SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Mike’s Bar

Bartender…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Rodham…..Drew Barrymore

[ open on interior, Mike’s Bar, set in 1968 ]

Music Over: “Sunshine of Your Love”, Cream.

Bartender: Here you go, Lt. Kerry. On the house.

John Kerry: Thanks, Eddie – but it’s just “John Kerry”. I’m on leave for a few months.

Bartender: Visiting the ol’ stomping grounds, huh? Well, your money’s no good here, Sailor.

[ George W. Bush, dressed in graduation cap and gown, enters, holding his diploma up proudly ]

George W. Bush: Whoo-hoo!! Whoooooo!! Whoooooo!! Ladies and gentlemen! It is my great pleasure to announce that I – Goerge W. Bush – have officially gradgeated from Yale.. University! [ makes crowd sound effects ] Thank you! Thank you! [ makes more crowd sound effects ] Thank you, appreciate it, thank you!

Bartender: Got your diploma, George?

George W. Bush: Yes, sir. Listen to this: [ reads ] “This diploma defers upon George W. Bush..” – that’s me – “..a Bachelor of Arts, with a major in Physical Education.” [ stops reading ] “And a minor.. in Partying!” I wrote that in myself! [ chuckles ]

Bartender: That’s great, George. What can I getcha?

George W. Bush: Brew me. Pronto! [ sits next to Kerry ] Hey, buddy, nice shirt. Are you, uh.. you’re missing your cub scout troop, or something?

John Kerry: No, actually, I’m a lieutenant in the United States Navy, on leave from active duty in Vietnam.

George W. Bush: Whoa! Son of a bee sting! I know you! You’re John Kerry! you graduated tow years ago – remember me? George Bush! I was the one who, uh.. put the firecracker in that bulldog’s butt at the Princeton game!

John Kerry: Oh, yes, I remember. A friend of mine explained to me that it was humorous – and that an appropriate response would have been laughter.

George W. Bush: So, uh.. oyu were in Vietnam. [ whistles ] I haven’t really been following that.. but it seems like a really bad scene over there, man.

John Kerry: In the words of Oppenheimer, paraphrasing ancient Indian scripture: “I have become Death. Destroyer of worlds.”

George W. Bush: [ confused ] So, it is a bad scene?

John Kerry: Yes! It’s a bad scene!

George W. Bush: [ sips his beer ] Boy, I love booze! God, strike me dead if I ever turn into one of those pansies who don’t drink booze! If you ever hear me say “I quit booze”, just kick me in the face!

John Kerry: You know what? I promise I will do that!

George W. Bush:

George W. Bush: Thanks, man!

[ a young Bill Clinton enters the bar, flanked by two attractive young women ]

Bill Clinton: Ladies? What do you say we have a drink in here? This seems like a nice place. [ to Bush and Kerry ] Gentlemen. The name’s William Jefferson Clinton – this is Moonbeam, this is Thistledew. I call her Thistledew because.. this’ll do!

George W. Bush: [ smiling ] That’s nice!

Bill Clinton: Girls? Here’s some money – why don’t you go play a little pinball?

[ the girls exit to a back room, as Clinton sits next to Bush ]

George W. Bush: I’m George W. Bush!

Bill Clinton: Yes, sir.

George W. Bush: And I can tell you and me are going to be great friends! I’m a booze hound, and you’re a cooze hound!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ] It’s a pleasure, George. [ looks at Kerry ] What’s with the stiff? Hey, buddy, who died?

John Kerry: [ a beat ] A lot of people, actually. My commanding officer.. a couple of my friends..

George W. Bush: This here is John Kerry, he’s kind of a buzzkill. So, what brings you to town, Billy?

Bill Clinton: I’m visiting the law school, uh.. I figured it was a good way to avoid going to Vietnam. But, now, I’ve got a new plan: go to Europe, smoke a bunch of weed, and see if I can snag me one of those Benny Hill’s girls – I love.. that.. show.

George W. Bush: Really? Really, I gave it a try; I couldn’t follow it. I don’t like humor you have to think about too much, you know?

Bill Clinton: You know, George W.. you should come over to England. You and me, we could do some real damage over there.

George W. Bush: Oh, I can’t leave.. You see, I made a committment to serve my country in the Texas Air National Guard. [ a beat ] I’m just kidding! I’ll come over next week!

Bill Clinton: [ chuckles ]

George W. Bush: Is it cool if I crash on your floor?

Bill Clinton: Actually, I have an extra bed.

George W. Bush: No, I’ll probably literally crash on your floor – I drink a lot!

Bill Clinton: [ looking toward the door ] Uh-oh, look out – lesbo, two o’clock.

Hillary Rodham: Excuse me, guys. My name is Hillary Rodham, and I’m visiting from Wellesley.. can one of you tell me where the art museum is?

George W. Bush: [ chuckles ] Boy, are you askin’ the wrong guy!

John Kerry: It’s down Chapel St., on the right.

Hillary Rodham: Thanks, sailor.

George W. Bush: Hey, Kerry. I think she’s into you, man!

Bill Clinton: Ugh! Better him than me. Hey, G.I. Joe, why don’t you do us all a favor and jump on that grenade?

Hillary Rodham: Hey! That is a typically boorish male, patriarchal response, and I will not stand for it!

John Kerry: Miss Rodham, don’t pay attention to them! I could use some air – why don’t I walk you to the museum?

Hillary Rodham: Well. At least one of you around here is a gentlemen!

John Kerry: [ looks back at Clinton and Bush ] You two owe me for this, big time! [ exits with Hillary ]

Bill Clinton: George W., man oh man. Isn’t it great to be young and carefree?

George W. Bush: You said it! To know that you cna do whatever you want. And no one will ever know! And there will never be any consequences!

Bill Clinton: Speaking of which.. [ clears throat, pulls out a joint from inside his jacket ] You want to turn on, space man?

George W. Bush: Oh, no.. I don’t touch that stuff.

[ Clinton puts the joint away ]

George W. Bush: [ unsteady ] Uhhh.. you got any cocaine on ya’?

Bill Clinton: Yes. Yes. I do.

[ arm-in-arm, Clinton and Bush exit to the rear of the bar ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12

03l: Drew Barrymore / Kelis

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien….Jimmy Fallon
Charlize Theron….Drew Barrymore

[Opens with Pat wearing a suit and tie, glasses, mustache, mic on hand in the Access Hollywood TV studio]

Pat O’Brien: [very nasal voice] Welcome back to Access Hollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien.[points to his nose]I don’t use this thing on my face. What is it used for ? I don’t use it. What is it? You’ll never guess why Jeniffer Garner’s arms are so big—she’s been lifting weights. And you won’t believe what Julia Roberts had for lunch—a Cobb salad. First up, I caught up with Oscar hottie Charlize Theron at the Independent Spirit Awards.

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[Pat interviews Charlize Theron]

Pat O’Brien: Charlize, great to see you. I can tell people we’re friends, right?

Charlize Theron: Uh, sure.

Pat O’Brien: That’s totally cool. Charlize you’ll never guess who’s nominated for an Oscar for playing serial killer Aileen Wuornos in the movie “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: I am?

Pat O’Brien: That’s right. You are. Charlize, you’re such a hot lady, playing an ugly lady. Was that hard?

Charlize Theron: Not at all. I think it would be harder to be ugly and play beautiful.

Pat O’Brien: Yeah, well, you’re great in the movie, uh, lets take a look.

[Cut a clip of “Monster”. Charlize as Aileen Wuornos has greasy hair, rotten teeth and bad skin]

Aileen Wuornos: Don’t you understand?! I can’t prostitute myself no more! Because I killed somebody! I’m a serial killer!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: You’re so ugly in that movie. You’re so ugly.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Let me ask you something. Why do so many actresses have to ugly themselves up? I mean, is it to win Oscars? Is that what Nicole Kidman, Halle Berry and Sara Jessica Parker are trying to do?

Charlize Theron: I don’t know Pat. I mean, I would never ugly up, you know, just to win an Award. I just wanna stretch as an actor.

Pat O’Brien: Just wanna stretch. What’s your next project on?

Charlize Theron: Well, I just finished a film for Miramax. Its an amazing true story of Monica Plattendorf. She was a Seattle mother whose husband actually struck her in the face with an ax but she could not be silenced and she went on to be a community activist.

[Cut to a clip of the film. Charlize plays Monica who has a bloody ax stuck in the middle of her face. She is delivering a speech at a podium.]

Monica Plattendorf: I don’t care what anyone in this town says. Just because I have an ax in my face doesn’t mean that I don’t count. And I say that this town needs a municipally funded dog run.[Applause]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar. I’m just kidding. I haven’t smelled anything since I was 15. I heard you’re currently working with a German director because he thought you were great in “Monster”.

Charlize Theron: Yes, Helmut Ofterbrau, yes that’s his name, Helmut Oftenbraunder, called me and asked me to do his new film about a woman with a very rare disease that gives her porcine features. And she’s just trying to maintain her life and her family. Its very moving.

[Cut to the clip. A woman with a pig snout sits across a man in a table holding a drink]

Pig Snout: Are you leaving me for another woman, John? Or are you leaving me because I’m a pig face? [Snorts like a pig]

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: I smell Oscar again and bacon. Again, I’m just kidding, I can’t smell. I heard you’re doing a play. What? Are you gunning for a Tony too?

Charlize Theron: No. I just love the part. Its about the life of Captain Lou Albano.

Pat O’Brien: Wait, wait. Captain Lou? From the Cindy Lauper videos?

Charlize Theron: Yeah, but God, there’s so much more to him. I mean, I play Captain Lou in his later years.

[Cut to the actual Captain Lou Albano in the middle of a wrestling ring with other wrestlers. He’s fat, ugly, hairy and has rubber bands in his facial hair]

Captain Lou Albano: [Charlize in a gruff voice] Let me tell you 3 things about Captain Lou Albano! I care about my fellow man, I’m a champion and I wear rubber bands on my face!

[Back to interview]

Pat O’Brien: Its like its not even you.

Charlize Theron: Thank you.

Pat O’Brien: Did you know that Renee Zellwegger is gonna do a remake of “The Elephant Man” called “Elephant Girl”?

Charlize Theron:[worried] What?

Pat O’Brien: Next on Access Hollywood you’ll never believe where Topher Grace got his name from. Its from Chris-to-pher. I’m Pat O’Brien. Goodbye.

[Pat puts a giant bottle of Afrin up to his nose and inhales]

[Access Hollywood logo. Lights! Camera! Access!]

[cheers and applause]

[fade]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 12


]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


February 14th, 2004

Drew Barrymore

Kelis

None Gore’s EndorsementSummary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers) has no interest in Al Gore’s (Darrell Hammond) support.

Recurring Characters: Al Gore, John Kerry.

Transcript

Montage

Drew Barrymore’s MonologueSummary: Drew Barrymore’s former freak-show movie co-stars join her on-stage.

Also Hosted: 82g, 98p, 01c.

Transcript

A Very Special Valentine’s VersaceSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) scuffles with Courtney Love (Drew Barrymore).

Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Elton John, Madonna, Courtney Love.

Transcript

Jarret’s RoomSummary: Jarret (Jimmy Fallon) dreams about romance with Gobi’s (Horatio Sanz) sister (Drew Barrymore).

Recurring Characters: Jarret, Gobi, DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

Transcript

Access HollywoodSummary: Charlize Theron (Drew Barrymore) film clips display various Oscar-begging performances.

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

Transcript

OctaneSummary: The vehicular action-drama film preview displays fake special effects.

Kelis performs “Milkshake”Bio: Singer/songwriter Kelis (1980-) finally found mainstream success with the release of her current album.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Live from prison, Diana Ross (Maya Rudolph) can’t seem to adjust.

Recurring Characters: Diana Ross.

Note: The final “I” was missing from the word “Availability” on the graphic during the morning after pill joke.

Transcript

Mike’s Bar, 1968Summary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers), George W. Bush (Will Forte), Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) and Hillary Rodham (Drew Barrymore) meet at a bar in the late 60’s.

Recurring Characters: John Kerry, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Hillary Rodham.

Note: Will Forte is now the third post-Ferrell cast member to portray President George W. Bush; the second this season alone.

Transcript

Larry King LiveSummary: Larry King (Jimmy Fallon) interviews Anna Nicole Smith (Drew Barrymore) following her extreme weight loss.

Recurring Characters: Larry King, Anna Nicole Smith.

Spy GlassSummary: More celebrity gossip with Ian Gerrard (Seth Meyers) and Zoe Anderton (Amy Poehler).

Recurring Characters: Ian Gerrard, Zoe Anderton, Pat O’Brien.

The World of Scott WainioSummary: Scott Wainio takes to the streets to interview people with no microphone.

The White StripesSummary: Jack (Jimmy Fallon) and Meg White (Drew Barrymore) sing their theme song, but ultimately don’t save the day.

Transcript

Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) displays his eccentricities while hosting talk show with Beyonce (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Zinger vs. Slam

Head Scientist…..Chris Parnell
Dave “Zinger” Clinger…..Seth Meyers
Scientist 1…..Rachel Dratch
Debbie “Slam” Slamowski…..Megan Mullally
Scientist 2…..Fred Armisen

Head Scientist: All right everyone, let’s focus. As of early this evening, we’ve lost contact with the Mars Spirit Rover. If we don’t reestablish a connection, the rover may travel into an unchartered crater and we’ll risk losing it forever. You’re the finest minds in the field, and now that you’re assembled we need to focus everything on Mars.

Dave “Zinger” Clinger: If you want to focus on Mars, maybe you should start by taking your head out of Uranus! Ha, you just got zinged! (Pretends to shoot off pistols) Zinga!

Scientist: Everyone, this is Dr. David Clinger, he’s a research fellow at the Institute for Advanced Astrophysics in Houston.(Dave clears his throat.)He likes to be called David “Zinger.”

Zinger: On account of the zings, but please, let’s get off me…just like your sister did last night. Minizing! Mars Rover, continue.

Scientist 1: Um, when was the most recent communication?

Zinger: I actually had the most recent communication; Velma from Scooby Doo called, she wants her haircut back. Heheheh, you just got zinged! (He imitates a slot machine.)

Head Scientist: Oh great, the zing jackpot. Nice. Now remember everyone, the Rover is a very small, delicate piece of equipment prone to malfunction.

Debbie Slamowski: (Enters and walks up to the head scientist.) Small, delicate, and prone to malfunction…(She points at his crotch.) I found it! Hahaha! You got slammed! (She pretends to open a locker) Click click click, unlock, squeeak, slam! Ha!

Scientist: I’m sorry, who might you be?

Zinger: Her name is Debbie Slamowski.

Slam: My friends call me Debbie Shlam!

Scientist: And you two know each other?

Zinger: We were once engaged.

Scientist: What happened?

Slam: My eyesight came back! That’s a slam! (pretends to play basketball) She dribbles left, she dribbles right, she goes up, three-sixty el slammo! Suck it!

Zinger: Wow Debbie, you’ve still got it.

Slam: Thank you.

Zinger: And by it, I mean headlice! Zing! (Pretends to be at a carnival) Step right up, step right up, test your strength! Why don’t mind if i do! Ooh, heavy, boom, eeeep, dingdingdingdingding! Oh my God, what’d I win? A stuffed panda, zing!

Scientist: Look, we’re running out of time here…We are desperate!

Slam: Desperate? You’ve never seen Dave when the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue comes out and the all the hand lotion stores are closed. Hahaha! (She pretends to be a waitress) You wanted two eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, pancakes, whole wheat toast, coffee and juice? Well here at Denny’s we call that a Grand SLAM! Haha! Flip it!

Scientist: Doctors, please, the mars rover could be lost forever unless we find a solution in the next five minutes. So I’m going to ask that you spend no more than four of those minutes working out your differences through a series of zings and slams.

Slam: Don’t worry, if I know Dave, he’ll finish in two minutes, start crying, and then fall asleep, because he is wham, bam, thank you, slam! Haha! I bet you wish you had this back.

Zinger: No, I don’t really want that back Debbie, considering I took penicillin for three months just to get rid of it in the first place. Zinger! (Imitates carnival duck game) Chick, chick, quack, quack, quack, zing…Oh my God, what’d I win this time? Another stuffed panda! It’s for you. (He gives it to Debbie.)

Slam: Aw, just like the night we met! You know, Dave, it’s not the same since you moved out.

Zinger: Really?

Slam: Yeah, but then I throw a sack of manure on the couch, turn on Baywatch, and it’s like you never left! (She licks her finger seductively and touches him on the nose.) Slam.

Zinger: Thanks, Debbie. You know, I always forget how beautiful you are.

Slam: Really?

Zinger: Yeah, because your breath is so bad it gives me short-term memory loss! (Pretends to be a magician) Nothing up my sleeves, oh, what’s that behind your ear? Why, it’s a shiny new…zing!

Slam: I love your zingers.

Zinger: I love your slams.

Slam: Oh, will you take me back?

Zinger: Oh, of course I’ll take you back Debbie, of course I will! As long as you’re still under warranty at the SKANK FACTORY! YES, that is the king of zings! (Pretends to be a Rube Goldberg machine) Feather, feather, feather, feather, scale, lever, ka-chunk, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bowlingball, bell, ding! Startles the chicken! BUCKAAAH! Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, egg, dominoes…shhhhhhhhhhh…

Scientist 1: Sir, the Mars Rover will be lost in less than a minute!

Head Scientist: Would you shut up, woman! Can’t you see the dominoes are falling?!

Zinger: Click, fan! Candle in a paper boat, candle in a paper boat, wick, fuse, bottle rocket, fssssshhhhhhhh…(He is now gesturing wildly in the air)

Scientist: Would you look at that! It spells “zing!”

Slam: You win, Dave. You always loved your zingers more than me.

Zinger: It’s who I am.

Slam: I have one last slam for you. I’m not wearing anything under this lab coat…(turns to the head scientist) Care to check, doctor?

Scientist: Oh, don’t mind if I do!

Scientist 2: Uh, what about the Rover?

Head Scientist: Uh, no longer a top priority! (Runs off after Debbie.)

Submitted by: The Carters

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Billy Smith…..Fred Armisen
Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

President Bush on Friday chose seven people for a committee to investigate his administration’s intelligence failures in Iraq. When questioned whether his handpicked appointees could be impartial, President Bush responded, “I’m sure Slim, Bug Eye, Button Down, Hot Rod, Shorty, Flapjack and Kool-Aid will be completely impartial!”

One of the seven people appointed is Senator John McCain, a longtime critic of President Bush. When asked how the commission was progressing so far, McCain said, “Pretty good. In fact, we’ve already found one huge intelligence failure.” [Picture of President Bush; applause]

Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld said Wednesday that he still believes we will find weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. These statements used to make me angry, but now I just feel kinda sad for him, the way I feel when-[some laughter]-The way I feel when Linus waits for the Great Pumpkin.

Jimmy Fallon: Howard Dean, once the Democratic frontrunner, said that if he does not win the Wisconsin primary on February 17, he will drop out of the race. Dean made the announcement by telling a group of supporters, [waving his arms]“We will not go to Oklahoma, or Indiana, or Kansas, we will not go to Texas, or Kentucky, or Pennsylvania, or New York, or- aiieeee!” [applause]

Tina Fey: After a poor showing in Tuesday’s primaries, Senator Joe Lieberman ended his presidential bid Tuesday night, explaining, “Feh.”

It was a disappointing primary season for Lieberman, but on the plus side, his campaign was long, quiet, and depressing enough to qualify as a Jewish holiday. [applause]

Lieberman said he has no immediate plans for his political future, and instead he will return to his regular job playing the dad on “ALF.” [picture of Lieberman with ALF]

Jimmy Fallon: [picture of Janet Jackson after her Super Bowl performance] I’m gonna call ya Miss Jackson, ‘cause you’re nasty.

Justin Timberlake was reportedly upset with Janet Jackson over the Super Bowl halftime show incident, saying that he was told her breasts would never be in full view. But is it really so shocking that a member of the Jackson family took advantage of a naïve young boy? [applause]

Tina Fey: The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees is a sacred institution, and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy. ‘Cause you know those gay guys would go all out. We’re talking about designer wedding cakes, twenty-thousand-dollar sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked-man ice sculptures that pee Mojitos, they’d hire Patti LaBelle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors, it would be redonkulous. So remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy! [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: I wanted to check in again with one of my favorite up-and-coming standup comedians. He’s a Native American from the Apacalo Tribe. Please welcome Billy Smith, ladies and gentlemen.

[Indian flute music plays as camera pans to Billy Smith]

[SUPER: “Billy Smith / Native American”]

Billy Smith: Thank you. Well, let me hear you make some noise! [audience cheers] Thank you. Boy, it sure is cold here in this island of square mountains and yellow horses. It is so cold, that I feel as if I have frozen off my, whacacka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

A, uh, whacacka is a ceremonial rattle that, uh, makes the noise of rain. Heh-heh. [low audience response] A play on words. [pause; Billy taps the microphone] Is this thing on?

Jimmy Fallon: That’s good! That’s funny.

Billy Smith: Anyway, my wife is a terrible cook. Whenever she prepares a feast, I tell her I would sooner eat, istakayamakosama!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Thank you. Istakayamakosama is a small red ant that stinks when squashed. [low audience response] Nothing. [pause] Nook Nook! [pause] Nook Nook!

[some members of audience shout “Who’s there?”]

Jimmy Fallon: Who- who’s there?

Billy Smith: No, no. Uh, Nook Nook is my brother’s name. I want to give him a shout out! [pause]

Tina Fey: Jimmy, what is it that you like about this guy?

Billy Smith: What is your problem, Tina Fey? Is your husband not giving you enough tosina-istataka!

[low audience response; Billy pauses for a moment]

Tina Fey: What?

Billy Smith: Tostina-istataka is a long serrated leaf which can be threaded through meat. [pause; Tina looks dumbfounded] Threaded through meat. [pause] VRROOOM! Like the hawk over her head!

Anyway, they’re giving me the ceremonial torch. That’s my time folks. Thank you very much.

Jimmy Fallon: Billy Smith, everyone!

Tina Fey: Billy Smith.

Jimmy Fallon: Fantastic, fantastic.

Tina Fey: The Native American insult comic!

The White House Tuesday defended President Bush against Democratic accusations that he was absent without leave from the Texas Air National Guard in the 1970s. A spokesman labeled the claims “shameful,” and “the worst of election year politics,” and “completely true.”

[picture of a haggard-looking James Brown around the time that he was arrested on domestic violence charges]

Jimmy Fallon: I FEEEL-not so good actually, not so good.

Monday was Groundhog Day. Janet Jackson’s breast popped out of its hole, saw its shadow, and now we’ll have six more weeks of overreaction. [applause]

Tina Fey: FOX is developing a new reality dating series called “Playing it Straight,” in which a female contestant will date 14 bachelors, some of whom are gay, and some are straight. The show was originally called “The Tina Fey College Experience.” [applause]

Jimmy Fallon: That’s pretty- that’s pretty embarrassing.

Tina Fey: Oh, really, that’s- that’s embarrassing?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Yeah. If you think that’s embarrassing, why don’t you take a look at this videotape I found of you, two weeks ago!

Jimmy Fallon: No, you didn’t. No, please don’t-

Tina Fey: Yeah! Roll that tape, Beth!

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t show that.

Tina Fey: Yeah. Roll the tape.

[Intro to “American Idol” is played; Jimmy stands in a small room dressed as William Hung]

Jimmy Fallon: Let me just say I have no professional training in music. All right.

[Jimmy awkwardly sings and dances]

“Talk to me, tell me your name
You blow me off like it’s all the same
She bangs, she bangs, Oh baby
When she moves, she moves, I go crazy
She looks like a flower
and she stings like a bee
Like every girl in history
She bangs, she bangs!”

[Jimmy stops singing and stares ahead; “American Idol” animation plays again; applause]

Tina Fey: In an interview with “Dateline NBC,” David Gest, who claims Liza Minelli beat him, says he has received 80 shots of Botox in his head to deaden the pain. OK, so that explains him, but who’s been beating up Meg Ryan? [audience groans; Tina addresses the audience reaction] Ohhhhhhh, it’s like a roller coaster!

This week, Alex Trebek crashed his truck into a string of mailboxes and sailed over an embankment into a ditch, because he was this:

Jimmy Fallon: Uhh- [holds his pencil like a “Jeopardy!” buzzer and presses on the eraser to buzz in] Wasted off his ass? [Tina shakes her head no] Wait, wait, wait! What is wasted off his ass? [Tina nods; applause]

A troupe of breakdancers performed at the Vatican last week for Pope John Paul the Second. Or, as he now prefers to be called, Pope John Paul II: Electric Boogaloo.

Tina Fey: This week, Barbara Walters announced she’ll be leaving “20/20,” the newsmagazine she’s been hosting since 1979. Here with a comment is Barbara Walters herself. [polite applause; pan to Barbara][SUPER: “Barbara Walters / ABC News”]

Barbara Walters: Thank you, Tina. In my years at “20/20,” I’ve interviewed dozens of influential stars and politicians, and I’m known for getting into the hearts of my subjects. When I made the decision to leave “20/20,” I asked myself, if I were going to be the subject of an interview, who should interview me? Perhaps that gummy little sprite Katie Couric from “The Today Show,” or what about Diane Sawyer, that bucket of Botox over at “Good Morning America?”

And then, Tina, I realized there’s only one woman smart enough, and one woman sharp enough to go toe-to-toe with Barbara Walters.

Tina Fey: Oh, well, gosh, Barbara, I’m speechless. Thank you-

Barbara Walters: And that woman is me.

Tina Fey: Oh, OK. Well, knock yourself out then.

Barbara Walters: Cameraman, my filter.

[filter set on camera to give the scene a softer, more dramatic appearance]

Barbara, after more than two decades, you’re leaving “20/20.” Now you’ll be full time over at “The View,” listening to Joy Behar scream about menopause while you sit in one of Star Jones’ fart clouds. How does that make you feel, Barbara?

[turns head and addresses a different camera, also with filter] Not good.

[turns head back] Barbara, if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?

[turns head] Hmm… I guess a bonzai. Beautiful, delicate, yet strong, pruned into perfect shape, and 400 years old.

[turns head] Tell me about your mother.

[turns head] Oh, Barbara, I- I thought I agreed I wasn’t going to ask myself this.

[turns head] Your mother, Barbara. Tell me about her.

[turns head; starts to cry] Oh, God. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry. [cries loudly]

[Tina addresses Barbara; filters are now gone]

Tina Fey: Are- are you OK? You all right?

Barbara Walters: [suddenly composed] I’m fine.

Well, it’s been one hell of a ride. I’ve been to Nice, and the Isles of Greece, while I’ve sipped champagne on a yacht.

[begins to sing]
“I moved like Harlow in Monte Carlo and showed ’em what I’ve got
I’ve been undressed by kings and I’ve seen some things
That a woman ain’t s’posed to see
I’ve been to paradise-“

Tina Fey: [quietly] Barbara Walters everyone.

Barbara Walters: “But I’ve never been to me.”

Tina Fey: Barbara Walters. Thank you.

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Musical Relatives

Vicki…Amy Poehler
Leon Warwick…Kenan Thompson
Connie Raitt…Megan Mullally
Eddie…Chris Parnell
Tray Aiken…Clay Aiken

[open on exterior of Grammy award venue]

[dissolve to velvet rope entrance.]

[Vicki, an usher, stands at the doorway]

Vicki: Please, can you have your tickets out and ready, thank you. Tickets out. Tickets out and ready. [she accepts several tickets as guests enter the building, stage right] Thank you. Tickets. [Leon approaches and tries to walk past her] Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, excuse me sir, do you have a ticket?

Leon: Oh, I’m sorry, and what is your name?

Vicki: Vicki, and I need your ticket please.

Leon: Ah, Vicki. Thank you so much for your help. [tries to walk past Vicki]

Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, hey, you can’t go in there without a ticket.

Leon: Unless one’s name is Leon Warwick.

Vicki: Who?

Leon: Leon Warwick. You know, War-wick. I’m on the list.

Vicki: No, there is no list.

Leon: Hey, my aunt put me on the VIP list, okay?

Vicki: Who’s your aunt?

Leon: One Miss Dionne Warwick. Grammy winner, creator of the [airquotes] Psychic Friends Network, the hostess of [does dance move] “Solid Gold.” Certainly you’ve heard of her.

Vicki: Yeah, of course I have.

Leon: Well, then, obviously you can see the resemblance. [gestures towards his own face]

Vicki: Actually, I don’t. And if I did, you’d still need a ticket. [accepts ticket from entering guest] Thank you.

Leon: Well, listen to this, and try to tell me I’m not a Warwick. [clears throat, sings] If you see me walking down the street / and I start to cry each time we meet / walk on by. / Walk on by…Walk on by, walk on by, walk on by! [shouts rather than sings as he tries to walk past Vicki, but is stopped by her]

Vicki: I’m really sorry, but you gotta have a ticket.

Leon: Okay, you know what? I think I’m beginning to see what the hangup is, all right? I’ll have my friend clear this up. [calls off-screen] Connie! Connie, over here!

Connie: [enters and poses] What is it?

Leon: This snippy little usher won’t let me into the Grammys. She says there’s no list.

Connie: [chuckles] Well, then, you can come in as my guest.

Leon: Oh, you’re the best.

Vicki: Whoah, whoah, whoah. You have to have a ticket, ma’am.

Connie: Oh, really? Why would I need a ticket to the Grammys when my name is Connie Raitt.

Vicki: Because everybody needs a ticket.

Connie: Oh, really?

Vicki: Yeah, really?

Connie: Well, let’s just check with my aunt Bonnie. As in Bonnie Raitt. Leon, let me use your mobile. [pulls a very large handset out of Leon’s shoulder bag, and the handset remains attached to the inside of the bag via a cord] Hi, Aunt Bonnie, it’s Connie. Hello? Hello? Bonnie says to let us in.

Vicki: Okay, you know what, you know what, I’m going to let security deal with you guys. Eddie!

Eddie: What’s the problem?

Leon: Hey, I’ll tell you what the problem is. As you can clearly see, I am Leon Warwick, and this is Connie Raitt, and apparently we’re not on the list.

Eddie: Okay, I don’t give a fat turd if you’re Kirsten Timberlake. There is no list; if you don’t have a ticket, you need to leave.

Connie: Oh, really?

Leon: Do you realize that you are turning away the half-nephew of a Black Achievement Awards presenter?

Eddie: I’m willing to accept that responsibility.

Connie: All right, there is no use in getting upset about it. We’re just going to have to accept the fact that no matter what we say or do, they are not going to let us into the Grammys. Let’s go. [leans in very close to Eddie and sings] Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t / You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t / Here in the dark–

Eddie: Get the hell out of here!

[Connie walks forward and poses]

Leon: You’ll be hearing from our Aunts!

[Leon and Connie exit stage left]

Eddie: Out!

Vicki: All right, tickets everybody. Bring your tickets please. Tickets. Whoah, whoah, whoah, sir, ticket please.

Tray: Oh, well, I’m Tray Aiken, Clay Aiken’s cousin-in-law.

Vicki: I’m sorry, you’re going to need a ticket.

Tray: I don’t really need a ticket, do I sweetie? [winks]

Vicki: No, you don’t need a ticket. Go ahead. That Aiken wink gets me every time!

Submitted by: Davidk93

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Celebrity Poker Showdown

Carrot Top…..Seth Meyers
Gene Shalit…..Horatio Sanz
Geraldo Rivera…..Darrell Hammond
Kevin Pollack…..Jimmy Fallon
Phil Gordon/Bravo Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Tammy Faye Messner…..Megan Mullally

[fade in on Bravo station identification screen with big band music playing]

Bravo Announcer: You’re watching Bravo—The Gay Stuff and Poker Network.

[dissolve to last part of animated opening sequence from “Celebrity Poker Showdown”]

[dissolve again to Kevin Pollack and Phil Gordon at the commentary desk]

Kevin Pollack: Welcome back to Celebrity Poker Showdown. I’m your host, the Man of 1000 Voices, Kevin Pollack. With me is poker professional, Phil Gordon [Gordon waves to the camera]. Phil, we’ve got a real barn burner here today—or as William Shatner would say…[in Shatner-esque cadence]: Spock…Bones…We got a real—barn burner—here today. [in normal voice]: That’s Captain Kirk.

Phil Gordon: [half-heartedly] That’s great, Kevin.

Kevin Pollack: [not reading into the weak compliment] Yes, it is great.

Phil Gordon: All right, let’s look at the current chip count. Carrot Top is in first place [an animated poker chip rolls across the screen, cutting to the stage where the four players and the dealer are seated] with $300,000.

[cut to Carrot Top]

Carrot Top: Hey, check it out, I have two “pair” [holds up two pears] or maybe I have a “flush” [holds up a miniature toilet and laughs annoyingly]

[cut to Geraldo Rivera]

Phil Gordon V/O: Geraldo Rivera is in second place with $260,000.

Geraldo Rivera: [while speaking into his Fox News microphone] I’m here at the Minion’s Horseshoe Casino with these dastardly daredevils known as professional poker players, but for all the danger and dastardliness that surrounds me, I might as well be taking mortifier in Mogadeeshenu as I so often have.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit in third place with $150,000

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: I have a real “chip” on my shoulder [holds up a poker chip] about this card game. And you can tell your “ante” I’d like to “poker”.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: And finally, Tammy Faye Messner, formerly Tammy Faye Bakker, from TV’s “The Surreal Life” has $120,000.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: That’s okay. After all, you can’t buy your way into Heaven [laughs heartily, then starts sobbing]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, you—you have to admit; Tammy Faye has been playing well, despite repeating sobbing fits.

[cut back to Tammy Faye, sobbing harder than before with black mascara running down her face]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, my money’s on Gene Shalit. He’s been playing great, except for the hands that he missed when he went out for Blimpie’s. He’s got to be the favorite.

Kevin Pollack: [in Colombo voice] “Uh, pardon me, ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you. Just one more time, I agree with you” [in normal voice]: That’s Peter Falk as Colombo.

Phil Gordon: [slightly annoyed] That’s—That’s really great.

Kevin Pollack: It is. It was.

Phil Gordon: [sighs, changes the subject] Let’s head back to the table. [cut back to stage where the four players and the dealer are seated]: The great thing is, thanks to our lipstick cameras, we can see what cards the players have. Okay [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Geraldo’s hand] Geraldo Rivera has [hand picks up cards, revealing an eight of diamonds and a ten of clubs] an eight and a ten.

[cut to Geraldo, speaking into his Fox News microphone]

Geraldo Rivera: Once again, my portentious plans for victory have been thwarted by the igdaminious ten to eight of suit. I have no other recourse but to boldly bluff. I bet $2000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Now, this brings up a good point: if you’re going to try to bluff, try not to announce it into your hand mike. [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Tammy Faye’s hands, which now inexplicably have fake red fingernails on them]: Tammy Faye Messner has [hand picks up a pair of sixes—one the six of diamonds, the other, the six of spades—caked in foundation and blush]: And though they seem to be covered in make-up, it makes a good hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner, her cheeks streaked with runny mascara, but now with a smile on her face]

Tammy Faye Messner: Well, as the Lord sayeth unto us, “We must always bet hard pre-flop with a low-pocket pair.” I’m in for twenty grand.

Phil Gordon V/O: Tammy Faye is in for $20,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Christopher Walken] You—you—you know, if Christopher Walken were here…he’d surely be wowed. [in normal voice to Phil Gordon, who is not impressed by the impersonation]: That’s Christopher—Christopher Walken.

Phil Gordon: [has had enough of Pollack’s voices]: Yeah. I’d like you to stop that.

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Johnny Carson] And I will definitely stop that. [in normal voice]: That’s Johnny Carson.

Phil Gordon: How did you even get this job?

Kevin Pollack: [imitating Ronald Reagan] Well, Nancy, Ronald Reagan wasn’t available. [in normal voice]: That was Ronald Reagan.

Phil Gordon: Maybe you should stop doing impressions.

Kevin Pollack: [in a Liverpool accent à la one of the Beatles] Maybe I shouldn’t have landed in New York forty years ago and played “The Ed Sullivan Show” [mimicks playing a guitar; again speaks in normal voice]: It’s—it’s one of the Beatles. George, Ringo? [Gordon glares at Pollack]: Any one of the Beatles?

[Gordon gives up on trying to talk Pollack out of doing his impressions and gets back to the poker game]

Phil Gordon V/O: Carrot Top [cut to lipstick-cam shot of Carrot Top’s hand] is holding [hand picks up a photo of Richard Simmons and a photo of Ian McKellen] pictures of Richard Simmons and Ian McKellen?!

[Carrot Top holds the photos up between his face]

Carrot Top: Look everybody, I have two “queens” [laughs annoyingly]

[cut to lipstick cam view of Gene Shalit’s cards, which are obstructed by a plate of devilled eggs with olives on them]

Phil Gordon V/O: And finally, Gene Shalit has a pile of devilled eggs hidden under his cards [Shalit removes one of the devilled eggs to reveal the card—a deuce of spades and a seven of diamonds]

[cut to Gene Shalit, eating one of the devilled eggs]

Gene Shalit: I’m “eggs-tatic” about these “egg-cellent” cards…and that’s no “yolk”!

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Gene Shalit’s hand is a two-seven off-suit. [Pollack mumbles something under his breath]: Now this is one of the worst starting hands you can have in poker [Pollack shakes his head “No”; cut back to Gene Shalit contemplating on whether or not to fold], so he’ll fold.

[Shalit is still contemplating over whether or not to fold until he looks at his cards again and slams them down]

Gene Shalit: [pushes poker chips into the center] I’m in for $100,000.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: [taken aback over turn of events] Boy, that’s…terrible. Uh, well, it’s going to be Tammy Faye, Geraldo, or Gene Shalit. And it’s time to see the flop.

Kevin Pollack: You know, if Howard Cosell were here…

Phil Gordon: [brusquely interrupts Pollack] Well, he’s not! He’s not! And the flop comes [cut to lipstick-cam shot of the dealer laying down a king of clubs, a king of diamonds, and a six of clubs with the accompanying super: “The Flop” underneath the shot]: king, king, six. Oh, good news for Tammy Faye, who has three sixes and two kings, that’s a full house.

Tammy Faye Messner: [dramatically] It is a sign! 666 is the mark of Satan! [calmly]: But I ain’t throwin’ away a full boat. I’m all in. [pushes her poker chips in the center of the table]

[cut to Gene Shalit]

Gene Shalit: [addressing the camera] As the man in the Chinese laundry said, “Choing, choing, choing. I fold!”

[studio audience groans at the semi-racist joke; cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: That was, uh, borderline offensive, uh, but Gene Shalit has folded.

[cut to Geraldo Rivera speaking into his Fox News microphone one last time]

Geraldo Rivera: My blustery bluff has failed. My dastardly deed has me deader than a door nail. Geraldo Rivera folds [kisses his index and middle finger together]: Fox News.

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Phil Gordon: Geraldo Rivera folds, so that means Tammy Faye is going to win this hand.

[cut to Tammy Faye Messner]

Tammy Faye Messner: [victoriously] I win. Praise the Lord [raises her hands in the air]: This money is going straight to the needy…as in “I ‘needy’ more make-up!”

[Carrot Top picks up two golf clubs]

Carrot Top: Hey look, everybody, I got two “clubs” [puts clubs down and buries his face in his hands in shame over the lame, ill-timed joke]

[cut back to the commentary desk with Pollack and Gordon]

Kevin Pollack: [à la Reverend Jim from “Taxi”] Whoa, Alex! [in normal voice]: That’s Jim from “Taxi”. That certainly was a wild hand [imitating Casey Kasem]: I’m Casey Kasem [back to normal voice]: That’s Casey Kase—

Phil Gordon: [fed up with Pollack’s impersonations]: Stop it! [to camera] We’ll be right back after this.

[Pollack does another impersonation and Gordon tells him again to stop. The scene dissolves to the “Celebrity Poker Showdown” title card, followed by a fade to back]

Submitted by: Candy

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03km: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

The Wizard of Oz

Dorothy…..Amy Poehler
Glenda the Good Witch…..Maya Rudolph
Munchkin #1…..Fred Armisen
Munchkin #2…..Seth Meyers
Munchkin #3…..Chris Parnell
Munchkin #4…..Will Forte
Munchkin #5…..Rachel Dratch
Munchkin #6…..Kenan Thompson
Munchkin #7…..Horatio Sanz
Munchkin Lawyer…..Megan Mullally
…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on Turner Classic Movies logo ]

Announcer: Turner Classic Movies now returns to “The Wizard of Oz”.

[ dissolve to scene where Dorothy steps out of the farm house after the tornado has dumped it into the magical and colorful land of Oz ]

Dorothy: Oh, my.. now I know we’re not in Kansas any more, Toto.

[ Toto barks, as Glenda the Good Witch steps forward amongst the many Munchkins surrounding the house ]

Glenda the Good Witch: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

Dorothy: [ startled ] Who? Me? Oh, I’m not a witch at all! I’m Dorothy Gale, from Kansas! Witches are old and ugly!

[ the nearby Munchkins titter at Dorothy’s assertion ]

Dorothy: Why are they laughing?

Glenda the Good Witch: They’re laughing, you see, because I’m a witch. Glenda, the Good Witch of the North.

Dorothy: Oh! Well, I-I beg your pardon! It’s just, I’ve never heard of a beautiful witch before!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ chuckles ] Only bad witches are ugly.

Dorothy: Oh! [ laughs ] Well, I guess that — Hey! Wait a second. You just asked me if I was a bad witch. What are you trying to say?

Glenda the Good Witch: [ stammering ] Oh.. uh.. geeeee..

Munchkin #1: Awk-warrrrrrrd!

Glenda the Good Witch: [ changing the subject ] Um.. look. The important thing is.. you, Dorothy Gale, are a hero to these people – for, when your house fell, you killed the Wicked Witch of the East!

[ show the Wicked Witch’s shriveled legs and foot under the front of the house ]

Munchkin #2: The Witch is dead! Three cheers for Dorothy and her falling house!

Munchkins: Hip hip hooray!! Hip hip hooray!!

Munchkin #3: [ crying in horror ] Oh, my God!!!!

[ show Munchkins #4, #5 and #6 trapped under the side of the house ]

Munchkin #4: My spine!!

Munchkin #5: My pelvis has been shattered!!

Munchkin #6: Will somebody raise this damn house off of me?!

Dorothy: Ohh! Ohh, my! I didn’t mean to —

Munchkin #3: Somebody, help!! Where’s Dr. Wingnut?!!

Munchkin #2: He was here just a second ago!! He was standing right over th —

[ Munchkin #2 points to the area he was standing out, now covered by the house, his legs dangling out ]

Munchkin #2: Oh, boy.. this is not good..

Munchkin #7: [ pointing to Dorothy ] This is all your fault! Do something!

Dorothy: Oh! Oh, I know! There’s a first aid kit in the house!

[ Dorothy climbs up the steps of the house, putting added pressure onto the Munchkins trapped beneath the house ]

Munchkins #4, #5, #6: Owwwwww!!!! Owwwwww!!!

Munchkin #7: There’s people down there!!

Dorothy: Oh, okay! Bad idea! I’m really sorry!

Munchkin #1: Dear God, it’s worse than we thought! The entire Lollipop Guild is down there!

[ show the outstretched arm of a member of the Lollipop Guild under the front of the house, trying desperately to clutch onto a lollipop ]

Dorothy: Oh! Look, look, nobody panic! We can get them out! We just have to pull! [ grabs two legs ] See! I think it’s working! 1! 2! [ gives a swift tug, as the bloody stumps come flying out ]

[ the Munchkins scream in horror ]

Dorothy: Yikes! Another bad idea! Uh.. Glenda, you know magic.. could you, uh..?

[ Glenda removes the hat from a Munchkin’s head, and throws up in it ]

Dorothy: O-kay.. uh.. no help there! [ chuckles ] Look, I’m just making things worse, maybe I should just go.

Munchkin #7: Oh no, you don’t! You’ve got one hell of a lawsuit on your hands, lassie!

Dorothy: Oh, come on! You’re not gonna —

[ bouncy music rises, as Munchkin Lawyer and her associates enter the scene ]

Munchkin Lawyer: [ singing ]
“Weeeee represent, the victims’ families!
The victims’ families, the victims’ families!
And in the name of victims’ families
We’re gonna sue your ass in Munchkin court!”

Dorothy: What? A class action suit?!

Munchkin Lawyer: Oh, we’re gonna take you for every gumdrop you got, Sweetie!

Dorothy: Oh, this is terrible! It must be a bad dream! [ closes her eyes ] There’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home.. there’s no place like home..

[ a slow dissolve, but no change ]

Dorothy: Aw, crap!

Munchkin #7: Yeah. No go.

Munchkin #2: Nice try. Haul her off, boys! Shave her with a candy cane if she tries anything!

Dorothy: Oh! Toto!

[ Dorothy is hauled away, as Darrell Hammond enters the scene ]

Darrell Hammond: Well, folks, we hope you enjoyed our little Wizard Of Oz piece. But if you want to really experience it on a whole other level, ty this: simply rewind back to the beginning of the sketch, turn the sound down, light up a fattie, watch the whole thing over again with Dark Side of the Moon playing. [ holds up the famed Pink Floyd album ] I guar-an-tee you’re going to enjoy that! I know I will!

Music Out: “Money”, Pink Floyd.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Oprah’s Favorite Things

Oprah Winfrey…..Maya Rudolph
Woman #1…..Rachel Dratch
Woman #2…..Amy Poehler
Woman #3…..Meagn Mullally
Woman #4…..Tina Fey

Oprah Winfrey: You people came here on a really good day.

[Audience claps]

Oprah Winfrey: Everyone knows it’s my BIRTH-DAY!! [Oprah starts dancing] It’s my birthday, It’s my birthday! I’m turning 50 y’all, and you know, I love presents. Nice presents.

[audience is excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Do you love nice presents? Do you?!

[audience gets more excited]

Oprah Winfrey: Love…nice…presents!!

[Woman #3 and Woman #4 start screaming]

Oprah Winfrey: You are about to receive everything on my…BIRTHDAY LIST!!

[audience stands up and cheers hysterically]

Oprah Winfrey: Get ready for Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday E-DI-TION!!!

[SUPER: “Oprah’s Favorite Things”]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday Edition

Oprah Winfrey: You ladies are going to love this. First up, on Oprah’s Favorite Things, my favorite to die for cashmere sweater set by Ralph LAUREN!!

[Bags are handed out, Woman #2 starts crying]

Oprah Winfrey: Now these, these are the absolute best. Julia Roberts told me about these, she is a big turkey lover. And, Julia Roberts told me that nobody does turkeys like…Green Hour smoked turkeys!!

[Woman # 3 starts kicking high and then faints, another woman is carried out by paramedics]

[Woman #1 and Woman # 2 fight over turkey]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s just like Oprah’s Favorite Things, only more exciting.

Oprah Winfrey: I wore these on John Travolta’s plane – UGG BOO-OO-OOTS!!

[Woman #1 throws chair into wall, gunshot goes off, Woman # 4 starts to wet her pants]

Oprah Winfrey: And, these are the best macaroons Salma Hayek and I had put in our mouths, ever. C & B macaroons!!

[audience still cheering hysterically. Woman # 2 and Woman # 3 kiss]

[Woman # 3 pulls arm off of Woman #1]

[Woman # 4 is sitting monkey style, tearing into turkey]

[As a producer approaches with plate of macaroons, a random woman runs down the aisle and tosses the plate into the air, as producer falls down]

Oprah Winfrey: An-nd, the most expensive ever given away on Oprah’s Favorite Things – A DVD handy cam valued at over $900!!!

[audience still cheering hysterically, Woman # 2 head explodes into the air, from excitement]

[pregnant woman is on floor going in labor]

[scenes of bulls running, a house collapsing, and an atomic bomb going off, are shown]

[Woman #1 is humping Woman # 4]

Oprah Winfrey [v/o]: It’s what you’ve all been waiting for – Oprah’s Favorite Things: Birthday Edition. I’m turning 50, y’all. Monday, on “Oprah.”

[audience starts to crowd and cheer Oprah]

[SUPER: “Oprah’s Favorite Things”]

[fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 11

03k: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken

Nightline

Ted Koppel…..Darrell Hammond
Sen. John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Sen. John Edwards…..Will Forte
Sen. Joseph Lieberman…..Chris Parnell

[ open to Nightline logo ]

Announcer: This is ABC News Nightline. Reporting from Washington, here is Ted Koppel.

[ dissolve to Ted Koppel in the studio ]

Ted Koppel: Good evening. Slowly but unmistakably, the political landscape is taking shape. Where once there were nine Democratic hopefuls, we are now down to three serious contenders. I’m joined tonight by the Democratic frontrunner, Sen. John Kerry. Congratulations on a big day, Senator.

Sen. John Kerry: Well, thank you.. thank you, Ted.

Ted Koppel: Joining me as well, from the campaign trail, Sen. John Edwards.

Sen. John Edwards: Americas we are currently —

Ted Koppel: Hold that thought, Senator. And,from his home in Connecticut, the big loser in this week’s primary races, Sen. Joseph Lieberman.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Uh.. uh.. I really don’t see myself as a loser, Ted.

Ted Koppel: You can call it whatever you want, Senator, but it doesn’t change hte fact that you stunk it up out there.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: Fair enough.

Ted Koppel: Gentlemen, I’m going to be blunt. You know what we in the press have been saying – you also know there may have been deception at the highest level. Already, a special panel has been charged with investigating the matter – I’ll start with you, Sen. Kerry. Wehre do you stand, with regards to Janet Jackson’s be-yoob?

Sen. John Kerry: Uh, I’m sorry, Ted.. I didn’t catch that..

Ted Koppel: The be-yoob! Miss Janet Jackson’s exposed mammory. Comments?

Sen. John Kerry: Well.. I think, first off, the Amercian people are more concerned about jobs, the future of their children. not the.. halftime sohw at the Superbowl, and.. that’s what my campaign is all —

Ted Koppel: Sen. Edwards, perhaps you won’t be so evasive. It’s the most Googled story in two years. We in the news business can’t stop talking about it. You saw it – round, perhaps fake, smaller than most of us like. But.. there it was. Comments?

Sen. John Edwards: Uh, Ted.. ah was deeply offended by what ah saw.. but, ah agree with my colleague, Sen. Kerry – this election will be won on issues real Americans care about, like Health Care.

Ted Koppel: Well, let’s talk about Health Care. Was it a healthy breast? It didn’t look healthy. I thought it had more sag to it than it should have. and what was that Chinese throwing star doing stuck to it? Sen. Kerry?

Sen. John Kerry: Uhhh.. I’m.. I’m not sure that’s what it was, Ted.. but I guess if there is any issue —

Ted Koppel: If there is an issue?? You know, gentlemen, the way it seems to me, you appear to be afraid to weigh in on this subject, until the Budsh camp has formed a position. I throw the question to you, Sen. Lieberman, because you have nothing at stake. You clearly have nothing more to lose.

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: W-well, thank you, Ted.. I, I.. did overestimate my appeal.. uh.. but, as you know, during my campaign, I often talked about holding the entertainment industry more accounable. To this end, I TiVoed the Superbowl halftime show.. uh. I paused it many times.. and, and.. frankly, because I’m no longer in the race, I can say I wish it had been Queen Latifah. Uh.. or, or, perhaps Catherine Bell, you know, from “JAG”.

Ted Koppel: I know who Catherine Bell is, Senator, and, yes, that would have been nice., that would have been very nice. In fact, it would have been exquisite, for a man of my age and habits. But, was it an accident?

Sen. Joseph Lieberman: I don’t see how it could have been, Ted.. I, I must have watched it a hundred times.

Sen. John Kerry: And may I just say once again – I don’t see how this relates to the larger issue —

Ted Koppel: No, you may not! Sen. Lieberman and I were discussing an important part of a woman’s anatomy. Unlike you or Edwards, we both recognize this is a very big story. That be-yoob didn’t just pop out on its own! Did Justin know? And what about that red bra that was supposed to be there? Will Janet be allowed to present at the Grammys? Will this hurt Justin? I hope not. Sen. Kerry – final thoughts?

Sen. John Kerry: Ted, I.. I think you need to find help!

Ted Koppel: You can’t evade the tough questions forever, Senator. Join me tomorrow night, for part five of my series on the be-yoob. Stay tuned for.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts