Pierce Brosnan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you! Now, most of you probably know me from my most famous role as Dr. Angelo from the movie “The Lawnmower Man.” I can’t even walk down the street without somebody saying: “Hey Dr. Angelo! How’s your lawnmower, man?” Well, it’s so annoying. There is of course, one other role for which I am known. (Band plays 007 theme) Ah yes! Ah yes! Music to my ears!
(Enter Sean Connery)
Sean Connery: That music’s not for you, laddie. That music is for me. Bond, James Bond.
Pierce Brosnan: Hi, Sean. How are you.
Sean Connery: Didn’t expect to see me now, laddie?
Pierce Brosnan: Actually, I did. You’ve been following me for three years.
Sean Connery: Well I’m only trying to help. You’re on live TV now, Remington Steele. You’re not on one of you cushy movie sets. There’s no stunt doubles here, none of your pedicures or hummingbird tongue canopies or calf-skin toilet paper. This is danger and you’re neck-deep in it, nancy boy.
Pierce Brosnan: What are you talking about? Are you threatening me somehow?
Sean Connery: Don’t get your panties in a bunch, missy! I just wanted to talk man to man, but apparently we’re missing half the equation.
Pierce Brosnan: Sean, if you have a problem with how I play James Bond, you should just tell me, okay?
Sean Connery: Well, I’ll tell you a story, a parable, if you will. It’s about a man, roughly your height and build, who thought a lot of himself until his teeth were knocked out by a baseball bat held by me. The end. (laughs)
Pierce Brosnan: Ok, now I’ll tell you a story. A fable, if you will. It’s about a man roughly my height and build, who was being annoyed by and 80 year old Scotsman, so he shoved him down a flight of stairs. The end!
Sean Connery: Whoa! Well you’re alright, laddie. I didn’t know you had it in you. From now on we’re a team. Let me put it another way: (Singing) “Wherever we go, Whatever we do…”
Pierce Brosnan: No! No singing.
Sean Connery: Fair enough. How ’bout we just meet after the show and kick the crap out of Timothy Dalton?
Pierce Brosnan: Sounds good to me! We have a great show! Destiny’s Child is here! Sean Connery is here! So stick around!
Announcer: Flight 39 to Minneapolis, now boarding, all passengers.
Tamilla: I can’t believe my giants are goin’ to the Super Bowl!
Jackie: I know baby, but against who? The Baltimore Ravens, puh-leese. I know my boy Jason Seahorn gon’ tear it up!
Tamilla: I’m telling you, and he is so fine!
Jackie: Mmm-hmm.
Tamilla: Mmm-hmm!
Passenger #1: You guys done? Can I go now?
Jackie: Not yet. You know, I hear that storm, they shut it down tonight. (searches Passenger #1 with scanner) A’ight, go. (Passenger #1 exits) Ne’t!
(Passenger #2 steps through metal detector, it beeps)
Tamilla: Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?
Passenger #2: Oh, I’m sorry umm
Jackie: (interrupting) Ma’am, I suggest you empty your pockets of all personal belongin’s into the tray, and then turn back around and walk to where you done came from, and then try comin’ through again.
Passenger #2: Oh, I I’m sure it’s just my watch not a big deal
Tamilla: Ma’m, the decency of your personal things are of no concern to us.
Jackie: Mmm-hmm. So why don’t place your tacky Burger King giveaway jewelry into the aforementioned tray?
Passenger #2: Burger King? This is a Rolex.
Jackie: Ma’m, why don’t you just empty it out, put it in the tray, turn yourself back around, and step on through?
Tamilla: Find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it.
Passenger #2: You know, is this really necessary? My plane is boarding right now.
Tamilla: You know, the FAA requires you to get to the airport at least two hours in advance.
Passenger #2: I did. I’ve been in line for forty five minutes.
(Passenger #2 puts watch in the tray and walks through the detector again, it beeps)
Tamilla: Body search!
Jackie: Mmm-hmm!
(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #2 with scanners)
Jackie: A’ight, you done!
Passenger #2: There! Are you happy now?
Jackie: Oh, I’m always happy.
(Passenger #2 exits, Passenger #3 walks through metal detector, it beeps)
Passenger #3: Dammit!
Jackie: Sir, I suggest you watch your language, you in mama’s kitchen now! Okay, here’s my gang plan, why don’t you just turn it back around, and walk to where you done came from?
Passenger #3: Alright, here it it’s just a little bit of change, alright, I’m going to put it in the tray, (puts it in the tray) then I’m going to go back through. Okay?
Jackie: Mmm-hmm.
(goes back through the detector, it beeps)
Passenger #3: Of course! Now what?
Jackie: Sir, perhaps I am speaking too quickly! I’m gon’ need you to empty the con-tents of your pocket into the tray!
Passenger #3: Okay, I did, there is nothing left in my pockets.
Tamilla: Sir, because of your learning disability, let me make this simple find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it!!
Jackie: You are not getting on that plane until you scoot it up and step it on through!!
(Passenger #3 goes back through the detector, it beeps)
Tamilla: Body search!
(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #3 with scanners)
Passenger #3: Look the detector is going off on everyone! Obviously there is something wrong with your machine!
Both Guards: Ohh right!
Tamilla: You know, put your feet out and your arms out to the side.
(The guards stop scanning him)
Passenger #3: See? There’s nothing.
Tamilla: You know, we need to step a security in for a more thorough check. Lamont!
Lamont: Come with me, sir.
Passenger #3: Look, I am not going to be searched by this man!
Lamont: That’s right! You’re gon’ be searched by this man!
(Another security guard appears, Passenger #3 exits with him)
(Doug steps through the detector)
Jackie: Uhh..sir, where do you think you are goin’?
Doug: I’m Doug Drabeck from Maintenance. They sent me to fix a broken metal detector, so I’ll just take a look.
Jackie: Sir, I’m gon’ need to ‘splain a lil’ somethin’ to ya. You gon’ need to empty out your pockets, and do the dance, just like everybody else.
Doug: You don’t understand. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just here to fix the detector.
Tamilla: That’s right, you’re not going anywhere!
Doug: Okay, look. I have to fix the panel on the detector, and I’m not going anywhere because I’m an employee.
Jackie: Okay, you want trouble, cuz we give you trouble! Tyrell!
Tyrell: What? What is it? Why is everybody lookin’ so tense?
Tamilla: He’s threatening us.
Doug: I’m the repair technician!
Tyrell: He says he’s a repair technician, y’all. Lemme see that ID. (Doug hands him his card) This ain’t you! This a different man! The man in this picture wearin’ a red shirt!
Doug: Oh, come on! Come on!
(Lenny Kravitz steps through the detector with his band)
Jackie: Excuse me! Excuse me!
Lenny Kravitz: Our flight’s about to leave, we have a concert in three hours.
Tyrell: Ooh, don’t I know you?
Tamilla: Mmm, I know who that is, that’s Lenny Kravitz!
Tyrell: No, no, that’s not it. D’your sister Bernice live in the projects?
Lenny Kravitz: I don’t have a sister named Bernice in any projects.
Jackie: Listen up bell bottoms, cuz here’s the drill. What I’m gon’ have you do, is you gon’ take those cute lil’ pockets, you gon’ empty ’em out, then you gon’ turn yourselves back around!
Megan V/O: From Wakefield Middle School, it’s time for Wake Up Wakefield: fun facts and important announcements for the students of San Jose.
Megan: It’s 10:55, we are live from the audio/visual department here in room 312, what’s up? I’m your host Megan and this is my best friend and co-host, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hey.
Megan: Alright, first off, I wanna give a shoutout to Jazz Times Ten from the jazz club for playing our theme song. You guys are awesome!
Sheldon: Yeah, that’s my buddy Mike Dusette on tenor sax. [Mike waves.] You guys sound tight, you rock.
Megan: Yeah. Hey, speaking of rocking, you all should check out Mr. Thomas Eenie’s computer class. We’re doin’ Photoshop this week, and you can do some really awesome stuff.
Sheldon: Yeah, like putting Randy Goldman’s face on everything.
Megan: [Unzips shirt to reveal another shirt with Randy’s head with hearts around it on it] This is just an art project, but if a guy like Randy Goldman saw it, and wanted to make out with me, he totally could.
Alright, now it’s time for our first guest, you can currently see her in our spring production of the musical “Hair”.
Sheldon: People, you really need to see this. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius.
Megan: Hey Samantha what’s up? So, tell us and the audience about the play that you’re in.
Samantha: It’s all about the sixties, when no one could cut their hair because of Vietnam.
Sheldon: I’ve seen all the rehearsals, it’s really edgy. Edgy stuff.
Megan: Yeah. Oh, I forgot to mention, Sheldon is also the stage manager. Hey Shel, how do you have so much time, on top of all the AV work we do, the math league, and now this?
Sheldon: Things are weird at home.
Megan: Great. Alright, now, Samantha, this is a very controversial play. Can you tell us about that?
Samantha: Yeah. At one point, we pretend that we’re naked.
Megan: Naked, embarrassing. And awesome Randy Goldman what!?! So, okay, please explain the part that you’ll be playing.
Samantha: I play a hippie, asking for spare change, and I play a Vietcong soldier. Mr. Hasney actually had to move me to the back because he said that I’m stealing the show.
Megan: Cool. Well, hopefully we’ll be able to hear a song from that show before first period [Interrupted by Mr. Bangleon] Mr. Bangleon, we’re taping!
Mr. Bangleon: Oh-ho-ho, I didn’t realize. Sorry kids. So-ah, how’s the broadcast going?
Megan: It’s going really good.
Sheldon: As you know, this is Mr. Bangleon, seventh grade guidance counselor, out homie, and a man you can go to with your problems if you think your parents might be getting a divorce.
Mr. Bangleon: Kids, just remember, come by my office and get your new anti-smoking posters. They’re really cool this year, not like the ones that have the old lady with the hole in her neck. This one has the Olsen twins on it. It’s real, it’s real dope. Yeah, it’s real dope, you guys. Alright, I’m Mr. B, I’m fresh out.
[Exits by moonwalking.]
Megan: Later Mr. B
Sheldon: See ya, Mr. B.
Samantha: Bye.
Mr. Bangleon: Little moonwalk for ya, there.
Megan: Awesome
Samantha: Yeah, you’re really cool.
Megan: Wow. Well, I guess that brings us to school announcements. [band plays] Alright. Samantha’s gonna help us out today, it’s gonna be really awesome.
Samantha: Ok, girls, at 1:00, there will be a mandatory showing of the film “What’s Happening To My Body?” in the Cafetorium. Boys will have free play.
Sheldon: And if you wanna play Frisbee-football, sign up with Randy Goldman.
Megan: RANDY GOLDMAN! He’s awesome!
Sheldon: Okay. Um, one more announcement, um, there’s a really big problem of people pushing other people into their lockers when their not looking, um, especially when they really need to get to their bus so they can get over to their accelerated math classes at the high school.
Samantha: Yeah, you guys, that’s really not cool. Leave Sheldon alone, he’s tiny.
Megan: Yeah. Okay, now’s our portion of the show where we just kick back and have mad fun and our guest gets to pick what we do.
Samantha: I wanna play “Who Would You Rather Kiss?”
Megan & Sheldon: NO!
Megan: Okay.
Samantha: Who would you rather kiss Sheldon, or Randy Goldman?
Megan: That’s a no-brainer, my future husband, Randy.
Sheldon: I just saw him in the hall. He said he’s coming by to return the video camera he checked out.
Megan: [panicking] No way when did he say that did he ask about me when’s he coming here, that’s cool, I don’t care.
[Randy enters, Megan stands up.]
Randy Goldman: Hey Sheldon, what’s up? Brought that camera back.
Sheldon: Cool, dude.
Megan: [trying to look cool] Oh, hey Randy. I didn’t even see you there because I wasn’t looking or anything I mean, I don’t even care. You’re awesome!
Randy Goldman: What’s up, Sharon Sharon?
[Randy exits, Megan squeaks, sits down.]
Samantha: Oh my god, did you see that? He was totally checking you out!
Megan: [overwhelmed] Really! Do you think so? He almost got my name right this time I can feel my heart pounding oh my god this is awesome I feel lightheaded!
[Sheldon picks up his lunchbag, takes out the sandwich inside, and hands the bag to Megan, who starts breathing in it.]
Megan: Thanks, Sheldon, I coulda died. Well, that’s all the time we have for today. Thanks for tuning in, you guys, thanks to Samantha.
Samantha: Yeah, go see Hair, four nights only. There’s still lots of tickets.
Sheldon: Signing off, I am Sheldon.
Megan: And I am the future Mrs. Randy Goldman. Hey Samantha, why don’t you take us out with a selection from Hair.
Samantha: I’d love to. [Band starts playing, Samantha sings] This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the age of Aquariuh-hus [Megan and Sheldon get up and start to sway/dance] Aquarius!
From the makers of Gatorade comes the Gatorade Love Bucket.
[ show Bride and Groom having their pictures taken after wedding ]
Nothing says “I Love You” like a bucket of Gatorade.
[ Groom grabs a Gatorade Love Bucket and douses his Bride – she laughs ]
The Gatorade Love Bucket is one of the most cherished ways to say “I Love You.”
[ show Eldery Woman with walker approach huge birthday cake lined with candles. Her two Grandsons each pour a Gatorade Love Bucket over her head, smudging the cake. They high-five one another ]
The Gatorade Love Bucket. Go ahead, dunk one on somebody you love!
[ show Parents applauding Son’s play, as Teacher runs onstage and dumps a Gatorade Love Bucket over the kid’s head ]
Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it…Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I’m here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.
Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!
Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.
Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.
[they make out]
[Frank enters with an Easy Bake Oven]
Frank: Hey Sully! I found a Easy Bake Oven in a box of your old toys. You mind if I bake a tiny cake with it?
Sully: Knock yourself out, Frank
Frank: Awesome! [walks to table in the back of the room]
Denise: Alright, here’s why we are prime canidates to be on the next Survivor: I have the military knowledge of Rudy, a nicer rack than Colleen.
Sully: And I’m craftier than Richard Hatch.
Denise: You’re queerer
Sully: You are!
[they make out…]
[Bernadette Enters]
Bernadette: Ugh! Call animal control! There are two dogs humping in my room!
Sully: This part of the basement is public domain. Your room is in there with the water heater. [points to door]
Bernadette: Yeah, shut up butt-lick!
Sully: You shut up, ass face. [pushes Bernadette, she pushes back, and they run around the room pusing each other]
Denise: That’s Sully’s sista Bernadette. She’s back home livin in the basement cuz she failed out of cookin school.
Bernadette: I wanted to be a cake maker.
Sully: Yeah, and yet your dreams were crushed by your poor attendence and your inability to spell “Congratulations”.
Bernadette: [pushes Sully] Moron!
Sully: You are!
[Sully and Denise make out]
Bernadette: Hey, hey! Seriously guys, knock it off. I got somebody comin ova.
[Bernadette runs to her room]
Sully: [turning back to camera] You know, if I could live with this half-a-whore for 17 years, surely I could survive the harsh rigors of the Australian wilderness. The only thing I’d miss would be this Louisville Slugga [picks up baseball bat and shows camera] personally signed by Nomar Garciopara. NOMAR!! YEAH!!
Denise: I should be picked to be on Surviver cuz I’m very good at group dynamics. I grew up with NINE brothers and sisters. Donnie, Dorreen, Dotty, Davy Junior, Debbie, Dougie, Dennis, Donna and Jamal.
Sully: Guess which one’s got a different Dad!
Denise: You’re Retahded!
Sully: Prove it! [goes in to kiss her]
Denise: [pushes him away] Alright, in conclusion CBS, pick me! I’m wicked psyched to go down under!
Sully: Not often enough, trust me.
[Denise pushes Sully]
[Bernadette enters wearing short shorts and a leapord-print tube top]
Bernadette: I swear to God Sully, if you don’t get out of here I’ll put my foot so far up your ass you’ll be breathing like you smell like Reebocks!
Sully: Yeah, good comeback
[Frank gets up with his easy-bake oven]
Frank: I need a 15-watt lightbulb and some semi-sweet chocolate chips.
Sully: [annoyed] Upstairs.
Frank: AWESOME!! [goes upstairs]
Denise: Hey Bernedette, that tube top’s wicked nice.
Bernadette: Oh thanks. It’s a kinda tight…it’s supposed to be a headband.
[Tommy zooms in on her boobs, Sully puts hand over camera]
Sully: HEY! Watch it Tommy! Yeah, you are really whored-out. Even for you.
Bernadette: Well yeah cuz this guy’s comin ova. He’s wicked hot. We’re gonna watch Howard Stern and make out.
[someone knocks on the door]
Bernadette: Ooh! [runs upstairs to answer the door]
Sully: God! He’s not even gonna take you out to Papa Gino’s first? Pitiful! This guy must be a top-notch loser.
Denise: Yeah, seriously Bernadette, you gotta learn to respect yourself.
[Sully wiggles his fingers where Denises boobs are]
[Nomar Garciaparra enters]
Nomar: Hey Bernadette you look great!
Bernadette: Hi
Nomar: [waves to Sully and Denise] Hi, kids.
Sully & Denise: NNOOMMAAARR!!! [they make out]
[Sully and Denise jump off the couch]
Sully: NOMAR!! NOMAR!! AHH!!!! [freaks out]
Bernadette: What are you freaks doing?
Denise: Are you retahded? It’s Nomar Garciaparra!!
Sully: I can’t breathe!
Denise: Sully, don’t look directly at him! [Sully turns away] He’s got a heart murmur.
Sully: [turns back] Bernadette, for once, your slutty ways have brought honor to the Sullivan house.
Denise: Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd! Will you autograph my boob? [pulls down shirt]
Nomar: OK. What’s your name? [gets pen from jacket]
Denise: Just make it out to Zazoo
Nomar: Alright
Denise: No, wait! [reaches down on the table and grabs a sharpie] Use a Sharpie!
[while Normar signs her boob Denise mouths “Oh my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!”]
Sully: I will never pour beer on that boob again!
Nomar: Calm down, calm down! Listen, I’m not a superhero. I’m a person, just like you are. And you two can be as successful as I am, as long as you stay in school and follow your dreams.
Sully & Denise: [in awe] Seriously?
Nomar: Yeah, now get out of here, so I can make out with your sister.
Sully: Absolutely. It’s an honor to have you anywhere near my gene pool.
Bernadette: [To Sully and Denise] Hey, beat it! [to Normar] So, uh, you wanna drink? Beer, peach schnaps, tequiza?
Denise: Bernadette! Bernadette! You should totally try to get pregnant. You’d get a wicked cute baby, and a fat check every month!
Bernadette: All retards remove yourself!
Sully: But Nomar! I’ll have nothing to remember you by.
Nomar: I’ll give your sister a couple souvenier balls.
Sully: Tommy, PLEASE tell me you got that on tape?!?
[Tommy nods yes]
[Denise & Sully make out and Bernadette and Nomar make out]
Stewardess: Anything I can get you guys before take-off?
Co-Pilot #1: No, I think we’re good. Just waiting for Captain..[ checks log ] ..Kazansky.
Co-Pilot #2: Wait.. not Tom Kazansky?
Co-Pilot #1: Yes. That’s what it says.
Co-Pilot #2: The ex-Navy fighter pilot who always brags about going to the Top Gun school, like, 15 years ago.
Co-Pilot #1: Yes. Is there a problem?
Iceman: [ enters cockpit, wearing cap with “Iceman” stitched in ] Yeah. There is a problem. You.. because you’re dangerous. [ pulls off his shades to revela another pair beneath ] You’re dangerous and foolish – and that makes you dangerous! Now, let’s cut the.. crap. [ removes second pair of shades ] We’ve got a plane to fly. Let’s try to be on time, okay?
Co-Pilot #1: [ stunned ] Okay..
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ SUPER: “Iceman: The Later Years” ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Iceman: Listen to me – you’re out of line! Your ego’s writingchecks your body can’t cash, and that makes you dangerous!
Stewardess: So, is that decaf, or regular coffee?
Iceman: Regular! And it’s “Iceman”!
Stewardess: I, uh.. I can see you wrote that on your hat there, Tom. [ walks away ]
Iceman: [ takes off his cap ] Hell of a bird! I got this baby up to a Mach 3 yesterday!
Co-Pilot #1: You were doing Mach 3 on a 727?
Iceman: I was shaving with a Mach 3! When you shave with a Mach 3, there’s no time to think! If you think, you’re dead!
Co-Pilot #2: What are you talking about?
Iceman: You guys are dangerous. [ looks out window ] Bogey!Repeat: Bogey! Come in, Butter 6, he’s got tone!
Co-Pilot #2: That’s the 9:35 out of Tampa. It’s taxiing!
Iceman: you guys are dangerous!
Co-Pilot #2: Tom, I’m gonna ask you to stop saying that.
[ Iceman gives a disturbed look ]
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Iceman: [ wearing helmet inscribed “Iceman”, yelling into theloudspeaker ] We’re forging, Negative Eye! It’s too close for missiles! We’re gonna shoot some guns!
Co-Pilot #1: [ translating into loudspeaker ] What Captain Kazansky means to say is that our in-flight movie today is “Duets”, starring Huey Lewis.
[ show footage of scenes around the airport ]
[ Music Over: “Danger Zone”, Kenny Loggins ]
[ cut back to cockpit ]
Co-Pilot #1: [ into loudspeaker ] On behalf of AVA Airlines, welcome to Flagstaff, and have a pleasant day.
Co-Pilot #2: Nice landing, Tom. See you guys tomorrow. [ startsto leave ]
Iceman: What a rush! Hey, why don’t we go to a hotel room, andshower, and dry off, and play some volleyball?
Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer Hugh Rodham…..Horatio Sanz Roger Clinton…..Chris Parnell
Bill Clinton: Good evening, America. These past few weeks have been a difficult time for me and my family, as a number of questions have surfaced concerning my conduct in the final days of my presidency. For most of you, the main question is: why did I pardon fugitive billionaire Marc Rich? Or, perhaps, some of you may be asking: Why did I pardon my own brother-in-law? Why did I pardon my own brother Roger?
Roger Clinton: [ waves ] Howdy, folks! [ puts his beer on the table ]
Bill Clinton: Hey, hey, hey! Use a coaster! That table’s from the White House. [ to the nation ] Maybe you’re asking: Why did I pardon convicted felons Carlos Benyali, Almon Glen Braswell, or why did Hillary’s brother Hugh Rodham except $400,000 from the aforementioned drug dealers and swindlers? Say hello, Hugh?
Hugh Rodham: Hey, ho!
Bill Clinton: Or, you might ask why Hillary’s own campaign manager had me spring a couple of tax cheats, who were caught skimming millions from Bonanza Steak House. Because they make good steak! America, you deserve an answer to all these troubling questions, and tonight I’d like to offer one simple explanation which covers them all: I do what I likes, and I likes what I do! [ they all laugh ] Oh, come on, folks, we’re the Clintons! What do you expect? Look at us!
Hillary Clinton: They should expect more! I am very disheartened and disappointed in you and my brothers.
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: I fall for that each and every time! You folks, you know what we’re talking about. We’re not some fancy high-class gourmet dinner – we’re a Big Mac Extra Value Meal!
Hugh Rodham: Supersized!
[ they all laugh ]
Bill Clinton: Everyone loves a Big Mac. But when you finish your Big Mac, you feel kind of queasy in the stomach, and you say to yourself, “I’m never eating a Big Mac again!” But you can’t help it – it’s tasty! You keep coming back! All I’m saying is, y’all are never gonna get tired of us. We’re like “The Sopranos” in a pick-up truck. We’re an outlaw gang. We’re freakin’ Bonnie & Clyde and the James Gang and “Hee-Haw” all rolled into one!
[ “Deliverance” banjo music plays, as Hugh and Roger hold up their shotguns, and a flash photo is taken of them from offscreen ]
We’re the Clinton Gang! We rob banks!
Hillary Clinton: Admit it! You can’t wait to find out what we’re gonna pull next!
Bill Clinton: Any one of us could be seen on FOX TV, running through backyards, followed by a shaky cam, until we’re caught hiding under a doghouse!
Roger Clinton: Hell, I already been on “COPS”!
Bill Clinton: He’s been on “COPS”! We’ve got scandals and crimes out there y’all don’t even know about yet!
Roger Clinton: Oh, come on, give ’em a little hint, Bro!
Bill Clinton: No.. [ everyone eggs him on ] Oh, alright.. The next thing you’re gonna hear about is a Clinton All-Star Scandal. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“
[Opens with logo of Veronica & Co. on the wall. Technomusic plays. Veronica is standing on the catwalk wearsa fashionable black dress, the stage behind her hasher guests sitting in their chairs, the audiencesurrounds the catwalk]
Veronica Kilvere:[foreign accent] Hi, you guys! I’mVeronica Kilvere, European supermodel and this is myshow, “Veronica and Company” It’s a show….[Audienceapplauds]Thank you so much. Thank you. It’s a showabout people and issues and people talking about theseissues. So let’s get started. Today my guests are Dr.Marshall Reames from Women’s Health Clinic[dumbblonde, dumb smile]Jeannie Fukal, which is famous forher cookies[frumpy, nerdy looking woman]and a funnysilver robot man from Times Squares which is namedKevin Aquarius.[Man in all tight silver outfit, silverpainted face makes robot-like military salute]He’shysterical! OK, let’s crank this baby up and getstarted![Techno music plays, she struts down thecatwalk, poses, goes back and joins his guests, shesits]I love my show!! So, who wants to talk first onmy show “Veronica and Company”?
Jeannie Fukal: Uh, well I could talk about my modelingcareer but I don’t have one.[Giggles]So I’ll just talkabout my cookies.
Veronica Kilvere: OK.
Jeannie Fukal: OK, these are my dark-chocolate mudbars, OK?[Shows plate with cookies]And these won methe Duncan Hines Bake Off.[Shows crappy trophy in theshape of an oven mitt holding a batter utensil]Theywon me these trophy and $4,000.[Veronica and Jeanniegiggle intensely]
Veronica Kilvere: I feel so lucky because all I haveto do is put on a bikini, be the bomb and I’m makingsomething which is like hundreds of thousands ofdollars![Cracks herself up]Which is awesome!!
Jeannie Fukal: Well, you must need a very big coinpurse.[Giggles]
Veronica Kilvere: Definitely![More hard laughs]So, whoelse would like to ask question or say something on myshow?
[Dumb blonde all giddy]
Dr. Marshall Reames: I will.
Veronica Kilvere: OK![Giggles]
Dr. Marshall Reames: You’re so funny! You’re so g.d.hilarious! I love this woman![claps]
Veronica Kilvere: Dr. Reames, tell us about Women’sClinic which you founded.
Dr. Marshall Reames: You’re doing a bit, right? That’shilarious! That’s great![laughs]
Veronica Kilvere: No, seriously doctor. I want to knowabout you’re job.
Dr. Marshall Reames:[serious]I’m not a doctor. I’m anactor.[laughs]You’re so….[confused look onVeronica]Yeah, its the series, you know “GideonsCrossing”. I play a ladies doctor and then you know,in real life I play doctor with the ladies.
Veronica Kilvere: Oh, my God![laughs]I can’t believethis because I thought you were a real doctor becauseyou have exam table in your apartment![They bothlaugh]
Dr. Marshall Reames: I checked her out! She’s reallyhealthy![laughs hard]
Veronica Kilvere: Why do want to be fake doctor?[Dumbblonde is confused, can’t believe the question] Why doyou want to be fake doctor?
Dr. Marshall Reames: Seriously? Well, I’m an actor, solike if I play a gynecologist, so if I tell women thatI am like a gynecologist sometimes, like you, theybelieve me.
Veronica Kilvere: And believe me they do. Because hehas stirrups and everything![laughs hard]
Dr. Marshall Reames: What can I say? Acting is mygig![happy as can be]
Veronica Kilvere: Doctor, I like acting too. I did apart in a movie and the line goes like this, uh, “HeyCarlos, we will seat here all day until you admit thatyou swallowed a condom of cocaine”.
Jeannie Fukal: Oh, wow!
Dr. Marshall Reames: That’s amazing![claps]
Veronica Kilvere: Thank you.[little bow;laughs]And nowto top it off on my show “Veronica and Company” theamazing silver robot which is Kevin Aquarius fromTimes Squares[Kevin makes victory sign]Kevin show uswhy you deserve quarter in a cup.
[Dance music plays. Kevin does very good robotic dance moves]
Veronica Kilvere: I love this!
Jeannie Fukal: How does he do that?
Veronica Kilvere: I love it. It’s great. Sogreat.[music stops]Wooooo!!!
Veronica Kilvere: Here, Kevin Aquarius have a cookieplease?[gives Kevin cookie from Jeanie’s plate; Kevineats it]Oh, my gosh! Kevin, do you have anything elseto say on my show?
[Kevin is seriously choking, pulls out little cardfrom his sleeve, gives it to Veronica]
Veronica Kilvere: What? Oh, my gosh! I’ll take alook.[reads little card]”This food contains peanuts. Ihave severe nut allergy. Please call adoctor”[laughs]Well, luckily we have doctor in thehouse![laughs]
Dr. Marshall Reames: No, you don’t.[concerned laugh]
Veronica Kilvere: Oh, that’s right! I don’t. OK, wellthat’s the end of our show, you guys! Thank you somuch for joining here on “Veronica & Company” Join menext week when my guest will talk about subjects whichare politics, how to buy purse, and at least 15 otherthings on “Veronica and Company”. Let’s work it tillthe cows come home, you guys. Veronica.
[Techno music plays. Veronica struts down the catwalk,poses. Jeannie dances badly, dumb blonde just stareswith dumb grin on his face, Kevin is still choking,grabs his neck]
…..Jimmy Fallon …..Tina Fey Jesse Jackson…..Darrell Hammond Al Sharpton…..Jerry Minor
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”
Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much! I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. And, let’s begin with a recap of election news from the last twenty-four hours. Yesterday afternoon in a surprising decision, the Florida Supreme Court ruled in favor of Al Gore, calling for an immediate hand recount. This victory for Gore is regarded as the most shocking and ludicrous comeback since Bobby Ewing walked out of the shower on “Dallas”.
Jimmy Fallon: It’s like a WWF Smackdown plot. You know the guy’s all beat up – he’s down for the count, George Bush is talking about his transition team, and then all of a sudden you see Al Gore’s eyebrow go up – “Can you smell what The Rock is cooking?” Gore grabs a folding chair, whole new ball game.
Tina Fey: Then, around 4:30 p.m., Judge N. Sanders Sauls recuses himself of any further proceedings and George W. Bush recuses himself in his pants.
Jimmy Fallon: Then around 5:30, Republican Senator Orrin Hatch burst into flames.
Tina Fey: So now we’re up to today. At eight o’clock this morning, the hand recounts start up again, then the Circuit Court rejects Bush’s appeal, the Prime Minister of Israel resigns, no one notices, then this afternoon the U.S. Supreme Court got all up in it and stopped the recount. In light of these events, America is cancelled. Citizens are asked to choose between Canada and Mexico by 4 p.m. tomorrow.
On “Meet the Press” last Sunday, Dick Cheney warned that “We may be on the edge of a recession.” Governor Bush has since asked his running mate, “If it’s warm enough, can we have recession outside?”
Former President George Bush Sr. had his left hip replaced this week. The surgery was needed to relieve all the pain from the weeks of kicking his son Jeb in the ass.
During an interview this week on “60 Minutes”, Al Gore denied that he was angry about the election, saying, “Anger? What would be the point of feeling that way?” Adding, “Seriously. Tell me. I am fascinated by your human emotions.”
Tina Fey: And now, here with a new segment called “I Have An Opinion”, is our own, Jimmy Fallon.
[ trumpet fanfare ]
Jimmy Fallon: I have an opinion! I keep hearing people say, “Aren’t you sick of the whole election thing? Don’t you want it to end?” No. No, I don’t want it to end. This is the coolest thing ever! With the court cases, the protest, all the twists and turns, “Stop the count!” “We already stopped the count.” “Yeah? Well, stop it again!” The tension, the excitement, the emotions, people – it kicks ass! Disenfrancised voters! Oh, yeah, I said it! And I know what it means, too! Yeah, I’m watching CNN now, because I want to! Because I have opinions! Decision 2000, that’s what they call it. Not “The Election”. You know why? Because it’s a TV show. It’s “Survivor”. It’s “Millionaire”. It’s “The Real World” – the Boston one. You hear that, America? For the first time ever, politics are exciting! And I want more! I am not an animal – I’m a human being. And I have an opinion! I also think “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” is a really cool movie. I Have An Opinion!
Benjamin Harrison Holcomb, the world’s oldest man, died this week at the age of 111. Doctors say the official cause of death was “cracking in half”.
University of Minnesota researchers said this week that the drug Naltrexone could be used to curb a kleptomaniac’s impulse to steal. Although the drug is not covered by most HMOs, doctors saykleptomaniacs should have no problem obtaining it.
Dr. Frank J. Orland, the man who discovered the relationship between bacteria and tooth decay, passed away last week, at the age of 83. His memorial service was attended by 4 out of 5 dentists.
President Clinton Thursday granted a reprieve to federal inmate Juan Raul Garza, thereby postponing Garza’s execution until next year, when it will be given to George W. Bush as a housewarming gift.
New Scientist Magazine reported this week that in the future, cars could be powered by hazel nuts. Thats encouraging, considering an 8-ounce jar of hazel nuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and fabrache eggs.
Tina Fey: Among all the other problems with this year’s election, there have also been allegations of discrimination and intimidation of black voters. Here to comment, are Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Jesse Jackson: Tonight.. we pause and give thanks.. and praise to God.. for being good enough to allow us to petition the United States Supreme Court.. to count the vote, and not the clock.
Al Sharpton: Tell them, Jesse!
Jesse Jackson: I take this position: the thesis, antithesis, creatosynthesis, the critical mass of mutual survival.
Al Sharpton: We have an egregious situation! These allegations of a voter intimidation have forced us to start litigation, ’cause George Bush is trying to win this election over prestidigitation.
Jesse Jackson: That was good.
Al Sharpton: Thank you.
Jesse Jackson: But I will keep focus on our message.
Al Sharpton: This election was ambushed, bushwhacked, and a Gore in the hand is worth more than a Bush in the Oval Office. Push Bush into the bush!
Jesse Jackson: I will keep focus on my message. As a face of America – red, yellow, black and white..
Al Sharpton: Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike! If I love the girl, who cares who you like? Cool it now!
Jesse Jackson: But I digress.. Dick Cheney – big ol’ butt; one Denny’s Grand Slam away from dead. Let’s make sense. Now, Mr. Bush has appealed to the highest court in the land. Next Tuesday night, we will march on the steps of the courthouse, and when Katherine Harris come out.. look like Dracula..
Al Sharpton: We will go upside Dracula’s head!
Jesse Jackson: Tuesday, and we will continue into Wednesday, if that is what it takes.
Al Sharpton: We will march into Thursday, if necessary. Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday! Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday!
Jesse Jackson: We may have lost this battle, but the war is not over! Wherever you are tonight, you can make it!
Al Sharpton: [ singing ] “The NBA.. is in the house..”
Jesse Jackson: Hold your head high, stick your chest out. You can make it! It gets dark sometimes, but the morning comes! We must never surrender! America will get better and better and better! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive! Keep hope alive!
Tina Fey: The Reverand Jackson and Al Sharpton, everybody.
Jimmy Fallon: With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Brenda: Wow! Mr. Burt Bacharach! [ laughing nervously ] Can I just say, from all of us at A&M Records, it is a pleasure to meet you!
Burt Bacharach: [ smiling constantly ] Brenda, you flatter me! But when it comes right down to it, we’re all here for one thing – to make beautiful Burt Bacharach music. Because I am Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: [ laughing ] Yes, you are!
Burt Bacharach: I am Burt Bacharach! Not Burt Lancaster – Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: You are! I’m Brenda!
Burt Bacharach: No, I’m Burt Bacharach!
Brenda: Oh, okay!
[ The Tyson Brothers, Tom and Wesley, enter the recording studio ]
Burt Bacharach: And here are the best two session players in the biz! Brenda, let me introduce you to the Tyson Brothers – Tom and Wesley.
Brenda: So, you guys are the horn players, correct?
Wesley Tyson: I play trumpet.
Tom Tyson: I play trumpet and saxophone.
Burt Bacharach: Fantastic! Okay, you guys, you know what we’re doing. [ dispenses the sheet music ] A little Burt Bacharach number called “I Say A Little Prayer”. Yeah. That’s the one that got me the big, fat.. [ digresses ] Well.. are you guys ready?
Wesley Tyson: Burt, do you want any improvisationals?
Burt Bacharach: Uh.. no. Take a look at the charts. I think just a nice.. uh.. a nice straight-ahead thing.
Wesley Tyson: No improvisationals.
Burt Bacharach: No. I think just a nice, straight-ahead Burt Bacharach. Okay, are we ready? Alright. [ he and Brenda enter the booth ] Are you ready, fellas?
Wesley Tyson: Uh, yeah.
Tom Tyson: Ready.
[ muzak version of “I Say A Little Prayer” begins, as Tom and Wesley wet their lips and brace their horns ]
[ Wesley glances at Tom, who licks his lips and plays the first stanza on his trumpet ]
[ between stanzas, the brothers wet their lips again ]
[ both brothers play their trumpets for the second stanza, as Burt snaps his fingers inside the booth. At stanza’s end, both brothers nod congratulatory to one another, then prepare for the finale. ]
[ Tom straps a saxophone around his neck, then attempts to slip an improvisation past Wesley, who immediately notices, and scowls silently ]
Burt Bacharach: [ as the song ends ] Oh, that was perfect! San Diego, here I come!
Wesley Tyson: Burt, I thought you said you didn’t want any improvisationals?
Tom Tyson: [ defensive ] I just played what was on the chart, Wesley.
Wesley Tyson: You played an improvisational!
Tom Tyson: I played what was on the chart!
Wesley Tyson: That was an improvisational!
Tom Tyson: I would never do that!
Wesley Tyson: That’s a LIE!
Tom Tyson: You shut up!
Wesley Tyson: Your whole LIFE’S a LIE!
Tom Tyson: [ shrieking ] SHUT UP!!
Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!
Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!
Wesley Tyson: YOU WERE ADOPTED!!
Tom Tyson: SHUT UP!!
Burt Bacharach: [ interrupting ] Silence! [ the brothers start weeping ] Boys! Boys! Fellas, please. You laid down a perfect Burt Bacharach track – that’s all that matters. Now, get out.
[ the Tyson Brothers pick up their instruments and casually exit the studio. Burt holds his hands over the music stands as he circles around them and picks up the sheet music. ]
Brenda: Wow. Powerful music.. powerful stuff.
Burt Bacharach: Yes, Brenda. That’s what you get with Tyson magic – a volatile beginning.. a volatile ending.
Brenda: Right.
Burt Bacharach: That was perfect, that was brilliant!
Brenda: They are brilliant.
Burt Bacharach: Debbie, they are brilliant!
Brenda: It’s Brenda.
Burt Bacharach: No, it’s Debbie! And I’m Burt Bacharach!
