Dr. Bethel… Aidy Bryant
Cardinal Hanson… Bobby Moynihan
Sharon… Cecily Strong
Doug… Casey Affleck
Colleen… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson interviewing three people]Dr. Bethel: I’m Dr. Bethel, professor of geology at Yale. And this is Cardinal Hansom from the council of miraculous phenomena.
Cardinal Hanson: As you can imagine, you are of great interest to both the secular and religious communities.
Dr. Bethel: Yeah. We believe you’ve had a genuine encounter with the real Santa Claus.
[Cut to the interviewees]Sharon: This is nuts, man! I mean, we’re just regular people who heard footsteps on Christmas eve and now we’re a Christmas miracle.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: Indeed. Tell us what happened after you awoke.
[Cut to Doug]Doug: Well, me and my girl woke up and came downstairs and Santa was standing there in our living room. Real as rain.
[Cut to Sharon]Sharon: And he said, “Come with me to the North Pole”, and just like that we were on his sleigh with the reindeer and everything.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: Huh, miraculous.
Dr. Bethel: And you, Ms. Rafferty?
[Cut to Colleen. She is smoking a cigarette.]Colleen: Yeah, a little different for me. I’m crashing in their guest room, right? I came downstairs a little later. They were gone. And I was met by a nine foot tall goad man named Crinkle Mouse who according to some German fairytale is Santa’s helper. And he points a hoof at me and he goes [making animal sound]. And I kind of got the hint that I should come with.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Dr. Bethel: And were you taken to Santa’s sleigh?
[Cut to Colleen]Colleen: Oh, no, no, no, no. Crinkle mouse turns out travels by dog sled. Which sounds fun but then he straps a harness on me, throws me in with the freaking dog team. And these dogs don’t fly, they run. Let me tell you, if you think you can’t run as fast as a dog, you’re right. A minute in, I fall, get dragged for a mile over a forest floor and my sweats get yanked off. So, now there’s nothing between the ground and my cooter and tooter. Look, wasn’t the worst time I have had on all fours.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Dr. Bethel: Fascinating. Now, what happened when you arrived at the North Pole?
[Cut to Sharon and Doug]Doug: Well, it sounds crazy but we were taken to Santa’s workshop, man. It was beautiful. And it smelled just like gingerbread. My beard still smells like it, ma’am.
Sharon: Yeah, yeah. Oh, and Mrs. Claus came out with mugs of hot cocoa. Warmed my tummy and my heart.
[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]Colleen: [shocked] What? [Cut to Colleen] These two were in a Disney movie. Meanwhile, Crinkle Mouse takes me to the reindeer stables. He hands me a shovel. He goes, “You work!” Also I had the pleasure of meeting the Mrs, that’s Mrs. Crinkle Mouse who looks more like a ram than a goat. She’s either jealous or a les, coz she starts ramming my knocker like– [Cut to Colleen and Sharon] Pardon me, Sharon. She’s going [starts rubbing her face on Sharon’s breasts]
Sharon: That’s enough. They get it, I think. They get it.
Colleen: Like that.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: And what happened next in the workshop?
[Cut to Sharon and Doug]Sharon: Well, you’re not going to believe me, but the elves came out. We all sang songs.
Doug: Yeah. There were a bunch of cubby guys in fun pointy hats with these cute toes and noses.
[Cut to Colleen]Colleen: Yo, stables have one elf. He looks exactly like Golem. Smelled like a hard-boiled egg and I swear to god, this little bastard’s name was Shart.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: Okay. Well, did he also sing and dance?
[Cut to Colleen]Colleen: No. No. He’s in charge of the reindeer, right? And he tells me it’s time to check them for worms. Cut to I’m holding onto a lady reindeer, I’m keeping her steady while Shart is poking around. And remember, these reindeer can fly, so when she bucks, I’m 20, 30 feet off the ground and still rocking zero pants here. So my hog taker and log maker are on full display. Let’s just say I understand why Crinkle Mouse and company aren’t showing up on any Coca-Cola Christmas cans.
[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]Doug: God, I don’t think you had as good a time as we did.
Colleen: Oh, yeah, Doug? Yeah?
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Dr. Bethel: And how were you returned home?
[Cut to Sharon and Doug]Sharon: Well, Santa sprinkled magic dust and the whole workshop dissolved around us.
Doug: Then we were back in our living room, Christmas morning. We went right out and loaded up the flat bed with Christmas ham for the poor, came home that night and made tender love for the first time in six years.
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: [smiling] Lord works in mysterious ways.
[Cut to Colleen]Colleen: Yeah, so does Shart. Coz when it was time for me to go, Crinkle Mouse hands him a magic stick and this son of a bitch steps up to the plate and cracks me in the back of the knee with it. And I dissolved into a closed Bank of America 15 miles from my house. And I tripped some sort of alarm so the cops show up and mind you, I am still pants-less. So now, I’m spending Christmas morning in the back of a squad car with my grassy knoll and my gassy hole hanging out. And I’m thinking, “Dammit! Colleen, you’re becoming your mother.”
[Cut to Dr. Bethel and Cardinal Hanson]Cardinal Hanson: Wow! Remarkable. Do you think you’ll ever see these spirits again?
[Cut to Sharon, Doug and Colleen]Sharon: No. But I feel St. Nick in my heart.
Doug: Yeah. I see him whenever I see a child smile.
[Cut to Colleen]Colleen: Yeah, I smell hard-boiled eggs, so Shart can’t be too far off. I think that little bastard followed me hom.
[Cut to the window. Shart is knocking the window looking at Colleen. Colleen sees him]Oh, boy! Great! What the hell am I going to feed that thing?