SNL Tonight

Hollywood Minute

Donna Pearl…..Victoria Jackson
Frank Sinatra…..Phil Hartman
Sammy Davis, Jr……Tim Meadows

Donna Pearl: Hi! i’m Donna Pearl. Moviegoers are flocking to see the re-release of the 1960 epic, “Spartacus”. This restored version includes a controversial nude bathing scene, originlaly cut because its homosexual overotnes were considered too racy for 60’s audiences. Soon, ticket-buyers will be able to view another restored classic from 1960 – “Ocean’s 11”, the Vegas heist film, starring Frank Sinatra’s Rat Pack. This new version includes this scene with a young Frank Sinatra, and a young Sammy Davis, Jr.

[ cut to video footage of Frank rubbing Sammy’s back as he lounges in ahot tub ]

Frank Sinatra: Is that too hard?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man, it’s heaven.

Frank Sinatra: I don’t know.. sitting here with you now – I’ve got some kooky thoughts knocking around in my brain!

Sammy Davis, Jr.: What are you talking about, man?

Frank Sinatra: Your skin.. your skin is like.. what I’m trying to say is.. if you got out of this tub and put on a dress, I’d take you out for the biggest steak you’ve ever seen! So, do I belong in a rubber orom, or what?

Sammy Davis, Jr.: No, man. Some cats dig chicks, and some catsdig other cats. And if it’s alright with you, then it’s alright with the Man Upstairs.

Frank Sinatra: Hey. Stay in there much longer, and you’re gonnalook like a raisin!

[ Sammy laughs, as Frank wraps him in a towel and sneaks a peek at hislower half – scene zooms off ]

Donna Pearl: This has been Donna Pearl, with a “Hollywood Minute”!

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land.
He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her.
But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.
Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, “Dust to dust,”
some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.
At his hanging, he told the others,
“I’ll be waiting for you in heaven – with a gun.”

SNL Transcripts

Balz-Off

Wife…..Jan Hooks
Husband…..Kevin Nealon

Wife: [ entering house ] When I started back to work, there were not enough hours in the day. It seemed that life was divided between my job and my family. I was exhausted and run-down. So I asked my doctor hat to do, and he recommended this.. [ holds up package ] .. Balz-off.

Husband: Hi, honey! I got off work early, so I came straight home and fixed dinner. But don’t get up – just relax!

Wife: Non-prescription Balz-Off is safe, gentle to the stomach, and it works.

Husband: Here you go.

Wife: Why, thank you, honey!

Husband: Can I get you anything else?

Wife: [ as phone rings ] You can get the phone!

Husband: Sure, I’d love to. [ answers phone ]

Wife: Balz-off’s time-release formula last a full twenty-four hours. Two Balz-off tablets with breakfast, and he’s home all evening and glad to be there.

Husband: [ covers mouthpiece of phone ] It’s your mother.

Wife: I don’t want to talk to her.

Husband: She’s busy. Oh, no problem, I would love to take you to the florist.

Wife: It’s easy to use, and it’s effective. Here’s how Balz-off works: [ over silhoette of human male ] Hormonal signals build up here, in the freedom center. These signals are sent to the brain, where they cause pressure and confusion. Balz-Off effectively blocks these signals, eliminating problem behavior before it reaches the brain.

Husband: Dinner’s on the table.

Wife: Thanks. Hey.. isn’t tonight your poker night.

Husband: Yeah, but.. that’s just an excuse to drink beer, smoke big, smelly cigars and talk about women. I don’t think I need that.

Wife: Oh, honey, I’m so proud of you.

Announcer: New, prescription-strength Balz-Off. In regular, and new Italian strength.

SNL Transcripts

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:
May 11th, 1991

Delta Burke

Chris Isaak

Madonna

Chris Isaak, “Wicked Game”

A Message From the President of the United States

Recurring Characters: President George Bush.

Delta Burke’s Monologue

Balz-Off

Wayne’s World

Recurring Characters: Wayne Campbell, Garth Algar.

NRA Theatre

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

On a cowboy literally loving the land.

Chris Isaak performs “Wicked Game”

Weekend Update with Dennis Miller

Weight Watchers Meeting

Recurring Characters: Stuart Smalley.

Hollywood Minute

Recurring Characters: Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis, Jr.

Karaoke Hog

Chris Isaak performs “Diddley Daddy”

Coffee Talk

Recurring Characters: Paul Baldwin.

Yelling At the Kids

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 16: Episode 18

90r: Steven Seagal / Michael Bolton

Nico Tenelli

Nico Tenelli…..Steven Seagal
Richmeister…..Rob Schneider
Police Chief…..Phil Hartman
Police Officer #1…..Julia Sweeney
Police Officer #2…..Chris Farley

[focus on a detective’s office]

Police Chief: Tenelli, I’ve had about all I can stand of your kind of police work. Improper searches, beatings, suspects, ever heard of a little thing called the Bill of Rights? Now I’ve got the ACLU up my behind and the DA has to throw out these indictments! [slams paper on desk]

Nico Tenelli: I caught these two guys with three kilos of cocaine, what do you think they were doing with it, making chalk for girls’ softball games?

Police Chief: Nico, as long as I’m running this department, everybody has civil rights, including drug dealers. And just to make sure you get the picture, Tenelli, I’m taking you off the streets. I want your badge and I want your gun. We’ll see how tough you are sitting behind a typewriter. [Tenelli hands over his badge] Is that clear? [Tenelli hands over his gun]

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, it’s clear. [leaves the office]

Police Officer #1: Welcome to the trenches, Nico. [hands him a paper]

Nico Tenelli: What you want me to do with this?

Police Officer #1: Make three copies, file one, send two to headquarters.

Nico Tenelli: Let me see your head… [strokes her hair and heads toward the door to the copy room]

Police Officer #2: Well, a little less action than you’re used to, huh Nico?

Nico Tenelli: Yeah. [shoves him to the ground and enters the copy room, where he begins to make copies]

Richmeister: Nico! Nico Tenelli, the Tenellimeister, all right! Detective Tenelli, makin’ copies, the Tenellinator!

Nico Tenelli: Hey Rich.

Richmeister: Tenellitola! The guy who breaks the rules, the rule breakster!

Nico Tenelli: Yeah, I’m just trying to make a couple copies, now let me…

Richmeister: Nico Nicopolis!

Nico Tenelli: Do me a favor, shut up, all right?

Richmeister: Nico, the lone wolf! El lobo solo!

Nico Tenelli: I’m not in the mood for this, you know?

Richmeister: All right, Nico. Not in the mood! Bad moon for the Niguana!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me, I’m serious, I think you’d better shut up now, you know what I’m saying?

Richmeister: [singing in an operatic tone] Nickski!

Nico Tenelli: [walking Richmeister to copy machine] Come here, man, come here, I just want to show you what I’m thinking… [shoves Richmeister into copy machine, knocking it over]

Richmeister: Oh no, the Richmeister, thrown through the copy machine! Possible concussion for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli shoves him again] Nico, losing control! [Tenelli hangs Richmeister outside of the window by his ankles] All right!

Nico Tenelli: Now, listen to me…

Richmeister: Nico, got me by my ankles! The anklemeister!

Nico Tenelli: Listen to me carefully. I don’t want you to talk about anything to me anymore, I don’t want you to say my name anymore, you hear me?

Richmeister: Everything’s upside down! Topsy turvy world for the Rich-Man! [Tenelli brings Richmeister back into the copy room]

Nico Tenelli: I don’t want you to talk to me no more, you got it?

Richmeister: All right! Nico, coolest cop on the force, hangin’ out with the Rich-Man! Nico!

Submitted by: Johnny Lurg

SNL Transcripts

http://cabletelevisionbundles.s9.com/ | Special Cable TV Promotions | http://www.chartercabledeals.org/

The Dark Side with Nat X

Nat X…..Chris Rock
Andrew Dice Clay…..Steven Seagal
Sandman…..Chris Farley

Announcer: Live, from Compton, California—It’s “TheDark Side With Nat X”. The only show on TV written bya brother, produced by a brother, and strictly for thebrothers! Now, get ready for a man who’s so black,he’s worth his weight in oil—step back, ’cause herecomes Nat!

Nat X: Peace, brothers and sisters! I’m Nat X andwelcome to the Dark Side, the only 15-minute show onTV! Why only 15 minutes? Because if the man gave meanything less, it would be a commercial! I think weall know who the man is! I’m talking about the sameman who calls a white mouse a pet and feeds it cheese,and calls a black mouse a rat and tries to kill it!I’m talking about the same man who invented the gameof pool: a game in which the player uses a white balland a stick to knock a bunch of colored balls off atable and into a bunch of holes!

Alright, y’all. It’s about time for Viewer Mail!Sandman! Come on out here and read me a letter!

[Sandman the Clown enters and takes a seat]

Sandman: Tonight’s letter—“Dear Nat, you seem like avery tense man. What do you do to relax?”

Nat X: Well, I like to go bowling. There’s nothinglike taking that big black ball and knocking it intothose ten white pins with the red necks!

[Suddenly camera zooms in on Nat, with siren sound effects]

Oh, no! Here it come! There go the White-Man Cam! Getoutta here! Get outta here!!

[Graphic image of jail bars appear in front of Nat, ashe mimes being in prison]

That’s how you want me! But you’re not gonna get me!That’s what you wanna see! That’s what you wanna see!!The White-Man Cam! You know, I haven’t had that muchfun since Aunt Jemima took that rag off her head!

And now it’s time for the Top Five List! Why five?Because ten would make the man loose sleep! Tonight:The Top Five Reasons the L.A. Cops Beat Up Rodney King.

Reason #5: They hate paperwork.

Reason #4: They thought he was Mexican.

Reason #3: They were trying to impress Jodie Foster.

Reason #2: They were upset over the portrayal of whitepeople on “In Living Color.”

And the #1 Reason the L.A. Cops Beat up Rodney King:They just saw “New Jack City.”

And that’s the Top Five! Our first guest tonight isone of the most controversial comedians in thecountry. Please welcome Andrew Dice Clay!

[Dice enters set]

Dice: It’s a beautiful thang!

Nat X: Sit yo white ass down.

[Dice takes a seat]

Dice: How ya doin’ Nat. It’s great to be on your show here.

Nat X: Glad you could make it, Mister Dice! Iunderstand you got a lot of free time on your handssince “Adventures of Ford Fairlaine.”

Dice: What are you talkin’ about? “Ford Fairlaine” wasone of the greatest movies ever made! And I kick any[expletives deleted] you could name that didn’t makethat kinda money!

Nat X: [holds up a VHS copy] Well, I’m not sayin’ itwas a bomb, but last week the Ku Klux Klan tied one ofthese under my car!

Dice: It wasn’t my fault; it was the critics, ya know!They’re just a bunch of over-[more expletives deleted]

Nat X: So what’s next for you? You got a movie comin’out this summer? How about next summer?

Dice: Nah, but I’m amazin’ anyway!!

Nat X: Okay, Cracker Boy, I got a nursery rhyme foryou: “There once was a whitey named Dice, Who lookedlike Fonzie on steroids…blah blah blah blah, blah blahblah blah, my big black foot in yo ass!”

[Close music starts up]

Nat X: Wow! I guess our 15 minutes is up! Check us outnext week, with Stupid White People Tricks. Peace!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

Pumping Up With Hans & Franz

Hans…..Dana Carvey
Franz…..Kevin Nealon
Himself…..Steven Seagal

Announcer: Good evening, and welcome again to “PumpingUp With Hanz & Franz”, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.

Together: Welcome! We’re back!

Hans: Alright. Once again, I am Hans…

Franz: And I am Franz. And we just want to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Hans: Alright.

Franz: Alright, first of all, let’s clear something up. You know, many people have accused us of being involved with steroids.

Hans: Ja. They are right! But let me explain—to us, those steroids are something different!

Franz: Ja. They are the people who stop on the street and stare at our amazing pumpitude!

Hans: Hence, we call them Steroids!

Franz: Alright. Enough talk. We’re not here to talk. We’re here to…

Together: pump… [They clap]…you up!

Franz: You know, the big news this summer is, our cousin Arnold is coming out with a new blockbuster action movie. Doesn’t surprise us.

Hans: Ja. You know, Arnold is sure to beat out all the competition from these other second-rate action-movie stars!

Franz: ie, Sylvester Stallone, Rambo, Rocky…You know, all those guys!

Hans: That’s right, you know—Charles Bronson Pinchot, all of them! You know, it’s a laugh to even compare them to Arnold! Look at me, Franz; I am laughing!

Franz: Ja! So am I, Hans!

[They laugh on, oblivious to the presence of Steven Seagal who has just walked up behind them and simply stands there]

Hans: Ja, we are laughing—And what about this guy, Steven Seagal?

Franz: Ja! Hear me now and believe me later…Arnold could easily rip Steven Seagal’s skinny little arms off and use them as dental floss!

Hans: Ja, unwaxed! [They mime flossing their teeth, then suddenly notice Seagal for the first time] Mr. Seagal! I didn’t see you!

Steven Seagal: I couldn’t help overhearing what you guys were saying, you know…

Hans: Oh, you’re so quiet; how long were you back there? We were just talking…

Steven Seagal: Look, fellas—let’s not confuse the issue here. I don’t wanna compare myself to these other stars; they’re great and everything like that. But what I do is unique…You see, I follow—Zen.

Hans: Oh, we know Zen. First we lift a barbell…

Franz: …Zen we lift another…

Hans: …Zen another…

Franz: …Zen another…and Zen another…

Hans: …And Zen another…

Franz: …And Zen we are done.

Steven Seagal: Nah, I don’t think you guys understand what I’m talking about; maybe I could demonstrate. I’d like to hold my little finger out and let you guys push on it.

Franz: Ah—Well, before you make this rash decision, maybe you should see what you’re up against.

Hans: Ja. Take a look, Steven…

[Hans and Franz flex their muscles superiorly, although Seagal seems impressed]

Hans & Franz: [adlibs of “Now what do you think about that?”]

Steven Seagal: Looks to me like you guys are, like, really constipated; maybe you could drink some prune juice or something. I don’t know who taught you that stuff, but it looks kind of silly. You know what I’m saying?

Hans: All right, put it out…Go! [Seagal holds out the little finger on his right hand; Hans and Franz proceed to push on it but can’t budge it an inch] All right—Push, Franz!

Franz: I am pushing, Hans! But Steven’s baby finger is too strong!!

Hans: It’s a Super-Baby-Finger!! [They stop to catch their wind] I’m very impressed, Mr. Seagal; maybe we misjudged you.

Franz: Ja, maybe you’re not a girlie-man after all, Mr. Seagal.

Steven Seagal: Sure thing; anytime, fellas…Just try and remember the Zen of things, okay? Have a nice one.

Franz: Ah—certainly, Mr. Seagal. Good day. [Seagal departs]

Hans: You know, Franz, Steven’s pinkie has taught us a great lesson.

Franz: Ja, maybe there would be a better way to pummel a girlie-man than muscle against flab.

Hans: Fist against poop-filled diaper.

Franz: Are you thinking what I’m thinking…?

[Segue into the “Pumping Up” opening sequence, but with the life-size cutouts of Arnold Schwarzenegger replaced by those of Steven Seagal. Moreover, Hans and Franz both wear ponytails and black leather jackets;they also talk in Seagal-like monotones]

Together: Welcome. We’re back.

Hans: Once again, I’m Hans.

Franz: Ja, and I’m Franz.

Togeter: And we just want to pump… [They lightly bring the tips of their pinkies together]…you up.

[Segue back to the “Pumping Up” set as we know it, with the life-size Arnold Schwarzenegger cutouts]

Hans: …On second thought, I would hate to use just my pinkie and not the rest of these god-like muscles!

Franz: …Ja! Me too, exactly! Mind over matter is great, but let’s not forget muscle over matter!

[They flex some more, then…]

Together: Live from New York, it’s Saturday… [Theyclap]…Night!

Submitted by: Patrick Jackson

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
Anytime I see something screech across a room
and latch onto someone’s neck,
and the guy screams and tries to get it off,
I have to laugh,
because what is that thing?

SNL Transcripts

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

Jack Handey V/O:
I’d like to see a nude opera,
because when they hit those high notes,
I bet you can really see it in those genitals.

SNL Transcripts

Musicians For Free-Range Chickens

Casey Kasem…..Dana Carvey
Rick Dees…..Rob Schneider
Whoopi Goldberg…..Chris Rock
…..Michael Bolton
Lenny Kravitz…..Tim Meadows
Kenny Rogers….Phil Hartman
Diana Ross…..Jan Hooks
Carnie Wilson…..Chris Farley
Mick Jagger…..Mike Myers
Axl Rose…..Adam Sandler
Cyndi Lauper…..Victoria Jackson
Tom Petty…..David Spade
Bob Dylan…..Dana Carvey

Casey Kasem: Hello, I’m Casey Kasem. You know, tonight in the #1 spot, a song for a good cause. A cause most people don’t even think about. It all began when TV and radio personality, Rick Dees, and retro-psychadelic singer, Lenny Kravitz, walked into a famous L.A. bistro. They ordered a Caeser salad. But the famous chef told the hungry duo he couldn’t prepare a Caeser salad because the raw eggs so vital to the dressing were not from free-range chickens. Rick Dees flew into a rage, saying, “Chickens are like you and me, except they’re chickens.” He and Kravitz called recent Oscar winner, Whoopi Goldberg. She said, “Listen, my man, we got to do something.. something for the millions of chickens all over the country who live in tiny, overcrowded pens.” Together, they gathered some of the biggest names in the music business. The result, you’re about to see. The title is simple: “Musicians For Free-Range Chickens”.

[ cut to recording studio ]

Rick Dees: Okay, everybody.. let’s do it!

Whoopi Goldberg: Yea-eah!

[ music starts ]

Michael Bolton:
“We’ve turned our backs too long
We see that something’s wrong.”

Michael Bolton & Lenny Kravitz:
“There needs to be some changes made.”

Kenny Rogers:
“Now, we just can’t ignore
The wrongs we’ve done before!”

Kenny Rogers & Diana Ross:
“To you, and every egg you made!”

Carnie Wilson:
“You start inside a shell
You never knew the hell.”

Mick Jagger:
“That was waiting here for you.”

Michael Bolton:
“Now we understand..”

Axl Rose & Lenny Kravitz:
“..you need a helping ha-and!”

Cyndi Lauper:
“So, let us make it clear to you-ou!”

Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Michael Bolton:
“Mister Farmer, take that feed
To the chicken’s throa-oat.”

Axl Rose:
“To the chicken’s throa-oat!”

Lenny Kravitz:
“Let’s build a world
where cages don’t exist.”

Diana Ross:
“Tell the children
To tell the world
To tell the chickens that we are on our way!
So, everybody
I want you to put your hands up like this!
Bring ’em up like this!
I love you! Don’t touch me, I love you!”

Chorus:
“Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Raise your hands, raise your voice,
Give the chickens another choice,
Join with me, set them free,
Brothers and sisters, let the chickens be.”

Michael Bolton:
“Let the chickens be-e-e-e-e-e..!”

[ zoom out to fade ]

SNL Transcripts