SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13

03m: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5

Aguilera Concert Backstage

…..Christina Aguilera
Assistant…Fred Armisen
Star Jones…..Kenan Thompson
Al…..Finesse Mitchell
Patti LaBelle…..Maya Rudolph
Sharon Osbourne…..Amy Poehler
Ozzy Osbourne…..Horatio Sanz
Kelly Osbourne…..Rachel Dratch

[open on stock footage of Christina Aguilera concert with final lines of “Dirrty”]

[dissolve to Christina and her assistant in dressing room]

Assistant: Oh, I love you Christina honey, you’re really going for it! You okay?

Christina: [out of breath] Yeah, I’m fine, I’m just tired.

Assistant: Okay. Listen, a couple of celebrities want to say hi. Do you want to change first?

[assistant turns and his pink shirt can be seen to read, “I DID JUSTIN THREE TIMES”]

Christina: No, no, no, I’m good. I’m going to sit down and towel off. [sits with a towel]

Assistant: Okay, you just towel down, okay. Here is Star Jones.

[assistant opens door, Star and Al enter]

Star: Oh! How is my baby?!

Christina: How you doing?

[Christina and Star hug]

Star: Oh, my lord, have you met my fiance, Al?

Christina: I haven’t; congratulations!

[Al and Christina shake hands]

Al: Hey, thanks a lot. That was amazing.

Christina: Thanks, thanks a lot.

Star: Listen, you go for it, girlfriend. I don’t care what they say. With that voice, you can skank up the whole house if you want to!

Christina: [clears throat] Thank you.

Star: Yeah, you can sang, girl! That’s what matters. You gonna work that nasty stank box any way you want to. [Christina’s posture becomes less receptive] I mean, wave it, shave it, whatever. ‘Cause you got the voice of a angel.

Al: Straight up, an angel.

Christina: Thanks, but, ah, I really don’t see myself as a skank.

Assistant: [opening door] Christina, here’s Patti LaBelle.

[Patti enters]

Patti: Waaaaa-wooooo! What a night! Where’s my sweet, skanky ho?!

Christina: Hey, Patti, how you doing?

[Christina and Patti hug]

Patti: Oh, baby!

Star: Patti LaBelle! Have you met my fiance?

Patti: Hey, how you doing, Stedman? [Al shrugs nonplussedly] Waaaaa-wooooo! Little girl! Let me tell you, your pipes as good as mine!

Christina: Oh, my–G–th–Coming from you, Patti, that–

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! To hell with them critics, baby. If you want to spread that dripping honeypot, go ahead! ‘Cause y’all got something them other trick bitches don’t; you got a voice! Y’all can do the Washington Redskins up and down for all I care. Go ahead, girl!

Star: That is what I am saying. Christina, girl, you can get it backdoor from the Harlem Boys Choir if you want to. You can sing!

Christina: Um, thanks, but, honestly, you guys, I like to express my sexuality on stage, but because I’m a woman, people call me a…a “whore” for it.

Patti: Oh, oh, oh! Whatever, whatever! Work that nasty fuzzy cup, baby! [pelvic thrusts] See, Janet, dropping her booby, out like that [gestures with hand], but she don’t have your pipes, girl! Y’all can bang Rocky and Bullwinkle for all I care, ’cause you can back it up!

[Sharon and Ozzy Osbourne enter]

Sharon: Hello, everybody! Hello! Yay!

Patti: Yeah!

Sharon: Hello! Hello, Patti! [hugs her]

Patti: Oh!

Sharon: And hello, Star! Congratulations, Stedman!

Al: It’s Alan.

Sharon: Oh, oh, oh, my God. There she is, our little songbird.

Christina: Hi, Sharon.

Ozzy: [unintelligible]

Christina: Thank you, thanks, thanks a lot.

Sharon: Christina, I’ve got to tell you, that was so gorgeous! Who cares if you grind your filthy bum [pumps her arms and gyrates] and shake your man-hungry poon trap? Your voice is like a velvet embrace!

Ozzy: [with unintelligible mumbling] I don’t care if I can smell your muff…voice is…shaft of pure light…live in it just like a f***ing…

Sharon: I agree, Ozzy! I agree! Kelly, Kelly, come in here. Come in here, Kelly. [Kelly Osbourne enters] Apologize to Christina.

Kelly: I’m sorry. You’re so much more than a worn out spunk barge.

Sharon: And? And?

Kelly: And, if I had your voice and body, I’d probably be secure enough to be a nob-gobbling road whore, too.

Sharon: Yay! Time for a hug, everybody, a hug!

Christina: Uh-uh, no. Okay, first of all, you guys don’t get it. You’re buying into the same double standard about men and women that I sing about on my records. Weren’t you listening to any of the lyrics I was singing about on stage: “The guys get all the glory the more they can score, while the girl can do the same and yet you call her a whore?” I’m just expressing myself and being open and comfortable in my female sexuality and being, you know, strong and secure in my artistic ability.

[Ozzy screams and falls onto a table, breaking it]

Christina: Oh, my God, what just happened?

Sharon: Oh, my God! You made Ozzy think! Somebody get some warm milk and some Vicoden.

Kelly: Dad, don’t die again!

Sharon: Ozzy!

Star: [to Al] Stedman, do something! [smacks him]

[Al kneels to try to help Ozzy]

[fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 13


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 21st, 2004

Christina Aguilera

Maroon 5

None HardballSummary: Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) rants against same-sex marriage.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Rosie O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Note: The graphic for “Rosie O’Donnell” pops up when the camera cuts to Gary Bauer.

Montage

Christina Aguilera’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon presents a clip from Weekend Update, in which he makes fun of Christina Aguilera’s skank appeal. Meanwhile, Lorne Michaels and the male cast members want her to “whore up” her wholesome appearance. Aguilera ultimately sings her song “Beautiful.”

Also Appeared: 99p, 02o.

Sex And The CitySummary: The final episode reveals that Samantha (Christina Aguilera) is really a man.

Transcript

Do You Know Who My Father Is?Summary: Contestants use their parental clout to win on the game show.

TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s “Fun With Real Audio”, Pat O’Brien can’t stop wondering “What was Britney thinking?!”

History Channel’s Celebration of WomenSummary: Phil Donahue (Darrell Hammond) profiles the first woman (Christina Aguilera) to stand up to her husband.

Recurring Characters: Phil Donahue.

Maroon 5 performs “This Love”Bio: Maroon 5’s vocalist/guitarist Adam Levine, keyboardist Jesse Carmichael, bassist Mickey Madden and drummer Ryan Dusick started the band as Kara’s Flowers while attending Brentwood High School together. They changed their name in 2001 after adding guitarist James Valentine to the lineup.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: White guy Will Forte comments on Black History Month.

Transcript

You Got Served!Summary: Venice beachgoers face a dance-off with their rivals.

Aguilera Concert BackstageSummary: Various celebrities vist Christina Aguilera backstage after her concert.

Recurring Characters: Star Jones, Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy Osbourne.

Transcript

Besos Y LagrimasSummary: Contorted facial expressions dominate infidelity on a Spanish soap opera.

Note: The title translates as “Kisses and Hugs.”

Note: This sketch was cut from last season’s Salma Hayek episode.

Huggies ThongSummary: With less padding, Huggies Thongs are more fashionable but not as effective as conventional diapers.

Note: Repeat from 10/04/03.

You’re FiredSummary: The boss’s (Chris Parnell) sandwich is stolen after he fires Sandy, the belligerant slacker employee (Will Forte).

Transcript

Maroon 5 performs “Harder To Breathe”

Don’s ApothecarySummary: Don (Horatio Sanz) embarrasses customers who are shopping for personal care items.

Recurring Characters: Don.

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

A Very Special Valentine’s Versace

Donatella Versace….Maya Rudolph
Elton John….Horatio Sanz
Courtney Love….Drew Barrymore
Madonna….Amy Poehler

Caption: A Very Special Valentine’s Versace.

[Opens with a mansion’s living room where the always worn and tired Donatella Versace is singing “The Love Boat” theme song into a microphone and smoking. Four beefed-up man servants shirtless and in tight shorts dance and vogue around her.]

Donatella Versace: [sings in a hoarse voice] Love exciting and new, come aboard we’re expecting you….the love boat.[stops singing, man servants stand aside] Hello peoples. I’m Donatella Versace and this is my Valentine’s Day Special. Tickling the ivories among other things, and by that I mean dude’s testicles, is Sir Elton John.

[Elton sits at his piano, white angel wings on the back of his white tuxedo.]

Elton John: Donatella, you mysterious creature. You sing as good as you look.

Donatella Versace: And you look like the Pillsbury Doughboy in a bad rug. I love you Elton. Now shut up and sing with me, you fruit cocktail.

Elton John: [plays piano, sings] Don’t go breaking my heart….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice] I couldn’t if I tried….

Elton John: [sings] Oh, honey if I get restless….

Donatella Versace: [sings, hoarse voice]Baby, you’re not the kind….

Elton and Donatella: [sing]Whoo-hoo! Nobody knows it…[Donatella throws a champagne glass against the wall, it shatters and the music stops]

Donatella Versace: Thanks for that treat, Elton. That was great. Ok, my first guest used to be interesting but now she’s kind of a boring jerk. Please welcome, Madonna.

[Madonna enters with a very conservative suit on and a book on her hands]

Madonna: [fake British accent] Hello Donatella. Happy Valentine’s Day. I brought you something.

Donatella Versace: [excited]Oh, Madonna! Its a present for me? Give it to me, give it to me, faster, hand it over![takes the book] What the hell is this?

Madonna: Its my new children’s book. Its the story of one little girl’s discovery of the Kabbalah.

Donatella Versace: Kabbalah? That sounds Ka-boring. Madonna, let’s smoke and have some champagne.

Madonna: No, thank you, Donatella. I don’t pollute my body with those things. I like to be present and in control.

Donatella Versace: Oh, were you in control when you let Dennis Rodman bone you sideways? Now, do me a favor and GET OUT!!!![Madonna leaves] Oh, Madonna. I love her so much. Hey, Elton make up a Valentine’s Day song while I sink 50 cigarettes to calm myself down.[Donatella lights up a fat stack of ciggies]

Elton John: How about this Donatella? [sings]Oh Valentine you’ll never know…anything about my home….

Donatella Versace: Somebody please wake me from this nightmare.[Sound of car crashing]Uh-oh, I’d recognize that car crash anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Courtney Love.

Courtney Love: [from outside the room] Donatella! Let me in YOU BITCH![a drugged out Courtney flies through the glass door into the floor, gets up]I accidentally drove over 4 of your birdbaths on my way in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, thanks a million Courtney. I hate birds. Hey, look. I made you a dress.[gives Courtney a hanger with little strips of cloth on it]

Courtney Love: Oh, I love it.[throws hanger away, points to Elton]Hey, I know you! I slept with you!

[Elton laughs at the silly notion]

Elton John: Ha,ha,ha. No.

Donatella Versace: That’s Elton John, you dummy.

Courtney Love: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Rosie O’Donnell. This party sucks! I’m gonna trash the place.

Donatella Versace: Knock yourself out. This place is a rental anyway. Just whatever you do don’t trash that curio cabinet over there filled with my precious moments figurines.

[Courtney goes over to the curio cabinet]

Courtney Love: Oh, yeah? Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Not those. I’ve collected those for 16 years. They’re precious to me. Do not touch.

Courtney Love: So you saying you don’t want me to trash these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Correct. Do not trash those. You can trash anything else in the house your heart desires. Just not those.

Courtney Love: Not these, huh?

Donatella Versace: Nope. Not those.

Courtney Love: Ok. Cause I wanted to be sure.

Donatella Versace: Okey-dokey, smokey.

Courtney Love: Can I start trashing the place now?

Donatella Versace: Yeah, go for it.

[Courtney takes the figurines and starts throwing them, smashing them to pieces]

Courtney Love: Take that! YEAH! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

[Face to face]

Donatella Versace: YOU BITCH!

Courtney Love: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Donatella Versace: NO! YOU ARE THE BITCH!

Courtney Love: YOU ARE THE BITCHIEST BITCH OF THE EAST!

Donatella Versace: YOU ARE THE BITCH MASTER!

Courtney Love: If you owned an airline it would be called JET BITCH!

Donatella Versace: If you had cat food it would be called FANCY BITCH! Or perhaps Tender Bitches?

Courtney Love: If you owned a chain of cheap Mexican restaurants it would be TACO BITCH!

Donatella Versace: What do you cook your Japanese steaks on? A Hi-Bitchy!

[Elton comes between them]

Elton John: Girls, girls, girls. You’re both terrible dried-up bitches. It seems to me you’re forgetting the true meaning of Valentine’s day. Getting loaded and having bathroom sex with whoever walks in.

Donatella Versace: Oh, you magical, magical wiener smoker. You’re right. Hey, who wants to spin the bottle?

Courtney Love: I do.

[Courtney grabs a champagne bottle, swings it, Elton ducks and it smashes on Donatella’s head. It barely moves her]

Donatella Versace: That was fantastic.

Caption: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY.

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Roberta…..Finesse Mitchell

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

Tina Fey: On Friday, the White House released 400 pages of President Bush’s military records. Yet, it is still not yet clear whether Bush was AWOL for almost a year from the Texas National Guard. Nor does it explain, the President’s eight-month tour of duty on the Kiss Army.
[ photo of Bush in Kiss make-up ]

Cartoon character Cathy finally got engaged to her boyfriend, in today’s Valentine edition of her strip. Meanwhile, Marcie and Peppermint Patty are moving to Massachusetts.

Jimmy Fallon: An internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said, “Close, but no cigar.”

A researcher in Seattle has produced a mathematical formula to predict the outcome of any marriage. And, here it is: X + Jennifer Lopez = 0.

Tina Fey: A U.S. born panda, named Hua Mei, will soon be returned to her ancestral homeland of China, where she is expected to be delicious.

Jimmy Fallon: The head of the Philly Phanatic, the mascot for the Philadelphia Phillies, has gone missing. Police want to question this man.
[ photo of thief wearing the Phanatic head ]

Tina Fey: Because of friction between the U.S. and Brazil, it was announced that a float at this year’s Carnivale will be a 12-foot sculpture of Uncle Sam with his pants down, and his genitals in plain sight – or, as Bill Clinton calls it: “business casual.”

According to a report by the New York City Council, not enough pharmacies are stocking the Morning After birth-control pill, despite a law requiring them to carry it. And, at the pharmacies that do carry it, I’d appreciate a little less attitude.

Jimmy Fallon: A suprising new survey shows that women over 40 spend the greatest amount of time playing online games.

Tina Fey: [ smoking a cigarette ] Yeah, well, I’ll tell ya.. it’s beats drinking alone.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael McGuire —

Tina Fey: It really does.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, I know – I heard you the first time. Yeah, yeah – good for you. Good luck!

Michael McGuire, a prisoner in Nebraska, escaped from a hospital by using a fake gun he had made out of toilet paper. The plan turned tragic, however, when he used a real gun to wipe himself.

Tina Fey: This week, soul diva Diana Ross was sentenced to two days in jail for her drunk driving arrest in Tucson last year. Here now, via satellite from a women’s prison in Los Angeles, is Diana Ross.

[ cut to Diana Ross behind bars in prison ]

Diana Ross: Oooooooh! Hello, Tina! Ow!

Tina Fey: Hi, Diana. How’s it going?

Diana Ross: Not good, Tina! I’m in jail! and, let me tell you something – in jail, they do not call me “Miss Ross.” They call me “Inmate #54899-B.” Ow!

Tina Fey: Wow. So, how are they treating you in there?

Diana Ross: Jail is not a spa, Tina. I realized that, once I got here and looked around for the sauna and the bowl of fresh, green apples. All I found was a tiny rom with a stinky little terlet with no lid, and a very grumpy bunkmate named Roberta.

[ Roberta the bunkmate paces the cell behind Diana, making her nervous and scared ]

Tina Fey: Well, since we’ve got you here on live TV, is there anything you want to say to your fans?

Diana Ross: Yessssss! Tina-na-naaa! What I would like to say is: Remember that scene in “Mahogony”, those fantastic photos of me looking glamorous in Rome! Jail is not like that, Tina. Although, really, there is someone that’s a dead-ringer for Billy Dee Williams – except her name is Roberta! [ Roberta paces behind Diana ] I mean, she got a moustache and everything!

Tina Fey: How long have you been in there so far, Miss Ross?

Diana Ross: About twenty minutes! I’m not gonna make it, Tina!

Tina Fey: It’s okay, it’s okay, Diana. You’ll be okay.

Diana Ross: No, it’s not! They took away my Emory board and my hot comb! I’m freakin’ out, Tina!

Tina Fey: Ohhhh, I am so sorry —

Diana Ross: Hey, Tinaaaaaaaa!! Remember in the 1960’s, when I was in the fabulous girl-group The Supremes?

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Diana Ross: And I had twelve #1 songs and eighten Top 10 hits?

Tina Fey: Yes. Of course. We all remember that, yeah.

Diana Ross: Jail is not like that either, Tina! It’s quite the opposite! One minute, you’re returning your copy of “V.I. Warshawski” to a Blockbuster in Tucson; and, the next thing you know, you’re in the hoosegow! I’m in the pokie, Tina! I’m in the joint! The slammer! The clink! The can! [ Roberta moves close on Diana ] Uh-oh, I gotta go.. Roberta needs to go to sleep, and she says if I make any noise she’s gonna shank me! Tina-na-naaa!

Tina Fey: Diana Ross! Diana Ross, everybody!

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey! Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

The White Stripes

Police Officer…Kenan Thompson
Commissioner…Chris Parnell
Jack White…Jimmy Fallon
Meg White…Drew Barrymore

[Opens up to the Police Commissioner’s office]

Police Officer: Commissioner! The First National Bank is being robbed. You gotta do something! Fast!

Commissioner: Great Caesar’s ghost! The First National! Well, there’s only two people we can call.

Police Officer: You don’t mean…

Commissioner: I do!

[Reaches for telephone]

Commissioner: Get me The White Stripes!

[changes scene to The White Stripes’ home]

[phone rings]

[Meg picks up the phone]

Meg White: [mutters some words] Hello? Commissioner.

Jack White: What is it Meg?

Meg White: [mutters some words]

Jack White: A robbery? The First National Bank? Let’s go!

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (normal tempo)]

Jack White: [sings and plays guitar]
“We’re gonna fight some crime,
we’re gonna go down by the robbery,
They’re gonna do some time,
cause me and Meg are the calvary.

When the commissioner and policemen call,
we gotta save the day.

As soon as we finish this song,
we’ll do it right away.

Cause whenever you’re in trouble,
you know you gotta call The White Stripes.”

[Jack plays guitar solo]

[phone rings]

Jack White: Wait Meg, wait Meg. Hold on, hold on.

[picks up telephone]

Jack White: Hello?

Commissioner: The White Stripes?

Jack White: Yeah.

Commissioner: Yeah, don’t bother coming by the bank. You’re too late, the bank’s been robbed, the crooks got away.

Jack White: Oh.

Commissioner: You know, you don’t always have to sing your theme song before you go fight crime. It really ends up taking a long time.

Jack White: Sorry about that.

Meg White: [mutters in low voice to Jack] Is there anyway we can make it up?

Jack White: Great idea Meg! Hey, is there any way we can make it up to you?

Commissioner: Well, the City Museum of Art is being robbed right now, can you be there in five minutes?

Jack White: Sure we can!

[hangs up phone]

Jack White: Let’s go Meg! One, Two, Three

[Music: The White Stripes – Seven Nation Army (faster tempo)]

[fades out of scene]

[Newspaper title: WHITE STRIPES ROCK HARDER THAN EVER. ART MUSEUM ROBBED IN GREATEST ART THEFT IN HISTORY.]

Submitted by: CaberrorXE

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Prince Show

Prince…..Fred Armisen
Beyonce…..Maya Rudolph
Pink…..Drew Barrymore
George Clinton….Kenan Thompson

[Open to a stage with a purple-lighted background and fog, “Prince Show” title showing. Prince steps out in a purple suit, guitar slung behind him, arms raised. He walks towards the microphone, slowly lowering his arms.]

Prince: [echo] Dearly Beloved… We are gathered here to get through this thing called… [raises and lowers his arms again] my talk show. So dig, if you will, my co-host… Miss Beyonce Knowles!

[Grabs his guitar and begins playing the opening theme]

[Beyonce struts out in a pink dress]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Sways seductively back and forth]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shoooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [steps to the other side of Prince, singing] It’s Prince’s own shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall and climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: Yeah!

Beyonce: It’s the Prince Show, ya’ll!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: Prince wants everyone to relax and enjoy his show.

[Prince whispers in her ear again, afterwards slyly smoothing his hair]

Beyonce: He’s really excited about it, but not sure how long he wants to stay.

[“Prince Show” title shows with a dove flying]

Female Announcer: It’s the Prince Talk Show, with co-host, Beyonce Knowles.

[Both sit on the same seat, with lighted candles all around them]

Prince: Thank you. My first guest is a magical diva. Please welcome… Pink.

[Pink runs out wearing a punk, black outfit, ecstatic]

Pink: Heeey, ya’ll! Let’s get this party started! Rock and roll! This is like a dream!

[She sits on a lush, white sofa]

[Prince quickly whispers to Beyonce]

Beyonce: Pink, I have a message for you from Prince. Please don’t make any direct eye contact with him.

Pink: Yo, I’m sorry, that’s just the street in me!

Prince: So Pink, I wonder… What makes you mad?

Pink: Posers, fakes, jerks and turds. Oh yeah… and those people who illegally download music from the internet? You SUUUUUCK!

[Prince looks up at Beyonce with a “hush” finger over his mouth, shaking his head]

Beyonce: Uh… Prince wants you to calm down a little.

Pink: Yo, OK, I mean, I’m just unpredictable. I mean, I can do this…

[Sticks her tongue out to the camera with a one-handed Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …and I can do this…

[Stands up and does a pose, sticking her tongue out, grabbing her crotch and flashing a Devil’s Horns sign]

Pink: …you know, and if you push me real hard, I might do THIS in your face!

[Kicks at the camera]

Pink: You know, I like to make… bold statements.

[Sits down again]

Prince: Yo, Pink… Do you live a life… deluxe? [Smirks at the camera]

Pink: Yo, my life is hard-CORE deluxe! I mean, I got a lot going on, you know, with producing, and hanging out with my girlfriends, and working on my stomach muscles…

[Pink looks up and Prince suddenly disappears]

Pink: Hello! Did he just get up and walk out of here while I was talkin’?

[Beyonce raises a hand]

Beyonce: Prince needs to light some candles now.

[Camera pans to Prince holding a lighter to a candle, smirking]

Pink: …well, what’s up? I’m I through? Should I stay?

Beyonce: Prince wants you to get into the bubble bath.

Pink: Yo… that’s freaky. But I’m all about getting freaky, I mean, that’s just Pink.

Beyonce: Yeah, Prince really wants you to take a bath now and be quiet.

Pink: A’ight!

[Pink gets up and goes to the back to get into the bath tub, water splashing]

[Prince returns to his seat]

Prince: My next guest is the Grandfather of Funk. Please welcome… Mr. George Clinton.

[Funky music plays and George Clinton comes out and sits, moving his dreads out from his face]

Prince: George, I wonder… What colors do you see when you turn out the lights?

George Clinton: Oh, I don’t see colors. I see planets. [starts to sing, funky music playing] Interplanetary groove, a-get on up, a-get on up. Inter-gotta-get-on-the-planetary groove, a-get on up. [falsetto] Get on UP! [music ends]

Prince: George, you are legendary. I’ve always wanted to ask you, I wonder… Would you ever wear… a cape? [slyly smooths his hair]

George Clinton: Why, I would wear a nation of capes! One on top of the other. And then I would peel each one of them back to reveal another, until I was left wearin’ nothin’ but a intergalactic, plasmatic, electromagnetic, lunar moon suit.

[Prince chuckles, amused]

Prince: I dig that. [voice suddenly goes low] Now, dig this.

[Puts a yellow stick mask over his face]

Beyonce: Uh-oh, George. Prince has put on his Wonder Mask!

[George stares, eyes wide, stunned]

Beyonce: Prince, what do you see?

[Organ starts to play]

Prince: [echo] I see Reggie, and I see Wanda! I see Simone and I see Electra. [sings, falsetto] I see Andre hiding in the snow! I see Marcus making love… I see Alexa tickling Camille with a rose. [voice low] I see Francine having sex with herself…

George Clinton: Man, well, let me take a look through that Wonder Mask!

Pink: Yo, how long I gotta stay in this bath tub? I’m straight up prunin’!

[Prince puts the mask down]

Prince: Until Pink becomes purple. I’m finished with this!

[Prince whispers in Beyonce’s ear]

Beyonce: OK.

[Beyonce gets up and vocalizes in different ranges, holding one arm out straight and a dove landing in her palm. Prince spins around doing weird arm movements.]

Beyonce: Whoo!

[Dove disappears]

[Theme music starts. Prince, Beyonce, and George dance with Prince doing swift arm movements. Pink is in the background doing rock poses.]

Beyonce: [sings] Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings] Everybody wants to be free…

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince Shoooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] In the back of my limosine!

Beyonce: [sings] It’s Prince’s Prince Shooooow!

Prince: [sings in falsetto] Come and take a ride with me…

Both: [singing] Join me under the waterfall… climb the rainbow tree!

Prince: YEAH!

[“Prince Show” title shows. Everyone continues dancing.]

[Scene fades]

Submitted by: Tiara Cameron

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

…..Drew Barrymore
E.T…..Will Forte
C3PO…..Seth Meyers
Zelda Rubinstein…..Rachel Dratch
Darth Vader…..Darrell Hammond

Drew Barrymore: Thank you, everybody, it’s great to be back! [ audience can’t stop applauding ] Thank you! Thank you! Thanks, you guys! Hey, it’s great to be back here, hosting “Saturday Night Live”! You know, the first time I hosted the show I was seven years old – it was way back in the early 80’s, right after I did “E.T.”. Now, that seems like a lifetime ago, and I’ve made a bunch of movies since then —

[ E.T. enters stage ]

E.T.: Drew-ewww. Drew-ewww!

Drew Barrymore: Oh, my God! E.T.!

E.T.: It’s been so long!

Drew Barrymore: I know! What are you doing here? I thought you went.. home.

E.T.: Well, I came back to do a spot on “I Love the 80’s”, on VH1.

Drew Barrymore: Right, right.. well.. gosh. We should, uh, sit around and.. catch up and talk.. and.. you know – later, I’ll get you some Reese’s Pieces.

E.T.: Noooo. I’m on Atkins.

Drew Barrymore: Right. Isn’t everybody now..?

[ 3CPO enters stage ]

C3PO: Drew Barrymore!

Drew Barrymore: C3PO?

C3PO: I haven’t you since we were together in “Star Wars”!

Drew Barrymore: I wasn’t.. I wasn’t even in “Star Wars”..

C3PO: Wasn’t in “Star Wars”? But of course you were!

Drew Barrymore: No. I mean.. I was pretty messed up at certain points back then, but I’m pretty sure I’d remember if I was in “Star Wars”!

[ Zelda Rubenstein, the midget lady from “Poltergeist” enters stage ]

Zelda Rubinstein: Do not go in-to the light!

Drew Barrymore: Okay —

Zelda Rubinstein: Run a-way from the liiiight.

Drew Barrymore: Okay, who are you?

Zelda Rubinstein: It’s me, you co-star from “Pol-ter-geist” – Mid-get La-dyyyy!

Drew Barrymore: Wait a minute.. I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”.

Zelda Rubinstein: Are you su-urrrrre? I re-mem-ber a lit-tle gir-liiiiie..

Drew Barrymore: Yes. No. I’m.. positive, I’m sure. No.

Zelda Rubinstein: You can’t tell me you did-n’t au-dit-ion for it..

Drew Barrymore: Actually, I did, funny enough. But.. no. That was a long time ago —

[ Darth Vader enters stage ]

Darth Vader: Young Barrymore. I am your father.

Drew Barrymore: Wait. You guys! I wasn’t in “Star Wars”, I wasn’t in “Poltergeist”, and you’re definitely not my father!

Darth Vader: Well.. guess I’ll just.. throw this damn thing away. [ holds out a paper Valentine ]

[ the cache of non-co-stars awwws ]

Drew Barrymore: Wait, no, no. That’s really sweet, actually. Why don’t you read it to me?

Darth Vader: [ relunctantly ] Oh, alright. [ reads ]
“I held you, when you skinned your knee.
My heart soared on your graduation day.
And, although I’m known by many other names:
Lord of the Sith.. Vader.. Anakin the Skywalker..
Whatever.
The one I’m most proud of..
Is “Dad”.”
And, then, I wrote something about.. “Happy Valentine’s Day. Daddy.”

Drew Barrymore: Thank you. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day. I think that was so sweet. I wish all of you were my Valentine.

E.T.: Not me. E.T. holding out for Kelis. I like milkshakes!

Drew Barrymore: Excellent. Well, I’ll see what I can do to help you there. And, we’ve got a great show – Kelis is here. So, stick around and we.. we will be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Jarret’s Room

Jarret….Jimmy Fallon
Gobi….Horatio Sanz
Deejay Johnathan Feinstein….Seth Meyers
Gobi’s sister….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with some computer bleeps on a computer screen. Jarret’s Room show is being set up. Dreadlocked, hippie college student, Jarret, is fixing a camera on himself. He sits at the edge of his bed in his dorm room.]

Jarret: Hey, what’s up everybody? Its me Jarret coming to you live from McGinn Hall here at Hampshire College. Its Valentine’s Day. Love is in the air. Young lovers thoughts turn to romance and tomorrow morning thousands of college students everywhere will wake up next to a person who’s name they can’t remember, covered in their own puke. Its beautiful. Anyway, we have an awesome show for you tonight. So give it up for my house band Deejay Johnathan Feinstein!

[Camera turns to Deejay Johnathan Feinstein. He’s in a green suit, dark sunglasses and with two black chicks in green shaking it up singing Outkast’s hit “Hey, Ya'”]

Deejay Jonathan Feinstein: 1! 2! 3! 4! My baby don’t ask around because I love her so….and then I’ll know for sure….

[Jarret turns his music off]

Jarret: You’re an idiot.

: Schtanke you. Schtanke you very much.

Jarret: Please, stop it.

Deejay Johnathan Feinstein: All right.[trying to pick up the song’s tempo]All right, all right, all right, all right….

Jarret: Stop, stop, stop![Deejay stops]

[Jarret fixes the camera on himself again]

Jarret: Anyway, give it up for my best friend and roommate, Gobi!

[We hear Gobi off camera singing Cheech’s theme song from the movie “Born in East L.A.”.]

Gobi:[sing]Born in the East L.A., I was Born in East L.A.![puts his “Free Chong” t-shirt right into the camera] Free Chong![laughs and sits next to Jarret]

Jarret: Free Chong!

Gobi: It isn’t cool what they’re doing to Chong.

Jarret: Yeah!

Gobi: She didn’t do nothing!

Jarret: Wait, she?

Gobi: Yeah, so what that she married Maury Povich. That’s not a crime. Free Chong!

Jarret: You’re way off.

Gobi: Hey! Happy President’s Day everybody!

Jarret: Nice Abraham Lincoln hat you got there, dude.

Gobi: Thank you. Just a little tribute to our first President.

Jarret: Second actually.

Gobi: “For score seven joints ago. I created Bong Hat” [Gobi takes a puff out of a bong made out of a top hat. Blows smoke and laughs] Bong Hat! Daradada Dadadada! Bong Hat! Daradada, dadadada.

Jarret: Well, you know, I’m a little bummed right now.

Gobi: Oh, no.

Jarret: Yeah, today is Valentine’s day and I don’t have a Valentine.

Gobi: Oh, dude. I almost forgot. I found a chick for you. She’s super hot. She’s easy. She gives it up to anybody.

Jarret: Why don’t you go out with her?

Gobi: That’s gross! That’s my sister!

Jarret: Ok. First of all, its weird that you talk like that about your sister. Second, I can’t go out with her. It would be weird. It would be like making out with you. Check out this picture of Gobi’s sister.

[Clicks computer keys, a picture of a fat, blonde chick appears. Gobi looks at her excited.]

Gobi: That chick’s hot!

Jarret: “A” no she’s not. And dude, that’s your sister, man.

Gobi: Dude. Trust me. You’re gonna like her.

Jarret: No, no, no. I will not like her. No way.

Gobi: Yeah, you will.

Jarret: No, I will not.

[A cute blonde enters the room behind Gobi and Jarret. She has a cane and big dark sunglasses]

Gobi’s Sister: Gobi? Jarret? Are you in here? Hello?

Gobi: That’s her.

Jarret: Dude, Gobi, you never told me your sister was blind.

Gobi’s Sister:[takes off glasses] I’m not actually. I just told the government that I was blind so that I could get medicinal marijuana for my glaucoma! Yeah! Awesome!

Jarret: Awesome, wow. You look so different.

Gobi’s Sister: Oh, yeah. Well, I just got that Chinese bird flu so I lost a whole bunch of weight.

Jarret: That is so hot.

Gobi’s Sister: Yeah, well I’m better now. And that’s why I’m here in New Hampshire ready to support Dean with his New Hampshire primary. Go Dean! Yeah! I’m a Dean-iac!

Gobi: No way. Dean Cain is running for President?

Jarret: The New Hampshire primary was like 3 weeks ago. You know that? Right?

Gobi’s Sister: Oh, crap. Well, I thought I found my true calling when I saw him on TV he was all like “We’re going to Michigan! Florida! South Carolina! North Carolina! DELAWARE! AAAAHHHH!!!! And it was then that I knew I had to do my patriotic duty and give this guy a joint so he can mellow out!

Gobi: Wow! I can’t believe it! Superman’s gonna be President!

Jarret: You were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate?

[Horatio has a coughing fit]

Jarret:[ad-lib] You ok buddy?

Gobi’s Sister: Are you ok?

Gobi: I’m all right.

Jarret: Man, you were gonna sell weed to a Presidential candidate. I love you.

[Image blurs into a dream. Gobi’s sister lies in bed]

Gobi’s Sister: Hey, Jarret. You’re looking very sexy tonight.

[Jarret has a robe on, smoking a pipe, gigolo attitude]

Jarret: Thank you. Yeah, you’re looking ravishingly “replent”. And may I say even boner-inducing.[brings up a tray of Cheetos] Could i interest you in some Cheetos? Careful, its not easy, being cheesy.

Gobi’s Sister: Would you care for some smoke? [She expertly rolls a joint in seconds]

Jarret: Nice.

Gobi’s Sister: Got a light?

Jarret: Sure do.[Brings out a big Jerry Garcia head with a lighter on top. Jarret flicks the lighter a couple of times and can’t get it to light itself. Jimmy a little embarrassed ad-libs]You know what? I’m probably gonna have to go out and get another one.

[Drew laughs at this blooper.]

Gobi’s Sister: Great. Why don’t you come here and lie down for a while?

Jarret: Don’t mind if I do. Just let me slip into something more comfortable.[goes out and returns in a second] That’s better.

Gobi’s Sister: Hey, wait. I thought you said you were gonna slip into something more comfortable.

Jarret: I did. I’m not wearing these anymore.[shows his heart filled undies, throws them away]

Gobi’s Sister: Mind if I put on a little mood music?

[She clicks the remote and “Casey Jones” from The Grateful Dead plays]

“Riding that train, high on cocaine….”

[Jarret produces 2 glasses and a Colt .45 bottle of beer. Gets into bed with Gobi’s sister.]

“Watch your speed, trouble ahead, trouble behind and you know that notion just crossed my mind….this old…”

[Close-up on the clock. 10:32, 10:33, 10:34, 10:35]

[Jarret comes up from under the covers exhilarated]

Jarret: That was amazing!

[Gobi comes from under the covers too]

Gobi: Totally!

[They face each other and freak out]

Gobi and Jarret: AAAAAAHHHH!!!!!

[Back from the dream, back in Jarret’s room]

Gobi’s Sister: Jarret, Jarret! Are you ok?

Jarret: Thank God it was a dream.

Gobi: Or was it?

Gobi: Whoa.

[Gobi brings up a giant, red, clown shoe. Drew absolutely cracks up at the sight of it. Horatio cracks up a bit too.]

Jarret: What is that?

Gobi: Didn’t you had a dream that you were naked and Ronald McDonald was beating the crap out of you with his shoe?

Jarret: No.

Gobi: Oh, I guess it was a dream.

Jarret: Yeah, it was.

Gobi: Or was it?

[Gobi brings up Jarret’s heart filled underwear]

Gobi, Jarret and Gobi’s Sister: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

Jarret: That’s all the time we have for today. Deejay Johnathan Feinstein take us out!

Deejay Johnathan Feinstein:[resumes “Hey, Ya'” with the black girls shaking it up]Shake it! Oh, shake it! Shake it!

[Computer logs off]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Gore’s Endorsement

Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Tipper Gore…..Amy Poehler
Sen. John Kerry…..Srth Meyers

[ open on Al Gore talking on the phone, alone in his kitcen ]

Al Gore: Okay. Goodbye to you, then. [ hangs up phone ]

Tipper Gore: Al. Honey. Aren’t you coming to bed?

Al Gore: I’ll be right there. It’s just, the Democratic Party needs Al Gore. I’m trying otm ake the world a better place!

Tipper Gore: Come to bed.

Al Gore: Okay, Tipper, I got one more call to make tonight.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: [ dials phone, clears throat ] Hello? Hello! This is Al Gore.

[ cut to Sen. John Kerry on the other end of the phone ]

Sen. John Kerry: Hello, Al.

Al Gore: I.. I wanted ot be the first to say congratulations, Senator Kerry.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you, Al. Of course, it’s not over yet.

Al Gore: I know. I heard you had an affair.

Sen. John Kerry: I have already categorically denied that.

Al Gore: Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter! I was on the ticket with an honest-to-God pervert, and he mopped up George, Sr.! I mean, I think you’re the man! At first, you know, I supported Howard Deam.

Sen. John Kerry: Yes. I know. I want to thank you for that, Al!

Al Gore: I don’t think Dean would’ve gotten as far as he did, without my support.

Sen. John Kerry: Al, he hasn’t won a single state.

Al Gore: Well, I’m done supporting him! I tried to support Clark but he wouldn’t talk to me. Then, I.. expressed interest in supporting Edwards. But he tried to sue me! And Lieberman took a poke.. at.. me.

Sen. John Kerry: Well.. you had that one coming to you, Al.

Al Gore: [ changing subject ] Anyway.. I think the entire world would like to know, who I’m going to support now?

Sen. John Kerry: Well, I’ll tell you what I think, Al: I think you’re delusional.

Al Gore: Well, the wait is over. I.. decided.. to support.. youuuuu!!

Sen. John Kerry: Gosh, Al, I-I really wish you wouldn’t do that. You know, I think I’ve got a real chance here.

Al Gore: I’ve got some very big ideas. Let’s invest in health care, education! Let’s preserve the environment! We can make this country stronger! And richer! I am.. ex-cit-ed.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, Al.. they’re all good ideas, they.. they just don’t sound good coming out of you!

Al Gore: That’s because you haven’t heard my new style.

Sen. John Kerry: People have been talking about your new style, Al, and.. I’m not sure it’s the right move.

Al Gore: Listen. I’ve got a new throat thing going. [ demonstrates ] Our president BETRAYED our trust!! He LIED to us!! I’m Al GORE!! My hatred for him GROWS!! [ softens his tone ] ..and grooooows. I can turn it on and off, it’s easy. You should try it!

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah. I probably won’t try that, Al.

Al Gore: You just wait ’til I’m at the convention. I’m gonna be a big ol’ hit at the convention.

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah.. the convention.. [ lying ] It’s in, uh, Salt Lake City gthis year, Al. I’ll see you there!

Al Gore: I thought it was in Boston..?

Sen. John Kerry: Yeah, I guess they moved it! Now it’s out in Salt Lake! I can’t wait to see you in Salt Lake City, Al!

Al Gore: Hey, wha- what..? What’s this I hear about you needing a Vice-President?

Sen. John Kerry: Gotta run, Al!

Al Gore: No, no, I-I don’t know if you remember this, but.. I’ve been a Vice-President —

Sen. John Kerry: Oh, you know what? I’m driving into a tunnel, Al! I’m onmy cell phone! [ faking ] Crackle.. crackle.. Gotta go! I’m breaking up! Crackle..

Al Gore: Remember the throat yell, it’s real —

[ Kerry has hung up, Gore is stuck with the dial tone ]

[ Tipper re-enters the kitchen ]

Tipper Gore: Al. you said you were coming to bed.

Al Gore: John Kerry is so excited about my support! [ pretends he’s still speaking with Kerry ] I’ve gotta go now, John! Bye! [ hangs up the phone ] I think I’ll make a big announcement tomorrow, Tipper. I think the world will want to know, and they’ll be listening..

Tipper Gore: That’s nice, Al. You come upstairs, okay? I’ve got your pajamas all laid out.

[ Tipper exits ]

Al Gore: I just wanted to say, that.. “Live! From New York! It’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Goodnights

…..Drew Barrymore

[ Drew holds up a sign that reads: “Happy Valentine’s Day, Fabby Adam Man!” ]

Drew Barrymore: I want to thank Kelis. I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s — [ applause drowns her out ] I want to wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. I thank you so much for having me here. This is the most amazing group of people, it’s so much fun, it’s an absolute dream come true! Thank you so much. I want to thank Lorne, too, for having me back – I hope he’ll have me again. And, uh, everybody have a most beautiful evening.

SNL Transcripts