SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Cumberland Farms

Sully…..Jimmy Fallon
Denise…..Rachel Dratch
Eric Pearson…..Conan O’Brien
Frankie…..Horatio Sanz
Donnie Bartalotti…..Ben Affleck

Sully: Alright, hey, what’s up! I’m Pat Sullivan, I’m here with my boy, Tommy, in front of Cumberland Farms. We’re making a video for our Criminal Justice class, to show how frighteningly easy it is for minors to purchase alcohol in the greater Boston area. As I speak, my girl Denise is currently within, attempting to acquire a couple of tall boys. And if she succeeds, mark my words, I will be forced to confiscate the evidence and turn it in to the proper authorities – my mouth! [ Denise walks out of the store ] Hey, any luck?

Denise: Shot down. Apparently, the clerk was able to discern that I am not one Evelyn Chang. [ shows fake ID ]

Sully: Ah, you’re Evelyn Chang to me.

Denise: You are so queer!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out, until interrupted by Eric Pearson ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, freeze! Freeze! You’re under arrest for public display of a boner!

Denise: Oh, my God!

Sully: The answer to our prayers!

Denise: Mr. Eric Pearson! Confirmed hottie, former right wing for the varsity hockey team, and, although he’s 26, no stranger to our high school social circles.

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Hey, Tommy, your fly’s open! [ Tommy’s camera moves down to look ] Ha ha! Sucker!

Sully: Good one, bra! Eric is top-notch people. One time he stole a zamboni and drove it to the prom!

Denise: There’s always a pary at his house, ’cause his dad works nights and his mom’s totally deaf!

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! And, not to brag, but I’m currently AWOL from the Coast Guard!

Sully: He is my idol! Second only to.. [ turns around to show his jersey ] Nomar!

Eric Pearson: Nomar! [ shows his t-shirt ] Nomar, we are praying for your wrist.

Sully: Godspeed. [ they all sign the cross ]

Denise: Yeah! Sully knows the heartbreak of a wrist injury, ’cause we broke up for a week, and he nearly gave himself carpal tunnel!

Sully: Shut up!

Denise: You shut up!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Yeah, yeah! Welcome to tonight’s episode of “Temptation Parking Lot”!

Denise: Oh, my God! Eric, are you going up to Ash’s Hill?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. yeah!

Sully: I’ve got moves on McCubby’s basement.

Eric Pearson: Says who, Smitty?

Denise: Says everybody! Scoop, Sage, Marty, Magoo..

Sully: ..Champy, Murph, Donny Bartalotti..

Eric Pearson: Yeah! Squeezebox said Hodey and Weezer were taking a keg out to Baker Hill!

Sully: No, sir – cancelled to the Storm of the Century!

Denise: Yeah! Hats off to meteorologist Bruce Schwaggler – you are as moron!

Sully: You are!

[ they make out ]

Eric Pearson: Alright, kiddie porn! Take a breather!

Sully: [ serious ] Eric.. will you buy us beer?

Eric Pearson: Ah.. I would if I could, junior, but I had my license permanently revoked ’cause I flipped my 4×4 doing donuts in the police parking lot.

Sully: Was it worth it?

Eric Pearson: Ah, no regrets, bro! The coppers took my car and I fractured my shoulder, but it was wicked pisser!

Denise: [ atop mechanical pony ride ] Alright, tick-tock, boys. Me and my pony here are still sober.

Sully: Alright, Plan B. I’m going in. [ applies fake moustache ] Watch and learn. [ enters store ]

Eric Pearson: [ approaches Denise ] So, uh.. how’s it going, Denise?

Denise: You can call me Zazoo, thank you very much. Zazoo!

Eric Pearson: You, uh.. you lost weight, but not in your boobs.

Denise: Oh, my God! Don’t start with me, Pearson, alright? Last time you sweet-talked me, I ended up with a broken heart and a bag full of poison ivy!

Eric Pearson: [ laughs ] You loved it!

Denise: And don’t ever tell Sully we did it, either. He thinks he’s my third. Ah, that’s totally off the record, Tommy. [ Tommy nods with camera ]

Eric Pearson: Ah, it never would have worked out between you and me. You’re just a kid, and I gotta focus on my landscaping career. Yeah, you’re better off with Sully.

Denise: Oh, I’m well aware. Believe me, alright? I mean, Sully may lack book smarts, street smarts, and basic emotional intelligence, but you know what? So don’t I.

Sully: [ exits store carrying a case of beer ] Jackpot! A moustache and a British accent works every time!

Eric Pearson: Hey, uh, can you guys give me a ride up to Ash’s Hill?

Sully: Yeah, no problem. Donny and Frank are gonna pick us up any minute..

[ Frank wheels up with Donny on the handlebars ]

Donny Bartalotti: What’s up, suckers! Who wants to party with big, bad Donny Bartalotti?!!

Sully: Hey, Frank! Frank, where’s your car?

Frank: It’s at the bottom of the reservoir.

Sully: Still?

Donny Bartalotti: No! Again!

Frank: Ah, come on, Frank!

Donny Bartalotti: Come on! Get on!

Denise: Seriously? Alright.. [ sits on Frank’s handlebars ]

Frank: Yeah, I’ll take you all! I’m strong like a animal!

Donny Bartalotti: Yo, guys! I got a ball of Pink Schnapps.. I got some rubber cement in here.. and a whole gallon of paint thinner! We partyin’ tonight!

[ everyone cheers and screams, as Frank wheels them all away on his bicycle ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Goodnights

…..Conan O’Brien

Conan O’Brien: That was amazingly fun, everyone should get to do that. My thanks to: Don Henley, Ben Affleck, Max Weinberg, Becky Weinberg, the amazing cast and crew, Lorne Michaels. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

Cribs

Robert Downey, Jr…..Chris Kattan

Announcer: Welcome to antoher installment of M-TV Cribs, where the biggest celebrities take us on a tour of their homes. This week: Robert Downey, Jr.

[ show Robert Downey, Jr. standing in a jail cell ]

Robert Downey, Jr.: Bed. Toilet. That’s pretty much it.

Announcer: That’ll do it for this week’s episode of M-TV Cribs. Tune in next time when we check out the drummer from Marue Towsboat. We out, Joe!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

Taint-less Ted

Ted Brown….Horatio Sanz
Doctor….Conan O’Brien
Nurse….Ana Gasteyer
Mrs. Brown….Rachel Dratch
Freddie Gannon….Will Ferrell
Announcer Gary St. Laurel….Chris Parnell

[Opens with a shot of a house cut to the inside of it. Living room]

Ted Brown: Honey, I’m going to the good McDonalds onBanesville for some fries.

Mrs. Brown: That’s an hour drive. Just go to the oneacross the street.

Ted Brown: No, the one in Banesville is better.

Mrs. Brown: Ok, but remember Bruce Jenner’s in theActor’s Studio in 15 minutes and you’ve been pumped upabout that for like 2 weeks.

Ted Brown: Oh, my God! I almost forgot. Wait. I gotit. If I drive 135 miles an hour I can make it thereand back in 10 minutes.

Mrs. Brown: Honey, that is just a little bit extreme.

Ted Brown: We’re wasting time! I’m going!

[Jumps over table, runs out. Cut to an overview of thehighway and a red car crashing horribly.Shots ofdoctors taking in someone on a gurney, operating room.Dissolves to Ted in a hospital bed]

Nurse: Mr. Brown, Mr. Brown. Can you hear me?

Ted Brown: Where am I?

Nurse: You’re tied to a bed in a shack. We’re weirdhillbilly cannibals and we’re gonna stick things in your butt.

Ted Brown: Aaaaahhh!! No! Help!

Nurse: I’m jokin’, I’m jokin’! It’s an old hospitaljoke. Calm down. You’re in Shelton Memorial.

[Doctor comes in]

Doctor: Hello there, Mr. Ber-an-wa.

Ted Brown: Brown.

Doctor: Yes, Braawn. Yes. Sorry, that’s a very oddname. I see you’ve woken up. Give us a few nurse, would you?

[nurse leaves]

Ted Brown: Doctor, what happened to me?

Doctor: Well, you were in a grisly car wreck, Mr.Berawn. But somehow after 10 hours of surgery, you’re alive.

Ted Brown: Thank you, doctor.

Doctor: Unfortunately, there is some bad news. And Iwant you to brace yourself Mr. Berone. In order tosave your life I was forced to remove your taint.

Ted Brown: What?!

Doctor: You had suffered massive trauma to your taint.We did all we could but in the end we were forced toremove it. Your taint. That is.

Ted Brown: What the hell is a taint?

Doctor: A taint, sir is the area between your rectumand your genitals. It ain’t your “uum” and it ain’tyour “aah”. So it’s a taint.

Ted Brown: Wait a minute. Are you talking about myfleshy fun bridge?

Doctor: You know, I haven’t heard that term since mysecond year of medical school but yes. That’s exactlywhat I’m talking about.

Ted Brown: You bastard!! You butchered me!! Where didyou get your medical degree out of a box of “HillStreet Blues” cereal?

Doctor: Was there a “Hill Street Blues” cereal?

Ted Brown: I’m pretty sure it was.

Doctor: Look Mr. Burnwa…

Ted Brown: It’s brown!!

Doctor: No sir, the taint is flesh colored.

Ted Brown: No, my name is Mr. Brown!

Doctor: Mr. Brawn, I assure you the field of taintprosthetics is advancing at a rapid pace. We can buildyou an artificial taint out of wood and yes, it will be bionic.

Ted Brown: Oh, God!!! I got no taint!!! What good amI?!!How does that song go,[sings]”Riders of the storm,like an actor all alone, some dude without ataint”….oh, man.

Doctor: Yes, we all love the Stones. Now sir, yourwife is outside and she’d like to see you.

Ted Brown: Oh, great.

Doctor: Yes.

Ted Brown: Let her in so she can see her taint lesshusband. ” He can’t work! He lost his taint!”

Doctor: Get a hold of yourself, man! There’s plenty ofjobs you can do without a taint.

Ted Brown: Name one.

Doctor: Well, there’s….I can’t.

[In walks Mrs. Brown with big sleazy guy with aponytail and a moustache]

Mrs. Brown: Ted?

Ted Brown: Don’t look at me!

Mrs. Brown: Ted, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t wait. I’veremarried. This is Freddie Gannon. He’s got a hugetaint!

Freddie Gannon: Real bum break about losing yourtaint. But don’t worry, I gave away your dog and I’msexin’ up your wife Freddie Gannon style. Ever need adiscount on a plastic diver for your fish tank, giveme a jingle.

Mrs. Brown: I’m so sorry.

Doctor: How good a deal you talking on that plastic diver?

Freddie Gannon: 400 clams.

Doctor: Oh, that is sweet! Cannot pass that up!

Ted Brown: I wish I would have died.

Doctor: Hey!, a lot of men and women worked damn hardto save you.[inspirational music plays]You’ve beengiven a gift. The gift of life. Now use it. Become ashinning example for the taint less everywhere. Livefriend and live well.

Ted Brown: Doctor, I’ve been a fool. I’m gonna takeyour gift and use it to become the first taint lessPresident!!

[Raises his fist in the air, freeze frame. Captionsscroll up the screen and announcer reads]

Announcer: And so Ted Braaawn from that day forthnever pitied himself for his lack of a taint again.And even though he didn’t become President, he did goon to become a not so bad guy who mops up at thebank-ident. And through his example, hundreds oftaint-less others have risen to prominence. Peoplelike Roy Smalley[photo of Roy], the guy who says”Let’s get ready to rumble”,[photo of Michael Buffer],Purvis Short[photo of the guy]…excuse me, I misreadthat Purvis Ellison[replaced by another photo], TheJessie White Tumblers[photo of the whole bunch], therobotic owl from “Clash of the Titans”[photo of theowl], Sirhan Sirhan[photo of the guy] and me Gary St.Laurel[photo of Gary in suit and tie]your announcer,that’s right. I bet you had no idea the person readingthis voice over does not have a taint.

Voice of a man: Nah, we knew, we knew.

Announcer: Oh, wow. I think I’m gonna cry. No, I’mnot. Yep, I am.[sobbing cries] Just stop tape. Stop it!

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 4


Search Now:

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

The Buena Vista Social Club

George…..Will Ferrell
Hot Blondie…..Charlize Theron
Old Crooner…..Jerry Minor
Man with Guitar…..Horatio Sanz
Band Leader…..Tracy Morgan
MC…..Chris Parnell

(Opens with the outside of the Brewster Place Country Club building,cut to the inside of it. Stage with an orchestra, tables with people and an MC makes the introductions)

MC: Hello everybody. We have a special surprise performance everyone. You may have seen these talented people in the award winning documentary by Wim Wenders.

Audience: Oooohhh!!

(George and his hot date share a table)

Hot Blondie: Honey, you´re gonna love this! I have the CD.

George: Yeah, I know. I´m totally psyched.

MC: It is my great honor to introduce to you all the way from Cuba. The Buena Vista Social Club!

(MC leaves the stage, audience applauds,Cuban music plays, enters an old black crooner and a man with a guitar)

Man with guitar: We want to make love to you with our musical instruments!

Hot Blondie: Oh, honey. They´re so cute! I wish I understood Spanish.

George: My Spanish is a little rusty but I´ll try to translate.

(both singing)

Old crooner and Man with guitar: La chica que yo amo es una flor muy linda.

George: The girl that he loves is like a beautiful flower.

Old crooner and Man with guitar: Labios como dulce, culito como el diablo.

George: With lips sweet like candy and an ass like the devil.

Old Crooner and Man with guitar: No tengo pantalones besa mi chorizo. No tengo pantalones besa mi chorizo!!

Hot Blondie: What are they saying?

George: I think they said I have no pants and kiss my big sausage.

(song ends, applause)

Man with guitar: Thank you. Thank you.

Old crooner: I hope the last song made all the ladies in the audience wet!

George: What?!

Band leader: What he means to say is he wants the song to bring tear to your eye.

(New song begins)

Old crooner: Oye, amigo. Como estas?

George: Hello, friend. How are you?

Man with guitar: Bien, pero calentoso como siempre.

George: Good but horny as always.

Old crooner: Ves a esa chica aqui. (points to hot Blondie)

George: Do you see the girl I´m pointing at?

Man with guitar: Si, te apuesto que la podemos coger en un triangulo sexual.

Old crooner: Si, si ese pendejo con la corbata roja se fuera.

George: I bet we could double team her if we can get rid of the dumb ass in the red tie. Hey! I´m the only dumb ass here with a red tie!

Hot Blondie: Sshhhh! George, calm down.

George: They´re singing about doing it with you!

Hot Blondie: What? Look at them, they´re harmless! The music´s sensual, right? That´s the Cuban music. That´s why I love the CD so much!

(Song ends, applause, old crooner gets down to the audience)

Man with guitar: Thank you, thank you.

Band leader: OK, everybody. At this time we would like to invite some lucky lady up to come and join us for a special dance called the Lambada Dance.

(Old crooner already has the hot Blondie by the hand and points at her very horny)

George: Lambada? That´s not Cuban!

Band leader: How about you? The girl he would like to double team!

George: No, no. Don´t go up there!

Hot Blondie: Oh, loosen up, George!

(Old crooner signals for music, lively music plays and he dry humps her from the front, eyes closed, tongue out. Man with guitar joins in an dry humps her from behind)

Band Leader: Now they would like to teach you the guitar!

(She grabs the guitar)

Hot Blondie: Oh, OK!

(The hot Blondie barely can hold the guitar, she´s with it. The dry humps turn into kissing her all over her body, George gets up)

George: Hey! you know what? That´s enough! That´s enough!

(George tries desperately to free her from the horny Cubans)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 14

00n: Conan O’Brien / Don Henley

A Message from the President of the United States

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. As most of you are aware, earlier this week Vice President Dick Cheney was admitted to George Washington University Hospital after complaining of chest pains. Because of his history of heart trouble, the Vice President was held for several hours of tests before being released. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers are naturally with the Cheney family. But while this is a matter of some concern, it is vitally important that the American people be reassured. It is only Vice President Cheney that is seriously ill; I am perfectly fine. And unlike the Vice President, I can assure you that there is virtually no chance that illness will ever prevent me from discharging the duties of my office. On that score, Americans can rest easy. I’ll always be running the show.

(looks nervously to his side)

But if you are still worried, I have here the results of my most recent physical exam. This should put those fears to rest. Consider, for example, my resting heart rate at 42 beats per minute. For purposes of comparison, a typical man my age has a heart rate of 72. Dick Cheney’s is 211. Or, consider my cholesterol level of 115. Average for my age: 200. Again, Dick Cheney’s is 650. In fact, the only medical condition I do have is what my doctors call a tiny beer belly, left over from my wild oats period. But according to these doctors, if I follow their dietary guidelines and work with John Abdo and his AbDoer, there’s no reason I couldn’t have a size 30 waist by next year’s State of the Union. Think about it! A size 30 waist! Again, for comparison, Dick Cheney is a 52. You have to admit, that is pretty good.

So what’s my secret? I don’t know. Mostly good genes, I guess. And plenty of sleep. Fourteen hours a night, every night, no ifs, ands or buts. Also, keeping a moderate work schedule and taking frequent catnaps. Plus, when it comes to my official duties, I make sure I pace myself. But, whatever the reason, the bottom line is that Americans don’t need to worry. I’m in excellent health. Other people may drop like flies in this administration, but I’m going to be around for a long time. On the job, making the tough decisions 24/7. That’s 24 hours a week, 7 months a year. You can count on it.

And one more thing: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Submitted by: Elizabeth C.

SNL Transcripts

00f: Tom Green / David Gray

Lorne And Tom In A Tub

…..Lorne Michaels
…..Tom Green

(open on video of a girl running threw a meadow and two people sledding)

V/O: Boo Bee Boop. It’s time for Lorne and Tom In A Tub. Two buddies chatting, chatting up a storm. Boo Bee Boop.

(fade to Lorne and Tom sitting arcoss from another in a tub. Tom is holding two rubber ducks and is pretending they are talking to each other while Lorne listens intently)

Tom: Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. Ducky ducky ducky ducky ducky ducky ducky ducky ducky. Duck ducky duck duck duck. Duck duck ducky duck duck duck. Duck duck duck, duck duck duck, duck ducky duck. Quack quack quack quak quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Lorne: (holding a juice box) That’s funny!

V/O: Boo Bee Boo. This has been Lorne and Tom in a tub. Boo Beep Boop.

(fade)

Thanks to Anders Samuelson for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

]]>

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
…..Adam McKay
…..Robert DeNiro

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “WeekendUpdate with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon, and here are tonight’s top stories.

A current online poll shows that George W. Bush is beating Al Gore by amargin of 4% – or, as George W. Bush would refer to it: [ holds up fourfingers ] ..this many.

With Election Day approaching, the presidential candidates stepped up theirTV appearances. This week, Gore and Bush were on Letterman, Regis, and”The View”. Meanwhile, Ralph Nader was a plaintiff on “Judge Joe Brown”,and Pat Buchanan appeared on a security camera at a Walgreen’s.

This just in – New York City Police have reportedly apprehended the personwho let the dogs out.

Tina Fey: Prostitutes in Lyons, France sent a fax to the governmentto complain that they are losing business to Eastern European women whoare protected by the Albanian mafia.

Okay, first of all, how rough-looking are these French prostitutes thatall their customers are running to the Albanians? Secondly, why did theysend a fax, and from whence? Do they have a fax machine in the whorehouse,or did they all trundle down to Kinko’s – “You fax these, I’ll let you shaveme.” Thirdly, how come French whores know how to work a fax machine, butevery time I try to use it, I hit Power Save, or I forget to dial 9.. Thisjust proves what my boyfriend always says – that I am dumber than a Frenchwhore.

Back to you, Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: You take this one.

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll take this one!

With the election just two weeks away, the average person finds himselfbombarded by polls and interviews that supposedly reflect how real peoplefeel. But are average citizens influenced by the media themselves whenresponding to questions and polls. “Weekend Update” correspondent Adam McKayhit the streets to find out. Adam?

[ cut to live video ]

Adam McKay: Thank you, Tina, Jimmy, let’s face it – most peopleresent us media types. They resent our committment to excellence, ourextreme wealth, and the fact that we’re very good friends with PeterJennings – which I am. With that in mind, how can we be expected togenerate honest answers from people on the streets? It’s simple. By posingas one of them. The clothes I’m wearing right now are the types of clothesthat Joe Average might wear; and the vehicle I’m driving.. [ indicates van ]..is exactly the type of vehicle that John Q. Public might drive. So nowI’m no longer an award-winning reporter, I’m just a dude who wants to rapabout politics while my buddies film people in my van. Let’s find out whatAmerica thinks about Bush-Gore in 2000.

[ on the street ]

Adam McKay: Sir, maybe you could help me out..

Man on Street #1: [ rushing by ] Get away from me.

Adam McKay: I just need you to get in my van..

Man on Street #1: I don’t think so.

Adam McKay: Just get it the van!

[ cut to another street ]

Adam McKay: Folks? Come for a little ride with us? Want to getin my van, have some beers, maybe make some movies? Oh, it’s no joke, that’swhat we’re doing.

[ cut to another street ]

Adam McKay: Hey, ladies, how you doin’? Your hair’s lookin’ pretty.Let me just do, like, a three-way – a three-way interview with you ladies..We’ll go for a ride, like just up to the reservoir..

Ladies No.

Adam McKay: Come on.. you all got pretty hair, and we just want togo for a ride, that’s all..

Ladies No.

[ cut to Adam addressing the camera alone ]

Adam McKay: Okay, so far so good. But now we’re gonna change ourfocus a little bit. We’re gonna talk to a group of people who can’t helpbeing honest. I’m talking about children.

[ cut to Adam trying to get some kids in his van ]

Adam McKay: Hey, kids! I got candy! Wanna go for a ride in myvan? Come on! Your parents know who I am! [ walks slowly up to the kids,his arm extended ] I’m not gonna hurt you – we just want to film you.Come on, get in the van.. we’re gonna make movies..

[ an angry Father rushes and out and grabs Adam by the collar ]

Angry Father: What did you say?!

Adam McKay: Nothing! I just want them to go in my van, so I canfilm them talking about Bush!

[ Angry Father shoves Adam to the ground and proceeds to beat the crap out ofhim ]

[ cut back to Adam safe in the back of his van, face bloodied up ]

Adam McKay: Well, there you have it – there’s still passion in thiscountry for the electoral process. So, guess what?

[ Angry Father and others appear running after the van from behind ]

Angry Father: Get out of our neighborhood, you pervert!!

Adam McKay: Mr. Pundit doctor experts, don’t give up on Lady Libertyyet. Reporting from Life, I’m Adam McKay. Back to you, Jimmy and Tina.

Jimmy Fallon: Something to think about there.

Donna Hanover, the estranged wife of New York Mayor Rudy Guiliani, made herdebut in the play “The Vagina Monologues” this week, in which she talks aboutorgasms and lesbian sex. In response, the Mayor has already made plans tohave Hanover torn down and replaced with a Disney Store.

Tina Fey: Last week, in a segment we call “Movie Minute”, Jimmy gavean unfavorable review to the movie “Meet The Parents”, starring Ben Stillerand Robert DeNiro.

Jimmy Fallon: I did, that’s right. And I’m gonna stand by my review.

Tina Fey: Oh, yeah? Good. Because here with a review of Jimmy’sReview, is Robert DeNiro.

[ Jimmy turns pale and tries not to laugh as DeNiro takes the seat next to him ]

Robert DeNiro: Thank you. Thank you, Tina. [ to Jimmy ] So.. whatdid you say about my movie?

Jimmy Fallon: [ smiling ] I just said that basically it’s you justsaying, [ imitating DeNiro ] “You’re gonna meet me! We’re gonna meet! Meetthe Parents! You’re gonna meet me! We’re gonna meet!”

Robert DeNiro: That’s not what I do.

Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do!

Robert DeNiro: That’s not what I do.

Jimmy Fallon: [ imitating ] Yes, you do-o-o!

Robert DeNiro: [ rough ] Jimmy! I said, that’s not whatI do!

Jimmy Fallon: [ pause ] Little bit? [ pause ] Tina..?

Tina Fey: Uh.. you are on your own!

Jimmy Fallon: I.. I thought that..

Robert DeNiro: [ grabs Jimmy’s arm ] You think too much. [ pause ] So.. you gonna meet me?Is that what I do?

Jimmy Fallon: [ shaking head ] No, Sir.. that’s not what you do..

Tina Fey: Well, that’s the news. I’m Tina Fey..

Robert DeNiro: [ imitating Jimmy ] “And I’m Jimmy Fallon!”

Tina Fey: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Father And Son Go Hunting

George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ open on a quiet forest. Gunshot rings out. ]

Voice: Over here! It went this way!

[ George W. Bush, dressed in hunting gear and pointing rifle runs into a clearing, followed by his father, George Bush ]

George Bush: Well, did you get him, or what? [ looks ] Ah, looks like you missed it.

George W. Bush: I missed it! Dammit! I think I scared it off. I’m gonna run after it!

George Bush: Ah, it’s okay, son. Why don’t we just stop, and sit on this old log for a minute? Your old man’s getting tired. Have a seat, come on now.

George W. Bush: We gotta get out after that deer. I wanna kill it!

George Bush: Sit down! Come on, son, have a seat.

George W. Bush: Alright. [ sits next to his father ] I’ll tell you something – that deer is gonna be one dead dog by the time I get to it! [ laughs ]

George Bush: Alright, son, settle down. You know, Babs and I used to come up here. In fact, you, Jeb, and your sister were.. I made all of you right over there in that dirt! Yeah, those were funky times, know what I mean, son?

George W. Bush: Shh.. I hear something. [ holds up his rifle and points ]

George Bush: Forget about the deer for a second, son! Come on, relax, would you like a little Lifesaver or something?

George W. Bush: Yeah, sure.

George Bush: Alright, buddy. [ takes out roll of Lifesavers ] There you go.

George W. Bush: [ pulls antlers out of his hunting jacket ] I’m gonna play with these antlers, too. [ starts clapping the antlers together ]

George Bush: Put the antlers down! Come on! [ separates the antlers from George W.’s hands ] Put ’em down, there’s your Lifesaver. I wanna talk to you, man to man, for a minute.

George W. Bush: Sure thing, Dad. What’s up?

George Bush: Well.. it looks like it’s really gonna happen. Unbelievable. You’re ahead in the polls, you look really good in those debates.. I tell you, I think we really got a shot.

George W. Bush: [ mind wandering ] I wish I’d shot that deer!

George Bush: Son, you know what it means to be President, President of the United States? Everybody looks up to you, you’re the leader of the most powerful nation in the whole world.

George W. Bush: It’s gonna be cool, Dad, I’m pretty psyched!

George Bush: It’s more than just “cool”. That hippy language you’re still prone to.. It’s honorable. The highest office in the land – none higher! People look to you to make their lives better, and you’ll be in a position to really help.

George W. Bush: [ thinking ] Cool. Very cool.

George Bush: Well, when I was in the White House, there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t feel proud of what I’d acheived. But more than pride, I felt responsible. A lot of crazy stuff comes at you – world problems, problems at home.. [ George W. starts clapping the antlers together again ] Get these down, will you! [ seizes the antlers from George W.’s hands, then smacks him across the face ] Now, think about it! You’re gonna be Commander-in-Chief. The most potent military in the world. That’s a heavy burdon for any man to bear.

George W. Bush: Wow. Well, we should be getting after that deer.

George Bush: Look.. I know you’re not quite right in the head, son. Maybe it’s this dyslexia they keep talking about. Back when you were born, Babs and I called it “retardation”. I guess no one says that any more. Whatever the doctors wanna call you, I just want you to know I’m proud of you, son. I really am. Your mother and I love you very much.. I just hope..

George W. Bush: Shh.. quiet! [ points rifle ] I got a beat on him! [ camera shows view from the scope of the rifle, deer grazing in the grass ] That’s right.. look over here. I’m sorry, Rudolph, looks like the Governor will not grant you a reprieve! One.. two.. three..

George Bush: [ pushes rifle down ] Now, hey, hold up, come on now. How about letting this one get away, what do you say, son?

George W. Bush: Sure, Dad, I know what you’re saying. But it ain’t gonna happen. Nighty-night, Bambi! [ fires rifle ] Man! I dropped him! How about that? A whole deer! Wow! The buck stops right there, huh, Dad? Am I right? Say.. Dad? If I get to be President, are we gonna go hunting any more?

George Bush: [ sighs ] Sure, son. You know, son, why don’t you go up there and check on your kill? Well, go on. I’m just gonna sit for a minute..

George W. Bush: Alright! That’s a good idea! [ jumps up and runs to bag his deer ]

George Bush: [ stands up, points rifle towards George W., then lowers it ] Nah.. can’t even think about it. First of all, it’s against the law. Babs wouldn’t like it.. Well.. it’s probably just four years.. Hey, wait for me, son! I’m right behind ya!

[ George Bush runs after George W., as scene fades to black ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Third Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Leslie Dawes…..Ana Gasteyer
Dan McGrath…..Chris Kattan
George Bush…..Dana Carvey
Roger Clyman…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: Live, from Washington University in St. Louis, Missouri, the third and final Presidential Debate. Here is moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I’m Jim Lehrer. Welcome to the third and final presidential debate of the 2000 campaign, between Vice-President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush. Tonight’s debate will follow a Town Hall format. The candidates will answer questions put to them by nearly two dozen voters from the St. Louis area, voters who remain undecided. First question comes from Leslie Dawes, and it’s for Governor Bush. Miss Dawes?

Leslie Dawes: Governor Bush, I’ve been following the campaign very closely, but I need to know more about where the candidates stand on the issues I really care about: protecting a woman’s right to choose; dealing with global warming; and fighting the big oil companies; and HMOs. Do you and the Vice-President have any differences on these issues, which would help me decide which one to support? Right now, I have no idea.

George W. Bush: Well, Leslie, that’s a very good question.. and uh.. thee are differences between the Vice-President and myself on those issues.

Leslie Dawes: I did not realize that.

George W. Bush: Yes, and on these issues you seem to be more tuned with him than with me. I’m kind of surprised you’re still undecided!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Vice-President, response?

Al Gore: Jim, I agree with the governor on this. Uh.. on each of these issues, Leslie strongly agrees with me and disagrees with my opponent.

George W. Bush: That’s right. That’s right.

Leslie Dawes: I’m sorry, but you’re not telling me anything thathelps me decide.

George W. Bush: I think you should vote for Mr. Gore, and not for me.

Al Gore: I’m gonna agree.

Leslie Dawes: I still can’t decide.

Jim Lehrer: [ sighs ] The next question is from Mr. Dan McGrath,and it’s for Vice-President Gore. Mr. McGrath.

Dan McGrath: Mr. Vice-President, I’ve been following this campaign, I’ve seen both debates.. but I still haven’t made up my mind. To be frank, if you or Governor Bush want my vote, I have some questions that have to be answered.

Al Gore: Go ahead, Dan, I’m gonna do my best.

Dan McGrath: [ reading from card ] “Have either you or Governor Bush held elective office? Have you reached the age of 35 years, as required by the Constitution? And, are you an American citizen?” I’ll step back and listen to your response.

Al Gore: [ stunned by the question ] Well, Dan, those are all..excellent questions.. and while I can’t speak for Governor Bush, let me say I served in both the Congress and the Senate, and as Vice-President for the last eight years. I’m 53, and I was born in this country. The United States.

Dan McGrath: Thank you. Thank you, that helped me.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush?

George W. Bush: Well, Dan.. I admire your skepticism, and to bequite honest, I think you’re the perfect profile of a Bush supporter. [ returns to his seat having not actually answered the question ]

Jim Lehrer: Undecided voter Dan McGrath. Our next question is for the Vice-President, and it comes from Mr. George H.W.B. George?

George Bush: Well, Mr. Vice-President there.. As anundecided voter, I watched those first two debates trying to make up mymind there. My question is, why’d you look so agitated up there? Kind of spooky!

Jim Lehrer: President Bush, I’m afraid this is in violation of the rules. Questions in tonight’s debate may only come from undecided voters.

George Bush: Well, I’ll be honest with you, Jim – haven’t fullymade up my mind. I love my son – I love all my sons. Jeb, Governor of Florida down there; Neil, had that problem with the Savings & Loan; then there’s George W. – wanna vote for him, wanna support him.. have those reservations about character. As a young man, he was bad! Bad! A lotta wild oats, lotta hoochie-coochie, surfing, kinda wild, a lot of that stuff going on! But he was a young man.. So, to sum up: love my son, but still on the fence!

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, you are not an undecided voter!

George Bush: Well, I’m leaning. I’m leaning towards W. Look atthat lean.. [ leans ] ..I’m leaning, but still unsure. W. has not closed the deal.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. President, please don’t make this any harder than it is.

George Bush: Alright, Jim, I understand. I’ll just be quiet.

Jim Lehrer: Our next question is for Vice-President Gore, and comes from Mr. Roger Clyman. Mr. Clyman?

Roger Clyman: [ obviously a decoy ] Mr. Vice-President, as an undecided neutral voter, not committed to either candidate, trying to make up my mind – I’m wondering about Governor Bush’s risky tax scheme to steal the trillion dollar surplus from Social Security and Medicare, wasting it on a tax cut for the rich, and taking us back to those awful times when his father nearly brought our economy to its knees, and caused AIDS and homelessness. Tell me, how would your plan differ, so I can decide which one of you to vote for?

Al Gore: That’s an excellent question, Roger, and I thank you for it. [ winks ] Let me begin by saying that under my plan, the surplus would not be wasted, but protected in what I call a “lock-box”.

Roger Clyman: A “lock-box”! That’s a fantastic idea! Ilove that idea!

Al Gore: Oh, thank you.

Jim Lehrer: Next, a question for Governor Bush, from Mr. JorgeH.W.B.

George Bush: [ disguised in Mexican garb with his Secret ServiceAgents ] Well.. as an undecided Latino voter – mi English unbiquito here – but I’d like to ask Governor Bush here, didn’t that last question seem a little biased? A little skewed? Not totally on the level? That last fellow – possible shill.. possible Democratic operative over there..

Jim Lehrer: President Bush, please.

George Bush: [ takes off his hat ] Alright, Jim. Just trying toeven things up, level that playing field. Won’t happen again.

Jim Lehrer: [ sighs ] We have time for one more question. It’s for Governor Bush, it concerns Social Security, and it comes from Barbara B.

George Bush: [ dressed as as old lady with his Secret Service Agents ] Now, Governor Bush, as a retired person living on Social Security, I think you’re a terribly bright, charming young fellow – definitely not moronic. One other thing – “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

SNL Transcripts