Sean Hayes: Thank you! I’ve had, probably, the most fun that I’ve had in my entire life this week! [ this news excites Molly Shannon beyond necessity ] Thanks to Shaggy, G.E. smith, T-Bone Wolk! [ laughs at the name ] Uh – my mom, Max, David and Jimmy. Uh – all my family and friends, I love you very much. Probably the msot talented cast I’ve ever worked with. [ the cast cheer themselves ] Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
Future First Lady Laura Bush will wear a red-scoop-neck embroidered Chantilly lace gown to next week’s Inaugural Ball. It will take three women 100 hours to complete the gown. Coincidentally, the three women are all former houseguests of Linda Chavez.
President Clinton will be moving out of the White House next week and when he does, he is expected to be the first president in history to not get his security deposit back.
It was announced this week that Ricky Martin will perform at the Lincoln Memorial as part of President Bush’s inauguration. Apparently, Mr. Bush’s first step in restoring the dignity of the presidency is having a soap star sing “She Bangs” at the foot of the Great Emancipation.
Jimmy Fallon: Well, unfortunately, Florida’s Secretary of State Katherine Harris’ fifteen minutes of fame are quite up. On Thursday, she was interviewed by Diane Sawyer on “20/20”, and yesterday she testified in front of the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights. Here now, with a special and hopefully final message from all of us, is Katherine Harris.
Katherine Harris: Thank you, Jimmy. I appreciate this opportunity. The past months have been a difficult and trying time for me. Particularly irksome have been the unwarranted and sexist criticism of my appearance, my make-up, my clothing. These attacks have forced me to tone down my make-up to such an extent, that I feel exposed and uncomfortable. Well, tonight, I would like to take a moment to respond to those who have criticized me. First off – Paul Begala, co-host of MSNBC’s “Equal Time”, who referred to me as “Cruella De Vil”. This guy looks like someone skinned Kermit the Frog. Then there’s Jay Leno. Good Lord! He needs a funhouse mirror to shave! And here’s Bill Maher. He actually agrees with me that attacking a person’s appearance is inappropriate. No wonder – look at him! His head looks like someone left an apple on a radiator!
Tina Fey: Okay, Katherine, that’s enough..
Katherine Harris: You know what, Tina? Joan Jett called. She wants her haircut back.
Tina Fey: Oh, that’s just mean.
Jimmy Fallon: No, no. That’s actually pretty cool! Keep going!
Katherine Harris: You know what, Jimmy? Cheech called..
Jimmy Fallon: No, no! Please, that’s enough! Katherine Harris, everybody! Cheech?
Tina Fey: Cheech Marin? You look like Pee-Wee Herman!
This week, for the first time, president Clinton publicly described the way he plans to accomplish peace in the middle East: Magic!
One of the stars of the original “Survivor”, the ex-Navy Seal and admitted homophobe Rudy, will be made into a 12 inch action figure. You pull its string and it says, “Don’t pull my string, fag!”
Scientists this week announced they have spliced the DNA of a jellyfish into a Rhesus monkey causing the monkey protein to glow green in the dark. Read all about it in this month’s New England Journal of Evil.
Tina Fey: This week, President Clinton rolled his farewell tour into New York City’s Madison Square Garden. Here with a review is our own Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Tina! It was awesome, what a show! First off, I got front row seats, everyone’s psyched.. they’re hitting their Whitewater beach balls around, everyone’s doing the Bent Penis Wave.. passing joints – nobody’s inhaling. The lights go out, lasers, smoke machines, spotlight, then.. Bam! Bill Clinton. He’s wearing the President suit, he’s does the thumb – he never does the thumb first off, so the place goes nuts! He opens up with “A Place Called Hope”, then launches into a 20-minute version of “I Did Not Have Sexual Relations”. Everyone goes wild! Then they do the Hillary part – you know, people start going to the bathroom. Second half: he’s got the sax, he does the instrumental version of the Impeachment. Everyone’s got their lighters out, people are throwing cigars. Then they retire the stained dress up in the rafters next to Willis Reed’s journal. Pandemonium! Three-and-a-half hours, Tina! Not since he toured with the Rolling Stones in ’92 has he ever been this good. I am totally going to see him closing night in D.C.
Earlier this week, Steve Geary, an English man who has been blind for two decades, threw a perfect game of darts – at least that’s what we’re telling him.
Tina Fey: According to published reports, Michael Douglas’ prenuptial agreement with Katherine Zeta-Jones features a $5 million penalty if she discovers the actor’s been unfaithful. In an interesting side note, the last person to pay that much for extracurricular sexual relations is this man.
Charlie Sheen: [ pops up behind desk ] Hi! [ exits ]
Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Prince Charles injured his shoulder after falling off his horse. Here now with a Terrible Re-enactment of that event, is our own Chris Kattan.
Chris Kattan: [ trotting on stick horse, trips and falls down ] Oh-oh-oh! My shoulder! [ stands up, bows, walks off ]
Tina Fey: That was really horrible!
Jimmy Fallon: Chris Kattan, everybody.
Earlier this week, M-TV shut down its programming to broadcast the names of hundreds of victims of hate crimes. This moving tribute was followed by Eminem’s “I’m Going to Kill You Bitch” weekend.
The Chinese pandas, T-ven T-ven and May Shang, made their official United States debut this week at the National Zoo in Washington. Zoo officials say the pandas are getting along well, although their relationship will really be put to the test in February when they spend a week on “Temptation Island”.
Tina Fey: Earlier this week, Linda Chavez withdrew as George W. Bush’s Labor Secretary nominee, amid reports that she housed an illegal immigrant named Marta Mercado. Although Chavez claims Mercado was a houseguest, Mercado did receive money and perform chores. Here now with her side of the story, is Marta Mercado.
Marta Mercado: Thank you, the Tina Fey, you are so kind to having me as your guest on the “Weekend Update!” So, you want, I will start with the floor, or do I scrub the desk first?
Tina Fey: Oh, no.. Marta, that’s not necessary.
Marta Mercado: What, what? But I am a guest. I brought my suitcase. [ places mop bucket on desk ] Would you like, I start with the big map? [ points to wall behind her ]
Tina Fey: Okay, in a second.. Now, you said you were not an employee of Ms. Chavez?
Marta Mercado: No. Ms. Tina Fey, we were framed. And she was such a good friend to me. She lended me the money, and she bought me these beautiful clothes.. not this sweater, but this.. [ removes sweater, revealing waitress outfit with name tag ] ..and she even put-a my name on it, so I always remembered my beautiful face!
Tina Fey: So, you lived as a guest in Linda Chavez’s house?
Marta Mercado: Jes.. well.. I live in the guest house, with the beautiful pool toys, and the paint cans, and, how do you say? What is the word? The car. I sleep next to the car.
Tina Fey: But did she know that you were in the country illegally?
Marta Mercado: Mmm.. [ thinking ] Jes. I think she may have.. because often she would say to me, “You filthy illegal, I take cream in my coffee!” So, maybe she knew this. But, jes, I think that no matter what it is, she would make a great Secretary of the Labor!
Tina Fey: She dropped out, Marta.
Marta Mercado: Yes. That’s probably for the best.
Tina Fey: Marta Mercado, everybody!
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Principal…..Jerry Minor Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Principal: Martin Luther King said the best way for a person to change is through nonviolent means, and that’s why I choose not to hunt down and beat the person who wrote “crap nut” on the globe in my office! SO not funny! You’re so mistaken if you think that’s funny! Okay, and now, a treat from the music department.
[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test. Whoops. We got a real hot mic here.
Marty Culp: Check, check.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got a real, real hot mic.
Marty Culp: Could we adjust the audio balance?
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Could we adjust the audio? And the treble, actually. And the –
Marty Culp: And the bass. All three.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we – can we adjust the treble and the bass? Nothing’s up to par today.
Marty Culp: Nothing. Well, good afternoon.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.
Marty Culp: What a special mandatory celebration of the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’m Mr. Marty Culp.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Ms. Bobbi Mohan-Culp. And as you know, we do head up the music department here at Alta Dena. So, hello again.
Marty Culp: Seems like only yesterday when Bobbi and I were driving to Washington in our VW Bus to join thousands of people in their march against racial discrimination.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It truly is a powerful memory. It really is. I think what I dug the most was the unity vibe. I was really grooving on with my brothers and sisters. It really was groovy.
Marty Culp: And what I think I dug the least was the 600 dollars we ended up paying in parking fines for mistakenly parking on the lawn of the Library of Congress. It really, really was a bummer.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Kind of tough. We blamed one another for not seeing the “No Parking” sign and really ripped into each other on the way home.
Marty Culp: Yeah.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It would be the only time in our relationship that I openly mocked Marty for being prematurely bald.
Marty Culp: It’s true. I retaliated, however, with a list of names for my wife, including Stink Pits and Cottage Cheese Ass.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes. Yeah, it was tough.
Marty Culp: I’m not proud of it.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. We learned that day just how terrible it feels to be shamed for who you are on the outside.
Marty Culp: In the end, we were being just a couple of judgmental honkies, pretty much.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We really were. Can we try to harness some of this rowdy energy? The diving and the jumping off the backs of chairs.
Marty Culp: Can we do that?
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: This is not a Limp Bisquick concert.
Marty Culp: No. No, it’s not. I’m Mr. Culp, not Fred Dilst up here. So knock off the marshing.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Okay, this is not the place… it’s not the place to be form a mush pit. It’s not the place.
Marty Culp: No marshing.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So, so no marshing. No marshing.
Marty Culp: It’s a “No Moosh Pit Zone”. I think it’s time for everyone to be still for a moment and reflect on the past.
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes, yes. You know, whether it be 1963 or 2001, the spirit of the Civil Rights Movement does live on right here.
Marty Culp: So sit down, sit in, and join our musical march straight to the top of mountain funk. 1, 2, 3, 4… [starts playing piano] Chuga-chuga…
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]
Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]
Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]
Marty Culp: “Come and ride the train!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”
Marty Culp: “Freedom!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”
Both: “Come and ride the train, come ride it!”
Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]
Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga!
[piano plays music to Sly and the Family Stone’s “Everyday People”]
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I am everyday people!”
Marty Culp: “There is a blue one that can’t accept the green one, for living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one…”
Both: “Different strokes for different folks, and so on and so forth and Scooby Dooby Doo!”
[music changes to Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music”]
Both: “And they were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving, and just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted…”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”
Marty Culp: “White boy…”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”
Marty Culp: “White…”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”
Marty Culp: “White boy…”
Both: “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ’til you die!”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “‘Til you die! Whoa, ’til you die!”
[music changes to DMX’s “Party Up”]
Both: “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind, Up in here, up in here! Y’all gonna make me go all out, Up in here, up in here! Y’all gonna make me act like a fool, Up in here, up in here! Y’all gonna make me lose my cool, Up in here, up in here!”
[tempo slows down and goes into Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On”]
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Ooooooh…”
Marty Culp: Hey, brother man. Hey, brother man, word out on the street is that it’s 2001 and we’re still not in a colorblind world.
Both: “Mother, mother, There’s too many of you crying, Oh, brother, brother, brother There’s far too many of you dying…”
Marty Culp: “You know we’ve got to find a way…”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “To bring some lovin’ here today! What’s goin’ on?”
Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”
Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”
Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”
Both: “What’s goin’ on?”
[music changes to Nine Days’ “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”]
Both: “This is the story of Dr. King, The cat who tried to do his own thing, We’re reminded of him every year, We absolutely love him Bank holiday!”
[music changes to Creed’s “Higher”]
“Can you take me higher, to a place where blind men see? Can you take me higher, to a place with golden streets? He had a dream!”
Brian Fellow…..Tracy Morgan Kirsten Francis…..Ana Gasteyer Pat Enstance…..Sean Hayes
[ A bunch of cartoonish cardboard-type animals parade across a blue and beige map of the world, followed by the title Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet as singers sing: ]
Singers [ voice-over ]: He loves animals And they love him back. Inter-species friends We ain’t kidding, mac! Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet! Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[ Scene changes to a cartoon background of two palm trees, grass, a blue sky, and the sun. TRACY MORGAN, wearing a safari outfit, hat, and glasses, walks through this. A cartoon yellow kangaroo jumps past him and off screen. A disclaimer appears across the screen, which a voice-over reads: ]
Voice-Over: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. [ A purple animal appears from behind the palm tree on TRACY’s left, then slips back behind it. The disclaimer changes and the voice-over continues to read, as a blue antelope and a green monkey appear on TRACY’s right: ]
Voice-Over: He is simple an enthusiastic young man with a sixth-grade education and an abiding love for all God’s creatures. Share his loves, tonight on…
[ Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet sign reappears on screen, and a giraff appears in the background ]
Singers: Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet!
[ CUT TO: A safari styled set, where TRACY is sitting in a chair. ]
Brian Fellow: Good evening, and welcome to ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. I’m Brian Fellow. It’s fashion week here in New York City, so tonight we’re gonna meet some animals that people make clothes out of. I’m very excited, so let’s get going! Our first guest can be made into jackets or hats. Please welcome a bunny rabbit!
[ ANA GASTEYER walks in from stage right, holding a white rabbit. ANA has her hair tied back and is wearing a purple top and dark grey pants. We see more of the set, there is a large rhinosaurus in the background, and a small table and matching chair next to TRACY. ANA sits down. ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Kirsten Francis: Uh, I’m Kirsten Francis, of PETA.
Brian Fellow: Welcome, Peta.
Kirsten Francis: No, I’m Kirsten, I’m with the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
[ ANA looks at him like he’s insane ]
Kirsten Francis: Yeah, I know, I know.
Brian Fellow: So what’s going on with this bunny rabbit?
Kirsten Francis: Well, this is Orphius. Last year, he was liberated from a filthy, understaffed labratory- Brian Fellow: Labratory? Is he some kind of rabbit scientist or something?
Kirsten Francis: No. He was the subject of a sadistic testing regiment.
Brian Fellow: A rabbit taking a test? That’s crazy!
Kirsten Francis: You know what’s crazy? The way this society treats our companion animals. Animal testing and the wearing of fur are both symptomatic of humans’ total disregard for animals.
[ TRACY is looking off into the distance, obviously not paying attention. A thought bubble appears above his head. In it, a rabbit in glasses is writing a test ]
Kirsten Francis: We must accept that fur is murder. And absolutely, my-
Brian Fellow: Yes!
Kirsten Francis: Yes what?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow!
Kirsten Francis: I know, Mr. Fellow.
Brian Fellow: Now let’s get down to serious business. How does the Easter bunny know where everybody’s house is?
Kirsten Francis: You know what, this is not the forum I thought it was, I’m leaving.
[ ANA stands and exits ]
Brian Fellow: Good, go! And take that rabbit scientist with you, he’s not as smart as he thinks. [ looks in the camera ] Sorry. Our next guest has made it to coats and scarves. Please welcome a mink!
[ SEAN enters, followed by a man who puts a cage containing three minks on the table beside TRACY. SEAN is wearing a striped brown, white and beige shirt, with a beige vest, and khakis ]
Brian Fellow: And who are you?
Pat Enstance: Uh, I’m Pat Enstance from the Bronx Zoo.
Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow! Pat Enstance: [ confused ] Yeah, I know, and I’m Pat Enstance.
Brian Fellow: And I’m Brian Fellow!
Pat Enstance: Okay, uh, Brian, these are short haired mink, they are from the ferret family and were bred to reduce the desirability to furiers-
Brian Fellow: [ looking at the minks ] Could you tell him to stop winking at me?! This white one here.
Pat Enstance: I’m pretty sure he’s not winking at you, Brian.
Brian Fellow: Yeah, well, he’d better stop. Now, my producers tell me that minks are sneaky and clever, is that true?
Pat Enstance: Well, they are extremely intelligent, but sneaky implies a little something different, I think.
Brian Fellow: Well, he’s gonna be walking different if he don’t stop winking at me.
Pat Enstance: You know what, Brian, this animal doesn’t ‘wink’ and he’s not ‘sneaky’ either.
Brian Fellow: Well, is he smart?
Pat Enstance: Actually, he is. It has been proven that the mink has a good memory, and adept at problem solving-
Brian Fellow: Problem solving? That’s funny!
[ SEAN looks confused and a little nervous ]
Pat Enstance: I’m not sure if it’s ‘funny’, but the knowledge that a mink can retain is amazing, that’s why I feel it’s a travesty that these animals must be bred specifically…
[ SEAN’s voice fades out as once again, TRACY begins to daydream. A thought bubble appears above his head, containing the same rabbit doing the quiz ]
Rabbit: [ with CHRIS KATTAN’s voice, only higher ] I’m good at taking tests, but you aren’t, are you Brian Fellow? Remember what the teacher would say? You’re a dummy, Brian Fellow!
Brian Fellow: Hey!
Pat Enstance: What’s wrong?
Brian Fellow: That rabbit insulted me!
[ SEAN looks around ]
Pat Enstance: What rabbit?
Brian Fellow: Can you teach your mink to kill a rabbit?
Pat Enstance: [ very confused ] Are you talking to me still?
Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow! That’s all the time we have for today on ‘Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet’. Join me next time when we gonna meet animals that can be wallets or shoes. I’m Brian Fellow!
[ theme music starts up again, with the title appearing on screen. In the background, SEAN looks around, confused, and TRACY edges away from the mink cage. ]
Island Man #1…..Jimmy Fallon Island Man #2…..Jerry Minor Island Man #3…..Charlie Sheen Trailer Father…..Darrell Hammond Trailer Mother…..Ana Gasteyer Trailer Daughters…..Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch Trailer Son…..Chris Kattan Suspected Cannibals…..Horatio Sanz, Chris Parnell Cannibal…..Will Ferrell
[ shows a lush tropical island ]
Announcer: Coming soon to FOX: Alone on a tropical island, Five lucky men, with ten available women. [ five guys on island are seen with ten women in bikinis, who service the men ]
Island Man #1: It’s a dream come true.
Announcer: Can they handle it? Ten beautiful women. And one of them has a venereal disease.
Island Man #1: This is gonna be awesome!
Announcer: Who will be the first to get it?
Island Man #3: [ confidently ] Believe me. I will get it.
Announcer: Welcome to “Herpes Island”, where venereal disease is the name of the game. “Herpes Island”. Catch it!
Also coming to FOX: [ shows family in trailer ] One family. Alone. In one trailer. For ten weeks.
Trailer Father: [ smoking a cigarette ] Ten weeks is a long time.
[ Trailer Mother is seen seducing son in bedroom ]
Announcer: Who will escape the incest in.. “Temptation Trailer”? [ the rest of family looks on, bored ] “Temptation Trailer”. Ten weeks is a long time.
On FOX, also: Keep an eye out for.. “The Cannibal”. [ some men are seen, locked in a cabin, as they look scared ] Eight men, locked in a cabin for one year with no food. Which one is.. “The Cannibal”?
[ Cannibal is seen chewing on some guy’s arm ]
Cannibal: [ sheepishly ] It’s me. [ continues chewing on arm ]
Announcer: [ embarrassed] Oh boy. That one’s got problems.
That’s three brand new shows to watch out for on FOX.
Spokesman…..Chris Parnell Classical Music Singers…..Ana Gasteyer, Horatio Sanz, Will Ferrell, Maya Rudolph
Spokesman: Music’s greatest classical masterpieces are a treasure. Isn’t it a shame you can’t sing along with them? Well, now you can. Because Classical Music Classics has gathered all the greatest classical compositions of all time, and made them even better with the addition of random lyrics.
Classical Music Singers: “Hey, man, I think you’re awesome You’re relaly, really awesome You’re awesome We should ha-ang out!”
Spokesman: That was that the Primaveri passage of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons, now known as “The Awesome Song”. At last, the lushness of Vivaldi meets the indescribably wonder of things being awesome! Yes, classical music just got beautifuler, thanks to the wondrous new lyrics of the renowned Teddy Hollimer. This remarkable young man has a hole in his face from huffing paint thinner, and his dad owns our company. That’s why you’ll get classics like this one, from Tchaikovsky.
Classical Music Singers: “Dude, we gots to get sme Taco Bell I’m really jonesing for a Maxi-Melt. Four Chalupas for a dollar-ninety-nine With any soft drink for a limited time!”
Spokesman: Absolutely timeless. It’s just as the great Ludvig von Beetoven said, “Music is never truly music, until somebody mentions Mexican food.” Beetover was truly a master, composing his brilliant 9th despite the fact that he was completely deaf. I’ll bet anything, he loved to masturbate.
Classical Music Singers: “I called in sick to work so I could stay home and stro-oke it. I stroked it so raw it hurts just to put on a pair of pants. Holy crap, someone’s at the door got to eject this porno tape..”
Spokesman: Ahhh.. well, they’re not all good. But they’re all in one wonderful collection. Classics like: Debussy’s “Clair de Lune” (The “Put Your Thumb In It” Song); Mozart’s “Piano Concerto No. 20″ (The Let’s Get The Dog High” Song); Handel’s “Water Music” (“Oh My God! They Killed Kenny!”); Muzorgksy’s “Pictures at na Exhibition” (The “Lyle Alzado Is Awesome” Song); Schubert’s “Ava Maria” (The “Lorena Bobbitt Rap”); and that breathtaking master work, Strauss’s “Thus Spake Zarathrusta”:
Classical Music Singers: “He Who Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It! Smelt It Dealt It..!”
Spokesman: Ahh.. the world’s greatest music. Made greater by a spoiled drug addict. Order now!
Announcer: Classical Music Classics. Just $19.99, plus shipping and handling.
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Kid From “Billy Elliot”…..Sean Hayes
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.
The Pentagon announced yesterday that U.S. and British planes have struck Iraqi defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say that President Bush wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government, that he knows exactly where Iraq is.
New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani is once again expressing outrage at an art exhibit, this time at a painting in which Jesus is depicted as a naked woman. Said the mayor, “This trash is not the sort of thing I want to look at when I go to the museum with my mistress.”
Sesame Street Workshop announced this week that they are laying off 60 workers. At a brief press conference, a spokesman for the company stated, “Sixty! 65 workers! Ah ah ah ah! Ah ah ah ah!” News of the firings was brought to the employees by the letters “F” and “U”.
Researchers reported Wednesday that they have developed a self-healing plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The new plastic will change the way airplanes are built, and the way medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
Earlier this week, doctors in Taiwan were called in to remove a Nokia cellphone from a woman’s rectum. Don’t you hate those a-holes who are always on the cellphone? Everytime the phone rings, she blames it on the dog! Quick review of the new Nokia cellphone – it stinks!
Rapper Eminem pled guilty in a Michigan court this week to weapons charges, and could get up to five years in prison. Meaning that the next time Eminem raps about homosexuality, he’ll be able to reference specific names and experiences.
Jimmy Fallon: And now, a Weekend Update Inside Joke. Hey, did you hear what Beth got Phil Hymes for his birthday? A bib to wear on Coffee Cake Fridays! Right, Wally? [ laughs ] This has been a Weekend Update Inside Joke.
The California district attorney who brought child molestation charges against Michael Jackson in 1993 said the case can be reopened at any time. Prosecutors are still confident that they can convict Jackson, since the child described his assailant as “a noseless, white woman.”
Jimmy Fallon: Now, here to comment on this year’s Academy Award nominations, is the Kid From “Billy Elliot”.
Kid From “Billy Elliot”: Thank you, Jimmy! Well, this week the Oscar nominations came out, and I think they’re all a lot of crap! I didn’t get nominated for Best Actor, even though I danced ballet thoughout my whole film! I’d like to see Russell Crowe dance ballet! That fat kiwi. And Tom Hanks! That bastard needs another Oscar like I need another phone call from Elton John! And how about some of those other jokers, huh? Ed Harris in “Pollock”? No one saw Pollack! Ed Harris didn’t even see “Pollack”! And Geoffrey Rush and Javier Bardem! Forgive me, I didn’t see your movie! I was too tied up in my 14 months of intensive ballet and acting training! I worked with a different dialect coach for six months, just to have the Academy snub me! Oh, they make me so mad, I could just.. I could.. [ starts beating on desk ]
[ Music Over: “A Town Called Malice”, The Jam ]
Jimmy Fallon: Dance! Dance, Billy! The Kid From Billy Elliot! Dance! Dance! Dance, my boy! Dance, my boy! Dance! Go get ’em!
[ “Billy” dances off the set ]
Tina Fey: “The Kid From Billy Elliot”. Uh.. we thank you for joining us, and sharing your feelings. Thank you, “Kid From Billy Elliot”..
Jimmy Fallon: [ grabs paper ] Wait a sec, Tina, hold on.. this just in. The Boy From Billy Elliot is still mad.
[ show “The Kid From Billy Elliot” dancing angrily through the back halls of the studio ]
[ punches Chris Kattan and Maya Rudolph in the face ]
Maya Rudolph: Dance, Billy!
Chris Kattan: Dance!
[ Billy dances through other parts of the hall ]
Kid From “Billy Elliot”: I hate you, America! I hope you have the most boring actors EVER!!
[ dances through set of hall doors ]
Jimmy Fallon: Kid From “Billy Elliot”, everyone! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Denise Rich…..Ana Gasteyer Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan Arlen Specter…..Chris Parnell
Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”. I’m Chris Matthews. A nuclear submarine slices through a Japanese fishing boat like cream corn trough a goose. Bush orders allied planes to give Baghdad a beat-down. I’m gonna tell you what, no one gives a flying frig! ‘Cause when you get right down to it, the Clinton scandal machine keeps running along, next stop, Harlem, and it wouldn’t matter if Bush did a line of coke along the Loch Ness monster’s ass! We’d all still be talking about what Clinton thought of “The Wedding Planner”. Morons, you’re all morons! With me today, the current belle of the post-Clinton epoch, Denise Rich.
Denise Rich: Hello, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Also joining us from Washington, former Clinton advisor Paul Begala.
Paul Begala: Thanks for having me…
Chris Matthews: Zip it, Begala! It’s not Equal Time, it’s Hardball! Miss Rich, we’re gonna start with you. Did you and your husband, Marc Rich, pay off the Clintons in exchange for a presidential pardon or what?
Denise Rich: Chris, as I have stated, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights concerning all questions on this matter.
Chris Matthews: Come on, lady! Fifth Amendment? That’s just rich people talk for “I’m guilty”. It’s not gonna fool anyone here at “Hardball”.
Denise Rich: Chris, the only things we have given to the Clintons are love and support, a saxophone, and millions of dollars. Is that a big deal?
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it? Denise Rich insists she didn’t break the rules, but more importantly, shouldn’t someone who wears that much makeup be a better liar?
Paul Begala: Absolutely, Chris. There’s no story here.
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: The Bush administration…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …is simply substituting an…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: ..anti-Clinton witch hunt…
Chris Matthews: Yeah.
Paul Begala: …for their actual agenda.
Chris Matthews: Blah, blah, blah, you’re done! You’re boring and you look like a fetus! Joining us now from Pennsylvania is Senator Arlen Specter. Senator, you recently suggested impeaching President Clinton; isn’t that a little extreme?
Arlen Specter: I didn’t say we should impeach Mr. Clinton. The Constitution gives us a number of options: We could impeach him, he could be censored – uh, censured, or according to Article Three, we could also tie his hands behind his back and have Roger Clemens fire a fastball at his face.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, what about it, should the U.S. government hire major leaguers to whip baseballs at the ex-president? And please, phrase your answer in the form of a shout.
Paul Begala: President Clinton has done nothing wrong, and I fail to see why…
Chris Matthews: (makes snoring noises) Specter, wake up! Shouldn’t Clinton’s punishment fit his crime?
Arlen Specter: Uh, again, at this point, I merely want to our investigate legal options. For instancee, under the Articles of Confederation, we may have the authority to take President Clinton to a deserted island and hunt him for sport. If he survives, he’s acquitted. If we bag him, we get to cook him in a large pot and eat him. Now. I’m not saying we’re going to do this. I’m just saying, Strom Thurmond has an island.
Chris Matthews: Denise Rich, the next question’s for you: exactly how much money does it cost to look that cheap?
Denise Rich: Once again, I invoke my Fifth Amendment rights.
Chris Matthews: Paul Begala, you chesire cat-faced cretin, should Clinton be hunted like a dog on Strom Thurmond’s island or what?
Paul Begala: Chris, you really don’t expect me to answer that.
Chris Matthews: You’re a virgin, aren’t you, Begala? Come on.
Paul Begala: That’s really none of your business.
Arlen Specter: Can I say something here, Chris? Scottish common law says that we have the option to shrink President Clinton to the size of a field mouse and then force him to fight spiders for our amusement. Are we going to do this? Probably. All I’m saying, Strom Thurmond has a shrinking ray.
Chris Matthews: Ho-ho! Now we’re playing some freakin’ Hardball! I wanna thank my guests. Denise Rich, anything left to say?
Denise Rich: I must invoke my Fifth Amendment…
Chris Matthews: Boo! Senator Specter, good luck eating the President.
Arlen Specter: Or shrinking him, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Okay, right. Paul Begala, once again, I tore you a new one. Let’s check the scoreboard: Matthews 17, Begala 2! Stick around, I’m going outside to shout at cars! You’re watching “Hardball”!
(Fade in from commercial bumper to Tom standing on home base by a grandfather clock)
Tom: (to somebody off camera) Probably. Oh are we on the air? Right now?
(cues SNL Band to start playing a tune similar to “Rock Around the Clock”)
(a lighted sign that says ROCK drops from the ceiling)
Tom: (singing) “Oh when the clock strikes one, two, and three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.”
(Will Ferell enters and sings along)
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight We’re gonna rock rock rock till broad daylight We’re gonna rock gonna rock around the clock (tonight) the clock
Oh the clock strikes four, five, and seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen.”
(they start circling the clock)
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna rock around the clock tonight We’re gonna rock gonna rock around the clock tonight.”
Tom: Everyone stand up!!!
(JUMP sign comes down)
Tom & Will: (still singing) “We’re gonna jump, jump, jump!”
Tom: Everybody jump!!!
Tom & Will: “We’re gonna jump jump jump around the clock Gonna jump, jump, jump, jumpy jump around the clock tonight Jump, Jump.”
(Tom falls onto the clock)
Will Ferrell: “Jump and rock and jump!!!”
(Tom starts destroying the clock)
Will Ferrell: “And jump and rock and rock and jump.”
