your Snake”, not only have I lost 65 pounds in four days, but guess what? I found out I’m the Devil! And I will wash over the Earth, and the seas will run red with all the blood of all its sinners! I am reborn! And I’ve got YOU to thank, Jimmy Tango!

Jimmy Tango: [ hyper ] Sounds good! But talk is cheap! Scan me!

[ Jimmy holds his hand in front of Male Client, as they both growl and hiss at each other ]

Male Client: [ blood pouring fromhis head ] Aaagghhh!! Make it stop! Make it STOP, Jimmy!! Aaagghhhh!!

Jimmy Tango: Nice try, novice! But don’t mess with the maestro! So, there you have it, folks! Use Jimmy Tango’s method, and within days you’ll drop more weight than a Tijuana crack whore! Hey! If you’re a porky puke, don’t be afraid! Come “Ride The Snake!” [ “Ride The Snake” graphic zooms outward, spoken in a whisper ] And you’ll lose fat quick! If you dare!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spartan Cheerleaders

Principal…..Mark McKinney
Lochmiel…..Jim Carrey
Craig…..Will Ferrell
Arianna…..Cheri Oteri

[ open on interior, Principal’s office somewhere in Europe – Lochmiel enters talking through a bullhorn ]

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Good morning!

Principal: [ subtitles ] Please sit down. Lochmiel, your spiritannoys the other students. You must leave South Europe High.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] Where will I go?

Principal: [ subtitles ] You’re being sent to America as an exchange student.

Lochmiel: [ subtitles ] But I’ll miss my friends.

Principal: [ subtitles ] Too bad. So long.

[ cut to East Lake High’s Wrestling Tournament in America – non-Spartancheerleaders Craig and Arianna cheerleading the team on ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Mess him up! Mess him up!
We don’t care!
There’s a big red ambulance right over there!
Stitch him up and check his pulse,
Get ’em a bed pan!
The only one to call is Doc Kevorkian!
Hook ’em up, Let ’em drip,
Die!”

[ a pair of wrestlers topple at their feet ]

Arianna: Keep ’em on the mat! Keep ’em on the mat!

Craig: They’re sweaty! They’re sweaty! [ they sit on the bench ] I am so excited about Lochmiel joining our squad!

Arianna: I just don’t know, Craig – I don’t trust foreign spirit.

Craig: I know, but he’s a spirit machine – he never stops. Besides, he’s got some sizzling Euro moves!

Arianna: Alright, well, I guess he deserves a chance. Sorry Isnapped? [ she hugs Craig ]

[ Lochmiel runs up, speaking in his foreign language. He jumps up withCraig, then sits down and notices Arianna. ]

Lochmiel: You must be Arianna! Craig was right – you aretantalizing!

Arianna: Welcome to our country, Lochmiel. But let’s chin down, and chit-chat later, okay? [ notices the action in the match ] Oh, my God! Bridge, Tyler! Bridge, Tyler!

Craig: Bridge! Bridge! Bridge!

[ all three stand to cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Uh! Ungowa,
Spartans got the power!
We’re the winning tribe,
Just try to catch our vibe!
Nam yo ho reng gay chow!
Go Spartans!”

Craig: “Hey! Who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!”

Craig: “I said who’s that Spartan doin’ some Tai Chi?”

Arianna & Lochmiel: “It’s me! It’s me!

Together: “Uh-huh, Uh-huh,
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh!
Asian Immigrants!”

[ Ariana jumps into Lochmiel’s arms ]

Arianna: Lochmiel.. I don’t know.. I feel all.. squooshy inside..

Lochmiel: My.. groin.. feels to be petrified..

Craig: Arianna?

Arianna: What..?

Craig: Alexis wants you.

Arianna: Where is she..? [ looks up and yells towards Alexis ] What, Alexis? What? His name is “Lochmiel”. Yeah, he’s foreign, yeah, that means he has an accent and is kind of stinky. He’s kind of stinky! He stinks! I can’t hear! Call me later, okay! [ returns to Craig and Lochmiel ]

Craig: Oh, my God! Virgil’s caught in a half-nelson!

Arianna: Oh, my God! They need us now! More than ever!

[ the three of them stand up to do a rollercoaster cheer ]

Together: [ cheering ]
“Click-click-click-click-click-click!
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster.. of spirit!
Say what?
Spartan Coaster!”

[ Lochmiel starts to dance, as Craig and Arianna cheer him on ]

Arianna: Go, Lochmiel! go, Lochmiel!

[ Lochmiel drops something from his pocket – Craig bends down to pick it up ]

Craig: Lochmiel! You dropped your.. [ stunned, as he realizes what the object is ]

Arianna: [ examining object ] Dexatrim? But Lochmiel doesn’t have a weight problem! [ Lochmiel hyperactively dances past ] Craig! This means Lochmiel’s spirit..

Craig: ..comes in an easy-to-swallow tablet..

Lochmiel: Hey, my friends! What is being our next cheer is?

Arianna: [ upset ] It’s called “My Gums Are Bleeding Because I’mSo Hocked Up On Diet Pills!” [ cries into Craig’s arms ]

Craig: Do you know that cheer, Lochmiel, because I thinkthat you do!

Arianna: What we had ws real, Lochmiel – but you threw itall away! What were you thinking?

[ Craig returns the Dexatrim to Lochmiel ]

Lochmiel: [ over violin music ] I was.. fooling around with thewrong crowd.. when I learned that these pills would be the shortcut to the super-spirit. I have let you down now.

Craig: Lochmiel, super-spirit doesn’t come from a pharmacy. Itcomes from within.

Arianna: Yeah. The only prescription you need is the Perfect Cheer!

[ Lochmeil tosses the pills ]

Craig & Arianna: Now let’s blow this mother out!

Lochmiel: [ confused ] Do what to my mother?

Craig & Arianna: Let’s kick it!

Lochmiel: Oh.

[ they play “I Like Big Butts” – Craig and Lochmiel bend over, as Arianna simulates pumping their butts up to size ]

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Spade in America

…..David Spade

[Opens with David sitting at his desk]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Spade in America with David Spade.

[cheers and applause]

David Spade: All right. Good crowd. Well, good evening. I hope you guys are having fun. The show is been going good so far. Which you may noticed, there’s a lot of talented new cast members and we’ve gotten to know them pretty well during the past 20 shows. So, let’s take a quick review of this year’s group.

[photo pf Nancy Walls]

Nancy Walls. Sweet girl. She just got married before the start of the season. I’ve been to parties with Nancy and trust me, she ain’t that married.

[photo of Mark McKinney]

Hi. I’ve been in 40 sketches this season. Name one.

[photo of David Koechner]

David Koechner. Definitely the funniest guy around the office. Not this office, but still.

[photo of Colin Quinn]

Colin Quinn. This guy got his start on “MTV’s Remote Control”. Now there’s a whole generation of kids going: “Hey, is that Colin Quinn’s dad?”

[photos of Chris Kattan and Fred Wolf]

America, you decide. Feature players? Or a couple of extras from “The Birdcage”?

[audience groans]

It’s a hit movie!

[photo of Tim Meadows]

Tim Meadows. Never met him–[applause] yeah. Didn’t get to meet him. Heard he’s funny.

[photo of Molly Shannon]

Mmmm, don’t know…

[photo of Darrell Hammond]

not sure…

[photo of Will Ferrell]

…looks familiar….

[ photo of Cheri Oteri]

…did her, didn’t know she worked here. Look, I’m just messing around. This is obviously a great new cast, lot of new friends. “The Hollywood Minute” is just my was of expressing love. So, if you have a second I thought we take a look back at some of my favorite “Hollywood Minutes” from the past. So, get out your hankies and let’s take a look back at me being an ass.

[cut to Hollywood Minute segments from the early 90’s. Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays]

[photo of Michael Bolton]

Michael Bolton. Big star, popular musician. But guess what? You’re bald and we all know it. I don’t care how long you’re growing your hair on the back, we know what’s happening on top. I know you sold 9 million albums, but guess what? I don’t know anybody that has one.

[cut to another segment, photo of Cindy Crawford]

I saw that new Charly perfume commercial where Cindy Crawford sings…yikes! [mockingly sings monotone] “And the call it…tone deaf”. How can you do this? Cindy, what was going through your mole?

[another segment, photo of Erik Estrada dressed as Punch from “Chips”]

Hi. I need work.

[another segment, photo of Latoya Jackson]

Latoya Jackson. Latoya, out of all the Jacksons, how screwed up you have to be to be known as the crazy one?

[another segment, photo of MC Hammer]

[to the tune of “Can’t touch this”]

Do, dodo, do, dodo, dodo…it’s over.

[another segment, Steve Martin’s movie poster “Leap of Faith”]

And Steve Martin’s “Leap of Faith”. I was gonna see it, but I was sick that day.[Steve appears behind David sipping a drink, audience roars] He, uh…oh, yeah, oh yeah.

[another segment, poster for the film “The Bodyguard”]

And I also sat through “The Bodyguard”. [mocking Whitney Houston’s mega hit “I’ll always love you”] And… I-I-I-I-ahi-I-ahi-I-I-I want my money back.

[another segment, photo of child star Macaulay Culkin]

Hi. First off, your dad is nuts. Secondly, let me tell you something kid. You’re cute. You got blond hair, everyone loves you. It’s true. Here’s the catch. [photo of a 10 year old David Spade appears next to Macaulay’s photo, they’re almost identical] I used to look exactly like you when I was ten. Right. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. [points at himself] This is where you’re headed, buddy! Welcome to hell!

[Bette Midler’s song “From a Distance” plays. Cut to David back live dabbing his eyes with a napkin. Big applause.]

MC Hammer jokes still make me a little misty. By the way, my former hairstylist and me are still in litigation. Anyway, it’s been a fun 6 years and uh, it hasn’t really…uh, hasn’t really. It’s been mostly mind games, but still it had it moments. Like the time I saw Elle McPherson in a quick change booth naked, accidentally. [darts eyes around] Anyway, you guys, thanks for sitting through that. Have a nice summer. We’ll see you soon.

[Spade in America logo]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Roxbury Guys

Steve Butabi…..Will Ferrell
Doug Butabi…..Chris Kattan
Fellow Roxbury Guy…..Jim Carrey

Music: “What is Love”, Haddaway.

[ open on a busy New York York Street, 10:00 PM ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile. Steve and Doug Butabi and Fellow RoxburyGuy cruise to their favorite club as they bop their heads back and forth. ]

[ cut to exterior, China Club, 10:20 PM ]

[ interior, China Club. The crowd parts down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the bar. They turn around to check out the ladies who might be checking them out. ]

Doug Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Heeeey! Wanna dance? No? Okay, don’t worry about it! [ returns to the bar ]

Steve Butabi: [ jumps to the front of the crowd ] Hey, you wannadance? No? Alright.[ returns to the bar ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ jumps to the front of the crowd, bopping his head back and forth ] Who’s gonna dance? You, me? You, me? [ woman steps forward to dance with him. He struts a few moves, then he and the Butabis bounce her across each others’ chest until a bouncer throws them out of the club. ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 10:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys smoke cigarettes to the beat of their favorite song. One at a time, they toss their cigarettes out the window – except for the Fellow Roxbury Guy, who drops his cigarette in the car, as the three of them panic to put it out. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: It’s okay! It’s out!

Steve Butabi: [ relieved ] Alright!

[ cut to exterior, Kennedy High School Prom, 11:00 PM. ]

[ interior, Kennedy High School. The prom students part down the middle to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads at the punch bowl. They turn around to check out the teenaged girls. ]

Doug Butabi: Hey, you wanna dance, huh? Me? Him?

All Three Roxbury Guys: [ simultaneously ] Me? Him? Him? Me?Me? Me? Him? Him? Me? Him? Him!

Doug Butabi: [ to Steve ] It’s you!

[ Steve steps up to a young couple, pushes the guy aside and hogs the co-ed all to himself ]

Co-ed: [ annoyed ] Hey! What are you doing?

[ Doug and the Fellow Roxbury Guy cut in to bounce the co-ed across their chests. She runs off, leaving the three Roxbury Guys to bounce each other across their chests. A chaperone barges in and shoves them away from the prom. ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:20 PM. The Roxbury Guys talk to each other on cellphones ]

Doug Butabi: What’s up?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. It’s Steve! What’s up?

Fellow Roxbury Guy: I’m in the back, just working it! What’s upwith you?

Steve Butabi: Nothing. Later!

[ they hang up their phones and toss them out of the windows ]

[ cut to exterior, Glendale Catering Hall, 11:30 PM. ]

[ interior, Glendale Catering Hall. A newlywed couple are dancing at their reception. The camera slowly zooms out to reveal the three Roxbury Guys bopping their heads next to the wedding cake. They move forward to grab a piece of the bride for themselves, bouncing her across their chests. ]

Groom: [ angry ] Hey, come on!

Steve Butabi: [ confused ] What?!

Groom: Get off! [ pushes the Roxbury Guys out of the reception hall ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, 11:45 PM. The Roxbury Guys are enjoying their song when the CD player stops ]

Doug Butabi: [ panicking ] Something’s wrong with the CD! [ pulls it out and holds it up ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: [ frightened ] What the hell is going on?![glances at CD ] Dust! [ blows on the CD, as Doug puts it back in the CD. The song plays. The catastrophe averted, they continue to bop their heads to the music and drive through the night. ]

[ cut to exterior, Golden Age Retirement Home, 11:50 PM. ]

[ interior, Golden Age Retirement Home. The Roxbury Guys are feeding and hitting upon elderly women. ]

[ cut to interior, Roxbury-mobile, Midnight. The Roxbury Guys hold theelderly women in their laps and make out as they cruise through the night. Fellow Roxbury Guy opens his mouth and pulls out his date’s dentures, holding them proudly in the air. ]

Fellow Roxbury Guy: Souvenir!

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

The Joe Pesci Show

Joe Pesci…..Jim Breuer
Jimmy Stewart…..Jim Carrey
Jim Carrey…..Mark McKinney

Announcer: Welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show”. Here he is now, my brother, Joe Pesci.

[ CUT TO: Joe Pesci on his talk show set. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey! Hey, everyone, welcome to “The Joe Pesci Show.” I’m Joe Pesci! Huh? Nice, huh? Got my desk here, got my mike here, got my ice pick here – I got everything! Okay, this “Joe Pesci Show” is special, because tomorrow marks the 88th birthday of one of the greatest actors of all-time and he was my boyhood idol. And he’s here tonight! Please welcome, the legendary Jimmy Stewart!

[ Jimmy Stewart waddles out and sits on the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: Have a seat, have a seat… Mr. Stewart, welcome to my show.

Jimmy Stewart: Nice to see you, Johnny!

[ Joe gives the hand signal for senility to the audience. ]

Joe Pesci: Now Jimmy, you may be 88, but as they say, “You’re only as old as you feel.” Huh?

Jimmy Stewart: Well, then I probably died six years ago.

[ Stewart pulls out a piece of paper from his inner coat pocket. ]

Joe Pesci: This guy over here… You know, Jimmy, when I was a kid, you were my boyhood idol. And I always dreamt that one day —

Jimmy Stewart: I have a poem!!

Joe Pesci: And I had a story! But since I’m going to be around here next week, well you go ahead…

[ Joe starts puffing on a cigar. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon… go ahead…

[ Stewart scans over the paper. ]

Jimmy Stewart: “Little Trout” by Jim Stewart —
‘I woke one day for a taste for trout.
So I got into my boat and headed out.’

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! That was a great poem, Jimmy! My next guest is —

Jimmy Stewart:
‘He spotted my bait and began to give chase.
When my hook went and ripped into his fishy face.
Then he looked at me like I was his friend.
So I let him go and went out for a good piece of steak.’

Joe Pesci: Hey! That was a great and beautiful story. You know what though? That reminds me of this story of when I was stabbing this guy’s head in Sheepshead Bay, you know? And I was sitting there and he was looking at me with that one good eye, you know? And I got to tell you – I was touched. I killed him anyway! Let’s bring on our next guest. A real funny guy. Here he is — Jim Carrey! He’s here!

[ Jim Carrey mugs it up as he walks in and seats himself next to Jimmy Stewart. ]

Jim Carrey: Good to see you, Joe! How are you, Mr. Stewart? Still breathing? Are you!?

[ Carrey chuckles madly. ]

Joe Pesci: Look at this guy over here…

Jimmy Stewart: Who is this clown?

Jim Carrey: Say there! Let me introduce myself…

[ Carrey hops on the couch, turns his backside to Stewart’s face, and starts playing with his ass cheeks. ]

Jim Carrey: ‘Hi there! I’m Jim Carrey! Pleased to meet ya!’

[ Carrey sits down. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Smoke a lot of dope, son? That’s a rhetorical question!

Jim Carrey: Re-eeaa-hea-lly?

[ Stewart leans into Joe’s ear. ]

Jimmy Stewart: This fellow mugs so much, you should put a handle on the side of his head.

Joe Pesci: Now Jim, I understand you do a great impression of Jimmy Stewart. Why don’t you do it? I love it. I saw you do it.

Jim Carrey: Well… I’d rather talk about my movie “The Cable Guy” opening June 14th, but here it goes [mimics Stewart’s voice] I’m Jimmy Stewart. I’m incredibly old!

Jimmy Stewart: Completely untalented! Let me show you how it’s done, son.

[ Stewart slowly rises up. ]

Joe Pesci: Take your time.

Jimmy Stewart: Here’s an impression for you…

[ Stewart his back to the camera then faces it. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I’m Jim Carrey. I’ll do anything for a laugh! I’ll do anything for attention 24 hours a day! LOOK AT ME!! LOOK AT ME!!!

[ Stewart sits down. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Look over here! This guy knows what he’s doing.

Jim Carrey: Nice try, old timer! But I don’t think so.

Joe Pesci: Hey, hey! Wait a second, here! Mr. Jimmy Stewart’s impression is not good enough for Jim Carrey? Huh?

Jim Carrey: Nope.

Joe Pesci: Oh… Well, I think I got an impression you just might like, Mr. Carrey.

[ Joe gets out of his chair and goes behind the couch. ]

Joe Pesci: It goes a little something like this… ‘Riddle me this, riddle me that, say hello to my big, fat bat!’

[ Joe pulls out a baseball bat and clocks Carrey over the head. Carrey exits the set. ]

Joe Pesci: Now the kid’s ready to do “Numb and Number”!

Jimmy Stewart: I have never agreed with gratuitous violence.

Joe Pesci: Yeah! Me neither!

[ Joe clocks Stewart over the head. Stewart falls to the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: What am I!? Some violent canoli sucking criminal to you!

[ Joe walks over to Stewart’s body. ]

Joe Pesci: You’re an American icon and I’m some ethnic moron!

[ Stewart arises from the floor. ]

Joe Pesci: Is that what’s going on?

Jimmy Stewart: That about sums it up! You midget mobster greaseball!!

Joe Pesci: Oh really? Well, it’s been a wonderful life, Jimmy. Unfortunately, it’s time to say goodbye!

[ Joe swings the bat at Stewart, who blocks the swing and manages to snag the bat. ]

Joe Pesci: Hey… what are you doing?

Jimmy Stewart: This is a nice baseball bat. I wonder what it would look like — buried in your ass.

Joe Pesci: You think so?

Jimmy Stewart: HEY HARVEY! GET HIM!

Joe Pesci: Who’s Harvey?

[ Joe turns around to see “Harvey”. Stewart slugs the bat at him over and over. Joe screams in pain. ]

Jimmy Stewart: I kind of like this feeling… Makes me feel young again…

[ Joe gets up. ]

Joe Pesci: C’mon Jimmy… Let’s talk about this.

Jimmy Stewart: SHUT UP, GREASEBALL!

[ Stewart jabs the knob of the bat into Joe’s testicles and then into his forehead. Joe falls behind his desk. ]

Jimmy Stewart: You hear that, Clarence? Every time a Guido sings, an angel gets his wings.

[ Stewart looks into the camera. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Excuse me, son. You can shut off the camera now. Show’s over.

[ The camera stays focused. ]

Jimmy Stewart: Hey! I’m talking to you! Son of a bitch thinks I’m playing games. Well, here’s a game for you…

[ Stewart swings the bat at the camera. The lens cracks. Stewart spits into the lens. ]

Jimmy Stewart: NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF THE ELDERLY.[singing]

“Happy Birthday to Me..”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. Bob Dole…..Norm MacDonald

[ open on stock footage of Sen. Bob Dole delivering a speech ]

Sen. Bob Dole: Thank you very much!

Ted Koppel V/O: After 28 years in the Senate.. Bob Dole calls it quits.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” opening ]

Announcer: This is “Nightline.” Reporting live, from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: In what many are calling a political Hail Mary pass, Bob Dole, this week, resigned from the Senate, in order to devote his full energies to the presidential campaign. Here to discuss this surprising decision, is Senator – soon to be former Senator – Bob Dole.

[ cut to Bob Dole, as the audience cheers heroically ]

Sen. Bob Dole: How do you do, Ted? How do you do?

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, you certainly seem to be in an ebulient mood.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles ] Well, uh – this week, Ted, with my resignation from the Senate, we’ve begun my campaign anew. I think the American people are going to give us a second look.

Ted Koppel: Senator, has the mood in your campaign been dampered at all by President Clinton’s rather startling press conference today?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ chuckles nervously ] What press conference?

Ted Koppel: The one that concluded a few hours ago? Let’s take a look.

Sen. Bob Dole: [ more nervously ] What press conference would that be?

[ dissolve to taped footage of President Bill Clinton standing behind a podium on the White House lawn ]

[ SUPER: “The White House, Earlier Today” ]

President Bill Clinton: Thank you for coming. First off, I would like to thank Senator Dole for his decades of service to our country. The Senate will be a poorer place for his absence. But I do know why he resigned.. and it got me to thinking. So, effective immediately, I am resigning from the office of the President of the United States —

[ quick cut to Bob Dole looking agitated ]

[ cut back to Clinton speaking ]
President Bill Clinton: — so that my duties will not distract me from my presidential campaign. Furthermore, to ensure that absolutely nothing interferes with my quest for the presidency, earlier today, in a District of Columbia public court, I filed for divorce from my wife, Hillary, on the grounds that she was a big distraction. Thank you.

[ cut back to Ted Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Mr. Dole, your thoughts?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh — [ drops his pen ]

Ted Koppel: It would seem the President has one-upped you.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh, not at all, Ted. In fact, after much soul searching, prayer, and consultation with my wife, Elizabeth, I’ve decided that I, uh – well, uh, in order to give the Amercian people the kind of presidential campaign that they deserve – well, I can’t do it like Bill Clinton, as just a man. That’s why I intend to undergo a series of medical procedures which will permit me to campaign, not as a man, but as a kind of half-man/ half-woman. Some kind of an androgynous sex neuter.

Ted Koppel: That is absolutely astounding, Mr. Dole! I mean, how’s this going to be accomplished?

Sen. Bob Dole: [ fumbling for words ] Well, uh – uh – ah, I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it, Ted! It’s kind of a grisly thing there, but I think the American people will agree that we’ve had too much of the whole male-female gridlock on Capitol Hill, and it’s time to move beyond that! Uh – well, the new gender-neutral Bob Dole is the candidate who can do it!

Ted Koppel: In other words, you plan to run – not as Bob Dole, Senate Majority Leader from Kansas, but as Bob Dole, she-male? Forgive me, Senator, but a cynic might say this is just a way of dealing with the gender gap issue, and a rather unsavory one at that.

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – okay, Ted, how about this: Bob Dole. Not male, not female – not even human! Bob Dole, beam of pure energy! [ chuckles triumphantly ] How about that! It never tires, it never ages!

Ted Koppel: Senator, even assuming you could be converted into pure energy, where would this beam of energy be stored?

Sen. Bob Dole: Well, uh – well, the Bob Dole energy beam would be stored in a – in a – crystal! And then, when Congress was ready to pass real welfare reform, real deficit reduction, why Bob Dole, why, he’d, uh – he’d simply jump out of the crystal and materialize!

Ted Koppel: Like – like Obi-wan Kinobi?

Sen. Bob Dole: Yeah. Whoever that is, sure.

Ted Koppel: Senator, to be honest, I liked the she-male idea better.

Sen. Bob Dole: You did, huh? Well, uh – ah, well, you’re right, Ted Koppel! Who the hell am I kidding? I don’t have a Chinaman’s chance in this election.

Ted Koppel: I-I wouldn’t say that, Senator.

Sen. Bob Dole: Hey, hey, what about that! Bob Dole, Chinaman! Yeah! Hard working, good at math!

Ted Koppel: [ shakes his head ] Senator, I’m gonna stop now before you embarrass yourself any further.

Sen. Bob Dole: Ah, you call that embarrassment, huh? I’ll give you embarrassment right now. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Jim Carrey’s Monologue

…..Jim Carrey
Audience Member…..Adam McKay

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Jim Carrey!

Jim Carrey: [ moves his body like a robot, stretches his arms out toward the audience ] People of New York! I mean you no harm! Do not fear me! I come, not to destroy, but to brighten your lives through laughter and merriment! In exchange, I ask nothing more than your unconditional surrender! To “The Cable Guy”! Opening June 14th! And, perhaps, a crack at one of your freaky super models!

Our worlds are similar, yet different! Where I come from, minimum wage is $20 million! Yet, somehow, I manage to make ends meet! Some of your ways I do not undetand. Like the phrase “Over the top.” I do not understand this! where I come from, spastic facial contortions are considered the ultimate in artistic achievement! And talking out of one’s buttcrack, a sign of personal confidence!

[ the audience cheers, as Carrey lowers his arms and motions to the control booth ]

Jim Carrey: Can we just hold on for a second? Just hold on. Something is bothering me. There’s something very wrong here. You know, I’ve been up here trying to make you guys laugh since I got out here. But there’s one guy who’s really bothering me, because he’s got a stone face, and he’s not even smiling, and he’s right in the front row!

[ cut to audience member sitting stone-faced in the front row of the audience ]

And it’s really starting to get to me, you know? This guy, right here. [ points to the man and steps toward him ] Hey! What’s the problem, buddy?

Audience Member: I’m just not crazy about this whole spaceman thing, you know? It’s kind of going over my head. Can’t you be more like you are in the movies?

Jim Carrey: Oh, I see? A little smart for ya’, huh? I know what you want. [ returns to the Home Base ] You want me to come out here and go: “Allllrighty, then!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I know that! I know that!

Jim Carrey: I bet you’d love it if I just threw out the whole monologue, and went, “Ssssssssomebody stop me!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] I knew it! That’s the good thing you do!

Jim Carrey: You want the Jim Carrey who goes: “Le-hoo.. sue-her!” Or: [ spins once ] “Ssssssssmokin’!”

[ audience cheers ]

Audience Member: [ laughing along ] That’s what I know! Yeah!

Jim Carrey: In that case.. [ sticks his teeth out wide ] “Let me show you something! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!” Soundgarden is here tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Stick around, and watch me sell out big time!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 21: Episode 20

95t: Jim Carrey / Soundgarden

Overprotective Lifeguard

Man…..Will Ferrell
Lifeguard…..Jim Carrey
Lap Swimmer…..Tim Meadows

[ open on Man relaxing in an indoor jacuzzi, as a freaky-looking Lifeguard enters ]

Lifeguard: [ standing over jacuzzi, blowing a whistle ] Norough-housing.. in the jacuzzi! Settle down, please!

Man: You’re, uh.. you’re talking to me?

Lifeguard: Cut the horseplay, Sir.. or I’ll be forced to eject you from the swimming facility.. thank you, so much!

Man: I’m sorry.. uh.. who exactly are you?

Lifeguard: [ sits atop lifeguard chair and points at “Lifeguard On Duty” sign ] Lifeguard on Duty, Sir! If you don’t mind, I have to watch the water! [ stares intently at the water in the jacuzzi ]

Man: You’re the lifeguard for the little jacuzzi here?

Lifeguard: Correct, Sir! Continue splashing, and I’ll be forced to ban you from all aquatic activity! Thank you!

Man: you know, I’m just splashing water on myself, on my face..

Lifeguard:

Man: But I’m the only guy in this jacuzzi right now..

Lifeguard: I am on watch, Sir.. I cannot have thisconversation right now! [ stares at jacuzzi through binoculars – notices Man stretch himself across the jacuzzi, so he whips out a bullhorn ] ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! ATTENTION, SWIMMER!! YOU ARE TOO FAR!! RETURN IMMEDIATELY!!

Man: Are you talking to me?

Lifeguard: [ waving naval flags ] Slide back to the wall! You are blocking the bubble jets! Repeat! You are blocking the bubble jets!

Man: Alright, fine.. [ slides back ] Is right here good?

Lifeguard: Watch that underow, Sir! It’ll blow you right out! [ gets up and throws divider rope across half of the jacuzzi ] Watch out!

Man: Wait.. what is this..?

Lifeguard: Siz o’clock, Sir! This side of the pool is for lap swimming only!

Man: What?

[ Lap Swimmer enters ]

Lifeguard: Afternoon, Mr. Garson!

Lap Swimmer: Good to see you, Frank!

[ Lifeguard blows his whistle, signalling the Lap Swimmer to jump in the jacuzzi and proceed to swim mini-laps back and forth for a minute ]

Lifeguard: [ blowing whistle ] Lap time is over!

Lap Swimmer: [ getting out of jacuzzi ] Whoo! That felt great! [ exits ]

Lifeguard: [ blows whistle at the Man ] Resume general swim!

Man: [ stands up to dry himself ]

Lifeguard: [ points bullhorn at Man’s face ] NO DIVING, SIR!!NO DIVING!!

Man: I’m not diving..!

Lifeguard: [ through bullhorn ] THE ENTIRE STAFF APPRECIATES YOUR COOPERATION!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!

Man: [ sits back down and massages his foot ] Oooh.. ahh.. ow..

Lifeguard: Is there an emergency, Sir?!

Man: No! I just got a small cramp in my toe..

Lifeguard: CRAMP?! [ rushes to wall to grab life preserver and arm floaties ] Everyone, be calm! Stay away from this area! There’s nothing to see here!

Man: You’re not talking about me, are you..?

Lifeguard: Swimmer, do not panic! I am a trained professional lifesaver! [ dives into the jacuzzi and rescues the struggling Man ] Do not fight me, Sir! Just relax!

Man: What the hell are you doing!!

Lifeguard: [ throws Man against the side of the jacuzzi and snaps fingers in front of his eyes ] Can you hear me, Sir!

Man: Yes, I can you!

Lifeguard: Can you hear me!

Man: Yes!

Lifeguard: [ starts pounding on Man’s chest, hoping to revive him ] Nooo! It’s not your time yet! [ pulls Man forward and gives him mouth-to-mouth, much to the Man’s chagrin ]

Man: [ struggles free, upset ] I’m okay!! I AM OKAY!! You know, I don’t appreciate this! This is HORRIBLE!!

Lifeguard: That’s okay, Sir! You don’t have to thank me! You’ve been exposed to a horrible trauma! Just play it safe from now on! I think I’m gonna go for a little swim!

[ still inside life preserver, Lifeguarddives underwater, as the Man quickly exits the jacuzzi, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts