SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Girls Gone Wild!

Daughter…..Kate Hudson
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Mom…..Molly Shannon

Daughter: Hey, what are you watching?

Dad: An E! Celebrity Profile on Drew Carey.

Mom: It’s very good. Now, he’s from Cleveland – I didn’t know that.Sit down, honey, it’s a very good show.

Dad: It’s so good to have you home from college!

Daughter: I know, I miss hanging out with you guys!

Dad: We miss hanging out with you, kiddo!

[ cut to commercial on television ]

Television Announcer : Warning! The following commercial is foradults only! “Girls Gone Wild” just got wilder! “Girls Gone Wild” onSpring Break! Our cameras captured real girls, college co-eds, sororitygirls – unbuttoned and uncensored! [ Daughter is shown exposing herselfto the cameras in the commercial ] Actual videos of girls who go to SpringBreak, break the rules and hang out! Order today!

[ cut back to the shocked family ]

Mom: [ upset ] I cannot believe this!

Dad: My little girl.. why?

Daughter: It.. it wasn’t me..

Daughter: Come on, Shelley – we know it was you!

Mom: I know.. I’m sorry..

Dad: What happened?

Daughter: I don’t know, it was Spring Break, I got carried away..

Dad: I’ll say.

Daughter: I mean, if I let you guys down, I’m really sorry.

Mom: [ thinking ] Well.. we all make mistakes..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: Yeah, hopefully no one saw it. [ answers phone ] Hello. Yes,Grandma, we saw it, too. No.. no, it’s not her – but it looks likeher. No. Alright, Grandma, talk to you later. [ hangs up ] Perfect. I justlied to Grandma.

Daughter: I’m sorry, guys..

Mom: Well, we’re disappointed.. but it is just a little mistake, so..

Dad: Well, let’s just forget it, and watch “Walker, Texas Ranger”..

[ cut to “48 Hours” on the television ]

Television Announcer: Tomorrow night on “48 Hours”: what parentsdon’t know about Spring Break. [ more wild footage of Daughter onSpring Break is shown, complete with guy licking whipped cream off herchest ] Shocking videos that show you just how wild things get.

[ cut back to upset family ]

Dad: Sonofabitch! I can’t believe this!

Mom: [ more upset ] Shelley!

Daughter: Oh, my God! I mean, it was just that once! Thatweekend in South Padre Island!

Dad: [ answers ringing phone ] Yeah? Yeah, Grandma, we saw it.Yes, it’s her. Hold on, that’s the other line. [ picks up other line ]Hello? Yes, Nana – it’s your other grandma – yes, we saw it. I’llcal you back.

Mom: Okay, this is horrible!

Dad: We did not send you to college for that! You can pay forcollege yourself with the money you made from that tape.

Daughter: I didn’t get any money from that tape..

Dad: Well, good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of youshowing your coconuts!

Daughter: I’m sorry.. I messed up.

Mom: Well.. let’s just it go, Malcolm. She made a little mistake.

Dad: I can’t believe this.. I’ll be the laughingstock at thecourthouse.

Daughter: Oh, Dad, it’s not your mistake. And as long as youdon’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.

Dad: [ mulling it over ] ..I.. guess you’re right

[ cut to television airing “COPS” – drunken Daughter being arrested andtelling all ]

Daughter on Television: My father is Malcolm Bills! He works inthe county courthouse..

[ cut to the family ]

Dad: Wonderful. You said my name. Everyone at work will know.

Daughter: [ mad at herself ] Oh, I forgot about that!

Television Announcer: “Girls Gone Wild” just got even wilder!Introducing the new “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras”.

Dad: Thank God you didn’t go with us to Mardi Gras last year.. [ eyeswiden ] Oh, my God, no!

[ cut to television – Mom shown exposing herself at Mardi Gras ]

Television Announcer: It’s not just college girls who get into the actat Mardi Gras..!

[ cut back to the family ]

Dad: Honey?

Mom: It was the Mardi Gras, and they were giving out the beads..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: You know what? Let’s just let the machine get that, okay?

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 18th, 2002

Winona Ryder

Moby

Alex Trebek

Neil Diamond

Moby, “We Are All Made Of Stars”

Carter In Cuba

Fidel Castro (Will Ferrell) ridicules Jimmy Carter (Darrell Hammond) during visit.

Recurring Characters: Jimmy Carter, Fidel Castro.

Winona Ryder’s Monologue

Ryder watches footage from studio’s new security cameras.

Celebrity Jeopardy

Rock & Roll version with Dave Matthews (Jimmy Fallon) and Bjork (Ryder).

The real Alex Trebek cancels Final Jeopardy.

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery.

Uncle Mike & Uncle Danny

Bride’s (Ryder) two dads (Chris Parnell, Will Ferrell) sing at her wedding.

Bearologist

Bearologist (Will Ferrell) takes blame when Bear (Seth Meyers) kills wife.

Botox

Poison injections keep women’s faces wrinkle-free.

Girl Next Door: The Search For A Playboy Centerfold

One-legged girl (Amy Poehler) hopes to become centerfold.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

Tina Fey delivers rant against having a baby by Age 27.

Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Cherry, Cherry” with 2002 All-Stars.

Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond, Gay Hitler, Drunk Girl, Geraldo Rivera.

Moby performs “We Are All Made Of Stars”

Love-ahs

Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) enjoy more hot tub loving.

Recurring Characters: Roger Clarvin, Virginia Clarvin.

Mango

Shopping with Ryder and Moby, Mango (Chris Kattan) shoplifts.

Recurring Characters: Mango.

Moby performs “South Side”

Will Ferrell Farewell

Cast members relate Will Ferrell’s importance to the show.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

US officials continue the search for Osama Bin Ladin. Reports suggest that Bin Ladin is most likely somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theatres showing the movie “Glitter.”

According to the New York Post, the Mafia has stolen more than 250 tons of scrap metal from lower Manhatten. A spokesman for the Gambino Family said, “Hey, dah mayor told us to go back to work!”

This week, Elizabeth Dole announced that she’s entering the Senate race in North Carolina. Mrs. Dole said she felt it was imperative at this moment that she do something to get away from Crazy Viagra McGee.

Dole will be running for the Senate seat vacated by Jesse Helms. Mrs. Dole said if she wins Helms’ seat, she will have it steam-cleaned to get rid of that “old people smell”.

Last week, Don King pledged $500,000 to relief charities; but this week, somehow the charities owe him $600,000.

A man who owns a Middle-Eastern restaurant named Osama’s Place says he won’t change the name since it was named for the original owner, not Osama Bin Laden. Though, he a had harder time explaining why his other restaurant is named “Hitler’s Chicken”.

MSNBC reporter Ashleigh Banfield, now in Pakistan covering events there, has cut her hair short and died it brown in order to go undercover in the male-dominated country. Take it from me, Ashley: If you think having brown hair and wearing glasses will keep men from noticing you.. you are right.

Jimmy Fallon: Earlier this week, the Rev. Jesse Jackson announced that he had been invited to meet with Afghan Taliban rulers as a possible mediator in the tense standoff over Osama Bin Laden. One of the more bizarre elements of this news is that there is some confusion over who initiated the invite. Here to explain it, the Rev. Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson: Thank you, Jimmy. Thank you, Tina. And thank you, America. For the record, I did not contact the Taliban; they, in fact, contacted me. What happened was this: I had a hang-up on my machine, so I star-sixty-nined, and they said, “Hello?” And I said, “Who is this?” And they said, “Who is this?” And I said, “You called me.” And they said, “You called us.” And I said, “I star-sixty-nined you!” They admitted it was the Taliban. Then I had a great laugh over what transpired. I immediately called the appropriate people in Washington, D.C., let them know I’d been contacted by the Taliban first. I then called my friend Gary to tell them how weird it was that the Taliban called. I pushed the redial button by mistake. I accidentally got the Taliban. At first, Jimmy, I thought it was my friend Gary being funny.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah! You would.. you would think that!

Jesse Jackson: Because he was like, “Agga gaga”

Jimmy Fallon: That sounds like Gary!

Jesse Jackson: But then I realized it was the Taliban. It was not my friend Gary. So I jokingly said, “Come, Mr. Taliban, Tali-me banana.” After that, it was a very uncomfortable moment.

Jimmy Fallon: I can see why!

Jesse Jackson: They said they were on the other line, they had to take that call. And we played phone tag over the next few days. I left several messages on their machine, suggesting we get together and talk – which had been their idea in the first place. Finally, a spokesman for the Taliban at the Afghan embassy in Pakistan called me and told me to stop calling. Which I took to mean that I would be welcome to come over and broker a deal. Once again, I called the relevant parties in Washington, they said they would be happy to send me to Afghanistan – I could even take comedian Bill Mahar with me. They even had a specific cave we could wait in until they dropped us a message. Jimmy.. Tina.. I anxiously awaited my opportunity to help in a time of crisis.

Jimmy Fallon: I appreciate that. Jesse Jackson, everyone. [ noticing his combed hair on the monitor ] What is going on with my hair, for heaven’s sake?

Tina Fey: You should have spent more money on that wig.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks like a wig, doesn’t it? [ musses up his hair, making it look worse ]

According to his daughter, the comic actor Jerry Van Dyke is trying to retire from show business – which raises an interesting question: Who’s stopping Jerry van Dyke from retiring from show business?

Elton John this week admitted he is still sexually attracted to women, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept with one in 9 years. He said that the woman he is most attracted to is George Clooney.

Jimmy Fallon: The first week of Maine’s annual moose hunt began on Monday and ends tommorrow –

Tina Fey: Wait, wait, wait. Are you serious?

Jimmy Fallon: What? Yeah.

Tina Fey: It’s just that I promised mysled I would kill a moose this year, and now it’s too late. Aargh, I never finish anything!

Jimmy Fallon: That’s not true, Tina. You’re one of the most disciplined people I know.

Tina Fey: If that were true, I’d be eating moose jerky right now.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. Maine’s having an extra week of moose hunting this season starting October 8th! You can shoot a moose then, just don’t put it off until the last second, Tina.

Tina Fey: I won’t, Jimmy. I won’t squander the second chance Maine has given all of us to shoot a moose!

Together: And.. scene.

At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Jeniro was cancelled last friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment.

Organizers of the orgy were expecting 1500 men, and 8 women.

Health officials are investigating a link between a cluster of E. Coli cases at a county fair. It was disovered that all 20 people reporting symptoms not only attended the fair, but participated in the manure-eating contest.

Following last November’s election problems, Palm Beach County, Florida will switch to touch-screen voting machines. In early tests, elderly voters responded favorably to the touch-screens, then spent twenty minutes waiting for their money to come out.

Tina Fey: Our final story tonight: New York City is awesome. If you would like to donate to the Twin Towers Fund to help in the relief effort here in New York City, call the number on your screen: 1-877-870-4278.

Jimmy Fallon: Please give what you can. Anything. With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 27: Episode 1

01a: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys

Farting Baby

White Mother…..Reese Witherspoon
White Father…..Will Ferrell
Grandmother…..Ana Gasteyer
Dr. Cleeten…..Chris Kattan
Black Mother…..Maya Rudolph
Black Father…..Tracy Morgan

[open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]

White Father: Aw, look at him.

White Mother: Oh, I still can’t believe it! He’s so beautiful. We made that.

White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He’s so peaceful.

Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.

White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can’t believe it. He’s ours.

White Father: I love you.

[woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]

White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?

White Mother: That was his first fart!

[man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]

White Mother: That’s so cute!

White Father: You’re gonna be just like your dad.

White Mother: Let’s hope not.

[baby farts again]

White Father: Ooh! Little fella’s got gas.

White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food…

White Father: He looks fine to me.

[baby farts louder]

White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I’m the fart guy in this family.

[baby continues farting]

White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?

Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He’ll be fine.

White Father: I’ll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This – this can’t be normal. This can’t be…normal at all.

White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby’s back] There, there. Mommy’s here. That’s okay. Just let it out.

[farting continues]

White Father: Okay, I – I gotta call someone.

Grandmother: That isn’t normal. That isn’t normal.

White Father: No. No.

White Mother: Okay, don’t panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.

White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Mother: There’s nothing I can do. I’m patting his back.

[burping joins farting]

White Father: Ooh! Now’s he’s…he’s burping now! Stop it baby!

Grandmother: Call the doctor!

White Father: Stop it, baby!

White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now!

[time passes; farting and burping continue]

White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won’t stop farting and burping!

White Father: We’re – we’re worried sick!

Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It’s probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What’s going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here’s the problem. His diaper’s on too tight.

[mother sighs with relief]

Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.

[farting and burping stop]

White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.

[baby pees into the air]

Dr. Cleeten: …And pee!

[farting and burping resume]

White Mother: Oh my god. He’s peeing everywhere!

Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!

White Father: Do something!

Dr. Cleeten: I’ve never seen this.

Grandmother: This – this – this isn’t normal!

White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He’s farting and burping and peeing!

White Father: Here, let me – let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!

White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He’s just a baby, Larry!

White Father: You better stop it!

White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!

White Father: It’s not funny. Go to your room!

Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!

White Mother: You quit it this instant!

Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop!

[farting continues]

White Mother: I’ve got an idea.

White Father: I like it.

Grandmother: Me too.

White Mother: I’ll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.

[mother and grandmother leave]

[Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]

White Father: Coffee?

Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I’m actually trying to cut back.

White Father: Interesting. You’ve cut back on coffee? I’m amazed.

Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and…and that’s it.

White Father: [skeptical] One cup?

Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.

White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That’s beyond intriguing. That’s interesting. That’s really interesting.

Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?

White Father: Yeah.

[mother and grandmother return with black baby]

White Mother: We’re back. It’s a funny thing, honey. That wasn’t our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.

White Father: I knew it! It must’ve been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?

White Mother: Oh, honey it’s a girl.

White Father: Oh.

White Mother: We made her, remember?

White Father: I love you.

[Larry and mother kiss]

[scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby]

[baby farts, burps and pees continuously]

Black Mother: This baby is not ours!

Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin’, little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!

Submitted by: Anthony Rupert

SNL Transcripts

The Presidential Couple

Written by: Dennis McNicholas

Tom Brokaw…….Chris Parnell
Al Gore…….Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell

Tom Brokaw: Good evening America! I’m Tom Brokaw. Another stunning turn of events in the race for the White House. We’ve just learned that Governor Bush and Vice President Al Gore are about to make a joint statement. Is this incredible saga nearing an end? We take you live to Washington.

(Fades to Gore and Bush)

Al Gore: Good evening America. I am Vice President Al Gore.

George W. Bush: And I am the governor of Texas, George W. Bush.

Al Gore: As you know, this election has been the closest in history and the result is still in dispute.

George W. Bush: That’s right, it’s in dispute because some people.. (leans head towards Gore) ..don’t know when they got beat. Look at Florida. I got 2,910,198 votes, and he got a measly 2,909,871. That is an old-school ass-whooping! (laughs) Eat it, Gore!

Al Gore: (chuckles) It’s also in dispute because some people in this race cannot accept losing a popularity contest. If you’ll check the national popular vote, you’ll see that I, Al Gore, have been proven to be, ifso facto, the most popular man in America. Heck, I’m this close to having teenage girls throw their panties at me!

George W. Bush: But listen, we may have our differences, but I don’t want to be dividers. We want to be unificators.

Al Gore: So, a solution has been found that’s both fair and consistent with the will of the American people.

Together: We’re both gonna be President!

Al Gore: Heck, y’all didn’t know who you wanted anyway!

George W. Bush: It’s true. It’s gonna be great. Hey C.J.! Roll that tape!

(Images on screen of voters and punch cards)

Announcer V/O: On November, 7th George W. Bush and Al Gore ran for President. But there was no clear winner. So they decided to govern together. But can these two men share the White House without driving each other crazy?

(Image on screen of both at Oval Office desk, caption reads “The Presidential Couple”, music: Theme from “The Odd Couple.” Starring Al Gore and George W. Bush. Goes back to Al Gore and George W. Bush laughing.)

George W. Bush: Man that was cool! Just think of the hilarious possibilities of having two presidents who hate each other’s guts!

Al Gore: For example, I might be having a crucial summit meeting to discuss foreign policy in China…

George W. Bush: And then I’ll leave my laundry lying around in humorous piles!

(The two laugh again)

Al Gore: Did you know that really gets my goat?

(More laughing)

Al Gore: (suddenly very somber face) Now, what happens…what happens if we come to a complete standstill on an issue facing the nation?

George W. Bush: Like, what if Al wants to appoint a pro-choice justice to the Supreme Court, and I want to appoint the Texas Rangers?

Al Gore: Well, don’t worry, America.. don’t worry, America. George W. came up with a fair and impartial system by which we can arbitrate any conceivable dispute.

George W. Bush: It’s called Rock, Paper, Scissors. I learned it in college. (Smirks)

Al Gore: Let’s show the American people how it works, George. Ok. One, two three.

(Al has paper, George W. has rock.)

George W. Bush: Hah! I beat you!

Al Gore: I disagree George. As you can see, I’ve got paper. Paper beats rock.

George W. Bush: What?

Al Gore: Paper beats rock!

George W. Bush: I got a rock! How does paper beat rock? Face it, nerd boy, you lost indisputably. I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: No, I’m wrapping it up.

George W. Bush: Unbelievable!

Al Gore: Well there’s no need to get snippy!

George W. Bush: My brother Jeb told me I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this!

George W. Bush: Oh, really? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth Cross for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

First Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Live, from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts, the first Presidential Debate. Here is moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I’m Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this, the first of three debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice-President Al Gore. Now, let’s meet the candidates. [ Gore and Bush step out, shake hands, then stand behind their respective podiums ] Before we begin, I have been asked by the Bush campaign to announce that, for the next three hours only, viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri and Pennsylvania have the option of free Pay-Per-View, courtesy of the Republican National Committee. On Channel 62, “The Perfect Storm”, with George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, the film Mike Clark of USA Today called “The perfect movie”. On Channel 63, the grandeur beauty and savagery of ancient Rome came to life in “Gladiator” with Russell Crowe. [ Al Gore sighs ] “Gladiator. A hero will rise.” Care for something just a bit naughty? On Channel 64, ten Penthouse Pets join forces with ten Playboy Playmates to find the perfect Hustler centerfold, in “Miss Killer Body 2000”. Contains nudity. [ George W. Bush nods his approval ] With that out of the way, let’s begin the debate. Mr. Vice-President, during this campaign, you have frequently called the Bush tax plan a “risky scheme”. Why?

Al Gore: [ speaking slowly and in broken syllables ] Well, Jim..Governor Bush and I have two ve-ry diff-er-ent plans to of-fer tax re-lief to American families. In his plan, the wealthiest 1% of Americans would receive nearly fif-ty per-cent of the ben-e-fits. My plan, Jim, is diff-er-ent. Rather than squand-er the su-plus on a risky tax cut for the wealth-y, I would put it in what I call a.. “lock-box.”

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your response?

George W. Bush: I don’t know what that was all about.. but I’ll tell you this: “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

Al Gore: I didn’t mess with Texas!

Jim Lehrer:Governor Bush, I listened very carefully to the Vice-President’s remarks, and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now, Governor Bush..

Al Gore: [ interrupting ] Jim. May I ust say that in myplan, the “lock-box” would be used only for Social Security and Medicare. It would have two different locks. Now, one of the keys to the “lockbox” would be kept by the President; the other key would be sealed in a small, metal container and placed under the bumper of the Senate Majority Leader’s car.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, the next question is for you. Two weeks ago, at a meeting of the Economic Club in Detroit, you said the following: “More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence, that underscores our values. Every two child did. I will.” What did you mean by that?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor?

[ the exact phrase appears on the monitor for Bush to read ]

George W. Bush: [ reads monitor ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Really? No idea what that could mean?

George W. Bush: Could be.. education?

Al Gore: Jim? I believe what my opponent in-tend-ed to say, wasthat all too often the ex-plic-it sex and whole-sale violence in filmsundermines our values.

George W. Bush: [ snaps finger ] Bingo! That was it! That was it!

Al Gore: I happen to agree with Governor Bush on that, and I commend him for it. But let me add something in my plan. The “lock-box” would also be camoflauged. Now, to all outward appearances, it would be a Leatherbound edition of Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas. But it wouldn’t be. It would be the “lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, this question is for you, and it concerns foreign policy. Last week, in Serbian elections we saw the apparent defeat of President Slobodan Milosevic by challenger Vojislav Kostunica. Yet, Milosevic refused to step aside. As President, would you apply pressure on Milosevic, and openly aid Kostunica and his Novia Serbskaya party? Or, by working with neighbors, such as Karadon Ragonovic of Croatia, Istivan Kajnoinsy of Hungary, or Anton Paslagaros of Greece?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Well.. first of all, I think that any instability in that first country that you mentioned, is troubling.. and clearly the second guy who you spoke of, he beat the first guy. Now, personally, I favor seeking the diplomatic help of the person I’m gonna call “Guy #3”. But I’m not going to pronounce any of their names tonight, because I don’t believe that’s in our national interest.

Jim Lehrer: Vice-President Gore?

Al Gore: Jim, let me here tonight issue a warning to the enemies, or potential enemeies, of the United States: you may think you know the location of the “lock-box”. Maybe you do. Or maybe that’s a decoy. Or a dummy “lock-box”. Only the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, myself and Tipper are gonna know for sure.

Jim Lehrer: Which beings us to our final question. Governor Bush, both you and the Vice-President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior?

Al Gore: Jim, I’d like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell about a friend of mine. [ holds up a picture of an elderly woman ] Her name is Etta Munsen. She’s 94, she’s a widow living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee. Etta was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from poilo, spinal menengitis, lung, liver, and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of styctic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee. Just last week she woke from a coma to find that, due to a hospital mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphillis, and then reattached.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Vice-President, we are short of time..

Al Gore: As you can imagine, Jim.. Etta’s prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly $113 million a day! And she tells me that some weeks she has to choose between eating and treating her Lyme Disease. Now, under my plan, Etta’s prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent’s plan, her house would be burned to the ground. And that is wrong. That is just wrong!

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush? Response?

George W. Bush: I believe that some of those figures may be in-ock-urate.

Al Gore: Jim, what you just heard from my opponent is an attack on my integrity and my character. And I will not reply in kind. Instead, I will take those remarks and tuck them away, away in a tiny “lock-box”, where all bad thoughts go.

Jim Lehrer: Well, that brings us to the close of tonight’s debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.

Al Gore: Jim, may I make two closing statements?

Jim Lehrer: I’m afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?

George W. Bush: Strategery.

Jim Lehrer: [ stunned ] Vice-President Gore.

Al Gore: “Lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: This concludes the first debate. Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Behind The Music: Rock And Roll Heaven

Jim Morrison…..Val Kilmer
Jesus…..Will Ferrell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Rachel Dratch
Jimi Hendrix…..Jimmy Minor
Janis Joplin…..Molly Shannon
Buddy Holly…..Jimmy Fallon
Louis Armostrong…..Tracy Morgan
Keith Moon…..Horatio Sanz
Amelia Earhart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: There’s an old saying in music, and it goes like this: “If there’s a rock and roll heaven, you know they’ve gotta have a hell of a band.” Well, tonight, we’ll explore this phenomenon, as we go up through the clouds, onto the stages, and behind the music of Rock and Roll Heaven.

Heaven. And every day, thousands of young hopefuls arrive by bus accidents, or other means, all vying for one thing – to make it big. But for the recently dead Jim Morrison, Heaven was proving to be anything but.

Jim Morrison: When I first got here, I was, like, “Whoa, it’s like ‘Candid Camera’, man. I thought for sure I was going to Hell – one of God’s little tricks. Anyway, I was thinking about some sort of revenge, so I decided to start a supergroup.

Narrator: And Morrison chose his super group wisely. On leads guitar, Jimi Hendrix; harmony vocals, Janis Joplin; on drums, the legendary Keith Moon; Morrison recruited the great Buddy Holly on rhythm guitar; and, finally, a Wild Card – Louis Armstrong on trumpet. They were to be the greatest band of all time, and they called themselves The Great Frog Society.

[ show “Exclusive Rehearsal Footage” of The Great Frog Society ]
Jim Morrison: [ singing ]
“And now, I’ve broke on through
Well, I’ve still got a question for you:
Now we’re on the other side
What do we do, now that we’ve died?
Not this side, the other side
Not this side, the adjacent side
Yeah!”

[ Louis Armstrong steps forward for his trumpet solo ]

Narrator: Luckily for the band, in the audience, at one of their earlier performances, was record producer, and Son of God, Jesus.

Jesus: When I first heard The Great Frog Society, I was, like, “Oh.. my.. Dad!” I signed them immediately!

Narrator: Their first release, “Mourn The Great Frog Society”, was an immediate success. And, from the start, the band was the talk of Heaven.

Fan #1: The Great Frog Society is the best band ever!

Fan #2: Oh, my God! They’re the best! The best ever!

Narrator: But offstage things were falling apart..

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “But offstage things were falling apart,” is a registered trademark of VH1 and “Behind the Music.”

[ show beginning downfall of the band ]

Narrator: The immense success of the band led to in-fighting, and a clash of egos.

Jimi Hendrix: I gotta tell you, man.. your vibes are really bumming me out.

Jim Morrison: No, man. I’m The Great Frog Society guy, man. I can do anything.

Jimi Hendrix: Now, see? That’s what I’m talking about, man!

Janis Joplin: Man, we’re here for the music, you know?

Buddy Holly: Well, I’ll tell you this much.. if this doesn’t get any better, than I qui-i-i-it!

Louis Armstrong: Hey, everybody? Why all the fussing and fighting? Every time I get mad, I just sing a song! Wop-bop-a-lu-bop..!

Keith Moon: [ bangs drums ] That’s it! I quit! [ runs out of studio ]

Narrator: Adding to the mounting pressure was the band’s increasing frustration with Morrison’s new girlfriend, famed aviatrix, Amelia Earheart.

Jim Morrison: Hey, guys. This is my gal, Amelia. Sing your song – she wrote it, it’s great. Listen.

[ other band members groan ]

Amelia Earhart: [ singing ]
“Hey, Guy, don’t you know you have my heart?
Lucky guy, you’re my forever guy
Okay guy!”

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful.

Janis Joplin: I’m outta here.

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful!

[ they all leave in disgust ]

Narrator: But the worst news was yet to come, when, on January 28th, 1982, Jim Morrison received a phone call informing him that his bandmate and longtime friend Buddy Holly had been reincarnated as a sheep.

Jim Morrison: When we lost Buddy, man, I just.. is it recording? No music, man.. No Doors.. [ close-up ] I think I’m having a nervous breakdown..

Narrator: Dubbed “The Day The Music Was Reincarnated”, it proved to be a death knell for the band. It was the end of The Great Frog Society. And, for the next few years, the band members went their separate ways. Jim Morrison was reincarnated as this little girl; Jimi Hendrix became a businessman; Janis Joplin came back as a sumo wrestler; and Louis Armstrong became a tree stump. But The Great Frog Society are nothing, if not survivors. And we end tonight’s “Behind The Music” with exclusive footage of the surviving members’ reunion, as they perform The Doors’ classic “The End”. For The Great Frog Society, it’s most definitely the beginning.

[ as credits roll, show Little Girl and other reincarnated band members singing “The End” ]

Little Girl: “This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother.. I want to.. auggghhhh!!!“

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Centaur Job Interview

Boss…..Christopher Walken
Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Centaur…..Chris Parnell

[ open at the end of a job interview at Mercy General Hospital ]

Boss: I’m sorry, Dr. Wallace.. but I’m afraid we’re looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our Chief Resident position.

Applicant: I understand. So, did I get the job?

Boss: No. you didn’t.

Applicant: [ relieved ] Thank you! You won’t regret this! I’ll see you Monday morning!

Boss: You didn’t get the job. [ Applicant exits, as he speaks into his intercom ] Debbie.. please send in the next applicant.

[ Centaur enters ]

You must be Dr. Lemmon. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. You’ve come highly recommended.

Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won’t hold that against me.

Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we’re becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.

Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually shared the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.

Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.

Centaur: Thank you.

Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a Centaur?

Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I’ve heard them all?

Boss: Can I ride you?

Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!

Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?

Centaur: Hmm.. I don’t know..

Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?

Centaur: I.. I see what you’re saying.. but, again, I don’t know.

Boss: Because, it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.

Centaur: Right.. uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?

Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?

Centaur: Uh.. neither. I’m really only attracted to other Centaurs.

Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?

Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?

Boss: This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse’s rear end?

Centaur: Uh.. I don’t.. where is the head, exactly?

Boss: It’s in the barn.. or behind a door, or a vase, or something.. so you can’t see it.

Centaur: Uh.. I might be attracted to it – briefly.

Boss: Okay. So, let’s say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end.. and it’s guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had.. but you’d never know if it was as horse or as Centaur?

Centaur: Hmm.. you know, that’s pretty intriguing.. uh.. if I’d really never know, I guess I would.

Boss: It was a horse.

Centaur: Oh, come on!

Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now.. could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?

Centaur: Yes.

Boss: Do you dump wherever you’re standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Boss: I’ve seen that establishment. You eat steak.. is that some kind of cannibalism?

Centaur: I’m sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?

Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um.. here we go.. Is there Centaur pornography?

Centaur: That is not a medical question!

Boss: Do you want this job?

Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.

Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn.. but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard.. would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?

Centaur: Well.. maybe.. But you’ve got to remember that, at some point, there’s gonna be a horse penis in there.

Boss: Fair enough. I think that’s all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we’ll be in touch.

Centaur: I appreciate it. Um.. can I just ask you: did I get the job?

Boss: No. I’m sorry.. we don’t hire dirty Centaurs.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts