Jack Handey V/O: I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.
plus shop for all your baby needs. britax car seats, similac, baby registry and more.Get $10 offyour first order of diapers use code JALX4547$49 min. total order Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 1
[ open on a married couple trying to think of a name for their unknown baby ]
Wife: I was thinking about Joseph.
Husband: [ turned off ] Joseph?
Wife: Yeah. Joseph.
Husband: Well.. it’s a nice name, but the kids are gonna call him “Joe Blow”. I mean, as long as you know that. Or “Sloppy Joe”, you know.. “How are Mr. & Mrs. Schmo?”
Wife: Well, I guess that’s true..
Husband: I mean, it’s a nice name.
Wife: Well, that’s alright. How about John? That’s nice and simple.
Husband: What, are you serious?
Wife: Well, yeah.
Husband: John? You want to do that to the kid?
Wife: Do what? Husband: [ mimicking ] “Hey, John! Hey, let’s go to the john. Huh, John? Let’s go!”
Wife: Well.. wouldn’t he outgrow those jokes?
Husband: Look, kids are mean. I just want him to have a happy childhood, too.. but, “Long John Silver”? I mean, I don’t know what to say!
Wife: Okay, okay, okay.. Well.. um.. what about Peter?
Husband: Oh, right. Sure. Peter. Let’s just put him up for adoption right now, save the kid a lot of agony. I mean, obviously – no Peter, no Dick, no Rod! Can we just discuss this intelligently, please?
Wife: Yes, we can. [ thinking ] Okay.. um.. William.
Husband: William. Good. “Wee Willie!” “Chilly Willy!” “Willie Wonka! Hey! Where’s your chocolate factory?! Oompa-Loompa” every day of his life!
Wife: Ddi you get teased a lot as a kid?
Husband: [ defensive ] No, I did not. Did you tease a lot of kids? Because, judging from these names you’re picking, you don’t seem to be very sensitive.
Wife: Okay, I’ll just keep trying.. What about Fred?
Husband: [ sighing ] Please.. Fred, Frank.. lease, the F’s are no good. If he’s fat, it’s just a disaster.
Wife: Okay, alright. Um.. Sam?
Husband: Great. Sam. “Uncle Sam.” “I want you.. to be ostracized!“
Wife: Then, let’s Paul.
Husband: Right. Paul. “Hey, Paul, where’s Peter and Mary?!”
Wife: What?
Husband: Peter, Paul and Mary. “Hey, Paul! Play me a folk song, and then I’ll beat the crap out of you!
Wife: Well, at this point, I’d just settle for anything. How about.. Jack?
Husband: [ thinking ] Hmm.. yeah.. yeah, Jack’s a fine name.
Wife: Really?
Husband: Oh, yeah.. as long as we make his middle name O’Lantern! Because that is what everyone’s gonna call him!
Wife: Okay.. fine.. what about ben?
Husband: Ben! Oh, fine, we’re giving birth to a big bear? Great! “Gentle Ben!” “Hey, Ben, where’s Jerry? Get me some ice cream, or I’ll beat the crap outta ya’!
Wife: We could call him “Benjamin”.
Husband: Sure. Benjamin. Harrison! “Hey, Benjamin, how’s that tariff coming?! Montana a state yet?!”
Wife: Well, what about.. Todd?
Husband: [ stretching for an excuse ] Todd.. Todd.. Tad! “Tadpole!” Our son’s a tadpole! “Hey, Tadpole, I don’t like you! Thank your parents!”
Wife: Now, come on, I said “Todd”, not “Tad”. You changed the name, that’s cheating.
Husband: Yeah, and it took five seconds. It might take a kid ten.
Wife: [ sighing ] Okay.. what about Harry?
Husband: “Hey, Harry, where are the Hendersons?!”
Wife: Oh, come on! Nobody even saw that movie!
Husband: Kids saw it! Alright, one more.. come on, we can do it..
Wife: Alright. Um.. Nate.
Husband: “The Nate Rockne Story.” “Hey, Nate, where’s the Gipper?”
Wife: What?
Husband: [ pacing the room ] Na-ate! Na-ate! Do you like that sound? Well, you better get used to it! [ his wife walks across the room ] Hey, where are you going?
Wife: [ leafing through book ] I’m looking at this Baby Name book, I thought it could help us.. [ looking through book ] How about Bjaardker?
Husband: [ intrigued ] Oh?
Wife: Bjaardker. It’s Icelandic.
Husband: [ considering ] Yeah.. that’s a tough little name to crack. That could be good. [ puts his face up to his Wife’s belly ] Hey, Bjaardker, little fellow. You might just have a good childhood, after all. [ Wife laughs ] Talk to you later.
Wife: I love you.
Husband: I love you. [ they kiss, as the doorbell rings ] You sit, honey.
Wife: Alright.
Husband: [ answering the door ] Yes?
Telegram Deliverer: Hi, how you doing? I’ve got a telegram here for a Mr. & Mrs. Asswipe Johnson. I’m supposed to read it. [ holds telegram ] “Dear Asswipe & Emily: Congratulations on your upcoming blessed event. All our love, Bob & Diane.” Here you go, Sir. [ hands him the telegram ]
Husband: Uh.. listen.. that’s “Os-wee-pay“.
Telegram Deliverer: [ confused ] What?
Husband: Uh.. forget it, forget it.. [ closes the door and sits next to his wife ]
Wife: That was really nice of Bob and Diane.
Husband: [ sighs ] Yeah, but why do they have to mention my name so much?
Saturday Night Live Transcripts Season 18: Episode 1 ]]>
Air Date: Host: Musical Guest: Special Guests: Cameos: Bit Players:
September 26th, 1992 Nicolas Cage Bobby Brown Jan Hooks Lorne Michaels Cher Rob Smigel Terry Turner Bonnie Turner Christine Zander Husbands and WivesSummary: Woody Allen (Dana Carvey) and Soon-Yi Previn (Rob Schneider) awkwardly run into Mia Farrow (Jan Hooks) and Alan Dershowitz (Rob Smigel) outside the movie theater during a presenation of “Husbands and Wives”. Recurring Characters: Woody Allen, Mia Farrow, Soon-Yi Previn, Tony Roberts, Alan Dershowitz, Frank Sinatra. Transcript
Montage
Nicolas Cage’s MonologueSummary: Nicolas Cage delights in talking about his female co-stars’ body parts. Transcript
The Adventures of Tiny ElvisSummary: Tiny Elvis (Nicolas Cage) marvels at the enormity of the normal-sized objects that surround him. Transcript
Ross Perot Makes a DealSummary: Ross Perot (Dana Carvey) offers complete strangers money to perform bizarre stunts for his own pleasure, as proof of his own power. Recurring Characters: Ross Perot.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey recalls his Uncle Caveman. Note: Hub, Helios. Repeat from: 91l.
Bobby Brown performs “Humpin’ Around”
Weekend Update with Kevin NealonSummary: Kevin Nealon delivers a subliminal commentary about Bill Clinton. Chris Rock comments on the first day of school. Opera Man (Adam Sandler) sings about Madonna and other recently celebrity gaffes. Transcript
Baby NamesSummary: Mr. Asswipe Johnson ( Nicolas Cage) is extra-sensitve about choosing a name for wife’s (Julia Sweeney) expectant child. Transcript
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey muses on the top thing an Indian can do. Transcript
NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Dana Carvey) moderates a Q&A session between Gov. Bill Clinton (Phil Hartman) and a series of stupid-yet-undecided voters. Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton. Transcript
Bobby Brown performs “Good Enough”
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders what frightens ants the most.
The Queen Shenequa ShowSummary: Queen Shenequa (Ellen Cleghorne) raps with Bobby Brown. Recurring Characters: Queen Shenequa.
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey ponders a world gone mad. Transcript
Mr. Casual Sex
Deep ThoughtsSummary: Jack Handey offers a suggestion of what to do if you go temporarily insane. Note: Repeat from: 91l.
SummaryToo bad for Dana Carvey. Republican President George Bush wasn’t re-elected during the 1992 season, nor was Independent candidate Ross Perot elected. Instead, the victory went to Phil Hartman.. uh.. make that Democratic candidate Bill Clinton. Carvey said goodbye to frequent cold opening shouts of “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”, then said goodbye to six-and-a-half years of being a cast member to leave “SNL” midseason. More and more, the newer, younger cast members were dominating the show from the old-school antics of Carvey, Hartman, Kevin Nealon and Mike Myers. Chris Farley began to portray a portly motivational speaker named Matt Foley, David Spade created “Hollywood Minute” as a forum for making snide comments about celebrities more famous than himself, and Adam Sandler took to singing badly-rhymed acoustic guitar offerings. A highlight of this season can be found in guest appearances by former cast member Jan Hooks, who returned periodically to portray America’s staunchiest First-Lady alongside of Hartman’s President Clinton.