Hostess… Heidi Gardner
Elizabeth Warren… Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Alex Moffat
Melissa Villaseñor
Chloe Fineman
[Starts with a hostess speaking on the stage]
Hostess: Hello, Iowa. Thanks for coming out today. Now let’s give a big, warm, Iowa welcome to the lady of the hour and the next president of the United States, maybe, senator Elizabeth Warren.
[Cheers and applause]
[Elizabeth Warren walk in the stage and hugs the hostess.]
Elizabeth Warren: Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yeah. Hello. It is good to be here. Look at me, I am in my natural habitat. A public school on the weekend. And I just had the nature valley bar in the hallway so I’m jacked up and ready to pop off. First, I would like to pout one out to Beto O’Rourke for dropping out of the race. Thank you so much for running a great campaign and sticking around long enough to call me punitive. That was so bad ass. Let me now how death tastes, all right? And congratulations to Donald Trump for paying less taxes by moving to Florida, or as he calls it, bringing his talents to south beach. You know where I pay taxes? Every single state, out of principle. So Donald, don’t stand too close to an orange tree or someone might try to pick your head. I’m feeling stanky. Alright, we’re fighting. Who’s got a question? Who’s got a question?
[Cut to Cecily in the audeince]
Cecily: Hi, I work for Kamala Harris’ campaign. But I’m still undecided. I’d like to know, why did it take so long for you to release your plan to pay for medicare for all?
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Yep, yep, yep. Thank you. Thank you for bringing up health care, that is my desposito. You know, in the last few years. The number one reason families went bankrupt was because of health care costs, even the people who had insurance. It’s a tricky little corn maze. But when Bernie was talking medicare for all, everybody was like, “Oh, cool.” And then they turned to me and they were like, “Fix it, mom.” And I’ll do it, ‘cause that’s what moms do. With dad, you eat birthday cake for breakfast and then you go to six flags and then I hold your hand while you throw up in my purse. Daddy takes you to see “Boogie Nights” when you’re ten. I provide the long, tender follow up explanations about sex and whether Mark Wahlberg’s penis is a realistic length. It ain’t fun. But I will do it. And, next question. Thank you.
[Cut to Alex in the audience]
Alex: Hi, I’m an aspiring billionaire and current stay at home stepdad. You’re pulling ahead of Biden. How does your plan compare to his?
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Thank you. Thank you for your question. My plan compares favorably in that it exists. Nobody—Nobody asks Biden how to pay for stuff ‘cause his plans are so vague. Nobody asks how we’re going to pay for remember Obama. Biden—Biden doesn’t even know how to pay for stuff. He just puts down a $50 bill on the Amtrak dining car every few months. Okay, so here’s my plan. Take a look at this. Okay. So, first off, we’re going to cut military spending. So, immediately dead in the water. Two, Jeff Bezos will go from paying no tax to a tax. Mr. Bezos, the government is a little like Amazon Prime. To reap the benefits, you’ve got to pay an annual fee and that’s called taxes. And unlike you, we can’t just take it out on your debit care without warning. And third, okay? Banks, I’m going to tax the banks. Duh. What did you think I was going to do? Hold up a gas station? They’re going to pay for it and not one penny from the middle class. All we got to do is convince JP Morgan to operate like a nonprofit. Okay, next question. Next question.
[Cut to Cecily in the audience]
Cecily: Hi, sorry, I have a follow-up ’cause I’m annoying. You said your plan would cost $20.5 trillion but other economists have said it could cost $34 trillion.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Okay, let me stop you right there. Now we’re talking trillions. So, when the numbers are this big, they’re just pretend. They ain’t no Scrooge McDuck Vault somewhere. You ready to get red pealed? Money doesn’t exist. It’s just a promise from a computer. You might as well say it was cost 13-non-jillion-over-12-detan. Alright, next!
[Cut to Cecily in the audience]
Cecily: Sorry, senator, I’m going to see the math on that.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Yeah? Okay. You want to see the math? I’ll show you. Look at this here. [Elizabeth Warren clips her board. There are statistical calculations on the board.] Do you understand this? I do. I can explain it to you but you would die. Okay, next question. Yeah, you.
[Cut to Melissa in the audience]
Melissa: Hi, I’m terrified of the doctor. And my husband is one. But that’s a separate problem. My question is, how are we going to get swing voters on board with the radical idea like universal health care?
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Ooh, way to subtly ask if I’m electable. Careful, that’s my kink. Okay, see, look, you know why lobbyists are so against universal health care? They’re afraid you’re going to like it. ‘Cause it’s awesome. In “Footloose” they banned dancing. They didn’t ban broccoli. The bottom line is people are afraid of change. They only like their current insurance because they already know what it is, not ’cause it’s good. Something seems scary until you try ‘em out and find that they’re great. Like sushi, or butt stuff. Okay, next question.
[Cut to Chloe in the audience]
Chloe: Hi, senator. My current insurance isn’t perfect. But with your plan, I’d have to give it up, and that makes me nervous.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: You know what, I hear this from a lot of people. Let me help you understand. Your insurance is like a bad boyfriend. Girl, listen to me.
[Music starts playing]
You need to leave him. He’s draining you. You deserve better. Dump his ass.
[Cut to Chloe in the audience]
Chloe: [Crying] I know. You’re right. I’m settling. But I’m just scared to leave because what if it’s the best I can get?
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Girlfriend, how much is your deductible?
[Cut to Chloe in the audience]
Chloe: $8,000. I don’t even have dental. [Crying] My teeth hurt so bad.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: All right. Listen to me, you beautiful bitch! Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to call him. You’re going to end it. And I’m going to come right over with an apple strudel and we’re going to post up on the couch and watch my favorite show which is somehow “Ballers.” And then one day, blue cross blue shield’s going to text you from the club saying, “Baby I miss you.” And you’re going to say, “New phone, who dis?” Okay, girlfriend, you’re going to be just fine. Do you believe that?
[Cut to Chloe in the audience]
Chloe: Yes.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: So, do I have your vote?
[Cut to Chloe in the audience]
Chloe: I don’t know. Pete Buttigieg seems nice.
[Cut to Elizabeth Warren]
Elizabeth Warren: Oh, go to hell. And live from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”