SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Chappell Hartridge…..Kenan Thompson
Kevin Henson…..Will Forte
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Martha Stewart…..Ana Gasteyer

[ open on Nightline animated graphics ]

Announcer: This is ABC News: Nightline. Reporting from Washington – Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the Nightline studio ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. For years, she has told us the right way to fold napkins, and she’s told us how to prune our perennials. But, now, a New York City jury has told her she’ll be going to jail. Of course, I’m referring to Martha Stewart, guilty on four counts yesterday. Joining me tonight from New York City, Stewart case juror Chappell Hartridge.

Chappell Hartridge: Hey, Ted! How you feel?

Ted Koppel: I feel good. Mr. Hartridge, this deliberation, which should have dragged on for weeks, took only two days. How did you reach your decision?

Chappell Hartridge: Well.. with the quality and the quantity of the information we had before us, we were able to quickly able to arrive at the conclusion.. that we wanted to be out of there by the weekend.

Ted Koppel: Do you understand the ramifications of your actions? You’re subjecting a 62-year-old woman to a possible 20-year prison sentence.

Chappell Hartridge: Ah, I mean we did what we thought was best – for whitey.

Ted Koppel: Mr. Hartridge, prison is a dangerous place. I mean, have you ever rented that movie “Cool Hand Luke”?

Chappell Hartridge: Uhh.. no, I have not.

Ted Koppel: Well, it’s rough stuff. In your opinion, could Martha Stewart eat fifty hard-boiled eggs, and survive a night in the box?

Chappell Hartridge: [ without much thought ] I think she could.

Ted Koppel: [ nods ] I think you’re right. Also joining us tonight, is a junior analyst with Merrill-Lynch, the brokerage that represented Ms. Stewart – Kevin Henson Mr. Henson, you’re a young broker – was it a fair verdict?

Kevin Henson: Ted, I think this decision sends a clear and, ultimately, good message to all of us on Wall Street. And that is, uh, simply: Martha Stewart got what she deserved, because she’s a huuuge bitch!

Ted Koppel: [ stunned ] I’m sorry?

Kevin Henson: That’s right. Martha Stewart is a big, giant bitch! And now she’s gonna be a jail bitch! Yep!

Ted Koppel: Okay, Mr. Henson —

Kevin Henson: Wait, wait! Let me finish, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Alright..

Kevin Henson: Okay, I hope this leads to a giant bitch hunt! And we go after Hillary. Yeah! Hillary Clinton is a bitch! A massive bitch! She needs to go to jail! Yeah. And, who else, uh.. Yoko! Yoko is a bitch for breaking up one of the most awesome rock bands of all time. Jane Fonda? Bitch! Dr. Laura? big radio bitch! Oprah? Bitch from way back, I always thought she was a bitch! Susan Luderman? The biggest bitch of all time!

Ted Koppel: Who’s Susan Luderman..? I’m afriad I don’t know any Susan Luderman..

Kevin Henson: She’s my boss, Ted. She is a monster bitch! I hate her!

Ted Koppel: Oh. Is it possible, sir, you may have a problem with powerful women?

Kevin Henson: Don’t be a bitch, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Also joining me, from her home in upstate New York – comedienne/political activist Rosie O’Donnell.

Rosie O’Donnell: I’m very angry, Ted!

Ted Koppel: Ms. O’Donnell.. Ms. O’Donnell, where were you when you heard the verdict?

Rosie O’Donnell: I was in New Mexico officiating a lesbian bris. When Parker came to me and said, “Mommies! Mommies! The cooie lady’s going to jail!” I got right on a plane!

Ted Koppel: And, Rosie, do you think that Martha Stewart has been the victim of a witch hunt, so to speak?

Rosie O’Donnell: Absolutely, Ted! But I’m doing everything I can to rally support for her. I’m writing a Broadway musical called “Marthaaaaa!” And I’m going to shoot these koosh balls at people.. who don’t agree with me! [ fires off a couple of koosh balls ] And, also.. I’m starting a cruise line exclusively for persecuted female billionaires and their same-sex spouses.

Ted Koppel: What does that even mean?

Rosie O’Donnell: It means I bought a boat! And.. I’m also gonna buy a house of pies! For Martha!

Kevin Henson: Ted, uh.. I would like to point out that Ms. O’Donnell is a lezzy and a bitch!

Rosie O’Donnell: [ incensed ] Up yours, pallie! I spend more money on jean jackets in one year than you make in your life!

[ Kevin Henson gives Rosie O’Donnell a “So what kind of accomplishment is that?” shrug ]

Ted Koppel: clearly, this is a divisive issue. Joining us now, in an exclusive interview, the woman at the epicenter of this earthquake – newly-convicted felon Martha Stewart.

Martha Stewart: It’s good to be here, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Martha, what is going through your mind.. at a time like this?

Martha Stewart: Modeled, gray cinder block walls.. rough-hewn tangerine jumpsuits.. a timeworn mid-century commmode, to be shared in plain view of others. I’m Martha Stewart. And I’m on a boatload of anti-anxiety medication right now. It’s a good thing.

Ted Koppel: Martha, have the ramifications of this case hit home yet? You’re probably going to be spending at least 18 months in jail.

Martha Stewart: Ted, I sincerely doubt I’ll do any real time. Also, if I’m in jail, who’s going to teach American women how to store their decorative holiday acorns?

Ted Koppel: Who, indeed, Miss Stewart? you’re headed up the river. The big house. The stony lonesome.Have you made a shiv? Will you join the Aryan brotherhood? Have you ever heard of a Blanket Party?

Martha Stewart: Is that anything like a cookie swap?

Ted Koppel: No. A Blanket Party is a prison term for throwing a blanket over a squealer’s head so he can’t identify you when you beat him with a pipe.

Martha Stewart: Oh. That. I’ve been doing that for years. I didn’t know there was a name for it!

Ted Koppel: Martha.. are you scared?

Martha Stewart: Frankly, Ted.. from the way it’s been described to me, prison life won’t be much different from what I’m used to. I’ll be awakened at 5:20 a.m., lift weights in the yard, work in the kitchen for several hours, make someone my bitch, then sit quietly in a dark room until morning.

Ted Koppel: Final thoughts? Any remorse?

Martha Stewart: Well, generally, Ted.. I think remorse is for wussie-pusses. But, yes.. if I had to do it all over again, if I were back on that plane and I got that message to sell N-Clone.. I think I would definitely pick up the phone, and say, “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

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  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Colin Firth’s Monologue

…..Colin Firth
…..Amy Poehler
…..Maya Rudolph
…..Rachel Dratch
…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman — Colin Firth.

[ Wild applause. Colin Firth arrives center stage and bows, and then bows again due to the applause and shouting from the audience. ]

Colin Firth: Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you. I’m incredibly honored to be hosting SaturdayNight Live. Thank you. It’s a show that requires talents that I have never inflicted on anyone, until tonight so I’m more than willing to give it a go. So consider yourself fairly warned.

Now some of you may know me from “Bridget Jones’s Diary”, where I play the sensible and sturdy alternative to Hugh Grant. Or maybe you may know me from the movie “Love Actually”, where I play the sensible and study alternative to Hugh Grant. And for those of you who watch A&E, you might be familiar with “Pride and Prejudice”, where I play the part of Mr…

Amy Poehler: (rushes in, dressed and acting as Elizabeth Bennett, interrupting Colin) Mr. Darcy, you could not address me in any possible way that would induce me to accept you.

Colin Firth: OK, I think I know this one. This is (as Mr. Darcy) Such I was from eight, to eight and twenty, and such I might still have been but for you, dearest, loveliest Elizabeth.

Amy Poehler: (sighs) Wooh!

Colin Firth: That’s a scene from “Pride and Prejudice”.

Amy Poehler: Yes it is. Wow, Colin we’re all just pretty excited to have a classically trained actor like yourself on the show.

Colin Firth: Thank you.

Amy Poehler: And I wanted to show all the people out here that I, Amy Poehler, am classically trained as well.

Colin Firth: Well, good for you. (tries to get away from Amy) So on with the show…

(MAYA RUDOLPH descends from a cherrypicker decorated as a balcony and is dressed as Juliet.)

Maya Rudolph: (screaming out in a very non-Juliet manner) Oh Romeo, Romeo. Where for art thou, Romeo? Denythy father and refuse thy name.

Colin Firth: (laughing) Oh good, more. Hello Maya.

Maya Rudolph: (loud stage whisper, while thumbing through book) Colin, do your part. Your line is “I’ll take thee at thy word.”

Colin Firth: (playing Romeo for her) Call me but love and I’ll be new baptized.

Maya Rudolph: Ooooh, that was good!

Colin Firth: Look, all this is lovely, but the fact that I have a British accent doesn’t necessarily exclude the possibility that…

Amy Poehler: But you’re the first real actor we’ve had on the show in a really long time.

Maya Rudolph: Yeah, I tried to get Ian McKellan to do Shakespeare with me, but he would only talk to Jimmy and Kylie Minogue.

Colin Firth: (ironically) I’m sure that’s true. Uh, shouldn’t we be moving on? Don’t you have an omelet suit for me to wear or something?

(RACHEL DRATCH enters in period dress.)

Rachel Dratch: (interrupting and highly dramatic) Kiss me! Kiss me, you rogue, whilst I do wait withfurrowed brow and beating heart. Kiss me!

(RACHEL DRATCH surprises Colin by grabbing him unexpectedly and kissing him.)

Colin Firth: (laughing) Well, that was a treat. What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: (distractedly) What now?

Colin Firth: What play? What was that from?

Rachel Dratch: Play? Oh no. I’ve just always had a fantasy about putting on one of these corset things and going to town on some English dude.

Colin Firth: (laughs) Well, there’s plenty of them where I come from.

(SETH MEYERS enters, as Hugh Grant and interrupts.)

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Yes, I’m sorry to interrupt, but, did someone say anything, about giving out sexual favors to Englishmen?

Colin Firth: Hello.

Seth Meyers: (stammering) Colin, it would be frightfully, dreadfully unfortunate for you to miss an opportunity to satisfy these lovely ladies.

Colin Firth: (trying to get on with the show) Well, there’s nothing I’d like more, but if I could justget to the end of the…

Seth Meyers: (interrupting and stammering) No, no, no. But, you see, it’s been my experience that if you do love scenes with these American women, our British accents serve as a guaranteed 100 proof panty remover. Oh, dear, what’s this? Something here. (He pats one coat pocket and then pulls out a lacy pink panty) Oh yes, Sandra Bullock and, hello, goodness (pulls out another pair) and, yes, Julia Roberts. Lovely.

Colin Firth: Seth, please, that is completely inappropriate.

(AMY POEHLER comes in from behind looking angry and pulls them out of his hand.)

Amy Poehler: Come on, Seth! Those are mine!

Colin Firth: (acting as himself) You’re right. Sorry, it’s me Seth. Truth be told, I just wanted to come out here ’cause you’ve worked with Hugh Grant so much and I do this great Hugh Grant impression.

Colin Firth: (interested) Oh really? Let’s see it?

Seth Meyers: (pauses with hands on hips, disappointed) That was it. When I came in.

Colin Firth: (looks mockingly mortified, then overcompensates) Oh, I’m sorry. No, of course it was. No, it was marvelous. Really.

Seth Meyers: (slighted and a bit huffy) Hey, you know what, to all the people I said this to this week, I take it back. I don’t have a heterosexual man-crush on Colin Firth any more.

Colin Firth: You do not? (places his hand on Seth’s shoulder and in a sexy voice) Dear Seth, it breaks my heart to think that you have lost affection for me when I hold you in such high esteem.

Seth Meyers: (melting) Oh, it’s totally back. I still like you. (exits)

Colin Firth: (smiling) Good. Let’s begin! We’ve got a great show for you. Norah Jones is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

Transcript courtesy of: ColinFirth.com

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Meet The Press

Tim Russert…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte

Announcer: For NBC News in Washington, this is “Meet The Press” with Tim Russert.

[ show images of John Edwards posing – tossing his hair back, blow-drying his hair, etc. ]

Tim Russert V/O: Our issue this week: Sen. John Edwards. Until his withdrawal three days ago, his centrist positions, positive campaign style, and youthful good looks made him a serious to John Kerry for the Demmocratic nomination. Now, he’s a solid bet for the Vice-Presidential slot. But was that his plan all along?

[ dissolve to Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: And here in our studio now, the senior senator from North Carolina – John Edwards. Senator, welcome.

John Edwards: Thank you, Tim. It’s mah pleasure!

Tim Russert: Senator, yes or no – has Sen. Kerry asked you to be his running-mate?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. I think it’s awfully soon to be talking about that. Three days ago, Sen. Kerry and I were in a bitter contest for the nomination.

Tim Russert: And yet, Senator, to most observers, one of the msot striking things about your campaign against John Kerry.. was your apparent relunctancy to criticize him – even slightly. With the vice-presidency at stake.. were you afraid.. to offend Sen. Kerry?

John Edwards: [ chuckles ] Tim.. if anyone thinks ah was pulling my punches against John Kerry because ah wanted to be his running-mate, well.. [ chuckles ] ..they were watching a different campaign than ah was. Ah was plenty critical of John.

Tim Russert: Alright. Here’s the most negative ad you ran against Sen. Kerry, during the campaign. Let’s take a look.

[ campaign ad plays, accompanied by photo of Sen. John Kerry ]

Voiceover: John Kerry likes to talk about his plan to save social security.

He likes to talk about how he will reduce the deficit.

He likes totalk about restoring American prestige around the world.

But it seems there’s one thing John Kerry doesn’t like to talk about – his heroic military service in Vietnam. Where he won a silver star. A bronze star. And three.. purple hearts. Which makes you ownder: why is John Kerry so modest? And can America really afford.. a President.. this self-effacing?

[ dissolve to a pool, as John Edwards steps up and wraps a towel around his semi-naked body ]

John Edwards: Ah’m John Edwards. And ah approved this ad.

[ dissolve back to the Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: Sen. Edwards, is it not fair to say that, by the standards of most negative ads, this is not a particularly stinging attack?

John Edwards: Perhaps in Washington, that’s not considered rough. But, uh.. out in the country, Tim, let me tell ya – they call that a zinger!

Tim Russert: Now.. is excessive modesty the only flaw you pointed out in Sen. Kerry’s character, or is there something else?

John Edwards: Well.. ah think even admirers of John Kerry will concede that.. he has a tendancy to talk candidly to the American people, uh.. avoiding the kind of Washington double-talk they get from most politicians. And ah afraid to say so during the campaign.

Tim Russert: Again, Senator, not particularly “biting”!

John Edwards: Uh.. also.. ah went after him for the fact that he pushes himself too hard! That he doesn’t take enough time off to relax. In one debate, ah flat-out called him a “workaholic”! To his face!

Tim Russert: Okay.

John Edwards: Yeah! Now, does that sound to you like ah was trying to go easy on him?

Tim Russert: [ sighs ] We have one more clip. A so-called negative ad you plan to run against Sen. Kerry next week in Louisiana. Let’s take a look.

[ campaign ad plays, accompanied by photo of Sen. John Kerry ]

Voiceover: If you’re thinking of voting for John Kerry, there’s some facts you need to know.

Fact: John Kerry was the first member of Congress to recognize the threat of global terrorism.

Fact: John Kerry was a tough prosecuting attorney.

Fact: John Kerry speaks four languages.

Fact: At 6’5″ and 185 pounds, John Kerry would be the tallest, leanest President in U.S. history.

When you know all the facts.. the choice is clear.

Edwards for President. Or Vice-President.

[ dissolve back to the Meet The Press studio ]

Tim Russert: You call that a negative ad?!

John Edwards: Ah stand by the charges ah made in that ad, if that’s what you mean!

Tim Russert: How in God’s name do you call that a negative ad?! It’s simply a list of flattering statements about John Kerry, some of which, by the way, aren’t even accurate! Ending with an illogical “Vote for Edwards!”

John Edwards: Well, ah know the Kerry camp was pretty upset about it.

Tim Russert: I somehow doubt that!

John Edwards: Well.. they were.

Tim Russert: Sen. Edwards, would it be fair to call you a toadie?

John Edwards: No.

Tim Russert: A brown nose?

John Edwards: No!

Tim Russert: A kiss ass?

John Edwards: Ah don’t think so, Tim!

Tim Russert: A goo-goo-make-nice-goodie-two-shoes?

John Edwards: Perhaps, in the sense —

Tim Russert: Senator, isn’t it fair to say that you were never really running for President, but, instead, auditioning for the Vice-Presidency, and, therefore, unwilling to offer even the mildest criticism of any other candidate, lest they not consider you for the second spot?

John Edwards: Tim.. much as it pains me to say so.. you’re absolutely right! Uh.. Ah really have been simply running for Vice-President all along. Uh, uh.. I never would have admitted it, but your tough questioning forced it out of me. You’re one heck of an interviewer, Tim, and ah respect you enormously —

Tim Russert: Oh, knock it off! That’s all the time we have this week. Join us again next week, and, remember – if it’s Sunday.. it’s “Meet The Press.”

[ fade ]

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Jesus: Hollywood vs. History

Liam Neeson…..Colin Firth
Benny Hill…..Will Forte

Announcer: You’re watching “Jesus: Hollywood vs. History”, with Liam Neeson, on The History Channel.

[ dissolve to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Good evening. I’m Liam Neeson. “The Last Temptation of Christ.” “The Passion of the Christ.” “Jesus Christ Superstar.” Films that tell the story of the carpenter from Nazareth, AKA: Jesus. To varying degrees of historical accuracy. Perhaps, the most controversial film about the life of Christ, is probably one you’ve never heard of. Because it was never released. Shot in 1974, “J.C. Godson & Co.” was directed by – and starred – one Benjamin Alfred Hill. Better known.. as Benny Hill.

[ dissolve to photo of Will Forte disguised as Benny Hill, posed as his Fred Scuttle character, with hand to head in playful mock salute ]

Primarily known for his naughty slapstick routine, Hill hoped the film would prove to critics that he could act. Here now, a never-before-seen clip from Hill’s epic, “J.C. Godson & Co.”

[ dissolve to clip ]

[ holy hymnal music as we see Jesus crucified on the cross atop rock, with a pair of woman flanked in robes bowing before him ]

[ close-up of Jesus’ face – Benny Hill in glasses giving the characteristic woe-is-me face as he hangs on the cross ]

[ cut back to wide shot, as the robes fall off the women, revealing bawdy bikini tops ]

[ cue “Yakkity Sax” and sound effects of girls laughing, as Jesus – still tied to cross – hops off the rock and begins to chase the bikini-clad girls ]

[ Jesus chases the girl across a field of grass and rocks ]

[ camera jump as the girls rise from behind the rocks, and Jesus continues the chase offscreen ]

[ Jesus runs back into frame, now being chased offscreen by the girls ]

[ return to frame as Jesus – separated from cross – chases after the girls, one of whom is tied to the cross instead ]

[ chase sequence is encircled and dissolved, as the music drowns out and we dissolve back to Liam Neeson ]

Liam Neeson: Needless to say, the film was a disaster. Paramount called it “Unwatchable” and “Not good.” Beny Hill was emotionally crushed, dying just 18 years later. As for Jesus, though he died on the cross, he will always live forever on.. in film. For The History Channel, I’m Liam Neeson.

Announcer: Coming up next on The History Channel, “The History of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.”

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14

03n: Colin Firth / Norah Jones

Goodnights

…..Colin Firth

Colin Firth: Thanks to Norah Jones.. Ana Gasteyer! Thanks to all of you, I hope you enjoyed the show!

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 14


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


March 6th, 2004

Colin Firth

Norah Jones

Ana Gasteyer NightlineSummary: Ted Koppel (Darrell Hammond) and his guests discuss Martha Stewart’s (Ana Gasteyer) prison sentencing.

Recurring Characters: Ted Koppel, Rosie O’Donnell, Martha Stewart.

Note: During rehearsal, Amy Poehler played the role of Martha Stewart. Ana Gasteyer made the guest appearance for the live show as a personal favor to Lorne Michaels, as she was in town starring in the Broadway play “Roulette.”

Transcript

Montage

Colin Firth’s MonologueSummary: Cast members don fake Shakespearean accents in order to impress Colin Firth.

Bio: English actor Colin Firth’s (1960-) career took off after appearing in the 1995 BBC dramatisation of “Pride and Prejudice.”

Transcript

Bad AccentsSummary: An English actor (Colin Firth) can’t seem to master a Southern accent for his movie scene.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Colin Firth how to tell a joke.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

TV FunhouseSummary: Classic cartoon characters are presented as they would appear if censored by the FCC.

Tim Calhoun On TrialSummary: Politician Tim Calhoun (Will forte) stands trial on drug charges.

Recurring Characters: Tim Calhoun.

Norah Jones performs “Sunrise”Also Appeared: 02g.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Maya Rudolph reports from the streets of New Hampshire, where middle-aged white women are rioting in the wake of Martha Stewart’s prison sentence. Director Peter Jackson (Horatio Sanz) awards a stick of gum to his star, Elijah Wood (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Bill Clinton.

Transcript

Hotel WilsonSummary: A horny bellhop (Kenan Thompson) misinterprets the signals given by an English businessman (Colin Firth).

Transcript

Meet The PressSummary: Ass-kisser John Edwards (Will Forte) refuses to speak negatively of John Kerry.

Recurring Characters: Tim Russert, John Edwards.

Transcript

The SopranosSummary: “The Sopranos” has been on hiatus for so long that even the characters can’t remember their storylines for the new season.

Transcript

Norah Jones performs “What Am I To You?”

Jesus: Hollywood vs. HistorySummary: To counter Mel Gibson’s “Passion of the Christ”, actor Liam Neeson (Colin Firth) presents some never-before-seen footage of Benny Hill (Will Forte) as Jesus.

Recurring Characters: Liam Neeson.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

BackstageSummary: Billy Bush (Jimmy Fallon) talks with Amy Poehler and Colin Firth backstage.

Jane EyreSummary: Classic literature comes to life as Jane Eyre (Rachel Dratch) watches helplessly as her employer, Mr. Rochester (Colin Firth), sneaks off to the attic for sex.

Note: This sketch sees the light next season on the episode hosted by Jude Law.

KaitlinSummary: Hyper Kaitlin (Amy Poehler) annoys a musician (Colin Firth) nursing a hangover while he waits for her mom (Rachel Dratch).

Recurring Characters: Kaitlin.

Note: Kaitlin would begin her run as a recurring character later in the season. Her mom is never seen on a live episode, though Horatio Sanz assumes the role of recurring boyfriend, Rick.

Gay MarriageSummary: A pair of lawyers (Chris Parnell, Will Forte) advertise the divorce rate of gay marriages.

Friendly DebateSummary: Two guys Fred Armisen, Seth Meyers) debate about voting, but agree on beating up a mime (Chris Parnell).

17th Annual Adult Movie AwardsSummary: Due to the sensitive nature of the broadcast, the awards show is cut short.

Note: This sketch is also cut from the dress rehearsal of the Ben Affleck episode, but would finally air in the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

Discovery TimesSummary: Seth Meyers uncovers the History of Douchebags.

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon —

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: [ slight awkward silence from goofing up the intro ] Here are tonight’s top stories.

Howard Dean announced an end to his Democratic presidential bid on Wednesday. Meanwhile, Dennis Kucinich is dropping out so that he can appear on the next episode of “The Littlest Groom”.

A new line of t-shirts for women has been introduced, based on “Sex And The City”, that features the words “I’m A Carrie”, “I’m a Miranda”, “I’m A Charlotte”, and “I’m A Samantha”. Women who purchase all four will get a free fifth shirt: “I’m A Moron”.

Tina Fey: According to a new study, walking 45 minutes, three times a week, can help aging adults think more clearly and improve decision-making. Whgile jogging five times a week cannot. [ shows picture of President Bush jogging ]

On tomorrow’s “Meet The Press”, Green Party leader Ralph Nader will announce whether he will sit out the 2004 election, or enter the race and cause George Bush to win by 3 votes. I think I speak for a lot of people when I say, “Stay home, Nerd! You’re the reason we’re in this K-hole to begin with!”

Jimmy Fallon: Sources say that when Mattel decided to give Barbie a new boyfriend, they originally wanted to make him non-white. Sadly, the plan was nixed by KKK Ken. [ show image of Ken with KKK hood ]

Tina Fey: Starting Martch 29th, Ireland will ban smoking in public places, including offices and pubs. The transition is expected to go smoothly, because the Irish are known for their easy-going tempers and their respect for authority.

Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song “Hey Ya” that tells people to “shake it like a Polaroid picture”, because that could actually ruin the pictures. While, in a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not sip Bacardi like it’s “Dey birfday.”

Jimmy Fallon: The New York Yankees outbid the Boston Red Sox to obtain baseball superstar Alex Rodriguiz. In the end, the Yankees were able to offer him something the Red Sox couldn’t – a boyfriend.

With the help of two friends and $30,000, a Vietnamese farmer fufilled a dream he had of making his own helicopter from scratch. He then immediately fulfilled his other dream: dying in a fiery helicopter crash.

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month. Here onw, with some personal thoughts on the subject, our very own Kenan Thompson.

Will Forte: Hi, everyone! Happy Black History Month! Wow!

Tina Fey: Will! Will, where’s Kenan? Kenan is supposed to be doing this.

Will Forte: Uh, yeah, Tina, uh.. Kenan overslept.

Tina Fey: Well, then.. okay, then, Finesse should be out here.

Will Forte: Finesse, I believe, is entertaining a lady in his dressing room.

Tina Fey: Okay.. then, how about Maya?

Will Forte: Tina! [ chuckles ] ..it’s not Half-Black History Month.

Jimmy Fallon: Just let him do the Black History Month piece, Tina.

Will Forte: Yeah, thank you, Dawg!

Jimmy Fallon: No problem, dude.

Will Forte: Okay, first of all, let me start by wishing all the black people here in our audience a happy Black History Month. [ looks around ] Okay.. let’s see.. Right there! You! [ points into the audience ] Happy Black History Month! Okay.. where else..? Right there! [ points to another part of the audience ] No? My mistake. Okay.. anywhere else? [ looks around some more ] You! Definitely! Okay. So.. Happy Black History Month, to you, and you – and, sorry again, to you.

O-kay. What do I know about black history? Michael Jordan! He’s certainly black. Uh.. and I’m proud of him. Not just for what he did on the basketball court, but also for the Michael Jordan steakhouse. Excellent steaks.. from an excellent black.

Okay.. let’s see.. what else about Black History Month..? [ thinking ] Oh! Rap! I love rap! P. Diddy.. Eminem.. Luther Vandross..

Tina Fey: Will! Will! Do you know anything about black history? You want to talk about.. Martin Luther King, or civil rights?

Will Forte: Look, those are great ideas, Dawg!

Tina Fey: Okay.. I-I’d really like it if you didn’t call me “Dawg”.

Will Forte: Oh, I’m sorry, Boo.

Tina Fey: Yeeeah.. “Boo” is not cool, either.. and you’re running out of time.

Will Forte: Okay. Well, then, I’ll cut right to the chase, Tizzlezina Fizzlezey. Okay! Martin Luther King? Yea! Slavery? Boo-oo-oo! End of slavery? Yea! Michael Jordan? Yes! Eminem? Double Yes! and that’s Black History Month. Goooooooo, blacks! [ points to audience ] You! And you! Gimme a B! [ no response ] No? Okay! Happy Black History Month, everybody!

Tina Fey: Will Forte, everybody. Will Forte.

Jimmy Fallon: This week, Georgia’s board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word “Evolution” when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called “Jesus Horses.”

Tina Fey: A controversial new discipline policy at Lawrence middle School in New Jersey, is limiting students to just 15 bathroom breaks a month. Plus one additional bathroom break if you need to give birth to your baby.

PETA has invited 500 students to participate in a giant nude protest in Harvard Square, under the banner “Fur out, love in.” Although, with 500 PETA girls there, I bet there will still be a fair amount of fur.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon. Good luck at the Oscars, Bill, we’re rootin’ for you!

Tina Fey: Yeah! I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Sex And The City

Carrie…..Amy Poehler
Charlotte…..Maya Rudolph
Miranda…..Rachel Dratch
Samantha…..Christina Aguilera

Voiceover: And now the final episode of “Sex and the City.”

[Sex and the City theme]

Carrie: [voiceover] The worst thing about going abroad was that I missed the other broads, and my brood of broads was broadly brooding, over me.

[The girls are in a bar sitting at a table]

Miranda: [holding a baby] You guys, I miss Carrie.

Charlotte: I miss her face. I miss her cute puns.

Samantha: I miss telling her all the guys that I’m screwing.

Carrie: [coming] You guys! I’m back!

Charlotte: Carrie, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Paris.

Carrie: I came back early because I’ve made a very big decision. I’m gonna marry Big!

Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda: Ohh!!

Charlotte: You made a big, big decision.

Miranda: What about the Russian?

Carrie: Oh! The Russian and I broke up. I have Stalingraduated from that relationship. He was a red square. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: God, Carrie, I missed your hilarious puns so much! [to Samantha] Hey, do more!

Samantha: Your Kremlin turned out to be a Gremlin.

Carrie: Ahahaha. He said I wore too much Moskaula. He’s back in the USSR and I do know how lucky I R.

Charlotte: YAY! I’ve got an announcement too. Harry and I have decided to adopt a baby.

Carrie: Ohh!

Miranda: [holds up her baby] You want this one. I hate it!

Charlotte: OK.

Miranda: Here. [hands her baby over]

Charlotte: Look! I’m a mommy.

Carrie: That’s a pretty good trade. Who’s your storkbroker. Ahahaha!

Charlotte: Yay, puns! I love puns!

Samantha: Well, as long as we’re on the topic of big announcements, I have something to tell you all! I’m a dude!

Charlotte: Well, you certainly date like one.

Samantha: I’m not joking. I’m a dude! I’ve been hiding my candy from you for the last six years!

Carrie: Waaiit a minute! A-a-are you saying that you-you’re a –

Samantha: A tranny –

Miranda: Wait, you’re a –

Samantha: A drag queen, a shanghai surprise, a plum smuggler –

Charlotte: You are a –

Samantha: A private dick.

Miranda: Ok, ok we get it.

Samantha: A weenie in a bottle.

Carrie: Ah-ah, how could I not have known this?

Miranda: I thought you had breast cancer?

Samantha: Well, I did have a lump, but it turns out it was a third testicle. I’m fine.

Carrie: This whole time we thought you were dying, you were having a ball! Ahaha haha haha haha haha haha!

Charlotte: So, you really are a guy?

Samantha: My name is Sa-man-tha and I do live in the Meat packing district, hello!

Charlotte: Well, you’re still my friend and I love you.

Carrie: Here’s to all the Sex we’ve had in this City.

Samantha: Sweet lady New York, you are the fifth whore at this table.

[Carrie’s home]

Carrie: [voiceover] Later that night I got to thinking about Samantha and what kind of puns I can make about her. Maybe something like “You got she-mail” or “Tranny get your gun” and then I wondered, did it matter? Samantha had lied about having a penis, but were we lying about having ha-penis. O-o! Computer Mail Pun-ction. O-o-o well, Bye, everybody, enjoy “The Sopranos.”

[end]

Submitted by: John-Patrick Penano

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Goodnights

…..Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera: [ pulls gum out of her mouth and hides it ] Thanks so much, everybody! And thanks to Maroon 5 for coming.Thanks for making my first time here a special one. Good night!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

You’re Fired

Linda…..Amy Poehler
Mr. Williams…..Chris Parnell
Sandy…..Will Forte

[ Linda enters Mr. Williams’ office ]

Linda: I was going to order lunch, sir.

Mr. Williams: Uh, goodie! Let’s see.. get me a turkey sandwich – rye toast. And, Linda, make sure it has lots of mustard on it. I don’t want to be able to taste the turkey.

Linda: Should I just get it without the turkey, sir?

Mr. Williams: No, no! Keep the turkey, I like its slippery texture. Just make sure there’s a buttload of mustard.

Linda: Yes, Mr. Williams. Would you like me to send in Sandy, now?

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Sure. Might as well get this over with. Toughest part of my job, Linda – firing people, that is.

Linda: Yes, sir.

[ Linda exits, as belligerant employee Sandy enters ]

Mr. Williams: [ sighs again ] Go ahead and.. take a seat, Sandy.

Sandy: Whatever!

Mr. Williams: Sandman! How long you been with us now?

Sandy: [ sneering ] I don’t know!

Mr. Williams: Ah, it’s probably been close to a month now.. is that about right?

Sandy: I guess so. It feels longer.

Mr. Williams: Well, Sandy, I really don’t see how that can be possible, seeing that you’re barely here.

Sandy: I get sick a lot!

Mr. Williams: Well.. a lot is a bit of an understatement, m’man. It says here, in the month you’ve been with us, you’ve called in sick 18 times. For reasons ranging from “hysterical blindness” to.. “The Elephant Man’s disease.” I don’t think you have the Elephant Man’s disease.

Sandy: Not any more! I pounded some Vitamin C, slept it off!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] Do you know what time the work day starts around here?

Sandy: Nine!

Mr. Williams: And.. when do you get in?

Sandy: Eleven, usually; sometimes two!

Mr. Williams: Doesn’t that strike you as odd?

Sandy: No way, Jose! I work from home!

Mr. Williams: No, you don’t.

Sandy: So?!

Mr. Williams: [ sighs ] So, I’m gonna have to let you go..

Sandy: What?!!

Mr. Williams: You’re fired, Sandy.

Sandy: [ outraged ] What?!! no way, Jose!

Mr. Williams: I’m afraid so.

Sandy: Oh, fine! Fire me! I’ll call my uncle! The law-yer!

Mr. Williams: What for?

Sandy: To sue your butt right out of those fancy pants you’re wearing! This is RACISM!!

Mr. Williams: [ nearly speechless ] We’re noth WHITE!!

Sandy: I mean, this is SEXISM!!

Mr. Williams: This has nothing to do with SEX!!

Sandy: It has everything to do with SEX!! [ a beat ] I got what you want, and it drives you crazy, knowing you’ll never get it!

Mr. Williams: What are you TALKING about?!

Sandy: Don’t act like you don’t know. I’ve seen the way you look at my body – the knowing glances, the haunting stares.

Mr. Williams: [ confused and appalled ] WHAT?!

Sandy: I’ve felt your hot breath on the back of my neck while you look over me as I sleep at my desk!

Mr. Williams: That is a DAMN LIE!!

Sandy: OR IS IT THE DAMN TRUTH!!!

Mr. Williams: IT’S A LIE AND YOU KNOW IT!! NOW, SHUT UP!!

Sandy: NO WAY, JOSE!!

Mr. Williams: STOP USING MY FIRST NAME, IT’S DISRESPECTFUL!!!

[ Linda rushes into the room ]

Linda: Is everything okay in here?!

Sandy: Ah, not unless you consider sexual harrassment o-kay!

Mr. Williams: Linda, he’s lying!!

Sandy: Ohhh.. give me that sandwich! [ seizes Mr. Williams’ sandwich from Linda’s hand ] FREEDOM!!! [ throws himself at the huge office window, landing on the ground directly outside the window ]

Mr. Williams: You know we’re on the first floor?!!

Sandy: I know! But I got your sandwich! Ha ha!!

[ a passing jogger grabs the sandwich and keeps running ]

Sandy: Come back with my stolen sandwich!!

[ Mr. Williams laughs at the irony of the stolen sandwich ]

Linda: [ sits down in front of Mr. Williams’ desk ] Oh, my God! How horrible! I can’t believe he accused you of sexual harrassment!

Mr. Williams: There, there.. it’s okay, Linda. [ massages her shoulders ] There’s a lot of creeps out there. [ lowers his hands to touch her breasts ]

Linda: Hey!!

[ Mr. Williams’ raises his hands in surrender, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts