SNL Tonight

Larry King Live

Larry King…..Kevin Nealon
Brian Wilson…..Tim Robbins
Ross Perot…..Dana Carvey

Announcer: Welcome to “Larry King Live”. Tonight: founder of the Beach Boys, Brian Wilson, tells his personal struggles with personal life and private addictions. Now, here’s Larry King!

[ dissolve to hyper Larry King opening his show ]

Larry King: Good evening! Beach Boy Brian Wilson, recovering alcoholic, manic-depressive, diet pill addict, and now, author of his own autobiography Wouldn’t It Be Nice?, a major bestseller. We’ll include your calls in a bit. The alcohol, diet pills – related to your music upbringing?

Brian Wilson: I think so.. But the diet pill issue was related to my weight gain.

Larry King: [ laughs like a squirrel ] That’s funny!

Brian Wilson: Yeah. I looked more like a beach ball.

Larry King: [ laughs like a squirrel ] That’s a riot! [ changes tone ] And the drugs?

Brian Wilson: They allow me to escape from memories of being abused by my father, which led to manic-depression.

Larry King: Uh-huh. And a manic-depressive is – in a thumbnail, if one could do that.

Brian Wilson: Well, manic-depressives have severe mood swings, either very high or very low. They’re horribly painful.

Larry King: Uh-huh. And depression can be triggered by anything, right?

Brian Wilson: Yeah.. I try to avoid stress..

Larry King: Good idea. Keep the stress to factor to a minimum – WACO, TEXAS!! HELLO!! [ Brian jumps back in panicked fear ] Our guest is Brian Wilson; the book is Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; the publisher, Simon & Schuster; the disease, manic-depression. Hello.

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry.. Larry.. Larry.. I-I-I just wanted to say, I’ve changed my mind again. I’ve decided to pull out of the race. I think it’s the right thing to do, Larry.

Larry King: Do you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: No question, Larry. You see, I-I just wanted to make my announcement on your program. You see? You see?

Larry King: ROSS PEROT!! [ turns to Brian ] Did it rattle you when people learned of your mental illness?

Brian Wilson: Well, I try not to let.. things rattle me any more.. my psychiatrist has me on a.. on a drug called Lithium..

Larry King: Uh-huh. and what does that do?

Brian Wilson: It keeps me calm, more or less!

Larry King: POWELL, ALABAMA!! HELLO!!

[ hang up ]

Larry King: A hang-up. Where did you go for your treatment?

Brian Wilson: [ nervous ] Uh.. I have a, uh.. a live-in psychiatrist in Los Angeles-

Larry King: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!! Right?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. right.. I-I.. he suggested I go to a clinic in Miami-

Larry King: MIAMI, FLORIDA!!

Brian Wilson: Yes.. And I was gonna go in Cincinn- anyway.. I’m back on my feet..

Larry King: Helped you slow down and relax.

Brian Wilson: Y-yes.. very soothing support..

Larry King: BOONESVILLE, MISSOURI!! Brian Wilson is the guest; lithium is the drug; manic-depression is the disease; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; published by Simon & Schuster. Next week: Robert Ludlum. Hello.

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: L-Larry? Larry! Are you there? Here’s the deal.. here’s the deal, see? I’m back in! I just talked to the volunteers, and I’m back in! I’m jumping in with both feet, I’m as serious as a heart attack!

Larry King: Did you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: What’s that, Larry?

Larry King: Ross, did you have a question for Brian?

Ross Perot: No, sir! But I’m definitely back in! I’m as ready as a ham sandwich at a church picnic! Now.. uh.. hell, forget it – I’m back out!

Larry King: Alright, thank you, Ross! Alright. BANGOR, MAINE!!

Caller #1: Hi, Larry. I’m a doctor, and, from Brian’s appearance, I was wondering if he was taking any other drugs?

Larry King: How ’bout it, Brian – any other drugs?

Brian Wilson: Well.. I’m also on a sedative called Halcium..

Larry King: Uh-huh. And then?

Brian Wilson: Well, uh.. it keeps me calm.. gives me a.. a sense of balance..

Larry King: LOOKOUT MOUNTAIN, TENNESSEE!! Brian Wilson is the guest; balance is the word; lithium, the drug; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice?; I’m Larry King at CNN. Hello!

Caller #2: I would like to know what Brian’s plans are for the future?

Brian Wilson: Uh, um.. I’m not gonna look that far ahead.. I’m just taking one day at a time..

Larry King: That’s the way to do it, one day at a time – like that TV show with Valerie Bertinelli. Who will be with us tomorrow. Who was that other girl on the show; she also had an addiction problem. From the Mamas & The Papas, what was her name?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. Mackenzie Phillips..?

Larry King: Right. We go to ROANOKE, VIRGINIA!! Mackenize Phillips is the name; the show, “One Day at a Time”; our guest is Brian Wilson; the word is balance; the drug, lithium; manic-depression, the disease; the book, Wouldn’t It Be Nice. I’m Larry King! Next week, Robert Ludlum; the book, The Born Supremacy. Last call, hello?

Caller #3: Um.. I’m sorry.. I’m a little confused.. Who’s on your show tonight?

Larry King: [ laughs ] Brian Wilson!

Caller #3: Uh.. never mind. When is MacKenzie Phillips gonna be on?

Larry King: How ’bout it, Brian? Mackenzie Phillips, when will she be on?

Brian Wilson: Uh.. I don’t know..

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry! I got a question for Brian! See, now? Now, how do you write songs – which comes first, the words or the music? Also, I’m back in the race!

Larry King: Tomorrow night, Valerie Bertinelli from “One Day at a Time”; the actress, MacKenize Phillips. From Los Angeles, California, the Mamas & The Papas; lithium, the drug; balance. Next week: Robert Ludlum-

[ Ross Perot appears on the monitor behind Larry and Brian ]

Ross Perot: Larry! Larry, I’m out! This process is degrading, it’s just sad!

Larry King: I’m Larry King from Washington, arrividerci!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 2

92b: Tim Robbins / Sinead O’Connor

Founding Fathers

Thomas Jefferson…..Tim Robbins
George Washington…..Kevin Nealon
Benjamin Franklin…..Phil Hartman
Announcer…..Don Pardo
Clive Bradshaw…..Tim Meadows
Reporter #1…..Chris Farley
Reporter #2…..Rob Schneider
Reporter #3…..David Spade
Reporter #4…..Ellen Cleghorne
Reporter #5…..Tom Davis

[ Fade in on Jefferson and Washington standing together inside Independence Hall. Jefferson holds the Declaration of Independence in one hand, a quill in the other. ]

[ SUPER: “July 4, 1776” ]

Jefferson: General Washington, you realize that by signing this declaration, we may well be signing our own death warrants.

Washington: Quite correct, Mr. Jefferson. But as Ben Franklin so aptly put it, “We must indeed hang together, or assuredly, we shall all hang separately.”

Jefferson: Where is Mr. Franklin, anyway?

Washington: If I know Franklin, he is down in his laboratory tinkering with one of his harebrained — whaaa?!?

[ Washington is taken aback as Benjamin Franklin fades into the room. ]

Franklin: Tom, George … your nation is in dire peril!

Jefferson: Well, we are quite aware of that, Mr. Franklin. That is why we sign this document today …

Franklin: No! Your country needs you in nineteen ninety two! Let’s go …

[ All three of them fade out of the room ]

[ SUPER: “Donald Bellisario presents”]

Announcer V/O: From the producers of “Quantum Leap” comes …

[ SUPER + V/O: “Founding Fathers“]

[ Washington, Jefferson and Franklin are seen in a spiral vortex ]

Announcer V/O: Answering the call of a troubled nation, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and inventor Benjamin Franklin travel forward to the twentieth century, courtesy of Franklin’s quantum time warp machine.

[ Fade to TNN Special Report ]

Clive Bradshaw: Good afternoon. I’m Clive Bradshaw with a TNN special report. In a moment we will go live to the senate caucus room for the eagerly awaited press conference, in which the founding fathers, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington and inventor Benjamin Franklin, will present their recommendations for curing America’s ills. Oh! [ Cocks an ear as he hears something in his earpiece ] I understand the founding fathers are arriving at the caucus room.

[ The press waits in front of an empty table, which is no longer empty when the founding fathers materialize into their chairs. ]

Franklin: Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, my fellow Americans … after much study and soul-searching, General Washington, Mr. Jefferson and I are now ready to humbly offer our recommendations for reform. General?

Washington: Thank you, Mr. Franklin. I guess that it would be safe to say that, as we studied your problems, we kept coming back to one overriding concern: the crippling federal deficit. Mr. Jefferson?

Jefferson: And because this deficit threatens the very foundation of our great democracy, the three of us have put together this deficit reduction plan. It includes basically an increase in the tax rate on the upper income brackets, a cap on entitlements, and increased cuts in military spending. It’s all here in the package, but we’ll certainly open the floor to questions. Yes?

Reporter #1: Yes, uh, did any of you own slaves?

Washington: Um … yes. Yes, I did.

Jefferson: I did as well. We both own plantations.

Franklin: Next question.

Reporter #2: President Washington … did you ever sleep with your slaves?

Washington: I beg your pardon?

Reporter #2: Did you ever have … sex with any of your slaves? You know … have sex with any of your slaves?

Washington: [ offended ] Look, I did not travel through time to subject myself to that kind of question, and I most certainly refuse to dignify it with a response! Now if there are any questions concerning our deficit reduction plan … yes?

Reporter #3: Yes, uh, this is for Mr. Jefferson. I read somewhere that during the Revolutionary War you avoided serving in the Continental Army.

Jefferson: Yes, I thought I could be of more use in the Virginia legislature.

Reporter #3: Well, then how can you expect the American people to trust you?

Jefferson: I’m Thomas Jefferson.

Reporter #3: Yeah … [ sits down ]

Franklin: Yes?

Reporter #4: Um, uh, President Washington, um, did your wife Martha approve of your having sex with slaves?

Jefferson: Can I jump in here? Uh, I just want to remind you all that we’re talking about the eighteenth century. And yes, most landowners in Virginia had slaves. And yes, it was common for a master to take as his mistress a negro wench …

[ The three of them react in embarrassment ]

Jefferson: … I think I said the wrong thing.

Washington: Look, look – we do have a very important deficit reduction package to talk about. Is there any way we can get off this slave sex issue?

Reporter #5: Um, i-is that your real hair?

Franklin: [ shrugs, to colleagues aside ] I’m sorry, gentlemen, I …

[ Fade back to the shot of the founding fathers in a spiral vortex ]

Announcer V/O: Next week on Founding Fathers, Ben transports himself to 1962 to help president John F. Kennedy …

[ Fade to — ]

Franklin: [ dressed as Marilyn Monroe, singing seductively into a microphone ] Happy Birthday, Mr. President … Happy Birthday to yoooouuu …

[ Fade to title card ]

Announcer V/O: … on Founding Fathers!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I think a good movie would be
about a guy who’s a brain scientist,
but he gets hit on the head
and it damages the part of the brain
that makes you want to study the brain.

SNL Transcripts

Caracci’s Pizza

Caracci Cashier…..Kevin Nealon
Caracci Chef…..Rob Smigel
Caracci Cook…..Tim Robbins
Caracci Sauce Boy…..Adam Sandler
Caracci Sweeper…..Rob Schneider

Caracci Cashier: People in this town argue about a lot of things.But there’s no argument about the best pizza – Caracci’s. At Caracci’s Pizza,we never drop a pizza on the dirty floor, pick it back up and serve it to youlike it never happened. Bu-u-ut, by some chance, let’s say you didcatch one of us dropping a pizza on the dirty floor and selling it to you..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cook: [ taking pizza out of the oven ] That’s right! Half-pricefor Caracci’s hot, delicious pizza! You know, at Caracci’s, we pride ourselveson never spitting on a pizza, just because we’re a little mad at the customer,or something? No spit at all! But let’s say, for some strange reason,you caught one of our workers spitting on your pizza, even just a little..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sauce Boy: Caracci’s Pizza has rich tomato sauce and chewycheese and so many toppings to choose from. You know, I can honestly say, atCaracci’s Pizza, you’re never gonna find a big footprint on any of the pizzaswe serve. None of our workers ever step on your pizza. Bu-u-ut, let’sjust say if by accident one of the guy’s who cleans the kitchen steps on yourpizza with his-a big black boot, and you notice a footprint..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Sweeper: Half-off! Not bad for such good-tasting pizza! Youknow, at Caracci’s Pizza, we’ve got absolutely no rats or squirrels in thekitchen running around, jumping on the pizza and going to the bathroom allover them. Not in Caracci’s kitchen! But, let’s just say, on aparticular day, you do happen to see a big rat running around the kitchen,and none of us can catch him because he’s so quick and slippery, and he doesgo a little bathroom on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: And for this month only, if you find some fingernails,hair, band-aids, or any pieces of metal on your pizza..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Caracci Cashier: Caracci’s Pizza. No droppings.

Caracci Cook: No spitting.

Caracci Sauce Boy: No footprints.

Caracci Sweeper: No squirrel crap.

Caracci Cashier: And no African-American delivery boys, or..

Caracci Chef: You get half off-a da pizza!

Full Staff: [ putting their hands on one of the pizzas ] That’s theCaracci’s Promise!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
October 3rd, 1992

Tim Robbins

Sinead O’Connor

Susan Sarandon

Sinead O’Connor, “Success Has Made A Failure Of Our Home”

A Message From Ross Perot

Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.

Tim Robbins’ Monologue

Caracci’s Pizza

Founding Fathers

Deep Thoughts

Brain damaged scientist.

Cooking with Dennis Miller

Recurring Characters: Dennis Miller.

That’s Not Yogurt

Sunday Morning Videos

Sinead O’Connor performs “Success Has Made A Failure Of Our Home”

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

Bob Roberts

Larry King Live

Recurring Characters: Larry King.

Tori

Sinead O’Connor performs “War”

Sweet Jimmy, the World’s Nicest Pimp

Daily Affirmation

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Husbands And Wives

Woody Allen…..Dana Carvey
Soon-Yi Previn…..Rob Schneider
Fan…..Chris Farley
Mia Farrow…..Jan Hooks
Alan Dershowitz…..Kevin Nealon
Tony Roberts…..Adam Sandler
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman

[ open on exterior, movie theater playing “Husbands And Wives”. Wood Allen exits, nervous, neurotic ]

Woody Allen: That was humiliating! I gotta get out of here, I mean, I’m getting nauseous just thinking about it! I don’t even know where Soon-Yi is, I mean.. [ Soon-Yi exits theater ] Oh, there you are!

Fan: Hey! Great movie!

Woody Allen: Yeah.. sure.. great movie, sure..

Fan: Boy, you sure are a sleazebag!

Woody Allen: Yeah. Okay. Well, that does it. Can we go now, or should I just move in with Salmen Rushdie?

Soon-Yi Previn: I think you’re paranoid, Woody. It’s an important work, everybody loved it.

Woody Allen: Yeah. Yeah. Of course, she takes one college film course, suddenly she’s Susan Sondheim.

Soon-Yi Previn: So, I’m just a joke to you?! Like that girl in the movie?

Woody Allen: Wh-wh-what are you saying? No. You’re a.. beautiful, intelligent woman! You.. you’ve changed my life in meaningful wa-ays. I mean.. didn’t you read the Time interview? I raved about you!

Soon-Yi Previn: I’m just trying to help!

Woody Allen: I know, I’m just a.. I’m just a little.. a little uptight.

Soon-Yi Previn: [ looks off-camera ] Oh, no.

Woody Allen: What? What, now?

Soon-Yi Previn: Look who’s in line.

[ camera pans over to show Mia Farrow with Alan Dershowitz ]

Woody Allen: Oh, no.. what is she doing in town? I mean, I thought she’d be over in Bosnia.. cruising orphanages.

Soon-Yi Previn: They’re coming this way.

Woody Allen: [ panicking ] Oh, great! I never should have seen this movie on the west side!

Mia Farrow: Hi, Woody. Hi, Soon-Yi.

Woody Allen: Boy, uh.. this is.. this is awkward..

Mia Farrow: Yeah. You know Alan Dershowitz, huh?

Alan Dershowitz: Uh, yes. We’ve met.

Woody Allen: Great.. great.. so, what, are you double-dating Claus van Bulow now?

Mia Farrow: Woody, come on, don’t make a scene! He’s good with the kids!

Woody Allen: Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Well, what do they all do, go in the den and play Character Assassination?

Mia Farrow: Oh, you know, why can’t you let me have a life? I-I-I..

Woody Allen: What?!

Mia Farrow: I’m finally getting out again..

Woody Allen: No, that’s cra-zy!

Mia Farrow: You’re attacking me..

Woody Allen: No! I’m not attacking you! You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman! I’m.. I’m actually getting turned on by you!

Mia Farrow: Oh, no..

Woody Allen: I’ve never seen this side of you before.. it’s very sexy..

Mia Farrow: No, come on, you get turned on by the silliest things..

Woody Allen: [ looking about ] I don’t.. I don’t believe this..

Mia Farrow: What?

Woody Allen: It’s.. it’s Tony Roberts. This is very awkward! I mean, I haven’t used him in a movie since “Hannah”.. Is he coming over here?

Mia Farrow: Yeah. Say “Hi.”

[ Tony Roberts walks up ]

Tony Roberts: Hey, Woody.

Woody Allen: Hi. You know Mia.. Soon-Yi..

Tony Roberts: Yeah. Look, uh.. is there something I’ve done?

Woody Allen: What? No-o-o-o..!

Tony Roberts: Are you pissed off at me?

Woody Allen: No, are you cra-zy..?

Tony Roberts: I mean, I did that Afterschool Special – I tried to get your permission.

Woody Allen: No.. no..

Tony Roberts: I-I thought we were good together.

Woody Allen: You’re a wonderful, terrific, intelligent sidekick!

Tony Roberts: I mean, summer stock’s great, but I gotta pay the bills.

Woody Allen: No, I’ll-I’ll-I’ll use you again, I promise!

Tony Roberts: Max – call me. [ exits ]

Woody Allen: I’ll call you.

Mia Farrow: Woody, listen.. you handled that very well.. you did!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia, are we going in now?

Woody Allen: Yeah, what, does she own you?

Mia Farrow: Why are you doing this?!

Alan Dershowitz: Mia!

Woody Allen: I’m turned on! The heart doesn’t know from logic!

[ Frank Sinatra enters scene ]

Frank Sinatra: Forget it, Woodcock!

Mia Farrow: Frank!

Frank Sinatra: I let you fly the coop once, Mia, baby! now I’m clipping your wings! I can’t bear to watch you play Musical Jews!

Woody Allen: Yeah, this is crazy! You could be her father!

Frank Sinatra: Look – we’re all weak, baby! Sometimes a guy’s gotta trade up for a new set of wheels! But you made one mistake – you gotta keep your mitts off the kinder! Believe me, I thought about it myself a few times. But I took my business to the john! When you’re a one-man band, nobody gets hurt!

Mia Farrow: What are you talking about? Listen, you’re not making any sense!

Frank Sinatra: Look, cut me some slack, baby. I’m 80 years old! I’m happy if I remember the first line to “Summer Wind”. I think it’s.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Weekend Update with Kevin Nealon

…..Kevin Nealon
…..Chris Rock
Operaman…..Adam Sandler

Kevin Nealon: Good evening, I’m Kevin Nealon. [ turns to face second camera ] And I’m Kevin Nealon. And now, our top story.

A Colorado woman was arrested this week for stalking the President with a loaded revolver. A court-appointed psychiatrist examined the woman, found her to be competent, and returned the gun.

And, in a peace offering to “Murphy Brown”‘s baby this week, Dan Quayle sent a handwritten note of welcome, along with a cute, stuffed animal.

Kevin Nealon: Well, a Gallop Poll shows that 78% of American voters feel that the media manipulates too many people into believing what they want them to believe. [ faces the audience to delive a subliminal commentary ] I would have to disagree with that. I mean, you can’t tell someone who to vote for – Clinton – The media simply covers the day’s events – Iran Contra – whether it’s Bush’s proposed economic plan – Big Joke – or whether it’s Perot deciding whether or not to re-enter the race – Don’t Bother – or the feud between Hollywood and Dan Quayle – Idiot – I do think, however, that the media should back off of Mr. Quayle – Big Wedgie – Now I would definitely say that voters make up their own minds – Clinton – I really do.

Al Gore this week.

Following the final break of the Soviet Union, former President Mikhael Gorbachev has revealed the secret of his famous birthmark, and shocked onlookers by wiping it off with his hand. “It was just a decal,” said the fun-loving Russian.

Kevin Nealon: As you all know it is the season premiere of Saturday Night Live and most of us here feel that it is like the first day of school. Here, with his comments, is Chris Rock.

Chris Rock: Thank you, Kevin, Thank you. Now for most people the first day of school is a happy time, but not for me. You know why, because I was buster school. That meant I had to wake up every morning at 6 o’clock and go to school and compete with white kids that didn’t have to wake up until 8. Now that’s not fair. Say I got a low mark on a test and I got a teacher going ” Chris can’t read.” Well, Chris is tired, give me a nap and I’ll pass the damn test. You know why I hated school. I hated school, because I was the only black kid in my grade. I felt like Franklin from the Charlie Brown Show. You ever see Franklin. 25 years, not one line. You know everybody’s got their own little character. You know, Linus has the blanket, Lucy’s a bitch, Schmoly plays the piano, Peppermint Patty’s a lesbian. Give him something, damn, give him a Jamaican accent or something(speaks in Jamaican accent), “C’mon Charlie Brown leave me alone”. 25 years man, and they never even invited him to the parties. No, but Snoopy’s dancing his ass off. I got to go, man I don’t know what to say. A damn dog. (referring to Snoopy dancing)

Kevin Nealon: Thank you Chris. Chris Rock everybody.

Kevin Nealon: And now, for a look at people in the news, here’s “Update” correspondent, Operaman.

Operaman: [ singing ] Gracia, Kevin, Gracia.

[ pictured: Ross Perot ]
Perot es candidato
No, no candidato
Si, candidato
No, no candidato
Do ah poopa
Or get off da potta!

[ pictured: Mia Farrow ]
Oh solo mia
Mia solo
Soon-Yi incesta
Woody addio

[ pictured Madonna ]
Es Madonna?
No, es Bambina
Es Madonna?
No, es Virgin-ah
Ah! El cracko!
Es Madonna!

[ pictured: Dan Quayle and Murphy Brown ]
Enuffo! Enuffo!
“Topico over exposo!”

[ pictured: Jay Leno ]
Leno chin-o. El produche.
Mucho close-oh Mucho boffo
El peacocko ultimatum
Leno chin-o blow her off-oh.

[ pictured: Sarah Ferguson ]
Fergia, Fergia
Nippola, Nippola
Nippola, Nippola
Nippola, Nippola
Cantalopas el protrudo
Operaman grande stiffo
Bye-bye!

[ Kevin gives Operaman a standing ovation, as do Nicholas Cage and Cher from the audience ]

Kevin Nealon: Thank you, Operaman.

Former mayor Marion Barry, in the race for a D.C. City Council seat, has a new slogan: “Vote For Me, I’m Still a Crack Politician.”

Geraldo Rivera celebrated his show’s 1,000th episode this week. Appropriately, that’s just about enough videotape to stretch to Uranus and back.

Kevin Nealon: I’m Kevin Nealon, and that’s news to me.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Dana Carvey
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Hillary Clinton…..Jan Hooks
Leon Norwood…..Nicolas Cage
Undecided Male Voter 1…..Chris Farley
Undecided Male Voter 2…..Adam Sandler
Undecided Female Voter 1…..Melanie Hutsell
Undecided Male Voter 3…..Rob Schneider
Beverly Timko…..Julia Sweeney
Undecided Female Voter 2…..Ellen Cleghorne

[ open on Ted Koppel standing in front of a brick wall ]

Ted Koppel: The presidential election is just thirty-eight days away. And, still, many viewers remain undecided, disillusioned and alienated. Candidates on both sides find themselves in the position of a young man dating a very neurotic woman: He can wine her, dine her, and sweet talk her all he wants, but he still might not get any. Tonight, a cross-section of these undecided voters are in our studio, and they’ll be given a chance to do something unusual in a presidential campaign: They’ll talk directly to one of the candidates, and voice their concerns.

[ dissolve to “Nightline” logo ]

[ dissolve back to Koppel ]

Ted Koppel: Hello, I’m Ted Koppel. And thiiiis… is “Nightline”. Our guest tonight is Gov. Bill Clinton, who is joined by his wife Hillary. Welcome, Gov. and Mrs. Clinton.

[ pan to reveal Bill and Hillary Clinton, as Bill stands to take his own podium ]

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Ted. I appreciate the chance to be here tonight to talk to these nice people about the REAL issue in this campaign: the economy.

Ted Koppel: Well, Governor, let’s take our first question from one of our undecided voters. Yes, Sir?

Leon Norwood: Hello, Governor. My name is Leon Norwood. I heard you say in a speech you were gonna cut middle-class taxes to increase consumer spending.

Bill Clinton: Yes.

Leon Norwood: Well… isn’t that the same old tax-and-spend we always hear?

Bill Clinton: Well, Leon, I meant we would cut your taxes, so you would have more to spend.

Leon Norwood: There it is! “Tax” and “Spend”.

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, if I may, Sir. [ to Leon ] Just because the words “tax” and “spend” appear in the same sentence, it doesn’t make it a bad thing. There are other words in there — verbs and modifiers that change the meaning.

Bill Clinton: Well, actually, Ted, Leon has a really good point, and I apologize if I haven’t made myself understood. [ Hillary smiles at Bill ] Our economic plan would include a middle-class tax cut, investment in the infrastructure, education and job training paid for by taxes on the rich.

Ted Koppel: [ to Leon ] Does that help at all?

Leon Norwood: No. I’m sorry, I’m just not satisfied with your answer. I wish I could be… but I’m not.

[ Leon storms off the stage ]

Ted Koppel: Alright. Do we have a question for Mr. Clinton? Yes, Sir?

Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh-uhhhh… yeah… uh — I was watching television, and, uh — that thing in New York? Where you got the job that you got now? And, uh, everybody talked about how you’re gonna, uh, you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do, and, uh — do — do real good. You know, where all those guys were in New York?

Ted Koppel: The convention. The Democratic Convention.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Right, Ted! [ he shakes his head ] And… then, there was this other thing where these days, uh, were saying that what you were saying was wrong. And, uh, you shouldn’t be doing it, and… that it… that it was bad?

Ted Koppel: The Republican Convention.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Right.

Ted Koppel: Go ahead, please.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Well… I got really bored.

Bill Clinton: Well, that is a really good point. Sometimes I wonder how we, as politicians, can get so bogged down in this campaign rhetoric that we forget the real issues like health care, jobs, and education. And that’s why I’m here tonight: to answer your questions.

Undecided Male Voter 1: Uhhh… I didn’t have a question.

Ted Koppel: Then, sit down… NOW! [ he returns to his seat, as another undecided voter saunters forward ] And, audience, please: Before you step up to the mike, please have a question in mind.

[ Undecided Male Voter 2 gives this a moment’s thought, then returns to his seat as well ]

[ Undecided Female Voter 1 steps forward ]

Ted Koppel: Ma’am? Do you have a question?

Undecided Female Voter 1: See, it’s like, you look all around, and you see all this stuff? And, everybody’s got stuff but me! Where’s mine?! Where’s MY stuff?! I’m young, man! I should have stuff, too! WHERE’S MY STUFF?!!

Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a really good point. I hear this a lot. I think if this election is about anything, it’s about… “stuff”. It’s about the fact that, under Reagan, Bush, Quayle, more people are working harder and harder for less stuff.

[ Hillary nods and smiles ]

Undecided Female Voter 1: [ twitching ] Where’s my stuff, man?!

Bill Clinton: Exactly! Where is your stuff? We’re in danger of raising the first generation of Americans who… will have less stuff than their parents.

Undecided Female Voter 1: Stuff! Yeah!

Ted Koppel: So, has Gov. Clinton influenced the way you will vote?

Undecided Female Voter 1: I’m… not voting ’til I get my stuff!

Ted Koppel: Your lips are moving, but I don’t understand a word you’re saying. Thank you. [ she returns to her seat, as another undecided voters steps up ] Yes. Your question?

Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, Governor? In all the talk in the election, I have yet to hear either candidate say a word about the economy. People are out of work. Now, if you have a plan to get us out of this mess, I wish you’d tell us!

Ted Koppel: I believe the governor has already answered that question.

Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t.

Ted Koppel: Yes, he did.

Undecided Male Voter 3: Uh, no, he didn’t.

Ted Koppel: Yes… he did.

Undecided Male Voter 3: No, he didn’t!

Ted Koppel: Look, it may not be an answer that you like, and it may not be an answer that I like. But I will tell you, and you WILL believe me — he DID answer the question!

Undecided Male Voter 3: I — I don’t think so.

Ted Koppel: Don’t make me come down there and SLAP you around! Don’t think I won’t, I’m incredibly strong.

[ an older woman stands up and waves at Ted ]

Ted Koppel: Now, does the lady behind you have a question for Gov. Clinton?

Beverly Timko: Yes, uh — I’m Beverly Timko, and, actually, my question is more for Hillary Clinton.

[ Hillary jumps to her feet, greatly alarmed ]

Hillary Clinton: Oh — no. No, no — really. I’m not here for questions, I’m here to support Bill and to do this. [ she smiles ]

Ted Koppel: Really?

Beverly Timko: Well, uh — uh — it’s not a political question.

Hillary Clinton: Oh. Well, I — [ she glances at Bill ]

Bill Clinton: Go ahead.

Hillary Clinton: No.

Bill Clinton: Just do it. [ to Beverly ] What’s your question?

Beverly Timko: Uh — uh — I heard that — I heard you gave a recipe for cookies on the “Today” show, and I missed the ingredients, and I was just wondering if you could give them to me.

Hillary Clinton: [ cheerily ] Well, Beverly, I would love to! It’s a cookie I make for Chelsea and Bill —

Bill Clinton: Take it from me, they’re great!

[ they laugh ]

Hillary Clinton: Thank you! I call them Chewy Chocolate Chip. It’s very basic: a cup of flour, teaspoon of soda, teaspoon of salt, a cup of unsalted butter, a cup of sugar, a cup of brown sugar, two eggs, and a 12-ounce bag of chocolate chips. Nuts are optional!

Ted Koppel: Ma’am, I trust her answer was satisfactory?

Beverly Timko: Actually… no.

[ Hillary frowns ]

Ted Koppel: In what way was it unsatisfactory?

Beverly Timko: Well, uh — she didn’t really say what the ingredients were to the cookies.

Ted Koppel: I believe that she did.

Beverly Timko: Well… she didn’t say anything about butter.

Ted Koppel: She did mention one cup of unsalted butter.

Beverly Timko: Well, if you say she did, she did — but I know what I heard.

Bill Clinton: Uh, Ted, in all fairness to the lady, maybe it is Hillary’s fault.

Hillary Clinton: [ fuming ] No! No!

Bill Clinton: I’m just saying that, sometimes you can get so specific in giving the recipe, that the overall vision of the cookie is lost.

Hillary Clinton: No. No, no, no, no. I said butter! Ted?

Ted Koppel: She did say butter.

Beverly Timko: Whatever. She did not answer my question. Thank you. [ she steps away ]

Hillary Clinton: Well! Would you like me to talk slower? Maybe I could draw PICTURES!!

Bill Clinton: Alright, let it go…

Hillary Clinton: Go ahead — don’t vote for him! I’ll be fine! I have a job! I’M A LAWYER!!

Ted Koppel: Mrs. Clinton — Mrs. Clinton, I could watch you go on all night. You’re like a sex-crazed sex kitten with a whip, and it’s exciting to watch. And we only have time for one more question. Yes, Ma’am?

Undecided Female Voter 2: Governor Clinton, uh — why… do movies cost so much? Not to make, but to go see.

Bill Clinton: Well, that’s a very good question —

Ted Koppel: Excuse me, Governor, that is NOT a good question.

Bill Clinton: Well, Ted, every voter is important —

Ted Koppel: Governor, try to salvage some shred of dignity. You’re leading, for God’s sake. [ to the camera ] Thank you for joining us. I’m Ted Koppel, and thiiiis… has been “Nightline”.

[ dissolve to logo ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Nicolas Cage’s Monologue

…..Nicolas Cage
…..Lorne Michaels
…..Chris Farley

Nicolas Cage: Thank you! Thank you very much! Thank you! Wow! First show, 18th season, that to me is cool! Come on! You know, this has really been a terrific Fall – I’ve got a hit movie out, “Honey moon In Vegas”.. but, for me, the most fun thing about the movie was working with Sarah Jessica Parker. I mean, she was real funny, and really great.. and she has the most beautiful, big breasts. I mean, they were so pretty, and I was, like, this close to them every day! It was just.. it was so fun! The last time I had that much fun, it was “Moonstruck”, because Cher has this, this really incredibly, beautiful ass! I mean, it’s so great! I have to tell you – if you ever see Cher in peron, do yourself a favor, get up close to her and see for yourself. But I think it would really be unfair if I didn’t mention Kathleen Turner..

Director’s Voice: [ interrupting ] Uh.. Nick.

Nicolas Cage: Yeah? Davey.

Director’s Voice: Could you come backstage for a minute, I think Lorne wants to talk to you.

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. okay. [ to the audience ] I’ll be right back. [ walks past a female page ] It’s going pretty good, huh? I was a little nervous at first.. but once I got rolling – POW!! [ reaches Lorne in the hall ] Hi! Lorne!

Lorne Michaels: Nick, thanks for coming back. I wanted to talk to you about something.

Nicolas Cage: Okay, but if it’s not too long, because I really don’t want to lose the audience.

Lorne Michaels: Look, Nick, I think you should stop talking about your leading ladies’.. body parts.

Nicolas Cage: Okay.. um.. may I ask why?

Lorne Michaels: Well, I-I-I think the audience kind of finds that offensive.

Nicolas Cage: Wh-hy? It’s true, isn’t it? What, am I wrong about Sarah’s breasts? They’re beautiful, aren’t they?

Lorne Michaels: Uh.. of course, Sarah’s breasts are beautiful. I just don’t want the audience to think you’re sexist.

Nicolas Cage: Sexist?! I’m not sexist! That’s the last thing I am!

Lorne Michaels: Alright, Nick. If you’re going to talk about killer bods, I think you should mention.. Sophia Coppola.

Nicolas Cage: [ outraged, grabs Lorne ] HEY!! THAT’S MY COUSIN!!

Lorne Michaels: You see..? I-I-I-I did that to prove a point. You see, when you’re talking about someone that’s close to you, it’s different, isn’t it?

Nicolas Cage: [ now understanding ] Oh.. oh.. oh, you’re right! Oh, God! They must hate me! I mean, what are we going to do?!

Lorne Michaels: Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.

Nicolas Cage: [ nervous ] Well, they-they-they probably think I’m the biggest jerk who’s ever been on the show!

Lorne Michaels: No, no. That would be Steven Seagal.

Nicolas Cage: Well, maybe if I just go out, and retract everything, just take it all back..

Lorne Michaels: No, no.. I think dropping the whole subject is the way to go.

Nicolas Cage: No, I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Okay.

Chris Farley: [ excited to see Cage walk past him ] Hey, the monologue’s going great, man!

[ Cage returns to Home Base ]

Nicolas Cage: Uh.. uh, one thing I forgot to mention – James Caan is also in the movie.. and he has the best ass! Believe me, Cher’s got nothing on James Caan! Well, we’ve got a great show tonight! Bobby Brown is here! Great ass!! So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 18: Episode 1

92a: Nicolas Cage / Bobby Brown

Tiny Elvis

Tiny Elvis…..Nicolas Cage
Red…..Kevin Nealon
Sonny…..Rob Schneider
Driver…..Chris Farley

[ open on Tiny Elvis’s mansion, Tiny E. and the boys in the living room ]

Tiny Elvis: Hey, Sonny, Red, you boys having a good time?

Red: Count on it, Tiny Elvis.

Sonny: Takin’ care of business, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s good man, that’s real good. Hey, Sonny, Red! Look how big that lamp is, man! That’s hu-u-uge!

Sonny: [ laughs ]

Red: That’s right, E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, man, I don’t know how I’d ever turn that thing off, man. That is enormous!

Sonny: That’s right, Elvis, that’s a big lamp! [ slaps his knee ]

Tiny Elvis: Sure is, man. That’s a really big lamp!

Red: That’s hilarious, Elvis!

Sonny: Yeah, Elvis, you’re really funny!

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man.. look at that salt shaker, man. That is huge! Man, I’ll never be able to use all that salt, man. That is way too much!

Red: Yeah, that’s a big salt shaker, Elvis!

Tiny Elvis: Sure is huge, man.

Sonny: That’s hilarious, Elvis!

Red: Score another one for the Tiny E!

Sonny: Man, we can’t keep up with you!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying it’s a big salt shaker, that’s all.

Red: [ laughing ] There he goes again! That’s why he’s the Tiny E.

Sonny: Hey, stand next to it. Come on, E, that’d be real cute!

Tiny Elvis: [ taking offense ] Whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you saying, man?

Sonny: What’s the matter, Tiny E?

Tiny Elvis: What, are you calling me “cute”, man?

Sonny: I’m sorry, Tiny E..

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man, I’m not cute! I’m a blackbelt in karate! I got a good mind to climb up your shirt and give your lower a lip a roundhouse kick!

Sonny: I’m sorry. Sorry.

Tiny Elvis: Well, I could split your lip in 79 kicks, man!

Red: Well, he didn’t mean anything by it, Tiny Elvis.

Tiny Elvis: Well, alright.. let’s go for a ride.

Red: I’m with you, Elvis.

Sonny: Count me in, Tiny E.

Tiny Elvis: Well, tell Joe to bring the car around.

[ the scene shifts to the boys riding with Tiny Elvis in his car. Tiny Elvis stands atop the dashboard. ]

Tiny Elvis: Turn left here, man!

Driver: You’re the man, Elvis.

Sonny: Good call, Tiny King.

Tiny Elvis: Hey, man! Look at that knob on that radio! Man, that is hu-u-uge!

[ the boys laugh ]

Sonny: Man, you’re going tonight, Tiny E!

Tiny Elvis: Well, I’m just saying that’s a big knob, that’s all. Alright, it looks pretty dead out. Tiny E’s gonna get some shuteye. [ curls up on the dashboard ]

Driver: You do that, Tiny E!

Sonny: Oh, look at him, Red. That’s adorable!

Red: Yeah, he looks like a tiny mouse.

Driver: You know what would be really cute? If Elvis would lay his little head down on a miniature marshmallow.

Red: [ laughing ] Hey, put a little acorn on his head and use it for a helmet!

[ the boys laugh harder ]

Sonny: Man, he’s so cute, he’s like a buttercup!

[ the boys keep laughing, as Tiny Elvis wakes up ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, what’s that, man? What’s this buttercup stuff, man?

Driver: Oh.. we’re sorry, Elvis.. We thought you was asleep..

Tiny Elvis: [ outraged ] What, you doing that again?! Who’s the buttercup, ME?!

Sonny: We’re sorry, Elvis..

Tiny Elvis: Well, that’s it! Out of the car, all of you!

[ the Driver slams on the brakes and they all exit the car ]

Driver: Alright.

Red: Good call.

Sonny: You’re the King, Tiny E!

[ the scene shifts to Tiny Elvis kneeling against the dashboard, with one hand gripped to the steering wheel ]

Tiny Elvis: Oh, man! Look at this steering wheel! That is hu-u-uge!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts