Joan Rivers…..Ana Gasteyer Farrah Fawcett…..Chris Kattan Pooja Baranji…..Rachel Dratch Anna Nicole Smith…..Molly Shannon Gayle King…..Maya Rudolph Chyna…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: In the past three years, Eve Ensler’s hit play, “The Vagina Monologues”, has been performed all over the world by a rotating cast of hundreds of actresses, raising more than two million dollars for women’s charities. Now you can enjoy a show that’s kind of like that.
[ show’s title appears on screen ]
“Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas”. Performed by a collection of the most talented women never asked to do “The Vagina Monologues”. You’ll see Joan Rivers.
Joan Rivers: Owww! My vagina! The last time I went near my vagina, bats flew out! Can we talk? My vagina is so old, I could file it for a special at the gynecologist! Owww! Vaginas! Owww!
Announcer: “Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas” was not written by Eve Ensler. It is not for charity. These are just some ladies talking about their g-g’s to make a little cash.
Stars like Farrah Fawcett.
Farrah Fawcett: [ confused ] Y’all, my vagina.. what? [ looks off, then looks at heself, shocked ] My vagina is on medication.
Announcer: Indian film star Pooja Baranji.
Pooja Baranji: [ banging drum ] Green bajina, blue bajina, yellow bajina, purple bajina, ayyy-ayyy-ayyy-ayyy-ayy-ayyyyyi!
Announcer: You’ll see Anna Nicole Smith.
Anna Nicole Smith: I love my vagina, y’all, ’cause my vagina makes money, y’all! You know it! [ giggles ] It makes money!
[ SUPER: “NOT The Vagina Molologues” ]
Announcer: Once again, this is not Eve Ensler’s writing. This isn’t women’s libber stuff. Just world famous ladies talking about their genitals.
Including a very, very special appearance by Oprah Winfrey…’s friend Gayle.
Gayle King: Oprah’s vagina is a beautiful tiger lily. Oprah’s vagina is an inspiration to other vaginas. I have never seen it, but I imagine that it looks like sweet potato pie, and the future.
Announcer: And, World Wrestling Federation star Chyna.
Chyna: My vagina is powerful. My vagina gives me confidence when I feel it bunched up between my legs. I love my long, bony vagina.
[ other women look at Chyna strangely ]
Announcer: Look out, “Vagina Monologues”. There’s a new game in town. “Talkin’ ‘Bout ‘Ginas”. Hundreds of thousands of tickets still available.
Sean Hayes: Thank you! Thank you very much! That’s very nice of you. Show’s over – thank you!
Uh.. I’m so excited to be hosting “Saturday Night Live”. It’s been a dream of mine, since I was, like, 12. And that’s when I first thought about what I would do when I finally got out here – which is, play the piano. Now, some of you may not know that I am a classically trained pianist. So I thought I’d like to perform a piece that’s probably very familair to a lot of you. I played it at my 7th grade recital, which I won a blue ribbon for. Thank you! So.. here goes.
[ sits at piano, starts to play what appears to be “Beetoven’s Fifth” ]
[ SNL Band breaks in to shift the music to Walter Murphy’s disco classic “A Fifth of Beetoven”; Sean stands up and boogies, alternating between finishing his piece and mingling with the audience. ]
[ Sean jumps on top of the piano and spins around ]
[ Sean shaves himself with an electric razor ]
[ Sean holds up a solved Rubik’s Cube ]
[ Sean signs autograph and poses with Fan ]
[ cell phone rings; Sean answers ]
Hello? Oh, hi! no, I’m not busy. Yeah, I’m just doing “Saturdy Night Live”. No, no, it’s live. Yeah, I’m on right now. No, turn on your TV. Yeah. No, no, Channel 4. Yeah, that’s me! Hey, yeah! Alright, you seeing it? Yeah, okay, great! Okay. Okay. Alright. Okay. Okee-doke. Okay. Alright. Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Yeah, I gotta go. Okay, bye bye.
[ finishes playing “A Fifth of Beetoven” on the piano ]
Thank you! We have a great show for you tonight – Shaggy is in the house, so stick around, we’ll be right back!
[Opens with an up-close shot of the back of a jacket. It says: “Jerry Maguire II. Show me the sequel”. It’s the back of director Cameron Crowe’s jacket on set with Tom And Renee]
Cameron Crowe: Great to have everybody back. We’ve been talking about making this sequel to “Jerry Macguire” for 5 years now and we’re finally here. So, Tom and Renee, I love you guys.
Renee Zelwegger: I love you too, Cameron.
Tom Cruise: It’s amazing! Such an honor! [smiles, overexcited] Who’s glad we’re working for the Crowbar?!
[applause from the crew]
Cameron Crowe: Thank you, guys. All right, let’s start with scene 21A. Renee, you’re upset cause Jerry’s come home late again and you’re trying to work this out without waking up your little boy.
A.D.: “Jerry Macguire II” Scene 21A, take one. [clack!]
Cameron Crowe:: And action!
[romantic scene plays]
Renee Zelwegger: Ok, wait, wait, ok. I’ve always been afraid to swim but then I met you and since then no matter how deep or rough the water got, I knew that I would reach out for you and you’d pull me to shore. But now Jerry, I feel like I’m drowning in you.
Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.
Cameron Crowe:: That’s your cue, Johnathan! Johnathan?
[Child actor Johnathan Lipnicki is big and fat as hell, has a juice box]
Jonathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of “paginas”?
Tom Cruise: It’s just the kid, um, he’s really grown!
Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, he’s a little bit heavier than I remember. [Johnathan gets off of them] Oh, God. Oh!
Johnathan Lipnicki: My mom says I’m a good eater.
Cameron Crowe:: Ok, let’s go again from Johnathan’s cue right away.
A.D.: Scene 21A, take two. [clack!]
Cameron Crowe:: Action.
Renee Zelwegger: All right, um, but now Jerry I feel like I’m drowning on you.
Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.
Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know the human body has seven holes? [pointing his face] One, two, three, four…
Cameron Crowe:: Ok, that’s not your line, Johnathan.
Johnathan Lipnicki: Unless you’re a lady, then you have eight.
Cameron Crowe:: Ok, just say your line again. You ok, Tom?
Tom Cruise: Crowbar, you had me at action.
Renee Zelwegger: Oh, good Lord.
Cameron Crowe:: All right, go Johnathan.
Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that babies come out of “paginas”?
Renee Zelwegger: Ray, daddy’s home, daddy’s home.
Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!
[climbs on top of Renee and Tom almost crushing them]
Tom Cruise: Watch it there, Ray.
Renee Zelwegger: [labored from Johnathan’s weight] I want you to know that even if me and Jerry fight, we’ll always be a family and —wait, wait–Oh, god! Get him off me! Get off! Get off! Get him off me!
Cameron Crowe:: What’s up?
Renee Zelwegger: That. [points at Johnathan erection] That is up.
Johnathan Lipnicki: [hiding the boner] My mom says “orections” are as natural as the rainstorms. I’m going through a rainy season. [laughs]
Renee Zelwegger: Ew, ew. That’s, that’s…yuck.
Tom Cruise: Crowbar, can I say one thing? [Johnathan towers over tiny Tom, plays with Tom] I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes here but does it bother you that the kid is a lot taller and bigger than me? L. Ron Hubbard all mighty! This kid is huge!
Cameron Crowe:: Wardrobe![a tired gay guy comes out] Um, is–is there anything we can do to make Johnathan look smaller?
Wardrobe gay guy: Ugh! I’ll try. [Johnathan wants to play, gay guy swats him away, they leave]
Cameron Crowe:: Ok, this is the take you guys. I can feel it.
Renee Zelwegger: Ok, good. Yes, yes, I hope so. [smells her hands] Does he smell like bacon?
Tom Cruise: A little bit.
Cameron Crowe:: From your cue Tom, and action!
Tom Cruise: You had me at swim.
[enters Johnathan with a giant juice box and gigantic glasses on his face]
Johnathan Lipnicki: Did you know that a lady’s booby weighs two pounds?
Renee Zelwegger: Ok, uh, Ray, daddy’s home.
Johnathan Lipnicki: Yay!
[throws on top of Renee and Tom crushing them]
Tom Cruise: All right. Ok, all right. Ok, all right.
Renee Zelwegger: [labored] I want you to know Ray that even if me and Jerry fight, that we’re always gonna love you. [Johnathan snores loud] Aw, he’s asleep.
Tom Cruise: Let’s put him to bed and then I’m gonna complete you.
Renee Zelwegger: Yeah, let’s go upstairs and make a little Jerry Macguire II. Come on.
[Tom and Renee are trapped underneath Johnathan’s weight, he keeps snoring]
Renee Zelwegger: All right.
Tom Cruise: Hey, you know what? [trying to escape the crush]
Renee Zelwegger: Hey, Cameron? [pinned down] This isn’t, this isn’t working.
Tom Cruise: Can we get the jaws of life in here?
Cameron Crowe:: Come on, it’s not that bad.
[Johnathan farts like a mule. Pfffffffffffffffffttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!]
Tom Cruise: All right! That’s a wrap! That’s a wrap!
Customer #1: Hi, excuse me, do you guys carry any Diesel brand jeans?
Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Ah, yeah.. we also carry Hootie and the Blowfish albums. Shall I wrap one up in a backwards baseball cap for you with a tape of the “Cheers” finale?
Clerk #1: Or you can try them in that time machine over there. Why don’t you set it for 1994?
Customer #1: Come on man – Diesel’s hip.
Clerk #1: Yeah – a hip that should be replaced. Let me guess: you wear Quicksilver swimming trunks.
Customer #1: Yeah, I do. What.. they’re cool.
Clerk #2: Yeah. Look, we don’t carry Diesel. We work at Jeffrey’s. We read Italian Vogue. It’s our deal. I don’t come to where you work and knock the corndog out of your hand.
Customer #1: Wait.. what? What does that mean?
Clerk #1: What it means is, we want you to be outside of our little invisa square. [ does shape of a square around themsleves ]
Customer #1: Okay, fine. Thank you very much.
[ Customer #2 enters ]
Customer #2: Hi, um.. I’m looking for a sweater for my boyfriend.
Clerk #2: [ sighs ] Really. Well, if you want it to match your outfit, then I suggest you try a Hallmark store.
Clerk #1: That way you can pick up that “Hang In There” poster you’ve been dying to get.
Clerk #2: Air five!
Customer #2: What are you talking about? I just said that I’m willing to spend $300 on a sweater.
Clerk #1: $300? Wow, so your check came in from being on Springer.
Customer #2: Very funny. I’ll go somewhere else then.
Clerk #2: You could drop five.
Customer #2: What? That is so rude of you!
Clerk #1: What’s rude is that Jean Nate’ body splash you are trying to pass off as perfume.
Customer #2: I am not wearing Geana Tai. Okay?
Clerk #1: Look, this isn’t Pack and Save. This is Jefferey’s.
Clerk #2: We don’t have a sweater for your boyfriend unless he’s dating you as some of some art peformance project, or something.
Clerk #1: Yeah, why don’t you go back to Kansas, fry some bologna, and adjust the cinderblocks on your house. Okay?
Clerk #2: Okay?
Clerk #1: Now, shoo!
Clerk #2: Shoo!
[ Burly Customer enters ]
Clerk #1: Ugh.. too bad they don’t have personal velvet ropes that you can put or wrap around yourself.
Clerk #2: Seriously.
Burly Customer: Hey, could you help me?
Clerk #1: [ sighs ] No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: Come on, I was just looking for, like..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But, I just..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But I..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: But..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No.
Burly Customer: Bu-..
Clerk #1: No.
Clerk #2: No. Look, we work at Jeffrey’s. I have Morrocan dental floss that’s more expensive then your entire wardrobe.
Burly Customer: What? This is a genuine leather Looney Tunes jacket!
Clerk #1: Hmm. I didn’t know Joey Buttafuaco had a garage sale. You might want to check back at Christmastime, when we donate clothes to the homeless.
Clerk #2: See you then.
Burly Customer: Well, maybe I’ll donate an insult to you bad dudes.
Clerk #1: Yeah, I’m sure that’s a devastating comeback in the break room at Circuit City.
Clerk #2: And I’m sure you got a meetball sub or something to finish in your El Camino.
Burly Customer: For your informacion, guy, I have a half-eaten taco in my Turcele. So held ya! [ exits ]
Clerk #1: It has been a nightmare today!
Clerk #2: Thank you!
Clerk #1: They should have never have added that door! The store was so much clearer when it had no entrance.
Clerk #2: I wish people could be more like clothes.
[ Supervisor enters on a motorized wheelchair ]
Supervisor: Okay, you guys.. [ cell phone rings; he pulls out a tiny cell phone ] Hold on. Hello? Yes. Really. Splendid. [ hangs up ] We’re going to the Dolce & Gabbana show. How fast can you have your bags packed for Milan?
Clerk #2: I got my Jack Spade bag packed already!
Clerk #1: My Paul Smith tote’s saying au revior.
Supervisor: More than perfect. Allows us to engage the Concord then.
Clerk #2: I wish they had something higher then first class.
Natalie Grossbeak…..Ana Gasteyer Mike DeFranco…..Chris Kattan Pete Simmons…..Sean Hayes Paramedic #1…..Chris Parnell Paramedic #2…..Jerry Minor Clown #1…..Will Ferrell Clown #2…..Horatio Sanz
Natalie Grossbeak: Good morning, it’s 8:28 on this Monday morning. Coming up in the next half-hour, we’ve got more on the Governor’s proposed tax on Asian folks.
Mike DeFranco: And all the latest on the Ivan Lendl/Bob Denver sex scandal.
Natalie Grossbeak: Now, let’s take a look at the traffic situation for you morning commuters.
Mike DeFranco: We have word there’s an accident on the 495. On the scene is our own Pete Simmons. Pete, how’s that accident looking?
[ cut to Pete Simmons, on the scene ]
Pete Simmons: Abaolute chaos. The four northbound lanes of 495 are blocked – they expect the rubbernecking to go the other way. DMTs are on their way to the scene, where apparently a tractor-trailer collided with a clown car. Expect delays of at least an hour. Back to you.
Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete, we’ll be checking back in with.. what kind of car?
Pete Simmons: It’s a clown car, Natalie, and there are heavy casualties.
[ camera pans to show the orange overturned clown car, with numerous clowns lying on the ground ]
Natalie Grossbeak: Okay, Pete, let’s stay with this story.. any idea how many are injured at the scene?
Pete Simmons: Well, a good seven or eight clowns were thrown clear of this wrecker.. but it is a clown car! So there’s no telling just how many of those goofy bastards are trapped inside!
Clown #1: [ screaming ] He-elp! I can’t feel my leg!
Mike DeFranco: Dear God! What was a clown car doing on the freeway?
Pete Simmons: Being hilarious! But seriously, Mike – they were doing about 85 miles per hour in the right lane when.. wait a minute! The ambulances and rescue teams have arrived! It looks like they’ve pulled 19 clowns from the wreckage.. no! 20! 21 clowns. Let’s hope they can move quickly – 22.. 23 clowns.. How do they all fit in that little car! We may never know!
Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, any word yet whether any of those in the car were sad clowns?
Pete Simmons: I’m gonna have to be honest with you, Natalie, right now they’re all pretty much sad clowns.
Natalie Grossbeak: Point taken. Point taken.
Pete Simmons: Uh-oh, Natalie.. it seems there are complications with the rescue efforts.. yes.. yes.. the rescue workers are, in fact, laughing hysterically.
[ show clowns making rescue workers laugh ]
Mike DeFranco: Pete, how can anyone be laughing in this sort of a situation?
Pete Simmons: Well, Mike, even a burnt clown is pretty damn funny. And it certainly doesn’t help that the truck they slammed into was carrying a shipment of Big Mouth Billy Basses. [ camera shows the singing fishes in the street ]
Mike DeFranco: [ laughs ] No, it doesn’t help!
Natalie Grossbeak: If you’re just joining us, a tiny car packed with clowns has viciously collided with a truckful of singing mechanical fish.
Mike DeFranco: An all-too-familiar story. More on that as it develops. Next up: Ivan Lendl and Bob Denver are..
Natalie Grossbeak: I’m sorry, Mike.. I’m getting word there are breaking developments in the clown accident. Pete, what’s going on out there?
Mike DeFranco: I trust it’s good news!
Pete Simmons: You’d think, Mike, it would be, but it’s not. Just a moment ago, another vehicle jumped the median and plowed into the wreck. I think the other vehicle was.. yes.. it’s a busload of prison inmates.
[ inamtes rush into the scene ]
Natalie Grossbeak: Pete, are the inmates helping the situation?
Pete Simmons: Uh, no, they’re not, Natalie. In fact, I don’t think you want to know what they’re doing to those clowns.
Mike DeFranco: Helping them?
Pete Simmons: Uh, I already said no, Mike.. uh.. no, not at all. In fact, it’s clear these inmates haven’t seen women in a long time. And, while these burnt clowns are male, there’s a lot of bright clothing and make-up involved, so you can pretty much just fill in the blanks there! Back to you, guys.
Natalie Grossbeak: Thanks, Pete. It seems like the situation is stabilizing.
Mike DeFranco: Jury selection continues in the Lendl/Denver trial. As everyone knows, Ivan Lendl amd Bob Denver were secretly videotaped..
Natalie Grossbeak: Sorry, Mike. We’re going back to Pete Simmons with more developments on the accident on 495. Pete?
Pete Simmons: Very quickly. A van blew a tire, spilled a load of guns and PCP all over the accident site. [ camera shows the clowns and inmates running around with guns ] To recap: uh.. prisoners, clowns, guns, narcotics, burning gasoline, singing fish. Gonna be at least a 45-minute wait for you commuters. Back to you in the newsroom.
Mike DeFranco: Thank you, Pete.
Natalie Grossbeak: And we have to take a commercial break. When we come back, we’ll take you live to the 10th Annual Fun Run for Breast Cancer, where the winners are approaching the finish line, right there on.. uh.. 495..
[ show the women racers colliding with gun-toting criminals and clowns ]
Adrian Dante…..Sean Hayes Sally O’Malley…..Moly Shannon
[ Outside shot of a one story building in New York City. The caption at the bottom reads: Fashion Week 2001 New York City. CUT TO: Inside, where two models are posing in beige outfits on a catwalk, in front of a sign that reads: Adrian Dante. SEAN rides in between the two women on a scooter. He is wearing a baret, a blond wig, a brown scarf, a green and brown sweater, and matching brown pants. The models step aside to let him pass. He rides to the end of the catwalk and lets his scooter fly off the end. People are gathered around the stage, some taking pictures. Runway music is playing. ]
Adrian Dante: [ speaking with a German accent ] Who is Adrian Dante? Dante…Dante…In my collection tonight, I’ve try to combine the movement and fire of a Jackson Pollock painting with the warmth and curvature of Arohaho. May these designs touch you as much as I touch myself. Because that indeed would be one lucky collection. Love Adrian Dante. [ blows kiss ] Whoops, that’s for me. [ ‘grabs’ kiss back ]
[ SEAN walks out stage left very oddly as the music starts up and the lights dim. The two models leave with him and another more enters stage right in a similar beige outfit. She walks the catwalk, then turns and exits stage left. As she does, another model enters in a beige outfit, does the same routine, and exits. Now MOLLY SHANNON as Sally O’Malley enters. She’s wearing a red stretch top and pants, sneakers, and has on a curly dark brown wig. She looks at the audience as she tugs on her pants. SEAN enters stage left, hands on hips. ]
Adrian Dante: Who are you and why are you hijacking my show?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m fifty years old, I’m not one of those gals who likes to hide her age. And I like to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Fifty years old, ladies and gentlemen, fifty years old! Fifty years old!
Adrian Dante: I’m sorry, I thought this was the Adrian Dante show, not “The Price is Right”.
Sally O’Malley: If you shut that little fly catcher of yours, I’ll tell you why I’m here.
Adrian Dante: And I’ll tell you five reasons why you shouldn’t be here: chin, boobs, hips, hair, and can.
[ flashbulbs start going off ]
Adrian Dante: [ stepping in front of MOLLY with his arms out ] Please do not take pictures of her, this is not part of my collection.
Sally O’Malley: Ah, put your arms down. [ pushes SEAN’s arms down and moves him out of the way ] Now listen here, I’m here to take back the runway for all the regular gals out there. All right? So watch out you guys, ’cause here comes the house of O’Malley.
Adrian Dante: Oh, dear sweet Budda.
[ MOLLY starts to walk down the catwalk as the music picks up faintly in the background ]
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, this one I like to call the ‘Easy Rider’. [ makes riding motions with her hands ] You slip it on Monday and ride it ’til the end of the week thanks to a touch of Febreeze. [ There is a shot of SEAN’s face, looking ticked off. MOLLY pulls up her pants again, looks back at SEAN, then looks like she’s about to laugh ]
Adrian Dante: Why am I being haunted by the ghost of Lee Mary Wether?
Sally O’Malley: And my favourite feature is the panty panel… [ indicates to her panty line ] …that let you get to the basement without going through the front door. All this in an attractive two-piece that allows me to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Half a century, soldiers, half a century!
[ SEAN walks up to her ]
Adrian Dante: I should-
[ stops because of applause ]
Sally O’Malley: Fifty years old. [ holds up hands, the right one in the shape of a zero, and the left one wide open, representing five ]
Adrian Dante: I should call security, but you are so mother-humping odd I can’t keep my eyes off you.
Sally O’Malley: Maybe that’s because I’m a choo-choo Charlie and a [ turns in a circle ] class act.
Adrian Dante: You’re either mentally ill or you’re going to make a big splash in the fashion industry. I am curious to know whether you can gallop with my thoroughbreads.
Sally O’Malley: I was born to strut, Dante.
Adrian Dante: Well, I’ll give you one shot, let’s see if your cat can still walk.
Sally O’Malley: I’ll show you that.
[ MOLLY runs backstage and SEAN addresses the audience ]
Adrian Dante: And now back to the all new world of Spring and Summer with Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante.
[ SEAN exits stage left and the music picks up and the lights dim. Two models in beige outfits walk out and pose at the end of the catwalk, followed by MOLLY. They have the name Adrian on their butts. MOLLY walks between the two and poses at the end. ]
Sally O’Malley: This little lovely number features a lovely little camel toe. [ pulls up pants ]
[ SEAN enters from off stage ]
Sally O’Malley: Easy riding. Easy ride.
[ SEAN claps his hands ]
Adrian Dante: Bravo, bravo.
Sally O’Malley: Camel toe, hike the pants up. Comfortable fit, for stretching. [ MOLLY raises her right leg and puts her foot on a man in the audience’s head to stretch ] Stretching, stretching… [ MOLLY bends over, using the man’s head for balance ] …stretching, see the pants fit. It ain’t never hurt nobody. [ rests her foot on another audience member’s head to stretch ] I’ll stretch it there.
Adrian Dante: Bravo, that was just fascinating, but you’re getting geezer dust all over my collection. Please get off my catwalk.
Sally O’Malley: Listen mister, who you callin’ a geezer, huh? I may have a few rings around my trunk, but at least I’m not trying to cover ’em up like you.
Adrian Dante: What’s your point?
Sally O’Malley: My point is I think that you should stop trying to make everyone perfect, especially yourself. And you should start by losing your grandson’s cap there… [ indicates to SEAN’s beret ] …and take it off… [ MOLLY’s takes the hat and tosses it to the audience. It is revealed that SEAN is bald, with a bad combover ] …and let your cueball breathe!
Adrian Dante: My combover!
[ SEAN looks down in embarassment ]
Sally O’Malley: And by the way, you don’t need… [ MOLLY lifts SEAN’s shirt up ] …this little man-girdle either! Take that off!
[ MOLLY removes the girdle and tosses it into the audience ]
Sally O’Malley: Here ya go!
Adrian Dante: I haven’t exhaled in eighteen years! Mama, that felt good!
Sally O’Malley: Let it all hang out, honey! See, how good it feels?
Adrian Dante: I like to scratch! [ scratches ] Belch! [ belches ] And scratch! I’m sixty!
Sally O’Malley: Listen, stick with me Dante! [ a piano starts to play ] We’re gonna knock the fashion world on their bony little butts! ‘Cause we know how to…
[ blue lights come on and music starts, along with the piano ]
Sally O’Malley: [ singing ] Assentuate the positive!
[ Models in versions of MOLLY’s outfit begin to walk out from backstage ]
Both: [ singing ] Illiminate the negative!
Sally O’Malley: Hang on..
Both: To the informative! But don’t mess with Mister in-between!
Sally O’Malley: You gotta spread joy to the maximum.
Both: Bring gloom down to the minimum. Have faith and pandamonium liable to walk upon the sea!
Sally O’Malley: [ speaking ] I’m fifty! [ kicks ]
Adrian Dante: [ speaking ] I’m sixty! [ kicks, then acts as if he pulled something ]
[ The picture of MOLLY smiling and kicking and SEAN in pain freezes and becomes the cover of a Vogue, with the headline: Dante and O’Malley: ‘Geezer Chic’ . ]
Deana Nolan-Gray…..Ana Gasteyer Taylor St. Laroy…..Sean Hayes
[ Sound of Irish music playing. ANA GASTEYER and SEAN are standing in front of a wall lined with rows of different dolls. ANA is wearing a blond wig and a flowery dress and SEAN has on a curly brown haired wig and mustache, and is wearing a blue and green sweater with a pair of khakis and a belt. The logo from The Home Shopping Network appears in the bottom left corner. ]
Deana Nolan-Gray: [ all of what she says sounds overly happy and has an Irish accent ] Hello and welcome to the ‘Hello Dolly’ February extravagenza! [ SEAN waves ] I’m Deana Nolan-Gray and I am pleased as punch to share this hour with legendary doll collecter, Taylor St. Laroy. Taylor, look at you, what a treasure.
Taylor St. Laroy: [ also happy with an Irish accent ] Look at me, look at me.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Look at you. Oh, bless your heart.
Taylor St. Laroy: Well, happy Valentine’s day, Deanna. Did Cupid bring you anything special?
Deana Nolan-Gray: Well he brought you, didn’t he?
Taylor St. Laroy: He certainly did.
[ they laugh ]
Deana Nolan-Gray: You know, I’ll admit, I was kinda holding out for a surprise phone call from my ex-husband, at the very least, some word about my kids. But you take what you can get, and I’ve got Taylor St. Laroy, so count me in, let’s get down to beeswax.
Taylor St. Laroy: Alright, well Dini, Cupid sure must’ve shot me with an arrow, because, boy, am I in love with our collection today.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh!
Taylor St. Laroy: They’re called ‘Fancy Pantsies’ and they’re just gonna charm the pants right off of ya.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Ooo, it sounds x-rated, huh?
Taylor St. Laroy: It’s x-tra cute.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Awwww.
[ SEAN brings doll on from offscreen and puts it in the middle of the table. ]
Deana Nolan-Gray: Uh-oh, Taylor, I spy a little tyke and he’s in a whole messa trouble!
Taylor St. Laroy: Somebody’s full of pee and vinegar. [ indicates to doll ]
Deana Nolan-Gray: Awww.
Taylor St. Laroy: This little monkey got into Mama’s purse and Mama’s not too happy about it. No.
Deana Nolan-Gray: No.
[ Now there is a close up of the doll, a little boy with blond hair and red ‘makeup’ all over his face. An open purse sits between his legs. The caption at the bottom of the screen reads: $129.95, Jist Playin’, Item 6657 ]
Taylor St. Laroy: His name is ‘Jist Playin’ and he is item number 6657. He is at the unbelievable members-only price of $129.95.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you just can’t be furious with this one, ’cause you know he’s a mama’s boy.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah, he really is. Look, he’s just playin’.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, you’re just playin’.
Taylor St. Laroy: Just playin’.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Just playin’. Oh, what a card.
Taylor St. Laroy: That’s all, just playin’. My favourite part of this doll is his horsehair lashes and those molded latex cheeks that you just want to pinch and say, “Mama paid a lot for that Estay Lauder, you little stinker.”
Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhhh. Do you know, he is so lifelike, so lifelike. Hop to on this one, folks.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Hop to.
Taylor St. Laroy: Let me tell you something, Deanna, what’s so great about this doll is that you have a controlled mess here.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah, yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, but unlike real kids, he’s not gonna make it in his pants and then sit on your piano bench.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, gosh.
Taylor St. Laroy: No.
Deana Nolan-Gray: No. I know all about that, you know, if my twins had been even a little bit easier, I probably wouldn’t have run into all that business with the Perkadan. You know?
Taylor St. Laroy: Probably.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yep.
Taylor St. Laroy: Probably, count your blessings.
Deana Nolan-Gray: But Taylor, I’m a little hungry for some lunch. What d’ya say we order some Chinese?
Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!
[ During this time, Jist Playin’ has been put away and now ANA brings a doll in from offscreen. It’s a Chinese girl in a red outfit sitting in a Chinese food takeout box. ]
Taylor St. Laroy: Would ya look at her?
Deana Nolan-Gray: Now this exotic little lady is ‘Chop Suzy’ and she is from the Asian-Ilasian series, designed by Wagner Bernadi, and she is item number 2441, wow.
[ The close up of the doll shows the same type of caption at the bottom of the screen, reading $110.95, Chop Suzy, Item 2441 ]
Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.
Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow. Taylor St. Laroy: Same forwards as backwards.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.
Taylor St. Laroy: Wow.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Wow.
Taylor St. Laroy: You know, Dini, I have been in the Orient myself and it is just mindboggling how the house of Bernadi consistently captures what I’ve always called the Asian attitude.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Or ‘Asiantude’.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yes. Of course, of course, Wagner Bernadi, world-renouned for his superlative thumb design. [ close up of Chop Suzy ‘s thumb ]
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, you just wanna suck that little thumb, I wanna suck that little thumb.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yes.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Ohhh!
Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, me love her long time. Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes, yes. Now-now, ‘Chop Suzy”s hair is triple stappled to her scalp, so she’s not gonna shed.
Taylor St. Laroy: Oh!
Deana Nolan-Gray: That’s good.
Taylor St. Laroy: That’s a bonus.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, and, her neck joint is treated with polyurithane so her joints aren’t gonna get all moldy.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Big problem with neck joints.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yes, big problem.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Very moldy.
Taylor St. Laroy: You know, uh, my neighbour…
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Has a real Asian child.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Oh, is that right?
Taylor St. Laroy: Mm-hm, and, uh, she is always talkin’ about Jack Russel terriers, I just wanna turn the hose on her.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: You know?
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah. Holy geeze, Dini! What happened to that little huggable munchpie?
Deana Nolan-Gray: Well Taylor, I hate to say it, but somebody broke everything!
Taylor St. Laroy: Oh no!
[ During this time, Chop Suzy has been put away and ANA has pulled another doll out, this one a brown-haired pigtailed girl in a full body cast, holding a juice box. The caption reads $45.99, Oopz, Item 78453 ]
Taylor St. Laroy: Dini, this poor little lamby is from the house of Ami Del Ranado and her name is ‘Oopz’.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Now, ‘Oopz’ is second in the ‘Accidental Darlings’ series. You know, Taylor, Ami strives for excellence in the area of dolls in traction, and I think she’s got a winner here.
Taylor St. Laroy: I think so. And isn’t it so true that children are the sweetest when they’re immobilized?
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. ‘Oopz’ is available today for only $45.99. Now ‘Oopz’ comes with her own juice box and straw, cause this little apple dumpling’s gonna be on a liquid diet for quite some time.
Taylor St. Laroy: Yeah.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: And with that straw, you know they’ll be no messy spills.
Deana Nolan-Gray: No.
Taylor St. Laroy: No.
Deana Nolan-Gray: No.
Taylor St. Laroy: Dolls always respect the personal property of others.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yes they do, they do. Y’know, dolls are always there when you need them. On Valentine’s Day I was this close to kicking a blow dryer into the bathtub and I looked up, and I saw all 24 of my dolls on their shelf and they were saying, ‘Don’t do it, Mommy, have a Cullua, and go to bed’. What a comfort, what a comfort.
Taylor St. Laroy: They’re great, good thing you listened.
Deana Nolan-Gray: I did, I did.
Taylor St. Laroy: Don’t get me wrong, I love children, they’re darling, just as long as they follow the rules of my house.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah.
Taylor St. Laroy: The first being keep the g-d playdough away from my Oriental rug, it’s the only object in my home that I actually flew to go pick up.
Deana Nolan-Gray: Yeah. Well stayed tuned this hour for ‘Music Box Showcase’.
Taylor St. Laroy: Oh, quick hello to my neices and nephew, Mackenzie, Caitlin, Laura, Emma, and Parker, hello!
Deana Nolan-Gray: And hi Wayne and Justin, Mama’s gettin’ a pool, so I hope she’ll see you this summer. And we’ll see you tomorrow on ‘Hello, Dolly’.
Taylor St. Laroy: Goodbye!
Deana Nolan-Gray: Goodbye now!
[ Irish theme music picks up and the “Hello Dolly” title appears on screen before the scene fades ]
President George W. Bush: Good evening. When I campaigned to be your president, I promised that, if elected, I would change the tone in Washington; that I would end the usual partisan bickering and reach out to my opponents, often with a helping hand. And lately, it seems to me, that no one has needed a helping hand more than Former President Bill Clinton.
Accordingly, on Friday, February 16th at 12:30 p.m. Eastern time, I ordered a surprise military strike against Iraq in order to move his latest scandals off the front pages. Now, let me make something very clear: there was utterly no legal or military justification for this strike. Many innocent Iraqi civilians were killed or injured, and the men and women of our Armed Forces were needlessly placed in harm’s way. But, if you look at your morning paper, you’ll see that the Mark Rich pardon story is on page 5, which means ex-President Clinton can now get on with his life and enjoy this wonderful three-day weekend.
Now, many in my own party have questioned the wisdom in my actions. Why, they want to know, did I fail to consult with the Joint Chiefs of Staff and instead plan the raid only with James Carville and Geraldo Rivera? And also, they say, Clinton’s scandals are good for our party. To them, I can reply only that were Bill Clinton in my place, he would have done the same. Were he still President, he would have bombed Iraq to get his pardon of Mark Rich out of the news. I did it for him, because he would have done it for him. It’s called bipartisanship.
Finally, to Saddam Hussein, I have just one more thing to say: “Live, from..” ..no, wait. Two more things to say. First, don’t mess with Texas! Second, “Live,..” ..no, wait. Oh, yeah: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
Announcer: And now, the Saturday Night Live preservation Society presents Classic Vaudeville with Charlie and Fleisy.
[ Charlie and Fleisy take the stage ]
Charlie: Hello, Fleisy, how are you?
Fleisy: I’m doing alright!
Charlie: Good. Now, Fleisy, you’re a whore, aren’t you?
Fleisy: Yeah! [ spotlight shines upon her crotch ]
Charlie: Well, I was thinking maybe I’d like to patronize some of the whores who work on your corner.
Fleisy: Well, I gotta warn you, nowadays whores have very peculiar names.
Charlie: Funny names?
Fleisy: Nicknames. Example: on the corner where I work, Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: That’s what I want to find out.
Fleisy: I told you! Who does oral, What uses her hand, I Don’t Know takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Do you know the whore’s name?
Fleisy: Hell, yeah!
Charlie: Well, then, who does oral?
Fleisy: That’s right!
Charlie: The whore that does oral.
Fleisy: Who.
Charlie: I’m asking you.
Fleisy: And I’m telling you.
Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No! What uses her hand.
Charlie: I’m not asking you who uses her hand.
Fleisy: Who does oral.
Charlie: I don’t know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Look, after I get oral, who gets the money?
Fleisy: Every dollar of it.
Charlie: Who does?
Fleisy: That’s right. And why not? The bitch deserves it!
Charlie: Who deserves it?
Fleisy: Naturally.
Charlie: Okay. So Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No, no, no. Who does oral.
Charlie: Naturally?
Fleisy: You got it!
Charlie: So.. Naturally does oral?
Fleisy: No. Who does oral.
Charlie: Look, what’s the name of the whore that does oral?
Fleisy: No, What uses her hand!
Charlie: I don’t know.
Fleisy: She takes it in the kiester.
Charlie: Again, I’m back to the kiester. Okay, when I get oral, who makes me climax?
Fleisy: She’d better!
Charlie: Who’d better?
Fleisy: If she wants to get paid!
Charlie: If who wants to get paid?
Fleisy: That’s right!
Charlie: [ thinking ] Look.. do you have a pimp?
Fleisy: Of course! A fine bunch of whores we’d be without a pimp!
Charlie: The pimp’s name?
Fleisy: Why.
Charlie: I just thought I’d ask you.
Fleisy: And I just thought I’d tell you.
Charlie: Then, tell me who’s the pimp.
Fleisy: No, Who does oral.
Charlie: I don’t know.
Together: She takes it in the kiester!
Charlie: Okay, look. Let’s say I want to have an orgy. Who’s doing oral, what’s using her hand, and I don’t know takes it in the kiester. Now, when it’s all over, why comes in to collect the money.
Fleisy: That’s the first thing you’ve said right!
Charlie: I don’t even know what I’m talking about! And, you know what? I don’t give a damn!
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Bob Barr…..Chris Parnell Paul Begala…..Chris Kattan Christine Whitman…..Ana Gasteyer
Chris Matthews: [ yelling ] Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! The energy crisis rambles on, rolling blackouts, and California gas prices as high as two-forty gallon! Will a solution come from drilling in protected lands! Will it come from alternative energy sources! Or, how about this geniuses – maybe it’ll come from not filling your Chevy Suburban with forty gallons of premium so you can drive to the CBS for a Whitman’s Sampler and a pair of toenail clippers!! You gas-drunk hypocrites! With me today, Republican Congressman of Georgia, Bob Barr.
Bob Barr: Nice to be here, Chris.
Chris Matthews: Also joining us is former Clinton advisor and albino smurf, Paul Begala!
Paul Begala: [ with wide-eyed smile ] Now, Chris, why would you want to insult me right off the..
Chris Matthews: Shut it!! Congressman, why should we open these wildlife reserves to oil drilling! Don’t the cons outweigh the benefits!
Bob Barr: Absolutely not! The Alaskan reserve has enough oil to run this country for six whole months! Now, just imagine – we wouldn’t have to worry about expensive fuel until November 2001.
Chris Matthews: Mrs. Begala?
Paul Begala: Chris, this plan is a short-sighted Republican solution to a very complicated problem. We need price caps on energy, and..
Chris Matthews: Wait a second, wait a second.. you guys hear a pathetic high-pitch squeak like a chihuahua being strangled?
Paul Begala: [ laughing ] Now, Chris, why would I..
Chris Matthews: Whoa, whoa, there it is again! It’s the damndest thing, hope the little guy’s okay! Now, Congressman Barr, shouldn’t we also be looking into alternative energy sources?
Bob Barr: Well, Chris, my fellow Republicans are doing just that. We’re not just interested in Alaskan oil – this country’s lamps were powered by whale oil for years. Why not go back to drilling whales for oil? And I’m sure there’s a way to get oil out of dogs, lions, polar bears – any of those animals that no one really cares about.
Chris Matthews: Senorita Begala?
Paul Begala: [ smiling wiide ] Chris, that is insane! These animals are precious parts of the global ecosystem, and they should be protected and celebrated.
Chris Matthews: [ amazed ] Huh! I’ve gotta say, Begala, that was a smart and incisive answer.
Paul Begala: Well, thank you!
Chris Matthews: In fact, I like it so much, I want to see it again. Can we roll back what Begala just said?
[ in place of Paul Begala’s comment, a video of a chimpanzee wiggling its tongue back and forth is played ]
Paul Begala: Oh, come on!
Chris Matthews: [ laughing ]
Bob Barr: Chris, to finish my earlier point, there are plenty of natural ways to get energy. [ holds up photo ] This is the yellow-shafted flicker. There is only one of these left in the world. We should find it, clip its wings, and make it ride a little bicycle that powers a record player. We’ve had this technology for millions of years – I’ve seen it on “The Flintstones”.
Chris Matthews: Nice work, Barr! That’s exactly the kind of insane rant I expect from guests on “Hardball”! Joining us now, is former governor of New Jersey, Chairman of the Environmental Protection Agency, Christie Whitman!
Christie Whitman: Hello, nice to be here.
Chris Matthews: Ms. Whitman, you’ve been accused of simply following orders from your superiors!
Christie Whitman: Chris, I take offense at that – I am just a mouthpiece for the Bush/Cheney administration. [ holds finger to ear ] Check that? Yes. [ corrects herself ] I am not just a mouthpiece.. I have my.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..own opinions.. and.. am being allowed to express them.
Chris Matthews: Wake up, woman! You had more prestigious status when you were running Jersey! Bob Barr!
Bob Barr: Chris, what Ms. Whitman is being fed by Dick Cheney’s secretary is right. Now, we’re willing to meet Democrats halfway on alternative energy. For example, my research shows that you can get almost two millions BTUs of heat by burning down just one museum. I mean, think about it – they’re called “oil” paintings!
Chris Matthews: [ laughing hysterically ] Boy, that’s nuts! I want to thank my guests today – Bob Barr, final thoughts!
Bob Barr: Chris, the energy crisis is upon us, and no matter what you believe, I think there’s one solution we can all agree on – we have to blow up the Grand Canyon.
Chris Matthews: Barr, you’re my kind of loudmouth – I love you, you’re great! Christie Whitman!
Christie Whitman: Chris, as the Bush administration has stated all along.. [ holds finger to ear ] ..Radio 103 Top 40 Countdown..! I’m sorry.. is there a studio with better reception?
Chris Matthews: Good God! Get out of here, everyone, before she starts giving away tickets to the Supertramp concert! Paul Begala, you pathetic milquetoast, you burnt pumpkin of a man, any last words!
Paul Begala: Chris, I feel like I never got to..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begala: .. voice my opinion..
Chris Matthews: Yeah!
Paul Begala: .. on..
Chris Matthews: You’re done! Go home and tell Santa you want to be a dentist, you freaking elf! [ laughs hysterically ] Stick around, I’m gonna bring out Begala’s kids and shout at them! You’re watching “Hardball!”
