Britney Spears Cold Open

Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Gina Carano… Cecily Strong

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now live from Las Vegas, it’s “Oops, you did it again”, with your host Britney Spears.

[cheers and applause] [cut to Britney in her set]

Britney: Hey, y’all. It’s Britney, bitch. You all know me from my upbeat Instagram video and the word “Conservatorship”. Basically, I started this show “Oops, you did it again”, so people could come on and apologize for things they’ve done wrong. Because after the ‘Free Britney’ documentary came out, I’m receiving hundreds of apologies a day. Speaking of which, I’d like to give a quick shoutout to out sponsor – The Notes App. Are you looking to post a lame apology Ted0 years late? Go through the motions with the Notes App.

Okay, guys, let’s welcome our first guest and while the music plays, I’m gonna dance.

[Britney starts dancing]

Please welcome Texas senator, Ted Cruz.

[Ted walks in in a holiday vibe with a cocktail in one hand and a luggage on the other hand.] [cheers and applause]

Ted: Ola, everyone. Hey, Britney.

Britney: Hey there, Ted. You look tan.

Ted: Oh, no. I’m not tan. I just cried myself red over my fellow Texans. And that’s why I drink in their honor.

Britney: So Ted, Texas is going through huge crisis disease right now.

Ted: Oh yeah. Yeah, it’s real bad.

Britney: And you literally abandoned it and flew to Cancun for a family vacation.

Ted: That’s right. And now, I’m in a little bit of hot water which I’m told is a thing no one in Texas has.

Britney: Well, would you like to apologize?

Ted: Absolutely. I deeply regret my actions over the last couple of days. Mostly, flying United. [giggling] I’m sorry. I’m pretty bad at human stuff.

Britney: So, you understand why people are calling you a coward?

Ted: Yeah. Coward is actually nicest word I heard. But let me ask you this. Would a coward have the cajones to blame his actions on his young daughters?

Britney: [surprised] You blamed your daughters?

Ted: Oh yeah, the whole trip was the girl’s idea. They love Cancun. There are so much for kids to do. The topless beach. Shots at senior frogs. Swimming with sick dolphins. They love it.

Britney: Okay. Well, as someone who was often blamed for other people’s problems at a young age, [acting crazy] maybe leave your daughters out of it because it could really mess up with their heads.

Okay. My next guest also has some explaining to do. You want to dance with me, Ted?

Ted: Well, I think my fellow Texans want to see me dance and be happy right now. Let’s do it.

[Britney and Ted start dancing]

Britney: Please welcome New York governor Andrew Cuomo.

[Andrew walks in. He is wearing a suit.] [cheers and applause]

Andrew: Hey. Hello. Alright. Let’s get this over with.

Britney: Governor, do you know why you’re here today?

Andrew: Is it because indoor dining is back in New York? [cheers and applause] That’s exciting, right?

Britney: Governot!

Andrew: Alright, I know. It’s coz of the nursing home stuff.

Britney: And what happened with the nursing homes?

Andrew: Some of the people who died in the nursing homes were not counted as nursing home deaths. They were counted as hospital deaths. Which is basically what happens at Disney World. Okay? People die and they move the bodies. They say, “Oh, I guess Brenda died in the parking lot, not on the tea cups.” So, you know, we just did the Disney thing. Alright. Well, are we done here?

Britney: Governor, I like you. You’re from NYC or as I call it, TRL. But don’t you think you ought to apologize?

Andrew: Yeah.

Britney: I’m sorry. What was that?

Andrew: I said I was sorry.

Britney: Okay, see? That wasn’t so hard. People just want answers. Bill de Blasio says you are to be investigated.

Andrew: That bird bitch son of a what? What did that bird bitch say about me? [yelling] I will bury him in the tallest grave this city has ever seen! I will hire a Hobo to Rick Moranis him so hard, he’ll think he’s back in Universal Pre-K.

Britney: Governor?

Andrew: I’m sorry, okay? I get a little angry now and then and always.

Ted: Hey, I get it. You know, me and you, we’re both kind of the same thing. We’re both strong misunderstood men.

Andrew: Do not associate yourself with me. We are not the same. I am a man, you are a clown.

Ted: I accept that. Thank you.

Andrew: And if you mess with me, I will send you to a clown hospital.

Ted: Honestly, that sounds fun.

Andrew: And when you die, I will not count your body.

Ted: No, sure. Thank you.

Britney: Alright. Now, it’s time to read a letter from a fan and see what the folks at home are curious about.

[reading a letter]

Dear Britney, are you okay?

Yes, okay. So, I get this question a lot and I am perfectly okay, everything is good. And I am not trying to send people subliminal messages through my videos.

[#FreeBritney appears for a second then cuts back to Britney]

Okay guys, my final guest was fired from the Mandalorian for something she posted on social media, please welcome actress Gina Carano.

[Gina walks in] [cheers and applause]

Hi Gina, are you here to apologize?

Gina: I’m here for the opposite of that. I’ve done nothing wrong. No one can even explain what I did wrong. Explain it.

Britney: Okay. On Instagram, you said “Conservatives have it as bad as people living in Nazi, Germany.”

Gina: Okay, congrats. You explained it. Look, I never would made that Nazi comparison if I’d known everybody was gonna be such a Nazi about it.

Britney: Do you feel like you’re a victim of cancel culture?

Gina: Yeah, absolutely. And I was canceled by Disney? Disney is the moral high ground? Have heard Brer Rabbit’s accent on the Splash Mountain rag recently?

Andrew: Well, if you die on it, they’re gonna move the body.

Ted: Ay look, I know how you feel, sweetie. I’m getting a lot of my old tweets used against me too. Yeah, we’re both in the same thing girl. Strong misunderstood women, okay?

Gina: No. Do not associate yourself with me. I am strong and you are a pile of soup. I am first class and you are coach.

Ted: Yeah, but I’m in the up grade list though.

Gina: And if you compare yourself to me, I will blast you to the farthest deserts of Tatooine.

Ted: Ay, anything to get out of Texas.

Britney: Okay. Well, that is all the time we have. But before I go, I just want to say a little prayer for a song. We need to remember that times are hard right now. People are struggling. We need to be understanding and forgiving of one another. I pray that all of you be sane and well and to be with people who make you feel loved. Isn’t that right, guys?

Andrew: [shaking head] I’m gonna cry.

Britney: So blessings to all.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.