SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Donnie G. and Sidecar

Donnie G…..Ben Affleck
Sidecar…..Fred Amisen
Housewife…..Amy Poehler
Italian…..Horatio Sanz
Bank Teller…..Maya Rudolph

[ presented in black and white ]

[ show Tab Masterson as Donnie G. on police motorbike remove his sunglasses and wink at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Tab Masterson” ]

[ show Quentin Miller as Sidecar in the motorbike sidecar remove his goggles and smile at the camera ]

[ SUPER: “Quentin Miller” ]

Announcer: “Donnie G. and Sidecar”.

[ show Donnie G. and Sidecar in the motorbike and sidecar riding up the street ]

[ title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Brought to you by Palmolive.

[ show Palmolive product card ]

Announcer: Episode 1: Killer on the Roof.

[ SUPER: “Episode 1: Killer on the Roof” ]

[ dissolve to Housewife standing on the sidewalk, as Donnie G. and Sidecar rush into the scene ]

Housewife: I’m glad you’re here! I’m so scared! I think he’s on the roof!

Donnie G.: Relax, little lady. Donnie G. is here! When I’m around, nobody gets hurt. ‘Cause that’s the way Donnie G. does things.

Housewife: Just get him off the roof!

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. hey, Donnie, before we do anything, uh.. can I just talk to you for a second?

Donnie G.: Sure, buddy, what’s on your mind?

Sidecar: Hey, you know how I ride in the sidecar?

Donnie G.: [ smiling ] Of course I do, Sidecar! That’s why I call you Sidecar!

Sidecar: Yeah, well, uh.. you put me on the curb a couple of times there. Just try to be careful.

Donnie G.: [ chuckling ] Oh, did I? I’m sorry, brother! I didn’t mean to surf the curb, I just got a lot on my mind! [ rubs Sidecar’s helmet, knocking his goggles to the pavement; Affleck smiles in surprise but doesn’t crack up ] You okay?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, it just hurts my back a little biy.. it doesn’t have great shocks, and.. you know what I’m saying, right?

Donnie G.: [ bends down to retrieve Sidecar’s goggles ] Hang on to these, pal. You got it. Me and you, we’re a team!

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie and Sidecar – you have a 10-20 in progress – over.

Donnie G.: 10-20? That’s disturbing the peace. We gotta go! I know a shortcut!

Sidecar: Alright, man, let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Housewife: But what about the killer on the roof?

[ shots ring out, as Housewife scatters along the sidewalk ]

Housewife: Oh! Oh! Oh!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar fidgets as Donnie G. drones on to himself ]

Sidecar: Hey!

Donnie G.: It sounds like it’s gang-related —

Sidecar: Donnie, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: Boy, those gangs today —

Sidecar: Turn, there’s a mailbox!

Donnie G.: — will be sorry when they see me riding —

Sidecar: Mailbox!

Donnie G.: — my new motorcycle —

Sidecar: Mailbox! Mailbox, mailbox, mailbox!

[ a mailbox comes flying at Sidecar, knocking him unconcious ]

[ dissolve to Italian standing in front of his restaurant, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Italian: These boys are-a making-a too much noise! I hope those cycle cops show up soon! [ looks over ] Oh! Thank God you’re here! Hey! They only buy some stuff.. and they-a in here making too much noise!

Donnie G.: Noisemakers, huh? Sidecar, you go around back.

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, his goggles askew ]

Sidecar: Yeah, uh.. Donnie..

Donnie G.: What happened to you?

Sidecar: Remember how I kept saying.. “Mailbox” back there, all the time?

Donnie G.: Yeah, that was funny, what was that about?

Sidecar: Yeah. Well, I was saying that because you were about to slam into one of those gigantic, industrial mailboxes.

Donnie G.: Oh. Did I hit it?

Sidecar: You did. you did, very hard, and I think I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Donnie G.: Well, what do you want me to do?

Sidecar: Well.. I want you to calculate an extra five feet of space – on your right – for the sidecar, which I’m sitting in. That’s all you need to do.

Donnie G.: No problemo! I just got a lot on my mind these days!

Sidecar: Okay. Just try to remember that I’m sticking out on the side, and I don’t have any control —

Donnie G.: Right, right.

Sidecar: — It’s really scary for me.

Donnie G.: Yeah! No, I got it, I got it!

Cycle Radio Voice: There’s a 320 in progress, at the First National Bank.

Donnie G.: I know a shortcut through the park.

Sidecar: Alright. Let’s get there!

[ Donnie G. and Sidecar rush out the scene ]

Italian: Wait a minute! You didn’t do anything about the noisy people in here! [ looks at camera and smiles ] Oh, by the way.. I’m Italian!

[dissolve to Donnie G. and Sidecar on the road; Sidecar grips tightly to the back of the sidecar as Donnie G. fails to pay attention to him ]

Donnie G.: Boy, I’m glad I thought of this shortcut..

Sidecar: Donnie! There’s a huge family picnic!

Donnie G.: I’m gonna clean this city up —

Sidecar: Donnie! Try to turn!

Donnie G.: — or my name’s not —

Sidecar: There’s a kid, Donnie! There’s a kid!

[ a child bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Watch out! There’s a dog! A dog, dude!

[ a dog bounces over Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Please, please! Trash can! Trash can!

[ a trash can smacks Sidecar in the head ]

Sidecar: Buffet! Food!

[ pieces of food are scattered across Sidecar ]

Sidecar: Turn, please! There’s a grill! It’s a grill, Donnie!

[ Sidecar is knocked unconcious by the full force of a grill ]

Donnie G.: — I’ve gotta tell you, I sure love being Donnie G..

[ dissolve to Bank Teller standing outside thebank, as Donnie G. rushes into the scene sans Sidecar ]

Bank Teller: Robbery! Robbery! Somebody call the cycle cops! There are bank robbers in the bank where I work!

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, ma’am, help is here, in the form of me and Donnie G.’s sidekick – Sidecar! [ laughs ] You hear that one, Sidecar!

[ Sidecar hobbles into the scene, the grill attached to his stomach ]

Sidecar: It’s very funny. Great. Uh.. you see this, uh.. you see this grill around my neck?

Donnie G.: I see that. Why are you wearing that crazy thing! [ smiles ]

Sidecar: Well, uh.. you drove me through a. through a family picnic.

Donnie G.: No, I didn’t. I drove past a family picnic.

Sidecar: Yeah, but uh.. but the part I was in went right through it.

Donnie G.: That’s impossible! I left plenty of room on the left!

Sidecar: I’m on the right, Donnie.

Donnie G.: Oh. You’re right, my left.

Sidecar: No, it’s the same right, Donnie! [ aggravated ] Look, let’s do this – why don’t we switch, alright?

Donnie G.: Switch? Tell me how that’s gonna work? Your name is Sidecar! I mean.. if Sidecar isn’t in the sidecar, well.. that’s just too damn confusing!

Sidecar: Right. I can’t argue with that, but, uh.. do me a favor – just try to watch out for that space on the right. A little leewayt, that’d be great, I’d really appreicate it.

Donnie G.: No problem.

Cycle Radio Voice: Donnie G., Sidecar – there’s a 520 in progress at the malt shop.

Donnie G.: Uh-oh. I know a shortcut.

Sidecar: [ pleading ] Okay. How about this? What if we don’t take a shortcut, we just take Main Street right down the middle.

Donnie G.: Don’t worry, Sidecar, it’ll save time – it’s through the sword museum!

[ Donnie G. rushes out the scene as Sidecar relunctantly follows ]

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: Next week, on “Donnie G. and Sidecar”..

[ dissolve to Donnie G. speaking at Sidecar’s funeral, at a podium in front of a framed photo titled: “Sidecar: 1925 – 1955” ]

Donnie G.: He was the best. I’ll always remember my little Sidecar, right there on my left.. I mean, my right.

[ dissolve to title card: “Donnie G. and Sidecar” ]

Announcer: That’s next week! On “Donnie G. and Sidecar”!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Boston Teens

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Mrs. Bartalotti…..Amy Poehler
Donny Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck
Priest…..Chris Parnell
Smithy…..Seth Meyers
Frank…..Horatio Sanz

Sully: Tommy! Is that thing on?

[ camera nods Yes ]

Sully: Alright. Hey! This is Pat Sullivan – we’re gathered here at the Knights of Columbus, to honor the nuptials of one of the biggest heartbreakers of all time – our dear friend, Mr. Donny Bartalotti! This is the worst thing to happen to the women of the greater Boston area, since Nomar started scrubbin’ Mia Hamm.

Denise: Best wishes, Donny! I’m glad you finally found a woman who will support you – both financially, and financially.

Sully: Denise, you’re looking radiant.

Denise: Oh, thank you – it’s a loaner. On loan from Dress Barn, to be returned tomorrow, applying a bit of Febreze to my hot spots!

Sully: You ah gross.

Denise: You ah!

[ a drunken Mrs. Bartalotti enters ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my god.. this wedding is an abomination!

Sully: Hey, Mrs. Bartalotti!

Denise: You must be wicked proud!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, God. Get me another whiskey sour, sweetheart..

Sully: No problem. [ removes bottle of whiskey from his pocket, and pours for Mrs. Bartalotti ]

Mrs. Bartalotti: Ohhh, beautiful.. God love ya.. [ turns ] Eileen! Ain’t this a shockah!

[ Donny Bartalotti enters the scene ]

Sully: Bartalotti!

Donny Bartalotti: He likes to party!

Sully: He don’t date fuglies!

Donny Bartalotti: He’s after all the hawties! What’s up, bro!

Sully: I haven’t seen this idiot in two years! The last I heard, he got fired from the Army.

Donny Bartalotti: Yes! Apparently, I was too awesome for the Armed Forces! It’s good to see youse guys – Sully, Denise – you’re the best! Thanks for showin’ up!

Denise: Oh, my Gawd, what are you talkin’ about? All we had to hear was Donny’s gettin’ married, and open bar!

Donny Bartalotti: [ laughs ] Well.. [ piano music begins to play ] Uh-oh.. looks like we’re startin’ up! Next time you see me, this finger will be covered in Zale!

[ Donny exits to front, where he takes his place at the alter next to another man. A Priest begins to officiate the ceremony. ]

Priest: We are gathered here today to join Donny and Smithy.. two souls brought together by their fobidden love.

[ Tommy pans the camera back to Sully and Denise, whose faces express extreme shock ]

Priest: A marriage is a new beginning.

Sully: Denise.. how many beers have I had?

Denise: [ unsure ] ..Maybe a sixer?

Sully: And how many grooms do you see before you?

Denise: There appeahs.. to be two.

Sully: Do you see a bride?

Denise: I see not a bride.

Priest: — For they have found in each other.. companionship.

Sully: Are we bearing witness to a same-sex matrimony?

Denise: [ freaking out ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! We were not given fair warning!!

Sully: This cannot be! Donny Bartalotti cannot be gay! He’s my hero! I haven’t felt this betrayed since the Yankees stole A-Rod.

Denise: Wait a minute.. wait a minute, wait a minute.. here it is. [ reads from invitation ] “You are cordially invited to a committment ceremony for Donny Bartalotti and Michael Smith!”

Sully: I thought it said Michelle!

Denise: Oce again, we suffah the repurcussions of our poor reading comprehension.

Priest: And now.. Donny and Smithy will read their vows.

Donny Bartalotti: [ clears throat, reading from a sheet he pulls out ] “My dearest Smithy.. from the moment I seen you in line, standin’ there lookin’ all gorgeous at Kelly’s Roast Beef.. teasin’ me, with your tight pants on.. I knew you were meant to be my life partnah! your love has opened up parts of my heart.. that I did not know existed – especially the queeh part! There are so many things – [ begins to tear up ] sorry this is hot – you are wicked good at. Wiffleball.. X-Box.. candlepins. And that’s just for startahs. You are everything to me. You combine the tenacity of Bobby Orr, the grace and class of Larry Byrd, and the heart, soul and spirit.. of Nomar.”

Smithy: Nomar!!

[ camera pans back to a stunned Sully and Denise ]

Sully: [ still one with Nomar, though relunctant ] Nomar..

Donny Bartalotti: Nomar!

Smithy: You’re.. so queeh.

Donny Bartalotti: You are.

[ they kiss ]

Sully: Stop, stop, stop!

Donny Bartalotti: What are you doin’, bro?!

Denise: Donny! Donny! You are not gay! Okay? What about the time we did it in the Little Pete’s parking lot?

Sully: Wait, wait, what? Where was I?

Denise: Oh, you were inside tryin’ to buy rubbers.

Sully: The irony.

Donny Bartalotti: Denise, Denise.. while my pahts do respond equally to administrations from either gender.. my heart belongs only to Smithy.

Smithy: You got me right here, bro.. you got me right here!

Donny Bartalotti: You’re my other half, you gay bird, you! Come here!

[ they kiss again ]

Sully: Hey, alright, none of it! I was raised to believe that a marriage is a sacred union between a man and a woman.. and another mysterious woman that shows up at his funeral.

Donny Bartalotti: Listen.. bro. Don’t start with me, alright? You don’t want to fight with me, at my gay wedding! ‘Cause I’ll get down with ya!

Smithy: Do NOT make my lover and I F you up on OUR special day!!

Mrs. Bartalotti: Oh, my Gawd, Donny.. why couldn’t you be a priest?!

Denise: Alright.. settle down, settle down, everybody, settle! I apologize for the interruption. You know what, Sully? You should be ashamed of yourself, okay? Everyone should have the same kind of love.. that Donny and Smitty have.

Sully: Denise, I’ve been begging you for the kind of love that Donny and Smitty have, and you never let me do it! Not even once!

Denise: You are so perverted!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, as Frank enters ]

Frank: Hey, Denise. You promised you’d set me up with some bridesmaids.

Denise: Oh. Yeah.. uh.. big problem, Frank – they’re all gentlemen.

Frank: I don’t care. A pronise is a promise.

Sully: Forget it, Frank. We’re leaving.

[ Frank silently turns away ]

Donny Bartalotti: No, no, no.. what are you talkin’ about? You guys stay. Of all my friends, you guys are the only ones that showed up! Not Waddy.. Champy.. Tags.. Digby.. Squeezebox.. Ooey or Casper.

Sully: Not even Weebs?

Donny Bartalotti: [ solemn ] Not even Weebs.

Sully: Well.. Suly and Zazoo are here! And, where we go..

Sully & Denise: So goes the pahty!

Smithy: Alright, then! Let’s move to the reception portion of the evenin’! There’s a bar in the front.. and, if you’re ready to eat, line up in the rear!

Sully: Tommy! Please tell me you got that!

[ Tommy shakes the camera Yes ]

Sully: Good! ‘Cause..

Sully, Denise, Donny: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok III

Businessman…..Seth Meyers
…..Ben Affleck
…..Kelly Ripa
Old Man…..Darrell Hammond

Businessman: Hey. It’s me. It, um.. it happened again. Well, this time it’s, uh.. it’s a dude. No! I didn’t kill him! The lizard killed him.. and, then, Ben Affleck killed the lizard.

[ Ben Affleck enters, dressed in drag ]

Ben Affleck: It was self-defense! That thing was making fun of me!

Businessman: Yeah. Ben Affleck. I don’t know why he’s here. He crawled in the window at 6:30 this morning, with a baby Kimodo Drago under one arm, and Kelly Ripa under the other. Yeah. From “Regis & Kelly”.

[ Kelly Ripa runs into the room, screaming ]

Kelly Ripa: We gotta cut this dead guy up, and put ihm in a bag! This is bad, man! Ba-a-ad!!

Businessman: Ripa! Chill! I will handle this! Dude.. stop judging me, and just give me that phone number again. [ a beat ] Because the number’s in my wallet, and the wallet’s in the dead dude.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

[ an Old Man knocks on the door, and enters the room ]

Businessman: He’s, um.. on the bed.

Ben Affleck: Hey, old man – you know anyone who wants to buy a suitcase full of panda meat?

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok II

Woman…..Amy Poehler
…..Ben Affleck

[Open on outside of hotel room where two burly men are standing in the doorway]

Woman: Let me get this straight – you’re selling me to these guys?!

Ben Affleck: What?! No-o! Nobody is selling anybody, okay? I’m.. giving you to these guys, to cover some temporary losses I’ve incurred from gambling on Russian Roulette.

Woman: You’ve been gambling on Russian Roulette?!

Ben Affleck: My guy wasn’t supposed to die! I had a system!

[the burly men drag the woman out of the room]

Woman: You’re high again!

[The woman is kicking and screaming as she’s being taken away]

Ben Affleck: Alright.. I may have socially injected some Komodo dragon venom – just because everyone else is doing it.

[ the Woman is carried away by some Thai gentlemen collecting on their debt ]

Woman: Ow! Let go of me!

Ben Affleck: You’re being selfish! You don’t need both your kidneys!

Woman: This is not my idea of a honeymoon! Ben Affleck! Dammit!!

[Ben Affleck shakes his head as the woman continues screaming down the hall]

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

Ben Affleck V/O: Komodo dragon venom..

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15

03o: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.

Only Bangkok I

Businessman…..Seth Meyers

[ phone ringing ]

Businessman: [ into the mouthpiece ] Hey! Dude, it’s me. Yeah, I know, you were right – Thailand is crazy. Um.. listen, there’s a, uh.. situation. I took your advice – I got a hooker.. No, Kevin, it was not awesome! She came to my room, and we started drinking this bottle of Vodka with a coiled snake in it.. next thing I know, I woke up in the closet, and she’s not moving. [ sighs ] Look! Just shut up! What is the name of that guy? You know, that, uh.. that Dutch guy.. who helps clean up.. “messes.” [ a beat ] Thank you. That is all I needed to know.

[ SUPER: “What happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand” ]

[ SUPER: “Only Bangkok” ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 15


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 13th, 2004

Ben Affleck

N.E.R.D.

Kelly Ripa Boston TeensSummary: Sully (Jimmy Fallon) and Denise (Rachel Dratch) attend the wedding of Donny Bartalotti (Ben Affleck), but are surprised to discover he’s come out of the closet for a gay ceremony.

Recurring Characters: Sully, Denise, Donny Bartalotti, Frank.

Transcript

Montage

Ben Affleck’s MonologueSummary: Ben Affleck beats the media bandwagon by showing off the Bennifer-style t-shirts that will accentuate potential future love matches.

Also Hosted: 99m, 04a.

Transcript

Z105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) discovers that pal Dan the Garbage Man (Ben Affleck) has stolen all his characters for his own show.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

Transcript

GigliSummary: While filming the mental institution scene from “Gigli”, mentally-challenged Frondi (Fred Armisen) cautions Ben Affleck that the film will suck.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Mel Gibson explores the making Of “The Passion Of The Dumpty.”

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

Only Bangkok ISummary: A businessman (Seth Meyers) deals with a dead hooker in hotel room while in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “She Wants To Move”Bio: Rock band N.E.R.D. (acronym: No-one Ever Really Dies) is Pharrell Williams, Chad Hugo, and Shae Haley.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Finesse Mitchell asks bill collectors to leave him alone. Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) hasn’t completed 48 consecutive hours in jail. Former president Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) comments on the bickering between George W. Bush and John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross, Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Top O’ The MorningSummary: Patrick Fitzwilliam () and William Fitzpatrick () welcome their Bono-obsessed friend, Ronald McDonald (Ben Affleck), to the show.

Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliam, William Fitzpatrick.

Only Bangkok IISummary: A woman’s (Amy Poehler) marriage to actor Ben Affleck turns sour during her stay in Thailand.

Transcript

Donnie G. and SidecarSummary: Trooper Donnie G. (Ben Affleck) is oblivious that his sidekick, Sidecar (Fred Armisen), is getting banged into objects on the side of the road.

Transcript

Only Bangkok IIISummary: Ben Affleck and Kelly Ripa wreck a businessman’s (Seth Meyers) room during his stay in Thailand.

Transcript

N.E.R.D. performs “Maybe”

The Full Moon KillerSummary: At the office, an employee (Ben Affleck) jeopardizes his secret identity by defending the Full Moon Killer’s missed hit.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Thrill SeekersSummary: Talk show host (Ben Affleck) only pays attention to one of his thrill seeking guests (Seth Meyers), but ignores the others (Maya Rudolph, Finesse Mitchell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch was also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Colin Firth episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Desert IslandSummary: Ben Affleck is stranded on a desert island with an overzealous female fan (Rachel Dratch).

Merv the PervSummary: Merv the Perv (Chris Parnell) visits a pregnant women’s yoga class.

Recurring Characters: Merv the Perv.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Hotel Wilson

Randall…..Kenan Thompson
Mr. Collins…..Colin Firth
Larry…..Horatio Sanz
Officer David…Chris Parnell
Man…..Seth Meyers
Bellhop…..Fred Armisen

[open on covered entranceway labeled Hotel Wilson]

[dissolve to interior]

[a man in a business suit, Mr. Collins, enters hotel room, closely followed by a bellhop, Randall, carrying his luggage]

Randall: [sets down bags] All righty, here is your room, Mr. Collins.

Collins: Wow, this is nice.

Randall: You in town for the software convention?

Collins: Yeah, that’s right. I came in from London.

Randall: Hey, that’s great. Well, your mini-bar is right over there [gestures stage right]. Extra towels and blankets are in the closet [gestures behind self].

Collins: Thanks, thanks. [Randall holds hand out for a tip] I’ll…oh. [produces some bills from a pocket and gives them to Randall]

Randall: [puts the money in his pocket] I hope you enjoy your stay with us. And if you need anything, please, my name is Randall; don’t hesitate to call.

Collins: Okay, well, Randall, actually, yeah, I just wanted to ask you, I mean, I’m in town for this convention and my girlfriend isn’t here, so, you, ah, you wouldn’t happen to know, um…?

Randall: Oh, you, you’re looking for some professional company? [raises eyebrows meaningfully]

Collins: Exactly, yes. I have to be discreet, because people I work with are staying here, too.

Randall: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that. How much did you want to spend?

Collins: Oh, I don’t know. A hundred dollars.

Randall: A hundred dollars, yeah, that should be fine. Okay, let’s get those pants off! [lunges towards Collins’ crotch and tries to undo his pants]

Collins: No, no, no! [backs away and pushes Randall off of him]

Randall: Hey, hey, come on man! I’m in a big hurry here. If I’m not back down at that front desk in fifteen minutes, I’m in big trouble. Now let’s go. [reaches for Collins’ pants again]

Collins: Please, don’t do that! Please.

Randall: Oh, you know, I’m sorry. I should have said before. I got condoms. [unfurls a strip of about a dozen wrapped condoms] They’re ribbed for your pleasure.

Collins: Well, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re “ribbed for my pleasure.”

Randall: Oh, well then fine. I’ll turn them inside-out.

Collins: No, that’s not what I had in mind.

Randall: Oh, you’re right. I misunderstood. Sorry. You want to watch me. That’s cool. [flops onto bed in a sitting position and begins to undo his own pants]

Collins: No, no, that’s not what I meant! No, for God’s sake, just stop it!

Randall: You know what? [stands back up] I think I understand what’s going on here. Mr. Collins, you’re a racist!

Collins: No, no, I’m not a racist.

Randall: What, you don’t like black people?

Collins: No, I like black people.

Randall: Oh, well then good, ’cause you’re getting ready to love one. Randall’s about to rock your world! C’mon! [makes playful, sexy gestures and reaches for Collins’ pants again]

[Collins and Randall grapple over Collins’ crotch ]

Collins: No, no, stop, just leave. I’m not a homosexual! [turns away, breaking Randall’s grip on him]

Randall: What, what are you trying to say? I’m a homosexual?

Collins: Well, no, but…You were trying to take my pants off, and I’d say that’s pretty gay.

Randall: No, it’s not. I was gonna be the man. You’re the one that was gonna be sweet.

Collins: No, no, get out of my room!

Randall: Well, where’s my bread then?

Collins: Well, I’m not going to pay you. I haven’t done anything. We haven’t done anything.

Randall: Well then, get your pants off! [reaches for them again]

Collins: No! I’m calling the manager! [rushes to the bedside phone]

Randall: Oh, wait, I’ll get him. [yelling] Larry! You better get in here!

[Larry enters]

Larry: What the hell’s going on here?

Collins: This man’s trying to molest me.

Larry: Randall?

Randall: Man, this dude was going to pay me a hundred dollars to have sex with him.

Larry: Aren’t you supposed to be at the front desk?

Randall: I’m on a fifteen minute break.

Larry: Fifteen minute break? Hurry up, let’s get this dude’s pants off! [Larry and Randall try to pull down Collins’ pants]

Collins: No! No! I don’t want to! Please! [they desist] Look, if it will get you out of my room. Here. A hundred dollars. [gives money to Larry]

Randall: Well, you know what? You called him in here, and you made this a threesome. So that’s an extra hundred.

Collins: No, I will not give you an extra hundred. I’m calling the police.

Randall: Hey, never mind, I’ll get him. [yelling] Officer David!

[Officer David enters]

David: This guy giving you trouble, Randall?

Randall: Yes.

[David passes Randall and walks up to Collins]

Collins: No, no, I’m not, officer. There was this little misunderstanding.

David: Sir! You have the right to remain…horny!

[Randall turns on the radio. Beyoncé’s “Crazy Right Now” plays. Randall and Larry hip-hop dance while David grinds against Collins from behind.]

Collins: [to David] You’re not even a policeman!

David: No, but I have urges like any other man.

Collins: Stop! Stop! [waves arms in wild desperation] Stop the music! Stop! You win! [music stops] Here, take the money! Take the money. Just take it. Go, please. [gives money to all three men]

Randall: Ah, thank you, Mr. Collins. If there’s anything you need to make your stay a little more comfortable, the name’s Randall.

[Randall, Larry, and David exit the room]

[Collins sits on the bed and picks up the phone]

Collins: We’ve got to get out of here. The staff just tried to roger me.

[dissolve to another hotel room, where a man wearing a white undershirt is sitting in bed]

Man: Oh, my God. That’s, that’s terrible. Um, I’ll meet you downstairs, in about… [a bellhop leans over from out of shot to kiss him seductively on the cheek] …thirty minutes. [puts down phone] [to bellhop] This time, I’ll be the caterer. [picks up a bowl of strawberries and begins feeding them to bellhop]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Maya Rudolph
Rioter…..Amy Poehler
Peter Jackson…..Horatio Sanz
Elijah Wood…..Rachel Dratch
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[ shown: Martha Stewart ] Ladies and gentlemen! We got her!

Martha Stewart was convicted on all four counts against her, and, if she receives the maximum penalty, she could serve up to twenty years in prison. But don’t feel too bad for Martha, because she would not,/i> feel too bad for you.

Stewart’s lead attorney said his client would appeal. Especially to the bigger girls.

Jimmy Fallon: There were few surprises at last Sunday’s Academy Awards, with Sean Penn and Charlize Theron winning Best Acting Oscars as expected. However, there was an embarrassing breach of security, when a homeless man repeatedly wandered onstage. [ show Peter Jackson accepting his Oscars ]

“The Passion of the Christ” was the number one movie at the box office, earning $117 million since its opening last Wednesday. What’s more, I hear Jesus is now dating J. Lo.

The movie’s financial success is bad news for Jews, and good news for Jews.

Tina Fey: [ interrupting, finger to her ear ] We’re receiving word that we have some breaking news in the Martha Stewart story. Uh.. apparently, women in the wealthy suburb of New Haven, Connecticut have taken to the street in violent protest of the verdict.

Jimmy Fallon: We go now – live – to Weekend Update correspondent Maya Rudolph, in New Haven, Connecticut.

[ cut to Maya Rudolph standing in front of a suburban mall, as WASPy women run frantically back and forth causing mayhem and destruction ]

Maya Rudolph: Tina! Jimmy! I’m here in an upscale pedestrian mall in Fairfield County, where middle-aged white women are rioting and looting to protest the Martha Stewart verdict. I don’t know if you can see behind me, but Talbot’s has burned to the ground. The women have looted William-Sonoma – they’re whipping bottles of specialty olive oils at the police! It’s wild, WASPy mayhem!

[ women run past screaming ]

Jimmy Fallon: Maya, are the police getting things under control?

Maya Rudolph: Not at all, Jimmy. The situation is very unstable.

[ a heavyset women dressed in a big bra and skirt runs past ]

Maya Rudolph: Just a second ago, I saw a woman wrapping a miniskirt around her fist, smash in the window of a Lincoln Navigator, and dragged a securities broker out on the ground, where a gang of women beat him senseless. It’s pretty grim. For Weekend Update, I’m Maya Rudolph, reporting from the Martha Stewart riot here in New Haven, Connecticut.

Rioter: Free Martha!!

[ cut back to the Weekend Update desk ]

Tina Fey: Thank you, Maya. Be careful out there.

Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that at an Oscar after-party Paris Hilton was seen making out with her sex video co-star Rick Solomon. Apparently, she signed a two-picture deal.

Tina Fey: A Texas man, still drunk from four days of partying, broke into an airplane hangar, stole two planes, flying one into a power line. Thus finally fulfilling his commitment to the Texas Air National Guard. [ show George W. Bush ]

Attorney General John Ashcroft was admitted Thursday to the intensive care unit of a Washington hospital for gallstone pancreatitis. While he’s there, doctors may also try to remove the stick from his butt.

[ a knock is heard off-camera ]

Tina Fey: Oh! That sounds like somebody’s at the Update door! You want to get that?

Jimmy Fallon: Are you sure?

Tina Fey: Yeah, see who it is.

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, let me see who it is.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Jimmy Fallon: [ opens the door ] Oh! Come on in! It’s Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood!

[ fright-eyed Elijah Wood enters with Peter Jackson, carrying a shopping bag full of Oscar awards ]

Peter Jackson: Hello, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, Elijah. It’s good to see you guys.

Peter Jackson: Hello, Tina!

Tina Fey: Hi!

Peter Jackson: I just came by to pick up my award. Now, you can just throw it in the bag.

Tina Fey: Oh, this isn’t an awards show. This is, uh.. this is Weekend Update.

Peter Jackson: Oh, boy.. I’m sorry, mates. I’ve been picking up so many awards over the past few months, I.. I’m kinda just on auto-pilot at this point. I even haven’t had time to change my tux. But you can.. probably smell that for yourself.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I smell that..

Tina Fey: We can smell that..

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. sorry we don’t have any awards for you, so good to see you —

Peter Jackson: Listen – can you make something up, Jimmy? I’ve won, like.. 280 awards for this film, and.. my wee mate Elijah here.. hasn’t won anything for it.

Jimmy Fallon: Well.. [ searching ] I’ve got this piece of Big Red.

Peter Jackson: Okay, that’ll do!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?

Peter Jackson: Yeah! [ unwraps the gum ] And.. the Weekend Update piece of red gum for excellence in being a Hobbit goes to.. Elijah Wood!

Elijah Wood: Yaay! Yippee! I won something! Yaaaaaaayyyy!!

Peter Jackson: Thank you so much, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, no problem.

Peter Jackson: Well.. we must be off.

Jimmy Fallon: You’re sure?

Peter Jackson: Apparently, “The Return of the King” has just won a Coney Island hot dog eating competetion.

Tina Fey: Ah, good! Well, Peter Jackson and Elijah Wood, everyone!

A new study says that people on the Atkins Diet are more prone to mood swings. Either that, or I am a bitch!

Jessica Simpson admitted that she recently took a pregnancy test. The results were inconcousive. [ show Simpson putting the pregnancy test in her mouth ]

Jimmy Fallon: An arrest warrant has been issued for Wesley Snipes after allegations surfaced that he fathered a child with a woman in a Chicago crack house four years ago. Advantage: Snipes. Your move, Bobby Brown.

Tina Fey: A federal judge has ruled that gay high school students in Lubbock, Texas can be barred from meeting on campus. As a result, the gay students will have to meet where they always do: in the Drama Club.

Back to you, Jimmy.

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, by the way, Tina, I have a new nickname. I want everyone to call me J-Rod. You know, like A-Rod?

Tina Fey: What? No. That’s stupid.

Jimmy Fallon: No, it’s not stupid, no – it’s awesome!

Tina Fey: No, Jimmy, you can’t just create your own nickname. Someone has to give the nickname to you.

Jimmy Fallon: What, why? I give myself tons of nicknames! I gave myself J-Rod.. Jimmy Jack.. Fellonius.. Big Ballin’ Fallon.. Captain Bad Ass.. Baron von Awesome —

Tina Fey: No. You didn’t take any of the nicknames we gave you.

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t like them.

Tina Fey: Why? What’s wrong with Babs? Or Queer Boner? We even tried to call you Flounder Tit. It’s a great nickname for you.

Jimmy Fallon: Call me J-Rod, alright? It would mean a lot to me.

Tina Fey: Alright.. whatever you say, J-Hole.

Jimmy Fallon: [ whispering ] J-Rod..

An Iowa paramedic was fired after he allegedly grabbed a dead woman by the breast and yelled, “Honk! Honk!” which is very offensive. If you want to show a woman the proper respect, you have to go: “Aaa-ooo-gaaa! Aaa-ooo-gaaa!”

Tina Fey: John Kerry has sewn up the Democratic nomination for President, and the running-mate speculation is running rampant. Here to handicap the VP race, is our old friend, and former President, Bill Clinton!

Bill Clinton: Hello, Tina. May I say, you.. look.. great! Julia Roberts was God’s first try.. at making you. I swear to God. [ looks at Jimmy ] Fellonius? How we doing?

Jimmy Fallon: What’s up, man!

Bill Clinton: Okay, let’s get right to it. John Kerry is a solid candidate. But choosing the right running-mate is critical if he really weants to win. The candidates are:

[ show picture of John Edwards ]

John Edwards. Southern.. handsome.. killer smile.. good hair.. Washington outsider. Remind you of anyone? He’s Clinton-lite, man. He’s a boring version of me. Talk about a snoze-fest. This guy might have sex in the Oval Office, but he’d probably do it in the missionary position – with his wife. What.. a.. waste.. that would be.

Next.

[ show picture of Howard Dean ]

[ singing ] “Cra-zyyy.. cra-zy for being O.D..” Look in his eyes. This guys is nuts. I’m serious. If you have ever stared into the eyes of a raccoon when he’s trying to steal some of your picnic lunch.. you know what it’s like to talk ot Howard Dean.

Next.

[ show picture of Dennis Kucinich ]

Dennis Kucinich. I’m gonna be honest – I don’t know a lot about this man, or what he stands for. But I do know that I have this overwhelming urge to give him a noogie.

Next.

[ show picture of Ralph Nader ]

Nope. Next.

[ show picture of Hillary Clinton ]

Now.. [ clears throat ] I don’t want y’all to laugh. I know a lot of people have a lot of opinions about this lady. But, take it from me – she is smart, she is talented, she’s a true patriot, and I happen to think she’s sexy as hell. Oh, wait. that’s the wrong picture. Go to the next one.

[ show picture of Anna Nicole Smith ]

That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Anna Nicole Smith! That is a Vice-President we can all.. get.. behind.

[ show picture of Bill Clinton ]

And, finally.. me. Come on, you know you want it! Come on, I was so much fun as president! Just imagine what I could do if I had less responsibility and more free time. You.. ain’t.. seen.. nothing yet, America! Support a Kerry/Clinton ticket. I’ll put the “vice” back in “Vice-President.”

Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

The Sopranos

Tony Soprano…..Darrell Hammond
Carmella…..Amy Poehler
Furio…..Seth Meyers
Ralphie…..Will Forte
Janice…..Horation Sanz
Steven Van Zandt…..Jimmy Fallon
Clarence clemmons…..Kenan Thompson
Paulie…..Colin Firth

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. Camera pulls back to reveal show title. ]

Voiceover: The wait is over. This Sunday night, the most anticipated event in the history of time. A TV program that puts nature’s greatest wonders to shame. The season premiere of ‘The Sopranos.’ It’s been almost 15 months since the last episode. Are you ready?

[ EXT. SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY HOME – DAY ]

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY dressed in an undershirt and open bathrobe, enters the kitchen, where CARMELLA is fixing breakfast.

Tony Soprano: Carm, got any of that leftover pasta fagioli?

Carmella: Get it yourself, Tony. I’m not your maid.

Tony Soprano: Whoa, with the hostility! What I’d do?

Carmella: (angrily) You know damn well what you did.

Tony Soprano: (loudly) Well, tell me already!

Carmella: (yelling) All right, I will. I’ll tell you exactly what you did!

Tony Soprano: What?

Carmella: (looking confused) You, ah, oh God, it’s been so long I can’t even really remember, you know. Do you remember, Tone?

Tony Soprano: Nah, I can’t, maybe…I can’t.

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” For the first time since December 2002.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

Tony Soprano: I know I moved into the garage, but wasn’t there a beach house? Something like that?

[ FURIO enters. ]

Furio: Hey, ah, Tony. I’m here to pick ya up.

Tony Soprano: Furio, do you remember ever driving me to a beach house?

Furio: Ah, I don’t think so.

Carmella: Furio, aren’t you supposed to be in Italy?

Furio: Oh. Snap.

[ Furio quickly exits. ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: All your favorite characters are back. Tony, Dr. Melfi, the guy who married the fat lady, and the fat lady.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ RALPHIE and JANICE are standing on the other side of the island counter. ]

Carmella: OK, so we’re all agreed, Ralphie’s horse burned down the beach house.

Tony Soprano: Wait a second. Ralphie’s dead.

Ralphie: I am?

Tony Soprano: Yeah, don’t you remember? My sister Janice killed you with the bowling ball.

Janice: No, I killed my other boyfriend. (playfully) But I did put something up Ralphie’s bee-hind.

All: (laughing and speaking over each other) Oh, yeah…that’s right, I remember that.

[ STEVE VAN ZANDT, dressed as himself and not SILVIO, and another member of The E Street Band CLARENCE CLEMMONS, enter the kitchen, as STEVE slides up and down, swaying against TONY’s back, looking as though he’s jamming onstage.

Steven Van Zandt: Hey Tony, mon ami. Hey, we gonna get to work? Hey we gonna whack a guy or something. Gonna whack a guy, huh?

Tony Soprano: (laughing) What are you wearing?

Steven Van Zandt: Well, hey man. Look, I’ve been on tour with Springsteen. I thought the show had been canceled. I dunno. I gotta be honest, I don’t even remember what my character’s name is.

Carmella: Who is that?

Steven Van Zandt: Clarence Clemmons.

Clarence Clemmons: How do? Hey, is that pasta fagioli (pronounced exactly as spelled, instead of correctly)?

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: “The Sopranos.” The show everyone is talking about, because they’re trying to remember what happened last season.

[ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ]

[ TONY and CARMELA are watching TV by the counter. ]

Tony Soprano: Okay, so we watched like eight episodes from last season and all I can figure out is Adriana was working for the FBI. Now, Paulie, what happened in the next one? It’s not that one, that turbo one with Jon Favreau, is it?

[ Cut to PAULIE, who has joined RALPHIE, JANICE, CLARENCE and STEVE on the opposite side of the counter.

Paulie: (reading Sopranos video back) Naw, Tone. This one’s when Silvio and Ralphie’s trying to stop a protest at the Columbus Day parade. Oh, I remember. The one with the Indians and, as I recall, that was a stinkertoo. Let’s just skip it and watch the one where Ralphie gets it in the keister again!

[ Everyone laughs and agrees with Paulie. Over the din, Ralphie’s embarrassed protest “Come on guys.” ]

[ MUSIC. THE SOPRANOS THEME. SHOW TITLE. ]

Voiceover: This Sunday, “The Sopranos” on HBO.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!

Ferecito…..Fred Armisen
Mañuel Pantalones…..Horatio Sanz
…..Colin Firth

(Loud mariachi music, followed by two title images: Univision en English and ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion!)

(INT. – TALK SHOW SET OF ¡SHOWBIZ GRANDE EXPLOSION!)

(Camera on MAÑUEL (played by Horatio Sanz), mariachi sidekick to the talk show host.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Chicas and Cucarachas! Welcome to ¡Showbiz Grande Explosion! Here’s your host, straight from the looney bin, Ferecito!

(Audience applauds loudly, while the host FERECITO (played by Fred Armisen) enters accompanied by the show’s theme music set to a salsa beat and begins to play the drums.)

Ferecito: Did you feel it? (wants a better response) I said, did you feel it? (audience responds loudly) Man, we’ve got a great show for you today! I’m gonna start right now with my monologue. OK, here goes.

Did you hear about this guy Kobe Bryant? Boy, he’s in a lot of trouble. I hear he’s been traded to the TorontoRape-tors! (hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Hey Kobe! It’s called, “keep your plantain in your pants!”

Google!

(Cut to MAÑUEL laughing.)

Mañuel Pantalones: Google, that’s right!

Ferecito: Hey Mañuel, let me ask you a question. Do you know what it means when I say “Google”?

Mañuel Pantalones: Computer?

Ferecito: Computers, huh? Mañuel just got his GED. It stands for: “Gee, he’s a dummy!” (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is not amused; his lip quivers.)

Ferecito: Mañuel…I’m jus keeding!

(MAÑUEL responds in laughter.)

Ferecito: Give it up to Mañuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Wild audience response as Mañuel and his band play music.)

Ferecito: (goes to sit at his desk) OK, so how you doing, Mañuel?

Mañuel Pantalones: Oh, I’m alright, you know. I wish I had more money.

Ferecito: Oh, listen, Mañuel is so poor, even his email address is in a bad neighborhood! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

(MAÑUEL is shown laughing.)

Ferecito: Gracias! Gracias! Thank you very much. Now it’s time for my favorite comedy routine called “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” in manner of Paul Shaffer’s intros on Late Night with David Letterman.)

Ferecito: (points to an enlarged newspaper clipping on a board a la Jay Leno on the Tonight Show) Check this out. This is from a real newspaper from Montana. It says, “Seven Killed in Bus Crash.” That’s terrible. Butzoom in closer. Look, where it happened. “Butte, Montana.” Butte, Montana! That’s the name of the city. Can youbelieve? You can’t write this stuff. Butte! It says Butte! You know, I would move there, but I bet it stinks.(Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio! That was “Los Headlines!”

(MAÑUEL sings “Los Headlines!” to close out segment.)

Ferecito: OK, good job, Mañuel! That’s great. My first guest is Colin Firth. Get it “Firth.” “First guest?”

Mañuel Pantalones: Good thing he wasn’t your “thecond guest!”

Ferecito: Mañuel! You on fuego tonight!

(MAÑUEL, points to FERECITO smiling broadly.)

Ferecito: Let’s bring out my first guest. From the movie Girl With a Pearl Earring, put your hands together for Colin Firth!

(Wild applause as Colin enters and shakes FERECITO’S hand. He sits down in a chair next to the host’s desk.)

Ferecito: How are you doing? Alright? Sit down. So, Colin Firth, you are from England?

Colin Firth: I am. I am indeed.

Ferecito: And, as a fellow foreigner trying to make it here in this crazy country, let me ask you, “Can you believe how many men circumcise their penises over here?

Colin Firth: I hadn’t noticed.

Ferecito: I mean, the locker room of my gymnasium looks like a mushroom farm! (Hits a rimshot and rests his head in his hands in an exaggerated manner) ¡Ay Dios Mio!

Colin Firth: (smiling) That’s very funny. Sounds like your gym…it sounds like it’s full of fun guys. (laughs to himself) Get it, mushrooms, fungi?

(MAÑUEL and FERECITO shake their heads, not amused.)

Mañuel Pantalones: I don’t get it.

Ferecito: Yeah, that’s OK, Mañuel. (back to Colin) So, it says here you do a lot of traveling.

Colin Firth: Yeah, actually I just flew in from London on the Red Eye. The flight was so long that they should have called it the Red Back-SIDE! (smiles broadly, waiting for their response)

Mañuel Pantalones: (still not impressed) Oh, boy.

Ferecito: Oh, Colin, I think you need a little bit of help with your comedy delivery.

Colin Firth: What do you mean?

Ferecito: Your jokes just lay there. You need some excitement. Do as Ferecito would, like this. Pretend you have two imaginary guns, like this…(makes two guns out of his hands) and you shoot them off like this at the end of your joke. (He demonstrates, shooting his finger guns in the air.) “Pow! Pow!” (egging COLIN on) OK, let’s try it. You flew in from London…

Colin Firth: I flew in from London, but the flight was so long, they should have been called the Red Back-SIDE.

Ferecito: Now shoot off your guns like this. (He shoots in the air) Pow! Pow!

Colin Firth: (pointing toward the audience) Pow? Pow?

Ferecito: No, no. What are you doing? Not at the audience! That’s dangerous, man. Up here. (Points his “finger guns” in the air.) Is more playful like this.

(COLIN follows suit, pointing his finger guns into the air.)

Ferecito: OK, then stick out your tongue like this.

(FERECITO cocks his head to the side, bulges his eyes out and sticks his tongue out, looking totally ridiculous. COLIN copies him exactly, making a very silly face.)

Ferecito: How does that feel?

Colin Firth: Better.

Ferecito: See, Colin Firth, it’s more professional. Besides any gimmick like that can really help shine up one of those turd burgers you call a joke.

Colin Firth: What?

Ferecito: I’m jus keeding!!

(Music starts to play. FERECITO perks up.)

Ferecito: Oh, listen! That means it’s time to sing. (to COLIN) Do you want to sing with me?

Colin Firth: Sure.

(Both COLIN and FERECITO get up in front of the host’s desk. FERECITO starts swaying side to side with the music. COLIN watches and starts to follow his movements.)

Ferecito: (singing) I say potato, and you say…

Colin Firth: (still swaying) I don’t know this song.

Ferecito: (still singing) I say tomato, and you say…

Colin Firth: No, I’m serious.

Ferecito: (singing) Tomato…

Colin Firth: I’m sorry.

Ferecito: Potato…

Colin Firth: I never heard of it.

(The music stops.)

Colin Firth: (does the silly face) I’m jus keeding!!!

Ferecito: Oh, that’s great! (continues singing) Let’s call the whole thing…

Colin Firth: (singing) Let’s call the whole thing . . .

Ferecito & Colin Firth: (finishing with a flourish) Let’s call the whole thing off!

Ferecito: All right! We’ll see you later!

(COLIN and FERECITO continue to sway as music plays them off.)

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

SNL Transcripts