SNL Tonight

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Wilson the Volleyball…..Will Ferrell
…..Tom Hanks
Rasheed Jenkins…..Jerry Minor
…..Tracy Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Wednesday, Bill and Hillary Clinton returned some twenty-eight thousand dollars worth of furniture that they took with them when they left the White House. The ex-President stressed that the dollar amount was actually much lower, as many of the items were “stained.”

It was announced this week that Elton John and Eminem will perform a duet at this month’s Grammy Awards. When asked if he felt conflicted about working with the obviously gay performer, Elton John said, “I don’t have a problem with it.”

A Pennsylvania woman who has been convicted for shoplifting has been sentenced to wear a badge that reads “Convicted Shoplifter”. However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading “I’d Rather Be Stealing!”

Tina Fey: The movie “Castaway” continues to cruise along at the box office, and wow audiences with the tour-de-force performance of its star. He’s one of America’s favorite actors, and we’re very, very lucky to have him here tonight. Please welcome, the star of “Castaway”, Wilson the Volleyball.

Wilson the Volleyball: Hey, hey, hey! How do you do! Hey, I love you New York, give yourself a nice round of applause! [ audience applauds ] I can’t hear you! [ audience applauds wildly ] Yeah! Alright!

Tina Fey: Now, Wilson, you were great in “Castaway”, but, I gotta know, what was it like working with tom Hanks?

Wilson the Volleyball: Hanks is a dick! Yeah, yeah.. as soon as the filming starting, he knew I was turning into the star of the damn flick, so what does he do – he goes behind my back to Zemeckis, and gets my sex scene cut!

Tina Fey: You, uh, you had a sex scene?

Wilson the Volleyball: Oh, yeah, it was sensous, erotic, and very tasteful. I did it with a turtle!

Tina Fey: You had sex with a turtle?

Wilson the Volleyball: Yeah, with my little inflation nub here. Hey, can we get a shot of my nub, something for the ladies? Look at my numb, my little nubbie, yeah!

Tina Fey: Alright, let’s move on to your early career. You’re classicaly trained, an alumnus of Chicago’s Steppenwolf Company..

Wilson the Volleyball: Uh-huh.

[ show slides of Wilson’s past roles ]

Tina Fey: There’s you and Gary Sinese in “The Grpaes of Wrath”. But you gave up the stagw for television, and a role on “One Life To Live”, as Dr. Max Baxter and his evil twin, Sid the Volleyball.

Wilson the Volleyball: Yeah, yeah. But now things are relaly taking off. I just wrapped a six-week stint on “Boston Public”.. I’m also taking over the role of Jack Ryan in the next Tom Clancy movie.. and I’m stored in a closet.

Tina Fey: Sounds like a bright future for a bright talent.

Wilson the Volleyball: You know, you’re pretty sassy, Ms. Tina Fey. I’ll give you ten grand for a pair of your panties!

Tina Fey: That’s digusting!

Wilson the Volleyball: Fine, fine.. if we’re done here, I’m gonna skate – I gotta meet Andy Dick and a crate of tennis balls at Nobu..

[ Tom Hanks enters, and pulls Wilson off of the Update desk and exits ]

Tina Fey: Wilson the Volleyball, and his friend, everybody!

Later this month, George W. Bush will make his first European trip as President, visiting Prime Minister Tony Blair in London. Hoping to make a good impression, Bush has spent the last week trying to learn a few English words.

Citing the high cost of the series and low ratings, syndicator Pearson Television has cancelled “Baywatch”. Now viewers who love big fake boobs will just have to watch “VIP”, “Jerry Springer”, “Jenny Jones”, “Search Party”, “Extra”, “MTV Spring Break”, “MTV Making the Video”, “Wild on E!”, “Howard Stern”, “Silk Stalkings”, “G-String Divas”, “The Man Show”, “Unhappily Ever After”, “Blind Date”, Bowflex Infomercials, “Cleopatra 2525”, the XFL, the NFL, “Sabado Gigante”, “Temptation Island”, “Charmed”, wrestling, Cinemax, Showtime or commercials.

A San Francisco woman is claiming that “Nash Bridges” star Don Johnson groped her while exiting a restaurant bathroom. The incident was reported by the men’s room attendant, Philip Michael Thomas.

It was announced Monday that Kelly Ripa will be Kathy Lee Gifford’s permanent replacement on Regis Philbin’s morning talk show. Producers say the two women are very different; Kelly Ripa is a long-time soap opera actress and Kathie Lee is a hateful bitch.

Hundreds of people are vying to get one of only eight spectator seats at Timothy McVeigh’s upcoming execution. Said one ticket hopeful, “It’s so lame, ’cause you know the whole front row is gonna be industry.”

Tina Fey: February is Black History Month, and here with a Black Histroy presentation, from PS 121 in Queens, fourth-grader Rasheed Jenkins.

Rasheed Jenkins: [ nervous ] Thank you, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: You’re welcome, Rasheed. [ Rasheed freezes ] Go ahead, Rasheed.. it’s okay, honey..

Rasheed Jenkins: [ screaming ] “Black History Month is proud! Black History is a time in February when we celebrate Black History! We honor such mean.. men.. like Martin Luther King, Malcolm.. [ flips card ] ..X, and Martin Luther King, and..”

Tina Fey: Take your time.

Rasheed Jenkins: “We must always remember such mean.. men.. for what they have done for us. [ pause ] Americans, that’s why we’re proud to be.. part of the..” [ lost ]

Tina Fey: Sound it out.

Rasheed Jenkins: “Le-ga-cy..”

Tina Fey: Legacy. Legacy, that’s good, that’s good. Legacy.

Rasheed Jenkins: [ starts crying ]

Tina Fey: Oh, no, honey, don’t! Oh, that’s okay, you can stop now.. [ Rasheed tries to read as he continues to cry ] Okay, Rasheed.. okay, thank you very much..

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, Tina, stop it, let him go..

Tina Fey: I’m not doing anything! Rasheed, you can stop now!

Jimmy Fallon: Do something, will you?

Tina Fey: I’m trying.. Rasheed, who brought you up here..?

Rasheed Jenkins: I don’t knoooowwww!!! MOMMMMAAAA!!! [ Tina tries to help ] Nooooo!! Get away from me, white lady! Mommmmmmaaaa!!

Tina Fey: Does anybody know where his mother is?

[ Tracy Morgan enters ]

Tracy Morgan: What the hell is going on?!

Tina Fey: Tracy, he was doing an “Update” feature, and he got scared.

Tracy Morgan: Well, what did you do to him?!

Jimmy Fallon: Nothing, Tracy.. we’re looking for his mother..

Tracy Morgan: She’s in my dressing room, Jim! Come on, Shorty, I gotcha, come on. [ exits set with Rasheed ]

Tina Fey: Rasheed Jenkins, everyone!

Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jim Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

Church Chat

Church Lady…..Dana Carvey
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Anne Heche…..Chris Kattan
Eminem…..Chris Parnell

Church Lady: Hello, I’m the Church Lady, and this is “Church Chat”. Well, it’s almost Halloween, and what a delightful little holiday! Let’s see, what do we do on this holiday, let’s count it out: we dress up our children like witches and vampires; we put them out into the night like little candy prostitutes – “Look at me, Mommy, I’m a sugar slut in a Devil mask!” Speaking of all that is unholy, I’m delighted to welcome my first guest – she’s a sweet little peach – our First-Lady and Senate candidate, please welcome Hillary Clinton.

Hillary Clinton: [ steps out and sits down ] Hello, Church Lady.

Church Lady: Well, nice to see you. Hillary Rodham Clinton. We like our three little names, don’t we? “We are woman, hear us roar!” So, you’re running for Senate in Arkansas?

Hillary Clinton: No, actually, I’m running for Senate in New York.

Church Lady: Oh, that’s right. We just call ourselves a New Yorker when it’s convenient.

Hillary Clinton: You know, we actually do own a home in Chappaqua.

Church Lady: Chappaqua! From the old Indian word “Chappaquinis”, which means “Wife looks the other way, while big chief gets his peacepipe smoked.”

Hillary Clinton: [ angry ] Church Lady, I am here to talk about..

Church Lady: Just relax! [ moves her hand up and down ]There’s your mouth – it’s moving. Let’s just keep it nice and buttonedreal tight for just a second.. So, if you’re elected Senate, that means Bill will be alone most of the time. I wonder what he’ll do with all that “alone” time? I guess he’ll just have to find someone to take care of his Little Rock.

Hillary Clinton: Church Lady, I don’t think it’s fair to bring up my personal life..

Church Lady: Well, maybe if you had performed your Christian wifely duties, your husband wouldn’t have had so much skin-hunger.

Hillary Clinton: That is clearly a distortion of the facts..

Church Lady: Oh, we’re an intimidator. Newsflash – not afraid! Scoot down, had enough, there you go! [ Hillary scoots down ] Alright, that was exciting! Now, my next guest is someone who loves to bob for apples and bananas. Please welcome Anne Heche. [ Anne walks out and sits down ] Welcome to the show, Anne He-She.

Anne Heche: It’s “Heche”.

Church Lady: Oh, yes, of course – Heche. Now, Anne, you describe yourself as a bisexual. “Bisexual”. That’s a cute little word, isn’t it? Bisexual is a person who reaches down the front of someone’s pants, and they’re satisfied with whatever they find!

Anne Heche: Church Lady, I don’t put boundaries on my love. If I fall in love with a man, then I want to make love to that man; if I fall in love with a woman, then I want nothing more than to explore that woman’s body. I’m just very open. I’m sure if I fell in love with a German Shephard, I’m sure I would want to make sweet dog love, alright?

Church Lady: Well, isn’t that special? You know, Anne, Imade a little snack for you, because I thought you might get hungry, but I couldn’t really remember what you’d like better.. so I have a weiner and a taco, and I was trying to remember – first you liked weiners, didn’t you? Then you thought they were ookey.. and then we liked tacos, but then we went back to weiners. We just have a little trouble making up our minds, don’t we? What’s for dinner, Annie? What’s for dinner?

Anne Heche: [ thinking ] Uh.. could I have..

Church Lady: Eeny-meenie-minie-taco-weiner.

Anne Heche: .. a weiner-taco..?

Church Lady: Too many decisions. Let’s just put the weiner in the taco.. you scoot down, take a little rest, think about what you want.. [ Anne denies the weiner-taco and scoots down ] Alright, don’t have to have it. I don’t want you to get dehydrated and start knocking on doors. Now, our last guest is a crap singer – I mean, rap singer, I’m sorry. Apparently, Rosemary’s Baby is all grown up. Please welcome Mr. Eminem. [ Eminem walks out and sits down ] Well, we’re just a little buttercup, aren’t we? But we love to say those nasty, dirty words, don’t we? Let’s play a little romantic ditty, right now, that you wrote for your wife. [ a portion of a bleeped-out version of “Kim” plays, as Eminem nods his head in time to the music ] Welll.. I bet that just swept her off her feet, didn’t it!

Eminem: You don’t know how to say it, Church Lady. There’s a layer of irony to my rhymes that a lot of people don’t get, you know what I’m saying? I’m an artist, yo!

Church Lady: You know what, Eminem.. I’ve been inspired by your musical artistry, and it goes a little something like this. Hit it, Pearl![stands up and sings a variant of “The Real Slim Shady ]

“Well, I’m the Church Lady
Yes, I’m the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?
‘Cause I’m the Church Lady
the real Lady
and all you Slim Shadies are headed for Hades.
Will the real Church Lady please stand up
Please stand up, please stand up?”

[ a line of Church Lady imposters march forward ]

And Superior!

[ they all do the Superior Dance ]

Bye, Satan!

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

Music From The Motion Picture Valentine

[ shows a clip from “Valentine” ]

Announcer: He loves me not. It’s Valentine’s Day. Love hurts.

Music from the motion picture, “Valentine”, featuring music from:Nine Inch Nails, The Deftones, Rob Zombie, Exquisite Mammals, T.C.,Wheelwright’s Ghost, Grab The Jester, Motherboard, Skilled Homicide Harmony, Book, Fall Creek Confederacy, The Frown Squad, Motionless-Z, and Kayak.

Music from the motion picture, “Valentine”. Available now, including songs by:
Dirty Yellow Hammer, Donkey Kong U.K., All Your Blood, Bang The SkullSlowly, Hat, Gravel Fork, The Handless Kings, Fiona Apple, Rabbitpunch,Rice, Nuclear Zeitgeist, Pineapple Man, Fool’s Cap, and Buzzgum.

Available in stores now, with original songs by:
Brain Gorge, Brian Georg, Pi Eating Contest, Mr. Hameye, Agribuisness,Marvin’s Toes, Birmingham Sound Expedition, Stab The Bishop, Cunk, Marilyn Manson, and Infant 714.

Get your Valentine soundtrack today, and hear previously unreleased material by:
Decimal Metaphor, Half of, 5445 North Park Drive Community Vigilence &Restoration Comittee, and CL.

The Valentine Soundtrack. Available in stores now.

Submitted by: Tony DuMont

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 3

00c: Dana Carvey / The Wallflowers

The Delicious Dish

Margaret Jo McCullin…..Ana Gasteyer
Teri Rialto…..Molly Shannon
Gordon Hoover…..Dana Carvey

Margaret Jo McCullin: Hello. I’m Margaret Jo McCullin.

Teri Rialto: And I’m Teri Rialto.

Margaret Jo McCullin: And you’re listening to..

Together: The Delicious Dish, on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, today is a special Halloweenculinary spooks-travaganza. So let’s summon some ghoulies and ghostiesto help us make ghoulash and toasties.

Teri Rialto: Halloween is one of my favorite times of the year. I have such happy memories from my childhood of dressing up and goingdoor-to-door, and collecting for UNICEF.

Margaret Jo McCullin: I know, same. My favorite was alwaysapple-bobbing. Although, due to a terrible allergy to apples, my family bobbed for uncooked potatoes and yellow onions. It was a real hoot!

Teri Rialto: Neat.

Margaret Jo McCullin: It was fun.

Teri Rialto: Potatoes and onions.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Teri Rialto: Good times.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Now, Teri, what are you going to do thisHalloween?

Teri Rialto: Well, I enjoy spending Halloween night out in a pumpkin patch, waiting for the Great Pumpkin to appear.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ooh, like Charlie Brown!

Teri Rialto: Charlie what, now?

Margaret Jo McCullin: The cartoon. The cartoon, Charlie Brown.

Teri Rialto: [ minorly upset ] There is nothing cartoonish about my religious beliefs.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, anyway, we have a very special guest joining us tonight. He teaches at Cesar Chavez High School.

Teri Rialto: Now, didn’t that used to be the James Madison High School?

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, it sure did, but they changed the name.

Teri Rialto: More importantly, once a year he is the proprieter of Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town.

Margaret Jo McCullin: But don’t worry, it’s actually just one-half of a 2-family duplex over near Interstate 15!

Teri Rialto: Ooh! Scary Town!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Please welcome Gordon Hoover. Hi, Gordon.

[ Gordon, dressed in a pirate costume complete with eye patch, scoots up to the microphone and puts on his headphones ]

Teri Rialto: I like your pirate costume.

Gordon Hoover: Well, thank you. I strive for terrified authenticity.

Margaret Jo McCullin: The eyepiece is a really clever touch.

Gordon Hoover: That’s not part of the costume. Yesterday, I scratched my cornea while replacing some fiberglass insulation over at Scary Town.

Teri Rialto: Ohhh..

Margaret Jo McCullin: Ouch.

Teri Rialto: Injured eyeball. Painful.

Margaret Jo McCullin: That’s not fun at all.

Gordon Hoover: No. It’s not.

Teri Rialto: Well, Gordon, every Halloween, for about fifteen years now, you’ve turned your house into a haunted castle full of treats for the neighborhood, isn’t that right?

Gordon Hoover: Fifteen years, that’s right. Of course, most ofthe kids are grown up now.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Yeah, kids will do that.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, and the neighborhood has gotten a little more character, and it’s become a little more.. uh.. urban.. but I’m still out there every year.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good for you. Well, why don’t you tell usabout this wonderful tray here of Halloween hors-douvres – or, should I say, horrors-douvre.

Teri Rialto: [ laughing ] That’s funny. You’re really funny.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Thanks. I thought of that last Christmas, but I had to save it until now to use it!

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. well, um.. one of my favorite spooky treats are these little ghosts. [ holds up the ghosts ] These bone-chilling spectors are made by taking an ordinary lollipop and wrapping it in toilet paper.

Teri Rialto: Boy, I never knew that toilet paper could be so scary.

Gordon Hoover: Well, it can.. be scary, yes.. especially if it’sthrown at your house by a gang of mass teenagers shouting Spanish cursewords, and swilling something out of a bottle marked “Algano Diablo.”

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, tricks can be as fun as treats.

Gordon Hoover: Yeah.. I tell myself that.

Teri Rialto: So, what else did you bring?

Gordon Hoover: Well, Teri, one of the scariest foods out there is this. [ holds a bowl of cereal ] It’s General Mills’ most terrifying brand of cereal available. It’s Count Chocula.

Teri Rialto: Ooh, Count Chocula. Now, isn’t he some kind of black Dracula?

Gordon Hoover: Yeah, that’s right. And, incidentally, the name of the gang that corrals around my neighborhood – the Black Draculas. And that’s pretty much a year-round thing.

Margaret Jo McCullin: So, on Halloween, the kids like to come to your door, and you give them cereal?

Gordon Hoover: Well, they don’t really come to the door any more. They mostly let themselves in through an open window, or they cut out a screen door. And I don’t think they’re really looking for cereal, so much as they’re looking for electronics, stereo equipment, and cheap.. cheap thrills.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well.. speaking of thrills, one thing Teri and I like to do is put peeled grapes in a bowl, and they feel like gooey eyeballs!

Teri Rialto: [ excited ] Yeah-ah!

Gordon Hoover: Is that a joke about my scratched cornea?

[ awkward silence ]

Teri Rialto: So, do you have anything really special planned forthis year’s Gordon Hoover’s Scary Town?

Gordon Hoover: Do I ever! Let me tell you, those punks are in for a bog surprise if they try to screw with Gordon Hoover this year!

Margaret Jo McCullin: Oh, neat!

Teri Rialto: Should be fun.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Good times.

Gordon Hoover: No, it won’t be good times. It’ll be more along the order of razor blades on the windowsills, and buckets of human waste propped over the door jambs. Those little a-holes better watch their butts this Halloween.

Margaret Jo McCullin: Well, that’s all the time we have..

Gordon Hoover: I don’t care! If I have to go down, I’m gonna take a couple of Black Draculas with me!

Teri Rialto: Please join us next time when we discuss..

Together: Bran.

SNL Transcripts

Jeffrey’s

Clerk #1…..Pierce Brosnan
Clerk# 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Customer #1…..Chris Parnell
Customer #2…..Chris Kattan
Customer #3…..Horatio Sanz
Boss…..Will Ferrell

Customer #1: Uh, pardon me, I’m looking for a nice pair of slacks for my son to wear at his high school graduation, and I read in Maxim that G-star pants are in this season.

Clerk #2: And when is Maxim going to be in season? When fedoras come back in style?

Clerk #1: Mmm, why don’t I wrap up a pair of G-stars for you and throw in an autographed picture of the cast of “Night Court”?

Customer #1: What the–? I’ll have you know that my son reads Maxim too, and he is hipper than you two will ever be.

Clerk #1: Yeah, yeah, he’s so hip he has his daddy buy his pants.

Clerk #2: Look, we work at Jeffrey’s, okay? We don’t carry G-star. We drink $8 cappucinos and chase them with $12 cappucinos. We get our hair glossed.

Clerk #1: Mmmm, we wear a different cologne every day of the week. I’m wearing ‘Monday’.

Clerk #2: I’m wearing ‘Friday’.

Clerk #1: (confused) What?

Clerk #2: I’m on London time.

Clerk #1: Oh, touche. (to customer) See, we work at Jeffrey’s. It’s our deal. Now, I’m turning my head away from you as you’ve taken 30 seconds of my life that I’ll never get back. (takes hand and turns his head).

Customer #1: But—

Clerk #2: (cuts him off) Yeah, we kind of need you to step outside our little invisi-sphere, okay?

Clerk #1: (as they make the outline of a circle around themselves with their fingers) Zzzzzzzip!

Customer #1: Fine, I’ll go to Loehman’s. (leaves)

Clerk #2: It’s official, we’re great.

Clerk #1: Mmmm, tell me something I don’t know.

Customer #2: Hi, I’m looking for something called Zeer blemish cream? (as Clerk #2 starts laughing). What? I was just looking for some Zeer blemish cream and undereye concealer?

Clerk #1: Concealer? Look, Benicio, the bags under your eyes need to be checked, because they don’t fit in the overhead compartment.

Clerk #2: People age, so go home, turn up your Sha Na Na, put in your “Diagnosis Murder” tapes, and wait for the crypt-keeper, we don’t carry your concealer.

Customer #2: What? No, I-I bought it here before.

Clerk #2: (laughing) We’ll have more products in the spring.

Customer #2: This IS the spring!

Clerk #1: Please, this is Jeffrey’s. Spring is in the winter here, and summer is in the fall.

Clerk #2: Air-five!

(they make the motions of a high-five)

Customer #2: Fine, thank you, I’ll go somewhere else. Thanks for your help. (leaves)

Clerk #1: Ugh, people should stop. (tries to stifle his laughter)

(from this point on, Brosnan and Fallon struggle not to crack up as they recite their lines)

Clerk #2: I don’t even know why they start.

Customer #3: Hi, I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m——

Clerk # 1: No.

Clerk #2: No, I don’t.

Customer #3: Come on, I was the guy who—–

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But I just—-

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But I—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: But—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Customer #3: B—

Clerk #1 & #2: No.

Clerk #2: Look, I don’t remember my nightmares, and I don’t remember you. (he and Clerk #1 make mock frightened gestures)

Clerk #1: But I do remember that you’d be more comfortable at the mobile home expo in that jacket.

Customer #3: WHAT!? This is a genuine burgundy members-only jacket, with a “banded collar”!

Clerk #2: Members-only? What do you have to do to be a member? Break lawn chairs?

Customer #3: What are you trying to say, what, that I’m fat?

Clerk #1: What he’s saying, is that all-you-can-eat fried shrimp platter at Sizzler is not an appetizer, it’s not a lifestyle. (tries to stifle his laughter)

Clerk #2: I got it.

Clerk #1: Good, I’m so glad.

Customer #3: Yeah, well maybe you should go to Sizzler (laughs) and get an all-you-can-eat punch in the face!

(all three actors are DESPERATELY trying not to lose it at this point)

Clerk #2: Are you done? Now, why don’t you go back to where you usually shop? You know, where they have samples of cheese on toothpicks.

Clerk #1: Someplace where you can get your entire wardrobe, a rifle, and a portable basketball hoop all in the same aisle.

Clerk #2: Follow the blue flashing light.

Customer #3: REEEAAALLLYY?! For your_ informacione_, K-Mart is for losers! I get all my stuff at TARGET! (whistles, makes a circular motion with his index finger, then jabs it at the two clerks) B-oo–ing! (as they all crack up) Target, bro-bro! (as he saunters out of the store) See ya, suckas! Wouldn’t wants to be yas!

Clerk #1: Mmmm, that was close. We just came face-to-face with Mad Cow Disease.

Clerk #2: I wish people didn’t exist. I really do.

(Boss backs out of backroom on his motorized chair)

Boss: (stands) Gentlemen.

(beeping noise starts, they start checking themselves)

Clerk #1: Hmmm, it’s not my Palm Pilot.

Clerk #2: It’s not my Nexel Two-way.

Boss: It’s probably my e-mail (pulls out an ultra tiny laptop, electronic voice states “You’ve got mail). Mm-hm, it’s my e-mail. (puts on binocular glasses). It’s Chloe. No it’s Stella. Oh, no, she needs us. She’s in trouble. She’s leaving Chloe (electronic voice says “goodbye”)

(They gather up their things and try not to laugh)

Boss: Well, you two go ahead, and I’ll meet you there in two shakes of a Persian kitten’s whiskers.

Clerk #1 & #2: Bye. Toodaloo.

(they prance off. Boss drives his chair into the store centerpiece.)

(fade out)

Transcribed by: Camille McKenzie

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 11

00k: Jennifer Lopez

J. Lo vs. Mango

…..Jennifer Lopez
Director…..Will Ferrell
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Mango…..Chris Kattan
Director’s Assistant…..Darrell Hammond
Mango Backup Singer #1…..Jerry Minor
Mango Backup Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Aretha Franklin…..Tracy Morgan
Celine Dion…..Ana Gasteyer
Diana Ross…..Maya Rudolph
Shania Twain…..Molly Shannon

[Jennifer Lopez is on a bed, singing “My Love Don’t Cost a Thing” while a dancer is dancing on the bed beside her.]

Jennifer Lopez: Think I wanna drive your Benz, I don’t
If I wanna floss I got my own
Even if you were broke
My love don’t cost a thing
[stops singing]

Cut, cut!

Director: Jennifer, Jennifer, Jennifer, what’s going on here? What’s the problem?

Jennifer Lopez: It’s this dancer! He’s awful.

Dancer: Awful . . . or great?

Director: Awful! Now get out of here! I know every casting director in town! You’ll never work in this business again! Sorry about that, Jenny. He’s my son. Listen, I think I’ve got just the guy for you, he’s got his act at a wonderful little strip club called “Beef Cakes,” a male strip club. I went there by mistake, a long story, okay? But anyway, I just fell in love with him. Come on out here, Mango!

[Mango enters, wearing the usual pink shirt and gold shorts, with a pink jacket and pink hat.]

Mango: Hi everybody! Sorry I’m late, I was just getting acupuncture on my hoo-hah!

Director: Mango, Mango, listen, listen. We don’t have a lot of time, okay?

Mango: Okay.

Director: Can you do this for me?

Mango: Yes.

Director: Can you?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay? Be good?

Mango: Mm-hmm.

Director: Okay. All right. All right, everybody! Let’s have places! Let’s have places and let’s settle. And let’s action!

[The song plays again, while Mango shakes it, jumps up onto the bed, and gyrates on J-Lo’s head and shoulder.]

Director’s Assistant: This guy is good! He’s making love to the camera!

[Mango music pots up as Mango stares at the camera waving his hands around in the normal fashion.]

Jennifer Lopez: Cut, cut, cut! Cut the tape! What the hell is going on here?

Everybody: Mango . . . Mango . . .

Director: Mango, you’re incredible! We’ve got to get you in a recording studio! You’re going to be bigger than Jennifer Lopez!

Jennifer Lopez: Hey!

Mango: Sorry. I guess a star is born!

Jennifer Lopez: What about my video?

[SUPER: The next day. We’re outside the Street Sounds Recording Studio. Mango is in a recording booth with two backup singers dressed exactly like him.]

Mango: [rapping]
Mango’s he and he’s here to say:
Get out of here, I’m going downtown!
Go to a store, so let’s rock it now!
Hey, get out of here!

Mango Backup Singers: [singing]
Every breath you take . . .
Every move you make . . .

Mango: Hey, rock it now!

Mango Backup Singers: Every vibe you break,
Every clam you steak,
I’ll be watching you!

Mango: Don’t make a mess!

Mango Backup Singer #1: That was amazing . . .

Mango: Please don’t, don’t talk to the talent. Okay, please? Don’t do that. [He drinks chamomile.] Oh God! This tastes like crapomile, this chamomile!

Director: Mango, Mango, you just made some history. This is a hit record, I can feel it, okay? We’re going to get you on everything: TRL, Storytellers, Diva Live.

Mango: Diva Live?

Director: Yes!

[Jennifer Lopez enters.]

Director: Oh, hey, Jennifer, hey. Listen, I’m sorry. We’re going to have to cancel your recording session. Mango went a little long.

Jennifer Lopez: What?

Mango: Sorry sweet cheeks, but divas can’t be rushed.

Jennifer Lopez: You are no diva.

Mango: Oh, yeah? Well, we’ll see who the real diva is when all the divas get together and perform for other divas on a program called “Divas Live!”

Jennifer Lopez: Yeah? I’m gonna kick your diva ass!

Mango: Oh, bring it on, J-Ho!

Jennifer Lopez: WHAT? [Tries to fight Mango, but the director prevents them.]

[Music plays, as we see shots of the city and limousines. SUPER: Night of Divas 2001. Mango is in a limo, dressed totally in pink with a cowboy hat, pants, and a big furry feather boa wrapped around him, with two women drinking wine. Madonna is singing the backup-vocals.]

Madonna’s voice: Mango
Makes the people
Come together
Mango
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel
Hey Mr. DJ
Put a record on
I wanna dance with my baby
Mango
Makes the people
Come together
Mango
Makes the bourgeois scene
And the rebel. . .

[Mango throws up as the scene ends.]

[Jennifer Lopez is in a dressing room, as Mango enters it.]

Mango: Yes, I know. [sees J-Lo] Oh, what a surprise!

Jennifer Lopez: Hello, Mango.

Mango: [mimicking her] Hello, J-Lo. Well, I guess they put us in the same dressing room.

Jennifer Lopez: Really? Is that what you’re wearing tonight? [They take off their fur coats, showing Jennifer Lopez with a denim-type open shirt and pants, mostly backless. Mango is wearing the same thing, but with shorts instead of pants.]

Mango: Yes. How embarrassing for you.

Jennifer Lopez: I see you’re still shopping in the women’s section.

Mango: Oh, what the frick? This is a man’s cut! Why does everybody think I’m the homo-gay? Oh, why, why, why, why? Maybe I know why. Why?

Jennifer Lopez: Look, you little bitch, you better watch it! You get in J-Lo’s way and you’re gonna pay!

[Dreamy music starts to play.]

Mango: Can you pay a rainbow to be less beautiful?

Jennifer Lopez: Oh, can you piss off a Puerto Rican and live to tell about it?

Mango: Can you talk to the hand for a second here?

Jennifer Lopez: Can you eat food through a tube after I cutchu?

Mango: Can you cut food with a tube after I eat you?

Together: No! Such is Mango/J-Lo!

Jennifer Lopez: Slut!

Mango: Whore!

Jennifer Lopez: Skank!

Mango: Tramp!

Jennifer Lopez: Fruit!

Mango: Oh! Why you . . .

[Mango and J-Lo start slapping and fighting each other, causing Mango to rip out some of Jennifer’s hair.]

Mango: Oh, I broke a nail! Psyche!

[Jennifer twists his ear, pinches his chest, and shoves him into a table, causing a mirror behind it to break and flowers and fruit to fly all over the floor.]

Jennifer Lopez: Sorry!

Mango: I’m okay. Don’t worry about it. Yeah, I’m okay.

[Mango puts her into a headlock and jumps back. The both of them fall onto a table and crush it.]

Mango: Oh, hey! Is that Pashmina?

Jennifer Lopez: No, it’s Cashmira.

Mango: Oh, it’s really nice.

Jennifer Lopez: Thank you.

Mango: This is a – this is –

[Jennifer hits Mango in the stomach and both of them grab each other with one hand and try to slap each other on the ass with the other.]

[Aretha Franklin is seen singing on Divas Live 2001.]

Aretha Franklin: “We’re going riding on a freeway of love
In a pink cadillac!

Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Well, our next diva is . . .

[Jennifer and Mango roll in on the floor, fighting, as Diana Ross, Celine Dion, and Shania Twain run in, shouting and trying to pull them apart.]

Aretha Franklin: Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Stop fighting! Us divas got to stick together!

[“You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman” by Aretha Franklin starts playing.]

Mango: Aretha’s right. I’m sorry, J-Lo.

Celine Dion and Diana Ross: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: No, Mango. I’m the one who’s sorry. You deserve all your success.

Aretha Franklin and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Mango: You know what? I think we’re going to become good friends. You know why?

Celine Dion, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin, and Shania Twain: Ah-oo!

Jennifer Lopez: Why?

Mango: I’ll tell you why. Just a second.
“Cause you make me feel . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “You make me feel . . .

Mango: “Cause you make me feel like a natural Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “J-Lo . . .

Mango: “Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “J-Lo . . .

Mango: “Mango . . .

Jennifer Lopez: “J-Lo . . .

Mango: MANGO!

Jennifer Lopez: J-LOOOO!

[Mango and J-Lo start fighting again and the four divas try to stop them as the scene fades out.]

Submitted by: LeadCrow90

SNL Transcripts

Wake Up Little Suzie

Suzie…..Mena Suvari
Carl…..Tracy Morgan
Suzie’s Father…..Will Ferrell
Carl’s Friend…..Jerry Minor

[Save The Last Dance video cover shown]

Announcer: From the makers of ‘Save The Last Dance’…

[b/w footage of a Suzie riding a horse, which fades to black]

Announcer: …comes the story of a girl whose life will never be the same…

[cut to Carl at Suzie’s bedside in a hospital. She appears to be unconscious.]

Carl: You must be Suzie. My name is Carl.

Announcer: It was an unlikely friendship…

[Carl makes a peek-a-boo face at Suzie, who is still unconscious]

Carl: Peek-a-boo! [giggles] You make me laugh, girl!

Announcer: …that blossomed into love.

[cut to Carl lying beside Suzie, as if in a bedroom scene]

Carl: I love you, Suzie. I always will.

Announcer: And a father who didn’t understand…

[cut to Carl in a confrontation with Suzie’s father in her hospital room]

Suzie’s Father: I forbid you to see my daughter.

Carl: I didn’t plan on it, it just happened. This is the 21st century, Mr. Webber! She loves me!!

Suzie’s Father: She doesn’t even know you. She’s in a coma.

Carl: Even if she wasn’t in a coma, you wouldn’t accept me!

Suzie’s Father: Well, we’ll never know. She’s in a coma.

Carl: I think I see what this is. White girl, black guy, I get it.

Suzie’s Father: No, you don’t. Again, she’s in a coma.

Carl: That doesn’t change the fact that I love her!

Suzie’s Father: It should! She’s never met you, ‘cause she’s in a coma!

Carl: You’re really hung up on this coma thing, pops.

[Video cover art is shown, which parodies the ‘Save The Last Dance’ cover]

Announcer: Wake Up Little Suzie. It was a forbidden love. Even his friends didn’t get it.

[cut to Carl in the hospital room with his friend]

Carl’s Friend: Man, you actin’ crazy with that white girl!

Carl: You don’t know her!

Carl’s Friend: You don’t know her either! She in a coma!

[cut to still of Carl and Suzie]

Announcer: The entire town was against them, and the only thing on their side was love.

[cut to hospital room, two officers are at the door]

Suzie’s Father: There he is, officers. Arrest him!

Carl: Wait, wait. She loves me! I’ll prove it to you all! [to Suzie] Suzie, I know that you can hear me. Show them! If you love me, when I let your hand go, just let it fall to the bed.

[Carl lifts Suzie’s hand, and lets it fall limply onto the bed. The officers walk over to Carl and attempt to handcuff him]

Carl: See? She loves me!

Suzie’s Father: Officers, wait! [he approaches Suzie’s father, the officers back away] Unhand my…son! [he gives Carl a quick hug]

Suzie: Daddy…daddy?

Suzie’s Father: My little girl! She’s okay!

Suzie: Edgar?

Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who’s Edgar, bitch?

Suzie’s Father: Edgar…is her horse.

Carl: Oh! [laughs]

Suzie: Dr. Carl?

Carl: You know my name. [leans in closer to her] It’s me, Dr Carl, it’s me, Dr Carl…

Suzie’s Father: It’s nice to have a doctor in the family

Carl: No, I’m an orderly. Dr Carl’s my deejay name.

[Video cover art is shown again]

Announcer: Wake Up Little Suzie. Coming Soon.

[fade]

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Julia Stiles’ Monologue

…..Julia Stiles
…..Tracy Morgan

Julia Stiles: It is great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. This is actually the 500th original episode of the show.

Tracy Morgan: [ walks onstage ] Hey-ey, Julia! Julia, I saw you in that movie!

Julia Stiles: Oh.. you mean, “Save The Last Dance”?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah! I thought you were wonderful in it.

Julia Stiles: Wow, Tracy, thanks!

Tracy Morgan: And the scene where you kissed that black dude? It was such a tender moment, man, I thought I was gonna cry.

Julia Stiles: That’s real nice.. that’s real nice..

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. So, after the show, I was thinking, if you hungry, we can go over to Twin Donuts, or we can just go over to your place.

Julia Stiles: Aren’t you married?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. That’s why I said your place. [ looks at audience ] Hey, what are you people staring at! I don’t know what century y’all livin’ in, but a black man gettin’ together wit’ a white lady – this ain’t no show!

Julia Stiles: Tracy, this is a show. That’s the audience. They’re supposed to be staring at you.

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] That’s funny! Now, like I was sayin’.. I saw you makin’ out wit’ that black dude, and I just said, “Man, I got to git wit’ you, girl!”

Julia Stiles: Tracy, I was acting. It was a movie.

Tracy Morgan: Whoa, wait a minute! nobody can act that good, Boo! You know what people say: “Once you go black, you don’t never go back!”

Julia Stiles: Come on, Tracy, you’re smarter than that.

Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not! [ singing ] “You got jungle fever! You got jungle fever!”

Julia Stiles: Tracy.. “Jungle Fever”? That’s a horrible stereotype.

Tracy Morgan: I don’t mind that – or the one about us having long dongs.

Julia Stiles: Okay. That’s enough.

Tracy Morgan: [ sullen ] I guess you’re right. I’m sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. And I hope you save the last dance for me! [ to the band ] Hit it, Lenny! [ starts dancing ]

Julia Stiles: Okay, what are you doing?

Tracy Morgan: I’m gettin’ my dance on! I bet that guy Derek King do it like that, right?

Julia Stiles: Stop. This is never gonna work. I am a 19-year-old college student, and you are a 35-year-old man with five kids.

Tracy Morgan: Aaaaannndd?

Julia Stiles: My parents are watching. [ whispers ] I’ll meet you at Twin Donuts after the show..

Tracy Morgan: [ laughs ] I got it! Hit it, Lenny!

[ they dance together ]

Julia Stiles: We have a great show tonight, Aerosmith is here. So stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Vote Sober 2000

…..the cast of “Saturday Night Live”

Tracy Morgan: Voting is your most precious right as a citizen, but it requires a thorough study of the issues, and most of all, a clear head.

Ana Gasteyer: That’s why we’re concerned about the recent increase in VWIs: Voting While Intoxicated.

Darrell Hammond: Studies have shown that even with a blood-alcohol level as low as 00.2%, your judgment as a voter can be seriously impaired. And when you vote drunk, you’re not the only one who suffers.

Will Ferrell: This is Tucker Cawkins, age 5. Two years ago, drunk voters in Missouri elected him Lt. Governor. His younger sister, Britney, was made State Auditor.

Rachel Dratch: And, in a recent Kentucky referendum, enough voters went to the polls completely hammered to make “Kung Fu Fighting” the official state anthem.

Jerry Minor: So when you cast your ballot this November: please think; but don’t drink.

Jimmy Fallon: Although, if you simply must vote drunk, check out the following book at your local library, or on-line at www.nbci.com.

Chris Parnell: It’s called the “Saturday Night Live 25th Anniversary of Mixed Drinks”. Inside you’ll find cocktail recipes from each of our cast members.. from Ana Gasteyer’s Long Island Iced Tea Pops, to Horatio Sanz’s Big Pail of Everclear.

Maya Rudolph: And by the way, all profits from this book go directly to “Vote Sober 2000”

Tina Fey: That’s a front group for General Electric.

[ cut to NBC’s “The More You Know” graphic ]

SNL Transcripts

…..Tina Fey
…..Tracey Morgan

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

It was reported this week that during a conversation with friends, Bill Clinton complimented President Bush, calling him, “Far shrewder than many think, and a formidable politician.” Clinton then added, “But remember, I’m a liar.”

Jimmy Fallon: Jimmy Fallon: This week, the Pentagon banned the army from using Chinese made berets. In a more failed slap of the Chinese, the Pentagon also banned any alternative form of checkers.

Tina Fey: New York’s Taxi and Limousine Commission is looking to increase the fare from JFK airport into Manhatten from $30 to $35. However, for tourists who don’t speak English, the fare will remain $600.

Jimmy Fallon: The British army has allowed four female soldiers to get breast enlargements paid for by tax payers. It’s all part of the new policy implemented by the new head of the British Armed Forces, General Benjamin Hill.

Tina Fey: While speaking to conservationists this week, Dick Cheney made it clear that he plans to deal with the rising gas prices by drilling in our Federal Wildlife Refuge in Alaska. Cheney tried to sway his opponents saying, “Trust me, there’s enough oil up there to last us the rest of my natural life.”

Jimmy Fallon: While on a break taping the final Jeopardy episode of the season, host Alex Trebeck shaved off his trademark mustache, his trademark mustache of twenty years. Trebeck decided to make the change after last week’s Final Jeopardy answer, “This gay-looking know-it-all hosts Jeopardy.”

Tina Fey: Trebeck, he’s always re-inventing himself.

Jimmy Fallon: He’s like the Madonna of game show hosts.

Tina Fey: Yes.

As of Thursday, San Francisco has become the first US city to pay for sex change operations for municipal workers. Which may mean a cross-country move for this man: (show picture of Rudy Giuliani in makeup, blond woman’s wig, and flowered dress)

He loves drag, he loves to be in drag.

Jimmy Fallon: Pope John Paul II appealed to Vice-President Dick Cheney to spare Timothy McVeigh’s life. Reportedly, the Pope asked Cheney, “Is President Bush going ahead with the execution?” to which Cheney replied, “Are you Catholic?”

Tina Fey: The Arab gulf state of Bahrain is preventing single women from entering the country by refusing to give them visas. But I can tell you right now, treating single women like crap, will only make them like Bahrain more.

Jimmy Fallon: Well, we’ve all been very excited this week to have James Bond himself, Pierce Brosnan hosting the show. But no-one, and I mean no-one was more excited than our own Tracey Morgan.

(Enter Tracey Morgan, wearing a tuxedo)

Tracy Morgan: Thank you Jim. When I found out earlier today that James Bond was hosting the show, I had to ask him one question: When are you going to bounce and let a Brother be 007? I mean this is the year 2000, you know?

Jimmy Fallon: 2001, actually.

Tracy Morgan: Whatever. Check this out: Bond…Lamont Bond.

Jimmy Fallon: Lamont Bond?

Tracy Morgan: Hey, I’m perfect for this role, man! As you can see, I’m styling like James Bond. I’ve also got a mussy-colored vest for car chases. And a red leather suit with Tweety Bird on the back-that’s for general elegance. I walk into some casino in Saint Monaco and step up to the Baccarat table and be like, “Put the tall on black.” (starts humming the tune to James Bond)

Jimmy Fallon: We get the idea. It’s the song, yeah we get the idea.

Tracy Morgan: I have to have my Bond girls, you know. L’il Kim, the beautiful Miss Beyonce Knowles, and my girl Star Jones, hahaha. You heard me baby! Lamont Bond is gonna be all up in your Lane Bryants! Hey! Dig it! Your Bond girl name’s gonna be “Back Door Galore!”

Jimmy Fallon: They can’t do that, they can’t do that.

Tracy Morgan: You know, I’ve got to have my spy gadgets. I already know a dude named Q, he live on my block, he gonna hook me up. Hey, check this out, Jim. (He takes out a pen) This looks like an ordinary pen right?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah?

Tracy Morgan: (Turns it upside-down) Turn it upside down, and the clothes come off, Jim! The clothes come off! (Starts humming a lewdy tune)

Jimmy Fallon: (Takes the pen away) Thanks a lot. That works.

Tracy Morgan: Now, there’s a couple of things that Lamont Bond is NOT gonna do. I’m not jumping out of no planes, hey, ’cause I’ve got a thing with heights. And I, I repeat, I do not swim! Okay? Hey, and you know what, I’m afraid of dogs! You tell them, no dogs, Jimmy! No dogs, dammit!

Jimmy Fallon: Alright, Lamont Bond everybody! Tracey Morgan!

(Tracey takes back the pen and starts humming a lewdy tune again.)

Tina Fey: Cannot swim. Does not swim.

At the twelfth Annual Glaad Media Awards for positive portrayal of gays and lesbians, Showtime’s Queerest Folk won for Best Drama and Will and Grace won for Best Comedy. So better luck next year to the zero other nominees.

Jimmy Fallon: Researchers have found that bottle-nosed dolphins can recognize their own reflections in mirrors placed in their tanks. The mirror study is part of the larger effort to identify and weed out vampire dolphins.

Scientists believe that the dolphins’ ability to use a mirror gives them a distinct advantage over Christina Aguilera. (Show picture of Christina Augilera in her most tacky costume possible)

Tina Fey: Kim Jon Nam, the son of North Korea’s dictator Kim Jon Il, was detained in Japan after he posed as a Dominican Republic citizen in order to sneak into the country. His brilliant plan to pass himself off as Dominican fell apart when customs officials looked at him.

Jimmy Fallon: A study by the World Wildlife Fund reveals that bottled water is not any safer or healthier than tap water, just more expensive. The announcement has triggered residents of Beverly Hills to go out and buy thousands of bottles of tap water.

Marshall Mather, the father of rapper Eminem said this week that he wants to reunite with his son after 25 years. Eminem’s dad said he’s desperate to rebuild their relationship, and has left a checking account number where he can be reached.

Tina Fey: Supermodel Cindy Crawford is furiously denying Shaquille O’Neil’s claim that he and Crawford have had sex. Although it is a bit suspicious that Crawford was recently torn in half.

Jimmy Fallon: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Thanks to Minhquan Nguyen for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts