SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 6

92f: Michael Keaton / Morrissey

Bush Calls Contributors

President George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Marybeth…..Julia Sweeney
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, White House ]

[ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George Bush speaking over the telephone and making wild hand gestures ]

President George Bush: Well, well.. so, once again, thanks to you and.. Margaret over there.. for your generous financial contribution, to our campaign. Bar and I certainly appreciate it. Sorry I let you down. No, no – my fault. A couple of things I wished I’d done a little different. Right. Right. Shouldn’t have called them “bozos”! [ chuckles ] I was whipped up! I was whipped up! That was crazy! [ laughs ] No, no, you’re right. Tou’re right. It was BAAAAD! BAAAAD!! BAAAAD!! Alright. Well, uh.. love to, uh — [ consults sheet of paper on his desk ] To Margaret, there. Okay. Bye! [ hangs up the phone, turns to his advisor seated next to him ] Alright, well, uh — who’s next, there?

Marybeth: [ looks among her notes ] Uh — Whitney Henderson; Covington, Kentucky.

President George Bush: Alright. [ takes the note card, dials the phone ] Whit? Whit? G-George Bush. Just called to thank you and, uh — [ glances at the card ] Louise, there, for your, uh, generous financial contribution. Sorry I let you down, there. No, no, you’re right — you know, you break a pledge like that, people just hold it against you. So, uh — [ glances at his notes ] how’s the grandson, little Nathan, there? [ smiles ] You know, I’m gonna be getting in the grandchildren business myself! Yeah, I think it could be — what? Sure. Call-waiting. Sure. Take it. Go ahead, I’ll hold. [ waits patiently for an extended period of time ] W-whit? You-you back? You know, looking back at the election — in a way, I’m kind of relieved. I — what? You gotta take it? No, I understand. Go ahead. Go right — [ holds the phone in front of himself, realizing he’s been hung up on; sighs, returns the cradle ] Bad.

Marybeth: Are you alright, Sir?

President George Bush: Well, how many more of these we got?

Marybeth: Well, about fifteen-hundred contributors to go, Sir.

President George Bush: Whew! Oh boy, that’s, uh — everyone who gave five-hundred or more, right?

Marybeth: Yes, Sir.

President George Bush: Well.. can we make the cutoff right there around five-twenty-five, in there?

Marybeth: That would be a big help, Sir.

President George Bush: Alright. Well, let’s do that, then. Who’s next?

Marybeth: [ dialing the phone ] Charles Blackburn, of Wilmat, Illinois. [ Bush nods ] Oh! Hello, Mr. Charles Blackburn? Mr. Blackburn, I have President George Bush on the line. Hello? [ drops the receiver ] Another hang-up, sir.

President George Bush: [ sighs ] You want to take a break there, Marybeth?

Marybeth: Alright, sir, I’ll just get back to the files. [ stands ] Um — oh, uh, I got that information that you wanted.

President George Bush: Oh, and – and what’s that?

Marybeth: Uh, William Howard Taft. William Howard Taft, the last sitting President to receive less than 40% of the vote.

President George Bush: Right, right, right — well, thank you, Marybeth.

Marybeth: Alright, thank you. You’re very welcome.

President George Bush: Uh, Marybeth? Could you hang on here for a minute? Why don’t you have a seat – love to talk to you. [ she sits ] You know, this whole – this whole electrion defeat thing, there, not all my fault, as you know. Business cycle there — you with me? Doing that downward spiral thing it does. [ motions his hands in a circle ] Doing that down in there — see that ltitle cycle down in there? Like a little tornado, going all over the place, there. That whole negative area! People were hurting. It was bad. It was BAD!! BADDD!!

Marybeth: Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir.

President George Bush: Now, as you remember, Marybeth — that-that February ’91 approval rating – well, right up there, isn’t that a beauty? [ motions his hands high ] Look at that. Look at that rating – right up there, nice and high! November ’92? [ lowers his hands ] Down on that flat zone right down there. I should have recognized the recession earlier. Didn’t think it was prudent at this juncture. Advisors wanted me to do it — I told ’em, “Nah gah do it.” Didn’t do it. I was wrong. I was wrong. And Dan Quayle? Never did quite gain acceptance.

Marybeth: Not fully, Sir.

President George Bush: No. [ waves his hands forward ] Gotta look to the future! Look out there in that future — got that grandchildren business going. See how that goes out there. Not-not a pledge. Didn’t say “Read my lips” or anything — just a pledge to spend time with those grandkids of mine, down in that whole grandkid area where they stay at. Well, the American people have spoken. Time for me to, uh.. step aside. So, to sum up, Marybeth: business cycle, down there like a cyclone; not recognizing recession, big mistake; Dan Quayle, never did quite gain acceptance.

Marybeth: [ stands ] Oh. Uh, Sir, I almost forgot — it’s 11:30, and President-Elect clinton is about to go on CNN.

President George Bush: Well, thank you, Marybeth. [ he picks up a remote and turns the TV on ]

[ show Presidential seal on the TV screen ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – the President-Elect of the United States.

[ dissolve onto Bill Clinton, smiling ]

Bill Clinton: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

[ audience cheers, as Bush shakes his head glumly and slumps in his chair ]

President George Bush: I — I — I used to say that!

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
November 14th, 1992

Michael Keaton

Morrissey

None

Morrissey, “Glamorous Glue”

Bush Calls Contributors

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Michael Keaton’s Monologue

Chameleon XLE

Elevator Trainee

The Gutenberg Awards

Morrissey performs “Glamorous Glue”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Recurring Characters: Hank Fielding.

Mean-Spirited Office Humor

The New Suzanne

Grandsons

Morrissey performs “Suedehead”

Outweek

Goodnights

SNL Transcripts

Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Stuart Smalley…..Al Franken

Stuart Smalley V/O: I deserve good things. I am entitled to my share of happiness. I refuse to beat myself up. I am attractive person. I am fun to be with.

Announcer: “Daily Affirmation with Stuart Smalley”. Stuart Smalley is a caring nurturer, a member of several 12-step programs, but not a licensed therapist.

[ open on Stuart giving himself a pep talk in his full-length mirror ]

Stuart Smalley: I’m gonna do a terrific show today, and I’m gonna help people because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.

Hello. I’m Stuart smalley. Uh.. before I start the Halloween show, I just want to make amdes for yesterday’s show, in which I said Madonna was shame-based and sick in her own disease. I.. I had no right to take Madonna’s inventory. As we say in Program, when you point a finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you.. and.. I guess.. a thumb pointing up at God. Or something. Whatever. I don’t know. I’m sorry. Okay.

Anyway, today is Halloween, and I decided to wear a costume, as a treat to my inner child. It’s a skeleton, because it’s scary, and because it reminds me that I’m a human being. And that’s.. okay. That’s what I am. And, besides, I think it makes me look thinner. Now, I had thought of trying to come up with something a little more creative or original, like dressing up as a feeling. But what does dread look like, you know, other than my mother? Anyway, of course I’m gonna be home tonight when all the little ghosts and goblins knock on my door “Trick-or-treat.” And I decided not to give out any candy, because I don’t want to enable any little sugar addicts, which, believe me, I was. I used to go home with my big bag of candy and eat it all in one night, and get sick and try to puke.. but I couldn’t, and that’s why I weighed nearly 300 pounds. Believe me, binging was not a problem; purging, I ust could not do. So, instead of candy this year, I’ve decided to give out rice cakes. A few kids might be disappointed, but that’s.. okay. It’s their problem.

Anyway, tonight I’ve decided to do something a little different. Take a risk. Tonight, I’m going to tell a scary story. You’re going to be frightened, but that’s.. okay. It’s Halloween. It’s appropriate. Okay. Now, close your eyes. Come on, only you can help you. That’s good. Okay.

It’s a dark, dark night. And this 12-year-old girl is at home babysitting for her little brother and sister, who are asleep upstairs. And she’s really scared, because it’s a big house, and because it’s a dysfunctinoal family, and it’s just a scary place to begin with. When suddenly, the phone rings. She picks up, and the voice on the other end says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And the girl says, “What?” And the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] So she hangs up the phone, now she’s really scared! So she runs upstairs and checks on the kids, and they’re fine, so she goes back downstairs. But she’s really scared, so she eats soem Sara Lee, or something.

And then, the phone rings again. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] Well, now she’s really scared, and she calls up the operator and says, “I’m getting all these weird calls, and it’s scary!” And the operator says, “Hang up, and we’ll stay on the line and see if we can trace it.”

So, the girl hangs up the phone, and right away the phone rings. She picks it up, and the voice says.. [ mumbles incoherently ] And just then, the operator jumps on the line and says, “The call’s coming from inside the house! It’s your father, and he’s been drinking!”

Isn’t that scary? But don’t worry, it’s okay. The operator reported the incident to the Department of Youths and Family Services. They did the intervention, the father is in AA, the girl’s in Al-ateen, and the whole family’s in therapy. Now, isn’t that a great Halloween story. It’s scary, but with a positive ending.

You know what, I think this has been one of my best shows ever! And, you know what? I deserve it. Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 5

92e: Catherine O’Hara / 10,000 Maniacs

Richmeister’s Halloween

Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Larry…..Chris Rock
Randy…..Kevin Nealon
Fabio…..David Spade
Steve…..Phil Hartman
Laura…..Catherine O’Hara
Death…..Terry Turner

[Larry enters the Copy Room dressed as Captain Hook]

Richmeister: Captain Hook! The Hookmeister! Larry from Accounting! Peg Leg a Rama!

Larry: Hey Rich. Just makin’ some copies of directions to the party tonight.

Richmeister: Alright! The Walk the Plankster! Makin’ copies! Baron Von Plankenstein!

Larry: See ya, Rich. [exits]

Richmeister: No directions for the Richmeister! Must think I already know the way!

[Randy enters the Copy Room dressed as Madonna]

Richmeister: Madonna! The dirty Bookenator! 50 bucks, too expensive for the Richmeister!

Randy: Hey Richmeister, just making some copies.

Richmeister: The Randstress, very comfortable as a woman!

Randy: Deal with it, Rich. [leaves]

[Fabio enters the Copy Room dressed in a generic ghost costume]

Richmeister: Alright, the Halloween classic, the scary ghost! Ghostiferus scariamus! Alright, it’s Bob! [silence] Tony, from shipping! [silence] No? Hmmm. Fabio from the mailroom! The colognemeister!

Fabio: That’s me, Rich.

Richmeister: Alright! Admiral Brute of the S.S. Old Spice! Free with ten dollar purchase!

[Fabio exits, and Steve enters wearing his usual suit]

Richmeister: Steve! No costume for the Steve-man! Big Chief No Fun from the I Don’t Wanna Tribe!

Steve: No, Rich, I’ve got a costume. It’s just that Randy and I both came as Madonna, and I’m really upset about it. I had my heart set on it. [leaves]

Richmeister: Steve? Steve-O…

[Laura enters the Copy Room dressed as Marie Antoinette]

Laura: Hi Rich, happy Halloween!

Richmeister: Alright! Marie Antoinette, the Let Them Eat Cakestress!

Laura: Nope, it’s just me, Laura.

Richmeister: Senorita Guillotina!

Laura: No, this is from before the Revolution, Rich.

Richmeister: Mademoiselle No-Head! The Great Stumpkin! The Bloody Stumptress!

Laura: You’re getting disgusting.

Richmeister: The Mayor of Choppaquiddick! [Laura leaves]

[Death enters the Copy Room]

Richmeister: Death! Makin’ copies! The Grim Reapster!

Death: I have come for you.

Richmeister: Roger, from payroll! Know that voice anywhere!

Death: I have come to take you, Richard Laymer. I am Death.

Richmeister: Not Roger! Tragedy befalls the Richman. Hmmm, wonderin’ how I die?

Death: Radiation from the copy machine.

Richmeister: Ironic! The Death Man! Takin’ me to the great beyond! Callin’ in my number! Takin’ me to the other side! Harvester of souls! The Soul Man! James Brown, the Hardest Working Man in Death Business! Sheriff Doom of the Tombstone Corral! Uncle Dirt Nap! Death… [Death leaves in disgust]

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

Ross Perot Press Conference

Press Secretary…..Julia Sweeney
Reporter #1…..Rob Schneider
Reporter #2…..Kevin Nealon
Reporter #3…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #4…..Adam Sandler
Reporter #5…..Tim Meadows

[ open on a press conference for Ross Perot ]

Press Secretary: Please, please. Now, we’ll get to that later, okay? Now, Mr. Perot’s half-hour program airs tonight on ABC and CBS. It’s entitled “Ross: You Bet Your Hat We Can Win.” Now, are there any questions? Mike?

Reporter #1: Yes. Uh.. Mr. Perot still hasn’t answered a lot of questions about the Republican Party’s so-called “dirty tricks”.

Press Secretary: Mike, I think we want to put that whole subject behind us.

Reporter #1: I mean, what was the deal with the “alleged” picture of the daughter?

Press Secretary: Mike, as I said, we want –

Reporter #1: How was this picture “allegedly” altered, and how was it supposed to embarrass him?

[ Ross Perots enters angrily ]

Ross Perot: Now, hold on there! Hold on one Texas minute! Now, hold on! Hold on! You people don’t quit, now do you? Now, is this the way we’re gonna play the game here? Are you guys gonna keep asking me these asinine questions until you see some dirty pictures? Is that what you want, huh? Is that what you require? Alright. Now, let’s have it your way. Now, imagine, if you will, that you were a father. Now, imagine the nausea you would feel seeing a picture of your daughter, on the eve of her wedding, your own flesh and blood, altered in this sick fashion! Take a look now! [ holds up enlarged photo of his daughter kissing Madonna ] There it is! Now, are you happy? There it is. This is a picture generated by the Republican dirty tricks team, using a computer paid for with tax money! Now, now.. this is a perfectly good picture of my daughter, and they’ve cut her fiance out, and put Madonna in there to make her look like a lesbian! And, as far as I’m concerned, it is just sick! So, are ya happy now? Any more questions? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?

Reporter #2: Yes. How do we know that this picture came from a Republican dirty tricks team, and not from your own organization?

Ross Perot: Now, didn’t I just tell you where the picture came from? Huh?! Have you seen the picture? Have I just started talking Portuguese up here and not know it? Are we at the same press conference? you haven’t heard one word I’ve said! Have you? [ sees hand raised ] Yes?

Reporter #3: Um.. how did you gain possession of this picture?

Ross Perot: It was delivered to me by a person whose opinion I respect outside of politics! That’s all I can say! Now, can we move on to some real issues, or are you gonna play footsies while the country goes to hell? [ sees hand raised ] Yes, sir?

Reporter #4: How did this person know it came from the Republicans?

Ross Perot: I have told you over and over time and again! Now, I do not have to prove myself to anybody! The picture is there for anybody to see! It’s as plain as white cotton panties! Now, you want to talk about this? Is that what you want to do? You want to play a game here? You want to play footsies? Alright, I thought we’d have a press conference, talk about the issues, but fine, let’s get into this! Now.. listen very carefully. Two years ago – and I have not revealed this until now, for reasons I will not go into – two years ago, in the middle of the night at my home in Dallas, I was awakened by a disturbance outside on my lawn. So I went outside and engaged in hand-to-hand contact with four men and a small dog. Now, I took the four men out, and was about to tie up the dog, when it looked up at me and said, “Aren’t you Ross Perot?” Well, I nearly dropped a load. That dog spoke perfect English. Now, listen very carefully. Who is the world leader in talking dogs? Well, you don’t have to be a Washington insider to know it is the Republican Party – I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?

Reporter #1: Who told you that the Republican Party is involved in trying to teach dogs to talk?

Ross Perot: Well, now we’re just playing games here, huh? [ laughs ] Just playing footsies! Now, as long as we’re at it, I’m just gonna put it all out there. Lay all the cards on the table. ‘Cause let me tell you something – I didn’t get to this point by being smart or good-looking. You understand? Now, just the other day, I got a phone call from a woman – won’t say her name, but she is astrologer to the stars – now, you don’t get to that point without having the goods! Now, if you don’t hear another word I am saying, please listen to this: one whole year ago, she predicted the break-up of Harry Hamlin and Nicolette Sheridan. I rest my case! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?

Reporter #5: Are you saying the position of the planets is having some effect on this election?

Ross Perot: I am not saying anything of the kind! Now, do you want to put words in my mouth, or can I finish my story? Alright, this woman – astrologer to the stars – had a premonition. She told me that the Republican Party was planning to drug me and my family, yank all dental work, and replace them with transmitters inside our fillings!

Reporter #4: Are you saying you have transmitters in your teeth?

Ross Perot: You’re not listening to a word I’m saying! I talked to the psychic, beefed up my security, so these events never occurred! Now, go off and write your funny stories saying I’m a kook or a nut – I’ve got a country to save! [ hand is raised ] Yes, sir?

Reporter #1: Uh.. aren’t you going to say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night”?

Ross Perot: I don’t want to discuss what I may or may not say! You are not listening!

Reporter #1: Um.. but how are we gonna start the show, if you don’t say it?

Ross Perot: Is that the way the game is played? You can’t start the show without saying that? You can’t just say, “Here’s a funny show, enjoy!” you can’t do that? Okay, okay, fine! “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
If you ever drop your keys
into a river of molten lava
let ’em go, because, man,
they’re gone.

SNL Transcripts

Ass Don’t Smell

Bob…..Kevin Nealon
Male Co-Worker #1…..Rob Schneider
Male Co-Worker #2…..David Spade
Male Co-Worker #3…..Tim Meadows

Bob: Let me bring you up to date on the Civic Center project..

Male Co-Worker #1: [ sniffing the air ] Did somebody step insomething?

Bob: I had Ted draw these up over the weekend..

Male Co-Worker #1: Oh, come on! Doesn’t anybody else smell it?

[ turns around and disgusts tow other co-workers with the smell from his ass ]

Bob: I think we’ve finally solved the underground garage problem..

Male Co-Worker #1: I’m sorry. I can’t concentrate. Can’t we do thisover the phone?

Male Co-Worker #2: Yes!

[ everyone leaves the office, leaving confused ]

[ SUPER: The Next Day ]

Bob: [ notices Ass Don’t Smell canister on his desk ] Ass Don’t Smell?[ thinking ] Hmm.. maybe osmebody’s trying to tell me something..

Announcer: Scrubbing doesn’t work; perfumes only cover it up; and whohas the time to soak? Forget all that junk, and step up to Ass Don’t Smell.

[ SUPER: A Week Later ]

Male Co-Worker #3: Hey, Bob! Congratulations on the CivicCenter project!

Bob: Thanks!

Male Co-Worker #3: [ notices canister in Bob’s locker ] Huh? AssDon’t Smell? But your ass doesn’t smell.

Bob: [ smiling confidently ] Exactly.

Announcer: Ass Don’t Smell. The name says it all. Now, in newtamper-proof package.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 31st, 1992

Catherine O’Hara

10,000 Maniacs

None

10,000 Maniacs, “These Are Days”.

Ross Perot Discusses Dirty Tricks

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Catherine O’Hara’s Monologue

Ass Don’t Smell

Nanny Greenwood

Richmeister’s Halloween

Recurring Characters: Richmeister.

Deep Thoughts

If you drop your keys in lava.

My Dinner With Sister Souljah

10,000 Maniacs performs “These Are Days”.

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Chris Rock reviews Madonna’s Sex book.

Adam Sandler gives a second round of Halloween costume ideas.

Pumping Up with Hans & Franz

Recurring Characters: Hans, Franz.

Canadians

Deep Thoughts

Describing sensuality.

Daily Affirmations with Stuart Smalley

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Mexican Mugs

10,000 Maniacs performs “Candy Everybody Wants”.

Halloween Party Hangover

SNL Transcripts

Stalk Talk

Allison McGrath…..Julia Sweeney
Brian…..Christopher Walken
Danny…..Rob Schneider
Marty…..Adam Sandler
Ellen…..Jan Hooks

[ Music Open: “Every Breath You Take”, The Police ]

Allison McGrath: Hi, and welcome to “Stalk Talk”. I’m your host,Allison McGrath, and as usual we are joined by four stalkers, men and womenwho seem to have a difficult time letting go of their ex-lovers andconsequently follow them around and scare them very much. Let’s say helloto our guests. Our first stalker is Brian, who broke up with hisgirlfriend..

Brian: 5 months, 3 weeks and 3 days ago.

Allison McGrath: Oh. And what’s the girl’s name?

Brian: “Bitch.”

Allison McGrath: Okay. Let’s move to our second stalker, Marty.

Marty: Hello. I’m Marty.

Allison McGrath: Hi, Marty. Now, your stalk victim broke up withyou in the fifth grade.

Marty: She didn’t break up with me! We decided to see otherpeople.

Allison McGrath: And, yet, you’re still upset with her, aren’t you,Marty?

Marty: [ laughing nervously ] Oh, no, I wouldn’t.. Yes.

Allison McGrath: Um.. fine. Danny, you’re a stalker, too?

Danny: Uh, yes. I’ve been stalking a certain someone for the pastfour-and-a-half years, non-stop around the clock.

Allison McGrath: Well.. [ laughing ] ..you’re here now, soI guess you’re not stalking her all the time!

Danny: Uh, no. I have a friend stalking her for me right now.

Allison McGrath: Great. That brings us to our final stalker. Afemale stalker. Say hello to Ellen.

Ellen: Hi. Can I just take a minute to talk to David Hasseloff forjust a second? [ to the camera ] David, you can marry as many girls asyou want, but I will always be true to you, my love. Damn you toHell!

Allison McGrath: Okay. Now, uh.. Brian. Uh.. how did yourrelationship end?

Brian: With “Bitch”?

Allison McGrath: Uh.. yeah..

Brian: Say it!

Allison McGrath: Uh.. okay.. How did your relationship end with”Bitch”?

Brian: It was hard. Like any relationship, there were good days..ups and downs.. good days, bad days.. She started to answer the phoneagain, I really thought we had a good chance to put things back together.Until that tennis instructor used his magic powers to get “Bitch” to fallin love with him.

Allison McGrath: Magic powers?

Brian: Spells, withcraft, what not. You see, in real life.. she lovesme, but she’s under the influence of this agent of the Devil.

Allison McGrath: Um.. alright.. Marty, why do you think your girlbroke up with you?

Marty: Broke up with me, what? Did she tell you that?

Allison McGrath: Um.. no.

Marty: We’re not broken up.. I mean, we’re just taking a little timeto sort things out.. [ laughs nervously ]

Allison McGrath: Well, seventeen years to sort things out?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Brian: Do you suspect any involvement by the forces of evil?

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. Ellen, as you said before, you’re in love withDavid Hasselhoff, of TV’s “Knight Rider”..

Ellen: Yes, I love him. He’s on “Baywatch” now, okay?

Marty: He’s good. I like him, too.. a lot! [ Ellen gives hima dirty look ]

Allison McGrath: Well, Ellen.. David obviously hurt you bad. Whendid you guys go out?

Ellen: Well, you know.. David and I aren’t a real “going-out”kind of couple.. Our idea of a perfect night is to order Chinese food andwatch Cary Grant movies.. [ laughs ]

Allison McGrath: And what does David Hasselhoff’s wife thinkof that?

Ellen: [ angry ] I’m gonna pretend I didn’t hear you say that!

Allison McGrath: I’m sorry, but have you ever even actually metDavid Hasselhoff?

Ellen: [ teeth clenched ] “No! I have never met David Hasselhoff! But I have seen him, and I’ve watched him manytimes.. and he welcomes my watching like a lover should!

Brian: Do you have those infra-red goggles?

Ellen: No.

Brian: Me, neither. Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t need thesemodern devices.. that help me see in the dark. I mean, stalking issimplicity in itself. It’s a person.. and the person he’s hunting.

Allison McGrath: [ feigning interest ] Interesting.

Brian: But.. that’s me. Now, this guy.. [ acknowledgesMarty ] ..I’ll bet he’s got the best goggles money can buy.

Marty: [ laughs nervously ] Yes.

Danny: Excuse me? So, I can wear those infra-red things, and hang ona tree branch and watch her sleeping in an upstairs bedroom at night?

Marty: [ nodding ] Yes!

Danny: [ elated ] Oh-ho, yeah!

Brian: You see? They’re like that, young stalkers. They’re kids.It’s a generation thing, I guess.

Allison McGrath: Um.. stalkers, give me your best stalking story.Let’s start with Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah. Okay.. it was the eighth episode of the 88-89 seasonof “Knight Rider”.. David had just started to grow his hair too long, youknow? And I thought it needed to be cut. So, I snuck onto his set and I hidunder his trailer with a pair of scissors.. but he never showed up! Heknew that I was there! He needed a haircut, but he left melying there like a fool! I hate you, David Hasselhoff! I hate you!!

Allison McGrath: Boy, talk about crossed signals! [ laughs ]

Ellen: [ laughs back and shrieks ]

Allison McGrath: Okay, uh.. Brian, how about a stalker story?

Brian: Well.. “Bitch” had gone over to the tennis instructor’s houseafter work.. no doubt as a result of his voodoo. Naturally, I was 50-75yards behind her at all times.. “Bitch” had been there about two hours,during which I was hiding in the bushes reading a comic book. I got kindof bored, so I started making bird noises.. like this.. [ demonstratessome wild bird noises, as Marty laughs ] What’s so funny?!

Marty: [ laughing ] It’s just that I’ve done that!

Brian: Oh. Well, anyway.. I’m making these bird noises.. all of asudden.. the warlock comes out with his tennis racket. I guess hewas looking to beat the hell out of this crazy bird that’s interrupting hisdemon seance with “Bitch”. So, I jump out of the bushes, I run out in thestreet screaming, “I’m the bird! I’m the little bird! And the Bitchwill burn in Hell!” I must have run fifteen blocks before the copspicked me up.

Allison McGrath: Oh, you were arrested for disorderly conduct?

Brian: Also, I was nude. There were a variety of charges.

Allison McGrath: Okay. Um.. Marty, how about a story?

Marty: [ laughing ] I liked his story!

Allison McGrath: Yeah. That’s nice. I bet you’ve got a goodone, though?

Marty: I liked his story! [ continues laughing ]

Allison McGrath: [ turning ] Uh.. Danny, you’ve been quiet. Howabout you?

Danny: You look like Becky when you smile.

Allison McGrath: Uh.. really?

Danny: Will you go out with me?

Allison McGrath: Well.. I have a boyfriend.

Danny: He’ll never love you as much as I love you. He’llnever love you as much as I love you!

Allison McGrath: [ really nervous ] Okay, that’s all the time wehave for “Stalk Talk”

Brian: You know.. I think about you when I masturbate. I’ll bet that..that disgusts you, doesn’t it?

Allison McGrath: [ quickly ] Good night!

Brian: Typical.

Announcer: “Stalk Talk” has been brought to you by Night Vision, thefirst name in infra-red surveillance.

SNL Transcripts

Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic

Ed Glosser…..Christopher Walken
Female Employee…..Julia Sweeney
Male Employee #1…..Phil Hartman
New Employee…..Rob Schneider
Male Employee #2…..Adam Sandler
Delivery Boy…..Chris Rock

[ Female Employee drops her styrofoam cup while pouring some spring water.Ed Glosser picks it up for her, then accidentally grabs her hand, fallinginto a trance ]

Female Employee: Are you alright?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] You have a daughter..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: She’s at home with the housekeeper..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper just waxed the kitchen floor..

Female Employee: Yes?

Ed Glosser: Your daughter’s running.. on the wet kitchen floor..

Female Employee: [ panicking ] And?

Ed Glosser: She’s leaving footprints..

Female Employee: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: The housekeeper’s annoyed.. she has to do that part of thefloor over again..

Female Employee: Really?

Ed Glosser: It’s not too late! You can call her.. and save her!

Female Employee: Um.. I have some work to do, but I’ll call her later.Okay? Say, how did you get these powers, anyway?

Ed Glosser: [ looks into the camera ] I.. don’t.. know..

Announcer: Ed Glosser: Trivial Psychic. During a brief power outage,Ed Glosser’s tanning booth experiences a slight malfunction. Forfeiting adarker base, he instead gains the mildly impressive ability to foretellinsignificant events of the immediate future. This is his story..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I want you to meet Bob. He just joined usover in Accounting.

New Employee: Nice to meet you! [ shakes Ed’s hand ]

Ed Glosser: [ falls into his trance ] Tomorrow.. on the way to work..you’re gonna buy a cup of coffee..

New Employee: [ anxious ] Yeah?

Ed Glosser: Then you’re gonna hail a cab..

New Employee: Uh huh! Does the cab crash?!

Ed Glosser: No.. you’re gonna leave the coffee in the cab!

New Employee: Okay.. I guess I’ll just have to get another cup whenI get here.

Ed Glosser: Look! you don’t get it! You’re wasting coffee!

Male Employee #1: Ed, Ed, Ed.. what’s the big deal? It’s just a cupof coffee! Look, we’ve got a whole pot of it over there.

Ed Glosser: accidentally touches the male employee’s arm and fallsback into his trance ] At lunch.. you’re gonna treat yourself to a vanilla icecream.. you’re gonna eat it too fast.. you’re gonna get an ice cream headache..it’s gonna hurt.. real bad.. right.. [ touches the middle of his forehead ]..here.. for eight, nine seconds..

Male Employee #1: Ed, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.But you’re giving everybody the creeps.

Ed Glosser: I didn’t ask for these powers! Theyjust came to me!

Male Employee #1: Well, I see a large stack of papers on your desk..and I see you finishing them all by five o’clock! [ laughs and turns to leave ]

New Employee: Hey, uh.. nice meeting you. [ starts to shake Ed’shand again, but retreats and leaves ]

Male Employee #2: [ enters ] Hey! Psychic Man! What do you seehappening in the World Series – Toronto or Atlanta?

Ed Glosser: [ upset ] I can’t believe you’re asking me to use mypowers in that way! [ turns to leave, but Male Employee #2 grabs Ed’sarm and sends into another trance ] You’re eating a bag of pistachios.. youwill find that one is very difficult to open..

Male Employee #2: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: You’re not going to be able to open it with your fingers.. you’re gonna have to use your teeth.. it’s gonna taste very bad..

Male Employee #2: Just the one nut?

Ed Glosser: Yes!

Male Employee #2: Alright.. well, thanks for thattip. I’m going to go call my bookie now. [ leaves ]

[ Ed sits in the office, annoyed ]

Delivery Boy: [ enters carrying a bag ] Excuse me, did you order atuna fish sandwich?

Ed Glosser: Yeah.. [ pulls out some money and places it in theDelivery Boy’s hand, falling into another trance ] You have a car..

Delivery Boy: Yeah?

Ed Glosser: [ pause ] Could you give me a lift home? Nobody aroundhere likes me.

Delivery Boy: Sure. Why not?

Ed Glosser: [ still in trance ] There’s going to be traffic.

[ the two exit the office, to fade ]

SNL Transcripts