Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon
Lev Parnas… Beck Bennett
Igor Fruman… David Harbour
Kirstjen Nielsen
Alex Moffat
Bernie Williams… Kenan Thompson
[Starts with Giuliani & Associates intro]Narrator: Has your reputation been injured on the job? Were you the victim of a crime you committed? Are you facing serious legal trouble? Do you want to make it worse?
[Cut to Rudy Giuliani]Rudy Giuliani: And so called Giuliani & Associates. We want to make you our client and accomplice. Hi, I’m Rudy Giuliani. The only lawyer who’s on your side and off his meds. And you may have heard of my associates who were recently arrested for crimes against America. Their actual human names are Lev Parnas.
[Lev Parnas walks in]Lev Parnas: Hey.
Rudy Giuliani: And Igor Fruman.
[Igor Fruman walks in]Igor Fruman: Hey you guys.
Rudy Giuliani: And they’re not just handsome. They’re running to work for you.
Lev Parnas: Fraud.
Igor Fruman: Bribery.
Rudy Giuliani: Conspiracy.
Lev Parnas: Money laundering.
Igor Fruman: Resent.
Rudy Giuliani: We’ve done it all which means we know how to get you out of it.
Lev Parnas: We will take your case.
Igor Fruman: You will go to jail.
Rudy Giuliani: And we will keep your money.
Igor Fruman: Thanks to Googliani and Associates, there is the guarantee.
Rudy Giuliani: At Giuliani and Associates, we may not have passed the bar but we’ve definitely lowered it.
Lev Parnas: So, turn your browser to private. Then google our website.
Rudy Giuliani: Or dial 108-815-005. Oh, that’s my bank routing number. Forget that.
Igor Fruman: Giuliani and Associates are New York based but we operate out of Florida where laws are written at the back of McDonald’s receipts.
Lev Parnas: Also, our only American client is the president of the United States.
Rudy Giuliani: And he loves us, such why when they ask the president yesterday if I’m still his lawyer, he said, “I don’t know.” That’s pretty good considering–
Igor Fruman: Still not convinced? Just ask these satisfied customers.
[Cut to Kirstjen Nielsen]Kristjen Nielsen: Yes, I’m real American woman who needed top shelf, no question asked lawyer. I collaborate with Googoogaga, and he helped me fund the money from prostituting business straight to republican super perk. And now, I’m acting secretary of homeland security. Thanks Rudy.
[Cut to Alex Moffat]Alex Moffat: I’m American as well. I am a good man who do one or two bad things and need to disappear fast. Rudy get me new name, new passport and picture with president at monologue. I even grabbed a handful of eggs from buffet. Thanks crime.
[Cut to Bernie Williams]Bernie Williams: And hi. I am Yankee’s legend, Bernie Williams. I tell you who saved legally– wait, Rudy, what’s this for?
[Rudy Giuliani walks in]Rudy Giuliani: It’s for charity. Don’t worry.
Bernie Williams: Which charity?
Rudy Giuliani: I don’t know. Taco Tuse. Just look in the camera and say Rudy did nothing wrong. Besides, whatever happened to three strikes?
Bernie Williams: Yeah, I’m not saying that. I think I should talk to a lawyer.
Rudy Giuliani: Oh, I got a lawyer. Come here.
[Igor Fruman walks in]Igor Fruman: Oh! You got to stop saying that. I passed my bar-tending exam only on the third try. I thought the gin and tequila are the same.
Bernie Williams: Nope.
[Bernie Williams walks away] [Lev Parnas walks in]Lev Parnas: And we’re comfortable with transactions such as–
Igor Fruman: One way travel to a foreign country.
Rudy Giuliani: Mistress go-aways.
Lev Parnas: Brick through window of judge.
Igor Fruman: Shake a guy until he say, “Okay, okay, I talk!”
Rudy Giuliani: And TV/VCR repair.
Igor Fruman: But, that’s not all. We also help victims of peyronie’s disease. Does your downstairs finger look like this?
Rudy Giuliani: I slammed my thing in a car door. Twice. Now it looks like a silly straw. So, call Giuliani and Associates today
Igor Fruman: And if you don’t, I’ll kill you.
[Cut to Giuliani & Associates outro]