Jake Rocheck… Mikey Day
Shannon… Cecily Strong[Starts with Michael Che in his set]
Michael Che: A recent survey found that a majority of men with a close female friend secretly hope their relationship will turn sexual. Here with more on that shocking statistic is Jake Rocheck who joins us live via satellite from the friend zone.[Cut to Jake Rocheck]
Jake Rocheck: Hi. Hi, Michael. Um, I’m currently here deep in the friend zone helping my friend Shannon move into her new apartment. So, I’ve been driving boxes across town all day and carrying awkward furniture upstairs for a pretty girl who is not attracted to me, whatsoever. In fact, just today, Shannon said to me and I quote, “I can’t even picture you having sex,” which I find confusing because I can picture her having sex very easily.[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]
Michael Che: Ouff! Yeah, well, tell us what’s the hardest part about being in the friend zone.
Jake Rocheck: Um, all of it, but [cut to Jake Rocheck] nights are specially difficult. Often times Shannon will have drama with one of the selfish bad boys she’s attracted to, ask me to come over and we’ll sleep in the same bed so she’s not lonely. She easily falls asleep where as I lay awake all night actively suppressing an erection and painfully holding in gas.[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]
Michael Che: Oh, man! Jake, how does a guy like you end up in the friend zone?[Cut to Jake Rocheck]
Jake Rocheck: Um, well, in my case, I found myself in the friend zone with Shannon because when we met I was nice and kind.
Michael Che: Oh! [laughing]
Jake Rocheck: Um, it absolutely killed my chance at a physical relationship. but I ended up with a friendship that honestly, Michael, I wouldn’t trade for anything.[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]
Michael Che: OH, so what if Shannon had change of heart and wanted to–
Jake Rocheck: [interrupting] To start having sex? I would immediately do that.
Michael Che: Well, have you considered telling Shannon how you feel about her?
Jake Rocheck: Um, to be honest, Michael, [Cut to Jake Rocheck] I haven’t given it much thought, besides the six-page email explaining why we belong together currently saved in my drafts folder. Sometimes when I’m drunk, I’ll read it, add a few lines and hover the cursor over the send button, but never clock send because unfortunately, Michael, I am a little baby bitch boy.[Shannon walks in]
Shannon: Jakey, don’t hate me, but can you build my IKEA stuff?
Michael Che: Oh, I’d love to. Um, Michael, this is Shannon.[Cut to split screen of Michael Che, Jake Rocheck and Shannon]
Shannon: Oh! Hey, sorry I interrupted.
Michael Che: [sarcastically] Ah, you’re so rude, Shannon. I can’t believe you did that.
Shannon: [flirting and laughing] Oh my god, shut up. Jake, your friend is a jerk. Um, [looking at the camera] we should hang out. Get my number from Jake.
Michael Che: Oh, oh my god, Shannon, stop telling me what to do!
Shannon: [laughing] Shut up. You are trouble.
Michael Che: Yeah, I know.[Jake Rocheck is nodding his head feeling awkward] [Cut to Jake Rocheck]
Jake Rocheck: [yelling] Wow, that was so much fun to be here for. I’m so pumped you guys flirted and made plans in front of me. Just, um, make sure you are always there for her.[Cut to split screen of Michael Che and Jake Rocheck]
Michael Che: Nah, Jake. That’s your job. From the friend zone, Jake Rocheck, everybody![Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.