Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
I wish scientists would come up with a way
to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head.
That way, they’d still be good as watchdogs,
but they wouldn’t eat so much.
SNL Tonight
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
Children need encouragement.
If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess.
That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
If you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner,
but you don’t like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else,
just pretend like you’re eating it, but instead,
put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball.
Then, later, when you’re out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground.
Then say, “Boy, these are good cigars!”
Action Cats
Action Cats
Jingle: [ over logo ] Action Caaaaaats!
[ show pet cat creeping around wearing toy armor on its back ]
Announcer: Uh-oh.. it’s the big cat, with the big guns!
Kids: Wow!
Jingle: [ over logo ] Action Caaaaaats!
[ second cat wearing armor creeps out ]
Announcer: But he’s no match for Missile Missy.
Kids: Look out! Look out! Fire! Fire! [ fires plastic missiles from one cat to the other ]
Jingle: [ over logo ] Action Caaaaaats!
[ third cat wearing armor creeps out ]
Announcer: And, look out, because here comes Stego-Puss!
Jingle: [ over logo ] Action Caaaaaats!
Kids: Alright!
Announcer: Collect all 22 Action Cats. Including: Skela-Kitty, Laser Gal, Cat-Atomic, Spider-Cat, and all the rest. Then, you’ll say..
Kids: Action Cats are awesome!
[ show pet kitten wearing a smaller, lighter set of plastic armor ]
Announcer: Buy now, and get a free mini-mite.
Jingle: [ over logo ] Action Caaaaaats!
Announcer: Action Cats, by Kidco. Batteries and cats sold separately.
SNL Transcripts: Mary Stuart Masterson: 03/21/92
Air Date:
Host:Musical Guest:Special Guests:
March 21st, 1992
Mary Stuart Masterson
En Vogue
None
En Vogue, “Free Your Mind”
After losing Democratic nomination, Pat Buchahan (Phil Hartman) endures barbs.Recurring Characters: John McLaughlin, Pat Buchanan.
Masterson very quickly shows off her stupid and vulgar side.
Lisa Pongrasic (Masterson) deters drug smugglers thanks to her condition.
His wife (Julia Sweeney) remembers his birthday with male stripper (Tim Meadows).Recurring Characters: Lyle Billup.
Dealing with unwanted Thanksgiving food.
Recurring Characters: Denise Swerski, Cajunman.
Sorority graduate (Masterson) has since joined the real world and left herself behind.Recurring Characters: Pam, Di, Meg.
Helping children develop a lucky feeling.
Bigger dogs with smaller heads.
Recurring Characters: Ed McMahon.
SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 03/14/92: Star Trek Democrats
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 17: Episode 15
91o: John Goodman / Garth Brooks
Star Trek Democrats
Jerry Brown…..Dana Carvey
Paul Tsongas…..Al Franken
Trekkie # 1…..Mike Myers
Bill Clinton…..Phil Hartman
Trekkie # 2…..Chris Farley
[Video of the White House exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Now, C-SPAN continues its coverage of the 1992presidential campaign with “Road to the White House.”
[Video of the exterior of a Marriott hotel.]
C-SPAN Announcer: On Friday, former California Governor Jerry Brownspoke to the 17th Annual “Star Trek” Convention at the O’Hare MarriottHotel. Our C-SPAN camera — the only camera we have — was there, aswas our microphone.
[Fade to Jerry Brown at the convention hall podium, addressing anaudience of very geeky “Star Trek” fans. He speaks with greatseriousness and intensity.]
Jerry Brown: Thank you. Thank you, Trekkers. Thank you very much.Now, I want to say that 23 years ago this fall, “Star Trek” wascanceled. And, and I think it’s a shame and a travesty that we don’thave a single prime-time science fiction show on our network scheduletoday. And in the Sixties, if you look at what we did out there inCalifornia, we had “Outer Limits,” we had “Twilight Zone,” “StarTrek,” as well as “Lost in Space,” and now all we have is “Star Trek:The Next Generation,” and that’s in syndication. Now, some people saythere’s not enough audience for science fiction on television, but ifyou go back and look at — and look at when “Star Trek” was canceled,it had a 21 percent share of the audience. Now today, that’s a hit.That’s a “Knots Landing” or a “Tequila and Bonetti.” Now, see, now,we have this giant, bloated Nielsen system in place, and it justperpetuates itself. Now, but under my plan — under my plan, what wehave is a mandatory 13 percent flat audience share, so that shows like”Doctor Who” or “Alien Nation” can stay on and have a chance todevelop, and you won’t have bankrupt programming, you know, like”Matlock” with Andy Griffith — and I’m sorry, but he hasn’t had a newidea in twenty years, and I’ll say it to Andy Griffith’s face. Imean, he may be an honorable man, but what he’s doing is just businessas usual, and I’d like to see “Matlock” off the air. So that we takethat “Matlock” money, right there, and you bring in your best people– Isaac Asimov, your Carl Sagan, some puppeteers — and you put morefantasy scripts in development, because I think R&D is a veryimportant part of getting science fiction shows on the air. And ifyou agree with me, call my 800 number [he holds up a placard with thenumber written on it] “1-800-NOT-FLAKY.”
[Video of Marriott exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later that day, former Massachusetts Senator PaulTsongas addressed the same gathering.
[Fade to Paul Tsongas at the podium. He speaks in a very croaky,high-pitched voice, and constantly gestures with his hands.]
Paul Tsongas: Okay. Okay, now, now, earlier — yeah, Jerry Browntalked, yeah, about “Star Trek,” okay? Y’know, and, and, he puthimself forward as, y’know, the “Star Trek” candidate, okay? [Pausesto cough] Okay, but I was, y’know, the first candidate to, uh, carryaround the “Star Trek” lunchbox, okay? [He holds up said lunchbox]Okay? Now, when Jerry Brown talks about “Star Trek,” okay, what heforgets is that I wrote a book, okay? A book. And it’s here. It’s abook. [He holds up the book] It’s here. It’s “The Insider’s Guide to’Star Trek,'” written by Paul Tsongas, okay, with introduction byDeForest Kelley, okay? So, y’know, read the book, okay, and youdecide, y’know, who is the candidate, y’know, who’s one of you? I sayit’s — I say it’s me. It’s me, okay? Okay. Are there any, um, anyquestions? You, sir, you have a question?
[A Trekkie raises his hand and gets up. He has the same voice as Tsongas.]
Trekkie # 1: Yeah, I just want to say that you’re the first candidateI really feel I can trust, okay? It seems that all the othercandidates just want to be Santa Claus.
Paul Tsongas: I don’t — I don’t want to be Santa Claus.
Trekkie # 1: I know. I know. I know. I know.
Paul Tsongas: Bill Clinton wants to be Santa Claus. I don’t want tobe Santa Claus. Santa Claus was not a leader, okay? Captain Kirk wasa leader. I want to be Captain Kirk, okay?
[The audience applauds. Fade back to Marriott exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: Later, Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton also spoke tothe “Star Trek” Convention.
[Fade to Bill Clinton at the podium.]
Bill Clinton: Thank you. Now, I’m going to be honest with you. I’mnot going to stand up here and pretend that I know as much about “StarTrek” as Senator Tsongas or Governor Brown. I’ve always enjoyed theshow. But I admit that I didn’t get to see it as much as I would haveliked when it was first on. And I’ve been very candid about that. AsI’ve explained, “Star Trek” was on during a very difficult time in mymarriage. But since then, Hillary and I have worked things out andwe’ve managed to see most of the episodes in syndication, and I’vemade no secret about that. Yes, you have a question?
[A Trekkie gets up, flashing the Vulcan hand salute.]
Trekkie # 2: Yes, Governor, what is your reaction to the news thatLeonard Nimoy has endorsed Senator Tsongas?
Bill Clinton: [surprised] What?
Trekkie # 2: Well, you know — the announcement that Leonard Nimoy isbacking Senator Tsongas.
Bill Clinton: [angered] Well, that is a new low in backstabbing!After all his talk about integrity — it’s just a cheap actor’s stunt!And he’s no better than Shatner! He’s no better than Shatner! [Hesmashes his fists on the podium, destroying it, and then beginskicking what’s left of it.]
[Fade back to the White House exterior.]
C-SPAN Announcer: This concludes C-SPAN’s coverage of “Road to theWhite House.” Next on C-SPAN, live from New York, it’s Saturdaynight.
Submtited by: Anonymous
My 75 Kids
My 75 Kids
Cecil Jacobson…..John Goodman
Oldest Son…..Chris Farley
Uncle Charlie…..Dana Carvey
Announcer: “1976-1988. Dr. Cecil Jacobson runs a fertility clinic in Virgina, artificially inseminating unwitting patients with his own sperm.
March 4, 1992. Jacobson is convicted for having fathered as many as 75 children.
March 14, 1992, in a surprise move, the judge suspeds sentencing, and assigns Jacobson the responsibility of caring for the 75 unwanted children and starring with them in a popular situation comedy.”
Jingle: “Raising 75 kids isn’t easy
Takes a lot of patience, and a lot of love
All the sperm in the world couldn’t tear us apart
It takes more than sperm, it takes heart.
When you’re a sperm doctor
A sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”
[ SUPER: “Also Starring: Jamie Farr ]
[ Cecil Jacobson enters living room, where his 75 kids are spread throughout ]
Cecil Jacobson: Kids, I’m home!
75 Kids: Hi, Daaaaaaaddd!!
Young Son: [ ehimpering ] Hi, Dad..
[ all the other kids start crying, too ]
Cecil Jacobson: Whoa, settle down.. what’s wrong with you kids?
Oldest Son: Oh.. Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Margaret and Steven had fights in school, with Jeff Mackenzie, Butch Pierce, Cheryl Hopp, Tommy Russell, Cohen Sisters, and Henry Kahn.
Cecil Jacobson: Oh, boy.. between Jeremy, Todd, Alice, Brian, Maragaret and Steven having fights, and Harold, Chris, Quon Le and Mitch not making the football team, I’ve got a full night’s work! [ laughs ] Well, that’s fatherhood. Now, what was your fight about, Margaret?
Margaret: Wendy Cohen came up to me and said that you’re weird, and that you should be taken out and shot.
Second Son: Yeah. And then they called you the Sperminator.
Cecil Jacobson: [ chuckles ] Well.. I’ll tell you something about Wendy Cohen – she’s my daughter, too! [ laughs ] Okay, who has a birthday today? [ three sons yell out, “Me!” “Me!” “Me!” ] Well, come here, you guys! [ chuckles ] Gosh, you’re all growing up.. Aw, look at you, David! Why, I remember the day you were conceived – I was in my office, the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue had just come out, and Elle MacPherson was on the cover. But I was in more of a Paulina mood that day..
Third Son: What about me, Dad?
Cecil Jacobson: Oh, you were an Elle MacPherson.
Fourth Son: How about us?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, that’s an interesting story, uh.. you were a Sear’s catalogue. I had misplaced my Swimsuit Issue.
Fifth Son: How about me, Dad?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were a Sear’s catalogue, also. In fact, you two were out of the same vial!
Sixth Son: What about me?
Cecil Jacobson: Well, you were an accident, I was reading Newsweek. I’m still not sure what happened.
Oldest Son: That’s okay. We love you, Dad!
Cecil Jacobson: Aw, why you’re the best kids a fertility doctor could ever trick his patients into having!
Uncle Charlie: [ enters from kitchen ] Holy geez! What’s going on in here??
Cecil Jacobson: Well, what’s wrong, Uncle Charlie?
Uncle Charlie: Well, look at this carpet! I just vacuumed it! Geez, you 75 kids, with your 150 shoes on! Holy smokes, Dr. Jacobson! Why couldn’t you keep your hands out of your pants!
Cecil Jacobson: Now, come on, Charlie! It’s perfectly natural.
Uncle Charlie: Don’t you “natural”, me! I like to spank it as much as the next guy, but I don’t go aiming into a test tube!
Jingle: “When you’re a sperm doctor
A doctor of sperm.”
[ fade ]
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
It makes me mad when people say
I turned and ran like a scared rabbit.
Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,
who was running to go fight in another fight,
away from the first fight.
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
Jack Handey V/O:
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble
of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,
then the guy at Marineland says,
“You can’t throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish.”
Sure they eat fish, if that’s all you give them!
Man, wise up.
Unforgivable: Natalie Cole
Unforgivable: Natalie Cole
Natalie Cole…..Ellen Cleghorne
Sammy Davis, Jr…..Tim Meadows
Young Elvis…..Rob Schneider
Ethel Merman…..Julia Sweeney
Mama Cass…..Chris Farley
Tammy Wynette…..Melanie Hutsell
Judy Garland…..Mike Myers
Old Elvis…..John Goodman
Announcer: She swept the Grammys with her unforgettable album “Unforgettable”. Now she returns with a new album, “Unforgettable: Natalie Cole Sings With all Her Dad’s Dead Old Friends”.
[ show Natalie Cole in front of old video of Sammy Davis, Jr. ]
Sammy Davis, Jr.: “I knew a man Bojangles and he’d dance for you,
In worn out shoes.” (in worn out shoes)
“With silver hair, a ragged shirt, and baggy pants
The old soft shoe. (the old soft show)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
Mr. Bojangles (Mr. Bojangles)
dance!”
Announcer: And, enjoy Natalie with the Young Elvis.
Young Elvis: “It’s now or never (it’s now)
come hold me tight (come hold)
Kiss me my darling (kiss)
be mine tonight (be..)
Tomorrow will be too late (too..)
it’s now or never (oh..)
My love won’t wait. (won’t wait!)”
Announcer: And..
Ethel Merman: “There’s no business like show business
Like no business I know!”
Announcer: Also..
Mama Cass: “Say “nighty-night” and kiss me (kiss)
Just hold me tight and tell me you’ll miss me (you’ll miss me)
And in your dreams, whatever they be
Dream a little dream of me!”
Announcer: And, of course, the legendary Tammy Wynette.
Tammy Wynette: Hey! I am not dead! (I am not dead)
This is how rumors gets started! (this is how rumors get started)
Cut it out, bitch! (cut it out, bitch)
Announcer: Order now, and you’llalso receive this special collection – Natalie Cole Sings With People Who Died From A Drug Overdose.
Judy Garland: “Forget your troubles, come on, get happy!
You better chase all your cares away.
Sing hallelujah come on, get happy
Get ready for the judgment day!”
Announcer: And, of course, the king of them all – the big Old Elvis.
Old Elvis: “On a cold and gray Chicago mornin’
A poor little baby child is born
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)
And his mama cries (and his mama cries)
’cause if there’s one thing that she don’t need
it’s another little hungry mouth to feed
In the ghetto (in the ghetto)
(In the ghetto)”
Announcer: Call now, operators are standing by.